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Dave was pretty used by now to seeing some random-ass version of himself pop in from the future; had a whole fucking protocol for it, studious ignoring if at all possible, a demand for time verification if necessary, curt and direct warnings delivered as fast as possible if there was no way out of it. Fucking rules of etiquette for it, and Dave was so ready for this bullshit to be over he couldn't even begin to explain.
This one, however, was a little harder to ignore, given that he was both a little bit too tall and wearing a fucking skirt, short and pleated, and a vest of the same rust color flapping loose. For a second he thought it was rule 63 shenanigans and they were all fucked forever, but as his eyes half-involuntarily followed the black tie down, he was pretty sure this Dave was still a dude. As to why the fuck he was crossdressing-- and jegus fuck, he was just gonna pretend he'd never seen the boots--
"Time?" the other him demanded, shoving hair out of his eyes; Dave noticed he seemed to have a timetable mounted on his wrist, or something very like it.
"Three f--"
"Skaian," the guy added, and Dave just barely stopped himself from asking how far ahead the guy had been, that he'd need that long a point of reference. Least we live that long.
"4-17-28-37," he answered, ignoring the little uneasy voice in the back of his head that wondered how the fuck he knew.
"Get Jade for me, ask A-22-49-11-312," said the guy, fiddling with his timetable or whatever. He was shifting impatiently, looking off-balance-- Dave had a hopeful thought that maybe that meant he wasn't used to the boots. "She'll know what it means."
Dave shook his head and just did it, figuring he'd follow the rules as best he could, anyway.
TG: hey jade
GG: hi!!
TG: A-22-49-11-312?
GG: yeah
GG: wait
GG: what??
"She says yeah," Dave reported.
The other guy looked up, embarrassed. "Could you ask her where Egbert is?"
"Christ on a pony," Dave muttered; weird time-traveling shit precipitated by John being a fuckwit tended to be the worst time-traveling shit.
"You have no goddamn clue," the other Dave muttered.
TG: hey can i also get coordinates on egbert
GG: well yeah i guess i can find him...
GG: what is this about??
TG: i dunno
TG: shenanigans
GG: oh, more time-travel stuff?? :O
TG: just get me the coordinates
TG: so this can be over as fast as humanly possible
GG: :O
GG: i really like that outfit!!
TG: oh jesus christ
TG: harley i am serious this never fucking happened
TG: and we will never speak of it again
GG: i know you like red but sometimes i wonder if its really your color.
GG: a little matchymatchy but the whole rust shading thing there is a nice twist!
TG: what part of never speaking of this again
GG: the battlefield, 93n, 23w.
TG: thanks
GG: dont you think the shirt is a little preppy though??
--turntechGodhead has disconnected--
"Battlefield, 93 north, 23 west," Dave reported, "and I hope to hell Harley gets distracted by a frog."
The other Dave grimaced. "Sorry, man," he said. "If it helps? This shit is never happening again."
He disappeared, with an unusual flash, and Dave would've prayed he was right if he believed there was anything out there he'd want to listen.
--
John blinked. "So let me get this straight," he said. "I can wish for anything?"
"Anything at all," said the small pale catbunnyjohndidn'tknowwhat thing, cheerily. Its round, red eyes blinked innocently.
"And in return, I fight evil to protect things?"
"Terrible witches," said the creature. "They do really bad things!"
"But I'm already doing that," said John.
"Then just keep working at it!" the creature chirped. "If you make a contract with me, you'll have even more power to fight witches, to fight all the bad things here! And confidentially," it said, dropping its voice, "I've seen that big bad wolf of yours, and I think you need all the help you can get!"
"Well..." said John. "Okay!"
"Oh no you fucking don't."
John's head jerked up. "Oh god, was I about to do something stupid a... holy crap, what are you wearing??"
"Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch, you should've seen the getup it woulda put YOU in," Dave snapped, and grabbed at the creature. It flipped out of the way, landing neatly on another black square.
"Huh?" said John.
