Work Text:
There had been an orange sky, dust filling it, darkness surrounding it, then nothing. Penny couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. She didn’t know where she was. Was she... in space? But there weren’t any stars or planets. Just... nothing. Had she died? She didn’t know. But she was scared. She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t - wanted to scream for help, but she couldn’t. She was alone in what she could only describe as nothingness. She was-
“Earth to Penelope,” Tony’s voice sounded from her left.
“Huh?” Penny suddenly jerked her head toward him, her eyes widening as they focused back into reality. “Oh, um, yeah. What, uh... What were you saying?”
“I was asking if you had everything packed for your trip,” He raised a brow. “But apparently the desk was more interesting.”
“Right. Um, yeah, I’ve got everything. I think.” Penny blinked, her eyes turning back down toward her notepad. Tony watched her carefully, eyes narrowing as he noticed her mannerisms.
“You okay, kid? You seem a little out of it,” he suggested.
“Oh, I... I’m just tired .” She shook her head as a huff of breath escaped from her nostrils. She’d hoped it was believable enough. After all, she’d been down in the lab all afternoon, brainstorming new ideas for suit upgrades and testing them out with Tony’s help.
On the other hand, she was almost positive that Tony had noticed her being a bit more... spaced out since after the battle against Thanos. Things had gone back to normal, or as close to normal as they could be. But Penny didn’t feel normal at all. She’d been gone for five years. Five years she’d missed out on her life - on the people in her life.
Not to mention the invasive thoughts that had seemed to plague her mind every day. They were always about the same thing - nothingness. The same nothingness that she’d experienced after she was turned to dust. The same nothingness that she was alone in, and no one was coming to help, no matter how loud she tried to cry for help.
She could barely think straight, let alone try and focus on enjoying a somewhat normal life now that Thanos was gone. They’d won, and everyone she loved was here with her. She was still herself, right? But why did she feel so out of place? So different. Like she wasn’t herself.
“I guess I’m just a little... stressed about... the trip,” she stammered, her shoulders shrugging.
Tony slightly narrowed his eyes as he spoke. “Just yesterday, you couldn’t stop going on about how excited you were for it. You sure you’re okay, kiddo?”
“Everything’s all good, I promise.” The corners of her lips turned slightly upward before she turned her attention back to her notes. “I just need to... finish...” she trailed off. Maybe if she could just get back to focusing on her work, her mind would be distracted just enough... But then flashes of orange danced through her mind again, and it was suddenly becoming uncomfortably warm in the room.
Tony let out a soft sigh, standing from his chair. “Alright, spiderling. I think it’s about time for a snack. We’ve been at this for, what, a few hours now? I could go for a sandwich myse-“
“No, no. I’m good, Mr. Stark. Really,” she replied flatly, not exactly meaning to cut him off as her eyes were pinned to her notebook. Yet she found it almost impossible to focus on the writing within it, because her mind was racing again with images of dust particles filling the air around her - and Tony’s bloodied face staring right at her in nothing short of horror... And now her head was feeling light, and her breathing became unsteady.
“And now you’re refusing food?” His voice was almost teasing. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on, okay?” The words came out just a bit harsher than she’d intended, and she forced her eyes shut, shaking her head ever so slightly. “I-I’m sorry... I just... I’m sorry,” she spoke through slightly stifled breaths.
There was a short pause between the two of them before Tony sighed. “Pen... If you don’t want to talk about it, then say so. Don’t lie and pretend to be fine when you clearly aren’t .” His voice was more serious now, but not angry.
She hadn’t meant to snap at him. But her heart was beating way too fast, and it was becoming harder to catch her breath, and she couldn’t think straight- or, rather, she couldn’t stop thinking.
Dropping her pencil rather suddenly, she slowly stood from her chair on slightly shaky legs. In fact, her entire body was shaking now, and she hated it. She hated this. But it wouldn’t stop. The walls had been closing in on her, she was scared, and she needed to get out of there.
“I-I just need to... go to the bathroom,” she managed to voice before her feet began walking her toward the lab’s door.
“Penny?” Tony called as she walked away, his brow furrowed. But she ignored him and kept walking. And walking. Until her legs couldn’t anymore. She was in the hallway leading from the lab when her back fell against the wall, her legs practically buckling under her weight as she slid to the floor.
She lowered her head, burying her face within her hands. Her muscles tensed as she felt a heavy wave of sudden and absolute dread wash over her. She couldn’t breathe. Her lungs were on fire. And now she felt like she was drowning as she gasped for air, but only choked sobs came out. Her entire body was anxiously vibrating - and at the same time, she felt completely frozen. Tears were now escaping onto her cheeks and hands, and she felt totally helpless. She was Spider-Girl. She was a superhero . So why did she feel so weak and vulnerable?
“Penny?” Her mentor had appeared in the hallway, standing mere feet from her. His voice was now brimming with concern, and his expression had changed to match. He took a small step toward her. “Talk to me, kid. What’s going on?”
She couldn’t even think about trying to answer him. Not when she felt like she was dying. Was she dying? No... no, she couldn’t be. She’d already died once, and it was nothing like this. This was worse.
