Archive of Our Own

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David didn’t know what he expected when he transferred schools. He wasn’t expecting to be treated like shit like he was at his last school, but he promised himself that he would lay low and just graduate so he could really start living his life. The way he wanted to live it. It worked for the first few weeks. He kept his head down in class, and he didn’t speak unless absolutely necessary, but it changed one day in PE, when two girls wouldn’t stop talking to him. At first David just wanted to be polite, but than he realized that he actually really liked them. They were funny, and nice. Something David wasn’t used too, but figured he could maybe let himself have a few friends at this school. It was nice, having friends. He was happy he let himself have that.

Abi was coming faster than David anticipated, but he was ready. He was ready to graduate and start studying to become a director. It seemed so out of reach before, but now, he felt like he really could do it. He really could have everything he wanted for his future. It helped that Sara and Leonie were extremely excited to star in his movie. He didn’t have the heart to tell them that he didn’t even know how they would be in it, seeing as his original idea for the movie followed a boy, and nobody else. He’d cross that bridge when he gets there he supposes.

They were in PE, the teacher was late, and everyone was sitting around talking. David had pretty much tuned everyone out, looking out the window thinking about nothing in particular when something Leonie said caught his attention.

“What did you say?” David asked, and Leonie looked at him.

“I said, Matteo is an asshole, and Sara needs to get over him.” Leonie repeated.

“You’re still stuck on him?” David asked, and Sara shrugged. He didn’t know much about the boy Sara had a crush on, but he knew enough from Leonie about how much of a waste the boy was. It was a shame really. People throwing their lives away.

“She is, but he refuses to acknowledge it.” Leonie said with a scoff.

“I don’t have a crush on him.” Sara finally said. “I told you, he said he just wanted to be friends, but rejection hurts nonetheless.”

“But why would he make out with you at those parties?” Leonie asked, annoyed.

“We made out at like 2 parties. That was a long time ago, and it’s not like we were ever dating, I just liked him a lot, and he didn’t like me in the same way.” Sara explained. “Haven’t you ever had a crush that didn’t work out?” Sara asked the two and David just shrugged. “It hurts, but I’d rather be told than lead on.”

“He’s still an asshole.” Leonie muttered.

“Think what you want about him, I’m not going to stop you.” Sara said. “I just think you hate him for more than just my feelings.” She said and Leonie rolled her eyes but said nothing. David turned his attention away from the girls. David understood where Leone’s anger was coming from. It was a terrible thing to play with a girls feelings, and he hated that he did that with Sara, even if it was only a couple times.

~/~/~/~

A few weeks later, David was sitting on the wall outside the school, sketching. He had a free period, so he liked to take the time to work on his art. It was relaxing to him, and something he needed to start doing more of. Schools been pretty hectic, so it’s been on the back burned a lot, and David needed to make more time for it.

It was quiet. All he heard was the sound the wind hitting the trees and the birds flying by. It was peaceful to David. He enjoyed the sounds of nature. He had his music softly playing through his headphones, and blocking out the world around him, but a movement in the distance grabbed his attention, and he looked up to see Matteo walking towards the school. The day was half over, why the hell did he even bother showing up? David watched him for a few moments. Smoke flowing out of his mouth, hoodie pulled over his wild blonde hair, and his focus mainly on the ground. He looked so unmotivated to get to school in a timely fashion, his pace was slow. Almost forced, like he didn’t want to be there.

David rolled his eyes before focusing back on his art. He didn’t understand how one boy could be so clueless to his studies. If he didn’t pass his abi, he’d have to repeat his last year, and who the hell wants to do that? He fairly heard the bell ring in the distance, and he packed his things up and put them away before making it to his last class of the day. Math. He hated it more than his other classes, but oh well. When he got to class he slowly took his headphones off and took his notes out. He tried to tune out the rest of the class, but two people behind him were having a slightly hushed conversation, and he would have just forgotten it, but he heard Matteo’s name, and it sparked his interest, even though he hated that it did.

“Have you seen him today?” He heard the girl, Hanna say.

“Yea. He came in last period.” The boy, Jonas explained. “I’m surprised he came in at all honestly.”

“How many days has he missed?” Hanna asked.

“Almost a week.” Jonas said and David shook his head at this. Unmotivated. “I texted him to see if he was okay, but he hasn’t answered me.”

“Is he okay?” Hanna asked, worry clear in her voice. Matteo clearly meant a lot to these two.

“I don’t know.” Jonas said honestly. “Worse than normal, but not the worst. If that makes any sense.” Hanna didn’t say anything, David could only assume she nodded. When the teacher walked in, David turned his attention towards her.

“Alright class, we’re going to get paired up for the big partner test in a few weeks.” She explained and the class groaned. “And I’m picking the partners.” She added, more groans. She started reading off names. David barely paid attention until his name was said. “David, and Jonas.” She said and David wanted to roll his eyes. He would get paired with him. Not that he really knew Jonas on a personally level, but he didn’t want to deal with anyone remotely connected to Matteo. David didn’t like Matteo, he couldn’t because of Sara and Leonie. It was a fact.

“Hey dude.” Jonas said as he took a seat.

“Hey.” David said back.

“I say we just meet when we have time, and study as much as possible. I’m okay in math, but it’s not my best subject.” Jonas explained.

“That works for me. I hate this class.” David admitted, and Jonas laughed.

“Me too dude, me too.” He agreed. Maybe being his partner wouldn’t be that bad.

~/~/~/~

David and Jonas were meeting in the library after school. They had been meeting pretty regularly since they got paired together, and David has come to the conclusion that Jonas is a pretty cool guy. He likes to write music, which David thinks is really cool. They had some things in common, which made it easier to David.

David could tell Jonas was a bit distracted today. He kept looking at his phone, and every time it vibrated, he would frantically look at it, only to be disappointed when it wasn’t the message he was expecting. David let it go for most of the time, but when he answered a phone call worried, than got pissed when it was spam, David figured it was time to say something.

“You can leave if you need too. We can continue this later this week.” David offered.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just waiting for my best friend to answer me.” Jonas said, and David nodded. He knew he was talking about Matteo. Jonas sighed, and ran his hands over his face. “I don’t have any siblings, Matteo is the closest thing I have to a brother, and I just I get worried.” He said, like he needed to get something off his chest.

“Being worried about your friends isn’t a bad thing.” David offered to him, not really sure what to say.

“I’m not just worried.” Jonas admitted. “Have you ever met someone who just doesn’t have any luck in life?” Jonas asked and David shrugged. “I try my hardest to be there for him, but he makes it so hard sometimes.”

“Maybe he just needs some space.” David said. This conversation wasn’t what David expected, but Jonas looks like he’s been battling with this for awhile, and needed an outlet.

“Matteo isn’t the type of person who needs space.” Jonas admitted. “He hates space, but he pushes everyone away.” David nodded, now he had nothing to say. He didn’t know how to comfort Jonas, so he didn’t. His phone ran again, but this time he look relieved. “Matteo?” He asked, worried, his face was tense, but soon relaxed. “Dude, I don’t even care. I’m coming over, and we’re going to talk this shit out.” He said, a little more fiercely. “Matteo, Matteo. Fuck.” He said as he hung up.

“Everything okay?” David asked and Jonas looked at him.

“No dude.” Jonas sighed. “Not even close.” He said and David nodded. Jonas stayed for 30 more minutes before he had to head home. David watched as he walked away. His posture was sullen. It was a weird day.

~/~/~/~

Jonas and David were meeting during lunch to study a little bit more. Jonas had been out sick the past few days, and David was helping him catch up a little. He didn’t mind spending his lunch in the library, honestly it was better than being in the loud cafeteria. Plus he didn’t have to hear Leonie and Sara complaining the whole time. They were great friends, but they had a lot of issues that they wouldn’t stop talking about. Sometimes David just wanted to disappear from it all.

Hanna also joined them to study a little. She had a chemistry test today, and she was freaking out about it. David didn’t mind her company. She didn’t really have much to say, sometimes he forgot she was there, but he liked her. They were all focused on their work that they didn’t even notice someone standing at the end of the table, David would have been oblivious to it, but Hanna gasped. When David looked up, there stood Matteo.

“Matteo.” Hanna said softly as she stood up and pulled him into a hug. It took a moment, but Matteo returned the hug and buried his head into the crook of her neck. David couldn’t help but see how much Matteo seemed to be basking in the moment. “How are you?” Hanna asked when she pulled back. Matteo said nothing, he just shrugged. David noticed he did that a lot.

“How are you?” Matteo asked, David assumed he was just being polite.

“Cramming hard for this test.” Hanna laughed. “I know I do it to myself, but I just can’t seem to study chem by myself.” She smiled.

“You good dude?” Jonas asked as they gave each other a fist bump.

“Yea, just came to tell you that I’m heading home.” Matteo said and that confused David.

