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It was quiet in the bunker. Silent.
Dean was gone- most likely dealing with the whole abbadon situation. But mainly because he wasn’t welcome at the moment.
Sam was… supposed to be healing; so Castiel broke the eerie silence by leaning against the table next to where Sam was hunched over a book.
“Sam. It is nearly 2 in the morning. Your body requires sleep to heal itself, at this rate you may regress even.”
“I know, I know Cas, just five more minutes…” Sam said in a tone that indicated that he had not really listened to what Castiel had said. He was sucked into a certain chapter about the lore behind the knights of hell.
Castiel was pretty sure Sam had read that same book twice, if not more times, already.
He sighed and pushed the book closed over Sam’s studious finger. “Sam- If you want to help with abbadon, the best way would be to get back into ‘fighting shape’ as Dean says. You are working counterproductive to any efforts to do so by not letting your body rest.”
Sam had kept his hand in the book to hold his place. He was a little annoyed by Cas’s motherhening, and showed as much in his glance at the book and glance back at Cas to indicate for Cas to remove his hand from the top of Sam’s book. Sam pushed it back open and stuck his notebook in to hold his place. “Cas, whatever Dean told you to do- he doesn’t get to tell me anything anymore. Not after that shit he pulled.”
“Sam- Dean is not telling me to do anything. I am simply concerned about your health.”
Sam could see and hear the hurt in Castiel by his assumption and he immediately felt like an asshole. “Sorry Cas I… I’m just…” Sam let out a defeated sigh at himself. He was just so used to Castiel carrying out Dean’s interests that he couldn’t help but feel like his brother was babysitting him by having Castiel here.
“Sam, I am human now. And since I am not fluent at being human yet, I will need to stay in the bunker for a little while longer-”
“Cas this is your home too-”
“-and until then, and most likely after that even, I will still feel concerned for you without Dean ordering me to do so.” He finished, with a surprising amount of indignation and sass throughout.
They were at a considering silence for a moment.
“Well-” Sam started again, the tone indicating a new conversation . “I guess it is getting pretty late… or… early, rather.”
Castiel nodded as Sam stood up. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and some flannel pajama pants that they had stolen from Dean’s room. Sam had offered him some clothes, but they were a size or two too large for Cas.
“How is that going by the way- being human I mean.” Sam asked as Castiel followed him in the direction of their rooms.
“Well… there are things that I have watched you and Dean do that I understand… and things that I have seen you do but do not understand. I am… figuring things out as they come up.”
Sam nodded.
“Such as cooking- I have only been managing sandwiches and today I expanded that to macaroni and cheese from a box. Although I have seen Dean cook- with flourishes of him throwing things into the pan- dried herbs and spices; but I opened the spice drawer today and was astonished by the variety of options. I tried to put some rosemary in my macaroni but… I did not enjoy it. I will have to do more research as to how to use spices.”
They reached Sam’s room and Sam began to unbutton his flannel as he talked, Cas standing the door frame. “You know Cas- I’m a terrible cook but if you want me to show you anything or have any questions I can probably answer them too. I… kind of understand spices. I have no idea what Dean uses to make his omelettes and roast chicken so good, but I know the basics.”
“Thank you, Sam.” Castiel’s face softened in genuine appreciation for the offer.
Then Sam pulled off his undershirt to replace it with a fresh one and Castiel felt a swirl of emotions in his gut.
The man was strong- his biceps were large, his chest and abs were also still fairly muscular- but the man was also very pale and had quite a bit of bruising littered about his body.
He surged forward without thinking and put a hand on Sam’s chest
“Sam- are these new?” he inspected a few more on Sam’s stomach and side.
“Um… some of them. Some of them are older and just look worse because they're starting to yellow- “ a sharp intake of air through Sam’s teeth signaled Castiel had brushed a sensitive spot
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. But- Cas?”
“Yes?” Cas finally looked up to Sam’s face only to realize how close to Sam he really was- and yet he felt frozen in the spot he was in- seeing the detail in Sam’s hazel eyes, the bit of stubble on his face, as well as how tired he really looked. Castiel’s hands were still resting on Sam’s chest.
“I’m alright- really. I don’t even feel’em.” Sam didn’t remove Castiel’s hands but he had a reassuring expression.
“Right… “ Castiel let his hands fall and took a few steps back from Sam. “Although you should do… first aid on them? If you can… what do humans do when they bruise?”
Sam recovered from the strange closeness and grabbed a sleep shirt to pull on. “Ice them- I guess I can tomorrow. They really aren’t that bad though.” Everything in Sam’s tone was dismissive- it made something else stir and prod in Castiel’s gut.
