Chapter Text
Space lurched, twisted, and lengthened as Rose Lalonde tried to scream. Everything about the sensation was wrong and her brain, somehow still functional, was panicking as she felt every part of her body pulled taut and stretched like putty. This was the worst pain she’d ever felt. Every nerve was under attack and sending signals of agony to her panic-maddened brain.
The instant that passed felt like an eternity before everything in her body snapped back into place like a rubber band. Rose collapsed to the floor below. She sucked in breath and just screamed until it felt like her throat was bloody and raw. She felt hands grab her and she fought back with tooth and nail; she clawed, bit, thrashed, and screamed, lost in pure panic.
The pain was already starting to fade. Her brain caught up with the rest of her and the flow of adrenaline ceased as she tried to gather her thoughts. Gray, horned humans – aliens - were grabbing her roughly and holding her tight. She began to cry, then, out of utter fear and horror. It was hard to think through the murky haze that filled her every thought, and all Rose could do was sob and try to calm down, just a little. Many hands became one pair, and the hands became arms that enfolded her in a tight embrace. The pale, glowing girl that held her whispered incomprehensible words into Rose’s ear and everything started to seem okay.
Rose trembled and clung to that nameless, faceless bastion of safety with a death grip. Her nails dug holes into the stained black shirt and she buried her face into the crook of the girl’s neck. Rose panted for breath in ragged gasps. Her heart pounded in her chest; sweat smeared across her face and matted down her platinum blonde hair.
Pop – and then another scream, masculine but immature. Her head turned to stare at the new spectacle through tear-blurred eyes. It was John, and he was screaming too, and an alien – no, a troll, Rose remembered. A troll in orange clothes was already there to grab him and pull him aside. His screaming slowed to a stop as the orange troll held him and said things that Rose couldn’t hear.
The adrenaline slipped away as her mind and body slowly returned to normalcy. Rose took a slow survey of the small room: computers on every side, a pile of magenta-stained bicycle horns in one corner, debris and random items strewn across the floor. The debris of what looked like an explosion covered one corner of the room. Two dried liquids, one magenta and the other a pale green, were smeared across the tiles. One wall was smeared with what looked like mustard. It was an utter mess.
She recognized Dave, the first of them through Jade’s wormhole, leaning against a bench. His head turned periodically between her and John, his eyes obscured by the black shades that never left his face. He looked like absolute shit: hair disheveled, shirt twisted, skin scraped.
Rose was surprised to see a second troll dressed in the colorful silks of a God Tier player standing to Dave’s left – this one was dark red. There was a pink gear emblazoned on her chest but Rose had no idea what that stood for and, to be frank, she was in no mood to try to figure it out. The troll noticed Rose’s gaze and gave her a wide smile and a wave. Rose tentatively waved back. Intriguing.
To Dave’s right was a pair of trolls, male and female. The female was leaning towards Dave and talking a mile a minute, though Rose couldn’t understand a word she was saying. She wore a strange, tight-fitting red and teal outfit with a stylized Libra symbol emblazoned across the chest. She leaned on a white cane as she talked at Dave, her eyes obscured by a pair of opaque red glasses. That must be Terezi Pyrope.
To the right of the loud, chattering troll was another who was short, scrawny and seemed to be preoccupied with ignoring Terezi. A gray Cancer symbol adorned the black shirt on his chest. Karkat Vantas. He wasn’t quite how Kanaya had described him to be. There seemed to be little anger about him, only an aura of exhaustion and uncertainty.
Rose assumed the orange-clothed troll currently sitting cross-legged and holding a quickly calming John to be Vriska Serket. Her mass of lengthy, disheveled hair and the ridiculous blue makeup she wore made her stand out from the others. The brilliant orange suit with its stylized yellow sun marked her as Rose's elemental counterpart. Yes, definitely Vriska.
Kanaya wasn’t anywhere to be seen among those currently in the room, except for… Rose looked towards the troll in whose arms she was ensconced, in whose lap she was sitting, against whom she had been pressing and grabbing and… Rose jerked in surprise, blushed and pulled herself away from the glowing troll. She scrambled to her feet and stared wide-eyed at Kanaya Maryam, who seemed baffled.
“K-Kanaya, I… I’m sorry, I, uh… I… Hello! It’s nice to finally meet you.” Brilliant, Lalonde. Absolutely charming. No awkwardness there. Kanaya responded with a stare like a deer in the headlights before speaking.
