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When General Organa told Finn that he had his own mission, he thought she meant by himself. He was wrong. He seemed to be leading the mission.
“I think there’s a mistake? I don’t think I’m ready to be leading a mission right now,” said Finn. It felt like he had just joined the Resistance, even though he joined a few months ago. He still felt very unprepared.
“Don’t worry, Finn,” Leia said, “I’m also recruiting Dameron with you so you can learn how to lead.” Finn’s stomach turned for seemingly no reason but he managed to hold his composure in front of Leia, showing no signs of distress.
“General Organa,” A voice said behind Finn, he recognized that voice from anywhere.
“Ah, Poe,” said Leia. She explained the situation to him. While she does, Poe stood dangerously close to Finn. Just the proximity of Poe made Finn break a sweat. What the hell is going on, FN-21… Finn, he thought.
Finn was so focused on his own thoughts that he had stopped listening to what the general was saying. Absently, he agreed to something and when he finally broke out of it, he was standing outside the door, Poe waving a hand in front of his face.
“Finn? Hello?” Poe said.
“Hm,” Finn said as he shook his head a little, “Yeah, what is it?”
“I said you should get dressed into something different if we’re going to Pavo Prime,” said Poe. Finn didn’t understand. They looked at each other with blank stares until Poe said, “Did you hear anything in there?” Finn opened his mouth to detest but Poe spoke before he could, “A crucial USB was stolen from us by a smuggler named Ryn Odai. They’ve been reported to be on Pavo Prime and is said to be making a deal with some First Order officers. We have to get the USB and bring them back to base for questioning.” Finn made a small, “oh,” and then turned to leave.
“Wait, wait, wait, Finn.” Poe grabbed his shoulder and swung himself in front of Finn, “Are you okay?”
Finn looked at the hand on his shoulder. Now, if it was anyone else it wouldn’t have been a big deal but for some reason when Poe touches him, Finn starts to feel tight in his stomach. “Uhh…” Poe said his name again to get him back to focus. “Oh yes, I’m fine, sorry.”
“Are you sure?” Poe’s brows wrinkled with concern, it was genuine.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just tired I guess,” said Finn and left to change his clothes.
He had only recently started to feel like this around Poe. At first, he thought it was just extreme gratitude for everything that Poe had done for him and admiration for him but now it seems to be different. Finn honestly didn’t know where it came from. Push it down, soldier, a voice told him in his head. The voice clouded his thoughts, it echoed in his head.
“Finn?” He had accidentally hit someone as he was walking.
“Oh, Rey. Rey! I am so sorry,” Finn realized. He grabbed her hand as part of the apology. Shaking her head and smiling softly, she told him it was alright but she asked him if he was okay. “Why does everyone keep on asking that? Yes, I’m fine,” said he and then forced a chuckle. Rey looked at him with confusion. She knew something was wrong and Finn knew she could feel it. He scoffed, “I mean, maybe. I don’t know,” Rey stayed silent which forced him to talk, “I mean I’ve just been feeling weird recently. I keep getting like an uneasy feeling in my stomach. It’s awful, to be honest. I mean it only happens on certain occasions, like whenever I’m near Poe or when he touches my shoulder. I just get this weird feeling…”
Rey looked at him with a sweet smile on her face, “Finn, I don’t know how to tell you this subtly but I am pretty sure you have a crush and, frankly, it’s a little obvious.”
“What do you mean a crush? What is that? How is it obvious?” Finn hadn’t ever heard that term before. His face dropped and he stepped closer to Rey. Worried, he whispered, “Am I going to die?”
Rey pushed him back playfully, “No! You’ve never heard of that?” Realization flashed across her face as she looked in his eyes, “Oh, I guess you wouldn’t. Okay... A crush is when you have feelings for someone but in a romantic way. You could look at someone and think they are attractive.” Finn still looked confused. “Uhm, what you’re describing is what people would classify as a crush or when you really like someone. Like little butterflies in your stomach or when your chest gets full with some happy feeling.”