“Sam- I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been in lately as you try and heal from the trials. Gadreel definitely helped with the internal burns but… I’m sure you’re in some pain… I wish… I wish I could heal you.”
“Cas, I’m glad you're here- Angel or not. With me and Dean- the way things are… I’m glad I can have someone to rely on. That’s plenty.” Cas nodded sorrowfully, still wishing he had his powers. “Beside… more angel mojo is the last thing I really want touching my body right now…”
He had added the last comment in a mumble, like a throwaway comment, but sharing the thought aloud still made him feel so ridiculous. After all they had been through… he still felt so violated. Lucifer- that was his problem. He made the choice, so he had to correct it. He wouldn’t change a thing. But with the trials… he made the choice, and then Dean allowed someone into him. Someone else was in control, again. He had been manipulated by demons for most of his teenage life and here was the one person whom he had trusted completely- who manipulated him into a choice that was his to make.
They stood there in miserable silence for a moment. Both of them wishing for things that they couldn’t have. Complete trust in anyone ever again, and strength that had defined their existence stripped away so easily.
“Have you brushed your teeth already? That’s important to remember.” Sam broke them out of their thoughts. He was starting to feel the exhaustion weighing on him now and suddenly couldn’t wait to fall asleep.
“I… I thought we only had to do that once a day.” Castiel said as Sam abandoned his belt and jeans on the floor near his dresser.
He tried to smother his amusement, “Um, no. You normally do it when you wake up and before you go to sleep.” He slipped his sweatpants over his boxers.
“Doesn’t-.. Or… didn’t Jimmy know these things?” He asked casually.
“Well.. he most likely did but… before he and his memories ascended to heaven I had no need for the information so I didn’t commit it to my own memory.” Castiel sighed as they walked towards the bathroom. “I have only my angelic memory to rely on- which can recall key points in creation but does not know the intricacies of dried herbs.” Castiel and Sam shared a smile at the irony.
Sam grabbed his toothbrush from the cup on the counter. “Where’s your toothbrush?” He asked as he grabbed the toothpaste from the drawer.
“I had been using that one.” Cas replied.
Sam’s eyes slowly rolled to Castiel’s reflection in the mirror. “This one?” He asked, holding his own toothbrush.
“Yes.” Castiel repiled. A hint of confusion creeping into his tone.
“Cas-” He tried to quelled his aversion “Gross.” He chucked the toothbrush into the trash can and reached down to the bottom drawer to pull out two packaged toothbrushes. “Rule 1 of brushing your teeth- have your own toothbrush. Sharing is- not hygienic.” Sam was still pretty grossed out; Castiel had been in the bunker for at least three days now.
“Oh. I was not aware of that.” Castiel replied, a slight bit of blush in his cheeks.
“It’s fine… just- don’t tell Dean.” Castiel looked confused again at that comment but Sam didn’t want to have to explain it. He didn't want to give his brother the material though. His own cheeks were rather red by now. He shook off the feeling and ripped open the packaging on his new toothbrush. Castiel took a step forward to stand side by side Sam at the counter as he ripped into his own.
Sam ran his toothbrush under a splash of water and squirted out some toothpaste, shoving it in his mouth. He handed the tube to Castiel who did the same, if a bit slower.
They brushed, as Sam thought about how strange but pleasant it was that they were brushing their teeth together.
Castiel was thinking about how strange it was that the human body didn’t have a mechanism to better do this on it’s own, and what that might be were there one.
Sam spit and rinsed out his mouth, moving aside so Castiel could as well.
“Okay- mouthwash.” He mumbled to himself as he pulled it out from under the sink. He liked to keep the counters clear in case they needed a surface for first aid materials- which it was pretty often that he was sitting there with bloody hands stitching up his arm or something.
“Oh- I didn’t realize there was something else needed.” Castiel said as Sam poured a bit into the cap of the bottle.
“Well, it’s optional, and they aren’t all the same, but this one has fluoride which helps prevent cavities and stuff.” Sam shrugged and threw back his cap full, swishing it around. He handed the bottle and cap to Cas.
Cas sniffed it- it smelled quite refreshing. He threw back a cap full like Sam did and swished it a little bit before swallowing it. He’s curious why they didn’t drink this more often if it was good for them and tasted good. He looked back at Sam who had his eyebrows up to his hairline. Sam spit his out quickly- oh Castiel registered too late. “Cas! Sorry- I guess I should have let you know not to swallow it.”
“… Is that… bad for me?” Castiel asks, a little worried at Sam’s worry.
“Um… I think it should be fine. We didn’t really use this as kids- but I doubt they would let people use something that could kill them…” Sam pulled out his phone and did a quick search before letting out a sigh of relief. “Yeah you’ll be fine- you just might get a stomach ache.”
