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“Can you hand me the wrench, please, Will?”
“Here.”
Jonathan tightened the last nut before throwing the hood down and hopping behind the wheel for one last ditch effort in getting the car to start. Turning the key in there ignition amounted to nothing, as he’d feared.
“It’s not starting, is it?” Asked his brother, standing right outside the car, his arms wrapped around himself to shield against the cold breeze.
“No. I’m sorry, bud.”
“So we’re not going, then?”
“I don’t know how we could. Mom needs to work this weekend and she can’t get to work without her car, and I don’t think this car’s going to run again.”
Will nodded. “Tell Mom I’ll be home for dinner," he said, his voice higher than usual.
Jonathan rubbed his face in exhaustion, devastated that he had no words of comfort to offer to Will. Ever since the move, his brother had spent more and more of his time alone, usually hanging out in arcades, video stores or comic book stores after school. It wasn’t fair to spy on him, but he’d only wanted to make sure nothing was going on.
“Where are you going?”
“Out. I want to be alone, Jonathan.”
It was true that their shared room offered little privacy, but he missed his brother. He wished the two of them were still as close as they used to be, but things had changed. A part of him knew it was his fault because he’d gone and started dating Nancy, but Will had changed too. He no longer had his D & D books, having donated them away during the move. Jonathan had tried telling him that it wasn't childish to enjoy something, but his words had fallen on deaf ears. Their mom had told him to give it time, that Will was growing up and that he would start opening up again eventually.
“There’s a blizzard coming. Go to our room, okay? I’ll stay away if you want me to, I promise.”
“No, I don’t want to go home yet.”
Without another word, Will stomped off, leaving him with the good-for-nothing piece of junk, formerly known as his car. Jonathan stared at Will's back until he turned a corner and disappeared from view. He felt like the worst brother in the world, having just disappointed Will, who was already down to begin with. Dejected, he locked the car out of habit and headed inside.
***
The apartment was still empty when he got in, so at least he could call Nancy without anyone interrupting. He hated delivering bad news, but if they weren’t coming, she needed to know as soon as possible. With a heavy heart, he dialed the familiar number.
“Hello?” Recognizing Karen Wheeler's voice on the other end of the line, Jonathan wondered if perhaps Nancy wasn't at home yet.
“Hi Mrs. Wheeler, it’s Jonathan. Is Nancy home?”
“Hi Jonathan, yes she is, hold on honey. Nancy? Jonathan’s on the phone!”
There was a click as Nancy lifted the receiver in her room.
“Jonathan?”
“Hey... Look, I hate to tell you this, but we’re not coming this weekend.”
“What happened?”
“My car’s done for good, I think.”
“Oh, Jonathan...”
“So, I... I don’t know when we’ll be able to come,” he continued quietly, forcing the tears of frustration down.
“I’m so sorry about your car,” she said, her voice almost as quiet as his.
“I'll buy a new one, as soon as I can... I miss you, I wish you were here or that I was there with you.” It was a laughable understatement and not even close to what she deserved to hear from him, but he had nothing else to offer for the time being.
“I miss you too. Look, ugh, never mind-“ she began.
“Never mind what?"
“I won’t tell you that it’s going to be okay somehow because obviously I don’t know when you'll be able to replace the car. But I still love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Are you alone?”
“Right now, yeah. El’s supposed to come home from school soon, though.”
“She doesn’t know about the car yet?”
“No.”
“Do you want me tell Mike? He’s not home yet either.”
“I don’t see why not. Tell him I’m sorry.”
“You don’t owe him an apology. Hell, you didn’t owe one to me, not really. None of this shit is your fault.”
“Maybe, but it’s the only thing I can think of saying,” he confessed, sinking down onto the floor, his back against the wall. “I feel so empty, Nancy,” he continued.
“You’re tired. I can hear that in your voice.”
“I’m tired of everything, to be honest,” he replied. “Sorry, Nancy. I feel like I’m burdening you with this.”
“You’re not. I’m glad you told me. Look, I have to go, but I’ll call you later, I promise.”
“All right, bye.”
