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Matteo has something awkward but incredibly endearing in his way of talking, of moving, of smiling that made it more or less impossible for Jonas not to befriend him, all those years ago.
He is a strange sort of creature, with long limbs, a pale face and a disastrous mop of hair, and Jonas still remembers with affection the child he was in fifth grade.
He was almost the same, had the same big eyes and wired grin, was only shorter and louder. Kleiner. With a mad laugh and a slow and calm but surprisingly sarcastic tone in his voice, especially for a ten year old.
The first time Jonas saw him, he was playing Mario Bros on a Nintendo, sitting with his bony shoulders slumped forwards at the side of the playground.
The other children were running around, playing catch, screaming because of the absolute joy that only an one hour pause between tedious school classes can create. Jonas interrupted his game of tag, which was getting boring, and decided, on a whim, to see what the kid in the enormous sweatshirt was doing.
Once they realised that they both owned the same version of Nintendo ds and that they both were stuck on the same level, it was, so to say, game over.
From the first time they played together, Jonas chose Mario and Matteo chose Luigi, and since Matteo told him then, not without a certain pride, that he was half italian, the name sort of stuck.
Over the years they became a team of two: without Mario there’s no Luigi, if you can’t find Jonas you won’t retrieve Matteo either. They were brothers, together through thick and thin, through all game levels and school grades.
*
It’s normal and expected that people grow with the passing of time: their bodies change, their voices get deeper, their faces become less chubby and their hair changes color.
Matteo grew sadder.
He sat still in the classes in which he used to tap his feet or play with his pen or bother Jonas by sticking stuff into his ears or drawing dicks in his textbooks.
He walked silently next to him when they went back home, not joking or making funny impressions of their schoolmates, just watching the street and half heartedly smiling at the memes Jonas showed him on his phone.
He didn’t eat much in the cafeteria and even stopped dramatically lamenting the lack of pasta in the school menu. He just stared at his plate with a far away expression, morosely moving the food around with his fork.
He slowly distanced himself from Jonas and from school, staying at home for days.
Initially, Jonas thought he might be ill, but after weeks of this happening, Matteo finally told him he had some problems with his mother.
Some time later, he specified: his mother didn’t just have problems with him, but, actually, with everything.
They had been sitting on a wall in a park, when Matteo told him that his mother had depression, enjoying the afternoon sun on their faces and the unrestrained freedom that came with friday and the beginning of the weekend.
Jonas didnt know what to say, so he didn’t say anything.
He just put an arm around his friend’s shoulders and let him lean his scruffy head on him. He didn’t say anything either when he felt Matteo shake with small, silent sobs. He just held him tighter.
*
Sometimes, Matteo reminded him of a little bird, with fragile bones and wispy feathers, a little thing he could cup in his hands. A little thing that could be crushed frightningly easy. A little thing that still needed protection.
Not that he would ever tell him that.
*
Matteo stayed over more and more often, avoiding home as much as he could.
His parents were fighting all the time, he told him one night, both of them sleeping in Jonas’ bed, exchanging secrets, their voices whispers, almost as if the things they said would not really be true, this way.
Jonas had seen Matteo’s parents lots of times when they were smaller.
His father was tall, with dark eyes, a cheerful smile and tan skin, as if he’d always just come back from the seaside. He had a warm voice, with a strong Italian accent that Matteo used to obnoxiously imitate to make Jonas laugh. He was an amazing cook.
His mother was kind and beautiful. She carried a gentleness with her that Jonas sometimes recognised in his friend’s quiet way of moving and in the soft and absent look in his eyes. She was always working in her garden, so that she often smelled like earth. She had freckles on her nose from staying outside, and a little silver cross around her neck that she used to touch when she laughed.
It was strange to think of these two people fighting. It didn’t fit.
In exchange, Jonas whispered a secret of his own into the night.
He told Matteo that he liked Hanna even though he was together with Leonie. Matteo stayed silent for a while, then he quietly agreed that yes, she was very beautiful and smart. So, Jonas asked him if he should do something about it.
When he received no answer he turned around and saw that his friend was already sleeping.
*
They are seventeen years old when Matteo calls him at half past two in the morning.
Jonas wakes up and ignores his phone’s ringing for a while, thinking it might be Hanna trying to call him again after he told her to stop, even if his chest hurts just thinking about her.
But, as it doesn’t cease its ringing, he starts to worry, so he fumbles on his nighstand, sees the name of the caller, and manages to press the right answer button.
His mind is still groggy with sleep when he hears his best friend tell him that his father has left. Definitely.
