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The first face Inej ever saw in Ketterdam was Tante Heleen’s. It was a beautiful face, proud and cruel and hateful. That much remained constant during all the long years Inej haunted the city, and stayed the same long after she had gone.
The last face Inej saw in Ketterdam was Kaz’s. In their time together, she had seen him hateful and cruel, despairing and triumphant, scheming and soft in a way she would have never thought possible. But on the day of her departure, she saw true grief in his familiar features; grief quickly hidden behind a razor-blade smile and his familiar dry wit.
He stood on the docks until she was gone, a ragged black shape against the bloody sky, rapidly fading into the distance as The Wraith drifted towards the open sea. Tears sprung to her eyes unbidden as a strange sort of misery rose out of that hollow place the Barrel had carved into her. Inej turned her face towards the horizon, and turned her back on the boy she had come to love.
Inej could not think of him, not until she had achieved her great purpose. So she raised the sails and sped onwards, to where her new life awaited on the waves.
~~~~~
That feeble determination lasted about a month. It was easy for Inej to forget when she was busy, and familiarizing herself with the ship and crew and planning attacks and charting courses allowed no time for idle thought in those early days. Then there were the matters of what they were going to do with their rescued captives and how they were going to ration their supplies to accommodate their new passengers and a million other things that occupied Inej’s mind all hours of the day and night.
But after everything was sorted out, her traitorous mind turned to thoughts of him.
Him, the plague of Ketterdam.
Him, whose very being was an anathema to the morals she still held.
Him, who was terrible and wonderful and terrifying and more human than anyone but her could ever know.
Kaz had unwittingly wormed his way into her heart and left an indelible mark upon her soul.
Now she was far from him, and she felt the distance as keenly as she would a knife between her ribs. That last despairing look that had adorned his face as she left haunted Inej. she wondered if he felt her absence as deeply as she felt his.
Training the refugees that decided to join her crew helped keep the thoughts at bay a little longer. Among them was Syng, a girl from one of Shu Han’s tiny border islands. She had a knack for predicting the next appearances of the slaver ships. She kept Inej busier still. And for that, she was glad. It prevented her from thinking of all she had lost in Ketterdam. More importantly, it kept her from thinking of all she had gained.
~~~~~
Syng soon cemented herself in place aboard The Wraith, both as Inej’s unexpected comfort and quite possibly the strangest person aboard the ship. She smiled and laughed at things she found within her own mind. She came up with fantastical tales of otherworldly beings and unearthly beasts. She said the most random things at the oddest times, even when no one appeared to be listening, and wandered the decks at night like a particularly talkative ghost. Inej often wondered if she had always been that way, or if her warped mind was a result of her time in captivity.
But despite all appearances, Syng was a remarkable strategist and a wonderfully unlikely friend. Indeed, Inej grew very fond of her during the long days and nights at sea. She laughed and smiled and felt whole in a way she hadn’t since she and Kaz and Nina and Jesper and Wylan had parted ways.
Inej began to seek Syng out whenever she desired company. It was easy to sit there on the deck and let her endless stream of words wash over her. Her voice varied in pitch like the rising and falling of the tide; reaching a crescendo when she spoke of the creatures she loved. She never spoke of her past and Inej never spoke of her own and neither ever made an effort to pry.
Theirs was a comfortable arrangement. Syng could name every unfamiliar fish or bird or beast or alien organism that they came across, and could spend endless hours explaining everything about them. Her enthusiasm was infectious and never failed to bring Inej’s mind back from its lonely wanderings, and for that she was grateful.
It was a quiet evening on the open water when Inej’s resolve finally broke. As with most happenings aboard, it was entirely Syng’s fault. She had been settled contentedly beside Syng for the better part of an hour, listening to her starry-eyed spiel on bioluminescence, when a massive white bird appeared on the horizon. She immediately jumped up and pointed, a wondering smile on her lips.
“Do you know what that is?”
Apparently, “a bird” was not the right answer.
“It’s a wandering albatross.” She sat back down slowly, focused on the solitary seabird making its way across the sky. “They’re absolutely remarkable.”