Abrupt goodbyes weren’t like Nancy at all, and left a ball of fear in his stomach. Maybe she was finally starting to realize how much this sucked, and how hopeless it was.
***
Keys rattled in the lock before the door opened, revealing El. She shook sleet out of her hair and winter boots before setting her backpack on the floor. He’d been hoping for some time alone before facing her and Will, but she was home, so it was best to get it over with.
“Hey,” he greeted.
“Hi Jonathan,” she replied, already heading for the couch and the remote. Afternoon soaps were her thing, he believed her favorite to be called Days of Our Lives or something similarly ridiculous.
“How was school today?”
She shrugged. “Okay… We had a science quiz. I wasn’t prepared.”
“Oh. How did it go?”
“We’re getting them back after the weekend, but I don't know if I got anything right…”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s just one quiz,” he assured her, plopping down on the other end of the couch.
“Why were you outside?” She asked, frowning at the sight of his soaked hair.
He sighed. “I was trying to fix my car. I was supposed to go the store for food before our trip, but it wouldn’t start.”
“Did you fix it?” The sorrow in El’s eyes made Jonathan swallow. She was starting to get the gist of the problem at hand.
“No. I’m sorry.”
“But you will, won’t you? You know a lot about cars.”
“Sometimes a car is beyond all help, El. The engine’s just too old and worn down,” he answered softly. “So, that means we can’t go to Hawkins.” They were supposed to leave within the next few hours.
“When can we go?”
“I don’t know.” He wished he did, though. It had been six weeks since he’d last seen Nancy, for Christmas and New Years, and it was mid-February by now. Too long. It was always too long. "I talked to Nancy already, and she promised to let Mike know."
"Okay." A tear slipped out of El’s eye and to Jonathan it felt like the end of the world, even though losing his car meant much worse things than just her being unable to see Mike and her friends and him having to stay apart from Nancy longer. It meant he wouldn’t be able to drive to work, which was a disaster for their entire family. No car, no jobs, no money. Biking in this weather would be suicide, his workplace was too far away to walk to, and buses ran once an hour. Hell, he'd never thought he'd be so desperate to get to a place where he spent his time washing dishes and waiting tables. He’d already gone through all his belongings, wondering if he had anything worth selling for a new car, but the answer was likely to be a resounding no.
His college fund had long since been renamed as Will's college fund, at least in Jonathan's head, so there was no touching it. The sudden addition of another mouth to feed had forced him to accept some new realities, like that he should bury his dreams of college until further notice. The only things he owned that were worth anything were his camera and stereo, and it would hurt to part with them, but he would do it if there was no other way.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again as El buried her face in her hands to sob. Suddenly she made a strangled sound that sounded like a question, but he couldn’t hear her.
“What is it, El?”
“Can I try?” She asked, clearing her throat.
“To fix the car?” The girl nodded. “Yeah, sure, why not? I’m going to sell it for spare parts anyway.”
El’s powers still hadn’t returned, but they were all still hanging onto hope that eventually they would. If his old piece-of-shit of a car could play a part in it, he’d be more than happy.
“Let’s do it right now,” she prompted.
“All right. Put your coat on though, the weather’s awful and getting worse. There’s a storm coming.”
They bundled up and walked down the staircase. The elevator in the building was an old, rattling thing that he only used if absolutely necessary.
The car stood in the spot he’d come accustomed to parking it in, nothing seemingly amiss from the outside. The inside was a different story, however. The engine was a mess, and he wasn’t a miracle worker.
“We’d best get inside the car, even if-“ he stopped in mid-sentence, unsure if reminding El of the possibility of failure was the greatest idea.
“Even if I fail,” she completed, her serious dark eyes boring into his. “It’s okay, I don’t expect them to be back,” she finished.
He took the driver’s seat although they weren’t going anywhere, but old habits died hard.
Inhaling deeply, El focused. Jonathan observed as her eyes squeezed shut and her arm extended towards the dashboard. Pain and exertion took over her features, but nothing happened. She slumped back into the seat, breathing heavily. Just to check once more, he turned the key in the ignition. The car stayed silent.