“It’s the middle of the day.” David said without thinking. Matteo looked over at him, his eyes were empty. He shrugged again.

“We’ll hang out another day.” Matteo told Jonas.

“Is everything good?” Jonas asked worried. Matteo didn’t say anything, just looked at his friend for a moment longer before walking out of the library. Once he was gone, David turned to Jonas and Hanna.

“Does he always smell like weed?” He asked, again, his filter not working today apparently. Jonas didn’t say anything, and at first he thought he might have offended Jonas, but eventually he just sighed.

“Matteo is just having - “ He was cut off my Hanna smacking his arm and shaking his head. David looked at Jonas confused, and Jonas sighed again. “Its not my story to tell.” He eventually said and David nodded slowly. Each time he learned something new about Matteo, he just got more and more confused. He seemed to be a puzzle that didn’t have a solution. But than again, most lost souls don’t have a solution.

~/~/~/~

David was tuning out the conversation between Leonie and Sara just like he does every lunch period. Normally he tried to pretend to listen, but he didn’t feel like putting forth the effort today. He slept like shit last night, and he just wanted to go home.

“David?” He heard his name and when he looked Leonie and Sara were looking at him.

“I’m sorry, what?” David asked.

“There is a party this weekend.” Leonie said. “It’s at Matteo’s so that’s a downside, but they’re normally really good. You wanna come with us?”

“Matteo throws parties?” David asked, confused.

“Well, his flat mates do.” Leonie explained.

“He doesn’t live at home?” David asked, and he saw Sara look sullen at that question.

“No, he lives with a couple older kids, and than Mia. You know Mia Winter right?” Leonie asked, and David nodded. He knew that she was friends with Hanna and Jonas, but he had no idea why Matteo lived with her, and not at home. But than again, he doesn’t live with his parents either, so it shouldn’t be that confusing really.

“I guess. Can I bring my sister?” David asked.

“Sure. They really don’t care who shows up.” Leonie shrugged. They went back to talking about something else and David tuned them out again. He thought back to Matteo, and his very confusing, and mysterious lifestyle, and it killed David that he was curious about him. He shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t care about him, but he did, and he didn’t understand why.

~/~/~/~

When David asked Laura to come to a party with him, she was really excited. Laura had always been a social butterfly. Loved meeting new people, and all that. David was good at socializing, but didn’t enjoy it as much as his sister.

They showed up a little later than expected. Leonie had been texting him all night asking if he was coming, and so much of him didn’t want to deal with her drunk. He could tell she had a crush on him, but he didn’t have to heart to tell her he wasn’t interested. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he didn’t want one. No matter who it was with.

“David!” Leonie cheered when he found her in the flatshare.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. My sister takes forever to get ready.” David smiled and she laughed when Laura smacked his shoulder. “Laura, this is my friend Leonie, we have a lot of classes together at school.” David introduced.

“Nice to meet one of David’s friends.” Laura laughed above the music. “I was beginning to think he made them up.” Leonie laughed.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Leonie said. “My best friend Sara is here somewhere.” Leonie looked around, only to scowl as she found Sara drunkenly talking to Matteo. ”Son of a bitch.” David followed her eyesight.

“Maybe you should go rescue Matteo from her.” David said and Leonie turned around faster than he expected.

“Save Matteo?” She scoffed. “If anything I would be saving Sara.”

“Doesn’t look like Matteo is the one pursuing the conversation.” David pointed out. He was standing on the wall while Sara talked, using her hands, spilling her drink, and looking like she was about to cry. Leonie rolled her eyes and went to get her, David followed slightly behind her.

“I just want to know, what did I do wrong?” Sara hiccuped.

“Sara, I like you a lot, but as a friend. It has nothing to do with something you did wrong.” Matteo said gently. He’d never seen him do anything gently. Not that he had been watching.

“Than why did we make out at a couple parties?” Sara asked.

“Sara.” Leonie said once they got closer.

“I just want to know.” Sara said to her friend before turning towards Matteo.

“We were both drunk, and I was high out of my mind.” Matteo said. “I guess it just seemed like a good decision. I didn’t mean to lead you on though, truly I’m sorry if you got that impression.” He explained and Sara nodded before hiccuping again.

“Come on, let’s get you some water.” Leonie said as she guided her friend away from Matteo. David watched them go, but when he turned his attention back to where Matteo was standing, he had vanished. David looked around before realizing that he wasn’t in the room anymore. He needed a drink. Badly.

~/~/~/~

David had been having a great time at the party, he really was. Leonie and Sara had stuck to each other pretty much the whole night, she she hadn’t even attempted to flirt with David. Laura had made some fast friends, so David had been alone for the past half hour or so. He realized he needed to take a piss, so he tried to find the bathroom. Most of the doors were locked, so he assumed that it wasn’t behind any of those, so when he found a door that was unlocked, he thought he found it, but when he opened it, and he saw Matteo sitting on a chair, rolling joints, he realized that he might have only found his bedroom.

“Sorry.” David finally said as Matteo looked at him. “I thought this was the bathroom.”

“Next door.” Matteo said.

“Locked.” David said and Matteo nodded. “I didn’t really need it anyway, just trying to get away from the people.” David admitted, although he’s not sure why.

“You’re more than welcome to stay in here if you’d like.” Matteo offered, and David was surprised.

“I don’t want to intrude.” David said as he took a step back.

“I was just going to smoke.” Matteo said. “You wanna join?” He asked. David had never smoked before, but for some reason, he didn’t want to leave, so he nodded. “Come.” Matteo said as he made his way out onto the balcony. David followed behind. They took a seat and Matteo lit the joint and offered it to David. David took a hit and than proceeded to enter a coughing fit, which made Matteo laugh. “You could have told me you’ve never smoked before.”

“Didn’t think it was necessary to the conversation.” David said back and Matteo smiled. David liked his smile.

“You don’t have to smoke with me if you don’t want too.” Matteo said seriously after David handed it back. “You can still stay to escape the people. That’s why I’m out here. Parties aren’t really my thing.” Matteo admitted as he took another drag.

“Than why do you throw them?” David asked curiously.

“Hans throws that parties.” Matteo corrected. “I don’t have much say in the matter.”

“But you live here, why wouldn’t you have a choice?” David asked but Matteo didn’t answer. He just shrugged. “Why do you do that?” He asked without filter, and Matteo looked at him.

“Do what?” Matteo asked.

“You shrug as if it’s an answer.” David said. “If you ask me, it’s a very noncommittal way of communication.”

“Are you an expert on communication now?” Matteo asked as he looked at David.

“No, I just know that sometimes questions require an actual answer, not a shrug.” David said and Matteo shrugged again, which made David roll his eyes. David figured he’d never get an answer so he dropped, but was surprised when Matteo started talking a few minutes later.

“I guess I just always say yes because without Hans I wouldn’t have a place to stay.” He admitted. “He always asks if it’s okay with me to have these, and I don’t want to give him a reason to kick me out, so I just say yes.”

“I don’t know who Hans is, but I doubt he’d kick you out for saying no.” David said, as he felt so much sympathy for this boy who he couldn’t stand a few months prior.

“I don’t want to chance it.” Matteo shrugged. “I’d rather not be homeless.” David wanted to challenge him, tell him that there were other options, wanted to ask about his parents, but felt like it was too invasive for him to ask those kinds of questions when they had just really met tonight. Instead he just nodded and turned his attention back towards the sky like Matteo was doing. It might not have been a ground breaking conversations, but he felt like he knew way more about Matteo after this simple conversation than he even thought he’d find out, but he kinda liked it. David was about to say something else when he phone started buzzing. He looked at it and saw that it was Laura asking if they could head home for the night.

“Uh, I have to get going.” David finally said and Matteo looked over at him. “My sister wants to head home.”

“Yea, have a good night.” Matteo said as he took another drag. Not moving from his seat.

“Thanks for uh, letting me hang out.” David said, although it sounded so stupid when it came out of his mouth. Matteo looked over at him again and smiled.

“No problem.” He smiled and David nodded. They looked at each other for another 15 seconds before David finally made his leave. He walked out of his room and the party was still raging, more than it had been before. He found Laura pretty quickly and the two made their way home. Laura was talking about this girl that she met and really got along with the whole way home, but David couldn’t stop thinking about Matteo, and just how wrong he might have been about the boy.

~/~/~/~

The next week, David had seen Matteo more at school than he has since he transferred. He didn’t know why, but he liked seeing him in the hallways, and in the cafeteria. He couldn’t seem to get him out of his head, no matter how much he tried. Laura had called him out on it after he said he snuck away from the party and they hung out a little bit.

