Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ibuki is twelve when she has her first kiss.

It’s always such a big, climactic moment in the movies. That’s what she’s expecting. Fireworks. Love confessions. Some kind of dramatic build-up. Or any build-actually, she’d settle for a little bit of warning before plunging in head first. (If it could even be called that.)

What happens instead is her friend Mahiru says, “Ibuki-chan, I dare you to kiss Chiaki-chan,” at a sleepover during their sixth year of elementary school, and her eyebrows shoot up behind her bangs. Figures Mahiru would go for something like that. Her friends are shameless.

Still, she leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. “Which one?” She asks.

“Hinata,” Mahiru specifies with a roll of her eyes. “Obviously.”

“I think…” Chiaki (Nanami) pauses, as long and deliberate as always. “I should be offended by that.”

“Ohhh, c’mon,” Mahiru snorts, elbowing Nanami with a smile, “you knew it wouldn’t be you.” The look that Nanami shoots her way is exasperated, but amused regardless, and after a moment of tense eye contact, they both turn to Ibuki to see if she’ll reject the dare.

Which she totally can do, none of them would judge her, but eh. She’s known Hinata since their fourth year, what’s the harm? When she turns and meets Hinata’s eyes, she notes that the other girl is smiling just a tad bit anxiously. But the nervous quality vanishes a second later, and so Ibuki pretends that she didn’t see it.

The lights are dim here, anyway. Hinata’s green eyes look honey-coloured. They’re in her basement, Hinata’s that is, all four of them. (Hinata’s brother, Izuru, is upstairs. Back when Ibuki and Hinata were nine, these sleepovers were just the two of them and Izuru, and Izuru would hang out with them. Perhaps the presence of too many of his sister’s friends at once is overwhelming for him, though, because he hasn’t been around much tonight.)

Ibuki is intimately familiar with this space. The corner of the long, L-shaped couch that they’re all curled up on. The weight of Hinata’s gaze on her from a few feet away. The large TV across from them. She’s been in this basement more than she’s been anywhere else in the world, save for her own home, and perhaps school. She doesn’t really feel all that nervous. It’s a bit of a silly dare, actually.

“Sure, Ibuki will kiss her.” Ibuki says. Hinata raises her eyebrows, but smiles sarcastically, and when Ibuki leans forward, she does too.

It’s very wet. Wet, and tastes a bit like the pizza they had for dinner earlier. Not all that pleasant, to be honest. Ibuki isn’t quite sure what to do, her lips don’t fit well with Hinata’s (not at all like in the movies) and just as she is trying to get her bearings Hinata pulls back, face flushed. Ibuki wonders if hers should be. Her heart is beating kind of hard, so that’s nice.

Nanami applauds a bit. “Very nice. I’d rate it a ten out of ten.”

Mahiru seems significantly more excited. “Ahh! You two are so cute!” She squeals. Ibuki raises her eyebrows, and hears Hinata laugh.

“Yeah, okay,” she huffs. “None of this leaves this room, alright? Everything that happens tonight is kept between the four of us.”

Not much of a reason for that, Ibuki thinks. They just smashed their lips together for a few seconds. (She agrees to keep it a secret regardless.)

Though, much, much later, as Ibuki falls asleep, curled up into a ball against the side of the couch, she thinks that if that’s what kissing is like, then really, she’ll pass. Doesn’t seem like much to get excited about. (It was downright unpleasant, to be perfectly honest.)

---

Hinata is the recipient of Ibuki’s second, third, fourth, and fifth kisses. She counts them, too, because there’s nothing better to do.

She kisses Hinata for the second time months later, in June, at a school dance. Incidentally, they kiss during another game of truth or dare. It’s Nanami who does the daring this time, though, and there has been just a little bit of build-up, this time, because she and Hinata are on a date.

Er, well, that’s what they’ve been calling it. It was more like, Ibuki got tired of other people telling her that she and Hinata would make such a cute couple, and so she asked Hinata if she wanted to go to the dance together. It was on the day of that Ibuki actually realised what Hinata thought she was asking.

(She assumes that Hinata accepted because she’s been feeling equally harassed. They’re good friends, is all. Always have been. Kind of weird that other people think of them like something else.)

Only, when Nanami says, “Hey, Hinata-chan,” and pauses, heavy and thoughtful, Ibuki isn’t really sure what to expect. She just isn’t surprised when Nanami finally continues, “I dare you to kiss Ibuki-chan.”

Hinata lets out a laugh that Ibuki pretends not to hear is strangled. “Again?” She asks. “Couldn’t you come up with something more original?” Her tone is far too accusatory, Ibuki thinks. She’s looking hard at Nanami, like there is something that Ibuki doesn’t know. (Ibuki listens to the sound of Arashi pumping from the gym-- they’re sitting outside the dance, in the foyer, as they technically aren’t allowed to leave-- and ignores Hinata’s undertone.)

“Sue me,” is what Nanami replies. She shrugs. And, naturally, she says nothing else.

For some reason, leading up to the actual kiss this time, Ibuki is much more nervous about it. She thinks it has something to do with Nanami and Mahiru’s insistence that it be super romantic. Ibuki slipped upstairs to grab her backpack, but her three friends went off behind the school, to find some good place to kiss.

Well, it’ll be more like a movie this time, at least. Ibuki touches her lips with a hand. They are awfully chapped. She moistens them with her tongue in an attempt to soften them, make it more pleasant for Hinata. She still tastes candy on her tongue from the concessions stand. (Candy Hinata bought for her, actually. Since it’s a date.) That should be nice, Ibuki thinks.

Her heart is pounding. Will it be better than last time? It happened months ago, though. Ibuki squints her eyes and tries to think back to the sleepover, that hazy first kiss in the basement of Hinata’s house. She doesn’t remember much. It was just wet, she supposes.

As she exits the building, she spots Mahiru and Nanami all standing together by a bush. Or-- well, Ibuki thinks it’s a bush, but it’s more like a tiny, droopy tree with a very thin trunk. Pale green leaves hang like vines and create a sort of curtain over a large grey rock. Hinata is sitting on that very rock. Her eyes are the exact colour of those leaves.

Ibuki’s feet stop when her calves brush against the rock. She drops her backpack. “Uh,” her throat is very dry. She wonders if there is a way to discreetly lick her lips before doing this. “So, should Ibuki just--”

“Yeah,” smiles Hinata. Her eyes are very, very soft.

Swallowing hard, Ibuki crawls onto the rock, trying to balance properly on her knees. The rock has a rough texture and it’s slanted and uneven. She wobbles a bit crawling closer to Hinata, who sits there expectantly. Her eyes close. Ibuki wishes they would open again. She’s the one who has to initiate this. (Wasn’t Hinata the one who was dared?) Her heart is pounding hard and she can’t get a good position on the rock. Hinata has always been taller than her. She’s pretty much crawling on her hands and knees. She’s wearing a dress today, a purple one, so it’s her bare knees against the rock.

Awkwardly, Ibuki pushes herself up, and leans in. She nearly misses Hinata’s mouth, but her lips land, and then they are kissing again.

It’s warm, but that might just be summer. Hinata’s lips don’t taste like anything. They’re soft though. And wet. Very wet. Ibuki doesn’t like the wetness. She keeps the thoughts to herself as she pulls away.

Hinata’s eyes flutter open, and she smiles.

They walk home together. They always do, as they live in the same neighbourhood, but still. They hold hands, too, but Ibuki’s hand feels itchy on the sides where Hinata’s fingers touch, like a chafing feeling, and she really wants to pull back. She doesn’t though. She keeps her hand locked with Hinata’s.

“So,” Ibuki clears her throat. “Chiaki-chan,” which she can say, since Nanami isn’t here. Hinata looks over at her. “Do-- Mahiru-chan asked if you like me and you said yes. Did you really- do you--”

“Yeah,” Hinata says. Her expression is light. Fluffy and sweet. She’s always been so pretty. “I do.” She pauses, and more quietly, asks, “Do you?”

Ibuki has to think about that one. Does she? Do I? But before she can figure it out for herself, her mouth opens, and, “Y-Yeah, Ibuki-- does.” What? Well, Ibuki supposes that she’s always really liked Hinata. They’ve been best friends for three years, after all. (They’ve even showered together. Used to have playdates every week.) And Hinata is very very pretty. Her eyelashes are long and her eyes are like the leaves of a deciduous tree during springtime. They’re best friends. And Ibuki doesn’t wanna lose her. So maybe she likes her.

