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Honeymaren had been looking forward to this trip all week. True, it wasn't something that a lot of people planned ahead for, at least not like this, but it was to be a new experience.
“You're sure you want to do this?” Elsa asked.
“Are you kidding? Of course I do!” Honeymaren said excitedly. “We couldn't risk getting drunk in the enchanted forest before you came and calmed the spirits. But even now that we could we don't have much alcohol. There wasn't much point in making it when you couldn't risk someone getting drunk right before earth giants attacked or something.”
“Okay, I can understand wanting to go out drinking,” Elsa conceded. “But you said you want to get drunk? That's another matter entirely.”
Honeymaren just grinned. “The elders who were around before we got trapped in the forest have told us all stories about what it's like to get drunk. It sounds hilarious! I can't even imagine what it feels like.”
Elsa frowned. “I've been drunk before. It can be fun, but it can also be pretty bad.”
“What's life without a little risk?” Honeymaren grinned. “Besides, you'll be there to protect me if I get a little out of hand.”
Elsa laughed, her soft tinkling laugh thrilling Honeymaren to the core. “I suppose I can do that for my girlfriend,” she said, nudging Honeymaren.
“Hey, hey, don't say that too loudly,” Honeymaren hushed Elsa. “We're already in your city, and I've heard that some places aren't as open to relationships between two women as the Northuldra are.”
Elsa sighed. “I told you, Arendelle isn't that bad.”
“Maybe normally, but you were they're magic queen. I don't want them thinking I stole you away from them for my own naughty purposes.”
Elsa raised an eyebrow. “Didn't you?”
“No!” Honeymaren said, blushing intensely. “I mean, at least, that wasn't the entire reason. It was about your well-being and happiness as the fifth spirit,” she justified. “It just so happens that your happiness is also helped by having beautiful brunettes kiss you senseless.”
Elsa laughed again. “Mostly true,” she said. “But you're wrong about one thing.”
“And what's that?” Honeymaren asked.
Elsa tapped her on the nose. “Brunette. Singular. Only one there for me and my happiness.”
Honeymaren blushed again. Usually she was the flirtatious one in their relationship, but she always enjoyed when Elsa got a little bolder and initiated flirting.
“Alright,” Elsa said, as they stopped their stroll down the cobblestone streets of Arendelle in front of a large wooden building with a sign shaped like a frothy mug hanging from the side. The building looked very old, and Honeymaren wondered if it had always been a tavern. “Here we are.”
Honeymaren had heard how busy taverns got, so she was surprised to see it as empty as it was. There was no movement outside, and stepping in she saw only a few people sat at just two of what had to be at least a dozen tables.
“Is this tavern not popular?” she asked.
Elsa shook her head. “That's not it. It's just early still. Most taverns don't really pick up until for another couple hours.”
One of the patrons perked up upon hearing Elsa speak. “Guys! Guys! It's Queen Elsa!” He spoke loudly and urgently, hitting the arm of the fellow sat next to him. All heads, both patron and worker, immediately turned to the door Elsa and Honeymaren had just stepped through.
“My queen!” the bartender, a large older fellow with a big graying beard, called out happily. “What can I get you and your friend? On the house!”
“Thank you very much,” Elsa said, walking over to the counter with Honeymaren following closely behind. “And please, I'm no longer a queen. Just Elsa is fine.”
Honeymaren turned in time to see someone bolting out the door. She wondered if he had some reason to be frightened of Elsa? Was if fear of her magic? Elsa had told her of the hysteria that surrounded magic when she was younger, especially when she set off the 'eternal winter'. An event that sounded very misnamed, as it didn't even last a week. But Elsa had given her the impression that following that her public displays of magic for the good of the people had caused people to ease up about that and become quite fond of her. She decided to ignore it for now.
“Alright then, Elsa. What will you and your friend be having?”
“I'll take a mead,” Elsa said. “And Honeymaren here...” she paused, looking at the brunette. Honeymaren knew very little about alcohol, so she just shrugged. “...something strong.” Elsa finally said.
Honeymaren grinned like the cat that caught the canary. Elsa knew she wanted to get drunk, so she wasn't going to ease her into it. Just the way Honeymaren liked to do things.
The drinks arrived quickly, but not before the remaining patrons gathered around them eagerly.
