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His room was lonely at night. The stucco walls only showing lines of light from the street lamps outside. He left his curtain open at night. He likes the stars and the calming way the trees look. Kirishima sits on the sill of the window. Looking up at the red clock, it’s human arms on the side stuck in a permanent flex, it read 2:48 in the morning. It had gotten harder for him to sleep at night.
He usually sat at the sill like he was now every night. The redhead was lucky if he got 3 hours of sleep. Curling his knees up to his chest Kirishima wraps his arms around them only to pull them closer to his chest. He knows he makes a pathetic sight.
Eyes rimmed red from the tears that won’t stop, his nose running and bottom lip quivering slightly. His hands were shaking like leaves in the wind. He lent against the window. The cool glass reliving some of the burning from his tears. He always tried to keep quiet when this happened. When the anxiety and panic got to be too much. It was happening more often.
Bakugou’s room was right next to his. He knew the explosive blond loves his sleep and Kirishima would not fuck anything else up for anyone else. He had already messed enough up. His eyes moved to the scenery outside his room.
He had screwed up majorly at training today. Aizawa had been pushing them to do better, which was an awesome thing. But he had skipped the water break to keep up with Bakugou. I hadn’t worked as he had planned it to. He just got slower and slower till he was running next to Kaminari. Sero and Mina had been joking with him and so had Denki. It made him mad. He was trying so hard to be strong but it wasn’t working.
The only thing he had remembered after that was waking up in a bed in Recovery Girl’s health office. He got told a recap of what had happened by Aizawa who was rightfully pissed at him. Apparently he had stopped running and stood on the track. Of course Aizawa, Sero, Mina and Kaminari had started to walk back over to him. But he collapsed before anyone could get close, effectively smashing his unhardened head against the concrete.
He didn’t go to dinner that night. Preferring to sit in his room. He wasn’t too hungry. Even if he was though did he really deserve it? He screwed up the entire class. Aizawa had told Recovery Girl that everyone else but him were going to finish the laps tonight. The two adults had been discussing this in whispering voices when they though Kirishima was asleep. He screwed up everyone's night because he wasn’t strong enough or manly enough to wait till later to drink. He was an idiot.
He hadn’t and still wasn’t able to sleep since he came up to his room. A small voice in his head was whispering to him. I has never been nice to him. Always throwing his failures in his face. Taunting him with brief breaks but it always came back. It was getting meaner. It no longer only told him he was weak. Now it said that this was useless.
Being a hero, trying to catch up to his classmates, being Bakugou’s friend and trying to fight with his own head was useless. The clock ticked on in the background of Kirishima’s inner turmoil. It is useless.
He is useless…..
He was aware of what depression and anxiety are. Aizawa had taught them the importance of the illnesses. How to help talk someone down from a panic attack and such. But how could he have depression. He’s supposed to be strong. “But strong people don’t lock themselves in their room to cry for eight hours straight and not sleep” he whispered to himself.
His voice was shaky and weak. His knees were starting to cramp but Kirishima only held them tighter. The voice still screamed in his head. Those words were disturbing. The images even more so. But they caused his shoulders relax for a second and a hitched breath to be let out. Not being here sounded nice. A break from the pain sounded nice.
No one would miss him surly. His mom’s might and maybe the bakusquad. But who else. No one he could think of. Hell Bakugou may even be happy. Kirishima wouldn’t be a bother to him or anyone else. He spared a glance over at the wall where his bed was.
On the other side Bakugou was sleeping. It brought a sniffling chuckle to Kirishima. Tonight was a bad night. He only ever used to get these thoughts once a month. But recently it’s been every day.
Kisishima would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t scared. The empty feeling in his chest scared him. The constant feeling of wanting to cry, scream, and just hide away scared him. Most of all though the feeling he got when he saw an edge sharp enough to cut skin or any other weapon or high up place terrified him.
It was longing, it was peace, it was like looking at a fix to his problems. He resisted all of it. It had gotten harder just like everything else. More often he was finding himself sitting with his friends wondering what they would do if he vanished. The outcomes of those thoughts were always the same.
Nothing.
They would all continue on as if he never existed. Bakugou would marry and have cute kids and so would everyone else. He’s nothing to miss. He’s nothing to care about. He should be happy but the thought still left a sour feeling in his mouth.
He would miss them. Their smiles, laughs, conversation, voices, and everything. Kirishima’s sure though that he wouldn’t be able to think or care in those situations. Living him though hates the thought. He hates the thought of not being able to see everyone's kids. How all their lives turned out. How well Bakugou was doing.
He let out a sigh. It was all complicated. His feelings were complicated. How they conflicted so much but the bad ones were the loudest. Slowly Kirishima uncurled himself from the tight ball he had made himself into. His joints cracking as he walked over to his bed.
It was now officially 5 a.m., class starts at 7. So he sits down and with a small smile listens to Bakugou get up and shuffle around his room while working out. Kirishima leaned against the wall with his ear pressed to it. This part of the morning made him happy. His small smile only grew when he heard three knocks against his wall.
“Wake up shitty hair it’s time for class!”