It doesn’t seem like Hinata knows what to say to that, but she is very happy when they part ways, Ibuki sees it in her smile, her parting hug. It isn’t until Ibuki gets home and crawls under the covers of her bed that she realises that the implications of the conversation that they just had mean that they might be dating soon. And whether or not she actually likes Hinata, Ibuki thinks that sounds quite unbearable.

(This is okay, though, three days later, because Ibuki tells Hinata that she’d rather stay friends for the moment because she’s not ready to date yet, and Hinata is always so very nice.)

---

They start dating a month before Ibuki’s birthday, in their first year of middle school.

Ibuki isn’t thirteen yet. She said she’d wait until she was thirteen before dating anybody, and she comes really really close. Honestly, she doesn’t even know why it happens.

She supposes it’s just to do with a conversation with Nanami, who says, “I think you guys would be really cute together. You like each other a lot.”

Does she? Ibuki still has trouble figuring that out for herself. Hinata is funny and smart and they hang out after school every day at the cafe nearby. And they know each other very well, since they’ve been friends for so long. Hinata asks Ibuki to order for her when they go places because she gets nervous. And Hinata puts up with parts of Ibuki that other people find insufferable.

So Nanami is probably right.

“Do you want to go out?” Ibuki asks, out of the blue, as they are walking to Hinata’s house on October thirtieth. Their neighbourhood is decked out orange and black. Spooky decorations. (Ibuki’s mom is looking forward to the candy sales.)

“Go out where?” asks Hinata, but from her tone it’s clear she’s being sarcastic.

“With, with Ibuki. As, girlfriends. Do you want to be Ibuki’s girlfriend, Chiaki-chan?”

Hinata regards her for a moment. They stop walking. She smiles. “Yeah, I do,” she replies brightly.

“Okay.” Ibuki says. “Okay, uhm, cool.” She doesn’t know what else to say. A laugh bubbles out of her throat. She calls the fluttery feeling in her chest nerves. Because she wanted Hinata to say yes.

“Cool,” agrees Hinata. They hold hands when they start walking again. (Ibuki’s hand itches.)

---

Kisses three, four, and five happen in the mountains during spring break between first and second year. They are on vacation together, and Nanami is here too-- as well as Ibuki’s friend Nekomaru, who is very nice, and who is friends with Nanami and Hinata now too-- but she is back in the lodge. So is Nekomaru, actually. They were all here, all four of them, sitting in silence in front of a lake, but Ibuki had to pee, so she got up to go. Hinata came with her.

And when they returned they had news about cake inside, and Nanami and Nekomaru took off immediately. Makes sense. Go figure.

Ibuki breaks the silence by saying, “We’ve only kissed twice.” It feels like the obvious thing to say. They have been dating for months, after all.

“That’s true,” says Hinata quietly. She glances at Ibuki. “Erm-- want to change that?”

“Yeah,” Ibuki laughs shakily, even though she’s not sure she does. (She should, right? That’s what girlfriends do, they kiss, and she and Hinata are girlfriends.) “Sure, uh,” she scoots closer to Hinata on the bench.

Her face is bluish from the moonlight that reflects off the lake. It is very cold, despite being spring. Ibuki rests one of her hands, uncomfortably, on Hinata’s shoulder. Her eyes are deep, swirling pools of water.

They kiss once, twice, and three times. Her mouth tastes like cake. It is very wet. Ibuki realises she has no idea how to move her lips.

After that they return to the lodge. Holding hands. Ibuki ignores the crawling in her chest for the rest of the week every time Hinata goes in for a hug.

---

Ibuki and Nanami are the only ones at the cafe today. Hinata has tutoring, and Mahiru can rarely spend time with them after school anymore, so busy as she is with photography. It’s alright. Ibuki has known Nanami even longer than she’s known Hinata.

Though, that’s a bit of a non-statement. She’s known Nanami since their third year of elementary, but they didn’t go to the same school. They were friends, but not super close friends. Ibuki was on better terms with Nanami’s cousin, Chihiro. Not because she and Nanami didn’t get along, but because she and Chihiro, specifically, did. Nanami is Hinata’s friend, really. They talk all the time. Have all these inside jokes Ibuki wasn’t there to witness the birthing of.

Not that Ibuki minds it, though. She had a moment on that vacation, watching Hinata and Nanami cuddle, where she realised how perfect they would be for each other. Together. Nanami is so good to Hinata. They treat each other with softness. Kindness. Ibuki feels like that is what a relationship should be. Not the stilted touches that she and Hinata rarely share anymore, the basically-friendship they insist on calling romantic.

Anyway, it’s awkward. She doesn’t know much about Nanami, except that she likes video games. All video games, and she is very good at them, but rhythm games especially. She has excellent reflexes.

“Ibuki-chan,” Nanami rests her elbow on the table, tilts her head to the side. “I’m glad that you and Chiaki-chan are together.”

“I’m, uh, glad too,” says Ibuki.

“Yeah.” Nanami looks out the window. Her brow is furrowed. Ibuki pretends not to notice. “She’s had a crush on you for a long time, y’know? Since like, fifth year.”

(Fifth year!)

“Mhm.” Nanami nods her head, as if sensing Ibuki’s incredulity. “That’s why I was really glad you started going out. It was sad seeing her pine after you so much.”

Ibuki laughs a bit. “That’s, wow. Ibuki is surprised that she liked me for so long.”

(Ibuki and Hinata break up the next day. The breakup is mutual. They remain friends. Best friends, actually. Ibuki laughs a lot for no reason afterwards and realises the soaring sensation in her chest is relief.)

---

Chiaki Squared, that’s what she calls it. The ship between Nanami and Hinata. Ibuki thinks she is being very clever. Hinata seems annoyed, but only begrudgingly. Nanami scoffs at her every time she brings it up.

But she can’t help it! They are very, very huggy, and after school every day Nanami goes over to Hinata’s house. Those inside jokes only keep appearing, and Ibuki can no longer keep up with them.

She has a folder on her phone labeled “Chiaki Squared” with pictures of them. Her favourite features Hinata holding Nanami in her arms, propping her up as though they are dancing. Nanami’s hair covers her eyes but she has a wide, toothy smile on her face. Hinata is laughing too.

(Ibuki stares at the picture a lot. Nanami’s greyish-pink hair looks excellent in a ponytail.)

One day, Ibuki and Hinata walk together through the park they cross through on the way to Hinata’s house, and out of the blue, Hinata says, “Chiaki-chan and I are dating.”

“Oh?” Ibuki smiles. “Excellent. All according to Ibuki’s plan. She was blessed with matchmaking abilities by the gods.”

Hinata’s smile is wry. “Right. That’s what happened.” She pauses. “We, uh, we kissed, there,” she points at a patch of bushes as they pass it.

“Eww! PDA! Ibuki doesn’t need that stuff!” Ibuki gasps, clutching at her chest with a hand. “Cute, though.”

“Ahaha, right.” Hinata pauses. “Don’t tell Chiaki-chan I told you. We’re trying to keep it a secret for now, because she wants to.” Her expression becomes a bit guilty. “I just wanted you to know, since you’re my best friend.”

“Awww.” Ibuki reaches over and squeezes Hinata’s shoulder. “Thank you. You’re Ibuki’s best friend too.”

“I should hope so,” snorts Hinata.

“Hm!” Ibuki pouts. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

(She is giddy when she skips home, Hinata’s laughter on the mind. She doesn’t mind keeping a secret for a bit. They are best friends, and Hinata is happy.)

---

“Mahiru-chan! You and Nanami-chan dated?” Ibuki asks, startled. Mahiru’s smile is playful. Nanami is curled up in Hinata’s lap, Hinata’s hands in her hair. They look cozy. (Everyone knows they are dating now.) “When? Why didn’t Ibuki know about this?”

“We wanted to keep it lowkey,” says Mahiru with a shrug. “We dated over the summer in sixth.”

“I’m still sorry about that,” Nanami whispers.

“Forget it,” Mahiru rolls her eyes. She is very casual. Ibuki wishes that she could have the same disposition. “You didn’t like me back, so what? It was our first relationship. You were a good girlfriend.”

Nanami’s face clouds over at that for some reason. Ibuki watches her. Was she not a good girlfriend? Or does she merely think she wasn’t? Or… could it be…

“Y’know,” Ibuki ventures cautiously. “It’s always felt… weird… calling Nanami-chan a girl.”

