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It took them a long time to get here.
A semester of sharing classes and going to the same house parties without even noticing the other’s existence.
Being pulled into a bizarre group of friends that shouldn’t have been, but was. Recognizing one another as partaking in a loneliness reserved for a chosen—unfortunate—few. Gravitating in circles without knowing, sneaking glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking. A slow, steady friendship. Sharing silence.
Eventually, something more.
A night of drinking and music can do wonders for two people that feel and fear too much.
Then, the wonder of holding a warm hand. Of a kiss, light as a breeze, to end their first date. Of a whispered ‘goodnight’ on the phone at an ungodly hour. Of wishing days were longer because all the time they can spend talking is never enough.
Of realizing this was love and saying so in a fragile whisper, only for the other to smile and say ‘I know’.
It took them time and work to get here, which is why Rey feels guilty.
Ben recently started his first job at an important law firm. Any hour can be work hours. Despite that, he does his best to dote on her. He offers to pick her up and drive her home when she has a late shift. He brings her flowers. Stays the night when he can, pressing his lips to her forehead before rushing out the door in the morning. Takes her to his parent’s upstate house on the weekends. Always plays her favorite music in the car.
Not a day goes by without him saying ‘I love you’. Sometimes she thinks, with a pang of shame, that he does it too much.
It’s not that she doesn’t like to hear it. She’s just been on the receiving end of too many broken promises before. Talk is very, very cheap. She was much too young when she learnt that.
Still, Rey always says it back. Because it’s true and she wants him to know.
So, they love each other, and life is good except for a few fleeting moments when it isn’t. There are instants when Rey feels a knot on her chest; a point of pressure that began as mildly annoying but is growing to be suffocating. Despite knowing that she is where she should be, where she wants to be, there’s still a restlessness that she cannot shake.
She doesn’t tell him. He notices, on occasion, and asks about it, but she has no answer for him. She doesn’t know what it is, and why worry him with something she can’t voice?
Inadvertently, it’s Rose who has the answers.
It’s all very accidental. A girl’s night to watch a movie she can’t remember the title of. Something something robots and idiots in love. They stop paying attention twenty minutes in, and neither cares because it had all been an excuse to make time in their busy schedules for each other anyway. Rose shows her a magazine featuring her latest shoot, and Rey peruses the pages lazily as her friend talks about moving in with Hux and the tabby kitten they just adopted.
A title catches her attention. She marks the page and saves it for later.
She forgets about it until the next morning, when she’s clearing the table of food containers and candy wrappers. Abandoning the task at hand, she goes back to the title that caught her eye.
‘The five love languages: How do you give and receive love?’
She devours the article. The final paragraph mentions a website where she can find a test.
She takes it, and when the screen shows her results, she has to sit back for a moment. ‘Quality time’ comes first. ‘Words of affirmation’ is last on the list.
An opening of the eyes. Finding the last, lost piece of the puzzle.
It’s such a small thing, the kind that makes her feel just a little different, slightly inadequate, and why is this such a big deal for her? She wants to ask Ben because he will understand. He always does.
Words are still eluding her. She attempts to broach the subject a couple times, to no avail. Then, she tries writing them down. When that doesn’t work, she’s frustrated enough to confide in Rose.
Rey is reminded of how blessed she is having her for a best friend.
“When you can’t find the right words, use someone else’s.”
Skeptic fingers tap-tap-tapping away at the keyboard, she looks for an answer. It’s funny how little time it takes her to find one.
Ben comes by the day after holding a single yellow flower. It makes Rey’s heart sing.
She doesn’t waste time; she wants to get this over with. That way they can get to the understanding and smiling and loving.
The magazine lies open on the coffee table. She waits patiently while he reads. His face is curious and open as he scans the page, and oh how she wants to kiss his beautiful, long nose.
When he’s done, his eyes search her face, questioning. In response, she gets her phone and plays the song. Because she doesn’t know how to explain, but someone else does.
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me…
With every line, the pressure inside her recedes.
What would you say if I took those words away?
When it comes to an end, she finds the way to tell him what she needs. Ben holds her hand and doesn't let go.
“Do you understand now?”
“I do Rey, I do.”
They kiss for a long time after that.
Later, she makes him take the test. Instead of ‘words of affirmation’, he gets ‘physical touch’. Not what Rey expected, and she says so.
Ben then confesses that he never forgot something she had said once, back when they were just friends. Something about never having another person tell her ‘I love you’.
“I want you to know you are loved. Always, wherever you are. Wherever I am. I love you.”
She smiles then and kisses him some more.
“I know. I feel it too.”
And their bodies tangle in her sheets, and they love each other in other ways.
Because sometimes, you need a little more than words.