“Ruz? Ulertzen dut ez duzu, Ruz. Hizkuntza hitz egiten al duzu?”
Rose stared in disbelief.
Pop – Jade appeared with no theatrics or histrionics. She calmly dusted off her blue dress and waved at everyone in the room with her characteristic grin.
Kanaya and Rose stared at each other as Rose tried to parse what Kanaya had just said. Possibilities whirled through her mind with dizzying rapidity: okay maybe my brain is simply scrambled after the wormhole and I can’t understand language anymore god I hope that’s not the case okay maybe she’s just playing a prank wait no that’s stupid she’s not John she doesn’t do that okay maybe she’s the one who can’t do language properly anymore but wait I can’t understand the other trolls either oh god what’s wrong with me-
Dave’s voice, even and neutral, broke the tension. “Guys, am I just crazy or can you not understand a single word these gray assholes are saying?”
“I sure can’t,” John said as he stared at Vriska in shock. She, in turn, looked astonished.
“Huh?” Jade just looked confused.
Rose’s head snapped towards Dave’s voice before swiveling back towards Kanaya. “Wait,” Rose said. Her voice was quiet. “Wait. Wait.” She twisted her face into an expression of incredulity as realization dawned. Oh my god. She tapped her finger against her headband and a transparent green square appeared over her eye. A twitch of her eye opened a message to Kanaya. Rose spoke and then sent the message, never taking her eyes off the troll.
tentacleTherapist[TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
TT: Please say you can understand this message.
Ping! The sound came from the troll’s pocket. She reached in and pulled out a cracked pair of dark sunglasses. She placed them daintily upon her face and spoke, once again incomprehensible.
GA: Yes I Can
GA: Rose What Is Going On
Rose had no nope of suppressing it. The laugh started out as a disbelieving chuckle, then a single guffaw, and then swiftly degenerated into bowled-over, belly-clutching gales of laughter at the sheer absurdity of the situation. Of course. Of fucking course. Paradox Space wasn’t known for playing fair, was it?
Everyone simply stared at her as she did her best to stop laughing, with only marginal success. It took several minutes for it to stop completely, leaving her out of breath and with aching sides.
A memo notification appeared in her visor.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: OKAY, ASSHOLES
CCG: GET IN HERE
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: hi karkat!
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: sup
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: I Cannot Believe This
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: God, tell me a8out it!!!!!!!!
CEB: hi vriska!
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: its kind of funny though
CAG: Hi, John! ::::) So nice to finally meeeeeeeet you.
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: guys whats going on????? D:
CEB: haha likewise! you’re cuter than i thought you’d be.
CEB: oh jeez i hope that didn’t sound weird or something!
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: It would seem that there is a language barrier that we did not anticipate.
CEB: i just think you’re pretty, that’s all. for a troll i mean.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Th8nk you, John.
CTT: Please excuse my gales of laughter, by the way. I assure you I am in full control of my mental faculties.
CGC: YOUR3 3XCUS3D L4LOND3 >:] TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S PR3TTY FUNNY!
CTT: By the way, it’s nice to meet you again, Aradia. It is Aradia, right?
CAA: yes my name is aradia
CAA: i think we spoke once before i blew myself up and became a god
CTT: Yes, I remember that.
CAA: i meant to see if i could find you when i was in the dream bubbles but never really got the opportunity!
CEB: oh, vriska! karkat said you were going to uh
CEB: well i guess if you were gonna kiss me or something you’d do it already right? ha ha no need to worry about that!
CAG: There’s plenty of time for that laaaaaaaater, John. :::;)
CEB: uh oh...
CAA: are you two serious
CAG: Shut the fuck up Megido!!!!!!!!
CTT: Oh my god.
CTG: haha god damn egbert look at you getting the weird alien ladies already
CGG: <_<;;
CCG: UGH. I’M GOING TO VOMIT.
CCG: IF I HAVE TO SEE ANY INTERSPECIES KISSING I’M GOING TO FALL ON MY SICKLE AND BLEED OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR
CCG: AND YOU WILL ALL HAVE TO ERECT SOME RIDICULOUS FUCKING TOMBSTONE IN MY MEMORY
CCG: HERE LIES KARKAT
CCG: DIED BECAUSE OF DISGUSTING ALIEN MAKEOUTS
CCG: SO SHUT THE FUCK UP
CCG: THIS IS IMPORTANT. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO CARRY OUT A PLAN AND THIS REALLY PUTS A DAMPER ON THINGS.
