Archive of Our Own ^beta

Rachel: You left so suddenly and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong

Rachel: I know you said it was over and that you needed a change

Rachel: But what should I have done differently?

Patrick: I told you, you did nothing wrong

Patrick: I just need to figure myself out, okay?

Patrick: Please understand that I just had to escape

Rachel: I'm trying to

Rachel: Went by the shelter again today

Rachel: The dog we saw last time got adopted!

Rachel: I heard his new family has two other dogs so he has siblings

Rachel: He’s really happy and loved

Rachel: Driving down to NYC with some friends, remember Sarah? She got us some tickets to a show

Rachel: I keep hoping that I’d bump into you whenever we stop somewhere

Rachel: I’d like to think I’d be able to find you eventually

Rachel: Hope you’re doing well, wherever you are

Rachel: I miss you

Rachel: Where are you? Have you seen the news?

Rachel: Patrick, please PLEASE answer your phone

David: alright i’ve had this phone for two whole days

David: i tried not to scroll too far up out of respect for this poor girl

David: i sincerely hope the owner of this phone is safe

David: judging by the lack of response on your end

David: either she's with you or she managed to go elsewhere

David: if she’s with you though

David: i hope she realizes she deserves better

       Delivered

David: well shit that actually got sent out huh

David: i’m astonished mobile data still works

David: it’s a good thing you’re probably never gonna read this then

David: youtube sure is helpful during a zombie apocalypse

David: who knew all those mock zombie survival videos done for fun would actually be of use

David: ....ended up watching cat videos

David: i don’t even like cats

David: oddly documenting my thoughts here seem to be a lot more helpful than writing in the notes app

David: less lonely

David: actually still pretty fucking pathetic but whatever

David: not the first time that i’ve talked to myself in a text to someone else

David: though the likelihood of you actively ghosting me is less likely

David: but judging by how you weren’t responding to the girl this phone belongs to, you’re probably a pro at that

David: fuck

David: i think there’s a gaggle of them coming, i can hear them outside

David: this place was nice but g2g

David: saw one of my “friends" out there, still in her Burberry coat

David: what a way to go, the bottom half of your face dripping down a 2k trench coat

David: reminds me, i think we got it together last year? matching coat squad goals my ass

David: the blood mixed with the taupe is ugly as all hell

David: put it in the MoMA and watch people fawn over blood on cloth

David: maybe then she can pay me back the 20 grand i spent on her stupid garbage art installation

David: i kinda want to take the bat i found on the lawn and go back to smash her head in

David: the idea of it sounds more appealing than actually doing it

David: i’ll just pretend i did it

                                        Delivered

David: the only thing keeping me from getting mutilated is that i’m wearing timberlands i managed to jack from famous footwear

David: me, stealing shoes. what has this world come to

David: i’m not gonna get caught dead wearing old navy mixed with timberlands, not even in this hellscape

David: lest i get mistaken for some try hard hick douche omfg imagine

David: those b-movies that have zombies roaming around empty shopping malls are unrealistic

David: but i’m no less creeped the fuck out. it’s noon ffs why is it so creepy in here

David: saw a pretzel stand. shame the pretzels were all covered in mold. what i wouldn’t give to have a mall pretzel right now

David: emotional support mall pretzel

David: is my incorrectly massive mountaineering backpack full of stuff needed for survival? unfortunately yes

David: does that include as many packs of SK-II eye masks as i can physically stuff inside the small compartments?

David: oh hell yeah

David: i can’t believe i actually got a craving for pizza when i walked past sbarro

David: i don’t recognize myself anymore

David: i draw the line at mall pretzels. i won’t do mall pizza

David: artisanal is where it’s at

David: though if i had a slice in front of me i might lose the fight

David: okay i’d definitely lose the fight

David: my standards left me the minute i had to start eating baked beans and canned foods

            Delivered

David: lucky me. people were in such a rush to escape that several houses are unlocked

David: so much for these expensive home security systems, can’t defend against zombies lol

David: i have a whole block of houses to choose from

David: the minimalist one at the far end of the street would’ve been my go-to had times been different

David: hmm homey in a very suburban way but i’m not complaining

David: thank god this family bought in bulk

David: i can’t believe i’m appreciative of Costco

David: inhaled a bag of cheese puffs in the least attractive way possible

David: my trainer would be so upset with me if he knew

David: too bad he’s not here to stop me with his big, muscular arms

David: they have a fucking WINE FRIDGE

David: if any zombies smell me and eat me, at least i’ll die passed out drunk and won’t feel a thing

David: wish me luck lol

                                              Read, 11:42 PM

David: u kno what i really wish i could just walk outside and scream

David: be the center of attention one last time

David: give those zombie fucks a fucking snack

David: tho i’m more of a feast lbr hahahahaha

David: i’m really gonna die out all alone here aren’t i

David: mmmmmmmm i can’t re ad the screen it’s so bLurry????? it’s on dark mode yet i can’t see shit?????

David: is this house LEaking why is my face so wet did i pick a shitty house

Patrick: I don’t think the undead would enjoy wine-infused human

Patrick: …You’re not actually drunk enough to walk outside and deliver yourself to them, are you?

David: well fuck me sideways

Patrick: Hello to you too

Patrick: Relieved to know you didn’t actually drunkenly give yourself over to a horde

David: are you Patrick?

Patrick: Last I checked this is my phone

Patrick: Were you expecting someone else?

David: sure wish i was talking to satan right now!!!

David: to tell him i arrived in hell by death of embarrassment

David: also fyi offering myself to zombies wouldn’t be the stupidest thing i’ve done drunk

Patrick: I feel like I’ll regret asking what possibly could be more stupid than that

David: wouldn’t you like to know

David: so did i annoy you enough for you to finally pick up your phone and respond to me or

Patrick: Well no. I had my phone off because I was out on a week long scouting mission

Patrick: Though I really wasn’t prepared for the way my phone started buzzing nonstop when I turned it back on

David: you only read my drunk texts right

Patrick: Oh no I scrolled all the way back to the first message you sent me

Patrick: I see I’ve made a good first impression

David: fuck.

Patrick: Don’t know how far up you’ve read

Patrick: But I suppose I deserved some of that hostility

Patrick: Your messages were very entertaining though

Patrick: My friends said it made their evening when I read it to them

David: oh you deserved all of my hostility alright

Patrick: I’m kidding about the showing my friends part, actually

Patrick: Wouldn’t do that to you

David: sure you wouldn't

Patrick: Though Ronnie did tell me to put my vibrator away

Patrick: There was so much buzzing

David: oh my god

Patrick: Where are you?

David: this reminds me of the old a/s/l omegle days

Patrick: I didn’t go on omegle

Patrick: Considering the situation right now I think I’m asking a valid question though?

David: you didn’t play around omegle? what sort of organism are you??

David: i’m somewhere in the suburbs of Rochester, if you really want to know

Patrick: I was busy with varsity baseball and guitar lessons

Patrick: Rochester, New York? So you’re near Toronto

David: oh he's a cultured jock

David: does it matter where i am?

