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Peter’s first therapy session went better than expected.
Sam Wilson was the one who recommended the therapist. Her name was Jordan Patterson and she supposedly specialized in child psychology as well as areas of PTSD. It was decided that they would have their sessions in the living room of the lake house, since Peter wasn’t allowed to be seen in public yet.
During their sessions, everyone else had chosen to either hide upstairs or leave the house completely, keeping the area vacant for Peter and the therapist. He wished they didn’t however. He debated asking May to stay downstairs with him so he didn’t feel as uncomfortable around the new stranger.
Said stranger was sitting directly across from him at the moment.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Peter, I’ve heard quite a lot about you these past few weeks.”
“It's nice to meet you too, Ms. Patterson” he said out of respect.
“You can just call me Jordan, no need for the formalities. Why don’t you get yourself comfortable before we begin.” She eyed the way he was sitting, posture impeccably straight and shoulders rigid. Peter took a deep breath and forced himself to sit back, relaxing his tense muscles.
Jordan kindly smiled. “Wanna tell me a little bit about yourself?”
“Oh” Peter blanked, not knowing where to start. “Well um, I’m Peter... Parker- Peter Parker. I’m seventeen years old. I live in Queens with my aunt. I’m uh... Spiderman?”
Jordan raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you asking me or telling me?”
“I’m Spiderman.” Peter tried to say it more confidently. He opened his mouth to share more but he didn’t know what else to add. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say.”
“There’s no need to apologize. You can say whatever you want, remember that you have complete control of how these sessions go. I’m just here to listen and offer my advice.”
“I’ve never done therapy before...”
“And that’s totally okay, a lot of people get nervous during their first therapy session.” Peter simply nodded, and after an awkward beat of silence, Jordan continued. “You said you have an aunt, are the two of you close?” At the mention of May, Peter began to perk up.
“We’re the closest, she’s the best person you’ll ever meet.”
“And she knew about Spiderman before everything was broadcasted?”
“Yeah... she wasn’t too happy about it at first but she eventually learned to accept it.”
They continued to talk about relatively mundane topics. He shared his school life with MJ and Ned, his hobbies and interests specifically in science, as well as a few funny and light hearted stories as Spiderman. By the end of the session, it felt as if he were talking to more of a friend than a therapist.
“Alright, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today.”
They didn’t talk about anything regarding the nightmares he’s been having. Peter’s confusion must have been clearly written on his face because Jordan was quick to explain.
“Today I just wanted to get a feel for who you are as a person. Next session will be more like what you were probably anticipating.”
That knowledge did nothing to calm his nerves.
~~~
Peter’s second therapy session was as expected, an absolute mess.
“Why don’t you tell me about Tony Stark.” Peter turned his attention back to Jordan at the mention of Tony, not realizing he was distracted to begin with. He only had three hours of sleep last night and it was starting to catch up to him.
“What about Tony Stark?”
“The two of you seem to be extremely close based off of the press conference last week.”
“Oh- well, Mr. Stark is a really good person. He helped make most of my suits, which is seriously the coolest thing to ever happen to me... He sort of recruited me when I was still new to being Spiderman, offered me an extra layer of protection so to speak.” It was impossible to explain just how much Tony has done for him throughout the years, so he decided to end it there.
“It sounds like he cares a lot about you.”
Peter shrugged at that. “He does it for all of the Avengers.”
Jordan quickly wrote something down before continuing. “And you care about him?”
“Oh for sure, I love Mr. Stark! Having him back is the greatest feeling in the world.”
“So overall, how would you describe your relationship with him?” Peter thought for a moment before answering.
“He’s my mentor and I’m his intern. At first that was just a coverup for the whole Spiderman thing but a couple months ago we made it official- which was actually very exciting at the time.” Peter pauses again before coming to the realization. “Wait, it would have been a couple years ago now. Sorry sometimes I forget with the whole Blipped thing.”
Jordan wrote something else down. “So you say you’re just an intern?”