CCG: SO IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR ME TO BE THE LEADER.
CCG: I WILL TRY TO PUT ASIDE MY GENERAL LOATHING FOR ALL OF YOU IN ORDER TO MAKE A SCHEDULE TO TEACH EACH OTHER OUR RESPECTIVE LANGUAGES
CCG: BY WHICH I MEAN WE TEACH THE HUMANS HOW TO SPEAK STANDARD ALTERNIAN SINCE THERE’S NO WAY IN FUCK I’M GOING TO LEARN WHATEVER SHITHIVE LANGUAGE THE HUMANS ARE VOMITING FROM THEIR DISGUSTING PINK WINDHOLES.
CTG: haha whatever dude
CTG: spoken like a true chump just like always
CTG: sorry if you cant appreciate the pure beauty of the english language
CTG: or maybe youre just jealous
CTG: i mean i dont blame you with the way rezis been mackin on me like theres been years of bitter famine and shes some starving ethiopian kid trying to get a bowl of rice
CTG: im the bowl of rice in this scenario btw
CCG banned CTG from responding to memo.
CGC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3!!
CCG: I KNEW IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA TO BRING STRIDER HERE.
CGC: SHUT UP K4RK4T! H3S COOL >:[
CGC: COOL3R TH4N YOU! H3H3H3 >:]
CAA: ok this is dumb
CAA: lets stop fighting and instead actually try to work out some semblance of a plan
CAA: though given what you guys have been up to lately maybe thats beyond you at this point
CTT: What, precisely, have you guys been “up to?” I’ve gathered that something terrible has happened but as you may have noticed, up until very recently I’ve been out of commission.
CTT: So to speak.
CCG: OKAY LOOK IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY THAT MIGHT INVOLVE ERIDAN AND GAMZEE GOING OFF THE FUCKING DEEP END. THE MAJORITY OF US MIGHT BE DEAD BECAUSE OF THAT. IT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
CEB: oh man what?
CGG: kanaya told me what happened...... i guess i should have told you guys but everything just got so crazy!!!!
CGA: Yes Crazy Is Definitely The Word I Would Use To Describe Recent Events
CTT: I see.
CGA: Also Rose I Suppose I Should Tell You That I Am A Rainbow Drinker
CGA: Which Is To Say I Am A Creature Of Alternian Legend Who Walks In Daylight And Feasts Upon The Vital Fluids Of Unsuspecting Trolls
CTT: So you’re a vampire. You are literally a vampire.
CGA: Um
CGA: I Dont Know Maybe
CGA: What Is A Vampire
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 1 MINUTE FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: fucking vampires
FTG: really
CCG banned FTG from responding to memo.
CCG: OH MY GOD WHO CARES
CTT: Essentially, what you described except replace daylight with moonlight and trolls with humans.
CGA: Oh
CGA: Then Yes
CTT: Is that also the explanation for why you’re glowing white?
CGA: Yes
CTT: Interesting.
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG2] 2 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG2: anyway rezi kind of hinted at some shit going down
FTG2: didnt know it was like that though
CCG banned FTG2 from responding to memo.
CGC: K4RKL3S!!! >:[
CCG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER WITH THE BANS.
CCG: IT’S NOT LIKE THEY EVER FUCKING WORK.
CGC: STOP B31NG SUCH 4 GROUCHY WR1GGL3R
CCG: WHATEVER
CCG: I GUESS I CAN FILL YOU HUMANS IN ON WHAT HAPPENED LATER. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE OTHER THINGS WE NEED TO FOCUS ON, OKAY?
CCG: WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SESSION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
CCG: JUST IN CASE YOU STUPID SHITS FORGOT, JACK’S STILL HERE. WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IT’LL BE UNTIL HE FINDS US. WE’RE IN NO SHAPE TO FIGHT HIM IF HE DOES.
CAG: Man, what! We have three God Tier pl8yers! We can totally t8ke him out!!!!!!!!
CEB: uh, i’m not sure if we can, actually.
CEB: i tried to fight him and he pretty much stabbed me instantly.
CAG: Joooooooohn, you need to have more f8th in your a8ilities! ::::)
CAG: 8esides, Aradia can stop time or whatever and then I can steal aaaaaaaall his luck!