Of course, Syng said that about every animal they came across. That didn’t make it any less true.
“They stay at sea for months, or even years, at a time. They travel across entire oceans before returning to land.” Now her voice had taken on a strange, dreamy quality, as though she had departed from the world of the here and now. She was silent for a few long moments.
“You know, they mate for life.” Though she still sounded far away, Inej got the impression that Syng wasn’t just stating a fact.
“They leave each other to wander the globe for a year at a time, but always return to the same place.” She tore her gaze away from the distant albatross to look back at Inej. Her sun-bright eyes were more solemn than she’d ever seen them.
Oh. Oh.
“How did you know?” Inej had never once mentioned Kaz, nor given any hint that she had anyone to go back to.
Syng shrugged, and turned back towards the sea. Her untroubled, ageless face was thrown into sharp relief as she looked to the sinking sun. She was the very picture of serenity, wreathed with flame and outlined in gold, a saint reborn, silently mocking Inej’s turmoil.
“The Starlight told me so.”
~~~~~
Now there was no forgetting. Inej lay awake in her narrow bunk that night, turning Syng’s words over and over in her mind.
Somehow, the image of the albatross seemed very fitting. Inej already knew that she would return to Kaz eventually, no matter how hard she tried to keep her distance. Her heart was pulling her back to land.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, her heart had chosen Kaz. Now she was coming to realize that his had chosen hers too. He had chosen her and latched on with a quiet, fierce intensity that refused to fade. He would be waiting for her when she returned no matter how long it took. Of that much she was sure.
She shut her eyes, the bleak despair written on Kaz’s face upon their farewell appearing vividly in the darkness. Every fiber of her being ached with the remembering. If there was any moment when Inej knew that Kaz truly loved her, it was then; watching as he slowly faded into the distance, a god of wrath cast in gold and set aflame by the light of the rising sun.
Inej felt his absence now more sharply than ever. She shifted, suddenly restless, and tried to hold his visage in her mind as long as she could.
~~~~~
Syng was quite possibly the single most aggravating, meddling person on Earth.
She appeared outside Inej’s quarters shortly after a raid, with the thrill of the fight still coursing through her veins. She stepped inside as soon as Inej opened the door, dropping something into Inej’s motionless hands with more ceremony than strictly necessary.
Inej frowned. “What is this?”
Syng huffed impatiently. “Well, if you actually looked at it, you would know.”
It was the likeness of an albatross, delicately carved into a piece of shell-white stone.
“I found that on one of the bastards from this morning.” Catching Inej’s skeptical look, she hurried on. “Sailors regard the birds as good luck. It’s not uncommon for some of the more superstitious ones to carry these.”
Her vicious smile made Inej a little uneasy. “Besides, I thought it might remind you of that mystery man of yours.”
She was gone before Inej could even begin to respond.
~~~~~
She strung her little talisman on a leather cord, and wore it close to her heart. In a way, it felt like Kaz was with her, as comfortingly self-assured as ever.
Inej was no longer running on the almost manic energy her cause had given her in those first months. It had settled into something far gentler, but no less fierce. With her continued dedication and Syng’s peculiar talent and her loyal crew, they were making progress faster than she would have ever thought possible. Still, Inej knew there was so much more to be done.
She soundlessly slid into place beside her newly appointed first mate after another weary day. As usual, Syng was facing the setting sun, gaze distant and thoughts settled upon worlds unknown. Silently, she raised her eyes and pointed to the now-familiar shape of a faraway albatross.
“It’s about time she starts her journey home.”
The very next day, Inej set a course for Ketterdam.
~~~~~
The first face Inej ever saw in Ketterdam was Tante Heleen’s. The last was Kaz’s.
Now she saw that last, beloved face again, and it became a first. It was the first of lasts and the last of firsts. His smile never failed to follow her as she departed, and never failed to greet her as she returned to her once-home in the Slat.
She clutched her talisman tight, sea wind eddying around her, and his smile came to mind once more. She took a deep breath, charted her course, and let it call her home.