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Sleep had eluded him not for the first time.
The sun would rise once more within the hour, and with it the city below that they fought so hard to protect. Dazai gazed intently - the stretch of endless darkness he’d been content to lose himself to a top the high rise building slowly being filled by the soft hue of the oncoming sunrise.
Really, the truth of the matter was that Yosano had been very strictly micromanaging his prescription sleeping pills. She would only allow him a few at a time, and unfortunately Dazai’s long history with them meant that even extra strength didn’t incite so much as a yawn with his high tolerance.
It was his fault - an overdose involving pills and alcohol that had very nearly granted him his eternal sleep had been a rude awakening for them to the reality of his desires. Guilt gnawed away at him remembering the distraught looks of everyone when he awoke in his dingy dorm room, laid out on his futon with a few of the Agency members hovering. Poor Atsushi-kun had looked at him with red-rimmed eyes - the telltale signs of having cried himself to sleep - and told him he was sorry he didn’t take him seriously.
It wasn’t their fault.
The heavy burden of shame that he had put upon them was something he wasn’t sure he could live with, but now he had lingering in the back of his mind the thought that they would blame themselves should sweet death finally claim him.
The clicking of boots against cement brought him out of his thoughts.
“If at first you don’t succeed - try again? Is that how it goes?” The gruff voice sounded behind him, but he didn’t so much as flinch. He had been expecting him, after all.
“What’s this? Did Chuuya get worried and come to check on me?” He taunted lightly, leaning ever so slightly forward - he was sat on the ledge of the rooftop, feet dangling over the edge. It was a very sturdy building, and he would have to give himself a good push to fall over.
“Yeah right, more like you’re seeking my attention by parking your lanky ass right on the edge of my apartment building.” He heard the redhead complain, however the voice grew closer until Chuuya was close enough that he could feel the brush of his coat when a breeze gently passed by.
Despite his complaints, Chuuya had put himself in easy distance to grab him should he decide to push himself over the edge. So very like him, his silly little ex-partner who had grown so accustomed to saving his life - whether it be from the dangers of enemies or the dangers of his own mind.
“This building just so happens to have the best view!” Dazai retorted matter of factly, gesturing to the scene before them. And truly, it was a breathtaking view - the city of Yokohama laid out with the expanse of the ocean in the background - sky painted in magnificent shades of blue and orange as the sun rose. The executives salary afforded him nothing less than the best view Yokohama had to offer, after all.
“I heard what happened.” Came Chuuya’s voice - softer than before, breaking the silence they had fallen into while they watched the sunrise.
“Oh? I didn’t realize you were keeping tabs on me.” He muttered. Dazai kept his gaze determinedly forward, but his fingers dug into the brick of the ledge he was sat upon. He could feel Chuuya’s intense gaze searing into the side of his skull, but he refused to look at him.
“I wasn’t. But your Doctor quite violently threatened our Boss into giving her your medical history after they found you near dead in your dorm room.”
“I see.”
They fell into another silence, and Dazai hoped that the topic was dropped. He didn’t come here to talk about that, after all. He came here for a distraction - and what better distraction was there then his ever entertaining ex-partner? Chuuya was supposed to get riled up, they would trade insults - maybe even throw a few punches, and that would be enough for him to escape his wretched mind if only for a while.
“Did something happen?”
Disappointingly, Chuuya was doing nothing for distractions today.
Dazai ignored the question, nothing specific had happened. It never has to, his mind will spiral out on it’s own terms - it doesn’t need a trigger. Instead he spoke, quotting. “Vladamir Nabokov once said - Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.”
Chuuya fell into a contemplative silence, and Dazai wondered if he was actually trying to decipher the meaning of those words - or trying to come up with a way to combat them.
“Death is going to come for all of us eventually.” He eventually settled on. “I don’t understand why you’re so eager to get there even sooner.”
Dazai blinked in mild surprise - he had expected that Chuuya would scoff and tell him that the guy who said that was probably a suicidal idiot as well.
“Chuuya wouldn’t understand.”
“I could try, if you let me.” A strong hand came down upon his shoulder, and the brunette nearly flinched this time at the unexpected contact.
The conversation wasn’t supposed to be taking this turn, and now he wasn’t even convinced that this was actually his Chuuya. He finally raised his eyes, tilting his head back just enough so that he could see the other’s face.
It was indeed Chuuya - clothes rumpled and dirt smeared across his face along with the clear lines of exhaustion from what must have been an all night mission. But Dazai could hardly care for the obvious blood staining his clothes when the light from the sun was illuminating his fiery red locks and bright blue eyes in such a way that he looked positively radiant.