Peter nodded, not noticing the skepticism in her voice. “Yeah.”
“And if I were to ask Mr. Stark the same question, he would give a similar answer?”
After Peter nodded once more, Jordan put down her notebook and leaned forward.
“Would you say Tony’s presence is a common theme to your nightmares?”
This was the first time Jordan had directly asked about the dreams he’s been having. He immediately tensed up and looked away after the words were out.
“Kinda.”
“Care to elaborate?”
When Peter refused to respond, Jordan leaned back into her seat, testing a different approach.
“I know these questions are difficult to answer, but I won’t be able to help you if you don’t give me something to work with here.” She sounded genuinely sorry, and maybe that’s what made Peter attempt to share.
“A lot of them do involve Mr. Stark actually- like there was this one where it was just the two of us. We were having breakfast right over there and he was saying all these nice things to me and I was just... really happy.”
“So then what went wrong?”
Peter stopped for a moment, trying to figure out how much he wanted to say.
“He was making me an extra plate of eggs and telling some sort of joke, I don’t exactly remember. But then half way through his voice started to change and suddenly the kitchen was gone.”
Peter took another pause. Jordan patiently waiting for him to gather his thoughts and continue the story.
But how does he describe the despair that takes over him whenever Tony ends up being yet another figment? Talking about it brings back the feeling of pure terror that he has come to correlate with the image of Quentin Beck. His cold eyes and ruthless demeanor never seem to leave him alone. Even when he’s not dreaming, he feels haunted by the fact that his surroundings might not be real, and the worst part of it all is that he has no clear way of deciphering. Even when he feels the most safe with Mr. Stark by his side, he can’t help but wonder when it’s going to turn into another illusion.
“Then Mysterio was there.” He lamely ends the story there.
In actuality, the nightmare ended with Beck taking a gun and pointing it directly at Tony’s chest. Peter had begged Beck to shoot him instead. The last thing he saw before waking up was Tony’s eyes glazed over and lifeless, just how they were on Titan.
“Do we need to take a break?” Jordan was leaning forward yet again, but this time with concern in her eyes.
Peter shook his head since he couldn’t seem to find his voice. He wanted to get this session done as soon as possible.
“Peter, you know that Mysterio is dead. You supposedly saw it yourself. You need to remind yourself of that whenever you wake up from a nightmare.”
Peter shook his head again, this time with more force. “Just because you see something, doesn’t mean it’s real.”
Jordan stops to think about this then quickly writes something down.
“How about right now? Do you think this is real?”
He could never tell anymore.
~~~
While Peter was nervous about the last session, he was absolutely terrified for today’s.
“Before we begin, I would like to offer you an apology.” Peter raised his eyebrows at that.
“An apology?”
“Yes, when Tony Stark initially called and explained the situation, I thought I was solely dealing with a case of insomnia. I was approaching questions in a way that attempted to figure out where you felt the most safe.”
“Oh, did you figure it out?”
“To an extent, yes... I was going to suggest surrounding yourself in the areas that you correlate to safety. That could be an actual place or the embodiment of a person.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“It’s a pretty simplistic solution if I’m being honest, but people often forget that they can ask for help when they’re struggling.”
Peter thought of all the times May had begged him to wake her up after he had a nightmare. He always refused, not wanting to worry her more than he already has. He thought of all the times Tony had yelled at him for doing something particularly stupid, taking on a villain that was triple his size, hiding a stab wound for a full two hours before passing out in the middle of an alleyway, the list could go on for hours.
“I guess you’re right” Peter eventually said. Then, Jordan gave him a tight lipped smile.
“Peter, am I allowed to be blunt with you?” Despite his heart skipping a beat, he answered calmly.
“Of course.” He was impressed with how steady his voice sounded in that moment.
“I’m starting to believe you’ll never feel safe anywhere.” He doesn’t know what he was expecting Jordan to say but it definitely wasn’t that.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think you’re fixable, and for that I’m truly sorry, but I think this is going to be our last therapy session.”
