Archive of Our Own

“Get out.”   

Alec blanched, his whole body going tense.  He swallowed hard.  Of all the possible reactions he’d expected… “Magnus, please just listen-” 

“What part of get out don’t you understand, Alexander!”  Magnus snarled, summoning a duffel bag to his hands.  He threw it at Alec and turned his back on him, his shoulders heaving.  Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes, but he forced them down, trying to breathe.  

“Magnus, please…” Alec said, taking a step towards him.  “Let me explain, please.”   

“You have explained quite enough already, Alec,” Magnus said, his voice flat and cold.  “Now get out before I make you.”  

Alec swallowed and his face hardened, even as he stepped towards Magnus’ back.  “Magnus, let me finish-” 

Magnus threw a hand out, freezing Alec in his place with a quick twist of his fingers.  He looked over his shoulder at Alec with a glare and pushed, shoving Alec and the bag he was holding out the front door of the loft and into a portal that would send him to the New York Institute before he slammed the doors shut.  

Turning back to the small table Alec had laid out, the candlelit dinner, the food still steaming hot, the champagne on ice, Magnus snarled, throwing another blast of magic at it, sending it careening across the loft and into a stone pillar before it broke apart under the force of his magic.  Magnus choked on a sob, tears obscuring his vision.  

Happy.   Alec had thought he would be happy, of all things.  

Magnus summoned a portal, his hand shaking.  The magic was unstable and he growled at it, forcing it to solidify before he stepped through.  The familiar cottage was quiet around him, and a fine film of dust coated all the possessions, but with a quick wave of his hand, it was clean.  It took a minute to find the familiar chair by the long-quiet fireplace, but once he was curled up in it, his face pressed to his knees, Magnus let the tears come.  

~!~ 

He waited a month before he sealed the wards around his loft.  No one could go in or out of his loft, not that anyone, even Alec, had tried in the past week.  Maybe he’d destroy it.  After all, it was only an apartment.  Hadn’t he said that once?  What did he need the reminder for?  

He would go back, collect what he needed out of his apothecary, and then leave.  It would be better that way.  For all of them.  

Decision made, Magnus summoned a portal and stepped into the quiet loft.  A quick glance around catalogued the changes that he hated himself for noticing.  The weapons rack by the door was gone.  The constant pile of reports and Clave legislation were missing from the coffee table.  The table with the dinner he’d thrown into a pillar was gone, like it had never been there in the first place.  The door to his apothecary was closed.  

Magnus nodded and strode to the bedroom.  The bed was made, all of the pillows arranged carefully.  He didn’t notice the empty space where a second dresser was supposed to be, or that the normal stack of books was missing from the second bedside table.  The empty space in his walk-in closet didn’t bother him, nor did the shirts hanging there that didn’t fit him any longer because they’d been sized for someone else.  An impatient flick of his fingers had them banished into a donation bin.  

Nothing but his own products remained in the bathroom and Magnus gave another firm nod before turning back to the bedroom.  His memory box was sitting on his cleared and cleaned vanity and he frowned, catching sight of an envelope.  He picked it up, frowning at the weight of it, tugging out the letter and the ring that tumbled into his palm.  Tossing the ring into the box, followed by a second, in annoyance, Magnus snapped it shut with a determined click and flipped open the letter.  

I know you probably don’t have yours anymore, and I thought about keeping this, but if you even want to keep a memory of me, maybe this will be the one you pick.  It didn’t feel right to keep it knowing you don’t want me to have it any longer.  I’m sorry.  I hope someday you find the happiness you deserve.  Because you deserve it more than you can possibly imagine, and I want that for you.  I love you.  I’m so sorry.

His fingers were not trembling as he read the letter a second time, memorizing it before he set it on fire in a blaze of dark red magic.  Magnus caught sight of his own golden eyes in the mirror and the tear tracks streaking down his cheeks before the glass of the mirror was shattered into a thousand pieces. He grabbed the box and strode towards his apothecary.  Time to leave.  

~!~ 

It was easy to lose the years, the decades, when you were determined enough to do it.  

Magnus was a master at it.  

He threw himself into all of it.  He’d done it before, and he could do it again.  Fall into the parties, the alcohol, the willing arms who desired him but never for more than a night, just like he wanted.  It was easier than he’d thought to shed his name, his responsibilities, to name a successor and to leave until it felt less like abandoning and more like moving on.  

That’s what made it easy to ignore the first fire message, and the second.  It had been decades, they hardly needed him now.  Still, they kept coming, until one with a magical signature that he pretended his magic didn’t leap in recognition of, showed up.  Magnus grabbed it with a snarl and read it, about to send back a message with a hex on it when his eyes caught on the words.  

Mom passed.  She told me she wanted you to know.  Service is on Thursday, 8pm, at the New York Institute.  I won’t be there, don’t worry about having to see me if you go. 

Magnus sank down into the leather couch, staring at the fire message until his fingers were being burnt by the last wisps of paper.  A harsh exhale left his lips and he hung his head.  He thought of the strong woman who had gone from a mortal enemy to dear friend and confidant.  Who had thanked him for-  

Magnus shook his head, his chest aching.  He was no stranger to the death of friends. He’d seen more than he could count.  Another sound, suspiciously like a sob left his lips and he clenched his hands into fists.  Decades and he hadn’t even thought to check in, the woman who’d saved him when he had nothing.  He’d abandoned her.  

Tears fell, hot, hard, and fast, on the leather pants he was wearing as he bent over and sobbed.  He’d long since accepted the hardening of his heart - the last time it would happen.  It would be permanent this time.  He could feel it.  But now it felt cracked open, raw and festering and he hated it.  Bitter cold and permanent loneliness was better than this, this pain.   

~!~

Magnus did not think about the last time he had been in the church at the New York Institute, even though it was now shrouded in mourning white.  He didn’t think about the glares and looks from the shadowhunters who spotted him whose names he had long forgotten.  He kept his eyes on the figure on the altar, the three siblings behind it when there should be four as Isabelle spoke, her voice steady.  

He didn’t notice that her hair was the most vibrant shade of silver, twisted into an elaborate hairstyle, and the laugh lines at the corner of her lips and eyes were deep and pronounced.  He didn’t notice that her heels were as high as ever, her lipstick still as bright, and that she held onto her brother’s hands tight as she spoke.  When the time came for all of them to speak, the words felt stuck in his throat for an instant, until he managed to force them out.  

“Ave Atque Vale, Maryse Trueblood,” Magnus whispered.  He closed his eyes and sent up a small prayer for her.  He didn’t hear the distinct click of approaching heels until he saw Isabelle’s furious eyes. The vibrant sting of her nails against his cheek as she slapped him, hard enough to snap his head to the side, caused a loud enough sound to silence the room in a second.  

“How dare you,” Isabelle snarled.  “How dare you say those words like you care!”   

Magnus stared at her, at the fury that made her years younger in an instant.  There was nothing he could say to make her feel better, to make her believe that he did care, that he was suffocated by regret so thick he could taste it in his mouth.  

“Izzy,” Jace said, walking up to her, taking her arm, pulling her back a few feet.  “That’s-” 

“No!” Isabelle growled.  “He’s the reason Alec isn’t here!  He’s the reason Alec couldn’t join the ceremony, because he was sure Magnus would attend!  He,” she waved angrily towards Magnus.  “Hasn’t seen Mom in decades, yet he somehow takes precedence over Alec?!”  She yanked her arm away.  “He made it clear that he doesn’t care, that he never fucking cared, about any of us!”  

“That’s enough,” Jace said, his voice soft.  “Go take a walk Izzy, and that’s an order.”  

Magnus watched Isabelle turn her fury to Jace, but whatever was in his eyes made her deflate, and with one last glare at him, she was striding out of the room, wiping her cheeks furiously.  He turned his eyes back to the graying blonde in front of him.  The distinct lack of another member of their family made his heart lurch.  “Clary?” he asked quietly, knowing he had no right to know, but he had to ask.  

“With Alec,” Jace said, turning his attention fully back to Magnus.  “She wouldn’t let him be alone.”  

Magnus didn’t sag in relief at the knowledge that Alec wasn’t alone, that he had someone, at least, who understood how he was grieving.  What he had lost.  He nodded, pressing his lips together, unable to force himself to say anything else.  

“Angels, I want to punch your damn teeth out,” Jace said with a huff of a laugh, pressing his fingers through his hair.  “But now I see why Alec asked us to leave you alone.”  He shook his head.  “You two are messed up.”  

Magnus swallowed, his heart aching at the small mention of Alec.  It didn’t matter.  It hadn’t mattered in decades.  It would never matter again, he’d made sure of that.  Maybe he’d visit Malibu again.  It was beautiful this time of year.  

Jace huffed.  “Don’t stick around long.  I won’t punch you, but I can’t promise Izzy won’t come back for more.”  

Magnus managed a small nod, watching Jace stride past him, the rest of the shadowhunters filing out behind him.  He turned, about to summon a portal when a hand grabbed his shoulder.  He tensed and frowned at the sight of Lorenzo.  “What do you want?”  

