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It is Valentine’s Day and Peter doesn't give a fuck about it.
He’s just looking forward to the day after, where all the chocolate is half-price and if he doesn’t buy himself a giant Reese’s heart, then what is the point in this silly holiday, he thinks.
As he’s walking down the hallway to his history class, he can’t help but glance at the lovey-dovey kids around him: holding hands, giving each other chocolates and flowers, sneaking kisses before a teacher can catch them.
It’s like a Hallmark store threw up in Midtown Tech.
Peter honestly doesn’t get it. So couples spend this one day to shower each other with love and spend time together, complete with a nice dinner and...dessert, in every sense of the word.
Chocolates, flowers, and other secular things aside, shouldn’t couples shower each other with love, like...all the time? Why and how does one day make it so special?
Non-ace people never cease to weird me out.
The sixteen-year-old walks into the classroom and sits in his usual spot, ignoring the whispers he can clearly hear from the couple who is already there.
For fuck’s sake, I’d rather hear Ned’s plans with Betty for the fiftieth time, why can’t I just turn off the super-hearing like a hearing aid?
Huh, I should ask Mr. Stark about that.
Peter rifles through his backpack and pulls out the book he’s reading, hoping to get in a few pages before class starts. He gets so immersed in it that he doesn’t notice a certain annoying bully sit at a desk next to him.
Flash then asks in a sing-song voice, startling Peter back to reality, “Sooooo, does ‘Penis Parker’ like anyone, does he have a valentine?”
The spiderling answers neutrally, hoping the tone will be so dead-sounding that the other guy will get bored and leave him alone, “Nope.”
The bully smirks, “Yeah you do.”
Peter gives him the most unamused look he can muster, “No...no, I don’t.”
“Yeah, you do, everyone likes someone.”
Those poor people, liking someone sounds so exhausting.
The hero rolls his eyes, “Welp, first time for everything.”
“Are you gay or something?”
Or something.
Also, wouldn’t being gay still imply that I like someone?
“Wouldn’t that still imply that I like someone?”
“Well, are you?”
Peter rolls his eyes again, “No, not that it’s any of your business.”
“So you’re lying -”
“For fuck’s sake, Flash, no, I don’t like anyone.”
“Yeah you do, you’re just too scared to tell me.”
It’s not my fault I’m the most interesting person who goes here.
Flash continues, “Or are you too scared to tell her?”
“Her who?”
“The girl you jack off to every night.”
Aaaaaand there’s the crude. God, I wish Ned was in this class...speaking of, when the fuck is it gonna start?
Peter starts to say “That’s fucking gross” but bites his tongue instead...because he knows he’s somehow going to be the weird one for thinking as such, “There is no her, there’s not anybody.”
More kids start filing in but that does nothing to stop Flash, “That’s it, you’re too scared to tell her, and honestly you should be, who’d ever wanna date you?”
Oh yeah, since you’re such a catch.
“Who’d ever wanna date you, asshole.”
Flash rolls his eyes as the last of the students walk into the classroom, “Whatever, I’ll find out who you like.” He then gets up and goes to his usual desk on the other side of the room.
Well, well, well, he didn’t answer my question.
The genius sighs, shaking his head as he puts his book away.
Good luck with that. Hey, lemme know who it is, it’ll be a surprise for both of us.
Damn, why do I always think of the best comebacks after the thing is over?
The girl sitting in front of him turns around and gives him a smile of pity, “Don’t listen to him, Peter, you’ll find someone soon.”
Peter returns the smile with a half-assed attempt at one with his mouth closed. He rolls his eyes once more when she turns back around.
But I don’t want to find someone, I like being alone. What’s wrong with being single and not wanting to mingle?
Huh, that could be a jingle.
The boy then snickers slightly, covering his hand with his sleeve to muffle the sound.
Heh, single, mingle, jingle, I could totally work at a greeting card company. Imagine my asexual ass writing all these cheesy, romancey Valentine’s cards.
Now that’s one hell of a dramatic irony.
