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Kyouka was tired of feeling so useless.
In all honesty it wasn’t all that hard to see. She wasn’t very powerful or strong. She was only about average in everything else. Average wasn’t enough if she wanted to be a hero. She couldn’t even do anything without a piece of support equipment.
Her involvment in everything that she had gone through to train to become a hero proved her uselessness even more. Momo had come up with a plan to help them with the villains in the USJ, and Kaminari was the needed fire power to take them out. She was just a person that was at the wrong place at the wrong time. She couldn’t even save Kaminari! In the Sports Festival all she did was show how useless she was without equipment. During her final exams, sure she came up with the plan, but without Kouda she wouldn’t have passed. She felt completely useless at I-Island. Everyone had fought and given their all. All she did was depend on everyone else, and ended up getting captured. At the training camp she almost died due to the poisonous gas. She was unconscious the entire time. She hadn’t even known what had happened until everything was over. During the provisional liscense exam, she only passed because she happened to stay in a group with her much more powerful classmates. She got reckless and ended up getting injured. Now she was a vital part of Momo’s plan. But that was all Momo. Besides she probably would’ve still come up with a winning plan without her.
Completely and utterly useless.
But Kyouka was willing to get better. She knew from the start that it wasn’t going to be easy to become a hero. Everyone had a staring point. Mirio started at the bottom and made his way up to the top. With enough training and studying she could too.
But will training and studying really help you? You seem like a lost cause.
Kyouka shook her head to clear her thoughts. She was going to become a pro. Having such a negative attitude wasn’t going to help.
Kyouka was sitting with Momo in the common area at the dorms. They were both enjoying some tea and having a small conversation.
She didn’t know how she managed to be lucky enough to become Momo’s best friend and then become her girlfriend later on. She was smart, beautiful, and kind. The list goes on. Kyouka wasn’t sure what Momo saw in her, but that was fine. She sees something in her and that’s what matters.
She is only with you because she pities you.
”Kyouka? Are you okay?”
Momo’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “Hm? Oh, yeah. I’m alright Momo. I’m just a little nervous for exams. I’ll probably spend a few extra hours to study tonight. Maybe even the next few days,” she said trying to ignore the previous thought in her head.
Momo took a sip of her tea and nodded in understanding. “Of course. The exams do not look like they will be easy this year. If you want I can help you study,” she offered with a kind smile on her face.
A fond smile found its way onto Kyouka’s face. “Nah. I think I’ll be okay. Besides I wouldn’t want to take away from your free time. But I’ll make sure to tell you if I am having any trouble on anything.”
Momo let out a small laugh. “Kyouka anytime I spend with you is worth my time. I will have no problem spending time with you in my free time,” she said. But she seemed content with Kyouka’s answer and continued to drink her tea. The two kept their pleasant conversation going for a while before Kyouka left to go to her room to study.
Kyouka had been studying and training a lot for the past few days. It was to the point that she was only spending three hours upmost hanging out with Momo or some of her friends. She should start to feel ready for exams, or proud that she was working this hard. But she wasn’t.
You really think that you should be proud of yourself? No matter how hard you work, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a burden to everyone around you.
There was a small knock on her door. Kyouka looked up from the book she was reading to study. “Come in! The door is unlocked!”
The door creeked open and Momo walked into the room. She was holding a tray of food. “You missed dinner again. I decided to bring you some food.”
Kyouka’s eyes widened and she looked at the clock. It read as 7:00 pm. Yep. She definitely lost track of time again. She had been doing this all week and each time Momo brought her food. She had been eating, but definitely less than usual. But it wasn’t really anything to worry about.
Good job making yourself a burden to your girlfriend. She shouldn’t have to waste her time getting food for you.
Kyouka tried to ignore the voice. “Thanks Momo. You didn’t have to get me anything,” she said as she grabbed the tray of food.
“Hey, it’s no problem. It won’t do you much good if you’re so hungry that you can’t show how hard you’ve been working.”
It doesn’t matter how hard you worked if you made no progress. You know that she’s just saying those things to make you feel better.
“Shut up,” Kyouka muttered.
“What did you say Kyouka? You are talking too quietly.”
Kyouka stiffened slightly. She didn’t realize that she said that out loud. “I-it’s nothing. I was just talking to myself.”
Momo raised a brow but she didn’t press further. “Don’t forget. I’m only a few floors up if you need anything.”
She means if you want to be a burden to her.
