Work Text:
Katherine Howard was surrounded by words. Ugly, hateful words that dug into her mind and stuck. slutwhorebitchvixenhomewreckerslutbitchvixenhomewrecker. Those words and many others stayed in her mind. Those words came from history books, online forums, history websites, and so much more. She was drowning in a sea of words and had no idea how to get out.
She had started cutting nearly a year ago. Every time a blade nicked her skin, the voices quieted down. She liked it when the voices were quiet but didn’t like the guilt that she felt whenever she cut. She knew that cutting was not good for you. She knew that if you were to get caught you would get sent away, because who wants a teen who cuts up her own body? So she made sure to only cut at night, in the shower, when no one else would see her.
Katherine dreaded the idea of talking to someone. That’s what people always say when you find yourself in this type of situation. “Talk to someone.” Katherine didn’t have anybody to talk to. Catherine was way too scary and Jane was way too emotional. Anne probably wouldn’t take her seriously and would dismiss her. Anna would be so disappointed and Katherine couldn’t handle disappointing another person. And Cathy was always busy and would hate to interrupted by something that didn’t affect her in the slightest. So who did that leave? No one. Katherine was all alone.
«☆»
The voices were getting stronger. Cutting once or twice a night was no longer enough to shut them up. Katherine was out of room on her hips and had to start on her arms. She had done her arms before, when it could pass for a papercut, but nobody got this many papercuts. The good news was that it was December and no one would question long-sleeves in December.
One day, the voices simply would not shut off. Katherine had given up on a normal sleep schedule a long time ago and settled for whenever she could. That day, she was dead tired and couldn’t think straight. She had her headphones in in an attempt to drown out the voices(it wasn’t working amazingly, but it helped) and was staring off into space when Cathy’s voice drifted into her head.
“-therine? Katherine? Did you hear me?” Cathy asked.
Katherine took out her earbuds, “No, sorry. What did you say?” Her head was spinning. Without the music, the voices were back at full volume, vying for her attention.
“I asked if you wanted to go for a walk or something. I’ve been up all night, and it looks like you have too. I think a breath of fresh air could do both of us some good.”
Katherine contemplated the offer. Did she really look bad enough that other people could tell she hadn’t slept? “Can I bring my headphones? Music makes me feel more awake.” A lie, but it was still helping a little.
“Sure. I never said we had to talk.” Cathy replied. Of course, she wouldn’t want to talk to Katherine. She was just a seventeen year old with more scars on her body than anybody could count. She probably shouldn’t even go on the walk, it would be pointless. She should just stay home, get some sleep, if able.
Katherine went on the walk.
«☆»
The walk was not helpful. At all. On the way to a small cafe, they had passed over a bridge. Bridges are not good for people on the brink of a mental breakdown. The whole time, Katherine could only think of how she should jump. Get it over with. Put an end to her misery. Stop being a burden. While hurling herself over the railing sounded very appealing right now, she knew she couldn’t. Not yet, at least. A new thought entered her head, I should kill myself. One night, at midnight, I should sneak out and go the bridge. I should jump. Last time I died, it was forced. This time, it’ll be on my terms.
«☆»
They arrived at the cafe and Katherine sat down and tried to get her breathing under control before Cathy noticed. Cathy set a hot chocolate down in front of her and began to speak.
“I have the most excellent idea.” Katherine looked up and took an earbud out. “I’d like to read with you. Not out loud, unless you’d like that. Like a book club of sorts, but just the two of us. We read the book and then discuss it. How does that sound?"
Kathrine was confused. Why would Cathy willingly spend time with her? She bit her lip and thought for a moment before concluding that if she’s going to kill herself, she might as well leave the others with at least a few good memories of her. She nodded her head and said, “I’d like that. What do you want to start with?”
“I was thinking Witness by Karen Hesse. It’s a novel in verse, and I think it’ll be good.”