No, this can’t be happening. He doesn’t want to be broken forever.
“Please, I- I can work harder, I swear. Don’t give up on me just yet.” At that, Jordan let out a smile that showed all her teeth.
“I’m sorry Peter, I guess you’ll just never know what’s real.”
Suddenly, he isn’t looking at Jordan anymore. Blue eyes dig into his soul, and the last thing he hears before waking up is the manic laugh of Quentin Beck.
~~~
“Peter, are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course- why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t think you’ve let yourself relax once since I got here. At first I thought it was simply due to nerves but now I’m seeing it more as a posture of defense.”
Peter looked down and examined the way he was situated. He was seated at the edge of the couch and his muscles were just as rigid as they were in the first therapy session. He looked ready to attack at any given moment. He forcibly leaned back, positioning himself the way a normal person would.
“Would you like to talk about what’s making you tense?”
Peter was about to say no, not trusting himself to humor this as real life. But he only slept for two hours last night and he was so tired and so scared.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Of course you can, that’s what I’m here for.” Her words were soft and inviting but Peter didn’t allow himself to believe it just yet.
“Can you tell me something only you and I would know?” He practically whispered the words to Jordan. Her face twisted together in thought.
“Peter, did you have another nightmare last night?” He ignored the question.
“Tell me something only you would know” he demanded this time. He was being harsh, and if this ended up being real he would feel guilty about it later. But right now he just needed the reassurance. It wasn’t a fool proof method, not in the slightest, but he has officially become desperate.
“Okay, okay... so you told me during our first session that you’re actually a decent cook. Your aunt isn’t the best at it so after your uncle passed away, you started to teach yourself some recipes using an old cookbook, I think you mentioned Ben buying it from a thrift store.”
He remembered sharing that with her. The recipe book was thrown out during the five year Blip period, and Peter was devastated when he couldn’t find it this summer. No one else knew about the recipe book except for maybe May, but he doubts she remembers it after all of these years.
Peter took a deep breath and nodded, actually relaxing his body this time around. “Thanks.”
Jordan looked him up and down with a questioning look in her eye. “Do you use that technique often?”
“No, not really. I mean I did in the beginning but it was starting to worry May so I stopped asking questions after a week or so.”
“Well I want you to start using it again, at least temporarily. You need to trust the people around you if you want to get better, and that’s a good way of opening yourself up to the possibility.” Peter already knew he wasn’t going to do that.
“How can I trust others when I can’t even trust myself?”
Jordan hummed in consideration, which Peter appreciated. He liked her because no matter what was said, she never looked at him with concern or pity in her eyes. In all honesty, it was refreshing.
“I want to try something new, if that’s alright?”
Peter rigorously nodded one too many times. (He so badly wanted to be fixed). “Sure.”
“Can you tell me where you are? Feel free to give as much detail as possible.”
“Oh... okay, well- I’m in the lake house, with you.”
“What do you feel?”
“Um the couch, the floor, the throw pillow by my side.”
“And what do you hear?”
He paused and focused in on his hearing. “I hear your heartbeat.”
That got a reaction out of Jordan. “You can hear my heartbeat from over there?”
Peter nodded and felt himself blush. “Yeah, it sort of comes with the spiderbite...”
“That’s very cool.” Peter blushed harder at that.
“Okay, now I want you to close your eyes.”
Peter’s eyes widened and Jordan raised an eyebrow in response. “I know it’s easier said than done but I need you to trust me.”
He nodded and hesitantly closed his eyes.
“Good job, now I want you to count back from ten. You can count however fast or slow as you want. When you get to one, you can open your eyes.”
Peter kept his eyes closed but gave an incredulous chuckle, “are you serious?”
“I’m very serious, you can start whenever you want.”
Peter felt stupid counting out loud but he decided not to fight her on it. “Ten...”
“Focus in on the feeling of the couch, the pillow by your side.”