David’s free period he normally liked working on his own art, but today he had to catch up on some homework that he completely forgot about over the weekend, so he made his way to the library, but was shocked when he got to the library and it was packed with students. He’s never seen this many students in here at the same time, but it made it a little harder on David to catch up when he couldn’t even find a place to sit

He walked around a little trying to find anywhere that he could sit and just do some homework quietly, but it seemed to be harder than he anticipated. Most people were in here working on group work, which meant it wasn’t as quiet as David normally liked it, and also that they wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. He was about to give up when he saw Matteo sitting at a table alone. He felt like they were sorta friends now, why couldn’t they sit at the same table. He made his way over to where he sat and cleared his throat when he got there.

“Hey.” Matteo said and David smiled.

“Mind if I join you? There aren’t any other tables open.” David asked, and surprisingly he felt a little sheepish asking Matteo this.

“Of course.” Matteo said and David took a seat and pulled out his books. Matteo didn’t try to communicate with him after that, and for some reason it had stung a little for David, but he was also happy because this meant he could work on his homework in peace. He was halfway through his worksheet when Matteo’s phone started ringing.

“Hello?” Matteo answered, and David wanted to say something snarky about phones and being in school, but the conversation turned serious, and David felt like it wasn’t a good time to joke. “Yea, I’ll be there soon.” Matteo ended, and David looked at him confused. He hung up the phone and put his stuff away. “Sorry, but I have to go. I’ll see you around.” Matteo said, and before David could answer he was already gone. Walking with so much purpose that David couldn’t stop his curiosity. He packed his things as well, and followed Matteo.

He kept a good distance between them so that Matteo wouldn’t find him. When he saw Matteo entering the administration office, he peaked through the window and saw him talking to the receptionist, the conversation was quick, and Matteo was coming back towards the door and David jumped back but before he could run away Matteo saw him.

“Spying on me?” Matteo asked, and David immediately felt bad, and embarrassed for following him and getting involved in his personal business.

“Uh - I’m so sorry -“ David said but Matteo waved him off. He started walking before he turned back towards David and smiled.

“Well, do you wanna see where I’m going?” Matteo asked, and David looked confused.

“Aren’t you angry that I followed you?” David asked, and Matteo shook his head.

“I know you’ve asked about me to Jonas.” Matteo admits, and now David feels stupid for asking his best friend about him. “It’s nice that Jonas wants to protect me, but if you’re curious, enough to spy on me, I don’t have a problem with you coming.” He said and David was actually stunned. Something about Matteo had always screamed secrecy and lies, but he was being so open right now, that all David could do was nod his head. He followed Matteo out of the school, and the nerves started coming. He had no idea what he was about to find out, but he knew he wouldn’t be ready for it.

~/~/~/~

David was shocked when Matteo lead him to a hospital. Any kind of image that he had thought of the entire way over, didn’t even come close to this. Honestly this was the last place he ever expected Matteo to bring him. He followed him inside and around the corner, and up a flight of stairs until the reached the check in desk. David looked above it, and the words stop him in his tracks.

PSYCHIATRIC WARD

He had no idea what they were doing here, but Matteo walked up to the desk and was greeted by a young, very pretty, petite brunette with two kisses on the cheeks. Something in David turned and he thinks he finally figured something out. The spoke quietly for a few moments before the doorway opened. Matteo nodded for David to follow, and he did.

“Is she why you broke things off with Sara?” David found himself asking, not like it was the most important thing right now, but he was curious.

“Who, Grace?” Matteo asked and David nodded. “I don’t know if you know this, but she’s way too old for me.” Matteo laughed, and David rolled his eyes. “And Sara and I never had anything going on. We drunkenly made out at a few parties, but that was all it ever was.”

“But you knew she liked you.” David said, ready to defend his friend.

“Not really.” Matteo said. “I’m shit at reading that kind of stuff. Jonas was actually the one who told me, and I told her the next day that I only saw her as a friend, and I was sorry for leading her on.” Matteo explained. David finally understood that everything Leonie had ever told him about Matteo had steamed from her hatred of Jonas, and didn’t really have a clue about what he was actually like.

“So there isn’t anything going on with the nurse?” David asked, now the curiosity was all his own.

“Do you want me to be completely honest with you?” Matteo asked and the seriousness in his voice, was strong, all David could do was nod. “I’m gay.” David’s eyes widened, the news was actually kind of shocking. “Making out with Sara was something I did because I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t, so that was really shitty of me, but it never had anything to do with the fact that I had another girlfriend or something like that.” He explained.

“Wow.” David finally said. “You didn’t have to tell me that, you know that right?” David finally said and Matteo smiled.

“I know, but I wanted too.” Matteo said and they continued walking.

“I’m assuming you aren’t out yet.” David said and Matteo shrugged. “I need more than a shrug Matteo.” David said and Matteo laughed.

“I’m out to the people I care about.” Matteo said, and David’s heart skipped a beat. “I’m not ready for everyone to know yet, but I’ll get there.”

“Coming out is a scary feeling.” David said. Matteo had been so honest with him, he felt it was only right to be honest back. “When I came out as pansexual, I honestly thought I was going to lose everyone in my life. Which isn’t far off from the truth, but the ones who really love me, stayed, and that’s all I ever need.” He was still coming out slowly but surely to people, but this felt safe.

“The boys have been really great about it. Secretly trying to set me up with someone, and Hans has been relentless. Always bringing his gay friends over, but I’m just not ready for a relationship yet. I have too much shit going on right now.” Matteo explained and David nodded. He understood that as well. Matteo finally stopped walking and they were in front of a door that read ‘Florenzi’ he turned towards David and gave him a sad smile. “Would it be okay if you stayed out here for a few minutes? She’s not used to new people.”

“Of course.” David said instantly, and Matteo smiled at him in appreciation. Matteo softly knocked on the door before entering. There was a small window on the door that David couldn’t help but peak in. There was a woman in a bed, machines hooked up to her as Matteo sat in a chair next to her bed. David felt bad for intruding so much today, so he took a step back and waited for Matteo. He didn’t know what to do exactly but he felt like he should text Laura and tell her he ditched school Incase the school called. He had just sent the message when the door opened again.

“Hey, she’s not really in a good place right now, but she wants to say hi, than we have to go.” Matteo explained and David nodded. He was nervous to be going in to this room, but if she wanted to say hi, he wasn’t going to say no. They walked in and saw was laying in the same position. “Mama, this is David. He’s a friend from school.” Matteo explained to the woman. Mama. Suddenly David felt like an asshole.

“Hello sweet boy.” The woman said, and motherly love radiated off of her. Something David hasn’t felt in a long time. “Matteo says he knows you from school, but I’ve never heard him mention you before.”

“I just transferred to the school a few months ago.” David said. “Matteo and I just met recently.”

“I hope he’s staying out of trouble.” She said and Matteo groaned.

“Mama.” He said and the woman smiled.

“I need as many people as I can to keep an eye on you since I can’t.” She said sadly and David felt the weight of the conversation. He could tell she felt guilty, David could understand that.

“I’m doing okay mama.” Matteo told her. “You know I’m staying on top of my work, and doing what I need to do.” Matteo said vaguely, David had a feeling it was because he didn’t want him to know, or he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I know you are my sweet boy.” She said with a warm smile.

“We’ll let you get some rest.” Matteo finally said.

“I hope to see you again David.” She smiled up at him.

“Me too Mrs. Florenzi.” David said politely.

“Please, call me mama.” She said and David just nodded. Matteo leaned down and whispered something in her ear, something in a different language that David didn’t understand. They left the room a few minutes later. Matteo closed the door and took a deep breath. It had been emotional, David could tell that much.

“I’m so sorry Matteo.” David finally said but Matteo shrugged him off. “This isn’t something you can shrug off Matteo.”

“Okay, but not here alright?” Matteo said and David nodded. “Wanna come back to mine? My flat mates aren’t home.” He said and David nodded. They had started making their way to his flat, and all David could think about is how much he has to apologize for when they’re alone.

~/~/~/~

David thought the walk back would be uncomfortable, but he soon realized that nothing with Matteo ever felt uncomfortable. It all felt safe, and warm. Something David assumes it’s from his mother, since she radiated all of that in the few minutes he was with her.

When they got back to his flat, it was empty like Matteo promised, but David was finally seeing it in the light, and it was a pretty nice flat. It made David wonder how he is affording it, but felt like that question was a little too personal.

“Do you want anything?” Matteo asked and David shook his head. “Do you mind if I smoke? Today was a lot.”

“No.” David said and Matteo nodded. Matteo made his way to his room and David followed behind him. They got out onto the balcony and Matteo lit of another joint.

“I know you’re curious.” Matteo finally said. “I would be too, if I were you.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want too.” David told him honestly. Yes, he was curious, but he also knew making Matteo tell him about his personal life was rude, and not his business.

“I’ll answer what I feel comfortable with.” Matteo said and David nodded. He’s not really sure where to start.

“How long has she been in there?” David finally asked, figuring that was a safe question.