At that, Nanami’s eyes go wide. “Really?” Her voice is alert, wide awake all of a sudden, and Hinata’s eyebrows quirk. “What makes you say that, Ibuki-chan?” She sounds much more insistent than usual. Ibuki muddles over her response for a moment.

“It’s, not really something Ibuki can put into words,” she manages after a moment. “Just, saying, she, for Nanami-chan, it feels wrong. That’s all.” She shrugs her shoulders.

(The subject changes and they don’t discuss it at all for the rest of the night. But the next morning, Ibuki walks with Nanami back to her-- as in Ibuki’s-- house, and Nanami says, “Could you maybe… use they/them pronouns for me, Ibuki-chan? Just… to try it out, y’know?” and so Ibuki says that she will.)

---

Hinata asks for them/them pronouns too, a couple weeks later, but with an additional request.

“Could you, ah,” they seem a bit nervous. “Could you call me… Hinata-kun, instead?”

“A male honourific?” Mahiru asks, eyes widened a little. “How come? We can still use san, that’s genderneutral.”

“Oh, yeah, but--” Hinata hesitates. “I dunno, it’s just--”

“Don’t look so nervous, Hinata-kun!” Ibuki interrupts brightly, reaching out to cup their face. Their cheeks are squishy and soft. “Honourifics are an easy change!”

(Nanami and Hinata use the word “datemate”, rather than girlfriend. It is very cute. Ibuki full heartedly approves.)

---

Ibuki notices, after a while, that a lot of people… as in a lot of people, have a crush on Nanami.

They’re very pretty, so this is to be expected. Their pink eyes shine when they’re happy, and they wear this giant grey hoodie that seems to swallow them up. They smell super good too, it must be their detergent, and their hands are soft and have an excellent shape about them. Plus, Nanami is multi-talented, not only with video games but they’re also an amazing singer. Yeah, prime datemate material. Ibuki approves.

Still, it’s just, it’s so weird.

She makes a new friend during her first year of middle school. Kazuichi went to the same elementary school as her, but for some reason she just never saw him around. It’s strange. Ibuki doesn’t know why. But she’s not gonna complain about anything, because Kazuichi is an excellent friend. Hilarious. Loyal.

And, as of second year, crushing way too hard on Nanami.

“This sucks, Mioda-san,” he complains at lunch one day. They have three lunches at their school, and while Nanami is in this one, with them, she’s up getting water. Hinata has a different lunch period than them, and Mahiru was unfortunately transferred to a new middle school in the area. They keep in touch, but things aren’t quite the same without the fourth member of their squad. Kazuichi would fill the gap, except that he’s more Ibuki and Nanami’s friend than Hinata’s. “Why do I crush on people who are taken?”

“Hmm.” Ibuki thinks about it. “The heart wants what it can’t have?”

“Ughh,” Kazuichi groans against the table. “You suck. You’re not helpful.”

“Ibuki is very sorry, Kazuichi-chan.” She pats him on the back. “You are having a very difficult time and Ibuki offers her condolences, and also ice cream, if he wants to hang out after school.”

“Hinata-kun is your ex, aren’t they?” Kazuichi turns his head to meet Ibuki’s gaze.

“Mhm. Ibuki’s first love!” She croons. Kazuichi lets out a loud snort. “Oh, stuff it, I’m allowed to be dramatic,” she shakes her head. “Listen, Nanami-san is a good theoretical partner. It happens.”

“You can’t console all fifteen of the people who are currently crushing on them with that line of logic,” huffs Kazuichi, exasperated. “Eventually you’ll have to--”

“Ohoho, Nanami-san, welcome back to the table!” Ibuki beams, cutting him off as Nanami sits down. They meet Ibuki’s gaze and smile. “Water, eh? Excellent choice in beverage! One hundred percent rotten potatoes!”

Nanami pauses, and then laughs. “You’re so weird, Ibuki-chan.” They say softly. Ibuki finds herself smiling way too hard for the rest of the day, and doesn’t have the spot of mind to even wonder why.

---

Hinata seems very proud of themself as they show Ibuki a notebook. On the inside cover, they’ve written the name, Hajime.

“Is this some kinda anti-thievery method?” Ibuki asks skeptically. “Trying to stop your enemies from stealing it ‘cause it’s yours? Hinata-kun, they’re gonna see you carrying it. Seems illogical. Just douse it in chloroform. That’ll show ‘em.”

After a beat, Hinata furrows their brows at her. “Ibuki-chan, that’ll make me pass out too.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I’m sure you’ll find something!” Ibuki beams. “Ibuki believes in you!”

“Okay,” Hinata laughs a bit. “That’s not what I’m showing this to you for, though. Uhm,” they pause, and the silence is a bit more heavy than Ibuki likes. She’s seriously considering breaking it just for the heck of it when Hinata suddenly blurts, “I think I want to go by Hajime.”

“Huh.” Her immediate thought is to say that Hajime is such a common, boring name, and Hinata deserves something interesting, but… meh, invalidating as hell. It’s a boy’s name too. They’re using a boy’s name and a boy’s honourifics. It isn’t Ibuki’s place to point those things out, though; she’s sure that Hinata knows as much already. “Okay. Do you want Ibuki to call you Hajime-kun everywhere, or just in private?”

“Ah… not in front of my parents.” Hinata (Hajime) is blushing a bit. They seem embarrassed. “I wouldn’t know how to tell them. Even though I think they’d be okay.” They pause. “Uhm, Chiaki-san already knows, so…”

“Chilled legumes!” Ibuki chirps. “Splendid! Glad we had this talk, Hajime-kun! Ibuki can finally call Chiaki-san by their name everywhere!”

Before they can head to their next classes, though, Hajime throws their arms around Ibuki in a hug, and she’s taken off guard. Hajime hasn’t hugged her in a while. Especially not as tight as they are now.

She hugs back, though. “Heyo. I gotta breathe, Hajime-kun.”

“Yeah, I know, just--” they pause. “Thank you, Ibuki-chan.”

“Mhmm.” She nods. “Whatever you need.”

---

Ibuki is seated next to Chiaki at a restaurant, waiting for her mother to pay for their food, when it occurs to Ibuki to ask a question.

“Sooo… Ibuki is going to a summer camp soon. During the break, ya know.” She waits for Chiaki to nod, confirming that they’ve heard Ibuki’s tentative beginning, before speaking again. “With some group for young women. And you’re not really a woman? But it’s for uh, non-binary people too. It doesn’t cost any money, and they give you a grant at the end of fifteen thousand yen. Do you wanna go?”

“Is there still space for me to register?” Chiaki asks with their eyebrows raised. “Most camps are best to apply for in like, January, and it’s April now. At least, that’s what I’ve heard,” they add carefully.

“Uhh, yeah, Mom usually does that for me. But,” Ibuki pauses, “Ibuki talked with one of the coordinators on the phone yesterday and she said there’s room. You could apply right now.”

Chiaki regards her for a moment, and Ibuki knows what they’re thinking. Why are you inviting me and not Hajime? She doesn’t really know. Hajime is her best friend, after all. Always has been. Chiaki and her, they’re friends, but they’re not, like… friends. Like, if Ibuki had to choose someone in the world who she would want to be there by her side through everything, she’d choose Hajime. Since Hajime is her best friend. Chiaki is there by extension.

In the relationship between Hajime and Chiaki though, that is the role that Ibuki plays. And Ibuki can see these thoughts swirling in their mind. They’re not especially close. Ibuki’s known them longer than Hajime has but only barely. There’s no reason for her to invite them and not Hajime.

It just feels right, she supposes. Feels like the kind of thing that she should invite Chiaki too. The camp sounds like a lot of fun. And the thought of spending a whole week surrounded by nothing but strangers and Chiaki… it’s… not as nerve wracking as Ibuki supposes it should be. Besides, they’ve got to get closer somehow.

This must be what’s on Chiaki’s mind, but to their credit, they don’t say any of it.

They smile, and nod their head, pulling their phone out of their pocket. “Okay. I’ll apply. Text me the link to the application.”

