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A/N: Hello, people!
I don't own Good Omens.
I have no beta.
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It was a sunny day when Aziraphael popped on over to Crowley's flat with an announcement that Crowley hadn't ever expected to hear from him. The angel was obviously excited about it too. "Warlock and Adam's birthday is next week and we should go visit them."
Crowley, who had been in the middle of a stern amount of intimidation involving several pots of naughty, Devil's Ivy not being as verdant as they should be and making him look bad in the process, gaped. "Why?" Things would surely be awkward and they'd never promised to go visit Adam or the Them again.
The angel waved a letter in his face. It was done in parchment with fanciful writing in gold ink on the face with a laurel wreath stamp on the back. "Dear Adam sent us an invitation and a cheeky message congratulating us for 'finally getting on with it'. He's so clever."
"Okay, maybe that one makes sense in a way," especially since he ended up sending Lucy off to who knows where and was actually a decent kid overall, and was their nephew, "but why Warlock? We up and quit as his nanny and gardener suddenly last year and haven't talked to him or his parents since. That sounds like it'd be a right mess, angel." Not a very well handled situation but the world was ending so it could be excused a bit. At least unlike Heaven and Hell weren't up their arses anymore.
"But we helped raise him," Aziraphael pointed out with a firm nod to himself. "Or do you not recall how many times he was left to wander unsupervised by his parents who were rarely there for him and are so unhappy they want to divorce but can't because they care too much about the social backlash they'd get from it?"
He had a point. Warlock was a bit of a spoiled kid but it wasn't all his fault as his parents were wealthy and thought shoving money and toys his way was the way to express love and gain favour. Mr. Dowling had always been overseas and would just buy him things, and Harriet Dowling would be out to tea parties and meetings all the time. Besides, with Crowley and Aziraphael whispering different lessons in his ears, he'd developed a very… odd personality. One with many facets that were the direct opposites of each other but somehow clicked within him.
Not good enough for Heaven but not bad enough for Hell. Like a literal mix of Aziraphael and Crowely actually. Despite having no experience in personally raising children they'd done well enough with the boy. Might end up in Limbo if he was lucky. Heaven and Hell were dull anyway.
"What would we even get them?" It was customary to bring gifts, yes? Children liked having gifts. Most anyone liked getting gifts actually. Especially on their birthday. "And no magic tricks! Absolutely none, you hear me, angel?"
Said angel pouted but nodded. "I understand-"
Good.
"-that you hate fun."
"Excuse me! I'm the one who always wanted to get drunk and play games and music and you were the one who was always 'I'm an angel, you're a demon, we can't associate'. If anyone hated having fun it was you."
The apples of his angel's cheeks turned red at the reminder of their past, shared angst. Crowley loved him to bits and nothing could ever change that fact, but he was still a bit hurt by the repeated rejection of thousands of years. He was allowed to be dramatic about it now and then. It had only been a year since they'd officially gotten together after all.
"Besides, he'll be twelve and kids at the age in present time aren't as interested in magic shows or talent shows. They move on to new interests all the time. They like video games and YouTubers right now. Warlock especially liked YouTube gamers. Get him merch from the Irish lad that screams at his camera the whole time, he'll be thrilled."
Aziraphael sagged. "I'm still not good with computers."
"Then I'll place the order."
"Okay, what about Adam? It's a Greek-themed costume party apparently. Thankfully we lived through that period of history and can dress accordingly, but I'm not certain on choosing a gift."
Crowley shrugged. "A gift card with a lot of money? A lot of gift cards for a lot of things? He can choose what to use them for then and we don't have to think too much on it."
The angel beamed. "See, dear? Where would I be without your brilliance?"
He was not going to blush! His heart did not flutter either! He was sturdier than stone and just as cold. He was unmoving and unaffected.
A second later, Aziraphael planted a soft kiss on Crowley's right cheek, rendering the demon's inner monologue moot and making him look away in order to collect himself properly.
An unfair advantage! Crowley was practically fighting with a handicap! Praise was an unfair weakness!
On the day of the joint birthdays, Crowley had miraculously acquired the information necessary to determine which to go to first. It would be Warlock's of course as his parents never liked evening parties. Despite what it looked like on the surface, they didn't like children and would prefer to host their adult events separately.
It was Aziraphael who did a little miracle work to have the staff at the party completely ignore their presence. Not exactly not notice them, but just lose any and all caring the moment they looked in their general direction. The kids were left alone of course. They had more important things to think of than two random people coming along.
Crowley had bought a bunch of merch from Warlock's favourite YouTuber's online shop. Unsure of what to pick, he'd just clicked on one of everything and paid with one of his many credit cards. And yes, it was real money. Crowley could miracle anything at any time but he had his fingers dipped in many pies and did make a living. Between the two of them, he was more hard-working than Aziraphael when it came to human jobs.
