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Aubrey doesn’t think about it when things are happening.
She doesn’t think about it with Dani’s hand in her waistband, or Dani’s hand against her thigh, or Dani’s hand... Elsewhere. She doesn’t even think about it when they’re laying on Dani’s bed, wrapped up in each other. She almost doesn’t think about it at all.
But when she slips off to the bathroom, she remembers. She’s sitting on the toilet when she glances down at herself and sees them.
Seven bright red lines, almost perfectly parallel, on her thigh.
Aubrey feels a familiar shame rush over her as she remembers what they are. She was clean , and she was doing so well, feeling so good. Until a few nights ago, when she stayed up a bit too late, drank a bit too much, and spent a bit too much time alone.
And she slipped Snitch out of her boot and went to work.
It had been so long– How long? A year? Two? Since before Amnesty Lodge, she knows. And here she is, with seven new scars on top of an old, slightly mottled patch of skin that she usually just does her best not to think about, and– Oh, God.
What if Dani saw?
Aubrey’s heartbeat quickens, and she feels a familiar tension building in her chest and head. What if Dani knows, oh, God, what if Dani worries, what if– What if Aubrey ruined it? Just because she couldn’t keep her stupid urges in their place, she might’ve messed up the best thing she’s had in years–
“Aubrey?” Dani’s voice drifts through the door. “I need to pee, hurry up!”
“Uh– Just a second!” Aubrey’s voice cracks, and she knows it’s over.
“Oh, fuck, are you okay? Was– Aubrey, was that... Bad?”
“Of course it wasn’t bad, I– Just a minute, okay?” Aubrey rushes to wipe herself down and wash her hands. When she opens the door, Aubrey knows Dani’s examining her face for any sign of a lie. She sighs deeply and gives her girlfriend a peck on the lips. “Dani. If I didn’t like what happened, I would tell you, okay? Now go do your business. I’ll be in bed.”
Aubrey doesn’t listen for an answer, doing exactly what she said she would and waiting on her side in Dani’s bed. The panic keeps building inside of her, but she does her best to push it back.
And then Dani is behind her, slipping a hand around Aubrey’s waist. “Aubrey...”
Aubrey rolls over and kisses Dani, hoping the other girl won’t notice her relatively quick breaths. But Dani pulls back after a moment, worry in her eyes.
“Aubrey. What’s wrong?”
Dani’s cool hand against Aubrey’s cheek does a bit to suppress Aubrey’s fear, but not enough.
Finally, Aubrey forces herself to speak. “Did you... See?”
“Did I see what, babe?” Dani’s hand slips back against Aubrey’s scalp, rubbing her buzzed hair reassuringly. It’s supposed to be reassuringly, anyways.
“The... I have scars, I...”
Dani’s face somehow becomes softer, and she barely brushes Aubrey’s lips with her own.
“I didn’t want to say anything, I assumed... I know I tend to overreact, I just wanted you , I didn’t want to scare you...”
“I guess you know I relapsed, then.” Aubrey’s voice is flat, and she can’t bring herself to make eye contact. But Dani doesn’t try to make eye contact as she kisses Aubrey’s forehead.
“I didn’t know, actually.” As Dani pulls back, Aubrey barely glances at her face. She looks worried. Fuck.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, I don’t want you to worry...”
“No, Aubrey...” Dani sighs, her hand sliding back down to Aubrey’s waist. “I’m glad you told me, okay? Do you want to talk about it?”
Aubrey shivers. “Not really.”
“That’s okay.”
They lay still like that for a while before Aubrey speaks again.
“I had been clean for a really long time, Dan.”
“I know.”
“And I just... ruined everything.”
“You didn’t ruin everything , babe... I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s gonna be okay. Alright?”
“I just... I was clean, I was out of therapy, I was only on, like, two meds, I was doing so much better .”
“There’s nothing wrong with needing therapy or medicine, Aubrey...”
“I– I know, I know. I just...”
“I know.” Dani kisses Aubrey again, and they lay for a few minutes longer.
“Dani... You’re too good to me. You know that?”
“Are you kidding? I’m not good enough to you.”
“No, that’s– I’m not good, Dani, I don’t... You shouldn’t waste your time with me.” Aubrey can’t make eye contact again, and Dani sighs a bit, tightening her hand on Aubrey’s waist a bit, just for a moment.
“You are good, though. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Aubrey feels something like relief deep inside of her, even as more doubts try to rush to the surface. “Thank you for... Being the way you are.”
“Thank you for talking to me about this.” Dani’s hand cups Aubrey’s jaw again, and they kiss, and Aubrey sighs.
“I think I’m broken.”
“I don’t.”
“I really do.”
“Well, if you’re broken, then I’m broken.”
“You aren’t broken.”
“Then you aren’t broken.”
“I guess...” Aubrey pulls herself closer to Dani, burying her head in her girlfriend’s chest. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Dani’s hand tangles in Aubrey’s hair, and Aubrey smiles faintly.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Being here for me.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”