The pillow had a different texture than the couch. It was light and soft against his fingertips. “Nine.”
“Ground your feet and feel the wooden floor beneath you.”
He spread his feet apart, sitting up straighter as he does so. “Eight.”
“Hear my heartbeat and the steady rhythm of it.”
“Seven.”
“Hear your own heartbeat, hopefully just as steady.”
Jordan didn’t add any more commentary as he continued to count down. The floor was cold and unforgiving against his feet, but it was also solid and sturdy. He listened to his own heartbeat, drumming faster than Jordan’s but equally as consistent.
Eventually, he opened his eyes.
“Where are you?”
Peter looked around the room, making sure his surroundings didn’t change. “I’m in the lake house... with you.”
“Just like before?”
Peter offered her a genuine smile.
“Just like before.”
~~~
“So I did the counting thing you told me about, and I think it’s working.”
Jordan’s eyes sparked with pride at the announcement. “I’m so happy to hear that, does that mean you got more sleep last night?”
“I did.”
He got a full four and a half hours of sleep. While it wasn’t enough to make him feel rejuvenated, it was more sleep than he’s been getting for a while now. He’s been internally celebrating the small victory all day.
“Good, and did you take the other advice I gave you?”
“The other advice?”
“The one about opening yourself up?” He completely forgot about that.
“Oh yeah- yeah, of course I did.”
“So you didn’t.” Jordan sounded disappointed, which he didn’t think was fair. He got a full four and a half hours of sleep last night after all.
“Peter, you have people that want to help you.”
“I know that.”
Jordan studied him for a moment, and it took all of his willpower not to squirm under her gaze.
“May I ask you a personal question?”
He didn’t think it would end well if he said no, so he nodded his head, dreading whatever she was about to say next.
“Do you think you deserve help?”
Peter opened his mouth just to close it. Both of them knew the answer to her question, and he was too embarrassed to say it out loud. Jordan continued on, seeming unbothered by his lack of response.
“Last night I took the liberty to rewatch a few things, specifically the Spiderman footage released as well as the press conference... I noticed a lot of misplaced guilt based off of your words and mannerisms in both of those recordings, would you agree?”
Peter didn’t bother opening his mouth this time.
“Have you talked to your aunt about any of this?”
“That’s not an option.” Jordan seemed surprised by his quick response.
“And why is that?”
“I can’t worry her more than I already do, I won’t allow it.” Jordan looked like she wanted to argue, but she seemingly decided against it.
“Well have you considered talking to Tony.”
“Also not an option.”
“You don’t want to worry him either?”
“That, and I’m not his kid.”
Jordan, ever the blank slate, simply nodded her head in a way of asking Peter to go on.
“He has a daughter now, you know...”
It’s been five years and life has moved on without him. Tony deserves the opportunity to enjoy retired life with his actual family.
Peter has made it his mission to not get in the way of that.
“You know, I’ve had a handful of one on one conversations with Tony Stark. I can tell that he loves you dearly just from the way he speaks about you.” Peter ignored the pang in his chest that came with those words.
“I want you to try and open yourself up, okay? Allow people to help you.”
~~~
Turns out, opening yourself up was a lot easier said than done.
It was five in the morning and he had just woken up from another nightmare. He put his hand over his mouth to camouflage the sobs that were escaping him. He rocked himself back and forth at the edge of the bed in an attempt to comfort himself, counting down from one hundred.
A significant amount of time had passed before he remembered Jordan’s advice. He stood up on shaky feet and walked across the hall until he was directly in front of May’s guest room. He closed his eyes and listened to her breathe behind the door. Instead of turning the knob, he sank to the ground and willed his breathing pattern to match May’s.
Peter had sat there for the rest of the night, content on listening to May sleep peacefully. He rested his head against the wall as he watched the sunrise from the window. Though he tried not to fall back asleep, he found himself dozing off from time to time.
This was not what Jordan meant when she told him to search for help. But for now, it was enough.
Peter was fast asleep by the time the sun has risen.