CAG: Teamwork, John.
CAA: i think youre vastly underestimating jacks abilities vriska
CCG: OKAY LOOK THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS TO LOSE ANY MORE PEOPLE OR LEAD HIM HERE.
CCG: WE NEED TO FORMULATE A NEW PLAN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BEING STUPID AND GETTING KILLED
CEB: well that definitely seems like a good idea! buuuuuuuut…
CEB: i don’t know about the rest of you but i’m not sure i’m up for making good plans right now.
CTT: I’m afraid I must concur. After what has happened, some rest and recuperation is in order.
CTT: For all of us.
CGA: Yes I Agree
CAA: we have time for that yes
CAG: Whatever.
CGG: ummmmm i feel fine!! but i guess ive been sleeping way more than you guys
CGC: 1TS B33N 4WH1L3 S1NC3 W3V3 B33N 4BL3 TO R3ST
CGC: 1F W3 H4V3 T1M3 TH3N W3 SHOULD T4K3 4DV4NT4G3 OF 1T
CCG: FINE. WHATEVER. GET SOME REST, GET EVERYTHING SET UP, I DON’T CARE. WE’LL START PLANNING AT THE START OF THE NEXT SOLAR CYCLE.
CCG: THE HUMANS CAN FIND THEIR OWN DAMN ROOMS
CCG: NOW FUCK OFF
CCG closed memo.
Rose smiled dryly at Kanaya as the troll climbed onto her feet. Rose held out a hand that Kanaya gratefully accepted; a half-hearted tug helped her up the rest of the way. Rose took the time to study Kanaya now that her head was clear and she was able to think straight.
Kanaya was certainly exotic. She was almost human – but different enough never to be able to pass for one under any circumstance. It was rather amusing, Rose found, how similar their outfits were: primarily black with a scarf tied around the middle. Wait. Was that actually a scarf? It looked like one but the edges made it seem like it had been ripped from a larger swathe of cloth. Not particularly elegant, she had to admit, but the simple functionality combined with appreciable aesthetics of Kanaya’s outfit impressed Rose.
The ensemble was marred with liquids of varying sorts, however: the entire thing was splashed with what seemed to be two shades of purple, and the scarf slash waistband was marred with a massive jade-green stain. Splotches of teal, red, magenta and cerulean dotted the collar of her shirt. Rose hesitated yet could not stop herself from asking. The need for confirmation was burning.
TT: Is that blood?
GA: Yes Im Afraid So
GA: I Have Taken Two Lives In The Past Few Hours
GA: It Was Messy But Necessary
GA: I Apologize For Not Changing Into A New Outfit
Rose raised an eyebrow at Kanaya, who only shrugged.
TT: I’m certainly intrigued but I won’t ask about the details just yet.
TT: In any case, do you not have multiple outfits available within your sylladex? It would seem sensible.
Kanaya laughed and Rose couldn’t help but smile at the sound. It was a movie star’s laugh: light but dramatic, carefree but elegant.
GA: I Have Two But Unfortunately My Fetch Modus Is
GA: How Do I Put This
GA: Uncooperative At The Best Of Times
GA: It Is A Chastity Modus And I Must Find A Key To Unlock A Card Through Serendipity And As Yet I Have Not Discovered The Keys To Unlock The Cards
TT: I see.
GA: Its Fine There Are Plenty Of Ways To Create New Outfits At My Disposal But They All Take Some Time And That Is A Resource We Have Not Had Very Much Of
TT: No, I imagine you wouldn’t.
TT: In any case, I’m sure we can discuss our ridiculous inventories on our way to find a room for me. That is, if you’d care to join me in my search.
GA: Yes Rose I Would Love To In Fact I Have Something In Mind That Is Not Far From My Own That Is If You Would Not Object To Such An Arrangement
TT: It will be fine, I’m sure.
GA: Excellent I Will Lead The Way
It did not take long for the room to empty. Vriska and John left first, followed by Karkat with Jade and Aradia in tow. Terezi and Dave stayed behind to share a computer terminal. Rose counted herself fortunate to avoid Terezi’s attentions for the time being.
Rose went through the transportalizer first. Space lurched in a single instant; her sight distorted as she felt the universe shift to place her in a new position. It was an unpleasant reminder of her method of entry. Rose could not suppress a shudder of disgust as she stepped off the pad – and she groaned loudly as she saw herself surrounded by more, each marked with an alchemical zodiac symbol.
