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Phil guided Dan through the doors and onto the tube with a hand on his back. As they entered the car, he immediately noticed the gaze of several younger men fall on them but tried to ignore it, finding a seat. It was late. The two of them were just returning home after some drinks with some friends. They’d figured a cab would be unnecessary and walked to the nearest almost-barren tube station.
Dan leaned against Phil, head on his shoulder, a little tipsy and very tired. He obviously didn’t notice the way the group of boys across from them were snickering among themselves. Phil kept looking toward them, waiting for the fallout. They were whispering and laughing and looking at Dan and Phil. Phil didn’t like it.
“Oi fag—”
And there it was. Phil felt Dan tense beside him and heard him take in a sharp breath. He wanted to offer comfort, but that wasn’t exactly the best idea in this scenario.
“Would you stop looking at me and my mates? None of us want to get our dicks sucked by you,” one of the men said, and his friends giggled.
Dan shifted, looking over at the men. “Hey, fuck off,” he said, voice a bit less sharp than he probably meant it to be. “No one wants your dicks, trust me.”
“Well then tell your boyfriend to stop checking us out,” a man called back.
Phil set his jaw, looking away, determined to ignore them. Dan sighed, knowing that escalating the situation would only worsen it, and could put him and Phil in danger. He held his tongue and sat back, reaching to squeeze Phil’s knee.
“Jesus, stop hanging all over each other, it’s fuckin’ disgusting,” a man called to them.
As it was, Dan’s hand rested on Phil’s knee, and he sat closer to him than he might to a friend, but they were hardly ‘hanging all over each other.’ Dan bit his tongue again, looking down at his phone. He didn’t move his hand from Phil’s knee.
Then something hit Dan in the head. He flinched harder than the light hit warranted and cursed, looking up to see that one of the guys had thrown a pen at him.
“Mate, what’s your fucking problem?” he asked, throwing the pen back across the tube car at the boys.
“My problem is with faggots like you two walking around and dirtying up the streets!” he shouted, and his friends laughed, although a little less enthusiastically.
Dan felt a chill run through him, biting his lip. It was like fucking secondary school locker rooms, fists to faces, and words like that spit into his face. The words rang in his ears, familiar in the most unsettling way. He was filled with the overwhelming fear that he was about to be hurt.
Phil watched as the color drained from Dan’s face, his fight gone. He swallowed, knowing this was bad.
Dan was loud, he was opinionated, he was brave, and he always had a sense of fight about him. Not in a bad way, in more of a ‘grabbing life by the horns’ way. He was energetic and emotional, and it was amazing.
Except in times like this.
When the word ‘gay’ started to feel like a curse again. When his self-hatred was given a chance to creep back up. When the shock of the cruelty of the world sunk into his system, leaving him frozen. When the feelings he felt years ago replayed in his mind, vivid as ever.
Phil had seen this enough times. Seen Dan’s triggers send him into episodes, some depressed, some angry, and some like this. These were almost the scariest. Dan almost felt vacant.
“Oi, fairies got nothing to say to that? Figures,” the boy said, giving a shrug. “Just do us all a favor and keep your freak asses out of the streets.”
Phil swallowed. He wasn’t an angry person by any means. He always tried to give the benefit of the doubt. But, god. Phil wanted to shout at them or say something snide, but his anxiety kept him still. Anyway, he knew much better. He’d seen queer people who had been hurt terribly, attacked, murdered for much less.
Besides, Dan was about twenty times more vulnerable now, so Phil didn’t care when the next stop wasn’t theirs. He needed to get Dan away from the boys across the tube.
“We’re getting off here, come on,” Phil murmured to Dan, standing up.
Dan looked at him blankly, and Phil wasn’t sure if he’d heard what Phil had said. Dan stood up and followed Phil, though, and they hurried out of the station, Phil guiding Dan.
Safely out of the underground and sure that the boys hadn’t gotten off after them, Phil sat Dan down on a bench. Phil’s hands were shaking a bit with his own anxiety, and he sat beside Dan.
“I’ll just call us a car,” Phil said, mostly to himself. He knew Dan wasn’t quite listening. He set a hand on Dan’s knee, and Dan didn’t react more than a glance toward it.
Phil took in a deep breath. It’d be okay when they got home. They were fine. They hadn’t been hurt. Well, …not physically. He pulled up a service and ordered a car, trying to send Dan a reassuring smile.
