Chapter Text
Taehyun is close with all the members and he knows that he can tell them anything, but he hasn’t yet found the time to tell them about his longest kept secret. The members know he doesn’t really like to talk about his family, but he hasn’t ever told them why, and they’ve never pushed him to. It’s not that he doesn’t trust them, but he just doesn’t know how to bring it up, he’s never had a reason to.
He generally avoids talking about his family because it brings back bad memories and he just doesn’t know what to say. His parents were constantly arguing when he and his siblings were growing up. It wasn’t always that way, but it really started getting bad when he was in middle school. Nearly all his memories of his parents consist of him hiding in his room trying to ignore the sounds of his parents arguing and occasionally throwing something against the wall. His siblings tried to help by acting like nothing was happening, but in a way that made him feel worse. He wanted to talk about it and feel like he was less alone, but his siblings were set on forgetting that anything was wrong.
It didn’t help that he didn’t have many friends in school either. He can be extraverted when he wants to, but the issues at home just encouraged him to retreat into his introverted shell even more. He’s never seen his introverted nature as a problem, but it certainly didn’t help at a time when he was already fearful of trusting anyone. It wasn’t often that his parents dragged him into their problems, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes, he would come home and find himself being forced to choose which parent was right or he would be facing a lecture on how he’s the cause of all the problems in their family. There was always something he was doing wrong, and more often than not, one of his parents would end up storming out of the house.
He could cope with arguing ok. Usually, he would just hide in his room and put in some earbuds. The aggressive yelling was one of the worst things and he assumes this is part of the reason he gets frightened by loud sounds. The constant criticism was also difficult, but the thing he hated most was when one of his parents would storm out of the house after an argument. Every time they fought, Taehyun would find himself getting extremely anxious over who would leave this time and if they would even come back. His parents always returned in the end, but it didn’t frighten him any less, and sometimes one of them would even say they were going to abandon the family for good. He always hated when they said that because they were the only people he had, and if they left then he would really be alone. Even if they weren’t the best people, he didn’t have many, if any, people he could trust outside of their family.
He endured all the fighting and toxic behavior all the way until high school when he started aiming to become a k-pop idol. And once he became a real trainee, it was a huge relief for various reasons, the main one being that he didn’t have to live at home anymore. He remembers his first day at the dorm. Even though they all went to bed way too late and some of the other boys were way too loud, it was a thousand times better than any night he’d had in the last couple of years. He would even take hours of excruciating practice, horrible sleep, and then school the next day without complaint because he still saw that as an improvement over his home life.
It took him a while to warm up to the other members of TXT due to his past, but now he trusts them fully. Their quirky and open personalities also made it easier for him to connect to them. Kai was probably the easiest for Taehyun to get along with because they’re the same age and the slightly younger boy has such an innocent air about him that just draws people in. Something about Kai just makes Taehyun want to protect him and be his friend. He also found Beomgyu easy to get along with once the older boy dropped his serious facade and let his goofy and crackhead behavior shine through. It took him longer to get to know Soobin and Yeonjun because he was originally intimidated by them, but now he knows that they’re both just sweet at heart and also still very childlike.
He’s been doing much better now that he isn’t living at home. He has strong relationships with all the members now, he has friends at school, and his siblings even occasionally text him to see how he’s doing. His sister has even asked him how he’s putting up with their parents. Of course, he told her that he doesn’t see them that often now because of his idol life and high school, but she still checks in on him about it. He doesn’t really keep in touch with his parents and he rarely seems them because he chooses to avoid them. However, when he does visit, the atmosphere is still as tense as it was when he was a kid so he opts not to stay long. He’d rather avoid the place that caused him so much pain.