“Well, I really like you and I think you’re attractive. Does that mean I have a crush with you?” said Finn.
She laughed, “No, no. Have you ever felt like you always wanted to be with someone all the time? Like whatever they do fills you with happiness? That’s called love and--”
Love. He could hear General Hux spit out the word again. No, he couldn’t feel love.
“No. I’m not in love,” Finn cut her off, suddenly he was very mad. That word triggered something in him, “I am not in love, Rey.” He gritted his teeth as he said, love. Before even he knew it, he was running away from her. That word had been buried for years in his memory. Whispering to himself, he tried to reassure himself that he wasn’t in love. He couldn’t be. He wasn’t allowed. Push it down, it said.
“Stop it.” But it wouldn’t. A chant started in his mind. The words bounced around behind his eyes.
“You shouldn’t have told me that, FN-2187. You can’t tell anyone, please, for god’s sake. Don’t say anything.” He had told one of his colleagues, FN-3798. A weird feeling, just like the one he experienced with Poe, was bothering him. A second after, all troopers were called to report to General Hux in the docking bay.
In the First Order, they did not tolerate any emotion whatsoever. That’s said as if his stormtrooper colleagues had emotions. Both of them had hurried to the bay and lined up for General Hux. There were two stormtroopers next to him. The two were tied at the wrists behind their backs and looked like they were struggling. Without a word, Hux hit the troopers to the ground. He unhelmeted both and shot the closest between the eyes when she looked up to him as if to plead for her life. “Remember this moment,” General Hux said as he turned to face the army of troopers, “It is a disgrace for… this thing to control you. Love,” he spat out the word, “The only thing that controls you is the First Order.” He looked at the other trooper-- Finn remembers feeling the utter disgust from Hux-- when he saw that she was crying. Hux had sneered a little then shot her after a few long seconds. He looked at her for a moment then turned back to address the army, “Back to work.”
Finn remembers staring at his friend, now lying dead next to her lover. Frozen in place until FN-3798 shoved him, “That’s what happens when you have those feelings. Don’t feel, FN-2187.” He told himself he would never let anything like that happen to him. I know I’m weak but I’ll fight it, he had told himself, I’ll never love.
Finn felt like he was choking a little now. Luckily, he had made it to his quarters and he was sitting down on his cot. It took a second for him to remember what he was supposed to do. “I gotta get changed,” he told himself. Looking at his pile of clothes on the ground, he tried to find something that wouldn’t look out of place on a gambling planet. He finally decided on his new jacket, a regular white shirt, and grey pants. It was the only thing he could wear. He slowly started to change; he was tired of everything shooting up at him.
There was a knock on the door and without any notice, the door opened, “Hey, Finn, are you ready-- Oh,” Poe walked in halfway and saw Finn half-naked in the middle of his room. “Uhh, I’m sorry, I’ll wait… outside.” But instead of immediately leaving, Poe stood there for a second and stared at him. Before Finn could say something, Poe closes the door. Finn stands there, shirt in his hands, a little shocked. He felt his face heat up. Quicker this time, he got dressed and gathered everything he thought he needed. The first thing he sees when he leaves is Poe picking at his fingers, waiting calmly. BB-8 was at his feet, rolling back and forth with excitement it seemed. “Hey,” Poe said when he looked up from his hands, he acted as if nothing had happened. Is this normal? Finn asked. “You ready to get out of here? I’m kind of getting bored,” Poe said, giving Finn a warm, joking smile. Hoping that Poe wouldn’t notice the awkwardness in his step, Finn followed next to him as they headed for their ship.
“So I’ve gotten a little bit more information about this Ryn Odai character and it turns out they’re very good. Like, extremely. So we’re going to have to be very keen on this. I’ve also got a description of them. No one’s been able to get a picture of them so we’re relying on what people have said. They’re half-Mirialan, half-human, pink skin, black hair, no markings. I’m still not sure if they work alone or with a partner, but I’ve been told that the same person has been with them for at least two accounts so we might have something going for that,” Poe said as they got ready on the ship.