Kanaya appeared on the pad behind her with a pop of displaced air. Rose felt her hand on her shoulder. Kanaya’s black painted nails were the only part of her hands that were not glowing. The troll pointed at the pad marked with a green Virgo symbol identical to the one on Kanaya’s stained black shirt.
GA: That Pad Leads To The Area That Contains My Room
TT: Yes, I’d guessed as much. I must admit, using that particular method of transportation is highly unpleasant so soon after my previous ordeal. I wonder: are there stairs? Elevators, perhaps? I would settle for ladders.
GA: Sorry But I Dont Think There Are Any Other Ways To Get Around The Lab Though I Would Not Rule Out The Possibility
Rose sighed.
TT: Of course not.
She grimaced and closed her eyes as she stepped onto the pad. Space jerked and distorted once more. A wave of nausea swept over her as she stepped off the pad and staggered several steps to lean against the gray-tiled wall of the dark, narrow hallway. The world felt like it was spinning around her and it was all she could do to concentrate on suppressing the bile she felt trying to rise in her throat.
She heard another pop of displaced air behind her followed by Kanaya’s voice.
GA: Rose Are You Okay
TT: I’ll be fine, thank you. Just give me a moment.
GA: Yes Of Course Take As Much Time As You Need
Rose took a moment to collect herself before she straightened and gave Kanaya her best and most convincing insincere smile. She wiped sweat off her face and cleared her throat. God, I must look absolutely terrible.
TT: Lead the way.
GA: Very Well
GA: If It Is Any Consolation It Is Only A Matter Of Walking From This Point On
TT: Ah. I love good news.
Kanaya led Rose to a room that was, true to her word, not far from her own. The two rooms were separated by a lengthy hallway; Kanaya insisted that they were adjacent, but Rose did not believe her until she stepped into the cavernous research room that was to be hers. A massive vat, several times taller than Rose herself, dominated the central portion; it was filled with green fluid that bubbled and churned but seemed otherwise empty. Banks of strange equipment lined the walls, covered in levers and buttons and multiple readout screens. Colored lights blinked on the panels and meaningless numbers and lines flowed across each screen. It seemed like something out of a pulpy science fiction film. Rose was utterly charmed.
TT: Kanaya, this is ridiculous. How can I possibly use all this space?
GA: Well You Dont Really Need To
GA: Theres A Smaller Computer Room In The Back Of This One
TT: Ah.
TT: Is yours similar in size?
GA: Oh Yes
GA: It Is Not Quite The Same As This One But I Only Use The Smaller Room In The Back Of It
GA: As Far As I Am Aware Most Rooms Are Like This One
GA: There Are Dormitories But They Are Rather Cramped
TT: I see.
TT: I would imagine that I would have to procure bedding on my own.
GA: Yes Most Likely
GA: There Are Many Alchemiters Available In This Laboratory However So You May Wish To Use Those
TT: Excellent. Show me the way.
GA: Certainly
The velvet pillow, in hindsight, had been the best item she could have saved from her home. Enlarging it produced a duplicate, which was practical for sleep; mixing it with one of Kanaya’s swathes of fabric produced a blanket; mixing it with the blanket produced a mattress, which was lumpy but serviceable.
She made small duplicates for her cadre of familiars-cum-students she had surreptitiously carried over within her sylladex. The group was placed outside the door of the computer room she had claimed as her own and given strict instructions not to be a nuisance.
Rose considered the situation as she placed the bedding on a cleared workbench. Here she was, in a failed alien session, having become acquainted with an alien, about to sleep in a computer room in a laboratory that was also an asteroid, with a nearly omnipotent murderer searching for them out in the Medium. In addition, the trolls and the humans spoke completely different languages and one of them was a glowing alien vampire. Then again, Rose was a wizard with a pair of magic wands who currently commanded a posse of ridiculous reptilian and amphibian game constructs.
Ridiculous.
It had also been over twenty four grueling hours since she had last bathed. She’d have to ask Kanaya whether such facilities were available tomorrow. She could already begin to smell herself and the scent was not pleasant.
Yet, as she took off her dress in the chilly darkness and slid herself under the heavy blanket, all she could really think about was how fucking amazing it felt to be surrounded by velvet on all sides.