Also, he had considered miracling the stuff for free but then felt bad when he was greeted with a note on the website saying all proceeds from the site for the next few weeks would be going to the Environmental Defense Fund. As Crowley had never liked Pollution, this was like he was thumbing his nose at Them one last time. Also he tripled the purchase just because. Aziraphael would never know why as Crowley didn't like all of his good deeds being made public. He had a reputation to keep.
They were greeted by a bunch of rowdy tweens when they arrived at the party which was being held on the left-side lawn. The party itself was just a pool party - a massive pool and two long slides had been installed since they'd last been to the manor - and American Pop music was blasting from somewhere as the children flitted from the dessert table to the water. The normal food remained generally untouched, but of course it would be when it had biscuits, cake, and ice cream to contend with!
Warlock noticed them instantly. Maybe it was the large, black bag Crowley was holding that was wider than he and his angel combined. He wasn't a colourful individual and black would have to bloody well do! Maybe it was how out of place they looked among the house staff who were all in uniform and looking duller than Death Themself with no parents in sight of course. Aziraphael was beaming like he'd never seen anything better than happy children.
"Nanny? Brother Francis?" the boy asked in shock as he stood before them in whale-covered swim trunks with only a towel around his shoulders to keep him warm.
He'd recognised them straight away and they weren't even in their disguises. Crowley had assured Aziraphael that it would be fine to go as themselves this time. Maybe he shouldn't have?
"Happy birthday, Lock," said the two lovers as Crowley awkwardly handed over the gift bag.
"Did you run away and get married?" the boy asked frankly. "You quit at the same time and you would always spend your breaks together even when you didn't seem to like each other during work. And the cook said Brother Francis was sweet on you, Nanny and that you were obviously smitten in return."
Okay. The fact that he saw them interacting even after they encouraged him to ignore the other's words, was embarrassing! The fact that the other workers in the house were gossiping in such ways was even more alarming! And the fact that apparently many people knew his angel liked him before he did was bloody frustrating!
"We are not married, young Warlock," said Aziraphael. "We're just long time friends-"
"Who are a couple now," added Crowley. He'd helped raise the kid, he knew Warlock wouldn't care about gender norms and sexual orientation. Crowley had taught him tolerance and understanding for a reason. Some things had to be done even if they were considered 'good'. He wouldn't stand for anything less. His parents certainly were too Conservative for any sane person's liking.
"Oh." It was just that simple. Kids could be less annoying than adults if they tried hard enough. "So you're not a lady?"
"No."
"Are you a man?"
"Technically no, but I don't care which pronouns I'm addressed with, I present myself to the world how I want and if people don't like the way I look they can look the other way." He'd had a few words of the unkind sort but Aziraphael would have given him that Disappointed Look. And such deserved to be capitalised.
Warlock turned his gaze on Aziraphael. "You look less old and gross, Brother Francis. Did Nanny make you get work done?"
Crowley snorted into his right shoulder as his angel sputtered for a reply. When he came up with none, the demon said, "A disguise, Warlock. Your parents aren't very tolerant of how we live but we wanted to be a part of your life anyway so we donned disguises. We're legally your godparents." And they in fact were. And Warlock's parents had miraculously accepted or so Aziraphael told him.
The boy seemed to find that interesting as his face brightened. "Why did you have to leave?"
Aziraphael jumped in then, thankfully having an excuse as Crowley hadn't thought one was necessary. "Our families are very dangerous and don't like each other. Things were getting out of hand and we had to step in and do some dirty business to make the almost-war between them stop."
"Are you in the mafia?"
"Feels like it," admitted Crowley the more he considered the situation.
The angel sent him a quelling look and said, "If you take one of the definitions lightly, I suppose you could say so."
"Cool. Can I open this now?"
"It's your gift, Lock."
His reaction ended up being as Crowley had expected. Excitement. Joy. And maybe a bit of a flush across the cheeks since he had a bit of a crush on the gamer said merchandise had come from.
"Thanks! Are you- Do you plan to come around more?" the boy asked after a moment, looking uneasy for the first time in a long time. He wasn't a shy boy though so it was a bit odd to see. "Mum and dad aren't around much and when they are they fight and when dad's in America they fight over Skype. The kitchen help have bets on what's going to happen. Mum's cheating on dad with the new gardener because he's never home and I think dad's cheating too because he prefers thin blondes. He's a Republican politician, so the chances of him not cheating are really low. It's- things aren't very good here."
The demon and angel shared a look of concern. Warlock's parents couldn't even keep their issues private? Their son had to witness their rows? And he even had to witness their questionable behaviours on the side? Disgusting.
One thing they couldn't do was create emotions. They couldn't just snap their fingers and make people fall in love or fall back into love. They could heavily influence situations until love came about on its own, but they couldn't force people to fall in love. So they couldn't repair the marriage. Especially as it hadn't really been out of love in the first place. Politics saw to that far too often. And rarely did unfaithful couples manage to get back together.
Still, now that Crowley was aware of things going further south than he'd ever anticipated before, he wouldn't be staying away in the least. "We'll be by," he told the boy firmly. "Is your mobile number the same?"