“Will do,” Kyouka said hoping she sounded more positive than she felt.
Kyouka was laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. She had been trying to sleep for hours. But she couldn’t. The voices kept echoing in her head, tormenting her.
Do you really think you’ll become a Pro Hero with a quirk like yours?
Its probably for the better that you didn’t get far in the sport festival. You wouldn’t have gotten noticed anyway.
Do you really think that your parents are proud of you? They’re just too nice to say anything.
Why would Momo ever love someone as useless as you? You know that she only said yes because she’s too nice.
Kyouka grabbed the pillow behind her head and screamed into it so that she wouldn’t wake anyone up. “Just shut up already!” she yelled.
You know it’s true.
“It’s not true,” Kyouka whispered sounding like she didn’t believe what she was saying. A few tears fell from her eyes, but she wiped them away. Crying wasn’t going to help her.
She briefly considered talking to Momo about this, but quickly decided against it. Momo was probably sleeping right now. Kyouka didn’t want to burden her with her problems.
Giving up on trying to get any sleep, Kyouka got out of bed and went over to her desk. She turned the lamp on, took some notes out, and sat down. She is going to become good enough.
Kyouka felt completely exhausted and miserable.
She had gotten no sleep last night. The only reason she got to class on time was because her alarm went off when she would usually wake up. She got ready and went straight to class, not bothering to get any breakfast. She didn’t feel like eating.
Classes went by like a blur. Kyouka tried to retain all the information she could.
Kaminari went up to her before lunch. “Hey, Jirou, can I look at your notes from last class? Class was so boring that I fell asleep.”
Normally she would have teased him or rolled her eyes at him and say some sarcastic remark. She would eventually give him his notes after a whole lot of begging. Sometimes she would just flat out ignore him and give them to him later.
She didn’t do that today.
You think that Kaminari is actually friends with you. He only talks to you because you won’t leave him alone. He just doesn’t want to feel bad after he tells you the truth.
Instead Kyouka stared at him blankly for a moment. Why was he asking her? Why not someone who actually took decent notes? Despite this she took a picture of her notes, sent them to him, and walked away.
She didn’t see the shocked look on his face.
At lunch Kyouka got some food and then left the cafeteria with it. She knew some of her classmates saw her get the food. She still didn’t feel like eating and she didn’t want anyone to get suspicious. She took a couple bites to make it look like she ate something and then threw the rest of the food out on her way to a place to train. She made sure to put parts of the meal in separate trash cans so that it didn’t look like she was skipping entire meals.
Kyouka thought about asking someone to join her to help her out.
As if they want to waste their time trying to help you.
She spent the rest of lunch doing combat training by herself.
When classes were over Kyouka started to head straight to the training area. But someone stopped her.
“Kyouka! Wait for a moment please!”
Kyouka turned around and saw Momo walking up to her. A small smile formed on her face. Momo never failed to make her a little happy. “Yeah?”
“Do you want to go out today? There is a cafe near by and I thought we could eat there,” Momo said with her usual bright smile.
Kyouka wanted to go. It would be nice to spend some time with her girlfriend.
Go ahead if you want to waste your time. Momo doesn’t really want to hang out with you anyway. She just doesn’t want you to know that she pities you.
Kyouka’s smile faltered. “I was actually planning to do some training today,” she said a bit awkwardly. “Sorry. Maybe after exams?”
Momo looked a little disappointed. But her expression quickly changed back to her bright smile. “Well at least let me walk with you. I haven’t seen you all day,” she said.
Kyouka didn’t argue and they walked together in a comfortable silence. At some point Momo started to hold Kyouka’s hand. Usually Kyouka would blush and get flustered by the sudden contact. But she couldn’t bring herself to.
She’s only trying to make you feel good about yourself.
She tried to avoid Momo after that.
Kyouka had a similar schedule for the next week.
She spet the entire day either training or studying. She left class right away to avoid as many of her classmates as possible. If her friends wanted to hang out she made an excuse not to. She barely ate. Her excuses always varied. Sometimes she would say that she already ate. Sometimes she would just push her food around her plate to make it look like she was eating. Then she would throw it away in different trash cans. Sometimes she would force a few bites down when someone was getting suspicious and looking at her. Usually Momo was the one who got suspicious. Sometimes she said she was going to ask one of her teachers some questions about an assignment and then skipped the meal. Sometimes she took the food to her room and then snuck out later to throw it away, so that no one found uneaten food in her room. Then she spent the entire night training and studying instead of sleeping.