Patrick: It kind of does actually. You’re a bit of a distance away from Schitt’s Creek, but it’s manageable

Patrick: Our town is safe, one of the few towns that hasn't gotten infested or wrecked

David: wait Schitt’s Creek? why does that sound familiar

Patrick: “Up shit’s creek” and all that. Unique name

David: …i think my dad bought that town for me as a joke a while back

Patrick: What

Patrick: Okay, sure. It’s a locked town now so I don’t know if you still have ownership over it

Patrick: Anyway, you need to come to us

David: you don’t have to believe me lol i don’t want to believe it myself

David: and thanks, but no thanks

David: not sure if you’re aware mr macho, i’m not well versed in fighting zombies

David: i scream in agony when i do tabata ropes

David: that’s the state of my physical prowess if you’re wondering

Patrick: You managed to stay alive this long haven’t you? It’s been what, five weeks since the outbreak, and you’re not dead

David: hiding in unlocked houses in the suburb that i got abandoned at doesn’t exactly make me a survival expert

Patrick: Survival isn’t about facing the undead head-on. It’s about being strategic and smart, which you are

Patrick: If it’s any consolation, you just need to get within reasonable driving proximity of us

David: driving proximity

David: what are you gonna do

David: come rescue me like some prince charming on a dirt bike with a machete once i do?

Patrick: If I do that would you be willing to make your way up?

David: nice try, but nah

David: i managed for a month moving from house to house

David: and if this neighborhood gets infested i’ll just go to the next one

Patrick: But that’s no way to live and you know it

Patrick: I’ll talk you through the whole trip, okay?

Patrick: I’ll be here to keep you company, anything you need

David: i’m checking google maps and there are LARGE swaths of land where there aren’t any residential areas

David: i hated camping before all this shit so i’m certainly not going to sleep in the fucking woods now where i might get eaten

Patrick: I know it’s hard to ask this of you since we just met

Patrick: Could you trust me? I won’t let anything bad happen to you

David: why are you so determined to help a stranger anyway

David: it’s not like my survival is that important

Patrick: If it were up to me, I’d drive down to Rochester and pick you up myself

Patrick: If I had any say in the matter I wouldn’t allow anyone else to die alone

Patrick: Are you still there?

Patrick: Don’t tell me you got attacked while I was typing. That would be so ironic

David: wouldn’t that be convenient

David: so you’ll talk me through the whole way?

Patrick: Yes

David: i’m not sure you’re aware of what you’re signing yourself up for

Patrick: I volunteered to be on to the scouting and rescue team the second our mayor asked

Patrick: You’re not as remotely as challenging, believe me

David: you’re either very sure of yourself or you’re an adrenaline junkie

David: or you just have a weird hero complex

Patrick: Maybe I do have a hero complex 💪🏻

David: not sure if i vibe with this toxic masculine energy

Patrick: You’ll live

Patrick: It’s getting late. Do you want to start tomorrow?

David: tomorrow?? keeping with that up and ‘em attitude huh

Patrick: The weather seems good for the next couple of days

Patrick: Plus the sooner you start the sooner you can get here

David: i refuse to do any physical activity before 10 am

David: zombie apocalypse or not

David: so good luck preaching the whole early bird catches the worm thing to me

Patrick: After 10 is fine

Patrick: I’ll route your path tonight so you’ll only have to walk for two or so hours to start

David: oh. okay

David: thanks, Patrick

Patrick: I never got your name, by the way

David: David

Patrick: Well, you’re welcome, David

Patrick: Get some sleep

Patrick: Got a big day ahead of us tomorrow

David: bless whatever higher power that’s keeping electricity running

David: also bless this family for having an espresso machine

Patrick: All ready to go?

David: mmm not quite

David: i wish i could take all these things with me

Patrick: Very chic of you to carry an espresso machine with you

Patrick: Great survival tool, you can over-caffeinate the undead

Patrick: Or bludgeon them over the head with it. That might actually work

David: listen you don’t know my life or my priorities

Patrick: I won’t be leading you straight into the wilderness... Yet

Patrick: I’ll make sure you’ll find another house that has amenities soon

David: oh how comforting that you’re eventually going to ask me to spend the night outside

David: vulnerable and alone

Patrick: Yes I aim to throw you right into the bloody jowls of the undead

David: i can't wait

Patrick: I don’t want to rush you David

Patrick: But you should get going

David: alright alright fine let me pack up

David: i’ve got on spf +80 and a full stomach

David: where to?

Patrick: Follow this

Patrick: If you spot a horde, let me know so I can document their direction

Patrick: I’ll give you an alternative route if needed though I think you shouldn’t have much of a problem

David: thanks

David: i’ll update you in a few then, gotta focus

David: you went with the scenic route

David: very nice view

Patrick: Of course

Patrick: I don’t want your first day to be grotesque sights

David: oh is there a horror movie route

Patrick: Anything is a horror movie route if you really think about it

Patrick: You never know what you might come across

Patrick: Ghosts, serial killers, Jigsaw on his tricycle, Chucky

Patrick: Oh here’s a good one: the undead

David: okay you’re not helping

Patrick: Don’t let the nice view distract you from the possible lurking of what could be behind the bushes

Patrick: Would hate to find out you were attacked while you were taking in the greenery

David: is it going to be a theme where you lull me into a false sense of security

David: then proceed to scare the shit out of me?

Patrick: I’m just messing with you David

Patrick: You’re safe

David: yeah i’ll be the judge of that

Patrick: Hey do you want to take a break?

David: no? i can keep going

David: walking for an hour and a half with a massive backpack isn’t favorable but i can manage

Patrick: I wouldn’t doubt you

Patrick: It’s just that something came up and I might not be able to check my phone

David: i’ll be fine

David: go be a hero or whatever

Patrick: I’ll try to be quick

David: i’ll still be here, walking

David: i don’t think i’ve ever spent three hours just walking and not stopping periodically to buy things

David: hit my limit

David: found a nice picnic table in a park. it’s chex mix time

David: hmm it’s getting a bit chilly

David: anyway i’m gonna keep going

Patrick: Back

Patrick: Do you have a coat?

David: i wear sweaters on the reg

David: but yes, i nabbed one of those puffy waterproof ones from the camping store

David: wished i could’ve found something more complimentary to my frame though

Patrick: Don’t know about you but I’d rather be warm than fashionable

David: your profile pic is too small for me to tell if you look fashionable or not

David: but you seem like the type to pick functional clothes

Patrick: Is functional a synonym to ugly in your dictionary

David: let’s just say functional and fashion don’t exactly go hand in hand

Patrick: Speaking of my tiny profile picture

Patrick: Where exactly did you find the phone?

David: it was under the messy covers of an airbnb

David: thank god i kept my charger and it’s the same model as mine

Patrick: Rachel wasn’t lying when she said her friends move fast

David: is she in Schitt’s Creek?

Patrick: No, she and her friends actually drove to Ohio the minute news broke

Patrick: Apparently a friend of a friend knows someone who is a part of a doomsday theorist group and prepared for this sort of event?

David: ah

David: i’m glad she’s safe

Patrick: Yeah me too

Patrick: You’re doing alright I hope?

Patrick: I’m a little worried since you haven’t said anything in hours

David: i figured since you gave me a six hour trip i should just finish it

David: then we can text all we want

Patrick: Hm good idea

David: i arrived at the checkpoint!

David: bad news though: people here have everything locked

David: shit

Patrick: Any open windows? Backdoors?

David: none that i could find

David: i might need to hop a fence which i’m not excited about

Patrick: Be careful

Patrick: Did you get in somewhere?

Patrick: David?

David: fuck

David: yeah i did

David: i uh

David: got the sleeve of my hoodie caught

David: was gonna cut myself out but i tossed my backpack a bit too far from me

Patrick: Are you okay? You didn’t get scraped or cut by anything?