Lorenzo shook his head with a scowl, pulling a letter out of his pocket.  He pressed it against Magnus’ chest.  “Maryse’s last request before she passed was that I get this to you.”  

Magnus' mouth went dry and he reached up to take the letter, willing his fingers to steady as he stared down at it.  His name was there on the front, written in Maryse’s loopy handwriting.  

“You never deserved them,” Lorenzo hissed, scowling at him.  “You don’t abandon family.  Once, I thought you knew that.”  

Mangus’ eyes snapped up to Lorenzo, but the warlock was already turning away, striding through the doorway, leaving him alone with the church, and all the ghosts within.  He didn’t let his eyes linger on the altar, remembering how he’d once decorated it with a smile and a laugh, with flowers and candles.  Nor did he let the image of Alec striding down the altar and towards him play in his mind like it had happened yesterday.  

It was in the past, and it would fade, just like every other memory of Alexander would fade if he gave it enough time.  

He hoped.  

~!~ 

It took him a week to read the letter.  

He’d been busy, of course.  Finding a new apartment in Malibu, catching up on a handful of impatient clients, then losing himself in the swarm of bodies like he usually did.  

But a week later, when he’d had a bit too much whiskey, and not enough company to distract him, he picked up the letter and broke the wax seal with the Trueblood emblem.  He settled into his comfiest chair and took another gulp of his best whiskey.   

Dear Magnus,

Alec, Izzy, and Jace don't know I’m writing this and I’ve given it to Lorenzo to give to you.  I just want you to know I love you, and that you are always a part of my family, and I missed you.  You’re forgiven for any guilt you carry about me, Magnus, and you will always be one of my sons.   

Magnus dropped the letter to his lap, breathing out hard, his hands shaking.  He pressed his hands to his face.  Damn her.   Damn her for knowing him well enough to know he’d feel guilty, that he would hate himself for abandoning her.  Damn her for making him want to care!  Magnus downed the rest of his drink and poured himself another large glass, picking up the letter again, willing his hands to steady so he could read it.  

I don’t know what happened between the two of you, none of us do - Alec never told us.  But I want you to know, a part of him died when he realized you weren’t coming back.  He’s never been the same.  I think he’s found peace, even a small measure of contentment.  You’d even be proud of him, I believe.  

Alec, and what he is doing, is proof that an immortal life is too long to spend alone, so I hope that this finds you healthy, well, and in the company of those who love you like you deserve.  

Magnus carefully placed the letter on the table and threw the glass as hard as he could across the room.  The surge of pain was white hot and his eyes pricked with tears again.  “Fuck you!”  he snarled.  “Fuck you for telling me that, Maryse!  It doesn’t change anything!”  It perhaps changed everything.   “Fuck!” he screamed, sinking into a crouch, his magic curling around him in a protective tornado, wind kicking up in the apartment, grabbing item after item until it was swirling around him in a blur.  

The last of the calcification around his heart shattered, leaving him raw, bleeding, and aching, and Magnus screamed again, the vortex of pain around him growing until he felt it shake the building.  

“Magnus, that is enough.”  

Magnus lifted tear-filled eyes to stare at Ragnor, standing in front of him, a pitying look on his face.  Abruptly the tornado around him died, items crashing to the ground, some shattering upon impact.  “Go away,” he whispered.  “Go away, Ragnor.”  

“My dear friend,” Ragnor said, moving closer to him.  “You are killing yourself.”  

“Better that than this pain!” Magnus snapped back, pressing his hand to his heart.  “Nothing is worth this pain!  Nothing!”   

Ragnor hummed.  “Because you inflicted it upon yourself?”  

“No!” Magnus snarled, glaring at him.  “He did this!  He thought, he thought I wanted, that I would be glad for him to, to-” 

“Spend the rest of your lives together?” Ragnor asked, his voice bland.  “Yes, that is truly a leap of logic for the man you married and pledged to love for the remainder of his life.”  

“I didn’t ask him to become immortal!  To, to give up being a Nephilim without asking me!” Magnus shouted, tears streaking down his cheeks.  “I didn’t ask him to give up everything he knew, everything he was to-” 

“To be able to stay with you forever?” Ragnor continued. “Did you perhaps consider, dear friend, that he might have felt it was unfair to ask you?”  

Magnus froze, heaving in desperate breaths as the power gathering around him again abruptly died.  He lifted his head to look at Ragnor again, but he was gone.  He gave himself another few minutes of deep breaths before he could control his magic enough to summon the letter to his fingertips.  His eyes traced over the last of it and his already bleeding heart was stabbed again.  

I won’t ask you to take Alec back, that’s not my place.  But I will ask you to make peace with him.  He deserves that and if your leaving hurt you half as much as it did him, my heart aches for the both of you. This wound has been left to fester for too long, and you need to make it right, for both your sakes.  Call it a dying woman’s last request. 

I love you, Magnus, in case you needed me to say it again.  I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if you don’t find it with Alec.  

-Maryse Trueblood 

Magnus wanted to set the letter on fire, wanted to burn it so he didn’t have to stare at the kind, gentle, and gracious words.  He didn’t deserve them.  He didn’t deserve the forgiveness, didn’t deserve Alexander giving up his entire world for him.  He didn’t deserve any of it.  He looked back at the letter.  A dying woman’s last request.  For him to make things right with Alexander.  

He swallowed hard, summoned his phone to his hand, and instead called someone else he hadn’t talked to in far too long.  Her phone rang once, twice, before an overly cheerful voice that was not Catarina picked up.  

“Loss Residence!  How can I help you?” 

Magnus opened his mouth, but he couldn’t place the voice and he frowned.  Had Catarina moved in with someone?  Was she dating again?  It’d been more than a century and a half, and with being a nurse, and Madzie, she simply hadn’t had time for-

“Hello?  Is anyone there?”  

“I,” Magnus cleared his throat.  “I’m looking for Catarina.  Is she there?”  

“Unfortunately, no, she’s out at the moment.  A dear friend had a death in the family and she’s helping him with work.” She paused and then continued.  “I’m available though!  What were you looking for?  My warding is second to none, and it can’t be too urgent if you’re calling - were you looking for a particular spell?  I have almost all of the basics on hand, and I can always check Mom’s spellbook if need be!”  

With a start, Magnus realized who this was.  He was talking to Madzie.   The young warlock who had barely been able to say a dozen words at a time sounded positively chatty and Magnus fought down a sob.  She didn’t recognize his voice, she didn’t know him any longer, and oh, the realization hurt so much more than it should have.  

“No, no, I’m sorry, I needed to talk to her.”  He took a deep breath and tried to focus, even as his head swam with the realization of just how much time had passed.  How old had Maryse been when she passed?  Jace and Izzy had grey hair.  How long had he disappeared for?  How many years had it been?  “Do you know when she’ll be back?”  

“I don’t, unfortunately,” Madzie said.  “Are you sure I can’t help you though?  I might be young, but I assure you I’m more than capable!”  

Magnus squeezed the bridge of his nose, fighting off more tears.  “I have no doubt that you are, sweetpea.  I don’t need anything.  I’m just… Catarina is an old friend,”  He paused and wiped away the tears threatening.  “I’ll, I’ll call back another-” 

“Magnus?” Madzie whispered.  “Magnus, is that you…?” 

Magnus froze, realizing that he’d given himself away with the use of her childhood nickname.  He tightened his hand around the phone, his stomach lurching violently, his heart pounding hard enough to remind him just how much it ached.  

“Magnus!” Madzie snapped.  “If that’s you, tell me right now!”  

Magnus closed his eyes.  “Yes, it’s me,” he managed, the words too soft and gentle.  

“Stay right where you are,” Madzie ordered, casting a locator spell.  Her magic found Magnus in a second and she opened a portal without hanging up the phone.  She stepped through and stared at the figure in the middle of a room, books, papers, trash, and other things scattered around him.  “Magnus?”  

Hanging up the phone, Magnus turned to look at Madzie.  She looked like she was in her twenties now, a warlock beginning to come into her full powers.  Her gills were out and unglamoured and he ached at the sight of her, of how much of her growing up he’d missed. “Hey there, sweetpea.”  

“Magnus!” Madzie shouted, rushing at him, running through the mess surrounding him, crashing into his chest, hugging him tight.  “Magnus, you’re here, you called, you’re okay!”  

Magnus wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight, tears starting to fall into her hair.  He didn’t have to bend down to hug her anymore.  He could feel the well of magic inside her, surging up to meet his, like an old friend he hadn’t seen in decades.  “I’m okay,” he agreed, even though it was truthfully the last thing he was.  He hadn’t been okay since the day he walked out of all of their lives.  He’d abandoned so much more than just Alexander when he left, and Maryse was right.  He needed to make peace, with far more than just Alec.  

“We weren’t even sure if you were okay!” Madzie grumbled against Magnus’ black coat.  “Mom was so worried, she said normally she would hear from you at least once every few years!  It’s been more than forty, Magnus!”  

