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The more Rafael Barba read about the Jim Turner case the sicker he felt. He’d been kept in the loop throughout the investigation but somehow the files gave it more realism. So many lives had been ruined, all because of a hockey game. The man’s actions and abuse had resulted in one kid dead from a traumatising injury, one of his own kids imprisoned and another of his kids beaten so bad Rafael felt bile in his throat looking at the injuries.
He could certainly understand why Carisi had come storming in with the files that afternoon. Carisi had been pacing back and forth across the office, arms waving wildly as he talked about the details of the case. Rafael had never seen Carisi so fired up before and could barely get a word in edgewise. The detective was on a mission and demanded that they work on it together right then.
The ADA had found himself unable to refuse. Partly because Jim Turner made his own father comparable to a Disney movie. The other reason was his concern for Carisi and the need to watch out for him. Rafael tried to convince himself it was just another mentoring session, but the sting in his chest from seeing the tears welling in Carisi’s eyes spoke volumes.
Rafael couldn’t help but notice that Carisi had not touched the Chinese takeout they’d ordered. The ADA had mentioned for him to take a break but the advice fell on deaf ears. The detective did, however, take the glass of scotch that a concerned Rafael had poured for him.
Every now and then, Rafael would look over at Carisi on the other side of the couch. The other man was taking notes, like his yellow legal pad was the only thing in the world. The excessive energy seemed unnecessary as Jim Turner’s conviction was practically guaranteed given the evidence. Still, Rafael didn’t dare to stop Carisi’s rage fuelled flow.
Rafael noticed the bags under the detective’s eyes and wondered when he last slept properly. What disturbed Rafael the most was the silence. He actually missed Carisi energetically popping up with knowledge or suggestions, even though Rafael already knew 99 percent of the time.
Taking a look at his watch, he sighed about how late it was getting. Rafael decided to call it a night and put down his work to inform Carisi.
At some point Carisi had clearly run out of steam. He was slumped over with his eyes shut. Rafael inched closer and lightly touched the detective’s shoulder, confirming he was in fact asleep.
“Carisi?” Rafael whispered softly, debating whether or not to wake the other man.
Carisi stirred but didn’t respond. His exhausted body flopped, causing his head to end up on Rafael’s shoulder.
“Oh you’re not going to let me leave are you?”
The ADA sighed in annoyance but didn’t make any attempt to push the detective away. Instead he leaned his head slightly towards Carisi. Rafael felt the hairs caressing his cheek and the scent of shampoo teasing him. He closed his eyes and fought the temptation to bury his face in Carisi’s hair.
Rafael snapped himself out of it, mentally punishing himself for the lapse. For many months he had succeeded in keeping Carisi at a safe professional distance. Even when the aspiring lawyer insisted on shadowing him, Rafael had treated him strictly as a mentee and SVU colleague.
The most logical course of action was to wake Carisi up and put him in a cab. Rafael tried willing himself to wake the detective up but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Watching Carisi that evening, it was obvious that this case kept him up at night.
He shuffled a little, slowly easing Carisi from his shoulder. Rafael guided the other man’s head to rest on his lap. He took his jacket that hung off the back of the couch and covered Carisi with it, gingerly taking the yellow legal pad from the detective’s hand. The ADA watched as Carisi made the slightest unconscious movement to snuggle into his lap.
“One hour, that’s it.” Rafael whispered firmly to the sleeping figure, unable to keep himself from smiling.
Realising he wasn’t going anywhere for a while, Rafael let out a sigh. He decided to busy himself with Carisi’s copious notes. The last thing he wanted to think about at that moment was the abusive Jim Turner but he knew putting his attention on Carisi would lead to unrealistic fantasies of requited feelings.
Rafael read through the pages, trying not to be distracted by the man resting on his lap. His eyes began to feel heavy with his own need for sleep. He noticed only 40 minutes had passed of the hour he’d promised to let Carisi sleep. Normally during late night case preparation the ADA would fix himself a coffee to power through an extra hour or two. However, getting up from the couch would surely risk waking the other man.
Rafael put the notes aside and just watched Carisi sleeping. He couldn’t pinpoint the time when his feelings had crossed the line between professional and inappropriate. All he knew was that the urge to kiss Carisi had become much more prominent as months passed. It was also much more painful to fight off.
Carisi began stirring a little. Without hesitation, Rafael moved a hand to the detective’s shoulder. He could feel that Carisi was shaking a little and decided to rouse him.
“Carisi, come on wake up.”
The other man woke up with a start, eyes wide and full of fear. He sat bolt upright, narrowly missing head butting Rafael in the face. Carisi let out a shout before heavy shallow breaths took over. He looked around in a panic and, for reasons Rafael couldn’t understand, appeared to be feeling his face.
Rafael grabbed on to Carisi’s arm, finding the shaking had become more vigorous. The ADA rubbed his back, pulling him slightly closer. He recognised the signs of an oncoming anxiety attack, knowing he had to act fast.
“Carisi, this is Barba. We’re in my office and I need you to listen to me. Whatever happened was just a dream and you’re safe. I need you to breathe slowly right now.”
“He put me through a window. I didn’t say anything.” Carisi replied shakily, still breathing heavily and desperately, clearly coming down from the nightmare he was having.
Rafael swallowed his own panic at seeing Carisi in such a state. He took the other man’s hand in his own, squeezing it comfortingly. He continued rubbing Carisi’s back and moved even closer.
“Carisi, I need you to listen to me now, can you do that?” Rafael was so close, his forehead almost touched Carisi’s temple. “Look around the room, right now and tell me five things you can see. Any things, can you do that?”