“Look, it was worth a try,” he told her.
El nodded, but she was crying again. Shit, he still wasn’t used to having a little sister. When his mom or Nancy were sad, he could put an arm around them to comfort, but with El, a teenage girl? Would she find it awkward or weird?
“Do you want to get hot chocolate before the weather gets too bad? There’s a decent place a few blocks away,” he suggested. “Or would you rather go home? I’ll even watch your soaps with you.” He could really use a moment of peace to fight off the sense of impending doom his car’s demise had brought on.
“You hate the soaps,” she pointed out, her lips curving into a smile.
“So? I can make myself watch them for a good cause.”
“I want hot chocolate.”
”Okay, hot chocolate it is.”
“What does it mean to sell a car for spare parts?” She asked.
“It means that they’ll give me some money for the car, take the whole thing apart and then use the parts for other cars.”
“That sounds kind of sad.”
“I guess, I haven’t thought about it that way.” Sure, he’d had that car ever since he’d first been permitted to drive. It had been a birthday present from his mom. He’d experienced some great times in that car, especially with Nancy… Which he would relive later in his head when there were no parents or younger siblings around. Nevertheless, at the end of the day it was just a car. There would be another one eventually. "But El, you can also look at it as a way to give some parts of the car a new life."
"True."
***
The slush was ankle deep on the streets as they trudged towards the coffee shop five blocks away from their apartment, and the sky was getting greyer and greyer by the minute, the wind increasing in force. Seeing El shivering against the gusts reminded him that the winter jacket she was wearing had once been his, and then Will’s, until his brother had grown out of it. It was long overdue to be replaced.
Pulling the door open to let El in, he broke the silence. “Do you want whipped cream or marshmallows in yours?”
The girl smiled for the first time since he’d told her the truth about the condition of the car.
“Both?”
Jonathan chuckled. “Sounds great.”
The place was crowded, the two of them obviously not the only ones to think the gloomy weather called for hot beverages.
He made an order for two hot chocolates, both with extra whipped cream and marshmallows while El found them an unoccupied table right beside the wall-length window.
“Have you gotten friends at school yet?” He asked, stirring his drink.
“I… I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes I think they’re being nice… And sometimes I think they're making fun of me... Like I'm a joke, or they're making a joke and know I don't understand it.”
Hawkins or elsewhere, people were still assholes. It was hardly surprising, but this was definitely not the kind of new beginning they'd been hoping for El. “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” El couldn’t attend the same grade as Will did, so they had received a fake statement from Dr. Owens to prove that El had suffered from a brain tumor, leading into a developmental delay. Even with that, he’d figured things could be hard for her.
“And there are so many secrets to keep,” she sighed, glancing outside into the street.
That he got. Even in a new school, he still preferred sticking to his own company, but he got her. There were so many things El could never tell her new friends. Hell, she had to hide some of the most integral parts of herself.
“I know. I wish it didn’t have to be like that for you, or for Will, for any of us.”
“And I miss him.” Jonathan nodded, understanding which he she was talking about. It was the he his mother had cried over, who had looked after El like a parent. “I wish I could look for him.”
Keeping his voice low, he inquired “In the void?”
“Yeah. So I could know that he’s really gone.”
“You don’t think he’s gone? El-“ He started.
“I can’t stop hoping.”
”I get it, El, but right now there’s nothing to prove that he’s not dead.”
”What if I never get them back?”
”Then you’ll still be special.”
”But I can’t help if something bad happens.”
”You can’t be responsible for everything, nobody can, no matter how strong they are.”
El offered him a weak smile in return. “You’re wise.”
Jonathan scoffed. “Not really. It’s just common sense.”
”You won’t be in school anymore after this year?”
“That’s right, I won’t.”
”Are you going to leave?”
He frowned. “Why are you asking? Has someone said I'm leaving?”
”Will says so.”
”He does?”
”Yeah. Is it true?”
Staring into the remnants of his hot chocolate, he wasn’t sure what to tell her.
“I would never bail out on you guys.”
”Will says you want to go and be with Nancy.”