“I know,” Magnus whispered, even though he didn’t.  He had no idea how long and how far he’d run.  “Where’s, where’s your Mom?” he added, swallowing.  “Think it’s probably safe to tell me, right?”  

Madzie snorted and rolled her eyes, pulling back to look at him.  “She’s going to give me so much shit for getting to see you first, but she needed to go see Al-” she cut herself off and frowned.  “Oh.  No.  I can’t tell you.”  

“I don’t need protecting,” Magnus said, chastising her gently.  “If she’s with Alec, that’s fine.”  

Madzie scoffed and gave him a faint glare.  “Not about protecting you, Magnus.  Alec doesn’t need you crashing back into his life right now, he’s dealing with enough as-is.” 

Magnus reared back, staring at her in surprise.  “Wh-what?”  

“Seriously, Magnus?”  Madzie tossed her hair over her shoulder and huffed.  “Who do you think Alec called when you disappeared off the face of the fucking planet without a word, except to name your successor as High Warlock?  Who do you think has been training Alec to be a warlock for the last forty two years?”  

The reminder of what Alec was now, brought the pain back, fresh and awful.  Forty two years he’d been gone.  Almost half a century.  And Catarina had been teaching Alec to be a warlock, because he hadn’t been there to do it.  He sighed and shook his head.  “She shouldn’t have had to do that,” he murmured.  

“She was more than prepared to!  It was certainly featured enough in Alec’s back up plans!” Madzie snapped.  

Magnus blinked at her in confusion.  “Back up plans?”  

Madzie stilled and looked away from him.  “Forget I said anything,” she muttered, taking a deep breath.  “I’ll tell Mom I saw you.  Will you pick up the phone if she calls you back?” 

Magnus swallowed and nodded.  “I, I will.  I promise.  I’ve missed her.  I’ve missed you.”  

Madzie turned her eyes back to him, the smile slipping off her face.  “It took me a long time to understand, you know.” 

Magnus flinched, breathing hard.  It was the same knife, sinking into his heart again, keeping it bleeding.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  

“Alec helped,” Madzie continued, her voice soft.  “Alec was the one who reminded me, over and over, that you loved me, that you’d never stop, but that he’d upset you, and it was his fault you’d left.”  

Magnus met her eyes again and could feel fresh tears running down his cheeks all over again.  “Madzie…”  

“He used to cry,” Madzie continued, her voice gaining a thread of steel.  “When he’d apologize to me for driving you off.  Said over and over again it was his fault.  When I got a bit older and went to study at the Spiral Labyrinth he even stopped talking to me for more than a year, just to see if that would somehow get you to come back.”  

“Fuck,” Magnus breathed.  “Fuck, Madzie, I’m so sorry.  I never meant to abandon you, or Catarina.  I just…” 

“So you did mean to abandon Alec?” Madzie growled, glaring at him.  “You two were supposed to be happily ever after, remember?  You told me that at your wedding!”  

“I know,” Magnus managed to get out, the word choking him.  “But he wasn’t, wasn’t-” 

Madzie put her hands on her hips angrily.  “Wasn’t what?”  

“He’d never wanted to be immortal,” Magnus told her.  “When we first talked about it, he made it clear and-” 

“This might come as astonishing to you, Magnus,” Madzie growled.  “But people can and do change their minds!”  

Magnus sighed, pressing his fingers to his temples.  “Madzie, it’s more complicated than that, you need to understand-” 

Magic cackled, loud and angry around Madzie’s hands and she met Magnus’ golden eyes calmly when they snapped to her.  “Funny thing is, Magnus.  I’m not a child anymore.  I understand it now.  Because it boils down to something simple.  He wanted an actual forever with you.  You didn’t.”  She waved her hand and summoned a portal, shaking her head.  

“Madzie-” 

“Stay away from Alec,” she warned, pointing to him.  “What he’s doing is important and we need him.  I thought you might have changed, that you might want… something else.”  Madzie shook her head and sighed, offering him a sad smile.  “It is good to see you Magnus.  Don’t wait another fifty years, okay?”  

Magnus watched her step through the portal, and once again, it was dead quiet in the house.  Now, it felt oppressive rather than peaceful. He did his best to breathe, but the sound of it was too loud and too harsh in the quiet. He sank down onto the couch again and curled up. 

Tears tracked down his face. Was that what they all thought? That he hadn't wanted forever? Was that what they assumed when Alec hadn’t told them why he’d left? He barely managed to summon the parchment for a fire message, but he sent one to Catarina, asking her to call him. 

Maryse had been right. He needed to make peace with all of them. Then maybe, maybe they could start to move on. He clenched his eyes shut and ignored the tiny voice that told him forty two years hadn’t been enough time, so how long was it going to take to move past Alexander? 

~!~ 

“Magnus.”  

Magnus pressed his face into a soft pillow with a groan. He stretched in the sheets and opened one eye lazily when a finger slowly trailed down his arm and over the curve of his hip. “Good morning, Alexander.” 

“Good morning, beautiful,” Alec whispered, leaning in to kiss Magnus’ shoulder. “How are you feeling? Not too sore?” 

Magnus laughed and turned over in bed to face his husband, unable to keep from grinning. “I’m reasonably sure I should be asking you that question, darling.” He tilted his chin up for the soft kiss he knew would be coming and snuggled in closer. 

Alec laughed, wrapping an arm possessively around Magnus, pulling him in close. “Not sore enough to prevent me from spending the morning in bed with you,” he whispered. 

“Mmm, well,” Magnus said, tugging Alec into a lazy kiss. “That sounds like the best kind of morning to me!” 

“It’s with you,” Alec whispered, sliding his hand up to cup Magnus’ jaw. “That already makes it perfect.” 

For that comment alone, Magnus deepened the kiss, tightening his hold on Alec. He didn’t let Alec up for air until they were both panting, holding onto him tighter. 

“Hey,” Alec whispered. “You okay?” 

Magnus tightened his hold on Alec, staring at him frantically, something niggling at the back of his mind. “Don’t go.” 

“Go?” Alec asked with a smile. “Magnus, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, where I belong.” 

“Alec,” Magnus swallowed, clinging to his shoulders. “Alec, don’t go, please don’t go,” he whispered. “Not again, I can’t lose you again.” 

“You’re not gonna lose me,” Alec whispered, his voice quiet and certain.  “You’re never gonna lose me, Magnus. I love you. You hear me?” 

Magnus opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. Instead he met Alec’s worried hazel eyes, trying to soak up the love and concern there. He was going to leave, because they always left, they always left eventually, because who would want to stay? 

“I’m right here, Magnus. I’m right here. Breathe, love. I’m not going anywhere,” Alec whispered. “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” 

Magnus wanted to shout, to scream at him that nothing was going to be okay, never again. That he couldn’t leave, because who was he going to be without Alec to steady him? 

“Magnus!” 

Alec’s voice echoed once more and Magnus could feel the warm tug of his arms pulling away, his hazel eyes dark with betrayal. 

~!~ 

The piercing ring of his phone had him jolting upright and Magnus fumbled to answer it even as reality settled in. The dark, silent apartment mocked him, even as he lifted the phone to his ear. He clenched his eyes shut. 

“Hello?” he managed, his voice hoarse, not even bothering to look at who had called him. 

“Forty two years without a goddamn word and all you manage is a fucking hello? I ought to hang up on you right now,” Catarina growled. 

Magnus wanted to laugh, or cry. Maybe both. It felt so good to hear the familiar cadence of Catarina’s voice. “Madzie grew up,” he said instead, thinking of the young woman he’d seen earlier that afternoon.  

Catarina was silent for a long, long time before she forced herself to answer. “She did,” she agreed. “I wish you’d been there to see it.” 

Magnus swallowed and felt tears leak out of the corner of his eyes. “How’s-“ 

“Don’t even think about it,” Catarina snapped. “Don’t even think about asking after him, Magnus.” 

Magnus snapped his mouth shut and sighed. “I deserve that.” 

“If you even had an inkling of how much that boy loved you, you would say you deserve a thousand times worse,” Catarina growled. 

Magnus flinched. “Cat, please…” 

“Oh no,” Catarina said, tightening her hand around the phone. “No. I am thrilled to hear from you, Magnus, that you’re alive, that you seem to be okay. But I am not going to be here to listen to your woe is me routine. Not this time.” 

Laughing hurt and it made his chest ache. “Did he win you over already? Here I thought centuries of friendship might have meant something.” The words were cruel, and he knew it, especially by the sharp intake of her breath. 

“You are lucky I can’t leave right now,” Catarina growled. “Because I can’t decide what I’m angrier about - your bullshit insecurities that I would willingly beat out of you, or that you would dare imply that your friendship means less to me!” 

Magnus sighed, sagging back against the couch. “What do you want from me?” 

Catarina sighed again. “An apology would be great to start,” she offered. “But I don’t think you’d even know what to apologize for.” 

“You’d be surprised,” Magnus said with a snort. “I can guess.” 

“Can you?” Catarina snapped. “Did you guess that when all of us were furious with you for leaving him - that the only thing that kept his siblings and I from chasing after your stupid ass, was him?” 