It was the only thing that got the voices to stop, even if it was only for a short time. Every time she thought about or tried to relax or care for herself, they just tormented her.
She just wanted them to stop.
One night in particular was awful.
Kyouka was exhausted. She had barely eaten and hadn’t slept in days. She was reaching her breaking point. She decided that she was going to sleep tonight even if it was for just a little bit.
That was a mistake.
Doing nothing made the voices worse. Kyouka tried to ignore them, but they were slowly starting to get to her.
You are worthless.
You are weak.
You are pathetic.
You'll never be worth anything in life.
You're just a burden to all those around you.
Kyouka covered her ears, as if it could somehow silence the voices in her head. But they just got louder and louder. “Get out of my head!” she screamed.
You don't deserve to live.
Kyouka felt herself stiffen up. She didn’t want to believe that thought. But it was right.
Her body seemed to move on it’s own. She slowly moved out of the bed, stood up, and started to slowly walk towards her balcony.
She hated living like this. She hated being useless. She hated being a burden to everyone. She hated being tormented by these voices. She hated that everyone pitied her so they wouldn’t hurt her feelings. No one meant anything bad by it. It wasn’t their fault that Kyouka was worthless.
She was outside.
Maybe it would be better if she was gone. Everyone would be happier. It’s not like anyone would miss her that much anyway. They’d all move on pretty quickly.
She started to climb over the railing.
Kyouka didn’t want to leave a note. That would imply that someone would actually care if she was gone. She wasn’t naive enough to believe that.
One leg was over the edge.
Kyouka froze in place. She looked over the edge and seemed to realize what she was doing. She quickly backed away into her room. She slammed the door shut, locked the door, and ran to the other end of her room.
What was she doing?! Ending it all wasn't going to help her. What about her parents?! They would be devastated. She wasn’t going to put them through that.
Wow, how selfish you are. You’re just too scared to die. Too desperate to see the truth.
For the first time she didn’t listen to the voices.
Kyouka snuck out of her room with her phone and uniform. She went to the common room. She didn’t trust herself to be near anything that could kill or hurt her. She found a blanket that someone left behind and wrapped it around herself. She didn’t sleep that night, and stayed in there until she heard one of her classmates coming. She got changed and hid the bathroom until class started.
Kyouka was walking to the training area again. She needed to clear her head after last night, so studying was out of the question. She had managed to sneak away without many people noticing. Or at least she thought she did until she ran into a certain red-haired guy.
“Hey Jirou! Haven’t seen you in a while. You want to hang out with me and the rest of the gang?” Kirishima asked.
Kyouka let out a sigh. She heard the hint of unease in his voice. You can only ignore your health for so long before people start to notice that something is up. “No thanks Kirishima. I need to train some more if I want to pass our exams.” She had tried not to show how tired she was as she spoke.
Kirishima seemed to want to try to convince Kyouka some more. “Are you sure? We can play some Smash Ultimate. I know how much you love beating Kaminari and laughing at Bakugou’s gane rage.”
By now Kyouka had stopped considering the offers to hang out that her friends made. She knew that the voices would torment her anyway. Besides her classmates were only trying to be including by inviting her. They probably would prefer if she didn’t. Her knowing that didn’t seem to stop the voices from reminding her though.
Honestly why do people even bother trying to be nice to you? You’re a jerk to all of them anyway .
”Like I said Kirishima I’m good. I really need to train right now. Maybe next time,” Kyouka said sounding a little annoyed.
Kirishima seemed like her wanted to press further, but he seemed to sense that Kyouka wasn’t going to be convinced. He sighed heavily. “Ok. Then see you in class tomorrow Jirou,” he said before he reluctantly walked away.
Kyouka continued on her way and started training. She had been attacking a stone slab with her earphone jacks for a while now.
“Kyouka?”
Kyouka let out a startled yelp. She turned around to see her girlfriend, Momo, looking at her with concern. "Oh! Hey, Momo. What are you doing here?" she asked. She tried force a smile on her face.
"I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out. We haven't in a while and you should have a break," Momo explained.
For a moment Kyouka considered the offer. It would be nice to hang out with Momo. She’s been training a lot lately. Maybe she could take a break, just for tonight.
You say that now. But one night will turn into a day. A day will turn into a week. Soon you’ll be wasting all your time screwing around. Besides you still can barely do much of anything. You don’t deserve a break.