"Blue cape, flowy little skirt, nerdiest fuckin' suspenders you've seen in your life," Dave enumerated.
"Wait, what??"
"Oh, are boy outfits different from girl outfits?" the creature asked, innocently. "I'm used to working with girls, so I never really paid attention to how boys dress!"
"Oh, shut the fuck up, Incubator," Dave snapped, executing a flip of his own; the creature dodged, but Dave was there to meet him this time, wrapping a fist around its slender neck. "Look, Egbert, here's the deal: we are in enough motherfucking trouble already. You listen to this little fuzzy douchebag, you know what happens after we get out of this trouble? MORE FUCKING TROUBLE. And it is bad. So mind your own business, ignore the fluffy con artist, and READ THE FINE PRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN, or I swear to Christ you will find out what it is like wearing these high heels. In your ass, Egbert." Dave punctuated the last by shaking the creature at him; it had gone disturbingly still.
John paled. "Uh. I. If you're sure?"
"Sure as fucking death, Egbert."
"I. Well. Okay," said John.
"Good," said Dave, and stomped away, disappearing in a flash of fire.
"Are you sure you want to listen to him?" said the creature; John jerked, certain he'd seen Dave carry its dead body away. "He seems kind of unstable to me."
"Uh, yeah," said John, "I really make a point of listening to Dave when he flips out like that. Even if he's wearing a skirt. Usually it saves my life."
"Well, if you're sure," it said. "You can always change your mind."
"Uh... I'm, gonna keep trying to find my father now," said John.
"I could help you with that," said the creature.
"Yeah, uh, no thanks. Nice to meet you and everything." John hurried away.
Kyubey watched him leave, red eyes never blinking, as it calculated its next move.
--
Dave had just cleared out the last imp from the area when there was another flash. Turning around, he saw a suit-vest and tie, and groaned.
"Oh, shut up," said the other Dave.
"But dude, I was like this far from repressing it. This far!"
"Don't worry, you're in for plenty of practice," the other Dave snapped. "Just ask Jade where the hell Rose is, would you?"
Dave shook his head, remembering that there was a very good reason to make these interactions as short as possible.
TG: yo jade
GG: hi!
TG: where is lalonde doing her secret creepy witchcraft shit again
GG: i dont think its creepy!!
GG: shes doing her best just like we all are. :(:(
TG: yeah whatever but where
GG: she hasnt been answering me :(
TG: yeah but you got your witch stuff right
TG: where is she all cloistered up
TG: is there such a thing as a lovecraftian nun
TG: well there is now
TG: sister lalonde of the order of eldritch grimdark
GG: oh, is this that weird shenanigan stuff again??
TG: look i just want to know
GG: oh, i didnt notice he has a bow back there!! :D:D
TG: what the fuck
GG: its neat!!
GG: i always liked sailormoon :D:D
TG: just
TG: could you ignore my eternal shame for just a moment
TG: and just tell me where lalonde is
TG: before she meets a fate thats got to be worse than death
TG: or else fuck if id show up in that bullshit getup jegus
GG: okay, okay!!
GG: shes on her planet. a cave, 22n 110w.
TG: thank you
GG: you know there isnt any shame in subverting gender norms right??
--turntechGodhead has disconnected--
"Her place, 22 north, 110 west," Dave reported. "And this better be worth it."
The other Dave just shook his head. "Trust me, kid," he said, as if he weren't only a few months older than Dave, "you do not want to know what you're missing."
He turned away, and Dave let him go without another word, remembering again the bedrock principle the time-travel protocol were based on.
I'm taking care of this. And you do NOT want to understand.
--
"Well," said Rose, "I must admit that I am always in the market for magic. Knowledge, even more so. I must admit the idea of being able to perform my own investigations into the situation holds some appeal."
"Oh, you wouldn't even believe it, Rose," said Kyubey, its tail swishing. "You're a pawn on so many chessboards. And did you think that magic was truly granted you simply for your own use?"
"There had been mentions," Rose admitted, "of a price. Perhaps a Plan. Perhaps multiple plans."