-
“Mr. Stark, I don’t get it.”
“Me either.”
Peter snorts, “You don’t even know what I don’t get.”
“‘Cuz I’ll probably agree with you anyway, I’m just preparing myself.”
It is now after school and the two superheroes are hanging out in the lab.
Ah, the lab.
A place with no bullies, responsibilities, and most importantly, no love, not even the slightest mention of it.
No wonder Mr. Stark likes it so much.
Peter continues snickering as he says, “Valentine’s Day...what the fuck is the point in it?”
“Ha, knew it.”
“Knew what?”
“That I’d agree with you.”
“Wait, you don’t get it either?”
“Nope...don’t really get love in general, to be honest.”
“Same, oh my God, everyone is all coupled together at school and it’s just so annoying. I wish I could turn off my super-hearing for a little while.”
Tony’s ears perk up, “Really?”
“Yeah, like, not turn off all my hearing, just the enhanced part of it, y’know?”
“Like a hearing aid?”
“Yeah,” the kid turns to face his father figure and sits in a chair across from him, “Wait, can you do that?”
The older hero stares at his table of misfit parts in concentration, “Maybe, can’t hurt to try it. I mean, if hearing aids enhance people’s hearing, I don’t see why it can’t also do the opposite.”
The tyke’s mood lifts instantly, “That would be amazing. Thanks, Mr. Stark.”
Said man smirks, “Kid, we have no idea if this is gonna work.”
“But still, we’re trying it which is like really cool and stuff. I hope it works, I hate that I keep hearing about people’s sex lives.”
“You heard that all day?”
“All week, and if Flash asks me one more time if I like anyone, I’m gonna web him to the flagpole.” Peter pauses to sigh, “I can’t tell if being ace is a blessing or a curse.”
“I understand. Do you want a girlfriend?”
“No...is it weird that I like being alone?”
“I don’t think so, I like being alone too. If it is weird, I guess we both are.”
“So nothing really changes.”
Tony laughs lightly at that, “Nope...but being normal is for losers anyway.”
“Then everyone at school must be a loser.” The kid folds his arms on top of the table and lays his head on them. He then asks solemnly, “Why does society expect us to find someone?”
“‘Cuz they expect us all to reproduce.”
“Gross.”
“Yep.”
“But the world's already overpopulated.”
“In the government’s eyes, it’s never overpopulated. They want taxpayers to create more taxpayers, so why give in to what the government wants, y’know?”
Peter lifts his head back up, “Lucky for us, we don’t even wanna do the thing to make the taxpayer.”
“Look at that, a twofer. So, do you think being ace is a blessing...or a curse?”
“Well, when you look at it that way,” the boy pauses briefly when his mentor snorts, “I mean I have my bad days but for the most part, I like it. I don’t have to worry about getting a girl pregnant, that’s pretty cool.” Both heroes laugh at that before Peter continues, “Um, and I save a fuck-ton of money by not buying condoms, pun so intended.”
Both of them laugh again and when they calm down, Tony asks, turning slightly serious, “Do you think you’d wanna find someone someday?”
His charge shrugs, “I mean, sometimes it sounds nice, but I honestly don’t really care. If I find someone, that’s cool...but if I don’t, that’s cool too.”
“And Pete, there’s nothing wrong with that. So what if everyone and their mother is getting paired up, you’re only teenagers. The chance of any of those couples lasting is about the same chance that I’ll grow a sex drive.”
Peter smirks, “So none.”
“Exactly.”
The child smiles fully, “Love is overrated.”
“That’s the spirit. Despite what society wants you to believe, love just isn’t for everyone, too bad I didn’t figure that out until after I dated Pepper, could’ve saved myself a lot of time and nonsense.”
“In a way, we’re the smartest people, we’re not giving in to the Valentine’s Day bullshit.”
“Well, we are geniuses. I mean, I didn’t have any wrinkles until Pepper.”
“What happened between you guys, anyway?”