Dazai felt something - something he’d felt only a few times in his life but every single time had been in the presence of the redhead. A quickening of his heartbeat, the catching of his breathe, the lump in his throat-
He quickly looked away, praying that in those seconds that Chuuya had not been able to see anything in his expression.
“Chuuya is full of too much life.” He eventually spoke up, his voice just above a whisper. He tried to calm the erratic beating in his chest, to quell the unfamiliar feeling that had wrapped around his heart. He swung his legs around, placing his feet firmly on the ground before pushing himself off the ledge.
Not daring to look the other man in the eyes again, he said. “That’s why I hate you.” And he made to move past him, almost making it to the large metal door that led to the staircase when he felt a strong hand wrap around his forearm.
“Do you really, though?” Chuuya’s voice was level, but considering what he’d just said it didn’t contain any of the insulted rage that it should have.
Dazai wanted to get as far away from him as he could, before this feeling in his chest swallowed him whole.
“I hate you.” He said again, tugging his arm with a sudden hysteria bubbling up within him.
“You’re not very convincing.” Chuuya sounded unconcerned - and again Dazai felt himself second guessing that Chuuya hadn’t been swapped out for an impostor. He didn’t have much time to dwell on it as he was suddenly being spun around, back pinned against the door he’d just been trying to escape. Firm hands belonging to a small body that possessed an unnatural amount of physical strength kept him pressed tightly into the metal.
“Let go.” He hissed out, glaring down at the ground only to have burning azure appear before him, not allowing him to avoid eye contact any longer. He could close his eyes - the thought crossed his mind for no longer then a second before it was harshly dismissed. He couldn’t possibly look that pathetic in front of Chuuya.
“You can’t even look me in the eyes when you say that. As a matter of fact, you’ve been avoiding looking at me since I got here. What gives?” Chuuya’s eyes were dark and narrowed, searching Dazai’s face so closely that the brunette had to wonder if he looked half the trapped wild animal he felt.
“I didn’t come here to be interrogated by you.”
“What did you come here for, then?”
“I-” For once, Dazai found he couldn’t immediately voice an excuse. He knew why he had come here, but he couldn’t tell that to Chuuya. How would he possibly explain to him that the only way he could ease the seeping despair in his soul was to soak up Chuuya’s brilliant rays of life?
He couldn’t. He wouldn’t .
His feelings for Chuuya were much too complicated. He hated that he could see the fire burning brightly in his soul, making his own emptiness that much more apparent in contrast. He hated how fiercely determined he was in everything that he did, when Dazai himself had to scrape together every bit of motivation he could simply to wake up each day.
But at the same time, he felt inexplicably drawn to it. He wondered if he could touch it, would he be able to draw some of that life into himself? If he dared to try, would he only douse all the life out of Chuuya with his cursed touch?
Dazai didn’t even realize that he had fallen silent, the excuses on his tongue falling short and leaving him with nothing but his emotions suffocating him with no escape.
“Let’s stop fooling around.” Chuuya said, hands never leaving his shoulders but unlike their past encounters, he was suddenly pressing his body flush against the brunettes.
Dazai swallowed thickly, becoming hyper aware of the redheads closeness. He’d never been this close to anyone - in the way that Chuuya’s body was molding into his, breath ghosting over his face - always having quite the aversion to physical contact due to the nature of his ability. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He forced out, trying to quell his rising panic.
Chuuya was too close .
Perhaps sensing his discomfort, Chuuya pulled back - but only slightly. Just enough that he could fix Dazai with another burning stare. “I think you do.” He countered, “I think that you don’t hate me. I think that you want me, but you don't know how to want things for yourself.”
Dazai thinks his brain might have short-circuited, unable to process the words coupled with the heat radiating from Chuuya’s body. He was still too close, and it took every ounce of willpower to keep from trying to squirm away from him.
“You can’t fix me.”
“There isn’t a person in this world that could possibly fix how fucked up you are.”
Ah, that stung a bit more than he had anticipated. He probably deserved it, for all he put the little redhead through. He bristled anyways, more angry at the aching in his chest than at Chuuya for his words. He gave in to his urge to struggle, but Chuuya held fast.
“But what if I told you it’s okay?” He continued, and Dazai froze. “What if I told you I’ll take you as you are? All fucked up and everything.”
