Work Text:
FX: Sounds of furniture scraping on the floor
THE ARCHIVIST
That's it. Just a bit further and-
FX: A soft thump
THE ARCHIVIST
There we go.
TIM
Thank god. You'd think the shelves were made from concrete.
THE ARCHIVIST
They feel that way. I suppose they are old.
Solid wood rather than IKEA monstrosities.
TIM
Oh I don't know. I like a nice Knutstorp now and again.
THE ARCHIVIST
Tim, I don't want to know about- that- that's furniture isn't it?
TIM
You mean you've never done the student IKEA run?
THE ARCHIVIST
Funnily enough, I never purchased a sofa based on how
much innuendo I could cram into the name.
A PAUSE
THE ARCHIVIST
Do you think-
TIM
No way I'm helping to move that again, boss.
THE ARCHIVIST
Right. Of course not. I just-
TIM
Doing a bit of feng shui to align the energy of the building?
I think it might take a bit more than moving some furniture to do that
THE ARCHIVIST
Of course not. I just thought it would make things a bit more...
Mine.
TIM
You can't make it less organised I suppose.
THE ARCHIVIST
Exactly. Well, we can have an entirely new section for discredited here and-
FX: A door opening
MARTIN
I got- oh. Hey Jon. Tim.
THE ARCHIVIST
Martin.
MARTIN
What are you doing? That bookcase wasn't there before.
TIM
Boss wanted to protect your honour Martin
MARTIN
What?
THE ARCHIVIST
Tim! I want to rearrange some of the filing system.
And while we were doing it, I thought it might give you a little
more privacy since you are staying in the Archives currently.
MARTIN
Oh. That's- thank you?
THE ARCHIVIST
Yes well, now it's done I should get back to work.
MARTIN
Are you not having lunch?
TIM
You know our fearless leader doesn't need to eat like
us mere mortals.
THE ARCHIVIST
It's alright Martin, I'll get something later.
MARTIN
It's just I got take away from that Indian place down the road,
and they always give me way too much.
TIM
Because they love you.
MARTIN
And you could share if you wanted to?
THE ARCHIVIST
I don't think-
TIM
Oh come on, boss. We've already moved half the furniture.
Is taking half an hour for lunch going to kill you?
THE ARCHIVIST
...fine. I suppose I am a little hungry.
FX: General shuffling around
TIM
Thanks Martin.
THE ARCHIVIST
Yes. Thank you Martin.
MARTIN
That's fine. What are you planning to move anyway?
THE ARCHIVIST
I want to start refiling statements. More space for discredited
statements and a section for researched but uncorroborated.
Those two categories should cover the vast majority of them.
TIM
Ah yes, the good old 'I saw a scary shadow' statements.
MARTIN
They're not that bad. Most of them are just people wanting
someone to listen to them.
THE ARCHIVIST
That's what YouTube is for. I mean-
FX: Sounds of rustling paper
THE ARCHIVIST
Take this one for example. Statement of Edward Hampton regarding...
A weird bird that kept staring at him.
There is some laughter from Tim, and some slightly muffled laughter from Martin as though he's trying to hide it.
THE ARCHIVIST
(In an exaggerated spooky voice)
And every time I walked under that tree, I would feel its
beady eyes boring into my mind, telling me to do things.
The laughter is not muffled this time.
FX: More rustling
TIM
Alright, my turn. Statement about ooooh, a haunted game
cartridge that made my childhood friend get stuck in the game.
MARTIN
I think I read that one on a forum once. I wonder why
it's always haunted game cartridges, but never haunted CDs.
TIM
Haunted Tomb Raider. Calling it now. We must have a statement
about that somewhere here.
MARTIN
What have I got- ooooh, I think my boss is secretly a government spy
trying to put mind control serum into bottles of mouthwash.
THE ARCHIVIST
Ah yes, I always feel particularly obedient to authority just after
I've brushed my teeth. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
The Archivist gives an exaggerated sigh of annoyance.
THE ARCHIVIST
(Firmly)
As I said, we have a lot of discredited statements.
Hopefully this will help to keep them separate from
anything that bears further research.
TIM
Well, we're not going to be short of things to keep us busy.
We should set up a website to share them.
MARTIN
Tim, that's really unethical.
THE ARCHIVIST
Quite. Anyway, I really should get some work done.
Thank you Martin for lunch.
MARTIN
That's alright.
There is more rustling of paper as The Archivist leaves.
TIM
So, Martin, How's this for a ridiculous statement? Ghost. Crocodile.