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“Buck, you’re on dunk tank duty for the weekend.” Bobby announces that morning, much to everyone’s unfettered glee.
Chimney and Hen can barely hide their smiles. Eddie--who hasn’t looked at Buck in over a week, not since the lawsuit matter was finally settled--zeroes in on him like a hawk searching for its prey.
Buck gulps nervously and tries to voice his discontent with the idea. “I’m not really comf--”
But Bobby talks right over him, as though he hadn’t uttered a single word. “Alright, meeting adjourned, everyone to your stations, c’mon.”
And that’s that.
The others disperse quickly and begin preparing for the annual H.O.L.A. event. Every summer, for the past ten years now, the firehouse has hosted the carnival fair in support of a charity for underprivileged children in the city of L.A.
Buck remembers eagerly volunteering for the dunk tank last year, because he thought it’d be fun--and it had been! He’d made funny faces at the kids to get them to try and hit the target, and laughed at all the adults--both men and women--attempting to get the “hot fireman” wet.
He’d only gotten dunked a couple of times during his eight hour shift, and the second time, when the sun had no longer been out and the water was starting to get a little chilly, the Captain had brought Buck back inside the station to dry off. He’d practically engulfed him in this big white towel and made sure he wouldn’t catch a cold or anything.
Buck has a feeling this year he won’t be getting any coddling from the Cap in those regards. Thankfully it’s a nice warm day, and hopefully Buck can swallow down whatever silly anxieties he’s feeling about being under water right now.
Buck tries one last time before the actual event starts to tell Bobby he’s not very comfortable with the position he’s working, he’d like to switch, if possible, he’ll do literally any other job there is, hell, he’d gladly volunteer to clean the entire rig all by himself today while everyone's out here having a good time, if that’ll make the team happier. But Bobby, like before, ignores any complaints or concerns, rolls his eyes at him, even, which does sting a little.
In the end, Buck, wearing a thin white t-shirt and a pair of swim trunks, shakily sits over the tank of water, his feet dangling, his palms sweating where they grip at the edge of his seat. He’s not sure what’s worse; waiting to get dunked, or the actual dunking itself.
Several carnival goers stop to try, paying a handful of dollars for three attempts. So far none have successfully hit the target that would drop Buck into the tank, for which he’s grateful, but just knowing it’s only a matter of time is making his heart beat like a drum in his chest. Why is he still so nervous? It’s been months . He should be over his dumb fear by now.
More people try, and more people fail, as the day goes on. It’s getting a little dark now, he’s had one bathroom break the entire day, and that’s only because Bobby finally felt a little bad, watching Buck squirm in discomfort for the last half hour or so. When he gets back into position Buck is less than thrilled to see Hen, Chim and Eddie standing first in line.
Chim has shit aim, so Buck isn’t too worried, but Hen played softball in high school, and Eddie--well, he’s always been athletically gifted. Even the Cap is in line, though he makes it a point not to participate. He simply watches as the team try their best to hit the target.
On his third try, Chim actually manages to hit the target, much to Buck’s surprise. He’s not expecting it at all, and ends up swallowing a truck load of water because of it. He sputters and coughs, quickly swimming up to the top of the tank, fingers scrambling to find purchase at the edge of the tank. The water’s gone cold, and he’s shaking, but it’s not from the temperature.
“C’mon, get back up there, it’s my turn!” Eddie calls out, a big malicious grin on his face, as he bounces a ball up and down in one hand, the other holding the two remaining balls.
Buck practically leaps out of the water and climbs back onto the seat, which has been readjusted upright. This time he’s ready, holding his breath so that he doesn’t swallow anymore water; his chest aches.
Except that Eddie--who is very much clearly not over the lawsuit in the least--decides to do several fake outs, pretending to throw the ball but actually just warming up, before letting go, and by the time he does Buck has to take a breath and ends up swallowing even more water his second time in.
He chokes on the water, and his heart is thundering in his chest, and all he can see is water, and for a second he wants to scream out for Christopher--where’s Christopher?! He had him, he had him , and then he lost him, because he’s such a fuck up, such a fucking idiot, he can’t do anything right--his head finally above water, he takes a big shuddering breath and coughs out what feels like a lungful. Buck is shaking like a leaf, but Eddie’s got two more tries and he knows damn well he’s not gonna’ stop just because he dunked him on his first attempt.
Everything is fine, Buck tells himself, as he sits back down again, and waits for the inevitable. He’s not back there, he’s not at the pier, he’s at the station, and this was fun last year, it shouldn’t be so overwhelming and not so fun this year, just because he’s a little scared of water now. He needs to suck it up. It’s just a game.