Kyouka felt her forced smile disappear as she turned back to the stone block and staring attacking it with her plugs again. "I appreciate the offer Momo, but I'm fine. Maybe some other time." She couldn’t stop. She still wasn’t good enough.
Unfortunately Momo didn’t seem to be convinced "Come on Kyouka. Just for tonight. You can go back to training tomorrow."
"Trust me Momo I'm fine," Kyouka said a bit more frustrated. Why couldn’t Momo see how much she needed to train. Did she really pity her that much?
"You're not fine Kyouka! Everyone is starting to get worried and I-"
"I said I'm fine, Momo!" Kyouka yelled, cutting Momo off. She stopped training for a moment to yell. Guilt immediately went through her as she saw Momo’s hurt expression.
Nice job Kyouka. You really can’t do anything right. It’s not Momo’s fault that you’re worthless.
Kyouka took a deep breath before she started speaking again. "I'm fine, okay? Just leave me alone, please," she said not looking at Momo. She felt too ashamed to. She didn’t want to see the pity on Momo’s face.
There was silence for a moment. "Fine. If that is what you want,” Momo said coldly causing Kyouka to flinch slightly. Her girlfriend walked away without saying another word.
Congratulations. Any ounce of friendliness that she might’ve had for you is gone.
“Be quiet.” Kyouka muttered to herself. She turned around and went straight back to training.
Kyouka wasn’t sure exactly how much time had passed. All she knew was that she felt like she was dying.
Exhaustion tugged at every single limb. She felt dizzy and weak from hunger. Her body hurt from constant strain and training. Worst of all. The voices wouldn’t stop.
Weak
Pathetic
Burden
Worthless
Useless
Just give up.
Final something within Kyouka snapped. Suddenly her body seemed to not be able to move. All the strength left her limbs, and she collapsed. The world seemed to become fuzzy and blurred. Kyouka tried to get up, but her body wasn’t listening. Then her brain started picking up the fuzziness and she could barely think. Black engulfed her vision. Her body was finally resting.
Kyouka didn’t feel much better when she came to. She tried to sit up but her body wouldn’t let her. She groaned.
A few moments later something was put in front of her face. Kyouka couldn’t tell what it was.
“Eat these dearie. You’ll feel better.”
Kyouka complied and opened her mouth to eat whatever was just handed to her. Some strength seemed to flow back into her. She sat up slowly and saw that she was in the infirmary.
”Now take this. It’s going to help you sleep,” Recovery Girl said as she handed Kyouka a pill and a glass of water.
Kyouka didn't want to take it. But she knew that arguing with Recovery Girl was going to lead to a dead end. Might as well try to cause less problems while she could. So she took the medication and the water and gulped it down.
”Now are you going to tell me why you were training when you haven’t been sleeping, drinking, or eating lately?” Recovery Girl asked.
Kyouka knew that it was a way of saying to tell her why, but she couldn’t. She just bowed her head in shame.
Good job being a waste of medical supplies.
Recovery Girl sighed. “Jirou, I know you’re a stubborn kid so I’m not going to try to get you to tell me anything. But I don’t want to have to do this again. Your health is important Jirou. You can’t be a good hero if you’re putting your health in danger to become stronger. You understand?” She was both soft and serious as she spoke.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Now if you excuse me, I have some people to inform about your condition. Don’t try to leave. You’re staying the night here so that I can keep an eye on you.” Recovery Girl didn’t wait for a response as she walked out of the room.
Now Kyouka was left alone in the room in silence.
“Stupid, Stupid, Stupid,” she muttered. “Why did I push myself so hard? I’m no good like this.”
Becuase at least this way you have an excuse for being worthless.
Kyouka heard the door open as someone walked in. She turned her head and saw that it was Momo. Why was she here? Surely Momo wouldn’t want anything to do with her now.
Momo pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down. "Kyouka, I want you to tell me the truth. What's going on?" she asked solemnly, putting her hand on Kyouka's.
She doesn't want to deal with your crap. Momo is just being nice like she always is. She’s not expecting you to answer honestly.
"Nothing, I just got a little carried away today. I'm fi-,"
"Stop lying to me Kyouka!" Momo exclaimed cutting her off. "You have been pushing yourself to the brink! You could have gotten hurt or worse!"