Taehyun likes to believe that he’s over what happened in the past, but deep down he knows he’s not and that maybe he never will be. He’s definitely improved, but he’s not over it. Sometimes, he’ll have nightmares about his parents hurting him or one of his siblings which will never cease to terrify him. It’s not often, but there are some things that do trigger his bad memories, like when he sees people physically fighting, yelling loudly, or an unexpected loud sound. He also sometimes finds it hard when he’s at the dorm alone or when one of the members has to leave for their own schedule. Some part of his brain still tells him that there’s a possibility that one of his hyungs will actually abandon him and it’s terrifying. He knows it won’t happen, but that doesn’t stop him from thinking about it.
Obviously, the members have fought before. That’s what happens when you’re in a group, especially if you live together. However, there’s never been a super serious argument between any of them and it’s never gotten physical. Soobin made sure to establish that when they all moved into the dorms. He said that physical fights are absolutely not allowed. Taehyun does get anxious when any of them fight, even more so when he’s involved, but still it’s never induced an anxiety attack for him. He’s not entirely sure why, but he’ll take it for now.
He’s grateful for all the opportunities he’s had since becoming part of TXT, and he’s especially grateful for the members who have always been patient with him and supported him in their own ways. That’s a major reason he wants to share about his past, but he also thinks it will help ease some of his anxiety by sharing how he’s feeling. He trusts all his brothers and he wants to tell them, but he doesn’t know how.
This leads him to his current predicament. He’s decided that he’s going to tell the members tonight. It’s the third Friday of the month which means it’s movie night after practice, so they’re all going to be home at the same time. This means he can tell them all at once. He’s been planning this for a while now, but it’s much different when it’s actually the day he has to execute it. He’s currently writing out exactly what he wants to say tonight on a piece of paper. It looks pretty good on paper, but he knows that it’s going to be much harder when he actually has to say it out loud. Writing out what he wants to say has always helped him. He likes to think that he’s in control and it is almost an outlet that helps him ease his nervousness a bit before he actually has to say anything. He feels a little weird about writing this out since it’s just the members, but he’s also irrationally terrified about their reaction. If writing everything out helps then he’s going to do it. He just hopes that everything goes smoothly.
Taehyun finishes writing one last sentence when a knock on the door startles him. He snaps his head up and meets Beomgyu’s amused face.
“What are you doing?” The older boy asks lightly.
“Just something I’ve been working on for a while,” Taehyun answers vaguely.
Beomgyu narrows his eyes at him but Taehyun just laughs.
“Don’t worry hyung! You’ll get it soon.”
“That’s really suspicious Taehyunnie, but I trust you so I guess it’s fine,” Beomgyu drawls, “Anyway, we’re leaving soon so I came to get you.”
“Oh ok.”
The vocalist quickly folds the piece of paper, shoves it under his pillow, and grabs his phone before following Beomgyu out to the living room. Kai is busy hanging off of Soobin like usual, and Yeonjun is already dressed and ready to go. He’s got his shoes on though so he just leans against the door waiting for the rest of the members to hurry up since he doesn’t want to take his shoes off just to step back into the room.
“Kai! Seriously get off, we have to leave or we’re going to be late,” the leader complains.
“Then just carry me!”
“No. You’re too heavy.”
That comment immediately causes Kai to start whining and Taehyun knows the leader will have to give in now if he wants them to leave the dorm anytime today. Meanwhile, the vocalist makes his way over to the door, shrugs on his jacket, and tries to find a pair of shoes to wear. When he leans over to tie his right shoe, he feels someone ruffle his hair and hears Yeonjun’s fond laugh.
“What?” He asks without looking up.
“Nothing. You just look extra squishable today.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means Yeonjun-hyung’s probably going to be hanging off you a lot today,” Beomgyu helpfully supplies.
“Even more than Kai with Soobin-hyung?” Taehyun teases.