David: no i’m fine

David: rip hoodie... i tore the entire sleeve

David: thankfully i got another one

David: ugh the back porch door is locked too

David: but they have a treehouse in the backyard so i’ll stay in there for now i guess

Patrick: Damn it

Patrick: I was hoping to give you a day to rest but that doesn’t seem wise with you exposed

David: i tried looking through the windows with the phone flashlight

David: i think this place doesn’t have any security systems so maybe i could break a window or something?

Patrick: Normally I’d advise that you do that

Patrick: but I’m not entirely comfortable with the noise possibly drawing attention to you

David: i haven’t passed a horde or even a single one of them on my way here

David: they don’t have that good of hearing do they?

Patrick: It’s not just the undead I’m worried about

David: wow even in times as dire as these the living are still a concern?

Patrick: Oh you’d be surprised

Patrick: The majority of people show kindness and give you faith in humanity

Patrick: But there are people out there who are just

Patrick: Anyway

Patrick: You should probably get some rest, if you can

David: oh no we’re talking

David: i didn’t walk for two hours straight without texting you to not attempt 20 questions, uninterrupted

Patrick: Haha okay

Patrick: What do you want to know?

David: you said you volunteered to do rescue and scouting missions?

David: the names are pretty self explanatory

David: did you come across bad people or

Patrick: Earlier, when I left for a bit

Patrick: I actually spotted a group coming towards SC, walked normally and kept shouting help, so not undead

Patrick: Now you’d think: Good, more survivors! We can just open our gates and let them in right?

David: yeah, of course

Patrick: We thought that at first too

Patrick: When the outbreak happened the first couple groups of people we got were healthy neighbors who escaped from the town over

Patrick: Or people who drove aimlessly until they noticed that our town was boarded up, ergo most likely safe

Patrick: The number of groups coming over was a bit overwhelming

Patrick: Me and a few others willingly volunteered but most of the town preferred to work inside

Patrick: It’s terrifying on the frontlines, so I don’t blame them

Patrick: We didn’t have enough people to check every single person thoroughly to see if they got bit or not

David: oh god this isn’t going where i think it is?

Patrick: Unfortunately, yes

Patrick: People would lie about getting bit

Patrick: So many people would lie

Patrick: They were scared, they didn’t want to die alone

Patrick: I get that. And I felt bad for them, but

Patrick: Three weeks ago, during the middle of the night a guy that snuck past us had turned

Patrick: He killed everyone in his living quarters

Patrick: Another rescuer, Twyla, had to snipe him and I had to go down to clean up the mess

Patrick: We have limited space so I had to make it habitable ASAP

David: jesus

Patrick: So earlier today I had to go and screen the group with our unit lead Ronnie

Patrick: She’s no bullshit and pretty ruthless

Patrick: Thankfully for her I was able to come back unharmed to text you

David: were they infected?

Patrick: One of them was

Patrick: They kept asking to be let in so their friend can get help, but Ronnie was insistent that if they wanted entry, they had to leave him

Patrick: They wouldn’t budge

Patrick: So she just shot the infected guy point blank and walked off

Patrick: Told them to find another town

David: holy shit????

David: what is this an episode of the walking dead????

David: she just left them?

Patrick: Later she told me they were eyeing us weird

Patrick: Clocking us to see if they could take us down and steal our weapons since we leave the premises fairly well armed

Patrick: Most safe zones around us have a strict enter and you can’t leave unless authorized rule

Patrick: So they had no intention of coming inside

Patrick: They were probably trying to loot

David: they used their friend as bait?

Patrick: Thing is, I’m not even sure the guy was their friend

Patrick: He had already gone into the dormant stage before turning so he wasn’t moving

David: i'm

David: wow

David: and despite going through all this

David: you’re still willing to help me? through text?

David: with me being hundreds of miles away?

David: how do you know if i’m not a bait person

Patrick: You’re right. I don’t know

Patrick: I guess that’s the risk I’m willing to take

Patrick: And honestly, if a loot gang would be that creative by trying to use your methods to lure me

Patrick: Well then that’s on me for falling for it

David: excuse you i recall you saying i’m very entertaining

Patrick: Did I though

Patrick: My turn to ask a question then?

David: mmm suppose that’s fair

David: and no, i won’t tell you if i’m the bait in a looting gang

Patrick: I’d be a fool to ask you such an obvious question, want you to keep your cover

David: well ask away

Patrick: Sorry uh

Patrick: Could we talk tomorrow?

Patrick: I’ll send you the route for the next trip in the morning

David: did something come up again?

Patrick: Kind of? Nothing urgent though

Patrick: The rescue crew wants to get drinks and we have a no phone policy because someone accidentally sent a nude to the food bank group chat while drunk

Patrick: There are underage kids in that chat

David: 😂😂😂

David: that’s mortifying

David: sounds like my kind of crowd tbh

Patrick: I had to watch them apologize to the parents and it was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever witnessed

David: i’m sure it was probably the most excitement the town saw in a while

Patrick: Oh it was

Patrick: I um

Patrick: I would stay in and keep texting you but they’re threatening to look through my phone

David: go

David: i should sleep anyway

David: or try to, in a treehouse with a child-sized mattress and tiny fleece blanket

David: you got me curious about your question though

David: gives me some motivation tomorrow to get to the next place so i can hear it

Patrick: I’ll talk to you later?

David: not until after 10

Patrick: I know

Patrick: Goodnight, David

David: goodnight

David: have fun lol

Patrick: SHIT

Patrick: Oh god, sorry. I overslept

Patrick: I forgot to map your route

Patrick: Give me a minute

David: hey

David: it’s alright

David: i’m feeling kinda lazy so take your time

David: sounds like someone had fun last night

Patrick: I suppose?

Patrick: I mean, as much fun as you can have when you’re mixing beer and homemade moonshine

David: sounds disgusting

Patrick: Got a bit tipsy and kissed someone

David: oh?

David: lucky lady

Patrick: It was a guy, actually

David: ah

David: lucky guy, then

Patrick: Is it normal to not feel weird after?

David: are you supposed to feel weird?

David: you’re not that kind of straight guy are you

David: a kiss is just a kiss it’s not a big deal unless you make it one

Patrick: Well it’s just that I’ve never kissed a guy before

Patrick: It answered a few questions for me

David: oh

David: you’re coming to a realization

David: scared me for a minute there

Patrick: Wait what

Patrick: Did you think I was being homophobic

David: no

David: i’ve had my fair share of straight boys kiss me then proceed to freak the fuck out so

David: i’m done with that nonsense

Patrick: Wow I'm sorry

Patrick: Don’t blame you

David: didn’t want to find out you’re like one of those people

David: i actually think you’re nice

David: and i never think people are nice

Patrick: Glad I didn’t disappoint you then

David: anyway

David: the last time i limited my caloric intake was when i was trying some bullshit “don’t eat” diet fad

David: but now i’m eating less to keep from finishing my food too fast

David: this really sucks

Patrick: You packed enough food?

David: yeah. mostly dried foods so it’s not as heavy

David: i snacked yesterday and didn’t eat dinner

Patrick: I’ll try to route you to a place that has more houses to choose from

David: it’s only my first day and i already spent a night exposed to the elements

David: in a pretty decently built treehouse that has a retractable rope ladder but still

Patrick: Gearing you up for when you have to camp later

David: ugh

Patrick: You up for continuing?