“About a year.” Matteo said. “It got really bad, and she started becoming a danger to herself. My dad thought it was best for her to be in a place where she couldn’t be left alone.” He explained.

“That must have been tough for you two.” David said and Matteo scoffed.

“He put her in there and fucked off to Italy.” Matteo said, David could tell he wasn’t a fan of his father. “His way of still being a father to me is paying my rent here. But I haven’t heard from him in a long time.”

“I don’t talk to my parents either.” David admitted, he felt safe telling Matteo personal things. “I live with my sister.”

“I’m listed as her emergency contact.” Matteo explained. “When she has a bad episode or she hurts herself, I’m the one they call. Which is why I leave school early, or why I show up late.”

“I’m sorry.” David all but whispered. “I thought awful things about you.”

“It’s okay.” Matteo said honestly. “You were basing it off what you saw, and who your friends are. I get it.”

“But it’s not right.” David insisted. “I had no idea what you were going through.”

“Nobody does. Nobody but Jonas.” Matteo said honestly.

“Not even Hanna?” David asked.

“She knows my home life went to shit, but she doesn’t know why exactly.” Matteo explains. “The less people that know, the better. I don’t need pity.”

“Is your mom going to be okay?” David finally asked.

“The doctors aren’t sure.” Matteo said. “She’s on medicine, but she fakes it. Pretends to take it, but doesn’t. Slips into an episode, somehow finds something to cut herself with, and than it’s a week of her being high to calm her down, and than they start from the beginning.” Matteo explains. “It’s going to be a never ending battle for her. One that I hope she wins because I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t around anymore.”

“I’m sure they do everything in their power to make sure they are safe in there.” David tries to assure him.

“I know, but if you’re really that set on dying, what can stop you?” Matteo asked.

“You think she wants to die?” David asked.

“I don’t know what to think.” Matteo said honestly. “She’s been in and out of therapy my entire life. She used to get into these funks that would last weeks, and not get out of bed.” He explained. “Eventually it got to the point where she started harming herself, and that’s why my dad finally had enough. She’s not the same mom I remember when I was a kid. She’s empty, and lost, and broken. Sometimes I look into her eyes and I don’t see any will to live anymore. It’s terrifying to see.” Matteo explained, and David knew what he was talking about. David could have sworn he saw that same look in Matteo’s eyes that one day in the library with Jonas. It was terrifying.

“I’m sorry I judged you.” David finally said and Matteo looked at him.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. How were you supposed to?” Matteo said and David shrugged. “Don’t linger on it David. It won’t do you any good. I forgive you, that’s all that matters.” He said and David nodded. He had no idea how Matteo could be so forgiving about something so bad he had done, but all David could do was accept it and try to move on.

~/~/~/~

David and Jonas were meeting one last time to study for their partner test. It was later this week, and both boys felt confident in the material, but they wanted to go over the new stuff a little more before it. They were sitting in the library, focusing on the worksheet in front of them when Jonas finally started to talk.

“I heard you went with Matteo to the hospital.” Jonas said and David was stunned. “I was shocked when Matteo told me, but he must trust you a lot if he let you into his personal world.”

“I think it had more to do with the fact that he caught me spying on him.” David admitted. He shouldn’t be shocked that Matteo told Jonas.

“You were curious, it’s natural.” Jonas said and David shrugged. “It’s nice though, to know I can tell you something without worrying about giving Matteo’s secrets away.”

“Tell me what?” David asked, wondering what he could possibly have to say.

“I just get so worried about him.” Jonas admits, David already knew that though. “He’s my best friend. I’ve known him my entire life, and I’ve seen how his family has broken apart, and changed. It sucked to see him go through it.”

“I can imagine that was hard.” David said honestly. “But he seems to have everything figured out, and doing his best to be there for his mom.”

“That’s the thing, he doesn’t have a clue how to handle it.” Jonas said and David was confused. “Depression is biological. His mom has suffered from it his entire life, and knowing that she got to such a low place that she was admitted to a hospital and spent months on suicide watch scares the shit out of me.” Jonas explained. “I know Matteo is taking every possible step so that he can control his depression and not end up like his mom. He’s on meds, he takes them every day, and hardly misses, and he goes to therapy. But he still self medicates with weed and alcohol.” He continued and David sat there shocked. “Sometimes I wonder if he’ll end up like her, and I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.” Jonas finally finishes his monologue and looks up at David. The look on his face reveals everything to Jonas. Suddenly he get quiet. “Shit. You didn’t know that part.”

“No.” David simply said, almost like a whisper.

“Shit. He’s going to hate me.” Jonas said as he rubbed his face.

“I don’t think Matteo is capable of hating anyone.” David admits. Before Jonas could say anything, the bell rings and they have to get to class. They say goodbye and David heads to his next class, but his mind is reeling about the information he just learned about Matteo, and he can’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.

~/~/~/~

The next time David sees Matteo, its a few days later. He’s standing at his locker, getting his books when David was heading to the bathroom. He felt like he needed to tell Matteo that he knew about his struggle with mental illness, and this was his moment. So he made his way over to him.

“Hey.” David said and Matteo looked over at him and smiled.

“Hey. Shouldn’t you be in class?” Matteo asked and David smiled.

“Shouldn’t you?” He asked back and than Matteo laughed.

“I just got here, so I’m getting there.” Matteo said and David nodded.

“So I wanted to tell you something.” David said as he shifted from foot to foot. “The other day Jonas and I were studying, and he kinda told me about your depression.” He finally said and when he looked up at Matteo, he didn’t look surprised.

“I know, Jonas told me the day it happened.” Matteo said and David nodded. “He was freaking out about it, he felt so shitty for doing it but I don’t mind.”

“Why not?” David asked. “He told me something that you knowingly left out of our conversation for a reason.”

“Because I know Jonas didn’t do it to be malicious.” Matteo explained. “He just needed to voice his concerns to someone who knew what I was going through. He didn’t know that I didn’t tell you everything. Maybe that’s on me, but Jonas has been keeping this secret for me for years. One little slip up isn’t worth getting angry over.” He continued. David couldn’t believe how understanding and forgiving this boy was even after all the shit he went through.

“So it’s okay?” David asked, because he wanted to be completely sure. Matteo laughed.

“Yea, it’s okay.” Matteo said and David nodded. “I should get to class. See you around.” Matteo said as he shut his locker.

“See you around.” David said and Matteo disappeared around the wall. He took a deep breath. He felt better about knowing, and better that Jonas wasn’t on Matteo’s shit list. Although David doubts anyone would ever make it on that list. Matteo was too nice of a guy to hate anyone, David knew that for sure.

~/~/~/~

PE was a free class today due to the teacher not showing up. Sometimes David enjoyed when they had free classes randomly, but today was a day he could have done with some physical exercise. It had been a stressful week, and blowing off some steam in PE was exactly what he needed, to bad he couldn’t have it.

Leonie and Sara were talking about something David had no interest in, so he sat there scrolling through art accounts on Instagram to get his creative juices flowing. He needed a little more inspiration these days, and this was perfect. The class was almost over, and David had put his phone away to catch the end of a conversation he would have gladly like to avoid.

“He’s just so lazy. He missed class yesterday, and he was there today, but like not there either, if you know what I mean.” Leonie said. “Sometimes I wonder why he even bothers.”

“Who?” David asked.

“Matteo.” She said and something in David snapped.

“You have no idea what he’s going through.” David said roughly, and Leonie looked at him confused.

“Oh, and you do?” Leonie asked, and David didn’t say anything. “Since when are you two friends? I thought you didn’t like him.”

“I never said that.” David admitted. “You just assumed I didn’t like him because you don’t like him.”

“Well yea, we’re friends. You should hate him.” Leonie said.

“That’s not how it works.” David said frustrated. “I’m allowed to have other friends, and you’re allowed to not like them but that doesn’t mean I have to dislike them.”

“Why are you getting so defensive?” Leonie asked. “You never cared about what i had to say about him before.”

“I just don’t understand how you can be so rude to someone you know nothing about.” David said before he turned to Sara. “And i don’t know why you let her say half the shit she does. You once had feelings for Matteo, just because he only sees you as a friend doesn’t mean you get to be passive when your best friend talks shit about someone who she barely knows.”

“David - “

“I have to go.” He cut Leonie off. He grabbed his bag and left. Class wasn’t over, but he couldn’t stay there anymore. He was barely paying attention to where he was walking when he ran into someone. “Sorry.”

“It’s all good.” He heard and when he looked up there stood Matteo. “Everything good?”

“Yea, just had to get away from Leonie and Sara.” He admitted and Matteo nodded.

“Well, if you need an escape, I’m going to the hospital to visit my mom if you want to join.” Matteo said.

“Is she okay?” David asked, concerned.

“It’s one of her better days. I like to be there for those, so the hospital calls and lets me know.” Matteo explained.