The other two laugh at that. Yeonjun just smirks at him afterward and Taehyun takes that for a yes. He doesn’t really mind though. After about ten more minutes of shuffling around, they all finally make it out of the dorm and into the car where the driver quickly pulls out. If they weren’t late before, they definitely are now. Considering how energetic everyone was just a few moments later, Taehyun’s surprised at how quickly they all fell asleep in the car. Kai is passed out and leaning against the car window on his right, Beombyu is asleep in the passenger’s seat, and Soobin and Yeonjun have also drifted off in the back. It doesn’t surprise him too much though, they haven’t been getting a lot of sleep with all the late practices lately. To be honest, he should be trying to get a quick power nap in too, but his brain is too active for that to happen right now.
Taehyun ends up just playing aimlessly on his phone the whole time until they arrive. He needs something to distract him from freaking out about the talk tonight and he doesn’t want to wake up one of the members. He finishes a couple of YouTube videos by the time they finally arrive and at that point, most of the members are awake except for Soobin. Taehyun considers playing a prank on their leader but then ultimately decides not to when he sees how tired he looks. A familiar sense of guilt starts to settle in his stomach, but he tries not to let it totally consume him. The doors to the car open up and the members all pile out. Taehyun watches Yeonjun jostle their leader awake before he steps out himself.
Taehyun easily falls into step behind Beomgyu and Kai, who look full of energy, as they practically race each other to the entertainment building. It doesn’t take long though before Soobin appears on his left side and Yeonjun on his right and the rapper slings an arm around Taehyun’s shoulders.
“Have a nice nap?”
“I actually didn’t sleep,” the singer responds, but he quickly explains himself when he sees Yeonjun narrow his eyes. “I got a lot of sleep last night so I’m not really that tired,” he lies.
He prays that his hyung doesn’t see right through him, and luckily, the older boy drops the subject.
“Ok. Well, you’ll definitely be tired tonight. I think we’re in for another late night with all the dances we have to go over.”
Taehyun sighs and Soobin and Yeonjun both give him sympathetic looks.
“It’ll be ok,” Soobin reassures and Taehyun gives him a small smile.
“Thanks, hyung.”
He misses the look the two oldest share as he quickly jogs on ahead to try and see what Kai and Beomgyu are up to.
“We should talk to him,” the rapper whispers.
Soobin sighs as he watches the maknae line mess around in the hallway.
“I know, but I don’t want to push him too much.”
“Yeah, but it’s been weeks and I know he hasn’t been sleeping. Something is obviously wrong, it’s not just the nightmares.”
“I know I know. He’s been pulling away recently. I think it’s something serious, he usually comes to us with everything but something about this is holding him back. That’s why I don’t want to force him to tell us.”
Yeonjun sighs.
“Fine. We’ll give him a few days. If he doesn’t tell us by then, I think we should confront him about it. I think it’s doing more harm than good to let him keep stalling, but yeah I don’t want him to think we’re forcing him to tell us,” the rapper explains.
“Ok. That sounds like a plan. Until then, we’ll just go at his pace ok?”
“Alright,” Yeonjun shrugs.
The hyung line enters the practice room shortly after the maknaes do and go to put their water bottles on top of the cabinet. Beomgyu is animatedly talking about something and Kai is nodding just as enthusiastically while Taehyun just smiles at both of them. He’s perfectly content to just watch the other two talk right now. Soobin tells them to stretch for a few minutes and then they’ll start. Taehyun finds himself partnered with Kai a few seconds later and the two of them fall into a nice routine. The maknae does a stretch, Taehyun helps, and then they switch.
It’s going smoothly overall, but at some point, something in the atmosphere changes. Taehyun can’t tell exactly what it is, but it’s making him jittery. He’s suddenly hyperaware of what’s happening and keeps flickering his eyes around to see what’s going on. When he glances to his right, he sees Soobin and Yeonjun having a heated whisper battle. He can’t hear what they’re saying, but their facial expressions look tense. He quickly averts his eyes and goes back to staring at the floor as Kai helps him stretch. He can feel the youngest’s fingers on his back as if they’re on fire. It’s like he can feel each of Kai’s individual fingers digging into his skin even though it makes no logical sense.