David: of course

David: like you said

David: the sooner i start walking the sooner i’ll get there

David: i’m going to sleep for days when i do

Patrick: Wouldn’t expect any less from you

Patrick: You’d deserve that rest anyway

Patrick: Here’s the new route

David: great, thanks

David: alright i left the neighborhood

Patrick: I’ll need to do some rounds later

Patrick: But I’ll have my phone on me in case you need me

David: got it

David: be careful

Patrick: I always am

Patrick: Though you’re the one who should be careful

Patrick: At least I’m armed and have people to help me

David: mmm weird flex but ok

David: um

David: Patrick

David: Patrick??

David: you told me to notify you if i come across a horde right

David: there’s one here

David: holy fuck

David: speed walking and texting should be an olympic sport

Patrick: Shit

Patrick: They didn’t notice you right?

David: if there’s anything i’m good at, it’s sneaking off

David: yeah i spotted them at a distance

Patrick: Good

Patrick: Find a place to hide

Patrick: I’ll get back to you in a sec

Patrick: Alright try to walk above my original route

Patrick: It’s longer than the planned route but judging by how the hordes move you should be clear of them

David: they have a moving pattern?

Patrick: They tend to move in a linear fashion

Patrick: A girl we rescued two weeks ago said she noticed that they tend to follow scents directly in front of them

Patrick: Though uh

Patrick: The way she found that out wasn’t pleasant

David: oh god

David: she watched people get eaten?

Patrick: Do you really want to know?

David: not really

David: but i feel like i’ll be curious later so. tell me

Patrick: I’ll spare you the details but we found her in her car that broke down

Patrick: During her time in her car she saw things that confirmed her theory

David: well that’s fucking traumatizing

Patrick: Anyway I’ll stop distracting you with horrific stories

Patrick: Keep going

David: aw but i like you distracting me

Patrick: I’m gonna stop responding to you

David: buzzkill

David: okay i walked for two hours

David: in a moderately safe place rn, gonna take a break and have a snack

David: you can distract me now

David: are you still busy with your rounds?

Patrick: No. I was just finishing up with some clean up outside the premises

David: you have to clean up outside too?

David: why

Patrick: By clean up

Patrick: I meant the undead

David: oh

David: there’s zombies around the town?

David: i thought it was safe?

Patrick: There’s always cases of people who reach the outskirts of the town that have already gotten bit

Patrick: They’d turn and then start loitering around

Patrick: It’s better to take out the single ones to prevent them forming a horde

Patrick: The town is safer that way

David: the-more-you-know.gif

Patrick: What

David: you don’t know that meme?

David: i didn’t want to waste time looking for the gif so i typed it lol

Patrick: Yeah don’t know that meme

David: i have so much i need to teach you when we meet

Patrick: Oh you’re looking forward to meeting me?

David: well yeah

David: unless you don’t wanna meet? don’t tell me you look worse than your profile pic

Patrick: You’re just gonna have to find that out for yourself

Patrick: Curious to know what you look like, honestly

David: hope you’re prepared to see how breathtakingly gorgeous i am

Patrick: I’m sure those eye masks you packed definitely upped your gorgeousness factor

David: you sure paid close attention to my past texts didn’t you

Patrick: Hard not to

Patrick: As much as I want to keep talking, you should get moving

Patrick: We had a late start today

David: aww come on

David: just a couple more minutes?

David: no?

David: ughhh fine

David: my feet’s getting super sore

David: i really hope the next place actually has a house for me

Patrick: How far along are you?

David: i think i have around another hour and a half left

David: i’m walking as fast as i can

Patrick: I'm proud of you

Patrick: Remember you haven’t heard my question for you yet

David: walking faster

Patrick: That’s the spirit

David: okay the checkpoint you gave me?

David: the houses there were open alright

David: ransacked

David: i’m going back to the neighborhood i just passed by

Patrick: David

Patrick: Go to the ransacked houses

Patrick: Find one that has the least damage

Patrick: I know it’s scary

Patrick: But because they’ve already been touched no one will bother with them

Patrick: I really rather you not risk it

David: you’re kidding right

David: no

David: i’m not fucking going in there

Patrick: David. Please.

Patrick: I need you to trust me right now

David: i can’t believe i’m gonna get murdered instead of eaten by zombies

David: what the fuck

David: sorry. i can’t take your advice

David: i can’t

David: got into a place five blocks down that looked safe

David: no one’s around

David: drew the curtains

David: locked every possible thing

David: found some canned fruit

David: gonna have one for dinner. taking the rest with me

David: you’re probably mad at me now so i’m just gonna go take a shower and pass out for a bit

                                              Read, 10:19 PM

David: the bed was so lumpy but i guess six hours of sleep is better than none

David: if you’re awake

David: i’m open for questions

David: are you really going to leave me on read just because i didn’t take your advice

Patrick: How am I supposed to help keep you safe if you don’t listen to me?

David: hey you know what, asshole? you’re not here!

David: of course you can give me advice freely and think they’re easy to follow when you know how to deal with zombies AND ill intentioned people

David: i never asked for your help

David: i was fine staying in Rochester

David: my shitty friends all got ambushed by a horde when they tried to abandon me in the middle of the night

David: so fuck if i don’t at least trust my instincts enough to know how to avoid that

Patrick: Your friends abandoned you?

David: oh so now you want to play 20 questions

David: sorry i don’t feel like it anymore

Patrick: It’s not that I don’t believe you can take care of yourself

Patrick: But you have to understand it’s scary for me here too, not being able to have visuals of your surroundings and relying on the limited information I have

Patrick: You don’t have to take my advice if you feel it’s not right in the moment

Patrick: I promise I won’t overreact next time

Patrick: I just want you to arrive as unscathed as possible, David

David: you want me to trust you? why don’t you start by trusting that i’m trying my best here

David: it’s only been two days and i’m exhausted

Patrick: I know how hard this is for you and I know you’re doing all you can

Patrick: I didn’t take your feelings into account

Patrick: For that, I’m sorry

Patrick: But now that you’ve gotten some rest

Patrick: Go to the original checkpoint

Patrick: You can finish resting up there

David: original checkpoint

David: you mean the ransacked neighborhood?

Patrick: Yes

David: what did i just tell you?

David: NO

David: it didn’t just look ransacked, Patrick

David: it felt like something was there

Patrick: Okay

Patrick: I trust your gut instinct

Patrick: Then I need you to keep going

Patrick: Leave that entire area, now

Patrick: Please David

Patrick: David.

David: fine

David: fuck

David: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Patrick: What is it?

Patrick: David?

Patrick: Talk to me what’s going on??

David: i heard the front door get hacked open

David: someone

David: someone broke in

David: i’m hiding in the attic

David: please please please don’t come up here fuckkkkk

David: aw fuck why do i have to start crying rn fuck

Patrick: Shh it’s okay you’re gonna be okay

Patrick: Usually ransackers are looking for food or useful tools and weaponry so they’d go for the kitchen and the basement

Patrick: I’m sure there isn’t anything of value to them in an attic

Patrick: You’re gonna be okay

David: i guess this is where you tell me you told me so huh

David: karma’s a bitch

Patrick: Why would I do that?

David: i didn’t listen and ta da! the very place you told me not to stay at gets broken into

Patrick: Stop it

Patrick: It’s not your fault

David: shit shit shit shit i can hear them stomping around below

David: oh god

Patrick: It’s going to be okay

Patrick: They’re not going to find you

David: god i’m shaking so hard i can’t type

Patrick: It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay

David: it’s quiet now

David: i think they went back downstairs

Patrick: That’s a relief

Patrick: Stay up there for a little longer, don’t risk it

David: i know

Patrick: Could you answer the question I asked earlier?