“Are you sure you’d be okay with me coming along?” David asked.

“Of course. You did promise to visit her again.” Matteo smiled and so did David.

“Yea. I did.” David agreed.

“Than let’s go.” Matteo said and the boys left the school and headed towards the hospital. Being around Matteo made David feel lighter, more seen than he ever has before. He liked that feeling, a lot.

~/~/~/~

They got to the hospital and made their way up to the psychiatric ward. Matteo had informed him that his mother was in the rec room, a place for them to congregate if they were allowed.

“She must be having a really good day if she was approved to be in the rec room.” Matteo told David.

“That’s a good sign.” David said and Matteo nodded with a smile on his face. He liked seeing Matteo this happy. It made him happy.

“Mama?” Matteo said as he approached her. She was in a rocking chair by the window.

“My sweet boy.” She said as she stood and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so glad you made it.”

“Of course mama.” Matteo said with a fond smile on his face.

“And you brought David along.” She said as she turned her attention to him.

“It’s good to see you again.” David said politely. She pulled him into a hug that he wasn’t expecting but gladly accepted.

“I’m sorry we met in that terrible state.” She said as she pulled away.

“It’s okay. I’m glad we got to.” David told her honestly.

“Me too.” She said as she took a seat. “Shouldn’t you be in school though?” She questioned David.

“I had a free period, and nothing to do.” David said, which wasn’t a whole entire lie. “I ran into Matteo in the hallway, and he invited me along.”

“So tell, me what’s new in your life my sweet boy?” She asked and Matteo smiled before he jumped into what was new in his life.

David sat there listening intently on the conversation, his mother proud of how much progress her son as made with his own battle with depression. She shed a few tears, apologizing to Matteo for giving him such a terrible illness, Matteo told her it wasn’t her fault. David knew she still felt guilty. The conversation got happier after that. David sat there quietly, he liked listening to the two of them talk. He looked at Matteo at one point. The sun was hitting his face, and his eyes were the bluest shade he’s ever seen, and his smile was infectious. It was the first time David could honestly admit to himself that maybe his feelings for Matteo weren’t exactly platonic anymore.

~/~/~/~

David got home from the hospital later than he expected, and he was fully prepared to get home to an angry Laura. He texted her that he left school, but his phone died, and he had no way of letting her know where he was. So when he walked into his flat, and Laura was standing in the kitchen, he knew he was in for it.

“Where the hell have you been?” Laura yelled at him.

“I was with Matteo. I would have called, but my phone died.” David explained, there was no reason to keep the truth from her.

“Matteo?” She asked, a little smirk on her face.

“Yes. I was with Matteo and his mom all afternoon.” David explained.

“I thought you two weren’t friends.” Laura said and David rolled his eyes.

“I can change my mind, can’t I?” David asked and she snorted.

“It’s more than that, it’s it?” She asked. Laura was always good at reading him.

“I think so.” David admitted. “It was just so easy with him this afternoon, and he trusts me. He trusts me with the most vulnerable parts of himself, it’s hard not to fall for him.”

“And have you been honest about your vulnerable sides?” Laura asked.

“Not all of them.” David muttered.

“Hard to start a relationship holding onto such a crucial part of who you are.” Laura reminded him. “And are you sure he’s gay?”

“Yea, he told me.” David said and Laura nodded.

“Okay, so what are you going to do?” She asked and David sighed.

“I have no clue.” David admitted and Laura patted him on the back.

“You’ll figure it out.” She smiled at him. He didn’t know what else to say, so he just nodded. The truth was, he didn’t know how to tell Matteo, he was scared about how he would react, but if he wanted something more with the boy, he would have to be honest, and that was also terrifying.

~/~/~/~

Matteo hadn’t shown up to school all week. David was worried. He knew it probably had to do with his depression, but he wanted to know. Or well, he wanted to know how he was doing, so when he saw Jonas in class he took the seat to next to him.

“Hey dude, what’s up?” Jonas asked.

“Hey, I haven’t seen Matteo all week, is he okay?” David asked, concerned.

“He’s having a tough time right now.” Jonas admitted. “His mom had a pretty bad episode earlier this week, and it kinda triggered his own.” Jonas explained.

“How bad?” David asked.

“I mean, they’re all pretty bad, but I haven’t seen Matteo have that severe of a panic attack in a long time.” Jonas explained. “It was terrifying, but I got him home, and haven’t really heard from him since.”

“Shit.” David whispered.

“I was going to bring his work to his flat this afternoon, if you’d like, you can take it.” Jonas offered.

“Uh, yea. I’d like that.” David admitted and Jonas nodded. He took. The folder out of his bag and handed it to the David.

“That’s most of it. He has one more class, but I’ll meet you after school to give it to you.” Jonas said.

“Thanks.” David said as he put the folder into his bag.

“When you get there, he’s going to reek of weed. Try to get him to shower, eat something, hide the rest of his stash, and make him take his meds. He gets into the deepest lows if he ignores them for too long.” Jonas explains.

“You’ve been through this a lot I can tell.” David said and Jonas nodded.

“He’s my best friend, I’d do anything for him.” Jonas admitted. David was about to say something else, when the teacher walked in. David tried to pay attention, but he just couldn’t. His mind was focused on Matteo the entire time, and he didn’t mind one bit.

~/~/~/~

David vaguely remembered where Matteo’s flat was, but he got there eventually. He buzzed twice, but when he didn’t get an answer, he had to wait until someone left. It didn’t take too long, maybe 10 or 15 minutes, but when he finally got in front of Matteo’s door, he got slightly nervous. He knocked a few times, but when nobody answered, he tried twisting the doorknob, and to his surprised, and slight concern, the door was unlocked. He made his way inside and over to where Matteo’s room was. He could smell the weed from outside, he found it incredible that his flat mates didn’t mind the smell, but they probably understood why.

“Matteo.” David said softly into the door. “It’s uh me, David.” He said hoping that he would be invited into his room. When he didn’t hear anything, he twisted the handle and let himself in. Matteo was on the bed, joint in his mouth, staring at the ceiling. “Matteo?” David said again, this time he looked over, his eyes were blood shot, and his face looked like he’d been crying. “Jonas told me what happened. I brought your homework.” He said as he lifted up the folder. When he didn’t do anything, David put it down and made his way over to the bed. “How many joints have you had today?” He asked. Matteo shrugged. “Do you think this could be your last one today?” He asked, Matteo was just looking at him, he thought he wouldn’t answer, until he saw him nod slightly. “Okay, good.” He smiled, he took it as a little victory. Matteo took one long drag, David couldn’t imagine how fried his throat must feel, but when he took it out, exhaled and put the joint on the table, it felt like a bigger victory.

“Hey.” Matteo said, his voice was rough, like he hadn’t spoken in days.

“Hi.” David said as he moved closer. “How are you feeling?” Matteo shrugged. “I know you don’t feel like talking, but I need more than a shrug Matteo. Thumbs up or thumbs down?” He asked and Matteo gave him a thumbs down. “Okay, is there anyway I can help? Do you want me to make you something to eat? Get you some water?” David offered.

“No.” Matteo simply said.

“Than can you take your meds? Jonas said you probably stopped taking them.” David had explained. Matteo’s eyes shifted from David to his bedside table where the bottle of his meds were. It was empty. “Did you run out?”

“Yea. A few weeks ago.” Matteo admitted.

“Why didn’t you get it refilled?” David asked concerned. Matteo shrugged again. “Matteo, you should have refilled them.”

“I know.” Matteo admitted. “I know, but I just didn’t have the time. I’ve been going to visit my mom more and more, and school has been crazy because of abi, and I just kept forgetting.” Matteo said, his breathing was becoming labored.

“Matteo, calm down. Take a few deep breaths.” David said, wanting to avoid a panic attack. Matteo wasn’t listening. David took his hands and placed them on his chest, he didn’t care if he could feel anything, he just needed to help. “Focus on my breathing. Follow after me.” David instructed and Matteo nodded. They sat there breathing together until Matteo finally got it under control. Neither of the boys moved. Matteo lifted his eyes until they locked with David’s.

“Sorry.” He finally said and David smiled.

“It’s okay.” David reassured him. “How can I help?”

“You can’t.” Matteo said sadly.

“I don’t believe that.” David said honestly. “Anything you need, just ask.”

“A new life?” Matteo asked, and he said it so sadly that David’s heart broke. “A father who gives a shit, and a mother who isn’t so depressed that she doesn’t try to kill herself.”

“Is that what happened?” David asked quietly.

“She’s been doing so good lately. I thought she was making good progress, and than I get a call saying that they had to sedate her, and put her under 24 hour suicide watch, and I just lost it.” Matteo explained. David moved so that he was now sitting on the bed with Matteo. “My dad called, told me that it would be better if I moved to Italy with him, but I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to leave when she needs me. I don’t want to be like him.”