He’s fine, right?
It doesn't help that the smile on Eddie's face as he rears up to throw the second ball is anything but friendly. In fact, it's downright vicious. And half the team, Hen, Chim and the Cap included laughing at his current state of misery is even less helpful.
Eddie dunks him two more times and then pays for three more balls. Buck is a shivering mess by the time Eddie's on his last throw, what with the ex soldier having hit the target every single time.
Eddie fakes the throw and Buck flinches in response, ready to go back under.
Over the uproarious mocking laughter of his teammates one very familiar, very welcome voice rings out.
" Stop it! "
Eddie turns in surprise, "Christopher?" He'd been so busy working the carnival he'd forgotten one of the moms from school had agreed to take Christopher and a few of his friends to the event after school to play today.
"You're being mean!"
Eddie blinks down at Christopher, confused. He's never seen his kid look so angry before. "Bud, it's just a game. Buck is fine." He goes to point at said teammate to show his son that everything is alright and pauses when he sees Buck, really sees him, for the first time. He's shivering like mad and his lips are starting to turn blue. The water must be freezing by now…
Christopher glares at his dad. "No he's not. He's scared!" Tears start to pool at the corners of his eyes. "The tsunami was scary."
Eddie feels all the blood drain from his face and goes pale with sudden realization. "Shit." He tries hard not to make it a habit of cursing in front of Christopher, but he thinks this one time he can make an exception. He's an idiot. A goddamn idiot.
The team, behind him, have all gone deathly silent, and he's sure they've all had the same obvious epiphany. The Captain actually looks like he might cry.
One of the little girls next to Christopher screams out "You're all mean! They were laughing at him!"
Another kid yells out "Yeah, that's not nice! I thought firefighters were supposed to help people! You're all bullies!"
After that it's a cacophony of grade schoolers berating the four grown adults, with their angry, cherubic little faces.
Buck manages to climb out of the tank and tries to quell the situation. "Hey, it's ok, I'm f-fine." It's hard to convince the children of that when he's trembling so badly he can't get out a full sentence without stuttering.
"Gotta get you dry." Christopher insists, grabbing onto one of Buck’s cold hands, desperately.
At some point, during the tsunami, when he’d managed to get Christopher up on the truck, Buck had uttered those same words, trying his best to keep the kid warm; hearing them now feels like someone’s squeezing Buck’s heart too tight.
“Buck, I’m sorry I should have--” the Captain starts, devastation clear as day on his face, when Christopher’s friends gather ‘round him and Buck, making a protective barrier of sorts.
“Go away mean man!” a little girl shouts, pouting her lips. “Leave him alone!”
Bobby remembers the girl--in fact, he’s starting to recognize all the kids. They’d all taken a safety field trip to the 118 station about six months ago, before all the mess with the lawsuit and even before the tsunami. They’d all taken to Buck almost immediately; it makes sense that they’re rioting now, seeing their firefighter friend getting so mistreated by his own teammates.
Bobby backs off, knowing full well he’s lost this fight, though his eyes don’t stray away from Buck’s trembling form. God, what was he thinking?
By the time the team is done getting yelled at for being bullies Eddie notices Christopher and Buck have disappeared amidst all the chaos. Somehow he manages to sneak away too, and makes his way into the firehouse, where he’s sure they must be hiding.
He knows Christopher sometimes still has nightmares regarding the tsunami, not as often, thankfully, but every now and again they still surface, and he’ll wake up in the middle of the night crying out for Buck, his mom, or Eddie himself. It’s awful. Eddie wants to believe that maybe Christopher is simply projecting those feelings onto Buck, having seen him splutter and cough in the dunk tank like that--it must have brought up some pretty unpleasant memories, for sure.
But when he finally reaches his son and Buck, Eddie knows Christopher isn’t projecting, not at all. Buck, though trying his best to be brave for Christopher, is clearly shaken up, there’s a smile on his face as he assures Christopher that everything is fine, he’s just a little cold is all, but it’s wrong, all wrong on his face, and it doesn’t reach his eyes, like usual.
“Hey,” Eddie quietly announces his presence, feeling voyeuristic as he watches from the shadows.
Buck practically jumps a foot in the air, tensing up at the sight of his former best friend.
Christopher’s reaction is no better. He goes right back to glaring, his tiny mouth twisting into a frown. It’s a look so uncharacteristic of his son that it still shocks Eddie to see the expression--especially directed at him.