---

The camp is five days long, actually, not a full week. Out in the countryside. There are two large red buildings full of dorm rooms, and a wide grassy field overlooking the forest, and a mountain range. From this distance Ibuki can see the sunlight streaming through the clouds, all that distant in a way, sunny and dark patches in the trees. The mountains look breathtaking and the air smells fresh and clean. Nothing like Tokyo. And when the sun goes down and the sky becomes dark…

Stars. So many of them. Ibuki is overwhelmed by how… vast everything is. She’s been out in the country before. She’s seen the stars before. But somehow here it feels different. There’s just so much open sky, and there are way too many stars. Twinkling and shimmering overhead. Ibuki slips through the gates of the garden on the grounds and walks across the stones under those stars, listens to the soft trickling of the fountain, breathes in the smell of strawberries and snatches tadpoles from the water. It is a kind of tranquility she is unaccustomed to. That which she has always been uncomfortable with.

(After all, at that lake where she had her third, fourth, and fifth kisses with Hajime, she didn’t leave initially because she had to use the bathroom. She left because of the silence, the silence that was suffocating and loud, the silence that Hajime and Chiaki and Nekomaru were all so okay with. Ibuki could never be comfortable in such a silence. She has to break it, has to say something, has to make a joke. But this silence feels like coming home.)

And there is Chiaki. They sleep in the same room, Chiaki on the top bunk and Ibuki on the bottom. One night Ibuki climbs up into Chiaki’s bunk and they share headphones to watch Crash Course videos on their phone, stay up super late.

During the day they sing together, they do arts and crafts and learn and talk about themselves. Their weaknesses. Chiaki talks about how their family moves a lot, how they and Chihiro used to be so close but barely talk anymore, how they feel awkward and uncomfortable whenever they try to make new friends. Ibuki learns that Chiaki can’t handle it when things are too loud, but they love music.

(Ibuki loves music too; she thinks about her electric guitar back home and it’s so loud as all things that Ibuki likes are but perhaps Chiaki would like it too…?)

They talk about Hajime. Missing Hajime, mostly, Chiaki texts them a lot, but also--

“Oh, yeah, kissing.” Chiaki laughs, distantly, vaguely. “Very wet.”

“Ibuki’s sentiment exactly!” Ibuki exclaims, a bit too fervently, but if Chiaki notices, they don’t comment. They don’t say a thing.

--and they talk about Ibuki’s memories, too, her memories of Hajime and the friendship they’ve shared.

“I didn’t like them, you know,” Ibuki whispers one night as they lie under the stars. The grass beneath them is wet and cold with dew, but they’re lying on top of a blanket. Chiaki is on their side, their head propped up with a hand, but Ibuki keeps her gaze focused on the sky. “It was like… Ibuki liked them, but as a friend. Hajime-kun has always been Ibuki’s best friend. And that’s… that’s it. She was happy when she was dating them. But that was just because we, like, saw each other a lot. And spent time together. It’s nice spending time with… the people I love. It was just weird hearing people say that it was a kind of love that it wasn’t.”

“I understand,” murmurs Chiaki in reply. Ibuki turns her head now, since she isn’t speaking anymore, and meets their eyes. “I’m sorry. I was one of those people who said that, wasn’t I?”

“Ibuki doesn’t blame you,” Ibuki says quickly.

“No, but,” Chiaki pauses. “It’s like… I remember the first moment I realised that I… really liked Hinata-kun.” They are the one to turn their head now, looking up at the stars. “We were at a cafe together, and I went to use the bathroom, and they texted me while I was in there. They thought they were a girl at the time, y’know? Me too. But I was sitting in there, and I realised that I had… a super big crush on them. And they texted me, saying that they thought they liked girls.”

“Mmh.” Ibuki frowns. “That’s why you wanted us to get together so bad?”

“Thought it’d make them happy. It didn’t bother me so long as that was the case.” Chiaki shrugs.

And Ibuki thinks, wow, I never knew.

It starts her wondering how much Chiaki genuinely doesn’t say about how they feel. Or what they’re thinking. For a good portion of first year, Ibuki would turn around and see Chiaki totally spaced off, or else fast asleep, and when they wake up or come to, they won’t say anything. Perhaps they just think a lot, but… Ibuki doesn’t think that’s entirely the case.

On their second-to-last night, Ibuki and Chiaki join a group of their friends in camp in one of the other rooms for a game of truth or dare. Typical truth or dare stuff.

(One of the other kids, named Rantaro, gets dared to prank call a nearby Pizza Place, for example. “Hello, my name is Juan,” they force their voice into a very dramatic accent, and the room explodes in giggles. They barely manage to finish the dare.)

“Mioda-san,” Sayaka, another attendee, meets Ibuki’s eyes. “Truth or dare?”

“Uhh, dare. Ibuki’s no coward.”

“You’re mean,” says Chiaki, for they had chosen truth on their last turn. Ibuki shoots them an apologetic smile.

“I dare you to kiss someone in this room,” Sayaka giggles. There are some snorts from around the space, mutters of, well, that’s real original, but Ibuki tunes them out. Yikes. Kissing. More kissing. Ibuki really doesn’t wanna do that. She shifts her weight, wondering if there’s a way to politely turn down the dare. Maybe she can claim she has a girlfriend. Chiaki would know she’s lying, but they probably wouldn’t call her bluff, and besides, they--

“You can kiss me, Ibuki-chan,” Chiaki interrupts her train of thought. “Right here,” they tap their cheek, and smile. Ibuki wonders after a moment if her internal conflict was that obvious.

But she doesn’t question it any further. In the yellowish lighting of the room, and with the shadows of the bunk above them, Chiaki’s eyes are rosegold. Ibuki leans forward and kisses them on the cheek.

(She falls asleep that night thinking, Hajime-kun is a very lucky person to have a datemate like Chiaki-san.)

---

After that camp is over, Chiaki and Ibuki spend an increasing amount of time together, though it isn’t really on purpose. School starts back up again, and Hajime joins them after school when they can, but they only get more and more busy, which means Ibuki and Chiaki are alone.

And when they’re alone, it gives them things to talk about. Things to do. Suddenly they have a bunch of time, and all they have to do is spend it with each other.

They end up walking around aimlessly. Everywhere. They wander around Ibuki’s neighbourhood, and then go beyond it, walking the streets of a nearby college campus and visiting Ibuki’s step-mom at the pet shop across the bridge. They slip inside of a costume shop and Chiaki takes a picture of them wearing a horse head, which is all blurry because they’re both laughing so hard as they take it.

More important than all the walking, though, they get to talking.

Ibuki and Chiaki sit together on a tree trunk one day after school, in the middle of a park near Ibuki’s house. They are so close to each other it’s impossible not for their legs to touch. It’s fine, though, since they’re friends. They talk and sing on and off throughout their time together. Ibuki likes heavy metal, but not exclusively, and Chiaki really likes soft ukulele tunes, gentle music, so Ibuki’s been finding an appreciation for it as of late.

Out of the blue, Chiaki says, “I’d like to run away sometimes.” They gaze up at the sky. Their cotton candy pink eyes reflect the clouds, and they look a bit like a painting. “Just, leave one day, and never come back.”

“Me too.” Ibuki doesn’t even think about it. She rests her back against the tree. “Really, Ibuki means it. If she had someone to run away with, she would. Too much pressure. Too many people knowing her name.” She looks up at the sky as well, count the clouds as they pass, but only in the back of her mind. She focuses on her words. Mulls them over before she verbalises them.

“That’s the problem for me too.” Chiaki’s voice is quiet. “I don’t have anyone to run away with. But if I did, I really think that I would. For sure.”

And it seems such an obvious answer, but after a moment, Ibuki whispers, “I would run away if you. If you wanted.”

“You would?” Chiaki glances at her. Their eyes are wide. “Really?”

“Sure.” Ibuki brushes their palms against the tree bark. It is rough but grounding. The park smells like soil, and earth. “Chiaki-san is not a bad person to run away with.”

“Hm.” Chiaki regards her for a minute, and then smiles. “Okay. Then, if things ever get unbearable, let’s do it. Run away together.”

“Call Ibuki and say the word, and she’ll go.” Ibuki replies. Whenever Chiaki wants, she adds in her head.

---

“We’d have to plan a lot,” remarks Chiaki, idly, as the two of them walk together down the street. Ibuki knows where they are. And so does Chiaki, really. The air is chilly and their noses are a bit pink with the cold. Winter is coming. It’s nice, though. “If we wanted to run away.”

“Mhm.” Ibuki agrees. “Can’t just leave. Gotta survive too.” She pauses. “Maybe Ibuki will just have to sell herself for money!”