Dan watched Phil, feeling like he was a bit far behind his own eyes. He wasn’t sure if this was disassociation or regression or the build-up to a breakdown. He just knew he felt weird. He… he did feel small, young, afraid, vulnerable. He couldn’t come back to his body enough to express anything or even properly feel anything.
The car pulled up quickly, which Phil was thankful for. “Here we are,” Phil spoke quietly, standing. Dan followed suit, and Phil gently placed a hand on his lower back to lead him to the car, opening the door for him. Phil climbed in after him, politely greeting the driver. Dan remained quiet the entire drive home, gazing out of the window.
Phil had to mention his name a few times after they stopped before Dan looked over and followed Phil out of the car and into their apartment building. Phil’s hands were still shaking a bit when he took out his keys and unlocked his door.
The wave of relief that came with closing the door behind them and being back at home felt tangible. Phil hung the keys and immediately turned to Dan.
He moved to meet Dan’s eyes, bringing a hand to cup his cheek. “Dan?”
Dan met his eyes, and a bit of the fog in them cleared. Phil held his gaze until it began to seem that Dan was looking at him rather than through him.
“Hey,” Phil said when it seemed like Dan was actually seeing him.
“Phil,” Dan breathed, shaky and uncertain.
“Are you alright?”
Dan looked at him. He didn’t say anything, wrapping his arms around himself. His lips parted and closed a few times like he was trying to form words. Phil stood and waited.
Eventually, he managed ever-so-quietly. “D-Daddy.”
Phil smiled sadly, dragging a thumb beneath Dan’s eye. “Alright,” he said quietly. “That’s okay,” he promised. He reached to take Dan’s hand. “Come with me, baby.”
Dan followed as Phil led him down the hallway and into their bedroom. He sat Dan down on the bed.
“Want your sweaty clothes off, sweetheart?”
Dan didn’t reply, looking at the ground.
“I’m going to take your shirt off, okay?” Phil said softly, reaching for Dan’s shirt. Dan lifted his arms, and Phil understood that as his consent. He pulled the t-shirt off.
“Jeans?”
Dan stuck his legs out, and Phil unbuttoned his jeans, shimmying them off.
“There we are,” Phil murmured. “Would you like some PJs?”
Dan nodded, not meeting Phil’s eyes.
Phil picked out Dan’s long women’s style nightie and a pair of their own branded merch pants. Dan let Phil pull the t-shirt over his head, twisting his arms to find the sleeve holes. Phil pulled on his pants as well, and Dan stood to pull them up around his waist.
“Feel better?”
It did, and he nodded gratefully. He swallowed and sat back down on the bed.
“What would you like to do now?” Phil asked softly, sitting beside him.
Dan didn’t respond, staring at the ground. He blinked rapidly, holding back tears.
“Would you like to talk about it?”
Dan shook his head.
Phil tilted his head to find Dan’s eyes, where he hung his head. “Do you just wanna cry?” Phil asked, voice gentle. “Sometimes it helps to have a bit of a cry, doesn’t it?”
Dan sniffled and shook his head again. He leaned into Phil, burying his face in Phil’s shoulder. Phil wrapped an arm around his back, holding him close.
Phil was still a bit shaken up himself, but his main worry was Dan. While Phil had received his fair share of homophobia, he had to admit that Dan had fallen victim to it on many more occasions. Even now that Dan was doing so well and had found confidence and pride in all parts of his identity, he couldn’t help getting knocked down by occurrence like this. Phil was just angry that such occurrences still occurred.
“Can you speak to me at all, Dan?” Phil asked with a small frown.
Dan looked his face over once before burying his face in the pillow he held and shaking his head again.
Phil held back a sigh, knowing that this meant Dan had been properly triggered, that he might have memories flashing through his head and that he might have gone a bit nonverbal with the panic or the regression.
“It’s okay, that’s alright,” he promised, because it was, even if it scared him. “I won’t make you talk,” Phil admitted. “But you’ll have to deal with getting an earful of my, uh, my pointless ramblings.”
Dan’s lips turned up a bit at this, and he snuggled further into Phil. Phil felt safe and big, as Dan laid against his chest. He just wanted to be scooped up, held close, loved, safe.
Dan tensed in Phil’s arms. He whined softly, wanting something. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, as he pressed his head roughly into Phil’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut. But, he wanted something.