“We've missed you so much, Qu- er, Elsa,” one man, almost as large as the bartender but much younger, said while trying to stand in front of his fellows. “You really have to come back more often!”
“You do,” another man said, jostling in front of the first. “You should see the farm. My goat just gave birth, and I know you'd love to see the new kids!”
“You've seen one goat you've seen them all,” the first man said. “What you really need to see is the workshop. Your sister put in an order for some new cabinets that I've just put the finishing touches on. They're truly a unique work of art!”
Honeymaren chuckled. It was clear all these men were smitten. She couldn't blame them, given Elsa's incredible beauty, intellect, and kindness. But none of them had any idea how little chance they actually stood. They reminded her of a bunch of puppies all jumping up on the new person to try to get attention and tummy rubs.
She took a drink from whatever it was that the bartender had gotten for her and nearly choked on it, a strange burning, stinging sensation going down her throat.
“Are you okay?” Elsa asked, all attention immediately on the coughing brunette.
“Fine,” Honeymaren wheezed, holding up her hand. “I just... hadn't expected the bite that had.”
“You sure you don't want something else?” she asked, concern in her bright eyes.
“No, it's good,” Honeymaren said. “Unexpected, but actually kind of nice.”
The bartender chuckled. “Really? Most people don't take to the strong stuff that quick.”
Honeymaren looked up at him through watering eyes. “I'm not most people,” she said, picking up her cup again and this time downing several large gulps before setting it down.
She heard some whoops and cheers from the other patrons, but just caught the eyes of Elsa, her smile warm and happy. Before she could take in the look for more than a heartbeat the door to the tavern slammed open.
She turned to see the man who had fled the tavern earlier, however he seemed to be accompanied by at least a third of the population of Arendelle, almost entirely male. She realized then that he hadn't been frightened by Elsa's appearance, but thrilled, and unable to keep such news to himself.
As Honeymaren continued drinking, Elsa was gradually ushered into the center of the crowd. Honeymaren supposed that Elsa didn't stop by Arendelle all that often these days, at least not beyond visiting her sister, so it was expected that everyone of her former subjects would be eager to speak with her. She didn't really mind, imagining the crowd as an even larger litter of puppies. It was cute.
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It wasn't cute. These people weren't puppies. They were buzzards, eager to strip every bit of attention from Elsa that they could like meat from carrion. Their attempts to woo her were juvenile and pathetic, and she couldn't help but scowl at the predatory men. She tried to take another drink from her empty cup.
“Hey! This isn't... the stuff! This is the not stuff!” she said imploringly to the bartender. She had heard his name. She couldn't remember it though. “Beard guy, I want more of the stuff!”
He chuckled, which seemed remarkable to her. She knew she wouldn't be as cheerful if she were all wobbly like the man was. Come to think of it, his bar was pretty wobbly too. Poor craftsmanship.
“Maybe you should slow down?” he suggested.
“What?” she said, incredulously. “I'm sitting down. Not moving very fasht at all!” Hmm, somehow that didn't quite come out right. Honeymaren couldn't be bothered to worry about that now though. “I need the stuff that's not here to be here!” she insisted holding out her cup to him. He shrugged, going behind the counter to grab more of the stuff.
“Really, what do the Northuldra have that we don't,” a male voice carried to Honeymaren's ears. She turned to face the crowd around her girlfriend once more.
'They have me,' she thought bitterly.
“There are many wonderful things the Northuldra have,” Elsa said. “They understand nature in a way people in Arendelle just don't get.”
“Damn right,” Honeymaren said under her breath.
“But they're so primitive,” a man said. “Don't they live in tents?”
“The Northuldra tents are very comfortable,” Elsa said, a bit coldly.
“I hear they had to resort to resort to all kinds of things while they were cut off by the mist. Is it true they practiced cannibalism?”
“That is an insult to a great and proud people, who are also my people,” Elsa said, the coldness in her voice much more obvious now. “Whoever you heard that from is a liar of worst sort, and I would recommend against spreading such evil lies.”
“Sorry, sorry,” the male voice apologized quickly.
“Still, it's not right that they get you all to themselves,” a different male voice said. “I mean, surely you'll look for a husband in Arendelle at least right?”
Elsa was hard to see properly, between the crowd gathered around her and the swimmy lights, but Honeymaren tried to make out her expression.