“Don’t joke about that. Not funny.” Chiaki says. They say nothing else for a moment. “We could save up, though. Pile together our money and save it. Just in case.”

“Where’d we keep it?”

“We’ll find somewhere safe.” Chiaki’s voice is quiet.

“Okay.” Ibuki says. She smiles. “Sounds fun! Saving up money. Ibuki has noooo self control. But she can, when it comes to stuff like this.”

---

“Hey, Chiaki-san,” Ibuki glances over at them. They are standing together on a play structure at their old elementary school. Hajime is with them this time, some ways away, goofing around on the blacktop. “Should we bring Hajime-kun with us?”

“No.” Chiaki shakes their head. “They have too much to stay behind for. Too much of a life waiting for them.” They flick something off their sweatshirt. Their gaze is distant. “Couldn’t stand to take them away from it.”

It makes sense. And Ibuki feels special, somehow, to be the one trusted with this secret. Guilty, too, because Hajime is her best friend. Her best friend. But Chiaki is her best friend, too.

(When did that happen?)

---

Ibuki doesn’t like miscommunication, and the words I love you have always felt awkward and stiff to her. Chiaki and Hajime say it casually. Toss it over their shoulders when they all part ways. Say it through laughter, over text. Whatever. They’re an I love you kind of couple. Even Mahiru signs off texts that way, with a quick ily or a heart emoji. Ibuki just feels weird about it.

It’s comfortable when she diffuses it with a platonically! at the end, though. Maybe because in her relationship with Hajime there was no clear distinction between the romantic and platonic, at least as far as her feelings went. But she doesn’t want there to be any mistakes.

“Chiaki-saaaan, you look really nice today, platonically.”

“I love you, Hinata-kun! Platonically.”

“Mahiru-chan! Ibuki misses you so much! Platonically!”

“You’re Ibuki’s platonic faaaavourite person, Kazuichi-chan!”

It’s just easy to say. Makes things feel more… distant. She has to specify, for some reason, or else it feels wrong. Especially as it pertains to Hajime and Chiaki, since they’re dating. But most important when it comes to Chiaki, for some reason.

(It’s weird, because, out of everyone Ibuki knows, she’s the only one who hasn’t gotten some kind of crush on Chiaki before. She just missed that train when it left the station, she supposes. But she’s got to specify that she cares for Chiaki platonically. She’s got to. They’re friends, and that’s all they are. Chiaki likes Hajime. A lot. So.)

And then one day, Ibuki is waiting for Chiaki to use the bathroom, and she thinks, why do I do that? Of course I love Chiaki-san platonically. Why does she have to say it so often? Isn’t it implied? Chiaki doesn’t really need the constant reminder, do they? They’re not stupid. Friends say I love you all the time.

Why should it be awkward?

When they part that day, Ibuki calls, “Love you, Chiaki-san!” and doesn’t tack anything on at the end. Chiaki doesn’t seem to notice. It feels nicer than she expects it to.

---

They are hanging out together at Hajime’s house again, the three of them. No Mahiru. But Mahiru hasn’t been around for a while. In general, on these occasions, Ibuki feels a bit like a third wheel. (Never forget the time she was walking down the sidewalk with the two of them and Hajime kind of shoved her out of the way to walk next to Chiaki. Never forget.)

But right now she feels okay. They’re playing video games at Chiaki is kicking their asses and they’re all laughing. It’s business as usual. A comfortable familiarity.

“Y’know,” Hajime says after a particularly long laugh break. Their expression is light. “I think I’m a boy. Or, or a demiboy, or something, but mainly--”

“A boy?” Chiaki asks with their eyebrows raised.

“Yeah,” breathes Hajime in response. They avert their eyes. Ibuki watches their expression. Hajime, a boy. Well, it’s not strange. She’s gotten pretty used to them as not-a-girl by now. And their hair is short, buzzed in the back, like a boy’s. It’s been a long time since Hajime has had long hair. So really, it’s not that weird at all. And using honourifics like kun and a name like Hajime… it makes a bit of sense.

“Soo, he/him pronouns, then?” Ibuki inquires.

“Mhm.” Hajime nods. “If-- if that’s not easy for you to get right away, that’s fine, but I--”

“Huh. I have a boyfriend now,” says Chiaki. They hum. “Thought it’d feel different.”

“We have three for three now!” Ibuki beams. “The whole set. A boy,” she points at Hajime, “a girl,” she points at herself, “and an enby!” She gestures wildly at Chialy, who laughs. “We should get an award for good collecting abilities, this is excellent. Ibuki’s squad is complete. It always has been,” she adds hastily. “But now she knows it.”

Hajime lets out a laugh. It’s breathy but nice. Genuine. Real. Ibuki feels warm. “Right. The whole set.” He agrees. “You’re such a weirdo, Ibuki-chan.”

“Hey buster, I’m gonna need you to take that back. Ibuki? Weird?” Ibuki forces an intentionally derisive snort. “You must be outta your miiiiiind.”

---

Ibuki really likes… activism. She always has, actually. It’s sort of just the person she is. She sees problems and she wants to fix them. She’s never known exactly how to go about it, but… she wants to fix the things that she sees wrong in the world. To help people. Be there for them.

Hurricane season this year is brutal. It’s brutal everywhere, but one place that Ibuki notices is doing especially terrible is Puerto Rico, out west. It startles her because Puerto Rico is such a little island. Japan is an island too. If they got hit by a disaster like that and no one moved to help… they’d be in deep shit, that’s just the truth. It keeps her up late. She wants to do something about it.

And when she pitches the idea of a fundraiser to Chiaki, a musical that they could put on to have the fundraiser, Chiaki says, “Solid. Let’s do it together.”

So they stay at a cafe for several hours and outline the night. Make plans. They talk to their homeroom teacher, whose name is Chisa, and Chisa is just as enthusiastic about the project as they are. She offers them her classroom for practising, and helps them to figure out logistics, and recruitment, and auditions and all that, and they set off. They make posters. Paint them all by hand. It’s a huge deal.

Chiaki comes over to Ibuki’s father’s house one night to finish up some posters, and they sit on the floor of his kitchen, painting. They chat a bit, amicably, but the conversation is surface level. They aren’t even really planning anything. Ibuki is working super hard to keep her hand still so she doesn’t make a mess. She’s never been the best artist, after all. That’s kind of not her shtick.

After a while, Hajime comes up in the conversation. He does semi-frequently. He’s their best friend, after all, and more than that to Chiaki. Their boyfriend. It’s only natural that he’d be brought up. Ibuki rambles about him for a little bit, but when she falls silent, Chiaki speaks.

“That reminds me… I have a few reasons for this and I’ll tell you later, but… I think I need to break up with Hajime.”

And shamefully, shamefully, the first thing Ibuki thinks is, am I one of them?

What a stupid thing to think. As if Chiaki has a crush on her. They’re friends. Ibuki’s never even thought about them that way. She isn’t sure why the thought even comes into her mind. She schools her expression into something decent and speaks, says words, gives Chiaki her support, but she’s not really paying attention. Her mind is stuck on those reasons, and that question.

Am I one of the reasons? Am I one of the reasons? Am I one of the reasons?

It isn’t until long after Chiaki has left, and Ibuki has taken a shower, that she realises, startled, why the question has been eating at her mind. That she realises that… actually, she… she hopes that she is one of the reasons.

Ibuki has a crush on Chiaki.

---

Here’s why this poses a significant problem. Sure, Chiaki just said that they are planning on breaking up with Hajime, and that’s fantastic for Ibuki’s future prospects. What’s not fantastic is this: Chiaki probably only sees Ibuki as a friend. They’re great friends, excellent friends. They get along exceedingly well. But that’s all it’s ever been. And Ibuki’s only just realised how she feels.

What’s extra not fantastic? Hajime Hinata is the best friend that Ibuki has ever had. She loves him. Genuinely, really loves him. He’s her friend. Her best friend. He’s stuck by her. They’ve fought like crazy, but he’s still here. She dated him and pretty much dragged his heart through the dirt by being a terrible girlfriend, but he’s still here. Despite it all, Hajime Hinata is still here. Hajime Hinata is her best friend.

And Hajime Hinata is waaaay in love with Chiaki Nanami. When Chiaki breaks up with him, there will be serious damage. He will be heart broken. And Ibuki cannot, cannot, cannot, absolutely positively cannot date Chiaki afterwards, no matter what. Because Hajime is her friend, and Chiaki is her friend, and that’s not fair, it’s not right.