He moved closer to her, crouching down right beside her as he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Penny, you’ve gotta talk to me. Are you hurt?” But the only reply he got from her was in the form of more sobs and exasperated breaths.
His gaze suddenly turned toward the ceiling. “Friday, what’ve you got?”
“I’m not detecting any injuries, but she does have an elevated heart rate and she’s hyperventilating.” There was a short pause from the AI. “I believe she’s experiencing a panic attack, boss.”
Tony felt his heart drop at the words. He’d known how this felt all too well, and now Penny - his kid - was going through this.
“Oh, Pen...” He couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going on in her head after what she’d been through, but he knew he needed to let her know she wasn’t alone. He positioned himself so that he was sitting beside her, gently wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.
“I’ve got you, honey. You’re alright.” His tone was softer now as he slowly rubbed her arm. “Just breathe... I’ve got you.”
The two of them had sat like that for what seemed like forever, but Tony didn’t care. He’d sit there with her for as long as it took to get her out of that horrible place of mind.
Before long, Penny’s breathing had finally started to even out, and her sobs had all but stopped. Her head was still spinning though as it remained buried within her hands. The first move she made was to wipe ferociously at her eyes as they rapidly blinked away any remaining tears.
“I- I’m sorry, Mr. Stark...” She spoke with a shaky voice that sounded tired and faltering. “I didn’t mean to-“
Her voice caught in the back of her throat as a gentle hand placed itself atop her head.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Pen.” Tony assured, stroking her hair.
“I shouldn’t have let it get to me... I’m sorry...” She finally raised her head up to look at him, eyes bright red and still welled with tears.
“Don’t apologize, honey.” He paused. “You wanna talk about it? You don’t have to, but sometimes it can help.”
“I- I don’t know...” And she really didn’t. Would he even understand? Would he get it? And even if he did, how would he even be able to help? Unless he had some kind of memory altering device that could wipe clean those images from her brain. That would be wonderful.
She hated so much that she’d let those damn thoughts get to her that badly. She’d been able to suppress them well enough for the past few weeks, but it’s like they just kept getting worse and worse. And now they’d brought her to her knees, taken the breath right out of her, pounded her head to a pulp. She was Spider-Girl. She’d been beaten and bruised thousands of times before, but somehow this was a million times as bad as the worst fight she’d ever taken part in.
“It’s... probably nothing,” she dismissed, sniffling again. “Just got freaked out.”
“A panic attack isn’t nothing, Penny. But it is something I can help you with.”
A... panic attack? Right, that’s what Friday had said. But Penny had never had a panic attack before. Not after the ferry. Not after the Vulture dropped a building on her. Not even after Ben. So why now? Was she... broken? Is that what being brought back to life after you’ve died does? Break you? No, no. She wasn’t broken. She had to be fine. She had to tell herself she was fine.
She hadn’t even realized that a dazed expression had been on her face as she mindlessly stared at the wall across from her.
“Penny?” Tony’s voice finally registered in her ears and broke her from the focus she had on those thoughts. How long had he been talking? “Penny? Are you with me, kiddo?”
“Am I broken?” The question slipped past her lips before she could even think about what she was saying. But the thought was swirling around her head now, taunting her.
Tony blinked, a look of almost disbelief forming across his face. “What- Of course you’re not broken , honey.”
“Why is this happening?” Her voice was barely above a whisper now. “I can’t get it out of my head...”
“Pen, you... You’ve been through a lot. More than anyone your age- hell, anyone at all should ever have to. And that’s not fair.” He sighed, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “But if I know you, you’re stronger than all of it. And I’d like to think I know you pretty damn well.”
“It doesn’t really feel that way,” she responded, followed by a small huff of breath. “It feels like I’m just so... lost. So... not me . It’s like I can’t control my thoughts and everything just spins and I feel like I’m drowning and being crushed and... breaking.”
“I don’t want you to ever think you’re broken because of what’s going on inside your head, okay?”
Penny leaned her head back into the wall she was sitting against, a shaky sigh escaping from her. “Do you remember when we were in space?”
Tony’s brows furrowed at the question. “Yeah, honey, I do. Is that what...” His voice trailed off, unsure if he should even finish the question.
“Yeah,” Penny stated plainly. “When I... When I died. Everything was dark and I was all alone and no one was coming to help me.” The words ran together as she rushed through them. “I can’t get it out of my head and it’s like I’m dying over and over again.”
“Penny,” Tony started. “Look at me.” And she did, her eyes reluctantly wet again. “You’re not alone. Never will be. You’ve got so many people that’ll be here for you no matter what. And of course that includes me, kiddo.”
That got a small smile out of Penny, her eyes glancing down at her hands for a moment. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”
“You’re gonna get through this, okay?” He gave her a soft but encouraging smile. “I promise.”
“Okay,” she all but whispered as a tear dared to fall down her cheek. Tony reached over to wipe it away as he spoke again.
“Love you, kiddo.”
“Love you, too, Mr. Stark.”