Taehyun sucks in a deep breath to try and ground himself. He knows this feeling. He can feel his anxiety starting to spike and he needs to rein it in now before it gets worse. The brunette focuses on the sound and sensation of his breathing in an attempt to block out all the other senses his brain is trying to overload him with. He’s probably overreacting for nothing. Soobin and Yeonjun are fine. They’re probably just excited about whatever they’re talking about. Before he can start to question that statement and maybe the two actually are fighting, Soobin breaks the silence.
“Alright, guys. Let’s start. We’ve got a lot to do today but I know we can do it. Let’s start by going over Crown first.”
Taehyun feels when Kai retracts his hands by the loss of heat. The maknae helps him up before heading to his own position and Taehyun watches as Beomgyu heads to the front. Everyone is getting ready, he needs to move. He tunes out the sound of his footsteps and other unnecessary information as he makes his way to his spot for the first part of Crown. If he just focuses on one thing then it’s less overwhelming. Taehyung makes it to his position and then the music starts seconds later. He then shifts his focus to remembering the choreography to try and distract himself from everything else going on. He just needs to hold on for a few more hours and then he can rest.
It’s almost eight at night now and all of them are exhausted. They’ve been taking breaks, but it hasn’t been enough. The choreographer is being very particular today and he’s showing them very little mercy. He’s been criticizing everyone but Beomgyu and Soobin have been receiving it the most. He can tell that everyone’s reaching the end of their rope and he prays that the dance instructor will release them soon. Soobin looks extremely tense and Beomgyu looks a mixture of defeated and frustrated. The energy in the room has shifted and it’s making Taehyun anxious to the point of wanting to be sick. It happens occasionally when he’s really tense, but he hasn’t experienced it in a while.
The dance instructor suddenly sighs and runs a hand over his face. Taehyun feels his stomach drop in anticipation and his mind starts to race with all the different situations this could lead to.
“Ok. Let’s end for today. It seems like you guys are too distracted right now so we’re going to stop here. But I expect you to come in earlier tomorrow and focused so we can get everything done. We’re behind now, but if we keep pushing tonight I know it will just get sloppier. See you guys tomorrow bright and early at six.”
His sneakers echo loudly in Taehyun’s ears as he walks away and the five of them watch the door shut heavily behind him. Soobin moves first and trudges over to the wall where he flops down and aggressively grabs his water bottle. The rest of them quietly grab their own bottles and try not to disturb the leader. They’re all wary of what’s going to happen and none of them want to aggravate the older. At least that’s what Taehyun thinks until he sees Yeonjun approach the rigid lead vocalist.
“Soobin-ah, do you want help with your part in Run Away?”
Nothing about Yeonjun’s body language or his facial expression reveals any sort of frustration at the vocalist. In fact, he looks very neutral and like he genuinely wants to help, except that’s not how Soobin interprets it. It might be the stress and the fact that he was constantly getting drilled during practice, but Soobin snaps. He stares at Yeonjun for a solid four seconds before responding.
“Thanks, hyung, but I’m ok. I don’t need someone else on my case too,” the leader replies slowly.
Yeonjun freezes and he opens his mouth in shock at the unusual sass. Soobin is never this blatantly disrespectful and it’s throwing them all for a loop. Yeonjun shakes his head and then looks Soobin in the eye once he recovers.
“What did you just say?”
Taehyun feels his breath catch and he has to tell himself to breathe normally. He sees Beomgyu and Kai also freeze up in his peripheral vision. Please don’t fight please don’t fight the vocalist repeats in his head. The tension in the air is thick and it reminds Taehyun too much of how things were right before his parents would fight. Soobin has never been so aggressive before and Yeonjun has never reacted to it like this either. At this point, he has no idea where this is going to go.
“Forget it. I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks for offering though,” the leader mumbles, but it’s horribly sarcastic.
“Soobin. What is wrong with you?” Yeonjun asks harshly.
“Nothing. I told you I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
“And we aren’t?!” The rapper suddenly shouts.