Why did she have to remind her? Of course she knew that she screwed up. "I get it, okay?! I know I messed up! Just stop pitying me!" Kyouka yelled tears starting to form in her eyes.
Momo stiffened in surprise. "Pitying you? Kyouka, why on earth do think I am pitying you?" she asked looking a whole lot more concerned than before.
"Well why else would someone as amazing as you be with someone like me?!" Kyouka yelled, her tears now starting to flow down her face.
There was a stunned and tense silence for what felt like an eternity.
Go on. Tell her how useless you are. Despite that fact that she already knows.
"I'm snarky and rude to everyone around me. I'm not attractive in any way. My quirk is completely useless unless I have some kind of equipment. Heck! The only reason that I'm in UA is due to pure luck. I'm nothing but a burden, if the training camp proved anything. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be a hero. I don't deserve you," Kyouka said softly as she was trying and failing to hold back her sobs. She didn't dare look up a Momo and looked at her lap instead. She didn’t want to see the pity in her gaze.
"Kyouka. Look at me please," Momo said softly.
Kyouka didn’t want to but Momo always had a way of breaking through her walls. She hesitantly looked up and was surprised when Momo pulled her into a kiss. They hadn’t really kissed like this a lot. In fact the last time was a short peck on their first date. Kyouka was stiff with surprise throughout it, but it still felt nice. The kiss was short, but it was easy to tell that there was passion in it. Kyouka was even more surprised when she saw the amount of love that was burning in Momo’s onyx orbs.
"Kyouka I love you. I would not be in a relationship with you if I did not. You are the most beautiful person that I have ever met in my whole life. Know that I have never and will not ever pity you," she said in a very serious demeanor.
She’s lying.
Kyouka didn’t want to listen. Perhaps it was desperation, but Momo’s words sounded sincere.
"You said a lot of things that you'd say makes you not deserve everything you have. But now I'm going to tell you what you do." Momo held Kyouka's hand tightly. She was still trying to hold back her sobs.
Weak
"You are smart, and strong. You are always able to keep calm and come up with some sort of plan in any situation. You are one of the most talented people I know. I don't know anyone else who can play as many instruments or sing as well as you do. You are constantly keeping everyone grounded and with reality when we need it the most. You can hear the quietest things without any equipment. On top of that I have lost count of the amount of times your heartbeat has saved me," Momo said as she placed her hand over Kyouka's heart.
"So if anything I do not deserve you."
Kyouka could barely believe what she was hearing. Momo actually loved her? She finally let go of her tears and sobbed. She quickly pulled Momo into a tight hug which the latter quickly returned. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she muttered over and over again. She felt so guilty for making her girlfriend worry.
Momo rubbed small circles into her back as she cried. "There is no need to be sorry. But who told you that I was pitying you?"
Of course Momo thought someone told her. Not that voices in her head were responsible. She was going to think that Kyouka was crazy. But Kyouka needed to let her emotions out after bottling them up for so long.
Kyouka nuzzled her head into Momo's shoulder, still crying, so her words were a bit muffled. "The voices," she muttered quietly. "They don't stop. They torment me day and night. They keep saying that I'm a burden. That I'll never be good enough. That if I ask for help I'm only being more of a burden then I already am," Kyouka couldn't speak anymore as she continued to cry. She didn’t want to tell her how she almost killed herself. She knew she was going to eventually, but she couldn’t right now.
So Kyouka cried and cried, hugging Momo tightly. She didn’t want to let go. Momo seemed content with comforting her as she let out all the emotions that had been building up.
After a while Kyouka's sobs quieted down and she started to dose off. The medication combined with the emotional exhaustion left her completely drained. Momo noticed this and set her down. She was about to leave until Kyouka grabbed her by the wrist. Kyouka knew she was blushing, but she didn’t care at the moment. Momo looked over to her curiously.
"Please, stay with me."
A soft smile formed on Momo's face as she climbed in and spooned Kyouka over. She ran a hand through the her hair. It made her feel relaxed and comfortable. The voices in her head finally seemed to stop. Kyouka finally let her exhaustion take her into the depths of sleep. "I love you Momo," she muttered sleepily as she drifted off. She finally felt at peace.
Maybe it was her imagination, but she thought she heard Momo say "I love you too," and felt a kiss being place on her head. Then Kyouka finally fell asleep as Momo pulled her closer to her.
The voices weren’t gone. They were still there and they weren’t going to go away. But with Momo’s help, maybe they could become manageable. So long as the two had each other.