Eddie takes a towel from the clean pile of laundry in the corner of the locker room--it’s still warm from the dryer--and offers it to Buck. “I have an extra pair of sweats in my locker if you want--”
Buck takes the towel and nods, but doesn’t look him in the eye. “Thanks.” he looks at Chris. “I’m gonna change real quick, bud, and I’ll be right back, ok?”
“Ok.” It’s like a magic trick, the way Christopher goes from glaring daggers at his dad to looking at Buck with heartfelt concern in the blink of an eye.
Eddie scratches the back of his neck, ashamed, once Buck is out of sight. “Chris, buddy, I’m sorry, I was being--”
“A bully.” Christopher finishes, for him, turning away, chewing on his bottom lip.
Eddie sighs. “Yeah, a bully. I was mean and insensitive and thoughtless, and that’s never ok, especially not towards a friend.”
Christopher is very obviously upset, and it doesn’t seem as if that’s changing any time soon, regardless of what comes out of Eddie’s mouth. They sit in silence for another two minutes before Buck comes out of the changing area, wearing one of Eddie’s hooded sweatshirts and a pair of cotton joggers. The clothes should be--maybe not tight, exactly, but definitely not loose, on Buck--but they are, the hoodie is baggy and the pants sag a little at the waist, which makes no sense. Eddie and Buck might have a similar build, but Buck’s always been taller, and on the broader side than Eddie. He shouldn’t be swimming in Eddie’s sweats, but he is.
How had he not noticed the amount of weight Buck’s lost?
Granted, due to the lawsuit they haven’t been able to hang out the way they normally do, both at work and outside of it, but it’s not like they haven’t seen each other at all, either. Though, Eddie has been so clouded with anger every time he’s crossed paths with Buck for the past couple of months that it’s no surprise he hasn’t noticed.
“Come home with us. Our shifts end in another hour, I’m sure Cap won’t mind if we leave a little early. You might catch a cold if you stay out here any longer, and if I let you go home alone Christopher’s only gonna’ worry.” It’s a low blow, using his kid like that, but Eddie can’t imagine Buck saying ‘yes’ to the invite after today, otherwise.
Christopher looks up at Buck with pleading eyes. “Can you? Please?”
Buck, though startled initially, smiles at Christopher--that same half smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, from before--and nods mechanically. “Sure, Superman.”
Eddie lets out a breathe he hadn’t known he’d been holding, relieved. Maybe he can salvage this relationship, yet.
Buck and Christopher wait in the car while Eddie runs to find Bobby and let him know they’re booking it early. It doesn’t escape Eddie’s notice that Buck chooses to sit in the back with Chris, instead of shotgun, though it’s no real surprise after today. Eddie wouldn’t want to sit anywhere near himself either.
“How is he?” is the first thing out of Bobby’s mouth when Eddie finds him in the carnival. He looks beyond worried.
Eddie sighs. “I don’t know. Not good. Obviously. He’s in the car with Christopher right now, I’m taking him to my place for the night, he looks pale and he’s still shaking, though not as bad.”
Bobby shakes his head. “What the hell was I thinking putting him on dunk tank duty, of all things?”
“I didn’t know he was still...but I should have.”
Bobby nods. “We all should have known. It’s been over a week since he came back, I should have made us all hash it out on day one, instead of holding onto all this worry and anger, like some helicopter parent--I should have listened to Athena.” The Captain claps Eddie’s shoulder. “Go home, take care of our boy, let me know if you need anything. Tomorrow we’re gonna’ fix this. As a team.”
By the time they get to the driveway and the car is in park, Buck and Christopher are asleep in the backseat, leaning against one another. Eddie’s loathe to wake them up, when they look so at peace, but it has to be done. Buck ends up carrying a still groggy Christopher into the house, while Eddie trails behind them holding the boys’ crutches.
It’s late, almost eight thirty, and none of them have had dinner yet.
“I’m gonna’ order pizza--pepperoni, extra cheese good?” Eddie asks, once they’re indoors and starting to settle in.
Christopher completely ignores Eddie, though his belly does rumble at the mention of food. Buck, though exhausted by now, and lacking an appetite, does manage a small but genuine smile at Christopher’s stubbornness. Like father like son, for sure.
Though he would love to follow in Christopher’s footsteps and play mute, Buck knows he has to be an adult about this, even if all he’d really like to do at the moment is lay down and go to sleep. “Sure. Pizza sounds good.” Buck responds. His voice comes out raspy, and it hurts when he tries to clear his throat.
Eddie must notice, because after ordering dinner, he rummages through a cabinet in his kitchen and comes back with a lozenge. “Here, I think that’ll help.”