"And if you don't look outside the system, how will you be able to stop them from using you? How will you even know whom you're being played by?"
Rose raised an eyebrow. "I'm afraid I've already made allies outside the system, but..."
"Are you really so sure?"
Rose blinked.
"A wish," said Kyubey. "Any wish. Whatever you choose!"
"A wish that somehow you will manage to interpret as the opposite of what I intended?" Rose queried.
Kyubey shook its head. "I don't trick people like that," it said. "I don't misinterpret wishes. I do exactly what I'm asked; I'm bound by the contract to. If people run into trouble, it's because they haven't really asked for what they want."
"Oh?" said Rose.
"For instance, once there was a girl who wanted her father to come home from the war," said Kyubey. "I kept my promise, and he returned. But he returned bitter and angry. He would not speak to anyone; he drank and got violent; eventually they had to leave him. The girl was angry at me because I hadn't made her family happy and whole again. But that wasn't what she wished for, was it? She wished for her father to come home, and just assumed that everything would follow from that just as she imagined. I don't seek out ways to trick people. But humans really do assume a lot!"
Rose nodded, slowly. "So what exactly do you get from this contract?"
"You'll have to fight witches," Kyubey said.
"Those being?"
"Oh, they don't exist here. This is a pocket universe. But once you go home again, or once you create a new one... well, they tend to show up wherever lots of people are gathered. They are evil creatures who feed on despair. They kill tens, hundreds of people if nobody stops them! But you wouldn't have to worry about that yet. How could you, when there aren't any here to fight? You could use the magic I give you however you want, however you need to get out of this trouble, and I'd trust you to keep your word when you make it back to your world."
"And if I don't?"
"Keep your word, or make it back?"
Rose shrugged.
"I think you will," said Kyubey. "I believe in it!"
Rose stared at the creature; it stared back, red eyes wide and innocent.
"...So," Rose said. "What sort of contract is this?"
"The kind where Brer Spacerabbit here fucks you over because you're just that goddamn eager to make out with any evil magic thing that promises you the power to blow up the moon."
Rose looked up, a witty retort on her lips that died as she took in Dave's outfit. "Strider, what in God's name are you wearing?"
"Like God had a thing to do with it," Dave muttered.
"Really," said Kyubey, "you're being terribly rude. I'm not a rabbit."
"Alien space freak, yeah, soooo much better. You know there's like a million of it too? Kill one and the next one saunters up. Doesn't even break its train of thought." Dave lunged for the creature; more accustomed to his tricks, it jumped out of the way, landing neatly on Rose's head.
"Does he always overreact like this?" Kyubey queried.
"Overreact?" said Rose.
"My ass," snapped Dave. "You know goddamn well what you're doing. Buy now pay later, you're like a goddamn telemarketer except you don't even have the decency to be selling a Slap Chop. Least all they sell you is worthless pieces of shit. Out some money and some dignity but you can always give it to some relative you don't like."
"I didn't lie," said Kyubey.
"No. You never have to."
"Listen," said Kyubey, "I know this is a friend of yours, but this is your decision and no one else's! You're the only one who can decide whether you want to make a contract or not. You can ask me anything you want, wish for anything you want. It's all up to you."
"Yes," Rose said, "it is."
She plucked Kyubey off of her head, tossing it to Dave, who caught it before it could react.
"I'm busy," she said. "But I thank you for the offer."
"You shouldn't," snapped Dave.
"She's probably just trying to butter you up, you know," said Kyubey, looking up at Dave. "She's got schemes of her own, and I have to say she is one of the most rational people I've ever met. Are you sure she's not just trying to make you think she owes you one?"
Dave smirked. "Doesn't matter," he said. "She's never gonna see me again."
He vanished; Rose stared at the space he had left, entertaining vague notions that she might possibly have dreamed it.
"Suit yourself," said Kyubey; she turned, to see the creature sitting placidly beside her Magic Cue Ball. "I won't insult your intelligence by persisting."
"Thank you," said Rose.
