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With a heavy heart, Hiccup sat in one of the chairs in their kitchen and stared unseeingly down at the cup of tea in his hands. He’d brewed it out of reflex, a natural reaction whenever he was upset. But today, it didn’t help at all. Maybe because he'd automatically prepared a second cup even though he knew that it wouldn't be needed. Or it was because he could hear Astrid rummaging about in the room next door, making it impossible for him to forget the reason for his anxiety.
Something was off.
It wasn't something he could put a finger on and it wasn't something new, either. He just felt it, deep in his heart. Astrid was in the process of leaving him, and he didn't even know why. Gods, he loved her so much! And he'd done everything to support her, hadn't he? After years of being friends with her, he knew her so well, knew that she was strong and independent, that she needed her freedom to flourish. So he hadn't pressured her into moving in with him after they’d gotten together a year or so ago, hadn't even brought the option up himself and instead had waited until she was ready. He hadn't minded her going out and meeting with friends, had even encouraged her to do so. He'd done everything to support her in her freedom, even though, deep inside, he'd sometimes wished to simply hold her, to spend more time with just her, to go on a date again, or just have a cosy film night together. Just to show her how much he loved her. But every time one of those urges to restrain her in any way had come up, he'd stomped them down, good and hard. For her. Because he didn't want to be one of those guys who controlled their girlfriend's every action. She was her own person, and it was good that way.
But somehow, he was still losing her. It was happening, right now, and he didn't know what to do to prevent it. Freya, he would crawl on his knees and beg her to stay if he thought it would help! But for weeks now, the distance between them had grown, the atmosphere noticeably growing colder despite his feelings still burning hot for her. He felt as if he'd disappointed her in some way, as if he'd done something wrong. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't think of anything. And it wasn't like her to simply hold a grudge like that anyway. If he'd done something wrong, then surely she would have let him know, and in no uncertain words no less.
He gasped, something like a low sob escaping him, and with trembling fingers, he wiped away the lonely tear that ran down his cheek. All this thinking wasn't doing him any good. All he knew was that he loved her, more than anything else in his life, and that he was losing her without knowing why. And it was killing him.
When he heard the door to their bedroom open and close, he flinched and quickly recomposed himself. He didn't want to let her see his pain, didn't want to put this kind of pressure on her. If she wanted to leave him... then hurting her by letting her see his pain was the last thing he wanted to do.
Mechanically, he stood up, leaving the by-now-cold cup of tea standing where it was, and walked over to their small corridor. Astrid was there, a small bag at her feet, certainly packed with clothes and other necessities. "You-you're leaving?" he asked in a hoarse whisper, barely daring to look her in the eye.
She took her sweet time to respond, not confirming or denying the true question when she did. "I'm going to Ruff's."
Hiccup nodded, gulping. "Will you... be back tonight?" It was a pathetic question. As if he couldn't live even one night without her. But, Odin, it wasn't so far off the truth. He didn't want to live without her, couldn't imagine going through his days without her warm smile and her witty comments, without seeing her beautiful sapphire blue eyes sparkle with joy or mischief.
But Astrid didn't answer – which was enough of an answer in itself.
He let his head drop, didn't want to see the resentment or pity or whatever else was showing on her face right now. He'd lost her, that thought alone hurt enough already. And because he'd lost her, it didn't matter whether he held back or not anymore, right?
"Is there... is there anything I can do to make you stay?" He hated himself for how much his voice was trembling, for the dampness in his eyes flowing over again.
Again, Astrid didn't respond though, and since he still wasn't looking at her, her suddenly standing right in front of him made him jump. Without his help, his eyes found hers, instantly drowning in them, just like always. She was so beautiful...
But there was something different about her eyes; they were red, bloodshot, her face around them swollen. As if she'd been... crying?
"Kiss me," she whispered, a deep pain in her voice that seemed to resonate with something deep inside him. "Kiss me like you mean it."
Hiccup reacted without even thinking about it. If he was losing her anyway and if this was what she was asking of him, then he wouldn't hold back this time. His hands darted up, cradling her face with his long fingers as his lips all but crushed down on hers. For once, for the first time in a long while, he wasn't mindful of guarding his feelings. Instead, he let them all pour out of his heart and through their kiss into her; all his longing and desire, all his love for her.
Astrid gasped against his lips, stumbling back a little, and Hiccup used her little slip up for his own advantage. With one hand dropping to her shoulder, he used her momentarily loss of balance to push her back a step or two, against the wall behind her. At the same time, his tongue pushed passed her lips, claiming her mouth, her breath, gliding along her tongue as if they were one.
He’d expected her to push him back as soon as she’d caught up with his actions, that she would slap him or maybe yell at him and then leave for him to never see her again. Even he felt as if he was crossing some forbidden boundary. But instead of fighting him…
She was kissing him back?
Hiccup’s mind went utterly blank when he felt her respond to his kiss, hands around him pulling him closer instead of pushing him away, when her fingers found their way into his hair, and at how she sighed as her tongue and lips were moving with his instead of against him.