«☆»
After her walk with Cathy, Katherine was still stuck in her mind. She needed to begin planning. First things first: the date. Instead of trying to find the “perfect day”, Katherine simply decided on February 13. Easier to die on a day that someone else had already picked, rather than decide for herself. Katherine had a twinge of guilt. Was she really going to do this? Yes. She had to.
She had two months until her date with death. Until then, Katherine would prepare the girls. She didn’t want to get incredibly close with any of them, lest that stop her from jumping, but she did want to leave them with a few nice memories of her. During the day, she would read the bible with Aragon, knit with Jane, read with Cathy, or play games with Anna and Anne. She couldn’t do all in a day (that required way too much energy) but she made an effort. At night, however, she would pack. A few things each night, stored in boxes that she kept in her closet. Katherine had a few outfits planned out that she could mismatch and packed away the rest of her clothes.
There were a few things that she couldn’t part with just yet. She would keep them out and leave them on her bed when the time came. One of those things was her blades and the ornate box they lived in. A bit twisted, she knows, but those wouldn’t be left behind. She would take them with her.
During the two months, she also formulated a plan for February 13. Katherine would wake up and go about her day, as she had been doing, but on this day, she would spend it with her family, as best she could without stirring up too many emotions. Then, when everyone was asleep (except for maybe Cathy, who would probably be too absorbed in her writing to notice Kat slipping out) she would take her blades, and leave the house. When she arrived at the bridge, she would cut into an area of her body she hadn’t done in a long time: her forearms. Kat didn’t want to take the chance that the fall from the bridge wouldn’t be enough, so she’d cut her arms, just to ensure that she would be dead.
«☆»
It was January 13. One month left. Oh my god. As her death date was drawing nearer, the voices got worse, urging her to do it now. Katherine was cutting so much that her hips were inflamed, making it painful to walk. She was glad for the pain though. It helped drown out the voices. Tomorrow, Katherine would begin writing the letters. One to each of the girls. Each of them containing different messages, but all containing one common factor: her remorse. In every letter, she told the queens that this was not their fault, that she was sorry, and that she loved them.
That night, Katherine was having a terrible nightmare. She didn’t really know what was happening but could only feel fear. She startled herself awake and began to sob, quiet as she could. It was 3 AM, after all. Then, she heard her door opening and shut her eyes. She tried to slow her breathing and feign sleep, but it clearly wasn’t working. She felt someone (Cathy, she figured out) wrap herself around Katherine. Katherine whimpered as Cathy made soothing motions on her hand before giving up. It was late, and if she had to admit, the physical comfort felt nice. Silent tears fell, but Cathy didn’t try to get her to open up. Katherine liked that.
Katherine had not expected the letters to be so heart-wrenching. It was a lot harder than she expected, saying goodbye to people she had begun to consider family. The days were flying past, and The Day was coming closer. Katherine was becoming slightly less sure about her decision the more time she spent with Cathy, but it was too late. She was too far gone for anybody to help. Katherine knew this. She had made her peace with it. Was she excited about her death? No, of course not. Was she looking forward to leaving her family behind? No, of course not. But was she looking forward to getting an everlasting reprieve from the voices, who at this point were so loud Katherine could do nothing about them? Yes. She was looking forward to that.
«☆»
February 13. Katherine Howard’s last day on earth. The last time she would ever do anything was today. She spent the day as planned. She laughed and smiled and had what may have been the best day she’s had in a very long time. Kat and Aragon read scripture together, which Katherine had initiated the day she set her death date. While she and Catherine were from differing sects of Christianity, they still sat together in the morning and read the bible. It hurt Katherine, just a little bit, to know this was the last time they would do this. Katherine talked with Cathy about the latest book from their book club (the last book she would ever read). She, Anne, and Anna played several rounds of Clue(Katherine always won. It made Anne a bit pouty, but she wasn’t serious. Katherine wondered who would be the winner once she was gone.) She finished a blanket she had been knitting while Jane knitted something of her own. Katherine could leave them the blanket and hope they used it to grieve her. She had realized something that day. They would grieve her. They did care about her, no matter what she believed. It hurt Katherine to know she would be leaving what may be the only people who had truly loved her.