“Nothing really, I thought I loved her but I really didn’t, so I went to great lengths to try and love her.” The billionaire sees the kid’s shocked look and reassures him, “Not that, I promise, she was actually okay with not having sex...I think that was why I wanted it to work out so bad. In today’s world - back in my world too - what non-ace person is okay with not having sex?”
Peter’s face falls, “Yeah, I think the same thing, and hearing all the kids talk about sex doesn’t help.”
“Yeah…” the man’s face then brightens with a change of subject, “So, it’s Friday night, you staying over?”
The tyke’s face lights right back up, “Can I? I really don’t wanna eat with May and Happy, they’re just gonna be making googley eyes at each other the whole time, sickening.”
Tony chuckles, “Can’t say ‘no’ to that, wanna go out to dinner? We’ll rule the town.”
“But it’s Valentine’s Day -”
“Which is why we’ll be the ones ruling the town.”
“What exactly will we be doing that’s ruling the town?”
“You ask too many questions, what’s life without a little bit of surprise, huh?”
Peter fondly rolls his eyes, “Okay, why not?”
-
A few hours later, the duo finds themselves in front of a podium at a fancy restaurant.
So fancy that there is a dress code.
And since it’s Valentine’s Day, the place is decorated to the nines with pristine white tablecloths, red roses and candles as the centerpieces, cloth napkins made of what looks like red silk, and easy-listening music in the background.
A perfect place for couples to treat themselves to an expensive dinner with even more expensive wine.
A perfect place for romantic couples.
So far out of Peter’s element.
As they’re waiting for the host to return, the teen looks up at his mentor, “Um, Mr. Stark...I know you said to get dressed up, but I thought we were just gonna like, get a burger or something.”
“We do that all the time, it’s Valentine’s Day, live a little.”
“You’re literally giving in to the Valentine’s Day bullshit.” The boy then looks around the restaurant and says, getting a tad nervous, “And we’re the only non-couple who’s here.”
Tony mocks offense, “We’re a couple, a couple of people.”
“For fuck’s sake, this is so weird.”
The older man laughs at his protege’s expense, “Relax and enjoy the night, bud, can’t a man spend the cheesiest and most unnecessary holiday with his kid?”
Peter grunts but smiles all the same, "I guess."
"Good, if anyone gives us weird looks then fuck them, pun intended."
The kid laughs fully, still going when the host returns and he has to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from looking like a complete idiot.
But that wasn't necessary because the host is already looking at the two heroes like they just hopped off a UFO. Before she can even greet them with a simple "Good evening", Tony says, "Table for two, please."
"Um, uh...yeah, of course."
She leads them to a table next to a wall, not in a corner but not in the dead center of everything either. After saying the obligatory “Your server will be right with you”, the host leaves them alone.
Both heroes start perusing the menu, with Peter gawking at the prices. His mentor says nonchalantly, “Get whatever you want.”
“Are you sure -”
“Get whatever you want.”
The kid bites his lip, “Whatever I want?”
“You sure you need that hearing aid, ‘cuz I think it’s getting worse all on its own.”
Peter snorts in response, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” After taking a second to look over the menu, he grins from ear-to-ear, “Ah, a porterhouse, well done -”
His mentor cuts him off, lowering his menu, “Lemme stop you there: you are not about to order a steak well done -”
“With two lobster tails.” the child then says, feigning innocence, “I thought you said I can get whatever I want -”
“Except a well done steak, what did that poor cow ever do to you?”
“Um, that cow sacrificed itself for me to eat it however I want.”
“That cow is rolling in its grave as we speak.”
“How do you know, are you Dr. Dolittle? You don’t look like Eddie Murphy.”
“I’m soooo much cooler than Eddie Murphy -”
Their playful bickering is cut off with their overly cheery server greeting them and taking their drink order, a glass of wine for Tony and a Coke for Peter. The waiter then says, “So, your kid’s your date this evening, huh?”
“Yup, we decided it’d be more fun this way.”
The teenager’s cheeks heat up at the compliment as he grins.