"But you know-- I don't know how he knew it, but that boy was right about one thing," said Kyubey.
"That being?"
"I don't lie," it said. "Enjoy your game. I'd look out for the next move."
Kyubey walked away. Rose stared after it, uneasily, before being distracted again by her work.
--
Dave was checking out his gristventory, trying to figure out if he was being leeched or if he just had less amber than he thought, when another flash made him very glad he was wearing shades. "Oh come the fuck ON!"
"Dude, I don't like this any more than you do," the other Dave snapped, tugging at his skirt. "Just tell me where the fuck Jade is and you're never gonna see me again, okay??"
"Fine, fine," Dave muttered, bringing up a Pesterchum window as quickly as possible.
TG: yo jade
TG: jade
GG: hi!!
TG: what took you so long
GG: it was like thirty seconds!!
TG: 44
GG: you are not the boss of me!! :P
GG: i have things to do too!!
TG: where you at
GG: why, are you actually going to visit this time?
TG: sorta
TG: really
TG: just need coordinates
GG: oh, is this those shenanigans again??
GG: cool, i have something really cute to show you!! :D:D
TG: maybe magical girl pretty dave will like that shit
GG: actually thats kinda appropriate!!
GG: it is a cute cat bunny thing and it wants to give me powers :D:D
TG: the fuck
Dave looked up. "Is all this shit over some magical cat-bunny?!"
"You know what? Yeah," said the other Dave. "Fucking catbunny is more fucked up than you can ever imagine. Yeah, yeah, even you, even now. So tell me where the christ she's at before it makes her do something stupid!!"
"Sailor Jade's that bad an idea? Not that, oh holy shit," Dave said, wincing as he envisioned it.
"Worse," said the other Dave. "In the middle of fucking Sburb, and you still think magic comes easy??"
GG: it would be kinda cool and maybe helpful :D
TG: just tell me where you are okay
TG: sailor dave here is all up in my grill all right
TG: tell me where you are and you can compliment his costume all you want
GG: my planet, 44n, -51w
TG: k thanks
GG: do you think id make a good magical girl??
--turntechGodhead has disconnected--
"44 North, 51 East," said Dave.
"Gotcha." The other Dave turned, then paused. "Thing is a manipulative bastard from outer space. It'll promise you shit. Don't listen. Okay?"
Dave looked at the other Dave's skirt, pointedly. "Bro. Don't have to tell me twice. Hell, I dunno why you had to tell me once."
The other Dave rolled his eyes. "Yeah. You tell me we're not the type to sell everything for a second chance."
Dave knew he couldn't, wouldn't bother lying to himself so transparently. The other Dave vanished; and Dave set out to kill the shit out of some Giclopes.
--
"Look, this is really nice and all," said Jade, "but magic is more Rose's thing! Shouldn't you ask her?"
"I have," said Kyubey, "but you have potential too! More than I think you know, really."
Jade giggled. "I know I'm just getting used to the witch thing-- and see, that's another thing! You want me to fight Witches, but I am a witch!"
"Well, not the way I mean witches," said Kyubey. "In this game, that's just a title! But in the real world, witches are terrible things. They feed on anger and despair... they make people do terrible things, even kill them!"
"That really happens in the real world?" Jade said, doubtful. "How come no one knows about it?"
"How many things do you know that no one else on your world knew about, could ever believe?"
Jade considered that. "Okay, I guess it's possible... but why me?"
"Young girls have a special potential, like nothing else in the world!" said Kyubey. "We know the laws of magic, but we could never do the kinds of things with it that you could. You could fly, you could fight evil-- you could save so many people, all your friends!"
"But we already have powers," said Jade. "It's nice of you, but I think we've got this handled!"
Kyubey shook its head. "I hate to tell you this..." it said. "But to the people who make the rules here, your whole universe is just one run out of hundreds, or thousands, or millions. And this run? This run was doomed from the start."
Jade laughed. "Oh, I don't believe that!! What would be the point of all the letters and visions and things then??"
