Work Text:
So you’re new to Earth?
A G1 Cartoon-compatible script in which Starscream engineers a plan to infiltrate the Autobots that, you guessed it! Inevitably fails.
Characters:
Narrator (the narrator)
AUTOBOTS
‘Optimus Prime’ (significant role)
Bumblebee (significant role)
Jazz (moderate role)
Ironhide (moderate role)
Wheeljack (minor role)
Grimlock (very minor role)
DECEPTICONS
Starscream (significant role)
Soundwave (moderate role)
Shockwave (minor role)
Megatron (minor role)
Narrator: We begin in Shockwave’s tower on Cybertron, before any intergalactic, planet-devouring gods arrive to ruin the mood. By the human calendar, it is January 2nd of the year 2000.
Shockwave: Guardian’s Log, star-date 92684, entry number four million and….six. The humans continue to celebrate a successful passage into what they call ‘Y2k.’ Unfortunately, this means that Megatron’s plan to cause a catastrophic shut down in all of Earth’s computers appears to have failed, but I have decided not to make additional inquiries. He can be sensitive about these things.
Of more urgent note, I have intercepted a transmission from the far reaches of space. The Ark's sister ship has finally reconnected with the Autobots, meaning Ultra Magnus and his crew are on their way to Earth. Where they were hiding or why no one has mentioned them up until now remains a mystery, but I am sure they will, in no way, replace the Autobots that we are familiar with fighting. Still, the influx of enemies on the human homeworld will undoubtedly cause setbacks in our energon collection schedule, so I have sent a message to Megatron to warn him.
--
Narrator: Deep beneath the Earth’s ocean, in the Decepticons’ communications room.
Starscream: What’s this? A priority transmission from Shockwave that isn’t about his repair schedule? I sure hope that it wasn’t intended for anyone important. After all, what a shame it would be if it was accidentally erased by an errant slip of this very finger…
Narrator: Starscream’s finger slips. Accidentally.
Starscream: What a tragedy! Now Megatron will have no idea about these new, naïve Autobots who are coming here to Earth. This means if I can come up with a plan to capture the Autobots before then, the other Decepticons will have to acknowledge me, Starscream, as their supreme leader!
Narrator: Starscream paces while he comes up with a plan.
Starscream: I know! I shall make an orientation pamphlet that is filled with information—and misinformation—about how to behave on Earth. I can then transmit it directly to the new Autobots, and when they do what it says…I will capture them!
I just need a disguise that can get me into the Ark…and I need to record a very notable Autobot reading from my brochure like they’re endorsing it. They will entice their own brethren into my clutches! Everyone will think I’m brilliant, even the ones I just tricked, if I could only locate…the perfect--Aaaaaaaaah! (Something like a startled scream.) Soundwave…how long have you been there?
Soundwave: Long enough.
Starscream: You’re going to tell Megatron about this, are you?
Soundwave: Correct.
Starscream: (Miserably) But it’s such a good plan, Soundwave. It could work! And if we do it together, then it won’t put Megatron in danger at all. It…it could be just the two of us.
Soundwave: Negative. Itinerary: Clean Ravage’s litter box. Procure illegal access to NFL match for Blitzwing. Read final chapters of ‘Princess Bride’ to Rumble and Frenzy
Starscream: Soundwave, you fool! Think of the possibilities! We could crush the Autobots together!
Soundwave: Agreement…on condition, only. Soundwave must not be abandoned when Designation: Starscream’s plan inevitably fails. Again.
Starscream: Oh, that’s not even a worry. My plan can’t possibly fail!
Soundwave: Needed: appropriate disguise.
Narrator: Starscream looks at Soundwave.
Starscream: I….suppose I have to give that one to you.
Soundwave: Check storage unit, designation D84.
Narrator: Starscream opens the storage unit behind him.
Starscream: Is…this…what I think it is? It’s that old Optimus Prime suit that we used to fool the humans into thinking that the Autobots were evil. It’s in perfect condition! Help me put this on, Soundwave, and we can go.
Soundwave: Will previously-stated conditions be met?
Starscream: So long as my fingers aren't crossed…
Narrator: Which, of course, they are - a feat that is impressive while he is holding the Optimus suit.
Starscream: Then we have a deal.
Narrator: Somehow, Soundwave believes this…or possibly, as Starscream said, he has nothing better to do. Regardless, the two of them seal their bargain and finalize Starscream’s plans…
Their next stop? The Ark.
There, Starscream—dressed as Optimus Prime—walks into the main bridge, where Bumblebee can be seen rummaging through a compartment in one of the rocky corners of the room.