It will have to be a secret that she takes with her to the grave.

---

And she’s not, by the way, one of Chiaki’s reasons. There are several reasons but Ibuki isn’t one of them. Of course she’s not.

---

They have a friend. Ibuki and Kazuichi and Chiaki do. Her name is Mikan.

She’s a new student. She came when Mahiru left, Ibuki supposes, and that’s called irony. She’s not a replacement, though, because that wouldn’t make a lot of sense. But she’s in their class, and Ibuki hears a girl named Hiyoko saying mean things about her, and she thinks, well, screw that, and asks Mikan to be friends.

Mikan is so very, very sweet. Timid though. Anxious. She flinches every time Ibuki moves too fast. And Ibuki is sporadic, so it’s a serious issue. She’s also bullied a lot. Primarily by Hiyoko, but by other people too.

And Ibuki doesn’t really have the context for what happens. She’s out of the classroom at the time. But then she’s coming back and Kazuichi is taking her aside and he is mad, as in capital M mad, and he explains to her in a burning voice that Mikan was being laughed at during class while Ibuki was out, and Hiyoko was being mean with a capital M, and Mikan has been crying really hard but she’s talking to Gekkogahara and she’s okay, and Chisa gave him and Chiaki permission to go talk to the principal.

“Yikes, that’s a lot,” says Ibuki when he’s done. “Is Mikan-chan-- really okay?”

“I think so,” Kazuichi says quietly. “She’s more resilient than she looks. Just quick to cry. Hey, but--” he pauses, looking uncertain. “Uhh, Nanami-san is… well…” he trails off, a crease forming between his eyebrows. “Can you talk to them?”

When Ibuki nods at him, Kazuichi drags her over and around the corner, and Chiaki is standing in the space outside of their classroom, and Ibuki thinks, oh, crap, Chiaki-san is crying.

They are, too, they really are, holding their hands over their face and actually crying, which Ibuki has never seen before. Chiaki has seen her cry before, back in first year, because she was stressed and feeling a lot of emotions, but as far as Chiaki goes… she’s never seen them actually…

Ibuki’s mind says, go get Hajime-kun, he’ll know how to comfort them, and she intends to, but she can’t stop her feet as they start moving, and suddenly she is there, and Chiaki is looking at her, tears streaming down their face, and Ibuki doesn’t speak. She just grabs them in a hug and holds them tight. Just for a moment.

(Friends hug all the time. It’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything. She’s not overstepping her bounds. Ibuki still feels like a coward grabbing Hajime to talk to them.)

---

Chiaki breaks up with Hajime right after Ibuki’s birthday, in December. They write him a note. An eleven-page note, in fact. They show Ibuki their outline for it.

“You made an outline?” Ibuki can’t help snorting a bit. She feels guilty, though, for knowing this; for listening in on something that will make Hajime very sad. “Chiaki-san is very thorough.”

“Yeah, well.” Chiaki shrugs. “I like to know what I’m gonna say before I say it.”

They give it to Hajime and tell him not to read it until he gets home. He listens. And when he’s read it, he texts Ibuki.

Ibuki suggests that they hang out. Just the two of them, like old times. Have a sleepover and eat ice cream. Talk about the breakup. Talk about each other. To each other. Live. Survive. Be happy. A friendship thing.

(When she steps inside of his room, she sees pages of the note scattered around the floor, crumpled, and decidedly refrains from saying a single word.)

It’s a good sleepover. They don’t eat a lot of ice cream, but they play video games and talk. It is New Year’s Eve. They make brownies and drink apple cider. Ibuki gives Hajime a haircut. A terrible one. She’s never been good with spacial reasoning.

“Oh my fucking god,” Hajime mutters, looking at his hair in the mirror. “It’s horrible. Absolutely terrible. Why the fuck did I trust you?”

“Ibuki asks herself that same question every day,” Ibuki sighs, and he huffs at her, but cracks a grin.

(He wears a hat for the next couple weeks, anyway. To hide his shame.)

They watch the fireworks together. Hajime laughs and talks to her, and they are normal and friendly. Happy. Warm. It’s nice. They promise to do this again next year, another New Year’s sleepover. A tradition. Just them two. They don’t do that a lot anymore. They fall asleep together in the basement without brushing their teeth. Ibuki can still taste brownies and apple cider, the first things she tasted this year.

---

Ibuki finds an old spiral bound notebook. It is smaller than a normal one, as wide as her hand when it’s all spread out and stretches from the tip of her middle finger to just past her wrist. She tears out the new pages in it and writes that it’s January 1st, getting close to the end of the night.

She makes out the note to Chiaki.

---

It’s like a journal. She prefaces the note by saying that she has feelings for Chiaki, which she does. It’s like a nice little theoretically confession. Chiaki recommended a story to her, a fanfiction from a fandom that they’re both in, and she read it. It was good. One of the romantic leads wrote one hundred little messages to the other, each with a different reason why he loved him. It was very cute and Ibuki liked it a lot.

She decides that she’ll write thirty of her own reasons. And if she gives the note to Chiaki, which she might not, she’ll give it to them on February 9th. That’s the day of their performance, their fundraiser for Puerto Rico. Ibuki doesn’t know. She thinks it’s romantic.

(She can’t stop thinking about them. She probably won’t even give them the note. But she writes it like she plans on it.)

---

She’s never been good at keeping secrets. She can’t tell anyone, not Kazuichi-- who crushed on Chiaki-- not their friend Sonia, who joined the production-- because she’s better friends with Chiaki and will likely tell Chiaki-- and not Hajime, because he’s Hajime. The worst thing is to keep it from Chiaki themself, though, because she tells Chiaki everything.

It’s a new thing for her, having someone who she tells everything. Ibuki isn’t like that. But what she’s even less like is the kind of person who deliberately keeps secrets. Which she now has to do. And Chiaki is so observant, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

“You’re thinking about something,” Chiaki notes one night. They walk Ibuki home now, every night, on their way to their bus stop. It’s dark and cold but Ibuki feels safe regardless.

“How do you know?” Ibuki asks in reply, raising her eyebrows. Of course, she is, but she doesn’t want to, like, give in right away. That’d be lame. And also like… awkward. Because she obviously can’t explain what she’s thinking about.

“You’re making your thinking face.” Chiaki says. “At least, that’s what I think your thinking face is. I could be wrong.” They shrug. Nonchalant. “Are you good?”

“Huh? Yeah, yeah, Ibuki’s fine,” Ibuki dismisses, sounding more collected than she feels. Her heart is going off like crazy. Chiaki’s gaze is so intense, and in the dark outside her house it’s almost purplish. “Just, y’know, I-- well, nothing, it’s nothing. It’s fine.” Ibuki shrugs. “Ibuki will tell you later! And that’s a promise.”

“Hmm. Okay.” Chiaki nods. They’re good like that, easy. Ibuki feels herself relax. But that was an extremely close call.

---

There’s this song that Chiaki likes. It’s on the ukulele, which isn’t really Ibuki’s instrument-- she plays the guitar-- but she’s alright at it. It’s called I Do Adore. By Mindy Gledhill. It’s cute. Gives Ibuki happy feelings. Makes her think of sunshine. It’s weird. Ukulele songs are like that. Dodie Clark specifically is notorious for sunshiney music. But Mindy Gledhill is excellent. And so is that song.

It sticks in Ibuki’s brain because she remembers Chiaki talking about it a few months ago.

“I discovered it only recently,” Chiaki was saying, pouting a bit. “But every time I talk to someone about how much I like it, they respond that they’ve already liked it and gotten out of it! It makes me feel upset. I dunno. It’s hard to articulate.”

Personally, Ibuki had never heard the song before. But she understood the sentiment. And she listens to it for the first time while writing one of her entries in the note.

Chiaki-san, she writes. I’m gonna learn a song for you.

And it’s so… startlingly difficult. Ibuki memorises the lyrics almost immediately. They’re simple and catchy and the tune is nice. But for some reason she just can’t sing along to it properly. She stumbles and trips and forgets things. Mixes up lyrics. And on the ukulele, E Major is a hell chord. She hates it. She can do it, but she hates it.