Finn was hardly listening though, he was still focused on his talk with Rey. She couldn’t be right, could she? What did she know about love? It’s not like he’s seen her with anyone before like that at least. But, then again, he didn’t know what you did with love. All he knew of love was what the brief moments he’d seen with Han and Leia and that was hardly anything he didn’t know already. He’d heard about it while in the First Order though. Things like kissing and sex, especially after the incident with the two troopers and a few more times while on the Resistance base. He never really knew what they were, only that they symbolized love and it was forbidden. He was always curious but way too afraid and embarrassed to ask. You’re not allowed, trooper.
“Shush,” he said, maybe a bit too loudly.
“Huh?” Poe looked at him, his eyes looked sad but more concerned than anything.
Finn was caught off guard, “No, no, that wasn’t meant for you. I-I’m sorry.” He just stood there awkwardly, feet shuffling. He was way too scared to touch Poe to apologize further in fear that it might trigger something in him. Poe’s brow twitched and then he went back to fixing the settings on the ship.
Dumbass, the voice told Finn.
Shut up.
Finn sat on the bench behind the pilot and co-pilot seats. This day had barely started and it didn’t look like it was getting any better. Fiddling with his hands to pass the time, he waited for Poe to finish whatever he was doing. Finn didn’t actually know what Poe was doing. Right when he was about to ask, Poe says they’re all ready to go.
The flight to Pavo Prime wasn’t bad at all to Finn’s relief. They didn’t talk much at all except for a couple of “you okays” and “we’re fine.” They landed easily and were ready to go in under twenty minutes. There wasn’t much prep for the mission; it was an in and out one but for some reason both men kept stalling for the last ten minutes. Finn was the first one to say something and then they started to leave for the casino.
He was halfway off the ship when he realized he had no clue where he was going, “Uhh.” Finn turned back to look at Poe, so much for trying to lead this mission, huh? Poe pointed to the right of them and he led the rest of the way.
“Now, I know this is kind of obvious but since we’re…” He looked at Finn up and down, “A little off today, I’m going to just go over the rules for the sake of both of us.” Again, Finn didn’t listen. He didn’t think that he really needed to at the moment. Instead, he took that time to look around the place. It was a warm planet with plenty of water, everywhere you looked there were pools with all different kinds of fish in them. Most of them were pretty just for decor but nonetheless, Finn enjoyed it. He never got to see so many “pretty” things before.
They kept close to each other. For all this glass surrounding the marketplace leading up to the casino, Finn thought that there wouldn’t be as nearly as many people as there actually were infesting the place. Finn almost got separated from Poe but Poe had managed to grab hold of Finn’s wrist which cut off any passerby’s trying to break them apart. Every chance he could get, Finn would break off of Poe. I said to push it down, solider. So he did.
Just around the end of Poe’s long list, they had reached the casino. It was huge to Poe but Finn didn’t really think of its size, he was awed by the sparkles. It was entirely made of what looked like pearls along with frosted glass. It was one of the few things Finn had immediately labeled as beautiful. They both gaped at it for second and Poe was the first one to snap out of it.
“Finn, come on,” said Poe as he tugged on Finn’s sleeve, “We’ve got to be there before Ryn makes the deal. We’ve gotta see them.” Finn nodded.
The inside was even more beautiful. Though nothing like the sleek white outside, it was still as equally beautiful. Earthy tones surrounded them like it was made out of a huge tree’s trunk. Hundreds of tables were spread out across what seemed miles of the place. Thousands of people swarmed around them, looking over shoulders, soft cheering, sneaky looks, serving drinks; it was organized chaos. Green lights lined the bar to the right and next to that were separate rooms, only closed behind a heavy curtain, for the most intense, secretive games. Poe said it without even saying, they needed to camp out at the bar. That was the easiest spot. They would have a clear view of the whole casino as well as who went in and out of the secret rooms. The bar area is crowded enough to where they’re shielded by certain eyes if the need arose but not enough to where they can’t see everything they need to. As they sit down, a bartender comes up to them and asks for orders.