Buck takes it without a word, but does nod in gratitude.
Dinner is an awkward affair. Christopher’s still giving Eddie the silent treatment throughout, though he does eat, with Buck’s encouragement. Eddie tries his best to make small talk, without much success, and Buck eats less than half a slice before pushing his plate away. He’s not very hungry tonight.
Christopher wants Buck to put him to bed and says as much after everyone’s done with their food and he’s washed up. Buck doesn’t mind at all, and is even glad for the excuse to get away from Eddie, who’s clearly struggling to apologize---or at least that’s what Buck thinks all the half-aborted “so”’s have been?
He helps Christopher brush his teeth and get into a clean pair of pajamas before settling down to sleep. He reads him a bedtime story--and then a second one, because there’s no way he can say no to those big bambi eyes. “Are you gonna’ be ok?” Christopher asks, when Buck has put the books away on his shelf.
“I’m good, Christopher, just tired.”
Christopher reaches out a hand, the knuckles of his fingers gently grazing Buck’s cheek. “If dad’s mean again let me know and I’ll have a talk with him.”
The very serious expression on the eight year olds face would be comical if Buck wasn’t on the verge of crying. He doesn’t deserve this kid---Christopher’s just too good.
Buck clears his throat, managing a smile. “Thanks superman.” he leans down and kisses his forehead goodnight and turns the nightlight on, on his way out.
Eddie’s waiting in the hallway for him when he’s finished, arms folded across his chest. “He good?”
Buck nods.
Eddie sighs. “Thank you, for putting him to bed and all.”
“Anytime.” Buck replies honestly.
“Hey, about today… I meant to say it earlier, I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you were sca--”
Buck shakes it off. “I’m fine. I should go home.”
“Stay in our guestroom, please.” Eddie insists, startled by Buck’s dismissive reply. “It’s late and you look exhausted . Plus your car’s still at the station. This way I can drive you to work in the morning.”
Admittedly Buck hadn’t really been looking forward to catching a bus this late at night, so the offer is tempting enough that he takes it without too much fuss.
Eddie tries to apologize again as he’s grabbing extra blankets for him from the linen closet, but Buck waves him off a second time. It was just a game, after all, he just overreacted. Buck doesn’t have any reason to be scared or feel any type of way regarding the tsunami. He’s not the one who was lost for hours on end, in the midst of a natural disaster. He’s the irresponsible idiot who lost a child in the middle of a tsunami .
He takes the blankets with a murmured thanks and practically drags his feet to the room, tired as can be. Sleep takes him quickly, despite the ache in his chest, and the lingering feeling of being underwater for too long.
Eddie goes to bed but doesn’t sleep. He can’t sleep. Not after the day he’s had. His kid won’t talk to him, and Buck won’t even look him in the eye. Eddie stares up at his ceiling for a while, sleep evading him. After a couple of hours pass by Eddie’s eyelids start to droop, finally.
“ CHRISTOPHER! ”
Eddie jumps out of bed with a start, heart in his throat. The guestroom is right across his bedroom, and he’s able to reach Buck in record time, dropping to his knees beside the bed when he realizes Buck is stuck in a nightmare, his limbs tangled up in the sheets, sweat beading on his forehead, face contorted into one of absolute anguish.
“Buck, Buck, it’s ok, you’re safe, wake up.” Eddie tries, shaking him gently.
“Christopher! Where?” Buck twists about, whining in despair.
Eddie shakes a little harder. “Buck please, wake up, c’mon.”
After another agonizing moment, Buck’s eyes fly open and he sits up with a gasp that turns almost immediately into a choked wet sob. “ Fuck .” Buck covers his face to hide the tears he can’t stop from falling.
Eddie’s never seen him like this, not even during his recovery, after the entire rig had landed on him--sure, he’d been frustrated and moody with the slow progression, but this was something entirely different. Eddie’s heart hurts. Has Buck been dealing with the fallout of the tsunami all alone, this whole time? “Buck, everything’s fine.” he tries again, hesitantly reaching out a hand, but not quite touching the other mans’ shoulder.
Buck starts shaking, unintentionally letting out these small broken noises in between bouts of heaving for air. “Wh-where’s Christopher?”
“He’s safe, in his room, asleep. You wanna’ take a look?” Eddie asks, desperately hoping that might relieve some of the anxiety Buck is feeling.
Buck nods instantaneously. “Please.” he wipes his face with his sleeve and sniffs, looking much younger than his twenty seven years.