Dazai wasn’t sure he completely understood what Chuuya was proposing. What it sounded like, it couldn’t possibly be. That made no sense. That was never the nature of their relationship - they were partners. Partners in crime (quite literally), partners on the battlefield, even partners on opposite ends of the law. Not partners in-
“I would say that chibi is an idiot.” He tried to sound sure, tried to project his voice with conviction but it came out terrifyingly weak.
“I guess I’m an idiot then, because I propose we try.” Chuuya was frustratingly composed - and Dazai realized that it made him increasingly uneasy. Chuuya was supposed to be angry that Dazai called him an idiot, supposed to throttle him for being annoying. The Chuuya before him was staring intently, eyes determined as they searched his face.
Dazai couldn’t possibly understand what he might be looking for, but he averted his eyes and turned his head away to avoid the stare - pride be damned.
“Try what ?” He asked, dumbly.
Dazai never received a verbal response. Chuuya was leaning up, and the brunette thought passingly that he must be on the tips of his toes for his face to be this close to his own. “... What are you doing?” Dazai asked, breathe hitching as gloved fingers snaked their way into his hair, a gentle tug forcing him to face the other once again.
He was pulled down and before he could process what was happening - soft, warm lips were pressed to his. His heart lurched painfully in his throat, but the shock that came with Chuuya kissing him left him unable to move.
Chuuya was kissing him .
Chuuya was single handedly shifting the entire balance of their existence together, and Dazai was helpless against it. The surge of warmth that engulfed him as the others lips moved against his own left him wanting more, so when Chuuya gently bit at his lip he didn’t protest, but rather his jaw slackened and his lips parted giving way for the redhead to devour him completely. He felt a shudder wrack through his body, fingers twitching with the urge to pull the smaller man closer but the tingling throughout him left his arms weak at his sides.
The need to breathe eventually forced them apart, and Dazai was unable to effectively keep his mask in place as he panted, staring wide-eyed down at the redhead who was looking uncharacteristically unsure, but determined non the less.
“I always suspected that chibi liked men - but it seems your tastes in men are just as horrible as your taste in hats.” He breathed out, because he needed to grasp some sense of normalcy in this, he needed this to be some twisted prank the redhead was playing on him.
He expected that to snap Chuuya out of whatever stupor he’d fallen into - to coax out his anger and remind him that he could never want Dazai, because Dazai was horrible. However, Chuuya just stared at him.
It made him impossibly more uncomfortable, more so because the redhead had yet to let go of him. His fingers were still firmly but gently tangled into his hair.
“I know what you’re trying to do.” Was Chuuya's simple reply.
“Keep you from making a horrible mistake?” Dazai tried, feeling off kilter in not only his body but in his mind, his retorts lacking.
“No, you’re trying to push me away because you’ve somehow conditioned yourself to believe you can’t be loved.”
Loved.
“You’re confusing that with-”
“With what? Huh?” The redhead was quick to cut him off, the fingers of one hand still gripping his shoulder digging in - not enough to hurt, but warning. “Please, continue to tell me that you know what I feel.”
“Chuuya doesn’t love me.” Dazai spat out, trying to quell the trembling of his limbs and the growing ache in his heart.
Chuuya paused before asking carefully. “And why is that?”
The answer was simple. “There is nothing to love.”
A frown suddenly tugged at the corner of the executives lips, brows furrowing as he tried to work out how he should respond to Dazai’s declaration.
When he eventually replied, it was with a decidedly very gentle, very un-Chuuya-like tone. “I think you should let me be the judge of that. Your own lack of self-worth hardly makes you a reliable critic.”
“I don’t want your pity.” Dazai bristled once more.
To Chuuya’s credit, he didn’t rise to the bait - simply tilting his head in question. “Is that what you think this is?”
“I don’t know what this is.” Dazai loathed the way his voice came out so desperately, as if pleading with Chuuya to give him an explanation he could understand.
Ever so slowly, hesitantly, Chuuya removed his entangled fingers from Dazai and took a single step back - still well within Dazai’s personal space but far enough now that Dazai could breathe.
Truth be told if only to himself - he wanted more of Chuuya’s touch, feeling cold now with his warmth gone, and that feeling terrified him. Shook him to his core enough that he wanted to run away from it.
The redhead ran a frustrated hand though his own tangled locks - Dazai couldn’t be bothered to think about when or how his precious hat had ended up on the ground, not when he was busy trying to study the look on the others face.
“..... I wasn’t there, this time.” Chuuya finally confessed, the words tentative on his lips as if he were unsure if he should be uttering them.
Oh. Dazai thinks he understands now.
“I’m not your responsibility.” He offers as a way to ease the others apparent guilty conscience.