Matteo’s voice is quiet and distant. It’s the voice of someone that has given up.
He spends the next days with him, helping him with his mother, who’s disappeared into her room and hasn’t talked or eaten anything since that night.
Matteo himself is not quite here, either, though.
He keeps throwing his father’s stuff in boxes, pacing around the apartment with a joint in his mouth, filling the room with smoke, as if he could exorcise his father’s name away from him, away from his mother, out of here, towards some place where he could do no more harm.
He also keeps talking about normal stuff, like homework and that fucked up thing that happened between him and Hanna, and new videogames records.
His eyes dart around the room, unsettled.
Jonas lets him for a while, then he takes him by the arms, looks into his eyes and tells him to stop.
That’s when Matteo goes silent and breaks down, slowly sinking to the floor, his legs giving out beneath him. Jonas holds him again. He hugs him so tight he’s afraid he’s crushing his fragile bird-bones.
Then he opens all the windows and lets the smoke rise out.
*
Sara is his ex’s new best friend, a bubbly girl with blond hair who always seems to try a little too hard. She’s also the girl his best friend is dating, apparently.
When Jonas saw Matteo and Sara make out at the party, he was certainly surprised, as Matteo had shown absolutely no previous interest in Sara or really any romantic relationship before, but he was also proud of his friend; look there, he had said, elbowing Carlos, our little Luigi actually has moves!
(It’s probably either the inherent italian charm or that typical Matteo-ish charm that does it. It’s the mix of awkwardness, idiocy and surprising sweetness that had first drawn Jonas in, too)
He was happy for him, glad that he had found someone else to help him through the shitty parents situation.
He thought Sara could distract him, be another shoulder to cry on for him, someone to trust, to tell his fears to. He was relieved, at least at the beginning.
Now? Now he just wants this to end.
If possible, Matteo looks even more miserable than before he was together with Sara. Everytime she comes up to him and gives him a kiss, he looks uncomfortable. He pulls away when she puts her arms around him. He never talks about her nor does he seem to want to talk with her.
After all, he doesn’t seem to actually like being her boyfriend very much.
It’s all very strange.
Jonas worries, but he also trusts that his best friend will tell him what’s up when he feels ready to do so.
Jonas knows this is how Matteo usually goes unto something important: he thinks and thinks and thinks about the best way to say it, for an excessively long time, too scared to try earlier and, maybe, say it wrong.
*
It’s seems that time isn’t forgiving enough to wait for him now, though.
He has a break down, after days of absolute nothing, and screams at him, Abdi and Carlos to get out of his flat. Jonas has never heard him scream before, not even against his father.
He is completely beside himself, somebody that Jonas doesn’t recognise anymore. Someone distant and mean, someone who shouts, someone who’s lost.
But then, after a bit more time, he finally talks to him.
Jonas is not surprised but neither did he expect Matteo to be gay. He’s just glad that he knows why his friend looked so incredibly unhappy for so long.
He looks like someone took a weight from his chest now.
His little grins and sarcastic comments are coming back too. He seems to become himself again, a little older and a little wiser (as wise as an eighteen-year-old boy can be anyway) than he was before his parents split, but more like that version of him than he’s ever been during highschool.
He’s less distracted, more present. Time doesn’t seem to drag him along anymore, he doesn’t just let everything be as it is. He talks and actually says out loud what he thinks.
Jonas had almost forgotten how funny his best friend could be.
And while Jonas feels a little sad and guilty that he couldn’t help Matteo get better, he’s truly glad that somebody else managed to.
David.
When he tries out his name, it feels mysterious and impressive on his tongue. What kind of person would Matteo fall for? Someone mature and serious? Someone funny and a little crazy? Someone quiet like him or loud, like he used to be?
David turns out to be both serious and incredibly funny, both quiet but loud when the circumstances call for it.
He has an infectious grin and dark eyes that contain both a calmness and a wildness that he’d only ever seen in Matteo before.
They fit together like the two halves of Plato’s myth: once separated, a long, long time ago, they’ve found each other again.
Jonas doesn’t really believe in soulmates and in finding the one in highschool; they are all still so, so young, his and Hanna’s relationship taught him that.
(Even if he doesn’t really manage to move on from her, to get her out of his head. Even if he still feels like half of him is missing and his heart breaks a little every time he sees her. He reminds himself that this is unhealthy. His heart doesn’t seem to care.)
Still, he doesn’t believe in soulmates. He’s too rational for that. There’s thousands of people in the world and there can’t be only one single person who’s perfect for you.