Castiel nodded slowly, his brow furrowed. “Well- it’d be a shame to die on only my fourth day being human, so that’s a relief.”
“Fifth.”
“Hm?”
“It’s already wednesday so now it’s been five days since…since you became human.” Sam’s eyes shifted away, trying not to bring up any other hurtful details.
“I see.” Castiel set a hand on Sam’s shoulder noticing Sam had a dazed expression- his head snapped to Castiel, but Castiel was relieved when he didn’t jump under his touch. “We should probably get to bed then.” Castiel yawned- as if his body was making his point for him. It was such a strange thing to see on the ex-angel, as well as it was still a sensation Castiel wasn’t used to. “I dislike yawning- it’s like I’m inflating and deflating.”
Sam chuckled a little through his own yawn. “Also- they’re contagious.” He pointed at the tail end of his own yawn.
“Oh… sorry.” Cas sounded sincere, which just made Sam grin harder and shake his head as he flicked off the bathroom light.
--
When they got to Sam’s room Castiel bid him goodnight and went a few doors down to what was now his room.
Sam read for a little while (he was reading vonnegut and it was simultaneously confusing and hilarious) and then turned out his lamp and laid there. And laid there. And laid there. And turned over. And laid there. And turned back over. And tried to get comfortable. And laid there.
And eventually the strain his body had been under the last few months proved exhausting enough to win out over his insomnia.
--
Yelling. Screaming. Castiel was on his feet trying fumbling to grab an angel blade within 10 seconds of jolting awake. Tiredness was a terrible feeling- he knew why Dean and Sam woke up the way they did now with half-open eyes and dragging feet as well as why they guzzled caffeine. But Castiel’s adrenaline made him wide awake now.
He tried to calm his body down as he took quick strides to Sam’s room. He had left his angel blade back in his room; He knew what was happening.
He opened the door to Sam thrashing in his bed. He yelled Sam’s name, but it didn’t seem to register.
“Get the hell out!” He heard the phrase yelled in slurred enochian.
Castiel decided to shake Sam by the shoulder in order to pull him out of the nightmare.
He got a fist in the face.
He groaned as Sam sprang awake.
“Castiel! Shit! I’m sorry!” Cas felt Sam’s hand on his own arm- but Sam was shaking fiercely.
He seemed to realize he was speaking in enochian. Sam’s lips shut and he let himself stiffly lean back onto his arms on the bed, he was pale and freaked out, his eyes distant.
“Castiel. Sorry” He said in english- slowly. Hollowly. “Sorry.” He repeated- just to hear himself say it.
He then seemed to realize Castiel’s nose was bleeding and grabbed a few tissues from the box next to his bed.
“Here put these under it and hold the bridge tightly- it will help stop the bleeding.” He still sounded kind of hollow- he was speaking slowly and enunciating each letter. Castiel was watching him with uncomfortable curiosity but his brow was furrowed as he tried to pinch the bridge of his nose.
--
As things seemed to de escalate Sam came back to his senses and was extremely sorry about punching Castiel. He went to the kitchen and came back with a small rolled up bag of frozen peas. Castiel was sitting on his bed, the lights on now.
“Here put this on it- to ice it.” Castiel let out a small gasp as the cold was sweet release to the ache. That seemed to make Sam’s ‘kicked puppy look’ (as Dean describes it) increase. “I’m really sor-”
“It’s alright Sam, you don’t have to apologize again. I understand you did not do it on purpose.” Sam seemed to swallow any other apologies with a nod. He sat down next to Castiel, their shoulders just far enough away to not brush.. Castiel could still see Sam was shaken up from the events, either in his dream or when he awoke. Probably both.
They let a silent moment pass.
“It sounded like… It was about gadreel.” Castiel inquired.
Sam nodded.
“Is that why you punched me? Because in the dream you were fighting him?”
A beat. Sam swallowed.
“Well, when Crowley came in to- bring me back to awareness or whatever, it was like a physical fight. But when I tried to move my body in the dream… he was in me and he was in control. It felt like I- like I was underwater or something as he… as he killed Kevin, and Dean… and you.”
Sam admitted with his hands rubbing together far to hard- one thumb pushing into the other hands palm a few times.
Castiel wasn’t sure what to say- any reasurances he might offer would likely fail, so he explained what he could. “Ah, it was most likely the push and pull of souls and grace but I can see why your mind would envision it that way.”
Sam shuddered and Castiel leaned a little closer so their shoulders brushed, as to offer comfort or grounding
Sam seemed to settled with great relief against Castiel, until he was almost leaning he full weight against him.
Castiel attempted to change the subject from Gadreel. “How come I never knew you knew enochian Sam? We could have been talking behind Dean’s back right in front of him this entire time.” He tried to joke- it fell a little flat and sad though.