The server then says, “Alright, alright, nice. Anyway, be right back with your drinks.” He is about to walk away when Tony stops him unexpectedly and asks, “Hey, can you tell Derrick that Tony Stark’s here? He’ll know.”
“Uh, yeah sure.”
Once the employee hurries off, the geniuses go back to perusing the menu. Peter then says, “Um, Mr. Stark?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re like famous and stuff.”
“Gee, how’d you find that out, I tried my damndest to keep it under wraps.”
The young hero snorts as he rolls his eyes, “But you just told that guy I’m your kid.”
“You are my kid.”
“Yeah, but you told that guy I’m your kid. What if he tells everyone and they think I’m your actual kid?”
Tony waves him off, “Eh.”
“Eh?”
“There’s a lot worse rumors that could be spread.”
Peter’s cheeks heat up even more, “Mr. Staaaaaark….”
The older man smiles, “Too mushy?”
“Eh, it’s Valentine’s Day, it’s supposed to be mushy.”
“So, you gonna get the porterhouse?”
“Um, not sure yet.”
Hell no, I’m not about to get something where the price looks like an area code.
The waiter soon returns, holding a tray containing their beverages and a couple of mysterious boxes, a bit on the small side in size. He turns to the billionaire and asks after setting down their drinks, “Is this it?”
“Yup, thanks.”
The server then takes their food order and Peter, feeling guilty about getting the most expensive steak on the menu, decides on a ribeye instead that’s accompanied with a baked potato and a side salad, passing on the lobster tails.
Tony, both sensing and expecting this, orders his steak and adds on the lobster tails, surprising his protege. Once the waiter walks off, the man states, “You didn’t order your steak well done.”
The intern replies while pouring his soda in his wine glass, playfully wanting to feel “fancy”, “I wanna eat my steak, not use it in skee ball.”
“You were messing with me this whole time?”
“I mean I learn from the best.” The tyke gestures to the boxes, “What’s that?”
“Well, these were for you, but I don’t know if I wanna give them to you now.”
That’s news to the spiderling, “Wait, this going-out-to-dinner thing was planned on the spot, how’d you find time to get me stuff?”
“I may or may not have made a couple calls while you were getting dressed.”
Peter’s eyes bug out, “That was like ten minutes.”
“What a coinkydink, this took eight.”
“Mr. Stark -”
“I know I’m being mushy again, sue me.” Tony then passes the gifts to his protege, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Pete.”
Peter takes the items and stares at them for a few seconds before saying, “Mr. Stark, you-you didn’t have to get me anything, this dinner is already awesome -”
“Pete, there’s no hidden key that’s gonna take you to a new sports car, alright, just open them, I promise it’s nothing.”
The kid finally opens the first present and starts laughing at what’s inside.
It’s a giant Reese’s heart.
He says between bouts of giggles, “How’d you know?”
“You’ve told me a solid million times that Reese’s is your favorite candy.”
“Yeah, but the heart. I uh, I have this silly tradition with myself that every year the day after Valentine’s Day, I get the giant Reese’s heart half-price.”
“I thought you didn’t give in to the Valentine’s Day bullshit.”
“That’s why I wait and get it at half-price, duh.”
“See, look at that, I’m saving you money.”
“Yeah, guess so, um...thanks.”
“Open the other thing, slowpoke, God, I thought you kids were pros at opening presents.”
Peter rolls his eyes, “Okay, okay I’m doing it.”
He opens the next gift, this one longer and thinner than the previous and what’s in the box makes the boy’s eyes narrow in confusion.
It is a small bouquet of lilacs.
There’s three of them in total, just enough to fit into the box without smashing them. They look so fresh and clean that someone must’ve just picked them today, the teen thinks.
Peter picks up the flowers, delicately to prevent any more petals from falling. He then looks at his father figure and asks, “What is this?”
“They’re lilacs -”
“I know that but, um...why? I mean they’re really pretty, it’s not that, it’s just -”
“Didya know that lilacs symbolize family?”