“I’ll have an appletini please,” Poe said.
Finn looked at him and squinted, “What the fuck is that.”
Poe just shrugged and winked at him, “I’ll let you try some when it comes.” That smile could’ve just killed Finn right then and there but he didn’t let it show. He nodded an okay then looked out in the sea of people. After a while of sitting there, they both were getting irritated. They didn’t see any suspicious activity at all around the rooms or out in the main room.
“What do they look like again?” Finn asked impatiently. Maybe he was looking for the wrong person, he thought. Poe recited the details straight from what General Organa said. Sure enough, Finn was looking for the right person.
“You’d think that--” Poe stopped in the middle of his thought and squinted. As casually as he could, Finn turned back to face the bar so he wouldn’t give them away. Poe confirmed that it was them. He told Finn to look at five o’clock while he swiveled back to face the bar.
It was definitely who they were looking for, Ryn Odai. They seemed to be heading for the gambling room in the very corner of the casino. Agreeing with just a look, the two men got up from their seats and headed over in Ryn’s direction. They both locked onto their target, seemingly forgetting that they were supposed to be subtle.
Then Finn heard bees.
Bees are never good.
Finn shot a look at the main gambling floor just as a table of people erupted from their seats. Shouting, they shot at each other while others all around them started to flee from the casino. Finn looked back at where Ryn was, they seemed startled and headed for the door, clutching their satchel tightly. Poe started to run after her so Finn followed. He didn’t exactly know what to do in this situation. As they poured out into the marketplace, Poe had lost Ryn. Cursing, he looked back to Finn and looked at him as if to ask, “What do we do now?”
Finn shrugged, “We should hang out here for a bit. Ryn is bound to stalk around for a bit trying to find the First Order officers they need.” Poe agreed. They walked around the now packed marketplace looking for a spot to linger around, whether it was a fruit stand or a jewelry stand, they just needed something to help them blend in. Finn’s several turns eventually led them into a wide alleyway filled with groups of people sticking to the walls, talking in hushed voices, giggling, and… Ugh. People were making out.
Poe chuckled a little, “You ran us right into the lover’s corner, Finn,” he whispered.
“Well, how was I supposed to know? It’s not like I even knew what a lover’s corner is! Much less where it was.” Finn staged whispered through gritted teeth. Poe pulled him over an empty spot on the wall and he asked if he was serious. Finn replied yes. How would he? Rubbing his cheek, Poe chuckled again in disbelief. His eyes would flick to the entrance of the alley every few seconds.
“It’s like an alley near all the clubs and bars where the lovers go,” said Poe, he was a little giggly.
Finn didn’t think that was a good sign, “Are you good enough to go through with this--” He cut himself off when he saw the warning in Poe’s eyes. Nope, he was okay. He didn’t look back because that would only draw attention. “Poe, man, what’s happening?”