Something like a flicker of hope flared up inside him, and he made a small step closer to her, all but pinning her against the wall now. The hand on her shoulder dropped down to her waist, his thumb caressing that thin stripe of bare skin there as the other tilted her head to deepen the kiss even further. It felt too bolt, like too much. As if he was crossing a line he’d never before dared approaching.
But it also felt just right. The way she moaned into his mouth and pressed her entire body against his, all but melting against him, pulling him even closer. Her hand in his hair sent shivers down his spine, tugging and scraping in clear search of more.
He wasn’t sure what that moment was, only that he wanted it to never end. But eventually, they had to breathe, gasping against each other’s neck as both refused to put any distance between them. “Please don’t leave,” he muttered against her skin, unable to keep himself from caressing her cheek with the tips of his fingers. He wasn’t even sure why he said it. Maybe it was the surprise over how eagerly she’d reacted still buzzing through his mind that made him utter those words, words he never would have said under different circumstances out of fear to put too much pressure on her. But right now, they seemed like the most sensible thing to say. He even pulled back, just a little bit, just enough to look her in the eyes and lose himself once more in them. “Please stay,” he breathed. “I… I love you, Astrid! And I don’t want to lose you.”
Again, he feared that he might come across as too pathetic, but at least Astrid didn’t seem to think so. Instead, her eyes were filling with a strange light, glowing brightly with something like hopeful joy, something Hiccup hadn’t seen there in a very long time.
“You do?” she asked, her voice trembling.
Hiccup’s face twitched, and he pulled away a little further to truly look at her. “Of course, I do!” he emphasised. “Astrid, you’re everything to me. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to put into words, more than anything else.”
Beneath his hand, Astrid’s expression crumpled, eyes closing as she leaned more heavily into his touch. There was a tear running down her cheek, but before he could react to that, she dropped her head, hiding it and those that might follow, and leaned against this chest instead.
“Astrid?” he asked, carefully. She seemed so weak, so soft and vulnerable. It was something he’d sometimes dreamed of, but not like this. He wanted to be strong for her, for her to be able to let herself go and relax – but not because of any pain he might have caused her in the first place. “Astrid, what’s up? Did… did I do something wrong?”
A strange sound escaped her, something between a sob and laughter, as she shook her head against his shirt. “No, it’s just,” she mumbled, then pulled back to look up at him again. “Why were you acting so weird then? I… I thought you didn’t want me here anymore, or maybe never wanted me here in the first place.”
Hiccup’s breath caught in his throat as he realised his mistake. “I… wanted to give you your freedom,” he murmured, trembling. “Didn’t want to give you the feeling I’d try to control you or anything. I…” he broke off when Astrid chuckled weakly.
“Oh, Hiccup,” she sighed. “Sometimes, you can be such an idiot.” She laughed, if a little shakily, and Hiccup decided that, despite the mild insult, he wouldn’t have minded listening to her laughter for eternity. “You know… if I want my freedom, then I’ll tell you so. Because I know you, and I trust you; you would never try to hold me back. It’s part of why I love you so much.”
Her words send a warm shiver down Hiccup’s back. She loved him. All this anxiety of the past weeks, all his worries and fears – and it’s all been for nothing. Exhaling shakily, he leaned his forehead against hers, his lips twitching into something of a smile. “So… what do you want me to do?”
She leaned more heavily against him, seeking contact wherever possible. “Just… show me that you care,” she whispered. “Kiss me like you kissed me before, like you want me. Hold me like you’re hoping I’ll stay here.”
When Astrid stretched to do part of what she’d asked of him herself, Hiccup didn’t hesitate for even one more heartbeat. His mouth was on hers, lips sliding against each other, teeth nipping and tongues exploring. With all dams broken down, his own feelings for her overwhelmed him, all the longing and desire, his love for her. He held her tight, kissing her like he’d never done before and putting all those feelings into his actions. He’d been an idiot before for holding back; he wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
Astrid was little better, clinging to him, and eventually, it dawned on him just how much of an idiot he’d been. Because she was feeling the same. It was in her every movement, in the way her hands tugged at his hair, how she pressed her body against his, how her tongue claimed his mouth with a determination he’d rarely felt before. But, Gods, he was hers, all hers to claim, to own. Forever.
. o O o .
“What’s up, sis? Why are you grinning like a moron? Not that you aren’t a moron, but usually you aren’t that obvious.”
Ruff threw her brother an annoyed look, but couldn’t help her mouth twitching back into a grin a moment later. “Thanks, bro, I hate you too. But just so you know, Astrid isn’t coming over after all.”
“What?” Tuff exclaimed, groaning. “So I cleaned up for nothing?”
Ruff just shrugged. “Well, it doesn’t hurt to occasionally clean up.”
“That’s your opinion. My back hurts very much from all the bending down.” He slumped down onto the nearby sofa, head falling back a cushion. “That’s it. I won’t do anything anymore today.”
Ruff rolled her eyes at her lazy idiot of a brother. He could be such a drama queen.
“And why did she change her mind?” Tuff eventually asked as he remembered why he’d cleaned up the living room with the sofa bed in the first place.
Ruff shrugged, again grinning. “Looks like they made up after all. Her message sounded pretty happy.”
“Told you H is all head over heels for her,” Tuff snorted, shaking his head. “All this drama… for nothing.”