Yes, he did, but things were more complicated than that. This was about the survival of his family and he was willing to sacrifice anything and everything for that... But his future with Nancy was the last thing he would give up on. He didn’t want to think about losing her or how it would make him feel, although the risk existed. This was not a good topic, especially right now.
“Do you want to marry Nancy?” El prodded, obviously dissatisfied by his lack of answer to her previous question.
He knew it might end up not being his choice at all, because although Nancy was tough, people didn’t stick around forever for partners who couldn’t give them anything, and he could barely see her in person. Phone calls and cheesy cards sent over mail were one thing and they could be enough temporarily, but in the long run she deserved so much better.
El wasn’t even 15 years old yet, he couldn’t smash her dreams by telling her that yes, he wanted Nancy to be his wife someday but that it wasn’t something he could afford to really think about.
”We’re too young to get married,” he settled on replying. That was part of the truth, anyway.
”But you love her, right?”
”Of course I do. Like you love Mike," he added to tease her, changing the subject. Not that he really wanted to think about what exactly Mike and El did together. That was something he'd happily left fully up to his mom to deal with.
El's face turned crimson, but she couldn't stop grinning. "I wonder if the snowstorm will mean the radio won't work."
"I guess you'll see soon enough. Look, are you finished, El? We should head home."
As great as the hot chocolate had been, it hadn't changed his somber mood. El, him and Will were in the same boat and he had no trouble talking to them even while feeling like this, but he'd prefer to avoid his mom for the rest of the night.
"I'm ready, but I think you should use my money to buy a new car," suggested El.
He nearly got whiplash as he turned to look at her. There was no way he would ever take the money left for her by Hopper that they'd put aside for her future studies or whatever she needed, but the fact that she'd offered made his stomach lurch.
"No, no," he began, suddenly out of breath. "It's your money, El. I'd never touch that, you have to know that. But it was nice of you to offer to help," he continued.
"Okay. If you change your mind-"
"I won't. Promise."
***
His mom was seated on the couch when they entered.
“Will told me about your car,” she said, her face full of regret. The last thing he was in the mood for was her pity party. His frustration and fears were getting the best of him and he didn't want to risk unloading it all on on his mom. So, the plan was to isolate himself, well, as much as that was possible when he shared the room with Will, until he no longer felt like he needed someone to blame, someone to yell at.
“Right. I’ll get rid of it tomorrow,” he replied, feeling too worn out to take care of it tonight.
“I’ve got homework,” said El, clearly not wanting to discuss their failed trip.
“Go on, sweetie. Ask if you need any help, dinner’s in an hour.”
Once El had left the room, it was just him and his mom. The knot of unease in his gut was threatening to bubble over. He should go outside, or sit in the car.
“Jonathan? I’m sorry about the car,” she said, standing up.
“I’m just gonna go to my-our room.”
“No, stay. You look like you need to talk about this.”
“No, I really don’t.”
“You never tell me how you feel. Trust me, I know how important it’s been for you to have that car," she said, her voice too soft, too pitying.
He pursed his lips, trying to keep the words from leaving it. “Mom, let me be, okay? I’ll be fine tomorrow.” Or if not fine, at least calmer, less bitter. Maybe.
“Did you tell Nancy? What did she say?”
She couldn’t leave it alone, could she, just this once?
“All right, you want me to talk? Let’s talk about how we’re stuck in this stupid city where none of us ever wanted to move! How Will has no friends and El’s classmates make fun of her! How I can’t even get to work without a functioning car, and how the only person outside this family I’ve ever loved is hundreds of miles away and I have no way of seeing her! Is that what you want to talk about, Mom?”
“Sounds like that’s what you want to talk about.”
“When has it ever mattered what I want? I don’t really talk to people at school because why would I bother? They’ll be gone within months, while I will still be here, working some crappy job to keep us afloat, sharing my room with my brother until I’m 25 years old, or maybe even longer. Because Jonathan doesn’t need his own space, and because Jonathan can give things up because he’s the oldest. Guess what Mom? I don’t want to give up everything!”