Optimus Prime: Bumblebee. Perfect. Since you are a very notable Autobot, I’d like to talk to you about something important. Are you busy?
Bumblebee: No, I’m just packing up to go to Moonbase Two with Spike. I know Cybertron is not as far away from Earth as it used to be, but I still wanted to bring some mementos along with me for good luck.
Optimus Prime: I see. What's that you have in your hand?
Bumblebee: It's called a CD-player. It makes music just like a tape player, only the songs are crystal clear!
Optimus Prime: Like Blaster?
Bumblebee: Exactly. Only, you can skip the tracks you don’t want to hear, so…not actually like Blaster at all.
Optimus Prime: Speaking of things that aren’t like Blaster, I found this boom-box on my way into the Ark. I’m just going to innocently leave it here while we’re talking.
Bumblebee: Uh, Optimus? I'm pretty sure that’s Soundwave.
Starscream: (Slipping out of his Optimus persona) Nonsense, I know what Soundwave looks like, I am the mighty Star….
Optimus Prime: (catching his slip-up) ….star…t…of most top ten favorite Autobot lists: Optimus Prime.
Bumblebee: Well, that didn’t sound suspicious at all. What do you need?
Optimus Prime: As it happens, I was looking for an expert on Earth culture and you're the first gullible face--I mean, friendly face--that I saw.
Bumblebee: (cheerfully:) I am friendly. How can I help?
Optimus Prime: I’m glad you asked. Since I noticed that Autobot City is almost finished...I have written a primer for the new Autobots who will be arriving soon.
Bumblebee: That’s a great idea. Can I see it?
Narrator: Optimus produces a data pad and hands it to Bumblebee.
Optimus Prime: Since you’re so well-known among the Autobots, I was hoping you would help me make a welcome tape.
Bumblebee: I’d be happy to! Looks like it’s called: 'So you're new to Earth...?' Okay, let me read through this a bit. Let’s see. ‘How not to panic when water starts falling from the sky.’ Good tip. ‘Traffic signals and stop signs…not just for the other sucker,’ right. ‘What to do and what not to do on your first day…’ Do…Do. Don’t…Don’t. (He reads a few ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ under his breath, pausing on one) Who would start a hip music club to hypnotize humans?
Optimus Prime: No one in particular.
Bumblebee: Oh, sorry Prime. I mean, I like where you’re going with this, but some of these seem oddly specific.
Optimus Prime: Such as?
Bumblebee: ‘Do not install convict sparks into rebuilt combat units.’
Optimus Prime: Who would know not to try that?
Bumblebee: I...would think…everybody? But even so, what about the rest of these? ‘How to construct your first deadly highway maze?’ ‘Energon and Trains: I think, therefore I can?’ Or...’The untold lies of public car washes?’ What is it they’re lying about?
Optimus Prime: They continually advertise for a ‘jet wash,’ but there are never any jets when I go.
Bumblebee: I think that’s because most jets are Decepticons.
Ironhide: (Joining in) Who is getting washed by Decepticons?
Bumblebee: Nobody, Ironhide.
Starscream: (Grumbling to himself) That is the problem.
Bumblebee: Optimus and I are just working on a list of pointers for all the new Autobots coming to Earth.
Ironhide: Oh, let me help! I know dozens a ways to kick the old Decepticon can.
Bumblebee: Sure, Ironide, go right ahead. How would you kick them?
Ironhide: With my legs. How else do y’kick something?
Optimus Prime: You can’t kick something that is flying.
Ironhide: Sure you can, you just kick it with your fist. Unless it’s Laserbeak.
Bumblebee: Why, is he too hard to hit?
Ironhide: Nah, he just tends to bite any fingers that get close to him.
Bumblebee: Alright. I guess we could add ‘Do not pet Laserbeak' onto the list. It can go right after…uh…let’s see where there is space. How about after ‘Don’t tell anyone about your secret plans to take over the Decepticons?’
Ironhide: Is that actually on there? Who on Earth would be trying to take over the Decepticons?
Bumblebee: You mean besides Starscream?
Ironhide: Heh, maybe Starscream should’ve read this manual.
Bumblebee: Right? He could have written this manual.
Jazz: Hey, we talkin’ about Starscream?
Ironhide: No, Jazz…we’re just writin’ down good advice for the new recruits that’re comin’ to Earth.
Jazz: What, like ‘Don’t bring strange boom boxes into the Ark?’
Narrator: Bumblebee eyes the blue tape player, which appears to have a red ‘record’ diode on it that has been glowing for an indeterminate length of time.
Bumblebee: Exactly like that, Jazz.
Ironhide: What about: ‘Don’t feed the Insecticons.’ Little devils might look cute sometimes but they multiply like…well. What’s something that multiplies fast?