“I don't see that as being something I need to be concerned with right now,” Elsa said. “I'm... not looking for a husband,” she said diplomatically.
“Well, maybe not now,” a voice said, “but you could find one when you least expect it. You need to give us enough time to give us a chance. We can't have you accidentally falling for a Northuldran.”
Honeymaren barely registered Beard saying something about a drink as she stood up to make her way to the center of the crowd. This was a much more difficult task than she expected, as Arendelle seemed to be suffering from either earthquakes or earth giant attacks at the moment. The people were all very calm considering how much the ground was moving beneath their feet.
“I'm not sure I understand you,” Elsa said. “Love happens whenever it happens. It's neither planned nor accidental. Love just is. And it shouldn't matter if it is a Northuldran.”
“Not that you're not allowed to fall in love with one,” someone said as the ground lurched towards Honeymaren. “It's just that you have to give us a fighting chance!”
“I'll give you a chansh to fight!” Honeymaren called out, holding onto shoulders to keep her balance as she moved towards the glowing whitish-bluish beautiful blur of her girlfriend.
“What?” some voice said, as all the voices quieted at Honeymaren's shout. Whether the question came from the same person who had been talking before or not Honeymaren couldn't tell. Everyone's voice had this weird muffled quality to it, like they were underwater.
“I said I'll fight you!” she said, finally reaching her girlfriend and holding onto her elbow. “You're all talking like... like it's not up to her! She 'has' to give you a chance. She 'needs' to do this, or that. But you know what?” she said, pointing accusingly around at the group, since she had no clue who it was that actually said any of those things. “Turns out, surprise! She's a person! She can do things because she wants to! There's no rules saying she 'has' to do this or that. Instead, she can go and fall in love with someone all on her own, and she doesn't need to ask anybody else for permission, or hold interviews for more suitable candidates, or any bullshit like that!” As she talked Honeymaren felt like the world seemed to come into better focus. Her words also came easier.
“Yeah right,” one of the men in the front scoffed. “You're probably just trying to set her up with some brother or cousin of yours so that you can get royal blood into a Northuldran line.” The man crossed his arms in a manner he seemed to think was intimidating, leering down at Honeymaren's shorter frame. She took a moment to look him up and down. He was probably around her same age, with muscle, but not the sort that looked like he actually worked with it. She had seen the sort before in visits to Arendelle. People who built muscle but didn't use it for anything.
“Liking what you see?” he said mockingly.
“Nope,” she said. “Well, I mean, I guess I like that I see at four easy ways I could tear you apart in a fight, and I'm not even thinking that well. But if you mean liking how you look, then no. Not even a little.”
“Maren,” Elsa said gently. “Don't antagonize them.”
“Why not?” she said. “They antagonized me! They antagonized my people! And they're treating you like you're some... prize to win for having the ugliest beard or something. I think that counts as antagonizing you too!”
“You're just jealous because you know your Northuldran men don't hold a candle to us Arendelle men,” useless arms said. “Elsa would never pick one of your men when she could have one of our men.”
Honeymaren laughed. It started out just a mocking laugh, but before long she was fully laughing, holding her stomach and wiping tears from her eyes.
“What's so funny?” useless arms asked.
“Well, it's funny because you're half right,” she finally said. “Elsa would never pick a Northuldran man,” she snickered. “That's entirely true!”
“Maren,” Elsa said, holding tightly onto her. “You said you didn't want to mention-”
“I didn't,” Honeymaren said. “But that was before I learned what a bag of dicks these guys are!” She could see useless arms getting angrier and angrier. “And really, who needs a bag of dicks! Who even needs one dick!”
“You think Elsa wants to just live some hermit life all alone in the woods?” useless arms asked. “Or you just haven't seen her showing interest in your men so you assume that's what she's going for?”
“You aren't really that dumb, right,” a second man said next to useless arms. “She's not saying that. She's saying that Elsa... you know,” he said.
“Elsa what?” useless arms asked.
Honeymaren giggled. “You're friend gets it,” she said. “Elsa doesn't need Northuldran or Arendelle men! They're lacking the 'wo' to woo her,” she said, giggling again.
“Huh?” Useless arms was really dumb.
“She says Elsa likes girls!” his friend said, exasperated.