Still, she persists. And she listens to I Do Adore as she falls asleep every night. Gets it stuck in her head in the mornings. Has to keep from singing it whenever Chiaki is around, because they’re bound to catch on. And that’ll be one hell of a thing to explain.

It’s nice, though. Busywork. She listens to it while she writes the notes. It makes her feel like Chiaki is right there, next to her.

---

“Chiaki-san,” Ibuki prompts as they walk back to her house one evening. It is very chilly still. Chiaki’s gaze is light and unassuming. “Do you have a crush on anybody?” She’s not sure why she’s asking. She’s pretty sure the answer is going to destroy her. But she has to know. She’s so insanely curious. And Chiaki is impossible to read.

“Yeah.” They say lightly. “I do.” They pause. “You?”

“Mhm.” Ibuki’s heart pounds. If it was anyone else, this would be the part where she tells Chiaki who her crush is. (Chiaki isn’t saying a thing either, but they’re a secretive person, so that really doesn’t mean anything.) Ibuki swallows hard. Her throat is so dry. “Hey, look, a motorcycle!” She exclaims, pointing at a motorcycle as it zooms by. Chiaki follows her hand, and then begins to laugh, and Ibuki laughs too.

Such an obvious distraction, and yet… it works, she supposes. It’s still January. The note isn’t finished yet.

---

“What are you writing, Ibuki-chan?” Hajime asks. He tries to peek over Ibuki’s shoulder, but she snaps the notebook shut and leans away, holding it out of his reach.

“Note.” She says.

“Aww, c’mon, what kind of note?” He grins at her. Clearly he has no idea what it is. Ibuki has taken to taking the note to school with her, writing to Chiaki throughout the day. Feels nice, she supposes. Like she’s carrying a bit of Chiaki around with her everywhere. “You look so moody, Ibuki-chan, it’s not like you.”

He’s right. And Hajime is her best friend. She still feels so selfish, though, doing this when he and Chiaki have broken up… well… she doesn’t have to say who the note is for. “A confession letter. Ibuki has a crush on someone. She’s writing…” she glances at the journal. “A long note.”

“That whole journal is your note?” Hajime asks, aghast. Ibuki nods, flips through the pages she’s written thus far to show Hajime that it’s all covered in writing. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah.” Ibuki agrees. She looks back down at the note, taps her pen against the desk. Maybe she shouldn’t write anything in front of Hajime. Too risky.

“I wanna know who it is,” Hajime pouts a bit. “But I guess you’re not gonna tell me, huh?”

“No,” Ibuki confirms. She pauses. “I like a little bit of mystery, ya know? I’m like Sherlock Holmes!”

“Holmes solves the mysteries, he doesn’t create them.”

“Ehhh, says who? Maybe he was creating the mysteries the whole time, and Moriarty was his gay lover!” Ibuki beams.

“Pfft,” Hajime chuckles. “What an outlandish theory.”

“Ibuki is not above outlandish theories.”

---

The first person who Ibuki tells is Kazuichi. Which is crazy, because she’s not planning on telling anyone at all. It feels like her deepest, darkest, secret. But Kazuichi sees her writing the note, and he asks what she’s writing, and Ibuki opens her mouth.

“Chiaki-san. Ibuki has a crush on them and I wanna confess.”

He raises his eyebrows at her, but then breaks into a grin. “You are not immune.”

“Oh, screw off,” Ibuki laughs, but the fact that he’s smiling makes her feel less nervous about blurting. She beams at him. “She really likes them.”

“If you’re writing a note that long, then fuck, yeah, clearly.” Kazuichi sits down next to her. “So, want me to snoop for you?”

“Snoop?” repeats Ibuki with a raised eyebrow.

“Sure, figure out if they like you back. Have a crush. Y’know.” He nudges her with his elbow. “The best friend thing.”

Best friend thing. Ibuki has severely underappreciated Kazuichi. She should never do so again. “Yeah, Kazuichi-chan, if you think it’ll work… Ibuki thinks that would be… real cash money. Of you.”

(Kazuichi’s efforts reveal information Ibuki already had: Chiaki has a crush. They won’t say who.)

---

They are all sitting outside their usual cafe, Chiaki, Hajime, and Ibuki, as usual. It’s cold and dark and they’re talking a bit while waiting for Hajime’s parents to come pick him up.

Chiaki isn’t wearing their hoodie today. It’s very, very cold, and they’re shivering. Without thinking about it, Ibuki shrugs off her jacket and tucks it around their shoulders.

When Hajime meets her eyes, he holds her gaze for a very long moment, and when he grins, Ibuki’s heart sinks like a stone.

“Holy fuck,” Hajime whispers. “I got you.”

Ibuki laughs nervously. “Uhhhhhh, look at that dog!” She blurts, noticing a dog tied to a pole nearby. She stands up quickly and runs over to pet it. When she glances over her shoulder, she sees that Hajime is grinning at her, wide and satisfied in the moonlight, and Chiaki’s expression is blissfully, brilliantly confused.

(They look, really good, in Ibuki’s jacket.)

---

Hajime texts her later.

[HAHAHAHA BRO I GOT YOU]

Ibuki groans, covering her face with her hands, before replying.

[shut upshutup shut up shuTT UUPFKJDSH]

His text comes in immediately.

[You got it baaaaaaad man lmao]

[You’re really cute tho ngl]

[Coat cliche… very good]

Ibuki stares at her phone screen for a long moment. She’s alone, in her room. Nobody can see how unquestionably red her face is right now. Her heart is pounding, though, and she knows it’s not the embarrassment.

[so… you’re not mad?]

[I’m not gonna lie I’m a little jealous]

[Like, damn Ibuki-chan, you’re a huge romantic]

[There’s no way they wouldn’t like you back]

[But I’m happy for you.]

[You’re my best friend, why would I be mad?]

She is so glad that she’s alone, because if Hajime was physically here and saying this, he would see her crying through her laughter, and that would be no good at all.

---

So then suddenly everybody knows. Kazuichi knows and Hajime knows, and then Mahiru finds out over text. (She expresses extreme enthusiasm.) Sonia finds out too, which Ibuki is anxious about, but she promises she won’t tell.

“It would ruin the romance of it!” Sonia insists. “I could never, Mioda-san.”

“Ibuki is… reassured,” Ibuki mumbles, but Sonia really doesn’t end up telling Chiaki, so that’s fantastic.

The worst bit is when Mikan finds out, because Ibuki blurts what she’s doing and Mikan gets a very sad look on her face, and much later in the school day Mikan admits that she’s had a crush on Ibuki for a while.

It leaves her conflicted. Her heart kind of constricts in her chest. It’s just… she doesn’t know. She doesn’t want to break Mikan’s heart. But… also… for a moment she is seriously, seriously considering just scrapping the note and going out with Mikan. To spare her feelings, or whatever. But it didn’t work out with Hajime. She tried to date him because she thought she had to, and she just ended up unhappy.

She ends up texting Chiaki for advice. She doesn’t give all the details-- specifically not the ones about her crushing on Chiaki-- but she gives enough, and Chiaki comes through.

[just be straightforward with her. tell her what happened last time and that you don’t want a repeat of that. and that you don’t want to hurt her. it’ll be okay. :)]

Ibuki nearly cries.

(She and Mikan never have that conversation. She comes to school the next day fully intending to, but Mikan is acting the same as always, as though it never happened, and so Ibuki doesn’t bring it up.)

---

It’s a ridiculous question, but while Ibuki sits next to Chiaki on the floor of Kazuichi’s room, she asks it anyway.

“Hey, Chiaki-san,” she waits until she has their attention, and then, “If Ibuki asked you to marry her, would you say yes?”

“Hmm. Yeah.” Chiaki nods. Their smile is distant. “I would, yeah.” They glance off to the side.

(Ibuki knows Kazuichi is grinning at her but avoids his gaze. Her heart is pounding. She assumes it’s a good thing.)

---

The week of February 9th arrives. Everyone is working hard. They have their performance coming up, after all. But Ibuki is thinking about Chiaki.

(Chiaki knows something is happening on February 9th, and not just their performance. They took a picture of Ibuki’s eyes and edited the word SOON over them and sent it to her. It made her laugh insanely hard and she saved it to her phone.)

She’s been treating the note like a journal. Talking about her feelings. Her opinions on things. She almost doesn’t want to give it to Chiaki, because after that she’ll never get to read through it again. But at the same time… the fluttery excitement in her chest whenever she thinks about the prospect of her feelings being returned… she can’t ignore it. She simply can’t.

