Work Text:
beta: softjohndae
Lan Wangji is suffocating. It is the sense of hell inside his head. He doesn't show it - he would never. Not at this moment. He would never allow it to twist his face into desperate figures in front of Song Lan, a man who he realizes is suffering the same fate as him. Song Lan has just been woken up from the forced needle slumber by Xue Yang only to be back at Yi city standing next to a coffin. The differences between him and Lan Wangji are that he has been left with a body, but that doesn't make it any easier or less hurtful. It is equally terrifying and awful. Lan Wangji wishes he could help him.
It is absolutely horrifying.
Lan Wangji is looking at the spiritual pouch in Wei Wuxian's hold and observes how Song Lan takes it with trembling hands. He sees how his fingers twitch at the first touch before he allows himself to accept it and he holds it gently, as if it were to break with the slightest breeze.
Lan Wangji knows it could. Song Lan knows it could. There isn't a lot left inside.
It is what is left of Xiao Xingchen, the man who had lost his life for such an unimaginable reason, believing life hadn't been worth living anymore after experiencing such a soul crushing heartbreak. Lan Wangji doesn’t want to accept that. Not for them. After what Xue Yang had made them do, something out of both of their controls that had torn both of them apart internally, something that had separated the two of them from each other for eternity. Those two who Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian had always admired because they had been a step further than Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian at the time.
Lan Wangji feels sick to his core. It is a twirl of his spiritual energy not stable and his ears are ringing. He has no way to control it right now. At the same time, Song Lan is having trouble hiding the shaky inhales. He cannot speak either, but the words forming inside his head don't make sense either way. He lowers his head. He is overwhelmed, as is Lan Wangji, who is still holding onto the silvery decorated sword.
Wei Wuxian starts talking and Song Lan responds with writing on the ground with his sword. Lan Wangji is not a part of this exchange, he can't bring himself to be, but he listens carefully. There is a tug at his heart when he reads what is written on the gravel: with Frostwork, and in another spot, alongside Xingchen. He observes as he tries to bury whatever feelings he is feeling, knowing this is not the time to focus on himself. He purses his lips. He is not supposed to give way to the anxiety that makes him unable to move even a finger, the same paralyzing effect he always suffers from when he sees his Wei Ying hurt.
After Wei Wuxian's resurrection, every time the man has gotten hurt, to Lan Wangji it has been almost equal to losing him for the second time, although his situation is now completely reversed and Wei Wuxian is still standing next to him. He is supposed to be alright now, isn’t he?
Wei Wuxian is here, he tries to remind himself. But why is this feeling always eating him alive?
In the case of Wei Wuxian, the man in the dark robes is very distraught, but nothing in his mind is comparable to the stormy ocean inside Lan Wangji's. The old memories and flashes of loss like sunken ships floating back up, coming to haunt him and pulling him back down. More than ten years had Lan Wangji suffered and roamed, his only living reminder and anchor at the surface being A-Yuan. Knowing this is the start of mourning for Song Lan makes Lan Wangji dizzy. Knowing that the pouch and the sword will become Song Lan’s anchors is hitting him harder than any whiplash he has ever experienced.
There is silence between all three - no - all four of them, during which Lan Wangji does not dare to look at the coffin. He knows there is a man dressed in white similar to his own robes, and he knows there is a dried, self inflicted wound on that man's neck. He hears Song Lan sigh, breath trembling, and Lan Wangji looks at him. He raises his arms carefully, holding the Frostwork in his hands and finally gives it to Song Lan. Song Lan gathers the scattered strings of his thoughts and composes himself. He accepts the sword silently.
Lan Wangji had thought nothing would ever hurt him the same way again as losing Wei Wuxian had, but now, being the one who just handed the sword of Xiao Xingchen to the man dressed in black, he imagines it again and again and again. The loss, the fall, the emptiness.
They all bow in unison. Song Lan spares one last glance at Wei Wuxian before he leaves and sheathes the two swords on his back as he starts walking. Much like Song Lan, also Lan Wangji is a natural at keeping composure, but their expressions are giving everything away.
Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are left staring at the retreating back. Wei Wuxian has a slight frown born out of the disgust he feels towards Xue Yang, of what sick tricks and tactics he had used for such shitty reasons, and the sadness he holds, wondering if Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan could ever meet each other again. He is left longing for reassurance, an answer, so he looks at Lan Wangji. He knows Lan Wangji cannot give him the answer, but at least he can always look back. He can be present.
Their eyes meet, Wei Wuxian's warm ones with Lan Wangji's cold ones, both of his waterlines slightly reddened. Seeing Wei Wuxian has an effect which settles some of the storm inside Lan Wangji, something that makes the massive waves smaller and the piercing wind forgiving. He is brought back to this reality where Wei Wuxian stands in front of him. His anchor.