"To set things up for the next run," said Kyubey. "A run that will give them something they want. You might even survive to see that run... but it won't be this one, and it won't be the same. No one you know will be the same."
Kyubey's tail flipped. "But if you had magic," it said, "a magic that didn't come from them, that they couldn't account for or control, then what they planned wouldn't matter! You could succeed on this run, and everything could go back to normal."
Jade bit her lip.
"Your friend Rose," Kyubey persisted. "She has a plan, doesn't she?"
"Well, yes..."
"And doesn't it involve restarting the whole universe? Giving all of this up, and switching to another run?"
"But we'll be okay," Jade said, unconvinced. "We'll just go to that, that universe, and go from there!"
"Are you sure you'll all survive that long?"
Jade had no answer.
"Make a contract with me," said Kyubey, "and you can fix all of it with a wish. And all you'll have to do is, once you're back in the real world-- and if you don't return there, I get nothing!-- once you're back home, all you have to do is fight evil. And tell me, Jade Harley. Would you really be content just sitting by? After all this, would you really be content with a 'normal' life?"
Jade hesitated, then opened her mouth.
"Could you please just give it a goddamn rest?"
"Hi Dave!" Jade chirped, waving. "Nice boots!"
"Oh Jesus, don't remind me. Look, you fuzzy little bitch," said Dave, stomping up to the Incubator. "Just stop it. She's not gonna listen to you."
"Then why are you here?" it asked reasonably.
"She's not gonna listen to you now I'm here."
"You are presumptuous, aren't you?"
"Goddamn insufferable," said Dave.
"But he wouldn't come all this way for no reason," said Jade. "Especially not in that."
Dave shot her a glare.
"But I'm not lying," said Kyubey. "Can you tell her that I am?"
"No," said Dave. "I can tell her that first you got to John. And when that failed, you tried Rose. And when I stopped that, you came here. And I can tell her I know what happens if anyone goes through with this. Sure, you get us out of this mess. But what happens when we get home?"
Jade glanced at Dave. "It's really important that we all get home safe, though..."
"Home would never be safe again," said Dave. "Not ever."
Jade frowned. "What could really be that bad?"
"And aren't you willing to sacrifice a little if it means that--"
Jade took out her gun, aimed, and shot the Incubator in the forehead. "We were talking," she said, annoyed.
Dave whistled. "Nice shot, Harley," he said, kneeling down to pick the creature up.
"What are you taking it for?"
"Spite," he answered, straightening.
"Dave..." Jade frowned. "It doesn't really matter that much, because I know you wouldn't go to all this trouble if it wasn't REALLY worth it... especially..."
"Yes, I know about the goddamn skirt," Dave snapped.
"But really..." said Jade. "If it really would get us all out of here safe, is it really that terrible?"
"Yes," said Dave, and turned away.
"...Would it have killed me?"
"...Worse," said Dave. "Anyway... good luck. And don't listen to what goddamn fuzzy space douchebags tell you!!"
"Killing it might have been a little much, though..." said Jade, looking away.
"Oh, don't worry," said Dave. "You didn't."
"But--!" Dave disappeared, and she sighed, suspecting that she was never going to see this particular Dave again. "Dave Strider... you have got a lot to learn."
She walked away, resuming her search for frogs. The Incubator hiding in the shadows didn't follow.
--
Kyubey stepped delicately over the metal gears of Dave's home planet; even if they weren't as red-hot as metal floating in magma ought to be, it could still quite easily sting its delicate paws.
"You're being very stubborn, you know," it said.
Dave pulled back his broken sword from over the flames, examining the Kyubey-corpse on the end of it, mostly for show. "Pretty much that or get my ass killed, space bunny. You got any idea what the fuck you've pranced your fuzzy ass into?"
Kyubey chuckled. "Oh, considerably better than you do, Knight. In fact, I could tell you just what you've actually been bred into."
"For a price?"
"Such a small price, given what you've already had to sacrifice. You really might even be able to get out of it this time, if you choose well."
Dave shook his head. "You already got one of my futures. You're not getting any more."