Bumblebee: Perceptor?
Ironhide: Good answer, Bee. Think he can add anything?
Jazz: I think he can add everything, Ironhide. Even this dish the humans like to call ‘pie.’ Though…he’s been focused on calculating the trajectory of Cybertron, lately, so we can get you to Moonbase Two.
Bumblebee: Oh yeah? Where is Cybertron these days?
Jazz: Somewhere between here and the distance Skyfire can fly on a single tank. Bet the Cons wish it were closer, though.
Ironhide: Then let’s put put ‘Do not bring Cybertron into Earth’s orbit’ on the list before anyone gets any bright ideas.
Bumblebee: I’m amazed that it needs to be a rule, but…since its already been broken at least once, on it goes!
Optimus Prime: I also forgot to add ‘Don’t surf on jets.’
Ironhide: Oh, no, you can’t add that!
Jazz: Yeah, Jet Judo’s an official martial art, now! Sunstreaker and Sideswipe have endorsements and merchandise and students. Just don’t ask me how they practice it.
Ironhide: Didn’t one of the aerialbots lose a bet?
Jazz: Oh yeah! Slingshot was supposed to sneak into Decepticon headquarters and get a picture of that ‘fake Optimus’ Suit that Megatron used to have.
Ironhide: That thing is trouble!
Bumblebee: Did he find it?
Jazz: No idea.
Bumblebee: That…isn’t…ominous at all. Should I add…‘Don’t be fooled by Megatron’s fake Optimus suit’ to the list, then?
Optimus: (nervous) We can add that later.
Wheeljack: Can you add ‘Do not build robot dinosaurs’ on now? Or maybe add it 16 years ago?
Narrator: The sound of a mechanical dinosaur roar echoes through the Ark.
Grimlock: Rar.
Wheeljack: Tell you what, I’ll build a time bridge and send your list back to 1984 so that it clobbers whoever said ‘Robot Dinosaurs might be useful.’
Bumblebee: Couldn’t that tear a hole in the fabric of reality?
Wheeljack: It’s worth the risk! (muttering:) We’re going to have Teletraan-one hundred soon if I have to keep re-building the thing!
Narrator: Wheeljack starts running as they all hear the roar a second time.
Grimlock: Rar.
Wheeljack: Oh no, not my pristine collection of collectible wrenches! That one was mint in box, Grimlock!
Ironhide: Aww, not again. I’d better go get the tranquilizer.
Grimlock: (distantly) Me Grimlock no want to take nap! Me Grimlock want watch more little ponies!
Narrator: As if heading into a war-zone, Ironhide follows after Wheeljack.
Bumblebee: Well, that was completely normal.
Optimus Prime and Jazz: It was?
Bumblebee: For a Tuesday.
Optimus Prime: I think that’s enough of the ‘do’s and don’ts’ for now, anyway.
Bumblebee: Then let’s take a look at something else. How about this? ‘Choosing a human pet—’ Oh, wait, pet is crossed out. ‘Choosing a human companion.’
Optimus Prime: That is an important topic.
Jazz: But it’s blank, Prime! There’s nothing written.
Optimus Prime: Humans are not my area of expertise. I’m afraid there’s no one better at making friends than Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: (Repeating his line from earlier, but more tired-sounding:) I am friendly. Okay, Optimus. What do you want me to say?
Narrator: Optimus Prime pats the blue tape player.
Optimus Prime: Say whatever it is you say that gets humans to do what you want them to.
Bumblebee: Well…most of the time, I just ask them nicely.
Optimus Prime: That’s it?
Bumblebee: Seems like it.
Optimus Prime: And that works?
Starscream: (speaking aside) This is brilliant. Megatron would never think of being nice.
Optimus Prime: What other tips do you have?
Bumblebee: Well, you shouldn’t transform with a human inside you. Or take them where there isn’t oxygen. It’s also not a good idea to play catch with humans.
Optimus Prime: In what wa—
Bumblebee: Don’t use the human as the ball. Also, don’t ask questions about their physiology unless you really want to know. That’s how you end up with nightmares about the skin on their teeth.
Optimus Prime: They have skin on their teeth?
Bumblebee: I said don’t ask!
Jazz: Hey, I don’t mean to stop the cultural exchange, but how long has Soundwave been recording us?
Optimus Prime: That isn’t Soundwave. It’s just a…black repaint of Blaster.
Bumblebee: A black repaint…that is blue?
Optimus Prime: Blue is the new black.
Jazz: But there's an actual black tape inside, Prime. It even has 'Ravage' written on it.
Bumblebee: In permanent marker.
