Chapter Text
Petra breathed out a slow sigh. At last, she was alone. On this free day, most scouts had gone to see their loved ones. Eld and Gunther had left early. Oluo had procrastinated for hours before finally leaving her to her own devices. Now, in blessed quiet, she brewed a pot of black tea. There was no one left to question her - only herself.
She had to speak privately with Captain Levi. She’d worked up her courage twice before, but backed out both times. What she wanted to say wasn’t appropriate … but the need to say it wouldn’t go away. Yet, if she messed this up, it could ruin things between them. She valued her place in his squad. Shouldn’t she change her mind again...?
In the end, the tea decided it for her. This time, she’d started brewing it despite her fear. Now that it was ready, she couldn’t let it go to waste. So Petra put her teapot on the tray, brought it to Captain Levi’s door, and knocked.
A few moments later, the door opened and Levi appeared, looking bored.
“Petra?” he asked without intonation.
“I made tea, sir,” she said.
“Good,” the captain said, his expression becoming a little less apathetic. Then, before she could say one more word, he relieved her of the tray and closed the door in her face.
Petra stood in the corridor for a time, silent and utterly flummoxed. Should she knock once more…? No, she decided. Actually, how about never trying anything remotely like this ever again?
As she turned away, the door opened. Captain Levi stepped forward as if to stride down the corridor, but stopped short when he saw she was still there. He said: “You brought two cups.”
“Yes, sir,” Petra said, not meeting his eyes. “Sorry, sir.” Still not looking up, she held out her hand to receive the superfluous cup.
“Petra,” Levi said, “come in.”
She blinked, then looked at him. He held the door open for her, standing to one side. Relieved but newly nervous, she stepped into his quarters.
Levi’s room was immaculate, with no clutter whatsoever. His manoeuvre gear was semi-disassembled, taking up half of his desk. The tea tray was there too.
“Sit,” he told her, gesturing to the only chair in the room. She did. Then he sat too: on his bed, beside the desk, within reach of the tea.
One cup was already poured, so Petra poured the second for herself. They both took a few sips. She savoured the hot, bitter taste.
At length, the captain said: “If you’re angling for a promotion, you should’ve left me all the tea.”
Petra blushed. “No, sir.”
“Then what?” He took another sip.
“Well, sir, it’s not appropriate...” Petra saw him frown, swallowed, and made herself go on. “...But I noticed you never visit anyone during downtime. You always stay here. Why?”
Levi was silent for a moment. “It is inappropriate. But... I'll answer, for this perfect tea.” Another long pause. “I used to go to town for errands. You lot handle that now.”
She nodded. After a few trips shopping for supplies together, everyone in the squad knew what to procure for him.
“Now,” he continued, “I only go for work. Necessary work, in this dumb and shitty world. A sponsor wants to meet ‘humanity's strongest.’ (Tch.) Or high-ups want to hear squad leaders’ reports.” He took a sip of tea. “I follow orders. But I don’t stay a second longer. I can do more here. Take some stacks of paperwork off Erwin’s desk, free his mind for strategy.” He gestured to his desk. “And maintain my gear. That’s life or death.”
Petra gulped a mouthful of tea. Everything he said was fair, even admirable, but couldn’t he have a life outside duty? “Sir, we all look after our gear. We know how important that is. But other things are important too.”
Slowly, Levi drank the rest of his cup of tea. Then, carefully, holding the pot at what she thought of as exactly the right distance above the cup, but which many others would consider to be too high, he poured some more. Finally, he said: “What are you getting at?”
At least he hadn’t thrown her out. Yet. “Well… As scouts, we have different backgrounds. We all share one thing: we’ve lost comrades. You’re the best of us, Captain, but even you can’t be everywhere. You save a lot… but you can’t save everyone. I know that’s hard.”
Her commanding officer had stopped drinking the tea. He stared ahead, saying nothing.
Petra pressed on: “Our friends and families at home, though… They’re safe. When we escape to their world, for a day or two… we enjoy what we’ve worked to defend. When we fight again, we know part of what we care about is protected.” With effort, she controlled her voice. “For now.” Here was the thing she had no right to say at all. “Your past is none of my business, sir. And it can’t be changed. But the present can. If you have family, you could find them again. If your family’s gone… you could make civilian friends.” She swallowed. “So… if you want that… come to town with me. I’ll show you nice spots… and you can meet people.”
There. Done. She’d said everything she’d come here to say, and stopped before she descended into rambling. She went to pick up her cup for another drink, but her hand was trembling too much, so she drew it back to her lap. Nervously, she glanced at Levi.