He wants nothing more than to hold him. To tell him how he is feeling right now, but sometimes he thinks if Wei Wuxian could honestly understand? Could he, as all those years spent in nothingness he has not been living on the surface of earth, the passing of time being the greatest source of sorrow and yet the greatest cure for loss. Wei Wuxian has not been through the days, months and years of having so many varying levels of hope. So he doesn't tell him.
Abyss had always been easy to succumb to, Lan Wangji knows this, but he tries his best to repeat it to himself that in present time he still has his lifeline next to him. “Wei Ying,” he says once, breathlessly, as if to prove to himself that he has a reason to say it.
Wei Wuxian gives him a very faint, sad smile, not out of happiness obviously, but the unexpected rush of emotions. He holds his tears back.
Lan Wangji contemplates for a while. "We should leave as well," he mumbles. Wei Wuxian nods, hiding his urges to lean his head on the others chest and bury his face into the other's strong embrace.
Lan Wangji wants to caress his back, hold his hand, hug him, but he does none of that. Maybe he'll try later at a more appropriate place.
____
Later that night they’re walking along the busiest street in town. Everyone in the group who has been to Yi city is feeling gloomy. The junior disciples can sense something is off in the exchanges between Hanguang-Jun and this Master Mo, something that they know is not their business. Something that they do not yet understand.
Not that they need to, anyway - not yet.
But they won’t let it bother them too much. Everyone would be sad after witnessing such a story, right? That just proves that even the Hanguang-Jun has some sort of emotional response to it, no matter how stoic his appearance is.
The two of them, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, walk side by side some distance behind the junior disciples. Under the illuminated paper lamps, umbrellas and translucent fabrics hanging between the buildings, they can both experience a sense of contentment. The pair is accompanied by a silence which is a strong contrast to go with the street’s liveliness, but they are okay with it.
Lan Wangji doesn’t feel the need to start a conversation. Wei Wuxian doesn’t either, so he listens to the yells and shouts of the the vendors who are trying to catch anyone’s attention who even thinks of looking at their way. Wei Wuxian lets himself get carried away by all the different tables and stalls that are selling food and decorative items. He wants to see them up close, to smell and touch them. To sense them. He feels himself drawn into them because they are giving his mind the spontaneous activity he always longs for.
Although the years had been long during which Wei Wuxian had been idly floating in pure blackness, he had never suffered from the sense of passing time. Therefore he had never been aware of it. He is not sure if a consciousness had even existed. His spirit had been somewhere, that must have been certain, since Mo Xuanyu had been able to bring him back, but he cannot remember anything about that time period.
Obviously this is no wonder, yet it has the weirdest effects on his senses. To Wei Wuxian, now even the most mundane things are almost extraordinary. He experiences them vividly, much more strongly, probably as a some type of response to his mind having been asleep for so long. He wants to bathe in it.
This is how it usually goes. Lan Wangji walks behind Wei Wuxian who gets excited about the market. Lan Wangji doesn’t think too much of it. Yet, maybe even a bit childishly, he feels a tinge of loneliness because he wants Wei Wuxian back at his side. He wants them to walk together. He just doesn’t know how to ask for it.
In turn, Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what his comfortable closeness really means to Lan Wangji, so he purposely tries not to stick too close to Lan Wangji, living under the impression that it would bother him although they have gotten pretty close.
While Wei Wuxian is deep in his thoughts, Lan Wangji, a short distance behind him, spots a lantern stall. He sees the painted image of two rabbits on one of them which instantly draws his attention. Lan Wangji stops by it. This time he lets the memories flow. He recalls the oath they had made back in Gusu. He longingly looks over to Wei Wuxian, wondering if he can remember, and whether he would care if Lan Wangji stays behind?
Meanwhile Wei Wuxian’s gaze locks on a familiar figure at one of the stalls across the street. There he sees a child, very much like someone he knows. Lan Wangji knows what he is thinking.
A name escapes Wei Wuxian's lips. “A-Yuan..”
A big wave of guilt washes over him, almost swiping his feet from under him. He loses rationality for just a millisecond as he cannot stop his reflexes, taking a hurried step forward before he manages to stop himself from moving. He looks at the child talking to the lady selling toys. Wei Wuxian’s chest is hammering.
He goes through a lot of emotions in a very short moment. At first he feels like all air is drawn out of him. He is upset, angry and sad. Then he smiles faintly, lips closed, knowing that he has to accept that A-Yuan is not here, but that the good memories still exist. He promises himself to always cherish those memories. He then realizes he is left staring at an empty spot, so he looks down. Wei Wuxian has always been good at masking his emotions, so this time he does it again. It’s his own regret and he doesn’t want to show that to anyone else. In his mind there is no one else to blame but himself.
He finds himself feeling lonely and in need of comfort. A comfort he usually can get from just seeing Lan Wangji.