Magnus was silent, his mouth going dry. 

“The first time he told me it was his fault and only his fault you were gone, I thought he was trying to give himself an excuse, something to blame himself for,” Catarina continued. “But he believed it. Still believes it. Has apologized a hundred, a thousand times over to all of us for being the reason you were driven out of our lives. By him.”  

When was he going to run out of tears? Magnus wiped frantically at his eyes. He shouldn’t have anymore at this point. 

“Do you know,” Catarina said. “He offered to leave. After the first year. To, to go away. So maybe you’d come back to the rest of us.” 

Magnus sucked in a pained breath. “Cat…” 

“Madzie stopped him. She begged him not to go,” Catarina continued. “He couldn’t do it to her, not after she’d lost you. So he found something to do, and focused all of his energy and attention to it.” 

“Why are you telling me all of this!” Magnus growled. “Why does any of this matter?” 

Catarina sighed, hanging her head, clutching the phone. “Because for you to run this far, this long, you have to have been hurting so badly I can barely imagine it, Magnus. For you to cut me out, completely, knowing I would never give up your location out of loyalty to you?” She wiped away a tear and sniffed. “I can’t imagine how badly you’re hurting.” 

Magnus clenched his eyes shut again, hot tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“I tell you all of this, Magnus Bane, my dearest friend in the entire world, because I see the only man I ever considered worthy of you, dedicating his immortal life to a passion of yours, because it’s the only piece of you he allowed himself to keep,” Catarina said, her voice gentling. “I tell you this, because I miss you, because I want you to come home, and because you’re hurting too.” 

“He gave up his entire life for me,” Magnus whispered, the words raw and aching.  “He did it without asking me, Cat. Without… without…” 

Catarina was quiet for a long time and then sighed. “I helped him, you know.” 

He’d guessed, over the years. That Catarina had had to be involved in Alec becoming a warlock. But to hear it confirmed, so easily, so blatantly… His heart ached. “Why?”  

Catarina laughed and shook her head. “I hate that you ask that question, Magnus. Not because I don’t know the answer, but because you don’t.” 

Magnus sighed. “Cat, please.” 

“Because if there was anyone who deserved their fairy tale happily ever after, forever? It was you. He knew that, wanted that for you, and so did I,” Catarina said. “So I helped him.” 

Magnus flinched. “You should have told me! He should have told me!” 

Catarina was quiet. “Do you want to know why I told him not to?” 

Shock rocketed through him and Magnus froze, suddenly cold despite the perfectly warm apartment he was in. His blood was ice in his veins. “You… you…” 

“I thought, if you knew what we were doing, you’d try to stop us. That you wouldn’t believe him when he said this was what he wanted,” Catarina said, her voice soft. 

“Of course I would have!” Magnus growled. “Of course I would have stopped you!” 

Catarina let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re proving my fucking point, Magnus. You believe yourself so undeserving of him and his love, you can’t begin to believe he would happily and willingly make that sacrifice for you!” She slapped her hand angrily against her thigh and stood up, pacing across her room. 

“I thought,” Catarina continued. “If he went ahead and did it, you’d understand it for the love declaration it was!” Her magic swirled around her in an angry wave and she fought for control. “Instead, you put him through a level of cruelty I didn’t think you were capable of, Magnus.”  

Magnus flinched again, his fingers tightening in the fabric of his jeans. His father would be proud. 

“Which, by the way? He still thinks he wholly deserved. He’s never thought otherwise,” Catarina snapped. “So yes, Magnus, please forgive me for being angry with you when I’ve watched Alec torture himself over the fact that he loved you too much.” 

A sob escaped before he could cover his mouth in time. This pain was nothing, nothing compared to when he had left. He should have just stayed away, left them all to their lives. They didn’t want him, and didn’t need him anymore. He should give them that, it would be the right thing to do. 

Catarina sighed and sank into a chair. “Magnus. Come home.” 

“You don’t need me,” he whispered. “Better to stay away.” 

“Alec needs you. And you need him, Magnus,” Catarina countered. “And I? I want you home. I want you to see Madzie accept her first High Warlock position in a decade or two.” 

Magic, wild and unfettered, started to leak from his fingertips, the flames chasing up his arms. Magnus swallowed, closing his eyes, losing himself to the familiar touch of magic under his skin. “Where is he?” he whispered. Where had Alec gone to hide? How far had Alec run? 

Catarina smiled sadly. “The only place that has ever felt like home to him as an adult. Brooklyn. I’ll text you the address.” 

Magnus could barely breathe through the pain of that revelation. Brooklyn? Alec had stayed where there were ghosts of them around every corner? Their favorite pizza place, coffee shop, and bistro. Did Alec still visit them? 

“And Magnus?” Catarina said, standing up. 

Magnus winced, hanging his head, waiting for the censure that he deserved. “Yes, dear friend?” 

“It’s okay to allow yourself to be happy. We all want that for you. Alec, especially,” she added, her voice soft. “You do deserve it. Whether you believe it or not.” 

Magnus swallowed, his throat working hard. “Madzie warned me to stay away from Alec.”  

Catarina snorted. “Of course she did. If I thought you were planning to hurt him, I would have done the same.” 

“How can I come back?” he whispered. “After everything, after all of it. How can I come back, Cat?” 

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” Cat quoted. “I’ll be waiting to see you take that step.” 

Magnus listened to the soft click of the phone and dropped his phone to the ground. His magic felt listless, uncomfortable under his skin, pulling and tugging at him. The dream from before lingered, the soft smiles and laughter and his heart ached. Even after forty years, every memory of Alec was as fresh and painful as it had ever been. 

A small chime of his phone had him glancing down. An address from Catarina. He squinted at it and frowned, placing the street in an instant. It wasn’t that far from where he’d lived, hell, he probably could have walked there in a matter of minutes. What was Alec doing living there? Why was he doing that to himself? 

~!~ 

“Shhh, Alec’s gonna notice!” 

“He’s pretty.” 

“Do you think he’s gonna come visit?” 

“I dunno, he’s been there for hours.”  

Alec put his hands on his hips and raised both his eyebrows. “What are the three of you up to?” He watched all three of the girls spin around to look at him, guilt obvious on their faces. 

“There’s a warlock across the street Mr. Alec!” Elle piped up, spinning back around to press against the window. 

Alec blinked, immediately a bit on edge as he approached.  “There is?  What’s he doing?”  

“Dunno,” Arianna said with a shrug.  “He’s been sitting there since this morning.  Keeps looking at our building.” 

Alec frowned.  “How do you know he’s a warlock?”  

Anna snorted, rolling her eyes, gesturing to the window.  “You telling me someone with that fashion sense isn’t a warlock?”  

Stepping up to the window with an eye roll for the teenager, Alec glanced out and froze.  A crackle of blue and brown magic ran down his arms and all the lightbulbs in the room burst, making Elle shout.  

“Sorry, sorry,” Alec muttered, reforming them with a quick wave of his fingers, even as he stared at the hunched figure of Magnus, sitting on a bench across the street.  “That was me.”  

“You okay, Alec?” Anna asked, turning to look at him with a frown.  “Do you know him?”  

Alec wanted to laugh, or cry, or maybe a combination of both, because there would never be a world in which he didn’t know the warlock sitting across the street.  “I do,” he managed, his voice hoarse, well-aware both Anna and Arianna were giving him looks.  “His name is Magnus Lig-” Alec cut himself off and took a deep breath. “Magnus Bane,” he admitted.  The stab of pain was familiar now and he offered the girls a smile.  

“Oh!” Elle said with a grin, turning to look up at Alec.  “The Bane & Lightwood Children’s Home!  That’s him!”  

“Yeah, Elle,” Alec said, his voice soft.  “That’s him.”  He turned to look at Arianna.  “Ari, could you, could you take Elle downstairs?”  

“Sure…” Arianna said, reaching out for Elle’s hand.  “Elle, let’s go downstairs and make sure the playroom is clean for when he comes in, okay?”  

“Okay!” Elle said cheerfully, skipping towards the door, her hooves clacking as she did.  “Can’t wait!”  

A harsh breath left Alec’s lips as soon as the door closed behind them and he was grateful for the silencing spell that Anna cast a moment later.  He clenched his eyes shut.  

“So that’s him,” Anna said, her voice matter of fact.  “Want me to tell him to fuck off?”  

“Language,” Alec managed, his voice weak.  “But yes, that’s him.”  

Anna huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.  “How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”  

Alec swallowed, it’d been so long and yet the pain still felt fresh, like it had happened only days ago.  “Forty two years?  Give or take a few weeks?”  

Anna sucked in a harsh breath.  “Fuck.   And I’ve never seen you date anyone…”  

Alec shook his head, giving her a small smile.  “My heart, for better or worse, will always belong to him, whether he wants it or not.” 

“Alec…” Anna whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.  “I can go talk to him.  Ask him to leave.”  

