Chapter Text
“I think I knew that something bad was going to happen,” Cathy whispered. She could feel Anna’s eyes on her and deliberately stared at the dark ceiling. Lightning flashed for a moment and illuminated the room.
“You what?” Anna gasped. Thunder crashed, making both of them shudder.
“I… I think I knew she was going to do something. I never slept, like, ever, and I could always hear her crying. She was growing more distant, which I guess no one else noticed.” Cathy took a breath. “Ever the observer, I just… watched her. She’d been wearing only long-sleeves since sometime last year and began to look like me when I haven’t slept for a week. I don’t think that she was sleeping. We all have nightmares, but she has them worse than that and sure-fire way to stave off nightmares is to not go to sleep. However, less sleep leads to a worse mental state.”
“You saw all of this and never did anything? Never said anything to the rest of us? What the hell, Cathy? She could still be here if you had just talked to her or something!” Anna was sitting straight up, her voice now above a whisper-level. Cathy reached over and turn on the lamp and sat up.
“Anna, I didn’t know. I only speculated. And for your information, I did do something. I tried to get closer with her, give her a tie to the world. We read together and talked to each other and enjoyed each other’s company. I simply wasn’t enough. Why didn’t you talk to her? Why didn’t Jane? Anne? Catherine? We didn’t know. And we all feel terrible about that, but there’s nothing we can do about it now.”
Anna sunk back down onto the bed and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. Can you turn out the light?” Cathy did so and laid back down. They laid there for hours, neither of them sleeping, but neither of them talked, either.
«☆»
Last December
Cathy had no sleep schedule, like, at all. She would stay up all night and all day, with naps being few and far between. She had so much to learn, to read, to do. She had become accustomed to operating on very little sleep. But even on 17 and a half minutes of sleep, Cathy could see everything.
Not everything, obviously. But she picked up on things that no one else did. No one seemed to notice that Anne picked at her nail polish when she was bored or nervous. No one seemed to notice that Catherine always drew the same pattern on any paper she had. It was little, trivial things that Cathy noticed.
When it came to Katherine Howard, there was a lot that no one seemed to notice. The girl was always wearing long sleeves or a jacket, even when it was quite warm outside. She kept her arms folded around herself. She hardly ate during family mealtimes and hardly spoke, unless she was spoken to. It seemed as though the girl was trapped in her own mind. Cathy knew the feeling but never had she been trapped as long as Katherine had.
Something wasn’t right. All the things that Cathy noticed all lead her to a conclusion that she didn’t like. Words echoed around her mind all the time, but right now her mind was screaming Something bad is going to happen.
Cathy tried to get closer to her. One particular day, Katherine looked so buried in her thoughts that Cathy decided to take her out for a walk. She had to say her name several times to get her attention.
“Katherine? Katherine? Did you hear me?” she asked. Kat took her headphones out of her earbuds and gave Cathy an apologetic look.
“No, sorry. What did you say?” Katherine closed her eyes for a few seconds. Something was happening in her head, but Cathy chose not to bring attention to it.
“I asked if you wanted to go for a walk or something. I’ve been up all night, and it looks like you have too. I think a breath of fresh air could do both of us some good.”
Katherine looked at the ground and replied, “Can I bring my headphones? Music makes me feel more awake.” A lie, Cathy could tell. But she just nodded
“Sure. I never said we had to talk.” Cathy replied. Katherine put on her shoes and both of them headed out the door.
«☆»
They walked over the bridge in their small town on the way to the cafe. Cathy noticed Kat’s breathing pick up while crossing and made a note in her mind. Maybe she’s afraid of heights part of her mind whispered. That’s not it. Something bad is going to happen said another part of her mind. While Cathy had hoped it was heights, she knew it wasn’t.
When they reached the cafe, Kat seemed lost in her mind again. Cathy had ordered two hot chocolates and set one in front of Kat. The walk over had been silent but now Cathy wanted to talk.
“I have the most excellent idea.” Kat looked up and took an earbud out. “I’d like to read with you. Not out loud, unless you’d like that. Like a book club of sorts, but just the two of us. We read the book and then discuss it. How does that sound?"
Kat looked at her hands and bit her lip before looking up at Cathy and nodding.
“I’d like that. What do you want to start with?”
“I was thinking Witness by Karen Hesse. It’s a novel in verse, and I think it’ll be good.”
From then on, Cathy and Kat read books together all the time. Cathy hoped that it would be enough, constantly talking and being together. They talked about books and sometimes, Cathy would get her to open up.
«☆»
One night in January, Catherine was walking by Kat’s room, trying not to make noise, as it was 3 AM. She heard muffled sobs and paused. How does someone proceed in this situation? She hesitated with her hand around the knob. Her anxiety was off the charts but she knew she had to. Something bad might be happening. This could be the moment that had been plaguing Cathy for months.
She opened the door to see Katherine sitting on the bed, her frail body hugging a pillow. She could tell that Katherine was trying to feign sleep. Instead of attempting to get the girl to open up, she simply put the pillow on the floor, walked to the other side of the bed and wrapped herself around Katherine. She moved her thumb back and forth on top of Kat’s thumb.
Kat whimpered but didn’t object. Silent tears slipped out of her eyes and Cathy realized that this may have been the first time she was hugged in a long time. She hated that. When she didn’t get hugs, she wished for them more than anything. She wanted the pressure around her, and while she didn’t know what was happening inside Kat’s head, she knew that she needed her.
«☆»
Kat and Cathy had grown close in the next month, but Cathy could feel her pulling back. Something bad is going to happen.
It was February 13. Cathy knew that today was Kat’s death day. She knew that Kat would probably be going through the motions, not entirely in the present. However, she wasn’t. Today was the most engaged Cathy had seen Kat in a very long time.
That should have been warning sign #1.
When Kat came to her room to discuss Tuesdays With Morrie, Cathy was excited to see her so engaged. She laughed with her and both explained their thoughts. They stayed in Cathy’s sunlight room until lunch. Cathy could tell Kat was spending time with each queen. Making the rounds.
That should have been warning sign #2.
That night, Cathy stayed up reading a Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, which was a rather short book. She wanted to stay up in case Katherine came into her room. She was absorbed in the words up until the last moment. She looked up at the clock. 11:29. Cathy swears that exact moment, she heard a door click. It wasn’t loud enough to be the front door, so it must’ve been someone closing their door. She stays up for as long as she can until she can no longer keep her eyes open. She refused to go to her bed because then Kat might not want to disturb her. She stayed in her office chair until the sun rose.
She had had no visitors in the nighttime. Strange. Cathy made her way to the kitchen to make coffee. After everyone had eaten breakfast, Jane made her way up to Kat’s room. They heard screams several minutes later. Everyone rushed in to find Jane on the floor of Kat’s room.
“S-s- she’s gone. She’s k-k-k killed herself!” Jane sobbed. “She’s left letters for each of us. You don’t have to read them now, I don’t think.” Cathy stood there in shock. No, this couldn’t be real could it? The door click? Katherine being so close to everybody yesterday? Katherine getting lost inside her own head? Oh my God. Something bad happened.
Then Anne spoke in a whisper, “How could we have missed this?”
But I didn’t miss it. I knew and I didn’t stop it.