After a while of standing there alone, gathering his thoughts, he inhales shakily and slowly turns around to look. What he doesn’t expect is that Lan Wangji has stopped as well and is looking at him, gaze gentler than usual. He sees him standing next to a stall with a lot of lanterns on it. He is waiting for Wei Wuxian.
Time stops for the two of them. People walk, people shout, people run, but only the two of them exist in this moment. For both of them, the uneasiness quiets down. Wei Wuxian cannot tear his eyes away.
Lan Wangji waits. He is curious to see if Wei Wuxian will notice it - the lantern with painted rabbits on it. It is in the seconds that feel like minutes when Lan Wangji thinks very hard about it, thinks about the two different outcomes and manages to feel sad about the possibility that Wei Wuxian won’t react, but as he waits for a few seconds longer, he sees the other’s eyes travel from him to his left side, to the lanterns, and the response is there. Lan Wangji's doubt instantly disappears. Wei Wuxian smiles shyly and looks down for a bit before locking eyes with Lan Wangji again.
Lan Wangji’s eyes speak on behalf of words. Yes. Come here.
Wei Wuxian’s expression brightens even more, comparable to a full moon. It is a genuine smile now, something that is given to his Lan Zhan only. He takes a step forward. He takes another one and another one and another one, until he’s lightly running and in front of Lan Wangji. He stops and the air brings the smell of Wei Wuxian to Lan Wangji’s side. It feels like home.
“Lan Zhan..” he starts, of course, with that sweet tone of his whenever he starts talking to him. Wei Wuxian side eyes the lantern and says something about Lan Wangji liking rabbits. The latter is not sure of how to respond, so he chooses to ignore it. He also looks at the lantern with his lips slightly agape until he hears Wei Wuxian laugh. He looks at the ground out of habit and then up, meeting the gorgeous smile of the other, the one where his eyes squint and his cheeks get rounder. Lan Wangji is sure his heart misses a beat.
“Lan Zhan.”
And there he goes again.
All this time Wei Wuxian has been thinking if Lan Wangji wants it, but just doesn’t know how to ask for it, so of course he’s going to make the decision for him.
“Let’s buy it.”
Lan Wangji’s expression changes. He is slightly surprised and Wei Wuxian absolutely adores that.
“Okay.”
And Wei Wuxian smiles again. He is so beautiful that Lan Wangji finds his own lips mirroring his expression. Not as excessively, but still something that only Wei Wuxian can draw out of him. That in turn has Wei Wuxian’s heart fluttering.
They buy the lantern together. Then they continue on with their walk, now next to each other again, and Wei Wuxian finds immeasurable amounts of joy in how Lan Wangji looks carrying the lantern. He feels giddy when he sees the rabbits, knowing that it is their symbol, something that they both cherish and will hold tightly in their hearts.
He feels his heart pound rapidly when he thinks about what he wants to do. He eyes Lan Wangji many times before he can no longer stop himself.
"Can I hold your hand?"
They don't stop walking. Lan Wangji's expression doesn't change. Instead he makes the adjustments, to push his hand further out of the big sleeve to hold Bichen and the lantern in his right hand at the same time, while leaving the left one for Wei Wuxian to grab.
The hand holding comes naturally to them.
Wei Wuxian cannot stop smiling. He is getting shy again, lost in his love blinded mind while Lan Wangji is looking at the street ahead, his chin held up high, a nonchalant look on his face.
"Lan Zhan.." he speaks again, testing the waters. Lan Wangji squeezes his hand a little tighter as a response to hearing his name.
"Can I hug you too?" He prays to gods he's not asking for too much here, but something already tells him he isn't. "I really want a hug," he says as he studies Lan Wangji's reaction. He follows his eyes as they look down to the side and then up to Wei Wuxian's gorgeous features.
"Ahh... I get it.." Wei Wuxian pouts, "the beautiful and elegant Hanguang-Jun, how can he when he's out in the public.. ahaha... Fine, I'll ask again when we get ba-"
The next thing he knows he's already in the embrace, noticing the sword and the lantern still in Lan Wangji's right hand behind him, pushing Wei Wuxian against him. The latter's nose is buried in the white robes, on instinct closing his eyes. He breathes in, also reaching both of his arms on the back of Lan Wangji. He holds him tightly.
Yes.
Wei Wuxian decides, this is where he truly wants to be. It doesn't feel the slightest bit wrong. It is a fulfillment to the feeling they both have been suppressing since they left Yi city. Lan Wangji lowers his mouth to the shoulder of Wei Wuxian, facing towards the crook of his neck. He whispers, "Wei Ying."
"Yes, I'm here. Lan Zhan, I'm here," Wei Wuxian reassures him, getting the confirmation between the lines that all this time Lan Wangji has been battling the intense feelings of loss. He just needs the other one to admit it, as stubborn as he is, and to allow himself to deal with those emotions with the help of Wei Wuxian.