Optimus Prime: What? Why would…
Starscream: (Aside) Soundwave, can't you tell your own cassettes apart?
Soundwave: No.
Starscream: Why not? Don’t your optics process color?
Soundwave: Negative.
Starscream: What? Really? That’s…terrible.
Soundwave: I manage.
Starscream: But you are ruining my cover!
Soundwave: Sorry, Motormaster.
Starscream: I am not Motormaster I am supposed to be Optimu--you know what, nevermind--
Optimus Prime: Everything is fine.
Bumblebee: Um... Okay. Look, are you sure you aren’t Starscream wearing that Optimus suit?
Optimus Prime. Of course not. Why would Starscream write a primer to help Autobots adjust to Earth?
Bumblebee: That’s what I have been trying to figure out.
Optimus Prime: I’m sure if you just keep reading, everything will make perfect sense.
Bumblebee: Starting with…
Optimus Prime: ‘Finally.’
Bumblebee: Okay. Right. ‘Finally, on Earth the Autobot and Decepticon war is over. We're...friends now?’ (confused) When did this happen?
Optimus Prime: Yesterday, while you were watching CD’s with Spike.
Bumblebee: But I wasn’t-- You can’t--
Optimus Prime: Just keep reading!
Bumblebee: Fine. (Reading onward:) ‘If you see a Decepticon, don't shoot them. Instead you should transform and offer both wrists, stasis-cuff-width apart in the Universal symbol of peace, and state... (trails off, mumbling: Weep Pong Na Na Dry Tilly Jong...) But I thought the Universal greeting was Bah Weep Grahna Weep Ninny Bong?
Optimus Prime: What? No! That translates to ‘attack me once I'm out of energon goodies.’ Never say that. You should instead say: Weep Pong Na Na Dry Tilly Jong.
Bumblebee: (Unimpressed) You know I’ve studied Universal, don’t you? If you carry the ‘illy’ and conjugate the ‘Dry,’ that whole phrase means... (translating) "I... Offer.. This gift… To the brilliantly smart and stunningly handsome Starscream?"
Optimus Prime: No. No, it doesn't mean that at all, the punctuation is totally different.
Narrator: Bumblebee starts to open his mouth to retort, when a burst of static comes through on Starscream’s radio…
Megatron: Starscream! Starscream, where is my Optimus suit?
Starscream: Not now, Megatron!
Megatron: Where are you, Starscream? I can’t hear what you’re saying, the reception is terrible…
Starscream: I'm out of the base right now and this is important! I’ll call you back later...
Megatron: Nevermind that, I'll just activate the self destruct button. I can always find the suit if I listen for the countdown beeps...
Narrator: The Optimus suit starts beeping, with Starscream still inside of it.
Starscream: (Losing the Optimus voice, panicked:) Okay that's enough suggestions, perfect job, it was nice knowing all of you...
Narrator: Starscream removes the head of the Optimus Prime suit and hands it to Bumblebee, running towards the entrance of the Ark, divesting himself of arms and torso pieces as he goes. Bumblebee and Jazz look down at the helmet, which is still beeping.
Bumblebee: Jazz, what do I do?
Jazz: I’d say ask Optimus, but…
Narrator: But Optimus was just a head.
Abandoned by Starscream despite his cross-fingered promise, Soundwave must now take matters into his own hands. With a heavy mechanical sigh he transforms out of boom-box mode, takes the head away from the stunned Bumblebee, and switches off the self destruct mechanism.
Bumblebee: Uh, thanks?
Soundwave: You're welcome, Cliffjumper.
Bumblebee: Uhh...
Soundwave: Suggestion: speak of this to no one.
Bumblebee: Uhh... Yeah. I don't think I want anyone to believe this.
Jazz: You aren't going to actually use any of that recording, are you?
Soundwave: Only one part...
Narrator: Soundwave leaves slowly on foot, picking up the trail of Optimus pieces as he goes.
---
Narrator: Back at Decepticon base, deep beneath the ocean waves, Megatron can be heard giving a hearty, evil laugh. Light spills out from underneath a doorway into a dark hallway, heralding the nefarious deeds which must be happening within…
Megatron: Yes, yes! My domination of this painting is nearly complete! What do you think of it, Shockwave?
Narrator: Watching from a communications monitor, Shockwave leans in to get a closer look at Megatron’s canvas.
Shockwave: Optimus Prime appears to be missing his head, my liege.
Megatron: Yes... it was like that on the model.
Narrator: Megatron peers around his painting to double-check the re-assembled Optimus Prime suit, completely intact except for that glaring flaw.