“No,” Alec said, taking a deep breath.  “If he’s here, it’s for a reason.  I might as well go see what it is.”  He smiled at her.  “Keep an eye on the little ones for me?”  

Anna huffed and nodded.  “Of course.  I’ll let Catarina know-” 

“I’m sure that’s who he’s here to see,” Alec said, shaking his head.  “I’ll bring him to her.”  

“Alec-” 

Alec shook his head again.  “Not right now, Anna.  Later, I’ll…” He took a deep breath, a spark jumping between his fingers before he clenched his hand into a fist, fighting for control, his voice going hoarse.  “I’ll ask you and Catarina to watch the little ones later.  It’ll be okay.  I’m sure he won’t stay long.”  

Anna watched Alec turn and head out into the hallway and looked back out at the man hanging his head, his shoulders slumped.  She looked up and closed her eyes.  “If anyone is up there listening.  Please.  Please don’t let him be hurt again.  Please.”   

~!~ 

Alec stared at the door, his heart pounding, the blood rushing in his ears.  He’d already put his glamour up and the uncomfortable feel of hiding his eyes still made them itch.  He pressed a hand to the door and took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders.  Magnus would just be here to see Catarina, that was all.  He could last long enough to get Magnus to her and then fall apart in the privacy of his room later.  

He wasn’t a coward.  He could open a door.  Face his… Face Magnus.  

Alec clenched his hand into a fist, fighting to control the squirming excitement of his magic under his skin.  He reached out and opened the door, stepping out onto the small porch.  Unbidden, his eyes drifted to the top floor of the building where Magnus’ loft used to be, but it was still dark.  The reminder that Magnus wouldn’t be staying, was only here for Catarina gave him enough courage to focus on where Magnus was sitting.  

Fuck.   It was like he hadn’t changed at all.  Black jeans, spiked hair, royal blue velvet jacket, necklaces and rings.  Alec forced himself not to look and notice that Magnus wouldn’t be wearing one ring in specific.  He glanced down at his hand and quickly glamoured the ring he was wearing before he strode across the street.  He stopped in front of Magnus and watched him tense, his whole body rigid.  

“You going to punch me too?” Magnus asked, his voice hoarse.  He deserved it, Alec’s anger, frustration, anything he wanted to do to him and more.  

Alec sighed and shook his head at the harsh mockery.  “Don’t be so dramatic.  Come on.  Catarina’s inside doing check ups.  The kids’ll want to meet you.”  

Magnus lifted his eyes, but Alec was already turning away from him.  He swallowed, forcing himself to his feet.  He looked up at the name of the building across from them and his heart, still bleeding, still aching, flinched in pain again.  The Bane & Lightwood Children’s Home.   What Alec had decided to dedicate his immortal life to.  What Madzie had said was important.   

He swallowed past the wave of pain every breath forced him through and pushed himself to his feet, following Alec across the street.  Magnus stopped at the base of the steps, watched Alec twist his fingers and key him into the wards, and seeing him wield magic so quickly and so easily made his own magic ache in return.  He hadn’t been the one to teach that, Alec had learned it elsewhere.  

Once they stepped into the house, the door shutting out the sounds of New York behind them, the shouts of children playing caught his attention and Magnus froze, staring down the hallway.  How many times had he imagined hearing similar noises in a home that he and Alexander had built?

“Magnus,” Alec called.  

Magnus snapped to attention, a shudder running up his spine at the sound of his name from Alec.  Forty-two years.   Forty-two years he’d gone without hearing Alec say his name, and now there was almost no emotion in it.  Like they didn’t have the history they did.  Like the sight of Alexander didn’t hurt every part of his soul.  He nodded and made himself follow Alec down another hallway.  

The soft sound of Catarina talking quietly to someone had Magnus stiffening.  Alec hadn’t said another word to him and the silence was oppressive, now that he was aware of it.  Magnus hunched his shoulders and stopped at the doorway when Alec stepped into the room.  

“Cat,” Alec said.  He smiled at her when she turned and then down at Max, wiggling on the table.  “You have a visitor.  If you’re done with Max I’ll take him and the kids into the yard.”  

Catarina hummed and finished running her magic over Max.  She turned to Alec and froze at the sight of Magnus standing in the doorway behind Alec.  Her eyes darted between the two of them, but the sight of Alec with his glamour up told her everything she needed to know.  “I, yes, Alec, that’ll be great.”  

“Max okay?” Alec asked, reaching out to draw the baby into his arms, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.  

“He’s doing great,” Catarina said, her voice soft.  She glanced at Magnus and the arrested expression on his own face and then back to him.  “Go ahead and take the kids outside.  I’ll be along shortly.”  

Alec nodded and turned, staying focused on Max to slip past Magnus.  “Let me know if he wants to meet the kids,” he called to her and lengthened his stride, blinking hard and fast as he moved through the house and towards the playroom.  

Magnus stared after Alec, at the way his shoulders hunched as he ran away and let his eyes fall shut, taking a shaky breath, before turning to Catarina.  “Cat, I-”  

“Come in and shut the door, Magnus,” Catarina ordered, casting a silencing spell around the both of them as he did.  She leaned back against the examination table, studying the sight of him.  

Magnus swallowed and looked up at her.  “How many kids are there?” he whispered.  

“Eight, now.  With the addition of Max,” Catarina said.  “He’s had as many as thirteen before.”  

“Thirteen,” Magnus repeated, the number seeming impossible.   “How does he find them?”  

Catarina sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.  “He’s built a reputation.  He started with all of the warlocks who were abandoned at Institute doors, or that were found abandoned by police.  Branched out from there.  The whole Downworld knows, now.”  Her eyes narrowed.  “Which you should know.”  

Magnus flinched at the reminder.  He’d run far enough that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to another warlock beyond the briefest interactions for ingredients or spells.  “So he takes them in…” 

“Gives them a home,” Catarina said, her voice quiet.  “Teaches them as much as he can.  Loves them.  Supports them.  Gets them set up with apprenticeships or parents.  Reaches out to me, or Madzie, if he needs help.” 

Another shaky breath and Magnus felt tears gathering in his eyes.  “The Bane and Lightwood Children’s Home?”  

“There’s a reason for that,” Catarina said.  She cleared her throat.  “But it’s Alec’s reason to tell, not mine.”  

“He hates me,” Magnus whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek before he could stop it.  “Cat, he hates me, and… and it hurts,” he breathed.  “I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”  

Catarina uncrossed her arms and strode across the room, wrapping Magnus up in her arms, pulling him in close as he started to cry harder.  She held onto him as he sobbed, rubbing his back carefully, gently, until he managed to cry himself out.  “He doesn’t hate you,” she whispered.  “He’s never hated you.  He doesn’t know how.”   

Magnus swallowed and pressed his face to the calm heartbeat he could feel in Catarina’s chest.  “Maryse said he changed,” he whispered.  “Tell me.”  

“Magnus,” Cat said, pulling back, magicking away the tear tracks under his eyes.  “You’re torturing yourself like this.  Stop it.”  

“Cat,” Magnus pleaded, tightening his hands in the soft shirt she wore.  “Please.”  

Catarina sighed.  “The both of you, so obsessed with hurting yourselves,” she grumbled.  “He’s… quieter, now.  More sedate.”  

Magnus grit his teeth against the immediate protest that wanted to escape.  Alexander had never, ever been someone he would have considered sedate.   He nodded and glanced to the door and the hallway, thinking of the man he’d seen.  

“The first few years were the hardest,” Catarina continued.  “I think he kept hoping, for, I don’t even know, now.”  She shook her head.  “We both expected you to run, in some way.”  

Magnus looked at her, his eyes wide and startled.  “What?”  

Catarina huffed and looked up at him.  “Magnus, do you think Alec didn’t know you well enough to know exactly how you would react when you found out?  He knew you were going to be upset, and angry with him.  We’d talked about it.  Extensively, even.”  

An uncomfortable feeling started to settle into his chest as he stared at her.  “You…” 

“I told him you’d probably run.  You’d run and take your space and try to process it all.  That someone would do that for you.  That your Alexander, would do that for you,” Catarina continued.  

Magnus flinched, hard, pulling his hands back and away from her.  

Catarina smiled faintly and reached out to tug him back into another hug, holding him tight.  “He didn’t care.  Said even if you ran for a year, or more, it’d be okay, because you’d have forever.”  She looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  “He didn’t tell me what happened.  As far as I know, he’s never told anyone.”  

Magnus clenched his eyes shut and exhaled hard, remembering the shouting, the way he’d ordered Alec to get out, the way he’d shoved him out, pushed him away.  He opened his mouth to answer, but the words weren’t there, the vicious, vile way he’d ordered Alec to get out.  

“All I know is that he called me a week later, asked if you were home, and when I told him I hadn’t heard from you in a week, he took Jace with him and he came back not wearing his ring,” Catarina continued.  “That’s the extent of what I know.  You’ll have to ask him for the rest.”  