“You aren’t Matteo. You being here, and taking such good care of her already makes you a better man than him.” David explained. He took Matteo’s hands in his to comfort him.

“Than why did she try to kill herself? Why does she always try to leave me?” Matteo asked softly.

“I don’t know Teo.” David said softly. “But she’s battling such terrible demons. And she’s trying. She really is, I can see it.”

“Why does everyone leave me?” Matteo asked, his voice breaking. David didn’t know what else to do so he pulled Matteo into his arms, and Matteo broke down. He just held him. Until he felt his breathing even out, and he knew he fell asleep. So David gently placed him down on the bed, kissed his forehead and put the blankets over him. He grabbed the pill bottle, and made his way into the living room to order a refill, and let Jonas know how he was doing. But there was one thing he knew, and that was he wasn’t leaving Matteo until he felt better.

~/~/~/~

It’s been hours. David had let Laura know where he was, let Jonas know what was going on, called the pharmacy to refill his prescription, went and got the prescription, and now he was making something to eat. He made enough for Matteo Incase he was ready to eat when he woke up. He was just sitting down at the table when he heard the floor boards creaking and a moment later Matteo entered the kitchen.

“Hey.” David said and Matteo blinked at him, clearly still waking up.

“You’re still here.” Matteo mumbled.

“Uh, yea. I didn’t want to leave you alone, but I figured you needed the sleep.” David admitted. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know. A little better I guess. Not as exhausted.” Matteo said.

“That’s good. Are you up for eating?” David asked.

“Not right now. I think I want to shower first.” Matteo said.

“Okay. That’s good too.” David said and Matteo nodded.

“Will you be here, when I get back?” Matteo asked, a little shyly.

“Yea. I’ll be right here.” David gestured to the kitchen.

“Okay. Cool.” Matteo said before disappearing around the corner. David took a deep breath. Baby steps. Baby steps were good.

He tried to keep himself occupied with his food while he heard the shower running, but he just got more and more anxious as time went by. There was something so vulnerable about seeing Matteo at his worst, but still also seeing the beauty in someone not holding back. Just letting them feel what they need to feel and not be ashamed of it. Matteo had openly cried in David’s arms, and when he walked into the kitchen he didn’t look ashamed of it, or embarrassed. He looked lighter. Like it was exactly what he needed to feel at the moment, and David was happy he was there for him in that moment. David was lost in his own mind that he barely registered Matteo walking back into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table.

“I want to say thank you.” Matteo said quietly. “For coming here, and making sure I was okay.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” David told him honestly.

“But I want too.” Matteo insisted. “It’s normally Jonas who comes to check on me, or Hans, and I appreciate it, I really do, but they have a tendency to treat me with kid gloves.” He explained. “Jonas has known me forever, and when I get into these low points, I think he starts seeing me as that little kid who would hide in the closet when his parents were fighting.” Matteo laughed, but David knew there was no humor in it. Matteo was picking at his finger nails, and David reached over and took his hands in his so that he wouldn’t make himself bleed. “And Hans has so eagerly taken on the role of a father to me that I think he over compensates for me when I’m down. It’s like they can’t tell me how they really feel because they feel like they’ll send me spiraling even more.”

“It hard, seeing the ones you love so physically depleted and void of life.” David explained. “Sometimes it’s easier to just do everything they want, and never say no, because they think it’ll make you better sooner.”

“But it won’t.” Matteo said. “Nothing helps. The meds stabilize me the best they can, but I’m dependent on them. I can never get off them.”

“That’s not a bad thing Matteo.” David said honestly. “Being on medication isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something you need, and if it works, who has the right to ever mock that?”

“My dad thinks it’s pitiful.” Matteo sighed. “He thinks I’m exaggerating.”

“Even with your mom in a psychiatric ward?” David asked.

“He thinks since I’m still young I can get over it.” Matteo said. “Like it’s that easy. If it were I would have gotten over it by now.”

“Not be rude here, but your dads an asshole.” David said and Matteo laughed. “Just because he doesn’t understand, and he never took the time to understand what you and your mom go through on a daily basis, doesn’t mean you are exaggerating or making it up.”

“Thank you.” Matteo said again. “For not treating me with kid gloves.”

“No problem.” David smiled at him. “Oh, I got these for you.” David said as he remembered the medication. He pulled the bottle out and placed it in front of Matteo, his eyes wide.

“You refilled my meds?” He asked, a little stunned.

“Yea. I just called and told them that you were due for a refill.” David explained. “It took a little convincing, and some major bullshitting, but after a very long and emotional conversation with the pharmacist, they let me refill and pick it up for you.”

“What the hell did you tell them?” Matteo laughed as he picked up the bottle and took one.

“I told them that I was your boyfriend, and that I had just gotten back from vacation when i found you in your bed and was told you hadn’t moved for a week.” David explained. “How you forgot to get a refill because your mother is in the hospital, and your dad ran off to Italy with his mistress, and how school was kicking your ass, and I think the woman was either so moved by my story, or so over it that she just let me do it.” He said and Matteo laughed.

“Nice.” Matteo said and David nodded. “Thank you.”

“You have to stop thanking me.” David said honestly. “Really, I’m glad I’m here.”

“Me too.” Matteo said and David couldn’t help but smile at him. Despite how long and emotional the day had been, he was glad to finally see Matteo smiling again.

~/~/~/~

It was very late now. David finally got Matteo to finish the plate of food he made for him, but he was proud he got through it. They had moved to the living room where they put on some movie that neither of them were paying attention too. They were both tired, and David felt himself drifting off every now and than.

“Do you wanna stay the night?” Matteo asked, sleepily from his spot on the couch.

“Uh, sure.” David said, because he wasn’t expecting it, but he knew he should have been considering how late it is.

“You can either share my bed, or sleep on the couch, but I should warn you, Hans gets in at the most ungodly hour, and he’s never alone, or quiet.” Matteo said and David laughed.

“I guess I can share your bed.” David said, and Matteo nodded. They made their way into his room and Matteo just curled up in bed. That’s when David realized that he would have to take his binder off to sleep. David was about to say something else when he noticed Matteo was already asleep. So he slipped into the bathroom, took his binder off, shoved it into his bag and put his oversized sweater back on. He looked in the mirror, and shrugged. There was barely any shape when he wore this sweater normally, so he figured it would be okay for one night. He made his way back to Matteo’s room and got in bed next to the sleeping boy. He switched the light on the bedside table off and he let sleep consume him.

~/~/~/~

David woke up and was surprised to feel pressure on his waist. He opened his eyes, and there were arms clinging around him. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and remembered that he was at Matteo’s. He tried to move his arms as gently as possible, but Matteo woke up.

“Sorry.” Matteo said sleepily. “I guess I get cuddly when I sleep. At least that’s what Jonas always told me.”

“Jonas?” David asked curiously.

“When we would have sleepovers, or he would stay when I wasn’t okay.” Matteo explained. “I guess he would wake up to me being extremely close to him.”

“Oh.” David said as he got off the bed.

“Are you okay?” Matteo asked, clearly noticing the shift in David.

“Yea. Of course.” David said, but it wasn’t very convincing.

“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” Matteo said and David sighed.

“It wasn’t that. I kinda liked it.” David admitted.

“Okay.” Matteo said as he shifted to sit on the end of the bed. David joined him.

“How are you feeling?” David asked.

“Better.” Matteo admitted. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” David said and they sat in silence for a moment. All David could hear was Laura in the back of his head.

“Uh, do you want something to eat?” Matteo finally offered.

“I should probably head home.” David said instead, and Matteo nodded.

“Okay.” Matteo mumbled, and David nodded. He stood up and grabbed his backpack and walked towards the door but before he opened it, he took a deep breath  and put his forehead against the door. It was now or never.

“Uh Matteo.” David said.

“Yea?” He answered. Deep breaths.

“There is something that I wanted to tell you.” David started as he turned around. Matteo was sitting on the bed, waiting for him to continue. “I’m sure you were probably wondering why I transferred so close to abi.” David started with. “I had to leave my old school because I was being bullied a lot, well more like tortured. God they made it unbearable to step foot in the school.” David said sadly. “I couldn’t stop it so I moved in with Laura.”

“I’m sorry.” Matteo said.

“It sucked. I was so alone, that when I transferred school, I was so hell bent on staying alone, than I met Leonie and Sara, and it was nice. Having friends.” David explained. “Than I met you, and everything changed.” David said, but he avoided looking at Matteo. This was hard enough, he didn’t want to make it harder. “You were nothing like I was told, and I have enjoyed getting to know you so much these last few months, and getting to know your mom. And I don’t want to ruin that.”

“You won’t.” Matteo said. “Whatever you have to say, you won’t ruin it.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know yet.” David said as he shook his head. “I like you Matteo. I like you a lot, and I’m afraid this will make you hate me.”