And yet, David and Matteo look just like that: soulmates.
They always touch each other in some small way, either holding hands or just touching fingertips, holding one arm loosely around the other’s shoulders or waist, leaning on the other. They catch each other’s eyes when they’re all together, and seem to communicate without using words. They seem to understand each other wholly, completely.
Jonas would be lying if he said that he doesn’t feel a little left out.
Matteo used to be like this with him; they were best friends, almost twins, two sides of the same coin. Matteo was a part of him, just like another limb.
But time changes all things and maybe this is for the better: it’s not JonasandMatteo anymore, not Jonas and his doppelgänger. It’s Jonas and Matteo, separate beings with separate lives.
So he doesn’t feel jealous per se of David, because he knows that what they have is a different sort of love and both Matteo and Jonas needed to become their own person. Also, David’s an awesome guy. Jonas could never feel anything but deep kinship and respect towards him.
So it’s not jealousy.
He just...feels a little lonely.
(He misses Hanna. So much)
*
“He is such a dick,” Matteo tells him, leaning into his side, after they meet Stefan for the first time.
David nodds next to them, a derisive expression into his eyes as he looks over where the guy in question seems to be talking about his many job opportunities to a terrified looking Abdi.
The guy is a dick, but it’s nice to hear a confirmation from somebody who isn’t Hanna’s ex.
Jonas doesn’t want to be in the way or to be creepy, he knows Hanna is free to be with whomever she wants and it is not his business, but he is bothered by Stefan anyway, as much as he tries not to be.
He promises himself to stay away.
*
Stefan will not leave him alone.
The guy keeps trying to form a connection with him, god knows why. And everytime Hanna brings him along to parties, he tries to get into a conversation with him.
When Jonas told Matteo that Stefan kept texting him, his best friend had burst out laughing.
But now, as Stefan approaches him again with a drink in his hands and a smile that Jonas does not trust at all, Matteo smoothly interferes, taking Jonas by the elbow and dragging him away.
“What’s the deal with that dude?”, he asks, grinning, though looking perplexed.
Jonas shakes his head and downs his beer. “Well, don’t worry, bro,” Matteo guides him to a sofa where David is sitting, distractedly scrolling through his phone.
He smiles at them as they sit down and Matteo clinks his beer bottle with Jonas’, “We’re going to protect you tonight.”
David puts his phone away, “Protect you from what, exactly?”
“Hanna’s creepy boyfriend.”
David grimaces and pats Jonas’ shoulder, “Ah, Stefan. Definitely, my friend. He won’t even get to be in a five meters radius from you.”
Matteo leans back, “The menace will think you’ll have left the party alltogether.”
Jonas sighs. Then he gives them a small smile.
*
Months pass and after a while Hanna too seems to see what an actual asshole Stefan is. She breaks up with him and everyone secretly cheers.
Matteo even plans a little get together for the boys as a celebration. Jonas calls him an idiot, but as he stands on the balcony, buzzed with alcohol and listening to his friends’ hollering inside, he looks at the dark sky and makes a wish.
Some time later, during a party, he and Hanna somehow end up trapped in the kitchen, just the two of them, alone.
They talk all night long.
Hanna says she misses him, too.
Jonas feels his chest fill with affection and love and the corner that always weighed him down with melancholy and resignation actually feels hopeful, after so long.
In the morning, someone remembers them and they hear the click of the door opening. They ignore it and keep talking.
When they finally emerge, having smelled coffee and breakfast, they decide to do so holding hands. It’s a promise to each other.
When their friends see them, they erupt in cheers and exhaggerated applause.
Sam actually wolf whistles, Amira gives them a thumbs up, Carlos and Abdi make fake kissy faces and noises at each other and Matteo feigns to swoon into David’s arms.
Afterwards, Matteo comes up to them alone and gives Hanna a high five. Jonas looks at his grinning face and knows with absolute clarity that them being trapped in the kitchen wasn’t an accident.
He puts an arm around Hanna, who presses a quick, chaste kiss to his cheek, and the other around Matteo, who awws at them and pinches his other cheek.
Jonas could burst with affection.
*
They’ve been together for two months. Jonas is just finishing cooking, Hanna is sitting at the table reading an article out loud, when they hear the door bell ring.
Hanna stops reading and looks at him, he shrugs, they don’t expect anyone tonight.
She goes up to open the door, Jonas puts the pan on the table and wipes his hands on a towel, trying to hear who it could be.
He just hears hushed voices.