Megatron: I chose to interpret it as an allusion made literal, representing how the Autobots obey their leader without thinking…resulting in the inevitable outcome wherein losing Optimus Prime causes the whole operation to fall apart.
Shockwave: I see you are getting in touch with the political machinations behind great art.
Megatron: Yes…. Also, it means I can paint a follow-up picture in which I am seen using his head as a basketball, and making one glorious 'small duck.'
Shockwave: I believe it is a ‘slam dunk,’ sire.
Megatron: That sounds much more vicious. Smashing while drowning, delightful! I shall have to attend some basketball games. Where is the head of Optimus Prime, anyway?
--
Narrator: In another room of the ship, countdown beeps are heard growing louder as Soundwave approaches a miserable-looking Starscream.
Narrator: Beep. Beep. Beep. (continue beeping softly)
Starscream: Soundwave... You survived! I didn't mean to leave you, but I was...allergic...to all the human fur on the Autobot ship. Did you manage to process any of the recordings I asked for?
Narrator: Soundwave pushes his triangular ‘play’ button, reproducing the voice of Bumblebee from earlier…
Bumblebee: But I thought the universal greeting was Bah Weep Grahna Weep Ninny Bong?
Starscream: At least that is one thing that went right today. I’m sure that I could capture more Autobots than Megatron once they read my Welcome Guide, with the actual Bumblebee endorsing it! The plan isn’t a complete failure yet, Soundwave… I just wish that I could get that beeping out of my processor...
Narrator: Beep. Beep. Beep. (The beeping continues)
Starscream: Wait a moment…you don’t still have the head, do you?
Narrator: Soundwave produces the item in question. He sets it down on the table by Starscream, and turns to go.
Bumblebee: I... Offer.. This gift... To the brilliantly smart and stunningly handsome Starscream.
Starscream: Wait, no…take it back! I don’t know how to turn it off!
Soundwave: Condition: Promise required. Soundwave must not be abandoned…
Starscream: But…but the plan isn’t over. We have Autobots to catch! I can make it up to you! I could… help you with your chores! I’m good with a litter scoop, and I know lots of Princess Brides!
Narrator: The door closes behind Soundwave as the beeping stops. It’s quiet. Exactly as quiet as Starscream doesn’t want it to be. Starscream looks at the head, and gives a final, resigned sigh.
Starscream: Oh, frag…
Narrator: There is an explosion. It rocks the Nemesis, causing one of Megatron’s paint-brushes to fall off of his easel. Although Starscream will undoubtedly survive and will also undoubtedly fail to learn any sort of lesson from the encounter, Soundwave nevertheless feels considerably more satisfied that evening as he completes his ‘to do’ list, checking off the final item he had added for the day: ‘Get Revenge on Starscream.’
--
Narrator: As for the Autobots….
It’s late at night when the real Optimus Prime returns to the Ark, rolling in with his trailer and storing it safely. Bumblebee is still up, his carrying case almost full of mementos that he intends to take with him to Moonbase Two.
Optimus Prime: I didn’t expect to see you working this late, Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: Oh, you scared me, Optimus! Is it actually you this time?
Optimus Prime: I’m going to go with ‘yes.’
Bumblebee: Sorry, it’s just been a long day. I’m almost finished packing, though.
Optimus Prime: Taking along some reminders of your time on Earth?
Bumblebee: I am. Today got me reminiscing about the things that we’ve all been through together, and…as crazy a ride as it’s been? I think I’m really going to miss it.
Optimus Prime: What’s that data pad on top? I don’t recognize it from any of your adventures.
Bumblebee: Oh, this? It’s just a list of suggestions to help out the new Autobots after I’m gone.
Narrator: Optimus takes the pad that Bumblebee extends towards him, and reads the title out loud…
Optimus Prime: ‘So you’re new to Earth…’
Bumblebee: Jazz and I got the whole gang to contribute. Even Grapple and Hoist have a small section about not trusting Constructicons. They said it wasn’t as obvious a tip as it seemed.
Optimus Prime: They’re right. The name is misleading.
Bumblebee: It is. Maybe we should start calling them ‘Desctructicons’?
Optimus Prime: I’ll have Prowl write a memo. This Welcome Guide is a very good idea regardless, Bumblebee. How did you come up with it?
Bumblebee: Let’s just say…I got my inspiration from a falling star. And. By that, I mean Starscream.
Optimus Prime: That does explain the tip about knife insertion points on Megatron’s backside.
Bumblebee: Yeah, there’s even a diagram. That really should have given him away. Still…he put a lot of work into this…think we ought to give him credit?
Optimus Prime: I can’t think of anything that would upset Megatron more.
Bumblebee: Me either, Optimus. Me either.
(The end.)