“Quick, uh,” Poe searched Finn’s body for a second and calmly landed his hands on Finn’s hips, “Just go along and watch them.” Finn was already flustered by the contact but then Poe moved his arm to lay on Finn’s shoulder, presumably to hide their faces, and he almost lost it. Slowly, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe which pulled him closer. He didn’t mean for it to be so oddly intimate but the position makes it impossible for it not to be. Poe buried his face into the crook of Finn’s neck and leaned both of them on the wall, whispering for Finn to do the same after a few seconds of Finn staring at him, scared. Right then, he realized what they were going to look like. He did so but made sure he could see everything behind Poe. He tried his hardest to focus on the task and only the task at hand. They stayed there for a minute or so until Finn could see Ryn, they were looking all around for something. They stopped in the middle of the pathway, then headed into another alley that branched off to the left. Finn pushed off of Poe the moment he couldn’t see Ryn anymore. The pit in his stomach grew. Poe was smiling, he thought it was funny, but Finn definitely didn’t think the same. Poe started, “Did you have a blaster in your--”
“They went into the left alleyway, let’s go,” said Finn and immediately walked off, lightly brushing Poe’s shoulder. Poe had to jog a little bit to catch up with him, smile diminishing. He asked if Finn was okay to which he didn’t respond. Poe muttered a small, “okay.” Finn felt bad but only for a second. As they turned the corner, Finn noticed that all the signs were for hotels. This mission is too long, he thought. Luckily, they were able to catch a glimpse of Ryn entering a hotel called Prime Hotel. Without a word, both slowed their pace and gradually relaxed to lazy speed. Right as Finn was about to ask, Poe told him that he had money and started looking through his bag. They entered when they thought enough time had passed from Ryn’s entrance.
Inside, it was cramped which wasn’t a surprise to Finn. It was everything he had expected. He’d only wished the ceiling would’ve been a little higher.
“Hi, we’d like two beds, please?” Poe went up to the desk while Finn looked around. There wasn’t much to look except for the few paintings on the walls which seemed to be photos with paint faintly brushed on. “Are you sure,” Poe asked the lady at the desk. She nodded. Finn could see Poe’s shoulders droop. That was not a good sign. Waiting near the stairs, Finn watched Poe approach him, “We got one bed.”
Finn’s face dropped, “You gotta be kidding.”
“It was the only next Odai’s room. Yeah, I know. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fit all my stuff on the bed,” said Poe. That’s not what Finn was worried about. By the looks of this place, they wouldn’t have the luxury of a couch to sleep on or any bed substitute he could think of. He didn’t think he could sleep in the exact same bed as Poe.
Finn fiddled with his fingers as they went up to their room. He was silent for the most part and Poe stopped talking about their plan as they neared their room. Finn has guessed right. Their room only had a bed, a nightstand on one side, and a chair in the corner.
Thump. Someone had entered their own room.
And thin walls. Finn wasn’t sure he’d make the night. Poe started to dump the contents of his bag onto the bed, which contained probably way more than what they actually needed and kneeled on the floor, looking through the pile.
Figuring the only way to get this conversation over quickly was diving straight into it, Finn jumped in, “Okay since this dilemma can only be solved one way, I’ll sleep on the floor. I’m totally fine with it and I can be on the lookout for most--”
“Wait, wait. Do you think we’re sleeping here?” Poe looked at him from over his shoulder.
“Well, I don’t know how long this is going to take…” Finn stood dumbly in the middle of the room.
“Trust me, I promised it would be an in and out sort of thing, so don’t worry.” Poe stood and faced him straight on. Finn relaxed to the sound of that. Maybe this wreck of a mission would be over before he knew it. Sighing, he took a seat in the frail chair across from Poe. “You know, or unless you want to stay longer?” Poe was smiling a childish smile at Finn and winked. When he saw Finn’s face, he shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut.
For some reason, Finn was caught off guard at that moment. All the other quips and jokes were sort of empty in interest but that comment was more of an invitation than a joke. He froze with widened eyes. Poe had returned to looking for the paper but Finn stared at him. Frankly, he was done with the teasing. He was done with Poe playing with his feelings with such meaningless quips.
Finn blew out an exasperated breath, “You really need to stop. Y-you can’t do that anymore.” Poe’s head shot up to look at him. His brows were furrowed with concern and confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“Play with my feelings like that, Poe. You can’t just make me act like your-- whatever and then expect me to be fine with it.” Finn stood up and started to pace, “You know I like you. Now can you just stop playing? I don’t know what you’re trying to get at but it hurts. I’m- I’m not supposed to feel this way and you’re making it worse. Just stop… please.”