“Not possible.” Matteo said honestly. “I don’t think there is anything you could say that would make me hate you.”

“You don’t know that.” David said again.

“Than tell me, and I can show you.” Matteo said earnestly.

“I’m trans.” David said softy. Matteo said nothing, David knew that it would happen. “I’m going to go.” He said before anything else could happen, and before Matteo would respond, he was already out the door heading home. He didn’t want to hear what Matteo had to say, he didn’t think he could handle it.

~/~/~/~

When David got home Laura was in the kitchen cooking. He went over to the stools and took a seat and hung his head.

“What’s wrong?” Laura asked.

“I told him.” David said.

“And?” Laura asked.

“He didn’t say anything, so I left.” David explained.

“Did you give him the chance to speak?” Laura asked.

“I didn’t want to hear it Laura. It would hurt.” David said.

“People can surprise you David. You’d know that if you opened yourself up once in awhile.” Laura explained and David shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter. Whatever was between us, is over now.” David said with a sigh.

“How does that feel?” Laura asked.

“Sucks.” David admitted, and Laura nodded. “I’m going to bed.”

“It’s 11 am!” Laura called out but David didn’t care. He was tired, and he needed to sleep. He changed out of his clothes, and got in bed, put on some music and let the world melt around him. He was almost asleep when Laura walked in.

“What?” He asked and she smiled.

“Someone is here to speak with you.” Laura smirked and David’s eyes widened. He got out of bed, tried to make himself look presentable, but failed and made his way out to the living room area. There stood Matteo.

“Hey.” David said and Matteo turned around.

“Hey.” Matteo said. “You left.”

“You left.” David said, shocked that Matteo had left his flat.

“Yea, cause you left.” Matteo said. “You didn’t let me say anything.”

“I know what you’re going to say.” David said.

“No you don’t.” Matteo said. “You have no idea what was going through my mind.”

“The silence was enough.” David explained.

“The silence was me trying to figure out the right thing to say.” Matteo said. “I didn’t want to be rude, or offensive. I’m not very good with my words. I stumble over them, and I say the wrong thing, and you were so honest with me, I didn’t want you to regret telling me.” Matteo explained, and David was shocked. “What I wanted to say was that I like you too, a lot. And everything else is secondary.”

“Everything else is secondary.” David repeats, because he just can’t seem to believe it.

“Yea. I don’t know everything, I’m not the most educated person when it comes to being gay. I know I like you, and for me, that’s all that matters.” Matteo explained. “And that you like me too. That’s important as well.” He added and David laughed a little.

“And you’re sure?” David asked once more for reassurance.

“I’m sure.” Matteo said firmly.

“I don’t want anyone else to know.” David said honestly. “Not until I’m ready.”

“I wouldn’t tell anyone. It’s not my story to tell.” Matteo said and David smiled. “And I want to learn, I never want to say anything to hurt your feelings, so tell me when I’m being a shitty person.” Matteo adds, and David takes his hand and pulls him closer.

“You could never be a shitty person.” David says truthfully.

“You would be surprised.” Matteo said sadly. “My depression sometimes makes me a shitty person.”

“I’ll tell you when you’re being a shitty person, if you agree to tell me when I’m a shitty person.” David said. “Because I don’t know the first thing about helping someone with depression, so I might fuck up too.” He explained.

“I don’t know, you did a pretty amazing job the other night.” Matteo said with a smile.

“I was just doing what I thought would be helpful.” David shrugged. “I didn’t really know how to handle it. I’ve never been with someone who has depression before. It’s honestly a little terrifying.” He admitted.

“It’s going to get worse.” Matteo said flatly. “What you saw, that was a good episode. The bad ones -“ He stops and shakes his head.

“What about the bad ones?” David asked, wanting to know.

“The bad ones are bad.” Matteo said, and David couldn’t help but smile.

“I worked that one out myself.” He joked but Matteo didn’t laugh.

“The bad ones get so bad that I’ll say hurtful things.” Matteo said seriously. “Things I don’t mean at all. Things that I’ll wish I could take back, but I can’t.” He explained.

“I think I can handle it.” David said just as seriously.

“I’ll tell you I hate you. I’ll tell you leave me alone, and never come back.” Matteo said as he moved out of David’s arms. “I’ll talk about suicide. How I would do it, how I would enjoy it.” Matteo said and David felt like crying. “Than the anger disappears and the sadness takes over, and I’ll tell you I hate my life, that I wish I were dead. How sometimes I think about taking every pill in the bottle just to numb the loneliness I feel because it’ll never truly go away.” Matteo said, David had no idea why he was telling him this. “I’ll smoke entirely too much until every sense I have is dull and I can’t function. How I feel my chest collapsing when I have a panic attack, and when it’s over I’ll cry until my eyes are so sore it hurts to open them and my throat is raw.”

“Why are you telling me this?” David found himself asking.

“Because my dad put my mom in a psychiatric ward because he couldn’t handle it.”  Matteo explained. “The self destruction, the sadness, the anger, the fear, the pain, the loneliness, and the constant fighting.” Matteo hung his head. “I don’t want to be like that.”

“And why do you think we will be?” David asked as he stepped closer, he hated the distance.

“Because you’ll get tired of constantly taking care of me.” Matteo said, like it was set in stone, or written in the stars. “And you’ll leave, and I don’t think I could handle that.”

“You don’t know that.” David said honestly. “You don’t know what our relationship would be like. Because yea, it would absolutely suck hearing you say those things. It would hurt, but I would also know that you don’t mean them.” David tried to explain. “Because we all say shitty things, but it doesn’t mean we’re shitty people.”

“You don’t deserve to be put through that.” Matteo shakes his head.

“Don’t you think I should decide what I do and don’t get to go through?” David asked. “Look Matteo, I like you a lot, everything else is secondary.” He used Matteo’s line against him. He could’ve sworn he saw Matteo laugh.

“All I can do, is promise to tell you when I’m sinking.” Matteo finally said. “I can’t tell you how bad it’ll be, because I don’t even know, but I can tell you when I’m sinking.” He said and David smiled.

“And I’ll be there to try and help you float.” David said honestly. It would be hard, but not impossible. Matteo finally looked up and when they locked eyes, David could tell how draining that conversation was. How much energy Matteo had given to come here, and tell David that he also liked him a lot, and express his worries about their impending relationship. “Would you like to rest?” David asked and Matteo simply nodded. “Come on.” He took Matteo by the hand and lead him to his bedroom. Matteo took his shoes, and his jacket off and got into David’s bed. He was asleep in a minute. David joined him shortly after, and Matteo snuggled into his side almost immediately. David couldn’t get the smile off his face. He knew this relationship wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it.

~/~/~/~

It took a few days for Matteo to come back to school. David had been looking for him in the hallways, but every day he would get the text telling him he wasn’t going to be in. It sucked not being able to see him, but David also knew that Matteo had to take care of himself first. Make sure he was okay enough to come back to school, to function, and David understood that. David was sitting in the library during his free period sketching when he saw someone set books down across from him. When he looked up, there stood Jonas.

“Hey.” David said as he pulled his headphones off.

“Hey.” Jonas smiled. “I have been instructed to tell you to check your phone.” Jonas said and David looked up at him confused and grabbed his phone. Matteo had texted him, almost 40 minutes ago. He didn’t realize he had been so focused for so long.

From Matteo:

I’m not going to be in today, but I’m going to visit my mom later, would you like to come?

David smiled at the message, and Jonas laughed.

“I never got the chance to thank you for checking on Matteo last week.” Jonas finally said.

“You don’t have to thank me.” David said honestly. “I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

“I know.” Jonas smirked at him, David assumes Matteo told him about their new relationship status. “Luigi told me all about it, and I’m happy for you two.”

“Thanks.” David said happily. “Obviously we’re keeping it pretty low key right now.” David admitted, and Jonas nodded.

“I think that’ll change really soon.” Jonas said vaguely.

“What do you know that I don’t?” David asked and Jonas shrugged.

“See you around.” Jonas said and left abruptly. David shook his head and focused on his phone again.

To Matteo:

I’d love too. Pick me up at school?

From Matteo:

I’ll be there.

The bell rang and David put his phone away and packed up his sketchbook. He couldn’t wait to see Matteo after school. He felt like a giddy kid at Christmas the rest of the day.

~/~/~/~

When David practically ran out of the building after the last bell, he saw Matteo standing under a tree smoking. He made his way over to him, and realized that he was in his own little world, so he snatched the cigarette out of his mouth and stomped it out.

“Hey, I was smoking that.” Matteo said back in reality.

“Smoking is bad for you.” David said obviously.

“That was my first one of the day. You should be proud of me.” Matteo said and David smiled.

“I’m very proud of you.” David said honestly and Matteo smiled.

“Ready to see my mom?” Matteo asked as they made their way to the hospital.