Sam gave him a ghost of a tug on his lips- which even seemed like a large amount of effort.
“I can’t.”
“But-”
“Cas.” He snapped, his tone dark and harsh.“I can’t.”
So Castiel didn’t push. Sam didn’t look at him. A moment later he felt Sam take a breath in and a breath out- the tension he had reaccumulated in his shoulders began to release slightly back into Castiel.
“Well. I- I don’t, rather…” Castiel looked at Sam with gentle eyes. Sam stared at the floor with a heavy shame. He put his face in his hands as he bent forward onto himself, his large figure seeming so small all of the sudden.
Castiel had the urge to reach out and lightly run his fingers through Sam’s hair. At first touch the hunter stiffened as is his reaction with most things (Castiel felt like he must be drunk or something when had he gotten so bold?) but then relaxed as the feeling soothed him.
Deep breaths of solace passed through Sam’s diaphragm. Castiel felt a small laugh from Sam’s body shake him, “What did we ever do to deserve you Cas.” He said softly.
Castiel’s hand paused in Sam’s hair- and then continued. Them deserving him? They were the ones that saved the world; they were the ones that fought and saved time and time again. Sam was the one that after all the wounds he’d been dealt and the times he’d been betrayed was still kind and forgiving. Castiel only wished he could explain the surge of exasperation and struggle he felt when Sam expressed how little he thought of himself.
“Sam… You deserve so much more.” Was all he could seem to say. Sam let another huff of a laugh out at that.
They sat in peace like that, until Sam surprised Castiel by almost falling forward face first onto the ground. Castiel dropped the bag of half-frozen peas out of his other hand to catch his friend’s shoulders. Sam surged upright, his body still pretty lax with exhaustion despite the jolt.
“Lay back down.” Castiel said as he stood up to fetch something else frozen to put on his nose. Sam let his body flop sideways onto the hard mattress and then sucked in air through his teeth- immediately regretting it as the discomfort woke him up a little. “Careful.” Castiel chided. That would have made Sam laugh if he wasn’t so exhausted.
When Castiel came back to the room Sam’s eyes were open again, his face pensive as he thought about something that clearly made him uncomfortable. Castiel left the door with a crack of light from the hallway and turned off Sam’s light. Sam had curled in on himself a little more on one side of the mattress. Castiel was thankful for the queen bed that Sam had switched too awhile back, as he slipped behind Sam, not up against him but very close. Sam looked over his shoulder as the bed dipped.
“Wha?”
“Shh- I can’t go back to sleep since I have a ‘stomach ache’ now. I would prefer to stay lest I get bored.” He says with mirth. Sam just smiles a little as though he is in on the joke and scoots over an inch more so Cas can fit comfortably. He raises no objections, because all he has is gratitude.
Castiel continued to run his fingers through Sam’s hair but when he doesn’t feel him relax he props his elbow under himself to see over Sam’s shoulder to his face.
His eyes are closed now, but he still has that tension in his brow.
Before Cas can ask though, Sam answers.
“I don’t speak enochian, because the way I learned it was painful and-”
“Sam- it’s okay. I understand. I may not remember the cage memories I released from your head due to Naomi’s ‘reprogramming’ as she called it…” Castiel’s thought slowed to a crawl at that reminder.
“Guess we both had people messing with our heads, huh?” The comment slips through Sam’s sleepy lips. His body had gradually relaxed again until he felt like goo. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this relaxed.
Castiel hadn’t made that connection before but it was true- the angels seemed to enjoy poking around in there.
He tried to continue his thought, “... but I can understand why that experience might make you unable to use the language without the… emotional strain.”
Sam made a soft “hmm” in agreement. He was slipping to sleep with Castiel’s fingers gently strolling through his scalp. Castiel was still propped up on his other arm too, looking over Sam like a guardian angel. That thought made Sam smile, and in turn, seeing Sam’s sleepy smile made Castiel smile.
“It’s okay though.” Castiel said in a quiet rumble. “I can speak to you in other languages as well as english, and guard you from the other angels.”
Sam’s quiet breaths of sleep leaves Castiel curious if he had heard him at all.
--
Eventually, Castiel fell asleep as well. Once he was certain Sam would not wake again he laid onto his back, holding the bag of corn on his nose once again. He wanted the swelling to stay down, because tomorrow he knew that Sam would begin apologizing all over again, especially if it looked bad. Castiel wished that Sam could just release his guilt once and awhile, although he knew that was what made them human after all. And what a sight they were- his dopey smile shifted the bag of corn but it seemed to stay on his face without his other hand- two beat up, messed up, humans.
--