“What?” Poe said louder as he stood up. He didn’t sound mad, but he didn’t sound happy either.
“Rey told me it was obvious that I have feelings for you? Oh, F-”
THUMP.
It was the wall connecting their room to Ryn Odai’s. Finn looked at the wall right as some dust from the ceiling sprinkled to the floor.
HEY!
Looking back at Poe, he had the same thought Finn had in his eyes. They had to go over there now. They raced out of the small door and right up to the next door. Poe tried knocking and yelling, “Are you okay?” but when the only response was someone screaming, they decided that knocking the door down was a better option. Finn told Poe to stand back. He was the most cut out for this job because Poe was actually pretty weak and they both knew it. After a few rams into the door, it came off the hinges. Stepping over the door to get in, Finn and Poe turned to see Ryn with a blaster in one hand pointing to a man on the floor and in the other, the USB they needed. The man on the floor looked at them with utter fear and murmured a “help me.” Ryn never took their eyes off of him.
“Hey now,” said Poe. He put his hands up as if he was trying to tame a large animal. He looked intently at Ryn, who only side-eyed him.
“Get up, Silas,” Ryn said to the other man as they flicked their blaster up a bit. Silas stood as slowly as he could, hands up in surrender. Ryn pushed the blaster up to Silas’ temple then looked at Finn and Poe. Their face was stone. “Why are you in my room,” they asked, calmly.
“We heard a bang and wanted to make sure you were alright,” Finn blurted out. Poe then looked at him with a face that told Finn that that wasn’t the right thing to say.
“So your best thought was to break down the door,” they said.
“To be completely honest, we did knock first.”
“Please help me…” Silas started to sob. Ryn pushed their blaster into his head more which made him cry even harder but kept him quiet. Ryn was still staring at Poe.
“So, here’s what we’re going to do,” Poe said as he crept closer to the two smugglers, “You can take that blaster off his head and we’ll let you go.” He stopped when he was only a meter away from them.
“And why would I do that? He went behind my back. Tried to steal this,” they lifted the USB in their hand. “He deserves his rightful punishment.” They looked at him again and Poe took advantage. He elbowed Ryn which made them loosen their grip on their blaster. He quickly grabbed it and pointed it at Ryn while Finn snatched Poe’s from his holster and pointed it at Silas.
Poe chuckled, he always loved the confused look on their faces when he pulls these kinds of stunts. He told Ryn there were two ways this situation could go: either they hand over the USB or he’ll get the USB himself, “It’s your choice, kid.”
After a minute of staring, Ryn relaxed and handed over the USB, “It’s not worth it.” They squinted their eyes at him.
“That’s the spirit.”
In a few minutes, they had the two thieves tied up and ready to board their ship. It wasn’t hard to get through the crowd at this time of night. Barely anyone was out and if you were on the streets, no one asked questions, no one looked your way. Finally, they were on the ship and ready to go. Finn decided that it was easier to sit with Ryn and Silas than it was to sit with Poe for half an hour. He couldn’t believe that he outed himself like that. Poe definitely didn’t know.
For the most part, they were all silent until Ryn took their murderous look off of Silas and looked out the window, “Where are you taking us?”
“We’re taking you to the Resistance base from where you stole the USB,” Finn replied without even looking up. He was too focused on sulking. Ryn scoffed while Silas gave a relieved sigh.
