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It was a strange day, a hard day. Things had gone rough for the Straw Hats and tensions were high. Luckily the Sunny was big enough for each member to have their space. Though, it was more difficult for those that shared a single place. Still, Sanji had seen his lover training on the deck so he was sure that he was safe for the time being.
He took a breath as he closed the door to their bedroom but didn’t lock it. He didn’t want Franky to be angry if Zoro ended up slicing the door open out of frustration. So, he simply trusted in Zoro’s immediate need to nap after training.
The cook took a breath as he slowly undid his tie and slipped off his suit coat. He folded his coat and laid it on the bed before moving to his dresser. There was a mirror on the wall that was perfect for what he needed. He just… He just needed a bit of time to escape.
He kicked off his shoes and rested them securely under the dresser. He then slipped out of his slacks, leaving himself in only his silk dress shirt that was a lovely soft teal and a pair of boxers. He took a breath to compose himself before grabbing a key out of the music box fastened to the top of the dresser. He unlocked the top left-hand drawer and hesitantly opened it. Lord knows he hadn’t opened this drawer in so long. The last time he could remember was a week after Fishman Island. It felt so long ago.
He reached inside and pulled out a small black bag. He swallowed thickly and pulled the drawstring loose before dumping the contents of the bag into the open mouth of the music box. Anxiety, unease, and a sudden lack of self-assurance raked through his body as he stared down at the barely used makeup waiting to be applied. Could he really do this? The others were on board. They might see. Enemies could attack at any second!
But he needed this.
He shook his head and clutched at the dresser to steady himself. His shoulders drooped and he desperately forced himself to relax. He took a breath, counted to three, and then released it before grabbing the eyeshadow first. He was not great at doing this himself. He was good with colors, always had been, but the application was usually awful. Still, he pushed that to the back of his mind as he listened to the music box play. Robin had given it to him for his birthday, it soothed him.
As the stiff beautiful music of the rosewood music box played, Sanji felt himself relax and he actually started to smile. The application of the eyeshadow went better than expected. He ended up choosing a lovely blue that brought out the color of his eyes with a tiny splash of purple to contrast. After about ten minutes and several cleanups of smeared makeup, Sanji finally had a look he was proud of. He used a small hair clip to keep his bangs to the side so he could see how the makeup looked on both sides. It didn’t matter that he wouldn’t see the other eye once his bangs were back in place, it felt nice to have both sides even.
He wasn’t all that fond of blush, it was garish on his pale skin. But found he had an affinity for glossy lipstick. He just wished that it was easier to apply. His normally steady hands always shook when he started to put it on. Perhaps it was the rush of emotions that made it so difficult.
He could remember the first time he ever wore any. He was a child, tiny and so pathetically delicate, sitting on his mother’s hospital bed. He sat atop his mother’s lap as she told him to put his lips together as she gently cupped his cheek. She kissed his forehead before looking sadly at his mouth, his busted lip had healed but the bruising was still obvious. So, she gave him one of her beautiful smiles and pulled out her lipstick. She hummed a sweet tune as she applied the makeup perfectly. He could remember her telling him that he could wear it while he visited but had to take it off before leaving.
But that small childhood comfort ended the day she died.
He hid from the comfort makeup brought him. Stuffed it down like so many other things that he felt. He hid behind the masculinity of his naturally male body so that no one could take the memory of her love away from him.
During his two years of training, that familiar feeling he had thought dead suddenly resurfaced. He told himself it was wrong and that he hated it but he could only fight it so long. He sank into the old memories and used it to fight the loneliness he felt being away from the Straw Hats.
Once he was home again he felt the need to stuff it down once more. He had a new romance with his favorite idiot swordsman. His marimo was the most masculine person he’d ever met and very gay. Sanji was sure that showing a more feminine side would lose him the love of his life. So, he hid once more.
But today was too hard, they had almost lost Luffy in combat.
Sanji’s hands trembled horribly now as he tried his hardest to slide the lipstick across his bottom lip. He had barely finished just that lip when he startled suddenly at the sound of the bedroom door slamming open. The sudden sound made him jerk towards that direction as his lipstick fell from his fingers. He couldn’t even attempt to catch it as he stared in horror at what he saw. He was staring eye to eye with his lover. His eyes wide as a strange and slightly concerning look entered Zoro’s eyes.
“Always knew there was something weird about you,” Zoro commented bluntly. His tone, as well as his word choice, made Sanji’s heart sink immediately.
“I thought you were t-training.” Sanji whispered a bit brokenly. He tried to stand tall, not wanting to cry or panic.
“Luffy’s hungry.” The swordsman grunted. He stepped into the room fully and closed the door, making Sanji take a cautious step back. He swallowed thickly, Zoro looked unhappy that Sanji had moved away. Zoro didn’t like cowards.
“Oh.” Sanji’s voice came out weaker than he wanted. God, he wished he had a cigarette.
“So, you’re…” Zoro raised an eyebrow to get his point across.
“What?! No!” Sanji denounced immediately, defenses of denial starting to rebuild. Though, they crumbled quickly at the unimpressed look from his lover. “Well, I-I mean… Maybe. I-I don’t know!”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Zoro grunted, his face as cold and unexpressive as usual. The sight was starting to make Sanji panic. He couldn’t read Zoro when he got like this. “Shouldn’t you know what you are?”
“I don’t k-know!” Sanji’s voice cracked as he clenched his fists. His eyes started to mist up as a lump grew in his throat. “I-I feel like both. Or neither. I d-don’t know! It’s so confusing. I can’t tell which o-one it is!” The building tears dripped down his cheeks as he clenched his eyes shut. He flinched hard as he heard Zoro’s heavy boots walk towards him.
“Does it matter?” Zoro asked with a soft grunt. There was a little sound, like something small snapping. “Normal isn’t a requirement in this crew.”
Sanji gasped softly as he suddenly felt Zoro’s lips press against his exposed forehead. He felt something slipped into his hair before Zoro pulled away.
“Now get cooking,” Zoro growled, walking back out the door and shutting it.
Sanji’s wet eyes slowly slipped open, He raised his hand to his head, touching the thing in his hair as he turned to look in the mirror. A pale blush dusted his cheeks as he smiled shakily when he saw the flower nestled in his hair, knowing it came from the vase on the dresser.
His heart fluttered anew with love as he touched the silken petals.
~*~End~*~