Hanna comes in again, holding Matteo under her arm.
Matteo looks...devastated. He keeps his eyes down and he keeps fiddling with the hem of his sweatshirt.
Jonas puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, “Hey, what happened, brudi?”
Matteo lets himself fall in a chair, Hanna takes out another plate and puts it before him, he gives her a little, strained smile.
“David and I fought...I don’t even remember what it was about, something small and ...fucking stupid.” He sighs and pushes his hair away from his forehead.
Jonas sits down next to him, Hanna on the other side. They exchange a worried look.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks, gently.
Matteo starts shaking his head, then he huffs. “I just...It’s my fault, I’m worried I’m not good enough for him and soon he’ll notice. If something so stupid can make him leave, even after I told him not to do it, then what if I’ll do something even more stupid?”
He presses his hands into his eyes, but Jonas manages to see tears prickling in them anyway.
“Why am I like this?” he mumbles.
Jonas feels his heart break.
He presses his lips together and puts his hands on his best friend’s shoulders, “Matteo. You are not stupid or wrong, David loves you. It’s completely normal to have fights when you’re together with someone.”
He and Hanna exchange another look and she smiles, “Yes, trust us on this. But you will get over it. Because you both care, it’s obvious.”
She leans in, “And he will come back, as he always does. He just needs time.”
Jonas nodds, Matteo is still looking down. “And if you feel like he shouldn’t leave when you fight, then tell him so, again.”
Matteo looks up, finally, and a bitter smile is on his face, “And I maybe shouldn’t be doing the same thing, huh?”
Jonas smiles back at him and ruffles his hair, “No, Luigi, but you’re always welcome here.”
Hanna looks at them both, then she decisively takes the lid off the pan and brandishes a spoon.
She grins, “Now. Let’s eat!”
*
As Matteo gets home again, he hugs him at the door and tells him thank you.
Jonas presses a kiss on his forehead, “Of course, kleiner.”
He shoves him out of the door, “Now go get your man.”
Matteo facepalms but Jonas hears him laugh a little as he goes down the stairs.
*
In the morning, Jonas likes to go running.
It makes him feel like a real person, ready to meet the day upfront. It makes him feel like there’s more life in him than he believes sometimes.
He kisses Hanna’s hair and gets up. She just mumbles a soft good morning and hides back into the covers.
As he goes outside, the light is clear, the air fresh and there’s almost no sounds, the city is still quietly waking up.
He starts running and with the movement he feels his heart beat faster, a constant reminder of how much he’s present, of how much he could do.
He thinks about the future and the social centre he’s working at and he feels at peace, not completely satisfied, because there’s so much to do still and so many things he cannot do anything about, but it calms him to think that he is doing something.
That he isn’t ignoring the world’s problems. That he’s acting. It makes him feel like there’s actually a point to all this.
He stops to gain breath and take a drink of his water bottle.
He’s reached the Tiergarten park, so he’s not surprised to see many other people running, but he’s surprised when he sees David’s familiar figure jogging towards him.
Jonas rises his hand, “Ey, dude!”, David sees him, grins and takes his earphones out.
They knock their fists together and sit down on a bench for a moment, both of them still breathing heavily.
David passes a hand over his sweaty forehead, “I didn’t know you run as well?”
Jonas shrugs, “It’s kind of a new thing actually, I also tried out swimming and yoga, but this makes me feel the best, I think.”
David nodds, “It grounds you.”
He twists the earphones around his fingers, “If you think you’ll pick it up we could meet each other and run together in the morning, if you want?”
Jonas smiles, “That sounds great, the company would be nice! Did you also try with Matteo?”
David looks at him. They both snort.
They sit for a moment in silence, enjoying the sun on their faces. “Shall we go again?” David asks, getting up.
Jonas takes his arm, “Yeah, just. Can I talk to you for a moment about something?”
David sits back down again, “Of course.”
“This is probably a conversation that should have happened much sooner and by this point it’s probably unnecessary but, well.“ Jonas stops, uncertain how to continue.
David gives him a small smile and rises his eyebrows, “Is this the best friend talk?”
Jonas smiles back at him, “I guess so. Just...Matteo is a very sensitive person. He..takes a lot of stuff personal and he doesn’t take it well.” He shakes his head, “I mean you are incredibly good for him and I am really glad he found you, just. Just be careful with him?”
As he looks into David’s eyes, those serious and wild eyes, he feels like this is a completely unnecessary talk. There’s a sureness in that look that doesn’t really leave any doubts about David’s intentions.