“No, you-” He grunted in frustration, tugging once at his hair as an outlet before letting the hand fall to his side. “I wasn’t there and I could have been. I should have been. When I actually stopped to think about it, you could have died and I wouldn’t have done a damn thing.”
He looked as if he were struggling to find the right words, but Dazai couldn’t think of any way to help him. He could only wait, simmer in his bubbling emotions and hope for escape. He didn’t know what was worse - feeling empty, or feeling things so suddenly and so intensely that he thought he might burst.
“We’ve been dancing around each other for too damn long. I don’t want to live with regret of knowing I could have had what I wanted, but I was too fucking stubborn to admit it.” He finally came out with, and it did very little in helping Dazai sort out… well, anything.
“Chuuya’s not very eloquent at confessing.” He joked, because he simply could not think of how else he should respond.
“Fuck off.” Chuuya sighed, though there wasn’t any heat in his words - and Dazai felt another twing in his heart at the sound of defeat he heard there in the redheads tone. “If you really don’t want this I’ll accept the rejection and you can pretend this never happened.”
Dazai was truly the worst, he thought as he stared at the other in wonder. Here Chuuya was, baring his heart and soul to him - offering him his love and expecting so little from Dazai in return, telling him he would take him as he was - broken bits and all. Chuuya was too selfless, and certainly didn’t deserve to have his heart trampled on by someone with a heart as rotted as his own.
“I’ll just mess it up.” Dazai eventually forced out, the weight of everything leaving him momentarily honest. “Chuuya will eventually hate me again.”
“I haven’t actually hated you thus far, so chances of that are slim.” Rather than attempt to argue further- as it seemed that Dazai had his mind set in it’s ways, Chuuya held out his hand. “I’m asking you - do you want this, Osamu?”
Dazai shuddered at the sound of his name escaping those lips, and finally being cornered with having to make an actual decision - right here and now - had him biting his lip and staring hard at the hand held out to him.
Did he want it? There would be no going back, he was aware. Once he crossed this line with Chuuya - once they stopped being just partners and started being something more, all of the baggage that came with Dazai was sure to be exposed for Chuuya to see. Chuuya already knew more of him than anyone else, and it was terrifying to think that he might see all of him.
He thought back to the way his body had responded just moments ago - he didn’t like not having control over his reactions, and the sensations that had come over him were new and unsettling. They weren’t bad, in fact they had been rather pleasant - but Dazai didn’t know how to handle that. Perhaps he could learn, with Chuuya's help.
“If Chuuya really wants it…” He began, but no - that was wrong. That’s not the answer Chuuya was looking for. Chuuya had already told him what he wanted.
Chuuya said nothing, however. He waited patiently, hand still outstretched towards him and eyes carefully holding his own. He didn’t know the little fireball to have such patience within him, but Dazai thought that today was full of so many surprises and with it - a new sunrise, a new day, a new chance.
“I do.” He whispered, but was disappointed with his own lack of conviction when Chuuya’s expression turned slightly dubious. “I want it, to try.” He said, louder this time. He reached out and took the hand offered to him before it would retract. He relished in the feeling of Chuuya’s skin against his own, the digits cool from the early morning chill. “I can’t promise-”
“I’m not asking you to promise anything.” Chuuya interrupted him, tugging him by their joined hand so that he was hovering above him. “I’m only asking that you give us a chance, and to trust me.”
Trust was something they had always had, admittedly or not. But Dazai realized Chuuya was asking him to trust him in a wholly different context, asking him to open himself up to Chuuya intimately in a way he had never done with anything before.
All he could do was just that - try, and hope that Chuuya still found him worth it in the end.
“Go easy on me, chibi.” He settled on for an answer - because he knew Chuuya would understand. Chuuya always understood him more than anyone, one way or another. For the first time in a long time, he felt a weight lift from his soul as he watched the corners of Chuuya’s lip turn up into a smirk.
“Never.” He scoffed, as if the very thought of going easy on Dazai was preposterous, but his tone was light and teasing. He used their joined hands to tug Dazai along, wrenching the rooftop door open after snatching his hat off the ground so they could make their way back into the comfort of Chuuya’s warm apartment.
Dazai allowed himself to be led - there was a nervous buzz within him, and he thought it might be anticipation. It really struck him as they entered the executives apartment - together rather than breaking and entering, that their dynamic had already been changed in just the time it took for the sun to rise.
He’d always made himself comfortable in Chuuya’s apartment when he would come in unannounced, but he suddenly felt unsure of himself as he stood in the doorway.