Taehyun shrinks back and lowers his gaze to the floor. He can’t watch. He can’t watch his hyungs fight, he doesn’t want to see them yelling at each other like his parents did.
“That’s not what I said. I know you guys are tired too,” Soobin says lowly.
Yeonjun lets out an exasperated sigh and raises his hands up in a defeated gesture.
“Then why are you snapping at me?”
Soobin abruptly stands up to try and gain some advantage over the oldest. He steps forward so he can use his height and glares down at the rapper.
“Hyung. I’m asking you nicely to please back off.”
Obviously, that was not the right thing to say because a moment later Yeonjun steps in closer to try and get in Soobin’s space. There’s a beat of silence while the two of them exchange heated gazes, each trying to intimidate the other, and then the yelling starts.
Watching the two oldest argue and try to blame each other for different things throws Taehyun back to when he was a kid and having to watch his parents scream at each other. Soobin and Yeonjun aren’t as loud, but the anger is still very much present and his fear is still very much real. He wants to do something, he needs to do something. He needs to apologize, he’s not sure where it’s coming from but he feels responsible for what’s happening right now. Maybe if he had worked harder or tried to lighten the mood when Soobin was still receptive this wouldn’t be happening.
Beomgyu watches their two hyungs fight with a mixture of horror and shock. They’ve never argued like this before and it’s honestly really scary. He has no idea what to do. He wants to do something but he doesn’t know what. He definitely doesn’t want to make the situation worse. When he glances to his right though, what he sees is almost worse than Soobin and Yeonjun’s fight. Kai’s eyes are wide with fear and he looks just as scared as Beomgyu feels, but Taehyun’s state is by far the worst and most concerning. He’s shaking with what Beomgyu assumes is fear, he looks far too pale, and he looks absolutely terrified. The fact that he’s pushed himself all the way back against the wall and is trying to make himself even smaller just makes it worse. Taehyun is usually the most composed of all of them, even though they’ve told him he can let down his walls around them, so the fact that he’s on the verge of tears tells Beomgyu something is seriously wrong.
Luckily, Kai also seems to notice this and goes to try and ask his friend what’s wrong. That’s all the prompting Beomgyu needs before he’s on his feet and trying to break Soobin and Yeonjun up. He decides to latch onto Soobin first since he’s the closest and goes to capture the leader’s right arm that’s pointing at the rapper.
“Hyung stop!” The blonde yells.
When Soobin shrugs him off he decides to change tactics and grabs a fistful of Soobin’s shirt and tries to pull him away. That doesn’t work either so Beomgyu, in an act of desperation, worms his way in between his hyungs and stretches his arms out to try and push them apart. He hopes that at least his presence in the middle will stop them because he assumes that they don’t want to hurt him. Luckily, he’s right. Unfortunately, they don’t look any less angry.
“You know what? I’m done. I’m going to go take a walk before I say anything else I regret. See you at the dorm,” Yeonjun states coldly.
He marches over to the cabinet, grabs his jacket and phone and then storms out of the room. The door slams behind him and the four other members are left in disbelief. Soobin hadn’t stopped the rapper, but Beomgyu thinks that was for the best. If they had tried to force him to stay then it really would have gotten even uglier. Beomgyu looks past Soobin to try and locate Kai and Taehyun when he suddenly realizes that their second youngest member is missing.
“Where’s Taehyun!?” The dancer asks desperately.
Soobin whips around to where Beomgyu is staring and is met with only Kai looking back at the two of them with frightened eyes.
“I-I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I went to touch him and ask him what was wrong but then he flinched so hard and I got scared and I let him go and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” the maknae rambles.
Kai is panicking now and it’s heartbreaking to see. It wasn’t his fault at all and they need to let him know that. Soobin drops to his knees and Beomgyu feels his chest tighten in anxiety, but then the leader just reaches over to gently tug Kai’s hoodie as an invitation for a hug. The maknae takes it and lets Soobin pull him into his lap and Kai wraps his arms around the leader’s middle in return. Soobin softly pets his head as he lets Kai cry and calm down while he attempts to apologize.