“I would never, never, voluntarily hurt Matteo, Jonas. I...I am a person as well and sometimes I do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing but. But I care about him so much-“ his voice actually breaks a little and he laughs at himself, embarassed, “I...I love him.” He looks at Jonas, “You don’t need to worry about that. But you’re a good friend, looking out for him.”
Jonas smiles, something in his chest blooms with pride.
David sticks out his fist again, but Jonas swiftly hugs him. “Sorry, I know we’re both sweaty, but the situation sort of called for this right now and I’m a very tactile guy”, Jonas says.
David laughs.
*
Every morning Jonas and David meet each other and run through the Tiergarten for one hour.
When they are not too tired they chat about all sort of things. It’s nice.
One day he gets a text from Matteo: “ so it is your fault that my boyfriend stinks of sweat in the morning. fuck u”
*
Somehow, another year has passed.
In this same year, Matteo fell in love and David came into their little group. They graduated. Hanna dated Stefan and broke up with him and got back together with Jonas. Mia went to Madrid, Amira to Australia. Many of them started going to uni, many didn’t.
Many things changed, many didn’t.
It’s Christmas, they are all at the WG, celebrating together.
Mia has come home for the holidays from Madrid, she’s singing “All I want for christmas is you” with the other girls, one arm around Amira, who’s come back from Australia and has brought Mohammed with her to the party, the other around Hanna.
Hanna is smiling and her eyes are gleaming. She looks goofy and beautiful with the reindeer antlers on her head that she proudly brought home at the beginning of december. They sparkle and even light up in different colours and Jonas got a bit tired of seeing her wearing them everywhere (and he means everywhere) for a month, but they make her happy and he admits that he probably will miss them a little too when Christmas is over.
She looks over at him and sticks her tongue out. He grins and makes a grimace back at her. She gives him the middle finger.
It’s good with her. Really good.
Somebody puts a Santa hat on his head. Matteo emerges from behind his shoulder, equipped with elf ears and elf hat.
Behind him, Jonas makes out David and Carlos: they seem to be trying to put a hideous red Rudolf nose on Abdi, who’s trying to run away, and failing.
“Na, Nikolaus?” Matteo lets himself fall on the sofa next to him, putting his feet up on the coffee table.
Jonas tips his hat, “Thanks for this, I guess.”
Matteo shrugs, “Somebody has to keep the Christmas spirit alive and well and Hanna couldn’t buy them for everyone.”
They sit for a moment like this, watching their friends decorate the apartment and exchanging baked goods. Even their bad singing makes Jonas feel at home.
He looks over at Matteo, he seems content as well, his face relaxed, a small smile on his lips.
“Want to go for a celebratory smoke?” Jonas asks, suddendly overcome by the wish to have his best friend for himself for a bit.
Matteo grins and puts his bottle down, “When will I ever turn down a smoke, my friend?”
They go to the balcony, their friends’ sounds now muffled. There’s lights dangling from the railing and, quite unexpectedly, a little smiling Santa Claus statue that’s only wearing a pair of pink panties.
At Jonas’ look Matteo shrugs, “Hans.” Is the only explanation he offers.
They lean their elbows on the handrail, passing the joint back and forth. Watching the smoke rise up in the air.
They’re almost nineteen, right now, and the world expects them to be adults.
There’s something scary in looking life in the eyes like this. There’s also something amazing in it.
“Thank you,” Matteo says.
Jonas looks at him, Matteo is looking up to the dark lit sky of Berlin. “Thank you for everything. For being there for me.”
He bites his lips, “All these years I could always count on you, I hope you know that I‘m there for you too, if you need me.”
Jonas is horrified to find out that he’s tearing up.
He passes a hand over his eyes and puts an arm over Matteo. “Bruder...I know you are there for me. And, know this, I will always be there for you, okay? Always. Till we’re wrinkly and grumpy old men that no one will want to talk to.”
Matteo laughs and his eyes look a little wet, too. “What the fuck was in that weed, dude? This is getting too emotional.”
Jonas puts the finished joint away, “Nah,” he throws his arms around Matteo and squeezes the shit out of him, “This is too emotional.”
And as Matteo shouts that he’s being throttled to death by his best friend on Christmas night, Jonas thinks that it’s almost like old times, before highschool, when it was just the two of them, part of the same coin, part of the same being.
Then he hears their friends come to the rescue and he thinks about Hanna and he thinks about David and about the apartment full of people he cares about and about the whole wide world that looks to them and asks, challenging, and what have you got?
And he thinks, no.
This is even better.