The look on the captain’s face was so odd that Petra wondered for a bizarre moment if she’d spoken in a lost language. But then he said: “Do you think I’d fight better with people in town to motivate me?”
Petra gaped. After staring for a moment with her mouth open, she managed to protest: “No, sir! You fight harder than anyone. It’s not for me to tell you...” The more she thought about it, the more horrified she felt.
Levi’s eyebrows quirked upwards. “Now you know what’s appropriate.” He took another sip of tea. “So what?”
“Nothing to do with our duties,” Petra insisted. “I just want you to be happy. As much as people like us can be happy, for a while.” She drank what remained in her cup.
After a very long time, Levi broke the silence. “I’m happy when I save a life,” he said, his neutral tone and expression not showing the slightest hint of happiness. “I’m happy when my actions help Four-Eyes to learn something, or I get to carry out Erwin’s orders without the mission changing mid-way.” He paused. “I’m happy when all the barracks are completely clean.” He gave her a sidelong glance and his expression eased just a little. “And I’m happy you brought me this tea.”
Petra smiled. “I’m glad I could do that much, Captain. But can’t I convince you to come out with me…?”
Levi shook his head. “The Survey Corps is enough.”
Petra felt strangely bittersweet at those words. “What do you think of the rest of us, who have people outside the Survey Corps?”
He took a sip of tea, nearly finishing his second cup when Petra hadn’t even poured another for herself. “I don’t resent you. If a bit of normal life keeps you going, fine. I don’t resent civilians either. They can’t fight, but they deserve to live. I don’t need to be their friend to protect them.”
Petra thought about that. “What if we find out where the titans come from... and beat them, for good? What if there are no more titans to fight? What will you do then?”
Her captain frowned and seemed about to answer flippantly, but then he paused. After a moment, he drained the last of the tea in his cup and poured some more. There couldn’t be much left in the pot. Eventually, he spoke quietly: “I’m in no hurry to die. But I might not be alive by then.”
Her eyes widened. “Sir, you have to be.”
“I intend to be. I’ll never surrender. Even so, my life might be what it takes to win.” He shrugged. “Or not. Some breakthrough might let us win before I’m dead.” He said nothing for a time.
“And...?” she couldn’t help but prompt him.
“And?” he echoed.
“What will you do then?” Petra asked once more.
Levi shrugged and sipped his tea. “I’ll work that out later. No point planning when we don’t know shit.”
A small, disappointed noise escaped her.
He met her gaze without scorn. “Petra. How often do plans go to shit in a single mission?" He let the weight of those words settle. His eyes said he knew what memories were flooding through her mind. “That’ll happen a hundred times before we’re free.”
Quietly, reluctantly, she nodded. “I suppose so.”
“Right,” he said. “Only one thing won’t change.” A pause. “The air out there is clean.”
The shift in his tone, though slight in anyone else’s voice, was enough in Levi’s to make her look at him sharply. Something important was here, something she didn’t understand but desperately wanted to.
“When humanity wins,” Levi said, “we’ll go out there. Breathe the air. Taste how clean it is.” He glanced at her, sidelong. “If I’m not there, breathe it for me. Fill your lungs twice as deep. Then… no matter what plans got thrown out… make new ones.” Having said that, Levi picked up his cup of tea, which couldn’t have been less than half full, and drained it to the last drop.
Petra stared. She hadn’t been prepared for that answer. But something about it struck a chord, chiming and resonating until a feeling of peace filled her. “Thank you, sir.”
Levi inclined his head. After a time, he said: “I’m not going to town. But you’ve still got time.”
She nodded. “I had a few places in mind that we could have visited… but my family will have all my time now.”
“Good. First, drink the rest of the tea. I’ve had three times as much as you.”
She shook her head. “You’re welcome to it.”
The captain immediately poured the remaining the tea for himself, not letting her change her mind. He lifted the cup to his lips and savoured a slow sip.
Petra rose from the chair and put her cup and teapot on the tray. “I’ll get my other cup back later. Thank you for speaking with me, Captain.”
He nodded. “It was good tea.”
Petra gave him a genuine smile. It was good tea. Then she took the tray and left his room. Her heart felt light and heavy all at once. She didn’t expect to have a conversation like that with Captain Levi ever again... but this wouldn’t be the last time she made him tea.
Once Petra had cleaned up, there was nothing more for her to do but leave the barracks for the town. She glanced back only once at the room where Levi was. She made out a vague shape behind the window that she knew was him, sitting at the desk that he’d shared with her, but she couldn’t determine if he was looking back at her or not.
At length, she straightened her back and walked forwards: towards the town, where her father waited, and into the future, with all its uncertain plans.