“I’m sorry Hyuka. Hyung’s sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I was just frustrated and I took it out on Yeonjun-hyung. I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’ll talk to Yeonjun-hyung when he gets back and apologize. We’re ok, I promise.”
After a few more minutes of sniffling and reassuring, Kai finally sits up and rubs at his eyes. Beomgyu and Soobin feel their hearts melt at his cuteness, but they also feel guilt tug at them from how tired he looks.
“I forgive you hyung. I know that you didn’t mean it so as long as you apologize to Yeonjun-hyung I guess it’s ok. Just don’t do it again, that was scary.”
At the mention of the word scary, Beomgyu is jolted back to reality.
“We have to find Taehyun. Kai, do you have any idea where he went?”
The maknae frowns and his eyebrows draw together in worry.
“I’m not sure. He bolted out of here, but just knowing his personality I think he probably went somewhere quiet and dark. He does that at the dorm when he gets stressed like he’ll turn all the lights out in the room and huddle under the bed sometimes.”
Soobin isn’t sure what to make of that explanation, but it is helpful. He’s not entirely sure if that’s a great coping method, but he’ll have to save asking about it for later. They have to find Taehyun first.
“Ok. Let’s split up and look. Everyone take your phone and call if you find him. I’ll call Yeonjun-hyung and let him know what’s going on,” the leader explains calmly.
“Hyung are you sure?” Beomgyu asks lightly.
Soobin doesn’t have to ask to know what Beomgyu means. He’s wondering if he’ll be able to stay in control when he talks to Yeonjun. The leader stands up and rests a comforting hand on Beomgyu’s shoulder.
“I’ve got it. Thank you,” he smiles genuinely.
He sees Beomgyu visibly relax before nodding and moving to go get his phone. The three of them quickly make a plan and then Soobin sends the other two off before he dials Yeonjun’s number. Once Beomgyu and Kai are out of earshot, Soobin tries to call their eldest member. It rings three times and Soobin starts to worry that he’s not going to pick up when the call finally connects.
“Hello?” A cold voice answers.
Soobin takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself this time before speaking.
“Hyung, I,” the leader hesitates, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t really angry at you. I was angry at myself and I was frustrated that I kept getting the steps wrong and I took it out on you and I’m sorry. I know that’s not an excuse, and I really am sorry. I’m actually calling because we’ve also got an issue and I need your help.”
There’s a long pause and Soobin feels himself starting to spiral when the oldest sighs deeply. Soobin can picture him clearly running a tired hand through his hair.
“I forgive you, but Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun trails off.
“Yes?”
“Next time, just talk to me. Also, I’m sorry for what I said earlier too and what’s the issue?”
It’s a good thing that Yeonjun forgives easily. He’s not one to hold grudges. Soobin can hear the concern in the older boy’s voice and it simultaneously touches him that he cares so much about all of them and also guilty since he’s responsible for what’s happening.
“I will. Anyway, Taehyun’s missing. Once you left I turned around and he wasn’t there anymore. Kai said that Taehyun flinched away from him when he tried to help and that he looked really frightened. We’re trying to look for him now, but we could use your help. Kai said that he’s probably hiding somewhere quiet and dark,” Soobin explains rapidly.
He can hear panting on the other end and knows that Yeonjun is already on his way.
“Ok, I’m coming. I’ll be there in five. If you find him before then call me,” is all the rapper pants.
“Got it.”
Soobin then ends the call and jogs out of the practice room to go search for Taehyun too. He desperately hopes that Taehyun is ok. He feels incredibly guilty because he’s almost one hundred percent sure that it was the fight that scared Taehyun and he needs to know if he’s ok. He needs to let him know that Soobin isn’t angry with Yeonjun or any of them. With that thought, Soobin picks up the pace. They’ve got to find him.