Eddie helps him up, noticing how shaky he is on his feet, and together they walk to the end of the hall, where Christopher is thankfully still sound asleep in bed, the light on his nightstand illuminating his tiny face.
Buck leans against the door frame and Eddie can see the tension in his back and shoulders lessen momentarily. “Are you ok?” It’s a stupid question to ask, because the obvious answer is no. Eddie thinks for a minute that he might try to dodge it or play it off like he’s alright, but instead Buck turns to him, face scrunched up like he’s seconds away from crying again, and shakes his head no.
Eddie leads him out of Christopher’s room and into the living room, where they can sit and talk. “Buck, have you been having these nightmares the whole time? Since the tsunami?” he asks, quietly.
Buck nods, hiccuping on a sob. “Sorry.”
“Hey, no, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. What happened to you, to Christopher, that shit was scary. I’ve been so focused on Christopher and on my own issues I didn’t bother considering that you might also be--”
“But I shouldn’t be.” Buck clenches his fists. “I lost Chris, I acted like an idiot and lost your kid, and then on top of everything I got so insecure about losing you guys that I went and sued the fucking department, like that would get me anywhere. You guys are right to be pissed at me. I deserve it--”
“You don’t!” Eddie interrupts, angry at the self deprecation he’s seeing from the most selfless man he’s ever met. “You don’t deserve the way we’ve been treating you, Buck, and Christopher is here, he’s alive and well, and that’s still in part thanks to you ; I yelled at you at the grocery store and I felt justified, calling you out for abandoning us, for turning on us, but it’s obvious now the whole time you were afraid, and you were just trying to do what you thought would keep you by our side.”
Eddie sighs, looking away, “I think I projected a lot of Shannon leaving me--leaving us --onto you, Buck, and that’s not fair. You’re not like that, you weren’t trying to leave, you were trying your damnedest to come back this whole time. I don’t know why I didn’t see that.”
Buck wipes away more tears, sniffling. His throat is on fire, and he’s starting to think it has nothing to do with the sudden bouts of crying and more to do with his dips in the dunk tank earlier in the day. “I never meant to leave you like that. You’re my best friend, and you know I love Christopher like crazy. Hell, I love you too much to ever purposely leave, Eddie.”
Eddie stares at Buck for a beat. He’s not a very feely touchy person, something he’s been trying to work on, if he’s honest with himself, both for Christopher’s sake and his own. He’s not used to these casual declarations of love being tossed about among friends. Buck is unlike anyone he’s ever met before, though, and with him, it’s easy to accept these things and reciprocate, in a way he couldn’t quite do, even with Shannon.
He looks down at his hands and nods. “Me too. I love you, man.”
Best friends, that’s all, right? Best friends are allowed to say these words.
Buck breaks out into a violent coughing fit not two seconds later, holding his chest with one hand and covering his mouth with the other. It sounds painful. Eddie rubs circles into his back until he’s done, and then gets up to get him another lozenge and a glass of water.
“I think you caught a cold.” Eddie says, guilt etched into his voice. “I’m gonna get you some nyquil, I think we still have some in the bathroom cabinet somewhere. Shit, wait, you’re on blood thinners.” He knows enough about medicine, as a former army medic, not to mix meds, even over the counter ones, like that.
Buck gulps down the glass of water gratefully, “I’ll live. Just need some sleep.”
Eddie bends down in front of Buck and leans his forehead against his, checking for a fever. He doesn’t think much of it--it’s how he checks Christopher’s temperature--until he realizes how close their faces suddenly are. Less than an inch apart, in fact. He stands up immediately, red faced, and clears his throat. “So, anyway, looks like you don’t have a fever. That’s good. Tomorrow I’ll take you to your doctor and maybe they can recommend something, or prescribe medicine that won’t interact with the blood thinners.”
Buck looks at him funny. “We have work tomorrow.”
Eddie in turn gives him a funny look. “Buck, you’re sick, and it’s--” he checks the clock on his kitchen wall. “Almost three in the morning. There’s no way you’re going into work. And neither am I, for that matter. Carla’s coming in a few hours to take Christopher to school. I’ll call Cap and let him know we’re taking the day off, and then I’m taking you to the doctor to get a checkup.”
Buck grins a little. “You are such a dad.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow. “And don’t you forget it, young man.” The words sound silly coming out of his mouth, when he’s only five years older than Buck, but it makes him laugh, and that’s all that matters.
Eddie and the team have a lot to make up for, he knows, but tomorrow is another day, another chance to make everything right again. For now, he needs to let Buck get some much needed rest.