“I should never have come back,” Magnus breathed.  Every word was more painful than the last, hearing what he’d broken, what he’d left shattered behind him.  “This was a mistake,” he added, shaking his head, stepping away from Catarina.  “There’s nothing for me here, you’re all, you’ve all-” 

“Magnus!” Catarina snapped, grabbing his arm, tightening her fingers so he wouldn’t break free.  “There is everything for you here!  A life!  Your friends, your family!  Your first and hopefully only husband, since you never bothered to take more than five minutes to sign the papers to divorce him!”  

Magnus stared at her, his eyes wide, his heart pounding as he watched her glamour flicker, showing just how much she was feeling in that moment.  

“If you think,” Catarina growled.  “For a single fucking second that I did not miss you every single day you were gone, you could not be more wrong!”  

Magnus clenched his eyes shut.  “I missed you too, Cat.  And Madzie, and…” he swallowed before he made himself say the name.  

“And Alec,” Catarina snapped.  When Magnus tensed, hunching his shoulders, she pressed in closer to him.  “And.  Alec.” 

“And Alec,” Magnus agreed, his heart pounding painfully with every beat.  

Catarina glared at Magnus.  “You going to abandon us, him again?  For the glamorous single life?  Go live it up until you find yourself on another bridge with none of us to stop you?!”  She pointed to the door, breathing hard.  “You going to confirm every awful thing he thinks about himself?  That he was the reason you left?  That it was, and still is his fault you don’t stay?”  

Magnus took a step back from her, wiping frantically at his eyes, his bleeding heart shattering one piece at a time.  “Cat, Cat please-” 

“No!” Catarina snarled, tears gathering in her eyes as she stared at her friend.  She stepped closer to him.  “He will leave if he thinks it means you’ll come back.  He will disappear.  He already does it once a year, and every single time he does it, I don’t know if he’s going to disappear forever!”  

Magnus stared at her, his eyes wide, taking that information in.  

Catarina took a deep breath, then another, reigning her magic back in.  “That boy,” she said, looking at Magnus, her voice much more level.  “Has never, ever, stopped hoping that you’ll come back someday.  As far as I know he’s never looked at another person, let alone tried to date anyone.” 

That knowledge felt crippling in a way the rest hadn’t.  But I want you to know, a part of him died when he realized you weren’t coming back.  He’s never been the same.  Maryse’s letter had said as much, in different words.  He swallowed again, sinking into the chair by the wall of the small office.

“I know why you left, Magnus,” Catarina said.  “I know you don’t think you deserve this, deserve him.  Hell, I know you’re scared.  Scared of a true forever.”  She sighed and pushed her fingers through her hair.  “But Alec has always surprised you at every single turn.  Every single turn.  Do you really think that wouldn’t continue to hold true?”  

Magnus sighed, dropping his face into his hands.  “What do you want from me, Cat?”  

Catarina knelt in front of the chair, reaching out to take Magnus’ hands, squeezing them.  “Tell me why you came back,” she ordered.  

“Maryse,” Magnus said, his voice barely a whisper.  “She…” he swallowed.  “Her last request was that I, I make things right.”  He couldn’t look at Catarina.  “Not, not get back together, just… make them right.”  

“Is that what you want?” Catarina asked, her voice softening.  “To tell Alec that you love him, but you’re not in love with him anymore?  To ask him to move on?  To try to find happiness?  To stop hoping you’ll come back?” 

A sob broke out of Magnus’ throat before he could stop it.  Is that what he wanted?  What was left for him then?  To someday, decades or centuries down the line, come across Alec and whoever had stolen that impossibly big heart of his for themselves?  To watch Alec be happy with someone else who wasn’t him?  He shook his head.  He couldn’t ever want that.  It was the worst kind of torture to imagine it.

Catarina smiled faintly and squeezed Magnus’ hands.  “Are you done running?”  

Magnus closed his eyes and imagined going back, to the faceless crowds, the parties, the drinking, to being so achingly alone.   He couldn’t do it anymore.  He opened his eyes and looked at Catarina.  “I’m done running,” he whispered.  

Catarina stood up and wrapped her arms around Magnus’ shoulders, hugging him tight.  “You’re home?”  

Magnus let himself cling to her, breathing hard for several long moments before he nodded again.  “I’m home,” he agreed.  He pressed in closer to her and hugged her just as tight.  “I’m home, Cat.”  

Magnus didn’t know how long Catarina let him stay there, curled in her arms before he finally pulled back and took another deep breath, trying to steady himself and the magic that was roiling in his whole body.  

“Come on,” Catarina said, holding out her hand.  “Want to meet the kids?”  

Magnus swallowed and took her hand, standing up slowly, taking a slow, painful breath.  “I, I don’t think Alec would want me to.”  

Catarina huffed and rolled her eyes.  “He offered before he left, remember?”  

“Right,” Magnus said quietly.  “I’d love to meet them.”  He looked down at himself and with a quick flick of magic, the tears were gone from his eyes and he smiled at her.  

“All right, come on.  Alec took them out back,” Catarina said as she dropped her glamour and led the way to the back.  

Magnus stared in surprise as Catarina dropped her glamour and walked out a back door without flinching, calling out a hello to the children as he froze in the doorway.  When was the last time he’d seen her so happy and unafraid to wear her glamour down?  He thought about Madzie, her gills out and on display and looked across the yard, his eyes catching on the tall figure standing amongst the kids.  

Alec was smiling and laughing at two of the little girls in front of him, and Magnus had to close his eyes and breathe through the pain at the sight.  He approached quietly, until he was standing within a few yards, and some of the kids were turning to look at him.  He glanced towards Catarina, but she was only smiling and watching from afar.  

Alec shifted Max easily in his arms, pressing another kiss to the top of the baby’s head.  “Stop staring, he’s not an alien.  Go introduce yourselves,” he teased, giving a few of the girls near him a small push.  

“Hi, I’m Elle!  I saw you watching us from across the street!”  

Magnus knelt down in front of the young girl, smiling at her legs on full display, holding out his hand for her to shake.  “Hello Elle, it’s nice to meet you.  My name is Magnus.”  

Elle beamed and shook his hand with both of hers.  “Magnus Bane, right?  Bane and Lightwood!”  

Magnus nodded, his mouth going dry.  “Yes, that’s me.”  

“Good!” she said, nodding back at him before she narrowed her eyes and studied him.  “Where’s your mark?”  

Magnus blinked in surprise.  “W-what?”  

“Mister Alec always says we should have our marks out when we’re home.  Because they’re us, and they’re beautiful!”  She shook one of her legs at him with a bright grin.  “House rules!”  

“Elle,” Alec interrupted, glancing at Magnus briefly, meeting her eyes when she turned to him.  “Magnus is a guest, he doesn’t have to, to do that.”  

Elle huffed and stomped one of her hooves in the ground.  “I wanna see!” 

Magnus looked up at Alec and caught him turning away at the last second.  His eyes were still hazel, no hint of his mark on display.  He looked back to the young girl in front of him who had a huge pout on her lips and smiled.  “House rules are rules,” he agreed seriously, dropping the glamour on his eyes between one breath and another.  

Elle squealed and leaned in close, staring at his eyes.  “Your eyes are so pretty!”  She bounced back to the others.  “Em!  Emily!  His eyes are gold!!”  

The approval of Elle was clearly enough to send the rest of them towards him and Magnus laughed, managing to introduce himself to all seven of the kids, even the aloof teenager who had glared at him.  Magnus watched as they started to run off, shouting and chasing each other, sparks of magic and puffs of smoke being used in the game.  

“And this,” Alec said, stepping forward, keeping his eyes on the baby in his arms.  “Is Max.”  

Magnus didn’t let himself get lost in the sight of Alec holding the baby cradled against his chest like he belonged there.  Instead he swallowed and stepped a little closer, reaching out to press a finger to one of the baby’s fists, watching as Max clenched down on his finger.  “Hello Max,” he whispered, reaching out to brush his fingers through a few wisps of dark blue hair.  “Aren’t you the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”  

A small noise from Alec had him glancing up, but Alec was looking away from him towards the kids.  Magnus focused back on the baby that had turned towards him and was holding out his chubby little arms.  He cleared his throat.  “Can I hold him?”  

Alec gave a jerky nod and carefully put Max into Magnus’ arms.  “Of course.”  He took a step back once it was done, and he met Magnus’ eyes before turning away.  “I, I should-” 

“Alec?” Magnus asked, interrupting him.  He watched Alec freeze, but Alec didn’t look at him, and he deserved that.  He looked back down to the baby in his arms.  “You have your glamour up.”  

“I,” Alec swallowed and took a hard breath.  “I thought it best.  I didn’t want you to have to see it again.”  He gave a wry and sad smile.  “I know how much you hate it.”  

Magnus’ heart sank and he blinked hard, keeping his attention on the baby in his arms.  Is that what Alec thought?  He sighed.  Of course it was, it was the only impression he’d given when everything had happened.  “I don’t hate it,” he admitted quietly.  

Alec gave a hoarse laugh and shook his head.  “You don’t have to lie, Magnus.  It’s all right.  I’ve, I’ve come to terms with it.  It’s okay.  I can keep them glamoured now.”  