Chuuya clearly sensed his unease, because he rolled his eyes and gave him a sharp shove out of the way so he could close the door. “Seriously? You practically act like you own the place any other day.” He huffed, placing his hat and coat on the rack next to the door before removing his shoes.
“Chuuya is a bully.” Dazai whined, rubbing his arm where Chuuya had shoved him. “I’m being good!” He continued, hoping that his antics would help to cover up his unease.
“Tch. We’ll see how long that lasts.” Chuuya shot back, before announcing that he needed a shower and for Dazai to behave in the meantime. The redhead left the door, and Dazai was left with the silence and his thoughts.
Removing his own coat and shoes, as well as his vest for comforts sake - the detective padded into the familiar living room. He dropped down onto the plush couch, exhaustion becoming more apparent now that he was alone. He doubted even now that sleep would come to him, the pills in his pocket not even a temptation because they were quite useless.
He grabbed one of the pillows, clutching it against his chest and resting his cheek against it. His eyes fluttered, the sound of the shower running in the background lulling him. Maybe if he closed his eyes, he would be blessed with a short nap.
His mind had other ideas, turning over his entire conversation with Chuuya. The problem with having a perfect memory was that he could recall everything. The feeling of Chuuya’s lips against his - making his own tingle with want, the feeling of Chuuya’s fingers in his hair-
That particular felt almost too real, slender fingers gently grazing his scalp, and he could imagine the whisper of “Osamu” passing the redheads lips-
He jolted, blinking owlishly as he made the connection to reality. Chuuya was stood in front of him, freshly showered and dressed for sleep. His fingers were, in fact, planted on top of his head. Dazai realized he must have dozed off after all, if the amusement in the redheads eyes were anything to go by.
“Stop drooling on my expensive furniture, come to bed.” He said softly - and everything about Chuuya today was so soft he was beginning to wonder if this was all just an extensive dream. Chuuya pulled the pillow away from him and yanked him - so, scratch that about Chuuya being all soft - off the couch and towards the bedroom.
Come to think of it, he was being awfully pliant as he let Chuuya drag him around here and there. He didn’t have it in him to complain though, as the thought of this being the first time he’s ever been invited to sleep with Chuuya abruptly made its way into his mind.
Sure, they had slept in the same bed during joint missions during their teenage years. Though, it mostly consisted of Chuuya snoring away and Dazai being wide awake throughout the night plotting for the day to come. To think that years later, he was being invited to sleep in Chuuya’s bed as… something else, was jarring.
He truly felt out of his element, and it amazed him how casually Chuuya was going about everything. He didn’t even bat an eye as he tossed a spare t-shirt and shorts to Dazai, daring him to crack a joke because it’s oversized, so I don’t want to hear shit.
In the daze he’d found himself left in since Chuuya arrived on the rooftop, he changed into the spare clothing - shorts a tad tight, but the shirt comfortably loose on his frame - leaving his bandages in place. It was too much, too fast, already. He couldn’t bring himself to be that exposed right now. Chuuya had seen beneath his bandages - but only patches at a time. He’d never seen him completely free of them, and tonight was not the night for that.
Chuuya didn’t say anything about it, the quiet acceptance a relief on Dazai’s already frazzled state. It seemed that Chuuya, for his part wasn’t interested in continuing any heavy conversation or pushing his boundaries too quickly, for which Dazai was glad.
They were both running on zero sleep, and perhaps that’s the reason they were so unusually open with each other to even allow them to get this far. Exhaustion often dismantled mental defenses, after all.
Dazai crawled into the unreasonably large bed - sinking into the plush mattress with a sigh of contentment he couldn’t have held back if he wanted to. He was so very tired, and the warmth that surrounded him was comforting.
His body tensed, eyes cracking open as he felt a smaller body crawl closer to his own. The bed was big enough for a small family, but he found Chuuya crowding close to him. He swallowed thickly, not sure what to do when strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him close until his head was resting against the others chest.
Like this, he could hear Chuuya’s heart beating wildly in his chest. Ah, so chibi wasn’t quite as unaffected as he let on. It calmed Dazai, knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling shaken by the sudden turn of their relationship.
“Relax.” Came the sleepy voice above him, a nose nuzzling into his hair. “Sleep.”
Dazai shifted a bit to get comfortable, willing his body to relax in a type of embrace he was unused to. He let out a soft sigh, eyes falling shut as a warm hand gently rubbed his back. Surrounded by his comforting presence, Dazai found himself lulled into deep sleep.
Come late afternoon, he would find that he had slept soundly through the day.