"Suit yourself," said Kyubey. "We didn't really expect much from this mission, anyway."
Dave raised an eyebrow.
"We're still exploring the possibilities of cross-dimensional travel," said Kyubey. "To be honest, the possibilities of one branching universe are still almost too much for us to properly explore."
"You're not even from this universe?"
"A couple over," said Kyubey, cheerfully. "Would you like to know why we started here?"
Dave shrugged.
"Because, while it is unusually rich in temporal branches, it is a very small universe," it said. "Nearly unpopulated. The closest link to a long chain of universes, and one incredibly rich in emotional energy."
It tilted its head. "But also a chain that's already claimed," it said. "And if you think I am a terrible enemy... If you think I demand too much from you... well." It shook its head, regretfully. "You have no idea what you're really up against."
Dave pulled the toasted Kyubey out of the fire, watching the creature's reaction. It stared at him, unblinking.
He threw the meat to the nearest imp, who ate it in two bites.
"Such a dreadful waste," Kyubey reproved. "You're doing absolutely nothing for the flow of entropy, young man."
"Oh, stop breaking my heart," Dave said, deadpan.
"Well," it said. "Given the state of your universe... I guess I can't blame you if it's the least of your concerns."
Kyubey turned around, with a flip of its tail, beginning to walk away-- and turned, with what almost looked, what almost sounded, like actual pity. "Farewell," it said, and disappeared.
"Fucking finally," Dave muttered, and stood up. This universe might be total bullshit, and likely to go downhill fast, but-- it was his.
He might be fucking tired, but he wasn't gonna give up yet.
--
"Done?" said Aradia.
Dave glanced at her; she had a red and black thing going on, except her red was brighter, she was wearing a proper dress (longer than his, he noticed, and wanted to kill Kyubey all over again), and she had what he was pretty sure had to be a black tailcoat over it all. Figured, really; game probably shoehorned the same sort of people into the same sort of roles. If it didn't breed 'em for the roles to begin with.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he asked.
Aradia grimaced. "You have a point," she said. "Dangle a chance at power in front of most of my cohorts and they leap at it like a slavering imp. Plus-- more of them. And that little fuzzy jerk had them fighting each other. You, you just don't even want to know."
Dave shook his head. "So. Don't think we're dead yet. Or 'witches', either. The fuck do we do now?"
"Well," said Aradia, "I've been thinking, and I've come up with three options."
"Lay it on me, troll lady."
"One--" Aradia raised a finger. "We keep watching out for the alpha timeline. I don't like this one as much, because we're obviously different, and-- well, I don't know what to look for; you probably know too much. I just don't think it'll work."
"Actually," said Dave, "you know the worst part? I don't know if we would've won this round without his dumbass magic shit. I don't think I could help out at all."
Aradia blinked. "How incredibly ironic."
"Just how I roll," Dave muttered.
"Two--" Aradia raised another finger. "We follow the lead of all the other superfluous us'es and explore the dream-bubbles for a while. I guess there's more than enough room for all of us, but..."
"What's option three?" said Dave.
Aradia grinned, reminding Dave that even the 'nicer' trolls had fangs. "Option three," she said, pulling a Kyubey from behind her back, "is tracing these little abominations back to where they come from-- just to make sure they decide that playing with other people's universes isn't worth it."
Dave grinned back. "You know," he said, "this sounds like the beginning of a beautiful... whatever the fuck you people call it."
"Moirailship?" she suggested. "Kismesis?" She waved the Kyubey a bit.
"Whatever," he said. "Let's roll."
"You wouldn't rather try to magic up some pants first?"
"..."
Aradia furrowed her eyebrows. "Don't tell me that hadn't occurred to you?"
"...Never speak of this again."
Aradia just grinned. "Hey, fine by me. Ready to go kick some butt?"
Dave let out an annoyed breath, magicing himself a pair of red dress slacks. No, bitch never lies. Just never tells you what you really need to know...
But whatever happens to them now, it can't be worse. "Let's see just how many of these fuckers there are to kill."
--