“Hey, hey,” Phil breathed, bringing a hand up to pet Dan’s hair. “What, darling? What is it?”
Dan just pouted, shaking his head against Phil. He held onto Phil tightly, frustration growing. He needed something, but he wasn’t sure what. He just buried his face in Phil’s shoulder, hoping Phil would figure it out for him. Phil always knew how to take care of him.
Phil rubbed Dan’s back, trying to understand precisely what he wanted. He was tense, restless, whimpering softly against Phil’s chest. Phil just needed to get him to relax, as he was clearly agitated and upset.
Phil mentally listed the things he knew calmed Dan down. Piano playing. Dan was too small for that. TV shows. He didn’t want to distract Dan from reality so much as he wanted to ground Dan. Coloring books. A good idea, but he wasn’t sure that Dan wanted to let go of him yet to do anything independently.
A bath.
“You want a bath, hun?” Phil asked softly, running his fingers through Dan’s curls.
Dan seemed to melt at the idea. The tension left his body so that he fell heavily against Phil. He nodded his head, where he was nestled in Phil’s shoulder. Phil smiled a little.
“Alright, let's do that. Shall we get up?”
At this, Dan tensed again, whining against Phil’s shoulder.
“Dan, love, I can’t hold you,” he said with a small chuckle. While Dan was mentally quite little, he was still a quite large person. So much so, that he had to tuck up his knees beneath himself just to cuddle with Phil the way he was.
Dan whimpered softly, eyes squeezed shut, and Phil frowned. He hadn’t seen Dan regress this badly in a long time. He was small and upset and confused, and Phil realized that he had to be the strong and firm lead for Dan to follow. He had to be the voice of reason here.
“Dan.” Phil's voice was quiet but a bit firmer than it had been. “I need you to climb off me, so we can go have a bath.”
Dan sniffled again, pulling back. He paused and quickly returned his head to Phil’s chest, whimpering.
Phil tapped Dan’s bum, where it sat in his lap. “Don’t you want to have a bath, baby?” he asked.
Dan nodded again.
“Then I need you to stand up for me. You can hold my hand if you like,” Phil said.
Dan pouted but pulled back. He held up a hand, and Phil took it in his own. Dan then slowly crawled off Phil and the couch to stand. His shoulders curled inward, and he cast his gaze downward.
Phil stood, squeezing Dan’s hand. “Thank you,” he said. “C’mon.”
Phil led a slow Dan down the hallway and into the bathroom. Once there, he sat Dan down on the closed toilet. He went to let go of Dan’s hand to run the bath, but Dan cast his wide eyes up to look at Phil and pouted, squeezing Phils hand tighter. Phil made do, working with just one hand free. He adjusted the tap’s temperature and plugged the drain.
“You wanna pick out a bath bomb, love?” he asked, knowing that Dan enjoyed the simple pleasure of a good bath bomb while little just as much as, if not more than, usual.
Dan smiled a little bit and nodded, so Phil sat on the floor and tugged on Dan’s hand to get him to follow. They opened the cabinet beneath the sink, and Phil pulled out a selection of bath bombs. Dan picked out a green one, and Phil went to check the water.
Deeming it warm enough, Phil turned off the tap. He assisted Dan in shedding his pajamas, setting them aside for when he was done. Dan dipped his feet into the bath, climbing in slowly. When he was fully submerged from the waist down, Phil handed him the unwrapped green and blue bath bomb to drop into the water.
Dan seemed a bit pleased as he watched the bath bomb dissolve and color the water, but he maintained a far off look. Phil hoped that his touches would help to ground Dan and bring him back out of his head.
When the bath bomb had fully dissolved, Dan pouted. He looked up at Phil, eyes wide, asking for something.
“Yes, love?” Phil asked.
Dan pointed to the bottle of bubbles sat beside the bath.
“Bubbles?” Phil asked, picking up the blue bottle.
Dan nodded, and Phil poured some of the soap into the water. He turned the tap back on and stirred it around to make bubbles.
Dan smiled a bit at this, occupying himself with collecting bubbles in his hands and placing them on his arms and chest. Phil smiled softly.
“Shall we wash your hair?” Phil asked.
Dan stopped to think for a moment, then nodded he seemed to be coming back to himself a bit. The water felt warm and comforting, Phil’s voice was soft and steadying, and he was beginning to feel much more comfortable.