“I know, sweetie, just listen-“
“No, I won’t, because nothing you or I say right now will make a difference. I’m still going to be here, doing exactly as you need me to do, even when my girlfriend sensibly gets tired of waiting and walks out on me. Once that happens, I’m all yours. No more aspirations outside this apartment and this family. The rest of them I'm already done with, and she's the last one.”
"Jonathan, please-"
"No."
He was gasping for breath, hot tears of anger staining his face. He had to stop, get away from this. Marching to the door, he grabbed his coat.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Out.”
“Into the blizzard?”
“Yeah.”
Crossing her arms over her chest, his mother closed her eyes. "Be safe," she murmured, despite clearly wanting to stop him.
***
As he closed the door behind him, he was already feeling bad for what he'd said to her. Even if some of it felt like the truth, he should've kept his mouth shut. Stepping into the street, he found it mostly empty, probably because the snow was coming down heavily now, the wind turning the falling flakes into freezing flurries that stung when they hit the bare skin of his face and made the tears on his cheeks freeze.
He ploughed on for God knew how long, his teeth chattering from the cold, his breaths shallow to stop his lungs from the same fate his tears had suffered. The deserted streets turned combined with the snow and wind turned the entire landscape into something not-quite out of this world. He'd never been to the upside down himself, but Will, El and Nancy had told him enough about it for him to be able to imagine the place. Something resembling snow fell down there as well. His mom had brought them there in order to be far away from all that, but there was really no escaping it, was there? They all had nightmares, and he hated that he was no longer there to help Nancy with hers.
"Jonathan!" Her voice was almost lost in the blowing wind, but he'd recognize it anywhere.
"Nancy!" He called out, still struggling to locate her.
A car was parked at an intersection, its headlights on and wipers fighting a losing battle against the snow. Nancy was standing beside the car, waving at him. He took off on a run, as did she. They met in the middle, Nancy colliding into him with a force that knocked the air out of his lungs.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, sinking his hands into her free-flowing hair.
She blinked snowflakes off her lashes, tightening their embrace. "You sounded so deflated on the phone. I couldn't stay home when you needed me, and I've been dying to see you for weeks. So I swung by the school to grab Mike and drove straight here."
"Thank you," he murmured, pulling her as close to him as possible with all the layers of clothing they were wearing. He wasn't supposed to start crying into her shoulder, but seeing her there, holding her in his arms again on the worst day he'd had in this city so far...
"I hate this," he sobbed.
Nancy's fingers moved from his back to rub his neck. "I know," she whispered into his ear.
"I yelled at my mom."
"Yeah, she said you were pretty upset. I left Mike there and came to look for you."
"You're crazy to be out here in this weather," he chuckled.
"So are you."
"I'm scared, Nancy," he exhaled.
"Everyone's scared sometimes, but you're not alone. I don't always understand what you're going through, but I want to. I'm not giving up on us, okay?"
He nodded. This was the best she could promise, and he wouldn't ask for more than that.
"Are you ready to go back inside?"
"Yeah, I think so. And even if I wasn't, I don't want either one of us to get a frostbite out here."
Her hand entwined with his, pulling him to the car. Climbing in, he took her by the shoulders as she got in the driver's seat.
"I- I can't tell you how glad I am that you came," he told her.
She smiled at him, reaching out to caress his cheek. "You can show me later," she joked, leaning in to kiss him.
The kiss was a feverish one, as if both of them at last understood the length of their separation. Jonathan wanted to lose himself in her and never come up for air, but the reality was that they were unlikely to get any time alone all weekend. It would have to wait.
"I wish it could be this weekend," he replied, his hands finding her waist underneath her coat.
"That's another part of the surprise... We're not staying at your place, but an inn a couple of blocks away. Your mom thought it was a great idea," revealed Nancy, nipping at his ear playfully. Inhaling sharply, he slid his arms around her waist, holding her tight.
"Are you serious? I love every part of this surprise."
"I was hoping you would."
***
As they reached the door of his apartment, Jonathan was finally forced to let go of Nancy's hand to turn the key in the lock, but she rectified the situation as soon as they were inside. He squeezed her hand tenderly, not wanting to miss a single moment with her.