«☆»
11:00 PM
As it neared midnight, Katherine Howard prepared her room. She made her bed, nice and neat. She folded the rest of her clothes, put them in a box, and closed the closet. She straightened up her desk, leaving out only a pad of paper and a few colored pens. Her box with her blades was also on her desk, but that didn’t matter. They would be gone soon enough. On her bed lay her most prized possessions: her teddy bear, her newly finished blanket, a picture she had taken of all of them, and of course, the letters. Each one in a sealed envelope, with their names written in loopy cursive.
Catherine
Anne
Jane
Anna
Cathy
11:29 PM
Katherine Howard leaves her house. She slips out the front door and closes it as quiet as she can. She knew Cathy was still awake, but the likelihood of her hearing the door was very little. She only has her blades with her. It was extremely cold, but that didn't matter anymore. She would be gone soon enough. Over the past two months, Katherine had walked to the bridge enough to figure out exactly how long it would take to get there. It would take her 26 minutes to get there at 11:55 PM. That would give her just enough time to say her final prayers, cut her arms, and jump. God, was she scared.
11:57 PM
Prayers had been said. Katherine had prayed for forgiveness because while she may have made her peace with the Lord, she knew what she was about to do was wrong. Katherine was shaking like a leaf. She was terrified and cold. She bowed her head once again and uttered one last Hail Mary. “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.”
11:58 PM
Katherine looked around for anyone. She wanted to be alone. She wanted no one to try and stop her. She had to do this. It was time. She took a deep breath and fished her blades out of her pocket. She rolled up her sleeve. She pressed down. Hard. Blood began welling up immediately. Katherine’s heart began pumping faster. What am I doing?
“KATHERINE?” What? No… no one is supposed to be here. Who said that? “KATHERINE, STOP!” She couldn’t process the information. Her other hand took the blade and pressed down on her other arm, feeling blood well up before climbing up on the ledge and-
Hitting the pavement. Someone had pulled her back. No, that’s not what was supposed to happen. She should be dead. Katherine turned around, looking to see who was responsible for this.
“What the fuck, Katherine? What the hell are you doing?” Cathy yelled.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Katherine yelled back. “ I was finally going to be happy and free, but then you do this? God, Cathy, just go away. Go home.”
“I literally can’t do that. Absolutely not. I’m calling an ambulance and you are getting stitches. Jesus fucking Christ, Katherine.”
“NO! No ambulance!” Katherine blurted out
“Uh, yes ambulance. There is no fucking way I’m going to let you die. I knew. I fucking knew that something bad was going to happen. Why, Katherine? Why?”
Katherine refused to speak for the rest of the night unless she was required to. They spent the night in the hospital.
«☆»
“You know I have to tell the others, right?” Cathy whispered. Katherine nodded, knowing that this meant the end of her freedom. No one would leave her alone, ever. If she seemed even slightly upset, she wouldn’t be allowed to be alone. “You still haven’t answered my question.” Katherine raised an eyebrow, questioningly. “Why?”
Katherine sighed. “I had to.” She whispered. “I don’t expect anyone to get it. But what if,” she paused. Cathy motioned for her to go on. “What if you didn’t tell anyone? I know you want to, but doing that would destroy any freedom I still have. I’ll agree to your terms, but please, just don’t tell them. I couldn’t handle all their disappointment and I just. I just can’t.”
Cathy shook her head. “I have to, Kat. I can’t just not. We’ll get you help, and I promise I’ll help you keep your freedom. I also promise that life will be worth living. I won’t let you down.” Cathy held out her pinky, waiting for Katherine to take it. Katherine stared at it for a minute or two. She thought about every possibility and decided that she would take a chance. She wrapped her pinky around Cathy’s. It would be okay.
«☆»
I see everything you can be
I see the beauty that you can't see
On the nights you feel outnumbered
Baby, I'll be out there somewhere.