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Of course he went to the fucking church.
He hoped Paul would be asleep. The man's haunted betrayed face burning a hole in him was the only real memory Hardy had of the interrogation, the stress causing his heart to act up and his memory to weaken. It's not like he could rely on Ellie to remind him. Alec and Paul had been alone. Just like- Hardy stopped himself from dwelling on the case as he scrambled awkwardly up the hill to the church. The only light was the low lights in the sanctuary that always stayed on. He hoped once again that Paul would be asleep. It was 1am and the rest of the town was dark.
When he gripped the door to the sanctuary, he almost expected it to be locked. He expected to go back to his house and stare at a shadowy wall and wait until morning. He expected to wait until the horrible trial began and to wait until the doctors brought him in to cut open his chest and shove cold metal inside him. He felt he was always just waiting for things. Any attempt at motion seemed almost futile these days.
He had told Tess about the surgery, a mistake. Her eyes full of pity and something akin to irritation. He knew she thought he shouldn't have let it get this bad. She would never have put up with him handling his illness this way. It's not like she had much right to judge anymore, though Hardy knew that certainly wouldn't stop her.
He wasn't even fully clear on why he was here. It wasn't like he believed God would save him or even believed in the concept of a god. He just needed to go somewhere and this was where he had ended up. He often felt like he was just stumbling through life these days. Numb. Nothing. Nauseous.
He approached the front where there was a podium with a microphone which seemed almost comical and modern next to the cross and fabrics adorning the small area. He reached out to touch a stretch of fabric folded over the communion table when he heard someone clear their throat.
"Hello, DI Hardy." Paul's voice called from off to the side and it startled Alec's hands away from the crisp linen.
"Ah, Paul, sorry I-" Hardy stutters.
Paul's eyes are cold and hard, "Investigating?"
He's annoyed and he is probably right to be because it's certainly inappropriate for Hardy to stroll into his church in the middle of the night.
"No.. I was just...." He doesn't know what he was doing, "The light was on."
Paul's face was surprised then he seemed to clear his expression away. It was off putting to watch Paul shift from suspicious of him into the vicar of the church. Hardy wished he would just be Paul right now.
"Are you looking for counseling?" Paul asked with a calm practiced neutrality.
Hardy watched him for another moment, distrust sparking inside him again. This was what made him suspicious of Paul, even more so than the wandering nights or lack of alibi. It was how he seemed about ready to tear Hardy apart one moment and then serene and calm the next. It was an act and a very good one. Hardy wasn't the type of man who trusted those who could hide their emotions away. He denied to himself that he was jealous of the ability and blamed his distrust solely on his experience as a police officer. The problem with that is that he had no reason to think, even under wild speculation, that Paul was anything but a nice man who he had been unkind to in his efforts to catch a killer.
Hardy looked at him properly saw that despite the neutral mask the man looked tired.
"I'm not. Sorry for the disturbance." Hardy looked away hoping that Paul knew he was sorry for more than just that.
"It's nothing." Paul said, jaw tight. "I was up anyway."
The way he said it was a reminder that they both knew Hardy was aware of his insomnia and Paul was bitter about it. People didn't really enjoy having all their person issues pried from them forceably in the pursuit of justice. Hardy wished a hole would swallow him up or that he'd hit his head and forget about Paul Coates completely. If only just to appease the anger that Paul held behind his well maintained masked expression.
"Right. I'll be off. Sorry again.. to disturb you." Hardy grimaced at the air and turned to leave.
"The church welcomes all, Alec. Even you." Paul called after him, almost bitterly, but not quite.
"I doubt it." He said with a harsh chuckle and strode away.