“Yea. It’s been awhile.” David said.

“Yea. She’s doing really well today. At least that’s what Grace told me when i called.” Matteo admitted.

“That’s really good.” David said and Matteo nodded.

The rest of the trip to the hospital was quiet. David could tell Matteo was thinking about something, and he didn’t want to interrupt. When they were a safe distance away from the school though, David felt a little bold and took Matteo’s hand in his. As he interlocked their fingers, Matteo looked over and smiled at him before turning his attention away. David didn’t mind the quiet, as long as he got to hold Matteo’s hand.

They finally got there, and made their way down the familiar hallway to Matteo’s moms room. Matteo gave it three gentle knocks before he opened the door. His mom was sitting up in bed reading a book, the minute she saw the two boys, the happiness was overflowing out of her.

“My sweet boy.” She said as she put her book down. “And my sweet David, how I’ve missed you.” She said and David couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s good to see you mama.” Matteo said as he gave his mother a hug.

“It’s so good to see you to my sweet sweet boy.” She said so affectionately. It was hard for David to believe this woman would ever want to leave her son behind. But depression is a powerful thing. “And David, it’s been so long.” She said and David gave her a hug.

“It has. Too long.” David said and she smiled.

“Mama, I actually wanted to tell you something.” Matteo started as he rubbed the back of his neck. David could tell he was nervous, and than it clicked. He was going to tell her.

“What is it my love?” His mother asked, worried it was something terrible. But David knew Matteo’s mother was religious. They had a long talk about it one night, and David wasn’t sure how she would handle the news.

“Well - “ Matteo started, but it seemed like the words got stuck in his throat. David could tell this was really hard for him, and all he wanted to do was help him through it, so he took his free hand in his and gave it a squeeze. Matteo relaxed a little and took a deep breath. “David and I are dating.” He finally said and David saw his mothers eyes widened a little. “I’m gay.” He said, David could only guess for more clarification, he just didn’t know if it was for his mothers sake or not.

“Have you been together this whole time?” His mothers asks, and Matteo shook his head.

“It’s pretty recent.” Matteo explained. “About a week now.”

“Oh good.” His mother breathed out, and that confused David. “I would have felt like such a terrible mom for not noticing it sooner. How did it happen?” She asked, with a bright smile on her face, and David could tell Matteo felt lighter. Matteo took a seat on the edge of her bed, while David took a seat in the chair, and they began to tell her how they started dating. All about Matteo’s episode, and David helping him through it. Matteo obviously left out the part about David coming out to him, and he was grateful for that, not that he would think Matteo would tell his mother, but knowing that Matteo truly meant that he wouldn’t tell a single soul meant the world to him, and he felt like now that Matteo had told the one person who he truly loved most in the world the truth, they could finally start living it.

~/~/~/~

Matteo was at school the next day. David saw him across the courtyard, and he had an airiness about him. He looked happier, and David couldn’t help but feel like maybe he was partly responsible for that. Matteo had told him after they left the hospital that he didn’t want to hide anymore. That he didn’t care who knew, because he didn’t think he’d be able to keep himself away from David. David had agreed, but that he wanted to tell Sara and Leonie first. He felt awful lying to his friends, but it was necessary at the time.

“Why are you staring at him?” Leonie asked as she pulled David’s gaze away from Matteo.

“There is actually something I need to tell you two.” David said, it was now or never.

“What?” Sara asked.

“I lied to you before. About not knowing why Matteo broke things off with you.” David said to Sara.

“How come?” She asked, hurt filling her voice.

“Because it wasn’t something I could tell you at the time.” David explained. “And what I’m about to tell you might be a little bit of a shock, and I swear I didn’t do it to hurt you, it just kinda happened.” He rambled a little.

“Just say it David.” Leonie said growing impatient.

“Matteo and I are dating.” He said and the girls eyes widened.

“What?” They said in unison.

“You heard me.” David said, because he knew they did, they were just shocked.

“I - what - I don’t get it.” Sara stuttered out. “He’s gay?”

“Is this his way of coming out?” Leonie asked.

“He’s actually been out to his friends for about a year.” David corrected. “He just came out to his mom the other day, and thought it was time to stop hiding.” He explained.

“And how long have you two been together?” Leonie asked, he could tell she was slightly hurt by the news.

“It’s only been about a week.” David said. “But we’ve been friends for months. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but he needed to tell his mom first, and I wanted to respect that.”

“We aren’t mad.” Sara eventually said. “We’re surprised, yea, but not mad.”

“I’m a little mad.” Leonie said and David kinda laughed.

“That’s fair.” David admitted.

“Are you going to ditch us for him now?” Leonie asked.

“Of course not. You’re still my friends.” David said and the girls smiled.

“I swear if you become that couple though, the ones who can’t stop making heart eyes at each other, I will vomit.” Leonie said and they all started laughing, he looked at Matteo who looked in his direction at the same time and gave him a small wink before he turned back to Jonas and David smiled.

“Can’t promise you I won’t be that boyfriend.” David said and the girls started laughing even more. How could he not when Matteo made his insides all warm and fuzzy?

~/~/~/~

It’s been months since David and Matteo had gotten together, Abi had come and gone, and everyone was finally enjoying their summer. It was the last one before their lives truly got started, and they were living their lives to the fullest every single day.

For David, he truly couldn’t be more in love. He somehow got everything he thought he couldn’t have in Matteo, and the warmth, and love he received from him daily was a reminder that he could have the life he always pictured, Matteo was proof of that.

Of course they had their bad days. Matteo got so deep in an episode a couple weeks back that David hardly recognized him. It was tough seeing him in such a self destructive state, that David broke down in Laura’s arms because of it. He wanted so desperately to cling to Matteo and never let him go. To tell him he loved him beyond words, and whisper that everything was going to be okay, but Matteo wasn’t answering his calls, wouldn’t let him go over, and told him that he was breaking up with him. David was devastated, locked himself in his room for an entire day. It was the worst he’s every felt, and that was a hard thing to handle.

Thankfully when Matteo came out of his episode, he had run straight to David and told him that he was sorry, and that he wishes he could tell him that it wouldn’t happen again, but he just didn’t know if that were true, and he didn’t want to lie. That everything he said to him was a lie, and that he loved him more than he has ever loved anyone before. That he wants to spend every single day with him, and never let him out of his sight. That waking up together, and laying there for hours just soaking in each other was one of his favorite things to do. David had cried, Matteo had cried, and they had moved passed it. The thing about Matteo is, he’s so willing to forgive, that it made David want to be able to forgive just as easily. And he did. Every single time because Matteo was it for him.

They had their fair share of fights. Every couple did, but the strongest part of David and Matteo’s relationship was how willing they were to communicate and work their issues out. Matteo had never been a strong talker, but David found that if he gave him the room to gather his thoughts, that Matteo would literally bare his entire soul to him, he just had to give him the space to do it. David loved his life, and for the first time, he truly meant it.

“Are you nervous?” Matteo had asked him that night after they spend the entire afternoon hanging out with the boys.

“About what?” David asked.

“I don’t know, everything that the future holds?” Matteo whispered.

“Sometimes.” David admits. “But I also know I’ve never looked forward to something so much, that it’s less scary and more exciting.”

“I used to not think I had one.” Matteo said sadly. “And when my therapist made me think about it, I was exactly where my mom is now.” David had reached out to take Matteo’s hand in his. “It’s terrifying to think that the future is so beyond reach that all you can think about is death or a permanent stay in the hospital.” He laughed, but David knew how serious the conversation was.

“And now?” David asked. “How does it look now?”

“I don’t know.” Matteo said. “It’s still very muddy, almost like there is fog surrounding it. Like it’s there, but it’s so uncertain.” He explained, and David got it, he really understood that feeling. “But I know now that even if it is uncertain, I have a future, and that’s what matters.”

“You are going to so many amazing things in this life Matteo.” David said honestly. “I know you are.”

“And if I end up like my mom?” Matteo asked, worry clear in his voice.

“Than we’ll take it day by day.” David said. Matteo looked into his warm brown eyes, and David looked into his piercing baby blues. “Because there isn’t a future for me without you.” David said. “I mean, there is, but it’s not a happy one. It’s gloomy, and lonely.” He added, and Matteo laughed a little. “Every day is going to be different, but I wouldn’t want to go through it with anybody else. We all have our issues Teo, you just have to find the one person you want to work through them with, and the rest - well the rest is easy.” He said. And he truly believed it.

“I love you.” Matteo said after a few moments, and David couldn’t help but smile.

“I love you too.” David said. Matteo closed his eyes and snuggled closer to David. David couldn’t believe that a few months ago, this boy laying in his arms was the same boy who he had misjudged, and thought such horrible things about, but in this moment, he couldn’t picture his life with anybody else, and that’s the most beautiful part of their story.

Their journey.