"Yeah."
"Then I've got it memorised. We'll set up some kind of outing soon. Don't worry about what your parents think about it. They'll agree no matter what."
Warlock beamed. "Okay! Thanks for the gift, Nanny! Should I call you Nanny? Is your name really Ashtoreth?"
"Crowley. I'm Crowley and this is Aziraphael. They're the names we've used for a long time."
The boy nodded. "Right. Can I go back to my party now?"
They waved him on and Aziraphael breathed out a sigh of relief. "That went much better than I had even hoped for! I can't believe he thought I got work done!"
Crowley snorted. "You're the one who decided to wear that hideous disguise!"
Adam's party was a lot less loud. It had a lot less children and a lot more adults. Or specifically those involved in the almost-end-of-the-world and some of his friend's parents. He didn't have a very big group of friends and was fine with that.
Everyone looked like they'd stepped out of AD 41 themselves, the angel and demon donning clothes similar to those they'd worn back then. It was easy to just imagine them back into existence.
The somewhat-not-but-still Antichrist, was dressed as the goddess Athena. Complete with helmet, spear, and a fake snake around his shoulders. He seemed happy with his choice.
"You don't think it's weird that I'm dressed as a female character?" he'd asked them when Aziraphael complimented the intricacy of the bronze-painted, cardboard helmet he'd painstakingly crafted.
Crowley scoffed. "We're both angels, even if I'm of the fallen. Our kind technically don't have genders nor do we care about those things. We can look however we want with just a bit of extra effort. One thing I can say about Heaven is that they don't have all those ridiculous views on gender that humans have created and claimed they have."
God sounded like Frances McDormand, who was a woman, and Michael and Uriel preferred blending the gender binary just enough to confuse humans whenever they bothered to go down for any reason. Crowley had presented as a woman many times in history. Even Aziraphael sometimes did whenever interested in the direction feminine fashion was going in.
Adam beamed. "Cool."
His friend Pepper was Medusa and said something about 'feminist icon with cool hair'. So Crowley, for just the party, miracled her elaborately designed, dreadlocks into dozens of actual snakes that hissed and rubbed themselves against her cheeks and shoulders. She'd been thrilled.
"You know you actually look like her too," he told her. It was a bit uncanny.
"She was real?!" the kids said in shock, the little Einstein - Wensleydale, if memory served - of the group looking ready to throw out questions rapid fire.
"A lot of the people in Greek myths were real. The tales about them were overdramatised by superstition and certain denizens of Hell wanted to encourage temptation away from the Almighty, so they spread word of false gods to turn humans away from Her light and ensure their soul's eternal damnation."
"So to clarify, Medusa wasn't white?" asked Pepper.
"No," said Aziraphael and Crowley at the same time.
"Neither were Adam or Eve," the angel added. "We both spoke to one of them personally. The atmosphere after the Flood is what changed humanity's makeup a they spread across the lands."
Wensleydale sighed. "The 12th Doctor was right. History is a whitewash."
"As I've been saying!" Pepper insisted, her head full of snakes hissing their agreement.
The party continued in a much happier vein after that. Aziraphael ended up with Book Girl - Anathema, dear Crowley. Her name is Anathema Device - and her boyfriend, eating food and talking about politics. And for someone who didn't often get into political things, it was an accomplishment on the young woman's part.
Crowley found himself surrounded by kids who had questions. Mostly just advice on fun games to play and ways to get revenge without physically hurting anyone. But he'd never turn down a child for asking questions. They'd been a big part in his existence after all.
"How do you say the Angel's name?" Adam asked, pointing to Aziraphael who was on his third piece of cake already.
"Depends," admitted Crowley. "I say Azeerafel, but God says it more like Azeerafail. You could call him Ezra for short, he wouldn't mind. Or the human name he chose which is Asmodeus, though it's a mouthful. Or Mr. Fell as many of his customers do."
The boy thought on it for a moment, before shrugging. "He likes cake a lot. He and Dog have eaten more cake than anyone."
The Hellhound-turned-canine indeed had gotten his own slices of cake. The vanilla portion of course. It was going to be literal Hell to clean him up afterwards as it was all over his muzzle.
"Thanks for coming by the way, Mr. Crowley."
"Just Crowley, kid."
"When you and Mr. Fell get married are you going to take his name or will he take yours?"
He flushed. An unfortunate chemical reaction to embarrassing questions. He couldn't control that! "I don't really see marriage in our future, Adam. Demons don't do so well on consecrated ground so I'm not sure how it'd work."
"Oh. Well, whatever happens, happens."
The rest of the party went swimmingly. Adam loved the gift cards. Aziraphael loved the food. Crowley loved watching Pepper and Adam scheme over what to do to some kid in school who was bothering Pepper during lunch.
Whatever reservations he'd had about attending ended up being pointless in the end.
It was… dare he use a four-letter-descriptor… nice.
A/N: Finished!
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