Carisi nodded in reply and lifted his head. “The Law Journal….the chairs….the coffee maker….your desk….the laptop.” His breathing had begun to even out slightly with each item.
“Good. Now tell me four things you can feel.” Rafael found himself squeezing Carisi’s hand to emphasise his point.
“I feel the couch. I’m sitting on the couch….I feel your hand.” Carisi took in a deep breath as the grounding exercise worked to calm him. His thumb began running across one of Rafael’s fingers. “This feels nice.”
Rafael agreed that the intimacy did feel nice, but knew that wasn’t the objective. The grounding exercise had worked somewhat, but he needed to be sure Carisi was okay. He snatched his hand back, feeling a pang of regret as he did so. He turned Carisi’s shoulders towards him, forcing them to look at each other. One look into the ice blue eyes, rimmed with red, Rafael felt his guard slipping away.
“Look at me. Concentrate on me. Breathe with me and count to ten.”
Carisi managed a small smile and let out a breath. “I’m okay now, Rafael. A little embarrassed, but okay.”
Against better judgement, Rafael found himself cupping Carisi’s cheek for a few seconds. “A nightmare is nothing to be embarrassed about. Neither is a panic attack. Frankly, I’d be worried if you didn’t feel sick about this case.” He thought back to what Carisi had said after waking, about the window. “Especially if you related by personal experience.”
Carisi’s forehead was now pressed against Rafael’s. The two men just stared into each other’s eyes, as though to communicate without words. For a moment it seemed they were asking each other to make the first move, but they knew the risks of taking it themselves.
Unable to take any more tension, Rafael broke away. “We should probably get going. I think we’ve done what we can on the case for now.” He stood up from the couch and slowly began packing his things away. Rafael could feel Carisi’s eyes on him but didn’t dare look back.
Eventually Carisi began packing up his own notes. He stretched a little as his tired body protested to moving. “How long was I out for?”
“About an hour.” Rafael replied, busying himself with cleaning up the takeout containers.
Carisi finished packing his bag and stood up. “I guess I got lost in the zone and passed out. This case…” He rubbed his eyes, not wanting to continue that train of thought. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“After the way you were this afternoon, I thought it was for the best.” Rafael tried to be his regular snarky self, but the worry in his voice was too obvious. “You didn’t eat. You clearly haven’t slept well in days, perhaps weeks. You need the break, detective.”
There was a moment of silent contemplation before Carisi walked up and took Rafael’s arm. He wished the ADA would look him in the face and tell him the truth. “That’s the only reason you let me sleep in your lap?”
Rafael let out a sigh. He'd hoped Carisi had missed that detail to avoid the incoming conversation. He pulled away from Carisi and threw his arms up in defeat. “Well, pardon me for caring after you come charging into my office demanding we work late.”
“That’s exactly the point, Rafael. You care! I care!” Carisi darted in front of Rafael to stop his rush, forcing them to look at each other. “Maybe it’s time we admitted just how much.”
Rafael stopped in his tracks, finding himself unable to move or speak. He felt Carisi cup his face, with gentle thumbs caressing his cheeks. His eyes fluttered closed in bliss as Carisi leaned in and planted a sweet kiss to his forehead. He let out a breathy sigh as Carisi’s nose nuzzled up against his own.
“Rafael-“
His name on the detective’s lips was all the encouragement he needed. Rafael closed the gap and kissed Carisi’s lips desperately. A pleasurable warmth filled him as he felt Carisi suck on his bottom lip, returning the kiss. His tongue teased at Carisi’s mouth, begging for an opening. As the two tongues met, dancing with each other, Rafael slid his arms around Carisi’s neck and buried his fingers in the other man’s hair.
With his arms around Rafael’s waist, Carisi guided them both to the couch. His tongue continued to move smoothly, yet hungrily, with Rafael’s as they sat down together. He grabbed at Rafael’s suspenders and pulled him closer, giving the other man invitation to slowly lay on top of him.
Rafael trailed off their first kiss, needing to look at Carisi. He smiled as a pair of bliss out ice blue eyes greeted his own. Playfully he pressed a kiss to Carisi’s nose and fingered a few strands of hair that had fallen out of place. As amazing as kissing Carisi had been, looking at him in the afterglow was a sight to behold.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for too long.” Carisi confessed, taking Rafael’s hand from his hair and bringing it to his lips to kiss each finger.
“I think I have an idea.” Rafael laughed softly before letting out a sigh, enjoying the tingles as Carisi nibbled on his fingertips. Still, he couldn’t deny the heaviness in his eyelids. “As much as I’d love to continue all of this-“
“You’re exhausted. Me too.” Carisi laughed along with him, planting a kiss of understanding on Rafael’s palm. “We did work pretty hard tonight.”
“Yeah, we did well.” Rafael sat up, helping Carisi into a sitting position. He intertwined their fingers together. “Imagine how much better we’ll be after a night of sleep at my place.”
Carisi raised his eyebrows playfully. “Your place, huh?”
Rafael felt a little nervous at his forwardness, feeling the need to clarify. “I have a guest room if you’d prefer. Though I have no objections if you-“
“Shush.” Carisi said before planting a silencing kiss to Rafael’s lips and whipping out his phone. “Let’s go. I’ll get us an Uber.”
Rafael reluctantly made the move to stand up, slipping on his jacket and grabbing his briefcase. “Aren’t I usually the one saying shush to you?” The tiredness overtaking him saw his head migrate to Carisi’s shoulder. “Maybe the two of us getting together will bring about the apocalypse.”
Carisi chuckled in reply. After he finished ordering the Uber he rested his cheek against the top of Rafael’s head. “I could think of worse ways to go.”