David: what?

David: what question??

David: now??

David: how will that make things better

Patrick: I'm trying to keep you distracted okay?

Patrick: How did you get abandoned by your friends?

David: how?

David: what do you mean how

Patrick: David focus

Patrick: They’re already gone

Patrick: Focus on the question don’t think about anything else

David: okay...

David: we were out partying the night before

David: before the outbreak happened

David: only made it to Rochester

David: since the highways were jam packed

David: they stuck with me because i paid for everything

David: which is typical

David: my sister managed to text me amongst the chaos

David: and i found out my family was broke

David: i woke up later

David: found myself alone

David: i guess i became useless to them overnight

David: found them a couple days later in a horde when i left

Patrick: They deserved what they got

Patrick: God I’m sorry this happened to you

David: it comes with the territory

David: i’m used to it

Patrick: You shouldn’t be, no one should get used to being used

David: should i leave

Patrick: Actually, don’t

Patrick: It’s safer if you just stay there

Patrick: It’s probably hard for you to sleep now but you should try and get more rest

David: unlikely i’ll sleep again after that

David: but now that you mentioned it i’m drained

David: would you stay with me until i fall asleep?

Patrick: Of course

David: were you up all night?

David: you didn’t stay up for me did you?

Patrick: Would it add bonus points for me in your book if I did?

David: debatable

David: but probably

Patrick: Wish I could lie and say I did then

Patrick: But I’m actually on my watch shift

David: wait you’re walking around on patrol and you kept texting me?

Patrick: That would’ve been unwise

Patrick: We have these makeshift watch towers so I’m actually in one

Patrick: I’m staying still

David: oh good

David: wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you were putting yourself in harms way for me

Patrick: Aww are you worried about me?

David: no

David: shut up

Patrick: I’ll be more careful for your sake

Patrick: Be careful for me too

Patrick: Did you fall asleep?

Patrick: I’m assuming you did

Patrick: Sleep tight

David: i think i’m having a heart attack

David: wait no

David: i googled and i think i have a pulmonary embolism or something?

David: fuck

David: my chest feels tight and i can’t breathe

David: i need to leave the attic i have to leave

David: i’m leaving

Patrick: What??

Patrick: Wait David wait don’t leave the house

David: i’m not i’m just leaving the attic

David: i’d prefer to not rot in an attic

Patrick: David I don’t think you’re having a heart attack

David: how do you know

David: i feel like i’m dying

David: my heart is going really fast

Patrick: You’re probably having a panic attack

Patrick: With what happened this morning it makes sense

David: what

David: panic attacks aren’t real

Patrick: Yes they are

Patrick: You were under severe stress and it could trigger it

David: okay no i don’t get panic attacks okay i don’t have a PR stunt to pull

David: what the fuck

Patrick: David I need you to breathe

Patrick: Take a deep breath

David: what part of i can’t breathe did you not understand

Patrick: Just TRY to breathe David

Patrick: Work with me here, please

David: took a deep breath

David: didn’t help

Patrick: Okay I know you didn’t actually take one

Patrick: Alright here

Patrick: Breathe along with my texts

Patrick: Do as I say. I’m trying to help you here

Patrick: Breathe in

Patrick: Are you breathing in?

David: yes!

Patrick: Good

Patrick: Now breathe out

Patrick: Breathe in again

Patrick: Just focus on my words and your breathing don’t think about anything else

Patrick: Okay breathe out

Patrick: Breathe in

Patrick: And out

Patrick: Is your heartbeat calming down?

David: a little?

Patrick: Breathe, David

Patrick: I’d advise something like a sour candy or something spicy to help but I don’t think you have that on hand

David: I have a pack of breath mints

David: Would that work

Patrick: I don’t know

Patrick: You could try?

Patrick: Keep breathing deeply though

David: i’m breathing

David: i think the mints helped slightly

Patrick: Feeling better?

David: better than i was earlier

David: thanks, Patrick

Patrick: Don’t mention it

Patrick: I had my very first panic attack not too long ago so I know what you’re going through

Patrick: It can be overwhelming

David: really?

David: you also never got it before?

Patrick: Yeah never had one prior to this incident

David: mind if i ask what it was?

David: you don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable, of course

Patrick: It’s been a while

Patrick: Wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about it but I think I can now

Patrick: Are you counting that as an official question, then?

David: oh we’re back to playing the game?

David: yeah sure, that’s my question

Patrick: I got it around three months ago before I was going to get married to Rachel

Patrick: The owner of your phone

David: oh

David: is that why you left her so abruptly?

Patrick: Sort of

Patrick: I couldn’t explain to her what was going on inside my head

Patrick: Honestly, even I couldn’t understand it myself

Patrick: I just felt so overwhelmed

Patrick: I needed to leave. Run away

David: wow this sound serious

David: i’m not the best person for advice but i can listen

Patrick: Should I be honored?

David: oh totally

David: i don’t usually lend an ear to people i just met but i suppose you’re an exception

Patrick: Thanks for offering, anyway

David: mmm don’t thank me just yet

David: anyway keep going

Patrick: We’d broken up so many times before and then got back together

Patrick: Every time I think it’ll be different because she tries to change herself for me

Patrick: But It’s not fair when I couldn’t change myself

Patrick: And god I really tried. I wanted us to work

Patrick: I don’t know how to tell her this without her thinking she’s the one causing my breakdown

David: i’ve had my fair share of people leave me by skipping town but they’re everywhere so it’s just a convenient excuse

David: for you though, it sounds extreme

Patrick: Rachel loves me, more than anything

Patrick: And I love her too, but it never felt right

Patrick: I thought maybe I was aromantic or something along that spectrum

Patrick: Because all those things people talk about being in love? I’ve never felt them

David: so maybe you are aromantic

David: did you think that Rachel wouldn’t be able to handle that?

David: If she loves you as much as you claim, then i don’t see how she’d have a problem with it

Patrick: Right

Patrick: I thought about that

Patrick: But then I realized that wasn’t it

David: oh?

Patrick: Remember that night when I went out for drinks with my crew and I ended up kissing this guy?

David: yeah

Patrick: Never kissed a guy before in my life and the difference was staggering

David: so you were into guys the whole time

David: maybe you can get yourself a boyfriend now

David: like that guy you kissed

Patrick: Jake doesn’t do exclusivity

Patrick: And I don’t feel that way towards him. No one in this town anyway

Patrick: I did thank him for answering a few questions for me

Patrick: He was very confused but just went with it haha

David: good for you for figuring it out finally

David: i’m sure that must’ve felt like a weight’s been lifted

Patrick: Oh definitely

David: have you spoken to Rachel since then?

David: told her about this revelation?

Patrick: She’s sharing a phone with her friend so I can’t text her

Patrick: I’ve been meaning to call, trying to muster up the courage to tell her

Patrick: I did call her last week before I went on my scouting trip, couldn’t do it

David: that’s okay

David: tell her when you’re fully ready

David: it’s a personal thing, coming out to a loved one, but you owe them nothing unless you’re prepared

Patrick: I’ll tell her soon

Patrick: She deserves to know, and to have closure

David: in your own time, don’t rush it

Patrick: Yeah.

Patrick: Thank you, David

Patrick: I’m going to need to fight your claim that you don’t give good advice

David: you just happened to talk about something i understand

David: ask me about anything else and you’ll get very little response

Patrick: Oh so I can’t ask you which mall pretzel is the best one?