When they landed, a group was waiting for them. They traded off the smugglers to the interrogators and as they watched all of them leave, Finn felt a flutter in his chest. Poe was standing to the left of him, arms lightly brushing. Trying to make it not so obvious, he hugged himself with his left arm so they wouldn’t be touching anymore. Then without a word, he decided it was enough and left to go back to his room. Poe tried to call out to him. He really wanted to talk about what happened at the hotel but Finn was ignoring him. He muttered to himself as he went back to his room. BB-8 tagged along on the way. It chirped along, asking questions about the mission, why Finn wasn’t with him, and so on. He told it that he was not in the mood. His mouth tasted sour just from thinking about it. Poe knew that Finn had always been a little flustered by his own snarky comments but if he had known how he had felt about him and how he felt about the jokes, Poe would have stopped. In an instant. BB-8 gave him a sad bwoop. It knew he was irritated but he didn’t want to say it all out loud. Entering his room, he stood in the middle for a few minutes, absently thinking. He thought of things but he didn’t know what they were. Poe finally noticed BB was hitting him in the leg.
“Finn. Okay? What wrong?” BB-8 beeped.
Poe was tired of standing so he sat on his cot, surrounded by dirty laundry, “It’s a long story, BB, but basically I was just making my jokes right? I was trying to give Finn hints and everything, you know that I liked him, but he thought I was teasing him! He thought that I was playing with him and that I knew he liked me. I didn’t know! I was about to give up after this mission since he didn’t seem into it like usual… Now he won’t talk to me.”
“Tell Finn.”
“You’d think he’d listen though?”
BB chirped a yes.
“Okay,” Poe said. He needed to get things straight with Finn now. He got up and made a beeline for Finn’s quarters. It wasn’t a long walk but it felt like one. Thoughts were buzzing in his head. What would he say? They clouded his mind, too much at once. When the thoughts dissipated, he found himself standing in front of Finn’s door. He seemed to be paralyzed for a second, he just couldn’t make himself knock on the door. Poe eventually muscled up the strength to knock but there was no answer. He decided he should let himself in because Finn was probably ignoring him. The door opened and Poe was greeted to the sight of Finn sitting on his bed, just like Poe was before.
“Hey,” said Poe, “I know that I’m probably the last person you want to talk to but I wanted to explain myself?”
“What makes you think I want to hear it?” Finn didn’t look up from his lap, head still in his hands.
Poe opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. That hurt. “I just… I just wanted to say that I wasn’t trying to play with you. I meant no harm, Finn. You know that. You have to…”
“It makes me feel broken, Poe. I’ve been told my whole life that I can’t feel, I can’t… love. It hurts even if you weren’t trying to make it. Just knowing that you made all those empty comments. It hurts.” He started to cry. Finn hated himself for it. You can’t cry, FN-2187, the voice told him but he willed it away.
Poe got closer and kneeled on the floor next to him. He thought of putting a hand on his leg but wisely decided against it. He whispered Finn’s name over and over. He told him not to cry and that it was okay. Poe hated seeing Finn like this. He didn’t want him to cry, he didn’t ever. Finn looked up at him, eyes barely open and sniffling. Before Poe even knew what he was doing, he placed a hand on Finn’s cheek and looked at him solemnly. He closed his eyes and gave him a soft kiss. It was slow and gentle and it lasted for a few seconds. When Poe broke off, Finn’s eyes were as big as marbles. He was startled, Finn hadn’t felt anything like that before.
Poe continued, his voice soft, “But the thing is Finn, they weren’t empty. They were attempts. If-If you understand what I mean?” Finn just looked at him with questioning. “Finn what I’m trying to say is that… I-I love you. And I have since the start.” Poe started to tear up. Just to say that out loud, to the man he loves, was something so relieving. He felt a stone lift off his shoulders. Poe felt better.
Finn searched Poe’s eyes for anything other than sincerity and found nothing. He actually meant what he said and Finn couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t stop crying. How did he manage to find such a caring man like Poe seemingly out of nowhere?
“Poe, I-I,” Finn wanted to say it. He wanted it so badly but he just couldn’t push it out.
“Shh,” Poe pulled him into a hug, his hand on the back of Finn’s neck, “You don’t have to. I know now.” Finn held him tightly, never wanting to let go.
One day Finn will be able to say it, both know it, but for now, just their embrace is enough. One day both of them will be complete. Now, the only thing they need is time and they have all the time in the world.