"Hey, you two. Everything all right?" Asked his mom, coming out of the kitchen, a half-washed pan in her hand.
"Yeah, we're good," he assured her, his neck burning with regret and embarrassment. He'd yelled at her, exactly like his dad used to do. Yelled while his younger siblings were within hearing range.
"Are you hungry?"
Jonathan glanced at Nancy to see her shake her head. He wasn't in need of dinner, either.
"No, thanks. Look, Mom-"
"Honey, before you say anything, have a seat. I've got something for you."
"I'll give you two some privacy," said Nancy, dropping his hand.
"There's no need for that, Nancy. Please stay," pleaded his mother, approaching them to place something in his hand.
"Here you go," she said.
"Where did this come from?" He asked, staring at the wad of bills in awe.
"From the emergency cash."
"I thought we agreed that it was for true emergencies, like if one of us got sick-"
"This is an emergency, Jonathan. Buy a new car."
"Thank you," he sighed, relinquishing his hold on Nancy to hug his mother.
"You're welcome."
"I'm so sorry for everything I said earlier, for yelling at you like that. I'm an idiot."
"Don't be sorry, Jonathan, you made some good points. We'll build a partition wall in your and Will's room, so both of you can have your own space. I'm glad you got to let some of it out, I've actually been worried about you."
"I'll be fine. I am fine," he corrected himself.
"It's okay if there are times when you aren't. But talk to me, or to Nancy if you want to."
"You guys really don't mind if I go with her now?"
"No, it's a fantastic idea. Mike can have your bed for the night. Have fun," she answered, wiggling her eyebrows at the last words, making Jonathan wish the floor would open up and swallow him whole.
"Right. Uh, we'll be here tomorrow."
"Jonathan?"
"Yeah?"
"The last thing you mentioned? You won't end up like that. I won't let it happen."
His mom's words made his throat grow dry. When she made a promise like that, she'd do anything to keep it. Turning on his heels once more, he pulled her into an embrace, lifting her from the ground.
"Thank you. I love you, Mom," he replied, his voice hoarse.
”I love you too. Now, get out of here and go be the awesome young man in love I know you are,” she ordered, squeezing his shoulders as she smiled up at him.
”I will, as soon as I’ve said goodnight to the kids.”
”They’re all in El’s room.”
Picking up Nancy’s hand again, he pulled her with him, happy to hear El and Mike weren’t too wrapped up in each other to hang out with Will. Apparently Hopper had enforced a rule forcing the kids to keep the door at least six inches ajar, but his mom wasn’t into rules like that. “It’s all about the trust,” she’d say.
El’s bright giggles could be heard even outside the room, but he still opted to knock before opening the door. The three teenagers were seated on the floor, a deck of playing cards in the middle. She wasn’t the only one laughing; Will too looked happier than in weeks, a genuine smile lighting up his face.
“Hey guys,” he greeted.
”Hi."
“Did Nancy already tell you how she nearly left me behind in Hawkins?” Asked Mike.
”Oh, shut up. You’re lucky I even made the effort to try to find you,” interjected Nancy, rolling her eyes at her brother as her hold on his hand tightened.
”How was I supposed to know you were going to take Mom's car and drive straight here like a madwoman?"
Will scoffed. "Knock it off, guys. We're all together now, so who cares?"
"Yeah, it's your turn anyway, Mike," El chimed in.
"Do you guys want to play too?" Asked Will, surprising Jonathan. Was this even really happening?
"We can stick around for a few rounds if you want to, I don't care if we have to dig our way to the inn later," murmured Nancy. Beaming at her, he kissed her cheek before nodding at Will.
"Of course we do, bud."
As Nancy shuffled the cards and Mike and El left the room to retrieve snacks from the kitchen, he took his brother by the shoulder.
"Everything all right?" He asked.
Will nodded, this time looking him in the eye. "Yeah, right now everything's perfect."
Clapping him on the back lightly, Jonathan could hardly disagree with that assessment.