David: Okay we’re not getting into that right now because you will NOT hear the end of it

Patrick: Maybe you can tell me all about it when you get here

David: i’d like that

David: though you’re really going to make me miss mall pretzels

Patrick: well if it’s any consolation we have Pizza Fridays at the end of each month

David: no way

David: fresh handmade pizza?

Patrick: Yep

Patrick: It’s a treat for the town to keep the morale up

Patrick: One of the artisanal pizza owners escaped from Elm Glen and lives here so we’re pretty lucky

David: well shit send me the next map right now

David: i won’t run for anything

David: but for pizza i might just speed walk

Patrick: Haha okay I didn’t draft one up yet give me a minute

Patrick: I’d opt for you to stay there until tomorrow but I think you’d want out of there

David: honestly i’m about to bolt out of here without instructions

Patrick: Then it’s going to be a shorter trip since you’re starting late today

David: that’s fine

David: every bit counts, right

David: just don’t y’know

David: send me to another ransacked neighborhood

Patrick: I’ll try my best to send you right into a big horde

David: please

David: i seek death’s merciful embrace

Patrick: Have you eaten by chance?

David: bold of you to assume i haven’t

David: i’m eating a granola bar as i’m typing

David: had some fruit prior to this

Patrick: Great

Patrick: I’m helping with the food bank later today, though my phone will be on me

Patrick: I’ll check it when I can, but you know how it is

David: wow you don’t get a day of rest huh

Patrick: We all have to pitch in somewhat

Patrick: And I tend to get a bit in my head if I’m not busy with something

David: sounds exhausting

David: IMG_202005251.jpg

David: wow they really trashed the place

Patrick: Are you sending that to frighten me or yourself

Patrick: Get out of there

David: going

David: IMG_202005259.jpg

David: making progress

David: it’s so empty out here

David: my feet still hurt from yesterday

Patrick: Are you going to make it though?

Patrick: Not going to randomly collapse are you

David: unclear if i’ll make it

David: might just dramatically crumble in the middle of the road like a damsel in distress

Patrick: Sorry damsel I can’t pick you up I’m busy with the canned foods

David: didn’t ask you to

David: though i highly doubt you could pick me up

Patrick: Is that a challenge, David?

David: i dunno

David: you want it to be?

Patrick: I’ll just throw you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes

David: you’re not going to get yourself a boyfriend with that move

Patrick: Who’s to say

Patrick: Some guy out there might like it

David: ok calm down country boy

Patrick: 🤠🥔💪

David: mmm i kinda hate you right now!!

Patrick: Then keep your eyes on the road and stop texting me

David: why don’t you stop responding

David: had to check several houses before i found one that was unlocked

David: i really wish i had Alexis’ lock picking kit

David: really wanted to get into that nice house a few blocks up

Patrick: What now?

David: my sister is a master at a bunch of illegal stuff

David: i think she dated a luxury car thief or something? taught her how to pick all sorts of locks

David: gifted her this lock picking kit that she showed off to me

David: would come in real handy right now

Patrick: I have to agree with you there

Patrick: Are you safe?

David: IMG_2020052523.jpg

David: The interior is so ugly but what choice do i have

Patrick: What a difficult time for you

David: it’s a struggle for sure

David: eating dinner on the couch now

David: how was the food bank?

Patrick: It was fine

Patrick: We do weekly shifts of rationing and inventory

Patrick: I wish we didn’t have to do inventory

Patrick: but unfortunately, people steal

David: why am i not surprised that people steal food from the food bank

Patrick: We’ve only had it happen once

Patrick: Though once is enough for a town wide upset

Patrick: So now we’re just extra vigilant about it

David: wait but what if you’re super hungry?

Patrick: We actually do account for people who have a bigger appetite since there are several members here that eat less

Patrick: But for the most part, we have to keep it strict but fair

David: yeah that’s reasonable

Patrick: When you get here though I’ll make sure you get enough to eat

Patrick: A special privilege to being my friend

David: are you accusing me of eating too much?

Patrick: Oh I would never

Patrick: Don’t want you to get hangry is all

David: okay where in my texts have i showcased i get hangry

Patrick: So you’re saying you don’t?

Patrick: I recall you complaining about having to ration your food

David: i wasn’t complaining!

David: just stating facts

Patrick: Haha alright alright you weren’t complaining

Patrick: It does suck that you can’t eat as much as you want. I get it, it’s not fun

David: i will take you up on the friendship privilege thing though

Patrick: I’m counting on it

Patrick: Let someone do something for you for once

David: that’s really kind of you

Patrick: It’s the least I can do

David: could i ask you something?

Patrick: Of course

David: what was the question you were gonna ask me that night in the treehouse?

David: i’m still curious

David: even though i know the moment is probably over

Patrick: It was nothing

Patrick: I was going to ask about your phone

David: what about my phone

Patrick: Wanted to text to your phone

David: Patrick

David: are you trying to ask for my number

Patrick: ...maybe?

Patrick: It’s weird texting my ex-fiancee's number to someone that isn’t her

David: mmhmm i get that

David: but are you asking me for my number tho?

Patrick: Okay fine I am

Patrick: David can I have your number?

David: i’d give it to you since you asked so nicely

David: but i lost it when i was running from a horde weeks ago

David: it fell out of my hoodie pocket and i couldn’t take the risk to go back and get it

Patrick: Oh no I’m sorry

David: yeah so now i’ve learned to keep it zipped up in my jacket or my pants

David: i hope you changed the name from Rachel to David

David: or it would be super awkward

Patrick: Of course I did

Patrick: I am missing a profile picture of you though

David: subtlety is not your strong suit huh

Patrick: Afraid not

David: I’m not gonna take a selfie for you

David: i’m a mess

David: i could only pack so much of my skin care products so i’m down from 9 steps to 5

David: the bags under my eyes have bags

Patrick: I don’t care about that honestly

Patrick: And I’m bound to see you when I come get you anyway

Patrick: So what’s the difference

David: maybe i want to keep you in suspense

Patrick: That wouldn’t be fair

Patrick: You have Rachel’s phone

Patrick: How do I know you haven’t already seen pictures of me

David: trust me i haven’t

David: i’ll admit curiosity did get the best of me the other day but it’s all in her cloud

David: which i can’t log into

David: also the next time you talk to Rachel

David: tell her 0987 is a bad PIN number

Patrick: You mean a bad PIN?

David: whatever you know what i mean

Patrick: I have told her not to use a PIN that is easy to guess but she insists that she doesn’t want to complicate her life

David: well i changed it

Patrick: Oops I fell asleep

Patrick: I’ve been up for 36 hours and you’re probably exhausted too

Patrick: We both need to get some rest

David: oh god you’ve been up for that long?

David: you really should sleep

Patrick: Are you okay with staying in that place for an extra day?

Patrick: It’s safe enough right?

David: yeah, it seems like it

David: you sent me to a pretty small town so i think it’ll be okay

Patrick: Well for your sake I hope you can actually take a break

Patrick: The next couple of days I might need to ask you to walk for longer periods of time

David: ugh i’m not looking forward to that

Patrick: Me neither but I want to get you as close to SC ASAP

Patrick: You probably need to try and find camping gear along the way too

David: could we talk about that when the time comes

David: i really don’t want to think about that right now

Patrick: Yeah

Patrick: We’ll talk tomorrow?