“Dip your head back for me,” Phil said. “Gotta get your hair all wet.”
Dan brought his knees up to lean fully back and dunk his curls beneath the sudsy blue-green water. Phil reaches to push some of his hair back, making sure it all got wet enough. When Dan sat up again, Phil reached for the shampoo and squirted a bit in his palm.
As he rubbed the suds into Dan’s hair, he began to absent-mindedly hum a melody, realizing after a few seconds that he’d subconsciously chosen the theme song to the anime they’d been watching together.
Dan listened, eyes falling closed, as Phil hummed the upbeat theme song. His fingers massaged his scalp gently as he washed Dan’s hair, and Dan was a little bit sad when Phil pulled his hands away.
“Rinse?” Phil asked, reaching for the showerhead.
Dan’s eyes were still closed when he nodded.
Phil gently lifted Dan’s chin so that he would tilt his head back before he began to wash the suds out of his hair. He ran his fingers through Dan’s wet hair, which was already curling up. “There,” he murmured gently.
Dan opened his eyes, and he leaned back against the back of the tub. He gathered some bubbles up in the water again, moving them into different designs. Phil let Dan entertain himself and relax, sitting beside the tub. He put a hand on Dan’s knee, where it peeked out of the water and stroked his thumb over it. He felt himself relax a bit as he realized Dan was relaxing.
“Daddy?” Dan asked after a few moments, his voice quiet
Phil hummed. “Yes, baby?”
Dan swallowed. “F-feel weird.”
He sounded soft and a little bit choked up.
Phil looked up to meet his eyes. “Yeah? How so, love?” He squeezed Dan’s knee.
“I—I’m…s-scared.” Dan averted Phil’s gaze, looking down at the bubbles in the water.
Phil bit his lip. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to be scared here at home, baby,” he promised, rubbing Dan’s knee. “You’re always safe here.”
Dan glanced up at Phil and smiled a bit. He looked bashful but also determined, and he smiled a bit more. “Safe and sound?”
Phil couldn’t help but smile back. “Yeah. Safe and sound.”
Dan swallowed again, looking back down. “‘M all done, daddy,” he said quietly.
“Okay, baby,” Phil answered, reaching to pull the drain plug. He pressed a kiss to Dan’s forehead and sat beside him as they both watched the colored water and suds go down the drain.
Phil gave Dan a final rinse off with the showerhead before grabbing a big fluffy towel. He stood, opening the towel, wrapping it around Dan’s shoulders when Dan stepped out of the tub.
Phil dried Dan off with rubs and pats and giggles, ruffling Dan’s hair with a towel. Dan’s giggles became louder and happier, and Phil grinned. He pulled the nightshirt over Dan’s head again and helped him step into his pajama pants.
Dan gave a yawn. “M’sleepy,” he murmured and leaned into Phil, wrapping his arms around his neck.
Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “Want to lay down upstairs? We can watch something in bed.”
“Yes, please,” Dan breathed.
Once they were settled into bed, Dan moved to snuggle himself up against Phil. Phil wrapped an arm around him and pulled up a TV show. Dan’s hair was still a bit wet where it laid against Phil’s shirt, but Phil didn’t mind,
“Daddy,” Dan breathed before Phil could press play on a Winne the Pooh episode.
“Yeah?” Phil asked, turning to press a kiss to Dan’s head.
“Earlier on the tube? That was...really scary,” he said.
Phil bit his lip, stroking Dan’s arm. “I know it was,” he agreed. “You were really brave, you know that? I’m proud of you.”
“You were too,” Dan said, nuzzling his head against Phil’s chest.
Phil smiled. “Thank you, baby.”
“Th-thank you for taking care of me. Right now and—and earlier,” Dan said.
Phil knew he was referring to Phil getting the both of them off the tube and home safely. “Of course,” he said softly.
“Those people were meanies,” Dan breathes, pressing his head harder into Phil’s chest, the way he often did when cuddling while upset.
“They were,” Phil agreed. “I’ll always take care of you, though. Just like you take care of me, baby.”
Dan smiled, relaxing against Phil. “I know. I love you.”
Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s head once again. “I love you too, Dan.” He pressed play on the show, and Dan relaxed again, giggling softly as he watched the show. After just half an episode, he was fast asleep against Phil’s chest. Phil wasn’t long after, falling asleep as the end credits rolled.