“What?” useless arms went wide-eyed, looking between Honeymaren and Elsa. “I see,” he said slowly, sounding strangely triumphant. “You don't want Elsa to fall for a brother or cousin of yours. You're hopelessly dreaming that one day she's going to fall for you!” he started laughed. “And for a moment I thought you might actually know something! But you're just a dumb primitive like I've heard about Northuldrans after all!” He had the nerve to begin laughing.
Honeymaren started to pull her fist back to punch the man when he suddenly fell down all on his own. Or at least that was what she thought before she looked down and saw he was standing on a patch of ice. Honeymaren turned to look at her girlfriend's face, and saw it filled with pure fury.
“The Northuldran people are as much my people as the people of Arendelle,” Elsa said. “Furthermore, this Northuldran here is neither 'dumb' nor 'primitive'. She's beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated, funny, kind, and could probably beat you senseless even while drunk. But more than that, she's my girlfriend.”
“Oops,” Honeymaren said playfully, “it looks like Elsa already managed to accidentally fall for one of these Northuldran savages after all! How terrible!”
“You can't be serious?” useless arms said, looking up at the two woman from his ass as he tried to get his feet under him. He reached to try to get a friend to help him up, but noticed that he was no longer part of a crowd. Everyone else seemed to be trying to stand as far from him as they could in a not-so-subtle sign of 'I share no views or opinions with this idiot'.
“Now, if you'll excuse us,” Elsa said, almost growling at the prone man, “my girlfriend coming to my defense just now was a very attractive gesture, and since she's successfully gotten drunk we don't need to stay here, so I'm going to take her back to the castle for the night where my sister knows not to disturb us. I recommend you spend tonight considering the implications of what you've said to the partner of Arendelle royalty and ambassador to an important foreign ally, and consider what kind of amends you may try to make towards myself, Honeymaren, the Northuldran people, and the Arendelle royal family.” Her eyes narrowed. “I hope for your sake it's good.”
He swallowed nervously. “Uh, sure. I can do that.”
“You're so cute right now,” Honeymaren said, hanging onto Elsa as she began to lead them out the door. “Do you know how hot that was?”
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Honeymaren woke up with a terrible headache. Almost before she could process being awake she was holding a glass of water, and Elsa sat next to her, looking on with concern.
“Drink this, it'll help.”
Honeymaren nodded, drinking the water gratefully. She vaguely recalled Elsa shoving glasses of water at her last night as well, saying something about 'you'll thank me later'.
“How are you doing?” Elsa asked.
“Headache,” Honeymaren said simply.
Elsa nodded. “It could've been a lot worse. Unfortunately you did pass out before you could drink as much as I'd hoped.”
Honeymaren nodded, drinking more of the water. “Thanks. My memory of last night is... a little fuzzy.”
“Really?” Elsa said, raising a single eyebrow. “This could be fun. How much do you remember?”
Honeymaren tried to think. “I remember up until we were leaving the tavern pretty clearly.”
“So you do remember being my hero, coming to rescue me from the rowdy townsfolk?”
Honeymaren chuckled, then regretted the effect that had on her headache. “Yeah. I remember that. But after that... water... blankets... I think Anna spoke to me at one point but I have no clue what about. And we made out a lot. I think.”
Elsa smiled. “You got most of it,” she said happily. “Anna was just checking on you. She did want an account of what happened. Your version of it was... colorful.”
Honeymaren cringed.
“It wasn't that bad,” Elsa said. “Though I think if not for my clarifications you would have left her thinking that someone had offered me a bag of testicles as an attempt to court me.”
Honeymaren shrugged. “That's not too far off from the truth.”
Elsa shrugged. “Perhaps. You are also right that we made out. Though not really 'a lot'. You passed out pretty quickly. But you made some very suggestive sounds at your pillow, so I can see how you might have been confused.”
Honeymaren found herself wishing earth giants were still roaming the countryside attacking so she could be crushed underneath a gigantic boulder.
“That being said,” Elsa said, tilting Honeymaren's head up to look at her, “I'm still feeling all tingly and happy about my girlfriend getting so protective about me. So if you're feeling up to it, there are lots of things I could do here in this luxurious, private, castle room to help you feel better.”
Honeymaren smiled. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”
Elsa leaned in, rubbing her nose against Honeymaren's. “It may have come up last night, my love.”