David: we can talk whenever you like

Patrick: Not before 10 of course

David: you know me

Patrick: Goodnight, David

David: goodnight, Patrick

David: so i slept for 15 hours

David: record breaking

David: first time i slept that long without being under the influence or having popped some pills

David: this family has cereal but the milk went bad

David: god i’d kill for some milk

Patrick: We have milk here

Patrick: Fresh milk

Patrick: But you have to milk the cow yourself

David: i have to what

Patrick: Yeah if you want any sort of fresh food you have to get it from the farm

Patrick: See

Patrick: IMG_2020042182.jpg

David: are you petting a cow

Patrick: Her name is Daisy she’s really sweet

David: i’m not going near that thing

Patrick: Well then you can’t have milk with your cereal

Patrick: You also have to go into the hen house to get eggs if you want fresh eggs too

Patrick: They’re not as friendly

David: what sort of demonic town are you living in

Patrick: Welcome to Schitt’s Creek

Patrick: Don’t tell me you don’t know how to hogtie a pig

Patrick: Seems like there’s a lot I will have to teach you when you get here

David: i might not know how to hogtie a pig

David: but i have tied up a full-grown man and had him suspended two feet in the air

Patrick: What?

David: i won't elaborate beyond that

David: just know a Raf Simons custom made tie was involved

David: and a Hermes Flash Sailor backpack

David: which i won btw

Patrick: I have no idea what any of those words mean

David: told you

David: you have a lot to learn

Patrick: IMG_2020052612.jpg

Patrick: Enjoy

David: i don’t care about your stupid cup of milk

David: ….are those pancakes

David: so CRUEL

Patrick: Yep

Patrick: We rationed a big batch of pancake mix yesterday, the expiration date was coming up

David: well i’ll be over here enjoying my lucky charms

Patrick: Though, if you were here

Patrick: You could be enjoying Cinnamon Toast Crunch-- with milk

David: UNFAIR

Patrick: IMG_2020052624.jpg

Patrick: Told you the hens weren’t friendly

David: holy shit is that your hand?

Patrick: It’s all worth it for fresh butter-scrambled eggs

David: i can’t believe i have to look forward to getting maimed by animals to get food

Patrick: You’re adorable

David: ew don’t call me adorable

Patrick: I was absolutely messing with you there

Patrick: Normal townsfolk aren’t allowed to handle all that

Patrick: We actually have designated people in charge of the livestock

Patrick: One upped ya city boy!

David: i’m going to block you

Patrick: You don’t have the heart

David: try me

Patrick: So. My turn to ask you a question?

David: you finally have a day off?

Patrick: Hey it’s my turn for a question

Patrick: But yes, I’m mostly going to lounge around today

David: you deserve it tbh

David: so go ahead

Patrick: You mentioned your sister, Alexis? Is she safe?

David: oh going for another personal question huh

David: yeah she’s safe

David: at least i think she is

David: her shipping heir boyfriend was about to take her on a trip from LA

David: my parents also happened to be there as well since my mom got a commercial offer or something

David: they somehow managed to get into the same underground colony place

David: the last i heard from her was from my phone

David: i tried texting her and calling my parents from this phone every other day but it goes straight to voicemail

David: it’s concerning but there’s nothing i can do about it

Patrick: I’m sure they’re fine

Patrick: If it’s an underground colony they probably don’t have cell service

Patrick: I could ask around for you about them if you want?

David: really?

David: you don’t have to go through all this trouble

Patrick: Not at all. I told you I want to help however I can

Patrick: What’s your last name? Mine’s Brewer

David: Patrick Brewer

David: i like that

David: My last name is Rose

David: my parents are Johnny and Moira

Patrick: Wait

Patrick: THE Johnny Rose?

Patrick: Your dad owns Rose Video??

David: lmao and here we go

Patrick: No it’s just that I used to work at a Rose Video back in high school

Patrick: So... I know of your parents because of those training videos they did

David: oh god those

David: ha what a small world huh

David: well now that you know

David: you’re probably gonna google me and regret ever talking to me

Patrick: Why would I regret?

David: excuse me have you not read the news?

David: not to brag

David: but not everyone’s love life is publicized by bitter exes that have a penchant for writing medium articles

David: it’s not easy having all of your bad choices publicly documented on social media for the world to see

Patrick: David, listen

Patrick: I’m not going to google you unless you want me to

Patrick: I honestly don’t care what others say about you in the past

Patrick: I think you’re great

Patrick: That’s all that matters to me

David: you’re the first person to ever say that to me

Patrick: It’s the truth

Patrick: Anyway, I’ll ask around to see how your family is

Patrick: Maybe try to get them to call you

David: you really don’t have to

Patrick: David

Patrick: You’re going to have to get used to people being nice to you

Patrick: Because you deserve to be treated with that much decency

Patrick: So let me do this for you, okay?

David: okay

David: thank you

Patrick: I believe it’s your turn for a question

David: hmm

David: what’s your favorite place in Schitt’s Creek?

Patrick: Okay I have to pass on this one

Patrick: I can’t tell you that

David: what. no!!

David: why not?

Patrick: I was hoping to take you there myself

David: i can’t even enjoy this nice moment for more than a couple minutes

Patrick: What?

David: Patrick i need you to draft a route for me

David: now, please

Patrick: At this rate you can only travel for two hours

David: good enough for me

Patrick: Here

David: thanks

David: so i saw a shadow pass by the living room window a couple of times

David: i have the curtains drawn btw

David: seemed human at least

David: it felt off so i packed and ran

David: i never thought that my past junkie days of knowing how to look for exits would come in handy like this

Patrick: I don’t know what’s more mortifying

Patrick: That sentence or the fact that someone was potentially stalking you?

David: oh. my panic attack?

David: it’s back

Patrick: You need to breathe David, remember deep breaths

David: yeah yeah

David: oh gross

David: i wonder what it says about me that i’m more terrified of a living person than i am of a pack of dead ones

Patrick: Did you just

David: yep

David: this is some getting your Uber to pull over so you don’t ruin the car vibes

Patrick: You have to let it all out

Patrick: It’s the only way to get rid of the feeling

Patrick: Are you feeling better?

David: i hate this i fucking hate this

Patrick: I know. I know

Patrick: You’re really brave David, you know that?

David: don’t feel like it

Patrick: You are

Patrick: You can do this

Patrick: I’m here for you

David: you’re the only reason i’m even doing this

Patrick: Aren’t you doing it for the pizza?

David: honestly i just want to see you

Patrick: You’ll get to see me very soon

Patrick: Be brave for me David

Patrick: And for the pizza

David: 😂

David: okay i’m good to go

David: get back to you in an hour or so

Patrick: Okay

David: again i had to try several neighborhoods

David: sorry i took a while

David: IMG_2020052622.jpg

David: at least this house aligns with my taste

Patrick: I wasn’t aware that you liked cottages

David: why wouldn’t i?

Patrick: Thought you’d be the high end condo type

David: oh i wouldn’t turn down a spacious minimalist condo

David: preferences can vary, Patrick

Patrick: I’m aware

Patrick: IMG_2020040247.jpg

Patrick: This is our town sign

David: what in the actual fuck am i looking at

David: that can’t be real

Patrick: Oh it is

Patrick: That’s his sister btw

David: well the uncomfortable factor went from 20 to incest

David: you said you were going to take me to your favorite place?

David: now you got me worried about the taste levels of this town

Patrick: It’s nowhere near as hilarious as the sign

David: please don’t tell me it’s on a mountain or whatever

Patrick: You have a fear of heights?