On February 9th, Ibuki seats herself at her usual spot in the cafeteria in the morning, waiting for everyone else to arrive. Sonia shows up first, and Ibuki permits her to read the first page.

“Aww, Mioda-san,” Sonia beams up at her. “They’re going to love it. It’s so sweet. I can’t believe you wrote one hundred and fourteen pages.”

“It’s, uh, y’know.” Ibuki doesn’t know what to say. “It happens!”

“Yes.” Sonia’s smile softens. “You two will do well together.”

If Chiaki-san likes me back, Ibuki thinks. But she’ll know soon. Very soon.

---

With everything that happens that day, there isn’t time for Ibuki to dwell. And when it’s over, she shoves the note in Chiaki’s hands and makes them promise not to read it until they get home.

(They don’t keep their promise, they finish it on the car-ride back, as they tell Ibuki in a text message.)

But then there’s the weekend, and Ibuki and Chiaki don’t see each other, and all Ibuki can do is dwell. And boy does she dwell. She dwells like crazy.

Chiaki doesn’t give her an answer. They don’t really say anything at all, just mention reading and rereading the note. Maybe that’s a sign, or something, but Ibuki doesn’t know. She can’t assume. She’s going insane.

By Sunday she’s convinced herself that their answer is going to be no. She’ll be rejected. And she told herself she’d be fine with it, even said so in the note, but that’s not really true. She’s not okay with it. It feels like her heart belongs to Chiaki. She knows they’re only fourteen, but it’s the truth. She really feels like she wants to be with Chiaki, like, forever, and it’s driving her crazy. The thought of rejection is unbearable.

But she tries not to act upset about it. It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s not okay or fine, but if she fakes it enough it might become true. Chiaki’s happiness is all she wants. All she’s ever wanted. So, if it goes poorly, then that’s… fine.

---

On Monday, back at school, Chiaki says nothing. To be fair, they’re never alone. So they never get the chance. They aren’t alone at the cast party either, the karaoke party they have to celebrate the success of their musical, where they raised three thousand dollars for Puerto Rico.

Ibuki doesn’t have her ukulele on hand, but recklessly she puts I Do Adore on the song list, and then when her turn comes, she meets Chiaki’s eye while she sings it. Chiaki is beaming, but for the life of her, she can’t read their expression. They hug her when she’s done, though, and it sets off butterflies in her stomach.

And then after school Chisa drives them both back to their houses, which means even then, they’re still not alone.

But Valentine’s day is Wednesday, and as Ibuki hops out of the car, she blurts, “Hey, Chiaki-san, do you want to go out? On Wednesday?”

And Chiaki smiles at her. “Yeah, I do. Mhm.”

---

On Tuesday, Ibuki walks Chiaki to their bus stop. They walk together, companionable as always. Chatting as always. They make their way around the lake, slow, leisurely. Comfortable. Ibuki has always felt so comfortable with Chiaki.

But since it’s eating at her, and has been since yesterday, she can’t help speaking about something more seriously.

“Uhm, so, Ibuki asked if you wanted to go out yesterday,” Ibuki says carefully. Chiaki nods, makes a face, like, I’m listening. “And, uh, she just wanted to make sure-- she meant, like, like a date.”

“Oh, I figured that.” Chiaki smiles. “Hard not to know that after the note. But don’t worry, Ibuki-chan,” they adds brightly. “I meant yes to a date. I want to go out with you tomorrow.”

There is a tense moment of silence, and then Ibuki blurts, “So you--”

“Yup. Uh-huh. Since October.” Chiaki stretches their hands over their head. “Since before I broke up with Hajime-kun. I realised that I liked you, and my reaction was pretty much, just, oh no.”

Ibuki recalls the panic she felt, sitting at her dad’s house, and agrees in her head. “You mean it?” She asks regardless. Chiaki stops walking, and then takes her hands, squeezing them tight.

“I do. I really mean it.” Chiaki nods fervently. “I was so worried you wouldn’t feel the same, but.” They meet her gaze. “I guess you do.”

“Ibuki hopes you’d think so,” she mutters. “After that note, I’m not sure that I could’ve--”

Chiaki begins to laugh. “Right, right,” they say, and Ibuki breaks into a smile, feels something light and cool spreading through her stomach. Chiaki’s eyes are clear pink, like rose water. And before they get on the bus they kiss her on the cheek, squeezing her hand.

(Ibuki runs the whole way home, laughing and singing, not caring who can hear her.)

---

Their date is wonderful. They skip the last hour of classes and go to a park a bit further away from the school, around a different lake, and rent bikes to ride around the neighbourhood. They talk and laugh and sing songs from their musical the whole time, and Chiaki even comes in for a while in the end.

(Ibuki thinks maybe she should kiss them, but when she tries even thinking about it, her stomach flips with anxiety. So she doesn’t.)

---

That kiss doesn’t happen for a very long time. Kiss number six. VI. The one that comes right after five, and two after four. Three times two. You get the idea.

Ibuki wonders for a while if she just genuinely isn’t a kissing kind of person. Maybe she’s just gonna not do kissing. She knows Chiaki and Hajime kissed a bit when they were dating, knew Chiaki stopped really liking it. It happens. Kisses are like that. Ibuki isn’t fond of the wetness. Or the taste of food. She just, she really doesn’t see the appeal.

Several times, though, she wants to kiss Chiaki. It sneaks up on her. They’re sitting together on the floor of the girl’s bathroom at one point. Standing on the dock at the lake near Ibuki’s house. Talking in her bedroom. Sometimes she even wants to kiss them when they’re not actively together. It’s not even about sexual stuff. Ibuki doesn’t think about that. She just… she wants to kiss them. Just once. To see what it’s like.

She gets so nervous, though. And Chiaki is so patient with her. They address it, the two of them do, a couple of times.

“Whenever you’re ready, Ibuki-chan.” Chiaki affirms. “I’ll wait until then. I’m not in a rush.” And they squeeze her hand, which they’ve taken to holding whenever they’re together. (Ibuki’s hands don’t burn this time.)

There are other things that are nice about dating, not just the kissing. They talk to each other late in the night. Good night and good morning texts. School is absolutely wonderful for a solid month and a half. Pure bliss. Getting up in the morning means seeing Chiaki. They sing together. They are everything together. Ibuki is happier than she’s ever been.

And during the day they write each other notes. Chiaki writes her long notes in their notebook and then tears them out. They pass them whenever they see each other slipping through the halls. Chiaki’s notes are sweet and real and sometimes very scattered but Ibuki is up there with them. She knows how that is. What that feels like. She just did the exact same thing for a whole month, after all.

It’s fine, it’s really fine, it’s excellent actually. Hajime is so supportive and Kazuichi is too. They’re all the best. And Sonia is eccentric but she’s sweet and Ibuki loves the whole lot of them but none as much as Chiaki.

And then one day they’re standing in Ibuki’s yard, and Ibuki is going to go inside but she’s killing time, waiting for them to head out. They stand together by her mother’s car, and the leaves are green with the coming spring, and second year is ending soon.

Chiaki’s hair is soft and fluffy-looking, beautiful in the sunlight. Their eyes are playful, intelligent. They talk quickly about something Ibuki is only half listening to. Those eyes are a burning, smoldering pink. So very, very pretty.

(There’s only ever been Chiaki Nanami, in Ibuki’s heart.)

“Can I kiss you?” She blurts, out of nowhere, and before she can regret it Chiaki is nodding at her. They are so…

Ibuki hesitates, but then leans in, and Chiaki pecks her on the lips. It’s that quick, and it’s over, and Ibuki’s heart beats fast and hard with the leftover adrenaline, and she thinks…

Well, she thinks, that was fine, I guess, but really, it wasn’t all that big a deal. Kissing is… probably just not a huge Ibuki thing. Still, still, still. Chiaki’s smile is going to be burned into her memory forever.

---

Two years later, Ibuki’s seventh and eighth kisses are Chiaki’s as well, but they don’t really do it much, that whole kissing thing. Not that it matters. They’re just kisses. They have much more substantial things, like their hands and their voices, that they can use to express their affection for each other.

(And if Chiaki ever wants any more of those kisses in the future… they’re theirs. The rest of Ibuki Mioda’s kisses belong to Chiaki Nanami. Each and every one of them, no exceptions.)

Ibuki wouldn’t have it any other way.