Magnus felt his heart crack open in his chest at the resignation in Alec’s voice.  What had he done?  What the hell had he done to the both of them?  “Alec-” 

Alec held up a hand.  “No.  Seeing your reaction to them once was…” he managed a pained, slow inhale.  “Was enough for a lifetime.  I don’t need to relive it, Magnus.”  

Magnus watched Alec step away from him.  “Alec, wait, please-” 

“I’m gonna go,” Alec said with another shake of his head.  “Enjoy the time with the kids and Catarina.  She or Anna can show you out.”  

Magnus watched Alec stride away from him, his shoulders hunched and his hands stuffed in his pockets.  He blinked harder and tried to fight back the tears that were threatening all over again.  

“Oh Max,” he whispered, looking down at the baby.  “I don’t know if I can fix this.”  He closed his eyes.  He could remember the first and only time he’d seen Alec’s warlock mark perfectly, because it was what had broken everything.  

~!~ ~!~ ~!~ 

Magnus stared in shock at the bright blue eyes, a blue he knew better than any other in existence, too bright to be human, staring at him.  Dread settled deeper into his stomach.  “Alexander, what’s… what’s…” 

Alec gave a sheepish smile and shrugged.  “It’s my warlock mark.  I’ve been learning to glamour it.  I like your eyes better.”  

“Your…” Magnus couldn’t force the word out of his throat.  His hands shook.  

“Warlock mark, yeah,” Alec said, rubbing the back of his head.  “You don’t hate it, do you?” 

Magnus felt the world shattering around them like it had been a dream, unable to look away from Alec’s eyes.  He took a step back.  “Why?” he whispered.  “Why, Alexander?”  

“Why?” Alec blinked in confusion.  “What do you mean why?  Magnus, you have to know I want to spend-” 

“Get out.”  

~!~ ~!~ ~!~ 

“For fuck’s sake.  Stop standing there and go after him!”  

Magnus blinked back to attention and turned to frown, turning to the teenager next to him.  “Wh-what?”  

Anna tossed her hair over her shoulder, exposing the large silver scales running up one arm and her neck.  “Give me Max, and go after him!  Or are you going to stand there and stare longingly after him some more?”  

Magnus was barely aware of her taking Max from him and frowned at her.  “Anna-” 

“Listen, if you hurt him again?  I’ll kill you,” Anna said, smiling cheerfully as she rocked Max.  “Now go win him back!”  

Magnus wanted to laugh.  Alec couldn’t look at him for more than a few seconds, how was he supposed to have a conversation, let alone go about something like that?  “He doesn’t want me back,” he told her.  “Rightfully so, too.”  

Anna scoffed and rolled her eyes.  “You don’t talk about love the way he does and not want it back in your life.”  

“How…” Magnus glanced at her.  “How does he talk about it?”  

Anna looked towards the house and smiled faintly.  “Like it’s a fairy tale.  Full of juxtapositions, but so good you can’t help but want it in your life,” she said quietly, before giving him a side glance.  “Did he really kiss you for the first time at his own wedding?” 

Magnus closed his eyes and even now, he could feel the insistent press of Alec’s lips against his, the way they’d trembled slightly, even as the rest of him was calm and strong.  “He did.  In front of every important Clave official there was.”  

Anna laughed and shook her head.  “And you walked away from that?”  

Magnus chuckled sadly, blinking slow and shaking his head.  “Something like that.”  

“You’re an idiot,” Anna said, turning on her heel.  “His office is down the hall on the right.  Last door.  I’ll take care of the kids and dinner with Catarina.”  She pointed a finger at him.  “Fix what you broke.”  

Magnus watched her walk away and back towards the other kids and looked back towards the house.  He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders.  He had to at least try.  He’d promised Maryse that he would try to fix things.  

~!~ 

Alec clenched his eyes shut, wiping angrily at his face, hating the tears that had been threatening since he had first seen Magnus again.  He sank into the chair behind his office desk and forced himself to take a deep breath, running his thumb over the ring on his left hand, forcing himself to try and focus.  

Seeing Magnus again hurt.  Seeing him hurting was even worse.  

His name had never sounded more wrong, and Alec hated himself for wanting to hear Magnus say his name like he used to.  He hated how much he loved seeing Magnus hold Max, how much it made him remember, a lifetime ago, wanting a family with Magnus, wanting him so badly he’d given up everything he knew and risked it all…. 

“That’s enough,” he ordered himself softly.  “You have an incredible life, Alec.  You’re lucky.  You have friends, family, and kids.”  He took another deep breath and grounded himself by opening a drawer of his desk, pulling out a pen, summoning a money order, and the paperwork he needed.  He had no doubt that Magnus would try to talk to him before he left.  He just had to last a little bit longer and then he could fall apart and try, for the hundredth, thousandth time, to remember that Magnus had long since moved on from him.  

A knock on his door had him looking up and Alec knew it wasn’t one of the kids, because it wasn’t opened immediately afterward.  He waved a hand and the door opened to reveal Magnus who was blinking in surprise.  He stiffened and froze, remembering belatedly that he shouldn’t do that around Magnus.  “I’m sorry,” he said with a shake of his head.  “Come in.”  

Magnus stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.  Alec was sitting behind his desk and he looked around the office, smiling faintly.  It was warmer and more welcoming than the Head of Institute’s office, or even the Inquisitor's.  It was an office that children were in regularly, that had windows and crayon drawings and small toys in a corner.  He turned to tease Alec about it and the joke died on his lips as he met Alec’s tired and resigned eyes.  

“Here, this is for you,” Alec said, holding the money order out to Magnus.  

Magnus frowned and took it from Alec, frowning down at the check and the large number on it.  “What’s this?”  

Alec sighed.  “When I went to buy this place I hadn’t…” he swallowed hard and grit his teeth together before continuing.  “I was still using your name.  They paid using your account, they were so used to you buying property in the city, they didn’t even question it.”  He looked at it and then back down to the desk.  “This is the amount I owe you for this property.”  

“Why here?” Magnus asked, tightening his fingers around the money order, crumpling it.  “Within, within walking distance of the-” 

“It’s home,” Alec said, his voice soft.  “This won’t ever not be home to me.  It was the only place I could be.”  

Magnus took a pained deep breath, looking down at the piece of paper before setting it on fire.  “I don’t want your money, Alec.  I didn’t even notice it was gone, and I couldn’t…”  He trailed off before continuing.  “I couldn’t think of a better use for it.”  

“All right,” Alec said, looking down at his desk again.  “Thank you.”  

“Why is my name on the front?” Magnus asked, his voice hoarse.  “I don’t…” he shook his head.  “It shouldn’t be there.”  

“Shouldn’t it?” Alec asked, his voice mild as he leaned back in the chair.  “I got the idea because of you.  Wanting to make sure there were no other kids like you out there if I could prevent it. Give them a home, a place to learn, to grow, to be kids.”  He smiled faintly.  

Magnus closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, absorbing that.  “Alec-” 

“I’m sorry you had to see me when you came to visit Catarina,” Alec said, standing smoothly.  “Next time just let her know and I’ll make sure I’m not here.”  

Magnus sucked in a pained breath.  “You thought I didn’t want to see you?” 

Alec froze and glanced towards him, frowning, then shaking himself.  “I, of course.  You want to spend time with her.  She’s missed you.  So has Madzie.  Have you seen her yet?”  

“I, yes,” Magnus said, frowning as well.  “Briefly, but yes, I’ve seen her.  She grew up.”  

Alec smiled fondly.  “She did.  Knew you’d be proud of her.”  

“Of course I am.  I, I couldn’t be prouder,” Magnus said, watching Alec carefully, feeling off-kilter the longer the conversation went on.  “Alec.  Do you really think I didn’t want to see you?”  

Alec shrugged.  “Of course you don’t.  That’s why you didn’t know how to approach.  That’s why I went to get you, there’s no need for you to avoid Catarina or any of the others because of me, I’ll just make myself scarce.”  

Magnus’ mouth went dry as he listened to the quiet and matter of fact statements.  Catarina was right.   Alec’s certainty in where the blame for everything rested squarely on his shoulders and it made horror curl, deep and dark in his stomach.  He stared down at the floor, the wood that was scuffed from the play of children and warlocks. How did he even begin to start to untangle all of this?  

“I’m glad you’re safe,” Alec said, his voice quiet.  “Catarina and Madzie were worried.”  

Magnus’ head shot up and he stared at Alec, but Alec wasn’t looking at him.  He heard the implication loud and clear.  They hadn’t been the only ones worried.  Alec had been worried about him while he was… Guilt curled even tighter in his gut.  He had to say something, had to say something before it was too late and Alec kicked him out of his office.  

The silence had gone on between them too long, and Magnus knew he had to say something, fuck anything, had to figure out where to start, even if it was in the middle, but his tongue felt too big for his mouth.  His heart was pounding and felt so heavy in his chest.  Why did this have to hurt so badly?  Why did seeing Alec again make everything feel so much closer and so much more real?  