David: you might think less of me but yes

Patrick: It’s a common phobia. Nothing to be ashamed of

Patrick: But no, it’s not on a mountain

Patrick: David I already told you I won’t tell you what it is stop guessing

Patrick: You’ll find out when you get here

David: i trust you and everything but uh

David: it takes a lot to impress me

Patrick: Well if the place ends up being disappointing

Patrick: I hope at least the company won’t be

David: i’ll turn off this phone if you tell me the place is you

Patrick: Okay that is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard

Patrick: I’m offended you think my humor is that cheap

David: you can never be too careful these days

David: fine i’ll stop guessing

David: can i ask another question then

David: since the last one was unanswered

Patrick: Yeah sure

David: Who were you before all this? Mr Patrick Brewer?

David: you were engaged to a woman and…?

Patrick: Well I had just graduated with an MBA and was working as a business consultant at a small firm in my hometown

David: a business major

David: wow

David: why does that seem so fitting

Patrick: Do I give off a bad vibe or something?

Patrick: I know business school breeds those typical douchebags and whatnot but

David: no! it’s just the way you go about things

David: you always seem so prepared and confident

Patrick: Oh I seem confident to you do I?

David: okay let’s not get cocky

Patrick: What about you? What did you do in New York?

David: i owned an art gallery in SoHo

Patrick: Oh right you mentioned earlier that you bought your friends’ art

David: ugh yeah that

David: she wanted her installation to be a permanent staple in my gallery

David: it was atrocious but she was a friend so i just went with it

Patrick: That’s really nice of you David

David: hardly

David: my friends and exes were either bought with money or other means

David: no one actively chooses to associate with me

Patrick: Well then explain me

Patrick: I’m here associating with you aren’t I?

David: you’re an anomaly

David: the more you get to know me the less interested you’ll be

David: trust me

Patrick: I doubt it

David: still feeling a little queasy from earlier

David: think i’m gonna head to bed

Patrick: Yeah get some rest

David: talk to you tomorrow

David: ‘night

Patrick: Hope you dream of milking cows and fighting hens for their eggs

David: you’re the worst

Patrick: Sweet dreams!

Patrick: Goodnight

David: surprise surprise

David: i’m up

Patrick: You’re up already?! At 7?

Patrick: What happened to no physical activity before 10

David: figured i’m overdue for some cardio

Patrick: But you don’t do cardio

David: i’m just trying to put as much distance as i can from yesterday

Patrick: Let me draft your route

Patrick: You’re feeling okay though?

David: i’m great

David: why wouldn’t i be?

Patrick: Just making sure

Patrick: I don’t want you to overexert yourself

Patrick: If this is too much let me know

Patrick: Since it’s a longer trip

Patrick: I’d advise you to take more but shorter breaks

David: i’ll try to take shorter breaks

David: can’t guarantee anything though

Patrick: The fact that you’re willing to try is good enough for me

David: you’ve got low standards

Patrick: Pretty sure my standards are high

Patrick: The David I knew three days ago wouldn’t willingly wake up this early

David: touché

David: alright i’m off

David: are you busy today?

Patrick: Not really

Patrick: Just the standard watch shift, making rounds

David: okay

Patrick: If I don’t respond within 15 minutes, don’t worry

Patrick: I’m probably just in the middle of a proximity clean up

David: you don’t have to be so delicate around me

David: i don’t need you to hold my hand

Patrick: I know you can handle yourself. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to

Patrick: We don’t talk about it but I’m well aware of what your environment looks like

David: it’s grotesque but it’s the new norm

David: if i don’t get used to it then i’d never make any progress

David: but here’s something

David: the roads aren’t too bad here

David: still a lot of abandoned cars but very little bodies

David: at least i’m not seeing piles like i was before

Patrick: Don’t let your guard down

David: i won’t

David: it’s lunch time

David: IMG_202052710.jpg

David: golf makes no sense but hey, picnic tables

Patrick: Oh you made a lot of progress!

David: does that mean i get to ask a question

David: you know, as my reward

Patrick: Honestly how could I deprive you of that

Patrick: After all, it’s all I can offer right now

Patrick: Hit me

David: so can you teach me how to kill a zombie?

Patrick: Never thought you’d ask me this question

Patrick: Unusual for you, but i’m digging the energy

David: i’d prefer not to kill anything

David: but given the circumstances, i’d be stupid to be this naive

Patrick: I don’t know why I was hoping to delay this part but we can’t

Patrick: Weapon of choice then?

David: easy to carry around

David: so a bat maybe?

Patrick: Okay that’s a decent choice

Patrick: Remember Negan from The Walking Dead?

Patrick: His infamous barbed wire bat?

David: i only know about the show but i never watched it

Patrick: Okay well try to find nails or barbed wire to embed on the bat

Patrick: It’s more lethal that way

David: i’m already regretting asking about this

David: is there a weapon you’d recommend instead

David: and please don’t say gun

Patrick: Honestly? I’d say pickaxe

Patrick: You swing them like you would a bat and it gets the job done quick

Patrick: I carry mine around for rounds

David: right

David: second best weapon then?

Patrick: Um. A sledge hammer

Patrick: Weapons with a long handle and a metal head are all good choices

David: what if i can’t find either of those things

Patrick: Then a shovel

David: i’ll try looking for that

David: i think there’s a shed that belongs to the golf course up ahead

David: IMG_2020052716.jpg

David: shovel acquired

Patrick: Excellent

Patrick: Now, what you do is you either aim for the neck or between the eyes

Patrick: You can swing it like a sword, but that requires some aiming practice and enough force

Patrick: because if you don’t swing it right, it just ends up getting lodged in the body making you prone to getting bit or scratched

Patrick: So you should go the old fashioned way which is to knock them over and drive the shovel through the skull with your foot

Patrick: But this only works if you’re dealing with one

David: okay so do i just aim for the head and like? knock them over??

Patrick: Actually you just reminded me that we have a couple videos of Ronnie and Twyla demonstrating how do kill them efficiently

Patrick: It’s for newcomers that want to join the watch shift

Patrick: It’s pretty gory, FYI

Patrick: 293741_73895.mov

Patrick: I’ll just send you the pickaxe one

Patrick: Copy what Twyla does in the first 30 seconds, and then use the boot method

David: oh my god

David: she’s... incredible

Patrick: She’s actually our sharpshooter

Patrick: Hard to believe she’s very bubbly and sweet outside of this thing huh

David: i'm kinda scared to meet her

David: they can’t possibly be that easy to trip over

Patrick: Notice how she kind of taunts the guy? She would line herself up in his scent path and sight so he would move faster

Patrick: Then she just ducks and swings as hard as she can at his knee caps and bam

Patrick: Down he goes

Patrick: The second he hits the floor you wedge your shovel down

Patrick: Job finished

David: ugh i don’t know if i can do this

Patrick: I hope you don’t have to

Patrick: The trainees get to practice on a few stray ones with us

Patrick: And even then it takes them at least 3 to 4 bodies to get the hang of

Patrick: But just in case you come across a solitary one that is too close for you to run from

Patrick: You’ll need to protect yourself

Patrick: And if necessary

Patrick: You might need to use it on a person

David: god no

David: hope it never comes to that

Patrick: Alright reward time over

Patrick: I might’ve spoiled you a little there

David: i know you can’t help it

David: though idk if talking about zombie fighting makes for good conversation but whatever

Patrick: Keep going David ;)

David: okay no winky faces omg

David: um there’s a guy in the distance