“Really? I thought they stood for youth.”
“Well that too, but also family.”
Peter, still confused at this gift, says, “Um, no...no, I didn’t know that.”
“I also got them because of the purple, it fits us too well, if I’m being honest.”
The teen snorts at that, “Us aces really do like purple, don’t we?”
“Yep, but I also got it for something else.” Tony leans in slightly to get his kid’s full attention, “I want you to know that you not wanting to find someone, you not wanting to do the things that people say ‘define a relationship’, there’s nothing wrong with that, bud.”
“The logical part of my brain knows that...it’s the rest of me that’s in constant doubt.”
“And I know a lot of that is due to outside influence. What people say, what society thinks, none of that matters as long as you’re happy. Society and all those hormonal teenagers aside, are you happy?”
Peter immediately nods his head, “Yeah, I am. I mean I got you, I got May, Ned, Spider-Man...I don’t really need anybody else, but I have this constant thing nagging me all the time that it’s not enough, but I never feel like anything’s missing.”
“Everyone’s different, they - whoever they are - tend to focus on what’s new, what’s ‘trending’, yada yada, but there’s tons of other people who think the same way we do.”
“The logical part of my brain knows that too.”
“But the hard part is convincing everywhere else, right?”
Peter nods his head, “I’m getting better, though! I’m embracing the purple.” He smiles as he gestures to the lilacs.
Tony returns the smile with a soft one of his own, “So...we know Valentine’s Day is all about love, right?”
The tyke nods his head once more, a hint of skepticism at where this is going.
The older hero continues, “But contrary to popular belief and what everyone thinks is love,” he gestures to the table and the decorations around the restaurant, “Valentine’s Day never truly specifies that it’s a celebration of just romantic love.”
Peter’s eyes widen, “Really? But like...all the stuff -”
“Is utter bullshit. So I wanted to take you out tonight to celebrate...what we have.”
The child is now grinning from ear to ear, “Do you love me, Mr. Stark?”
“I gave you flowers and chocolate, you’d think I do that for just anybody?”
“You really know how to make a guy feel special on Valentine’s Day -”
“Oh, shut up.”
Peter giggles in response, “I love you too...thank you for this, this is, um...this is really nice.”
“Honestly, there’s no one else I’d rather spend it with.” Tony holds up his half-drunk wine glass, “To disappointing society.”
His kid puts his flowers in the vase alongside the single red rose and holds up his own wine glass of soda, “To pissing off people who don’t think like we do.”
“Here, here.”
They giggle as they clink glasses. Soon, their salads come and they dive in, making small talk and bantering between bites. When their bowls are taken away and they’re waiting for the main course, Tony says, “We should do this more often.”
“We already do, just not this fancy.”
“That’s what I mean, we could do this more often, y’know.”
Peter thinks about that for a couple of seconds before shaking his head, “Nah, if we did this all the time, it wouldn’t be this, um, special, y’know?”
“So, you consider celebrating Valentine’s Day to be special now?”
“Well, um...kinda yeah. I still think it’s a silly holiday that shouldn’t exist but since it does exist...this is a lot of fun, it’s special, I guess.”
“D’awwww -”
“Shut up.”
Tony laughs, “So, you think you’ll be free next year?”
Peter shrugs, “Depends on if the steak’s good or not.”
“You little shit -”
“Kidding! Of course, I’ll be free. Guess we gotta make this a tradition now.”
The billionaire confirms as their main courses arrive, “I can get behind that.”
As they dig in to their food, Peter thinks about what his mentor just said.
That Valentine’s Day isn’t just for romance to be celebrated, but all types of love...including the one that they share.
Familial love.
The type of love they have every day they're in the lab, when Tony picks the kid up from school, helps him with homework, patches up his wounds after patrols.
Tony doesn't do those things just for the hell of it.
And that is better than any romance in the world, the kid thinks.
So maybe this holiday - as silly as it still is - isn’t complete and utter bullshit, after all.