“I don’t hate your warlock mark!” Magnus blurted.  

Alec jolted, startled, turning to look at him.  “What?”  

Magnus clenched his hands into fists and sucked in a hard, desperate breath.  “I never hated your warlock mark.  Not ever.  It, it startled me, because I wasn’t expecting it, but it’s you , Alec.  Of course I don’t hate it.”  

Alec furrowed his brow and shook his head with a sigh.  “Magnus, whatever you think you need to-” 

“Alec,” Magnus interrupted.  “I’m sorry.  I’m, fuck, I’m so sorry.”  

Alec sighed and leaned back against the bookshelf behind his desk.  “Apology accepted, Magnus.  There, now you can stop feeling like you have to, to do whatever Catarina has talked you into.” 

Magnus narrowed his eyes, watching Alec walk behind his desk again.  It wasn’t just Catarina that had been right.  Maryse had been too, and his heart kept breaking at the realization of just how deep a wound he had given Alexander.  “You think she put me up to this?”  

“It’s her or my Mom,” Alec said, sinking into his desk chair.  “My Mom dies, Catarina and Madzie come over, and then suddenly you’re back a week later.  Didn’t take more than a minute to put two and two together, Magnus.”  He looked up at Magnus and smiled sadly.  “I’m glad you met the kids. Catarina’s told them stories about you.  But whatever guilt is keeping you here, has you standing there, looking like that, I forgive you, Magnus.” 

“Is that it then?” Magnus asked, his voice hoarse.  “Is that how it all ends?”  

Alec’s voice went low and vicious.  “Things ended forty-two years ago when you threw me out of my home without letting me finish a fucking sentence, Magnus.  Don’t throw that back on me.”  

Alec’s anger was exactly what he wanted, and it felt like cauterizing fire against the raging pain of his heart.  “And I’m trying to apologize for that,” Magnus snarled back.  “I’m trying to tell you I fucking panicked!”  

“Panicked,” Alec scoffed.  “And instead of trying to talk to the person you claimed to love at the time, instead of saying you needed space to process, instead of any, any kind of response that-” 

“That you could plan for?” Magnus cut in, his voice scathing.  “Madzie let it slip that you had plans , Alec. So sorry I couldn’t fucking predictable enough for you.”  

Alec flinched and he clenched his hands into fists.  “Get out, Magnus.  If you want to see the kids, contact Catarina.”  

“Fine,” Magnus snapped the word, yanking the office door open.  He froze at the sight of Ragnor standing in the hallway.  

“Don’t lie to Catarina, Magnus,” Ragnor warned.  

Magnus sucked in a hard breath, staring at his friend.  “Wh-what…” he whispered.  

“You’re running again.  You promised her that you were done running,” Ragnor said.  “Stop running from them, Magnus.”  

“They’re better off without me,” Magnus murmured.  Behind him he heard Alec call his name but he stayed focused on Ragnor, on the way his face softened and his friend walked closer.  

Ragnor smiled sadly.  “Oh my dear friend.  Don’t believe that lie.  It’s the lie that let you run for the last forty two years.” He stepped closer and stopped right in front of Magnus.  “They are not better without you, and you are not better without them.”  

Magnus sucked in a breath, blinking hard.  He wanted to bury himself into Ragnor’s arms, hug him until the ache of his heart had subsided, but Ragnor’s image was already starting to fade.  

“They need you, Magnus.  And you need them, my dear friend.  It’s time to stop running,” Ragnor reminded him.  

In between one blink and another, Ragnor was gone and Magnus was standing in the doorway of Alec’s office, one hand on the doorknob, about to walk out of his life forever.  He blinked again and turned to look at Alec who was standing up behind his desk, his face twisted in concern.  

“Magnus?” Alec asked again, walking around the desk.  Magnus looked like he’d seen a ghost, his skin was pale, and he was trembling a little.  “Magnus what’s wrong?”  

“I don’t want to leave,” Magnus said, his voice soft as he turned to look at Alec.  The rest of his anger drained out of him and he shut the door again, separating them from the house.  “I’m so tired of running, Alec.  I’m so tired of being scared.”  

Alec blinked in surprise and stared at Magnus, watching as he deflated, his whole body slumping as he sank into one of the armchairs in front of his desk.  

“I hate that I don’t remember what your hugs feel like,” Magnus whispered, a tear slipping down one cheek.  “I try, I try to remember, and I can’t, because no one ever gives hugs like you do.”  Another tear.  “I don’t remember how you take your coffee, Alec,” he breathed, the thick, sludgy feeling of horror curling deeper in his chest as he stood up and began to pace.  How had he forgotten?  How had he let Alec start to slip away from him?  

“Magnus, breathe,” Alec ordered, watching blue flames start to curl up Magnus’ arms, wild magic sparking around him.  

Magnus stared at Alec, his eyes wide, tears starting to fall in earnest now.  “I remember some things,” he said, feeling his hands tremble.  “I remember what holding your hand feels like.  I remember what kissing your smile tastes like.” He sucked in a harsh breath.  He felt lightheaded, his magic roaring in his ears and through him, spurred on by the panic and pain curling tighter and tighter in his chest.  

“I remember, I remember your smile… when you first woke up and it was like…” Magnus trailed off, his eyes far away.  “It was like watching my own private sunrise.”  

Alec stepped around his desk, striding towards Magnus.  “Magnus, you have to breathe, you’re having a panic attack.”  

“I can’t forget you,” Magnus whispered, staring at Alec, his chest heaving as the weight got heavier, tears streaming down his cheeks.  “I can’t forget the most important person in my life.  I can’t forget anything about you, because I lost you because I was scared, and all I have are memories, and I can’t remember, I can’t remember all of it, they’re fading, I can’t let them, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t lose you, I can’t, Alec, I can’t!”  

“Magnus!” Alec growled, reaching out to cup Magnus’ face in his palms, pulling him in closer.  Magnus’ magic exploded out of him and he barely had enough time to throw up wards to protect the house and his office, praying that the magic wouldn’t attack him.  He grabbed Magnus and wrapped him up in his arms and held on tight as the magic raged around them both.  

~!~

Magnus surfaced slowly, blinking awake through a fog his mind had decided to be caught in.  He was warm, and comfortable.  He blinked again, reaching up to rub his eyes, trying to breathe, his chest aching.  Things were starting to come back into focus.  The walls were such a pleasant blue color.  The crown moulding was a nice touch.  It looked classic.  Magnus forced himself to take stock.  His magic was aching the only way it was after a major magic depletion, but what had happened?  

On the bedside table, there was a glass of water and Magnus took it gratefully, sipping at it, glancing around the room again.  The sound of a door had him startling and sitting upright, barely keeping the glass from spilling as he belatedly realized he was in a bed, tucked under the covers.  When Alec looked at him, Magnus squirmed and looked down at his glass of water, lifting it to take another sip.  

“How are you feeling?” Alec asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Magnus.  

“I’ll repair anything I destroyed,” Magnus said, his voice as short and raspy.  The irony of that statement made breathing desperately hard for a few seconds.  He sipped more water.  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to lose control like that, I don’t-” 

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted, snapping his fingers to refill the glass Magnus was holding.  “How are you feeling?” 

Magnus swallowed.  “Wrung out.  Exhausted, truthfully.” His eyes fell shut and he shuddered. “I’m so tired, Alec.” 

Alec nodded. “You can stay here as long as you need. Rest, recover. Whoever is waiting for you at home can-“ 

“There’s no one,” Magnus interrupted, a hoarse laugh escaping him. “There’s never been any, anyone of substance. Not after you.” His hands trembled the minutest amount as he put the glass back down on the bedside table. “I don’t deserve anyone.” 

Alec sighed and reached out to take Magnus’ hand, giving it a brief squeeze. 

Magnus stared down at Alec’s hand, wrapped so carefully around his and felt more tears spring to his eyes. He swallowed hard. “Alexander-“ 

“I hate that you actually believe that,” Alec interrupted. “That you don’t deserve anyone.” He sighed again. “And yes. I had plans. Dozens of them.” Looking down at their hands, he took a deep breath. “But they weren’t what you think.” 

Magnus couldn’t look away from their hands, how good Alec’s felt. How had he lived without this for so long? The gentle steadiness and certainty. “Tell me.” 

“Most of them involved me learning how to be a warlock,” Alec said. “Catarina, at her insistence, was always the fallback for that.” He rubbed his thumb slowly, carefully, along the back of Magnus’ hand. “We knew you’d run in some way, shape or form. We both did.” 

Magnus flinched, trying to pull his hand away, but Alec held on until he stopped trying. He twisted his hand and threaded his fingers through Alec’s, squeezing his hand gently. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Every single one of those plans involved me waiting you out,” Alec said with a deep sigh. “It didn’t matter how long it would take, because I had time, now.” A small chuckle left him and he wiped his cheek. “Forty two years might have been a bit longer than I expected.” 

The guilt and pain in his heart was as heavy as it had ever been. Magnus shook his head. “You should have, shouldn’t have waited, Alec, you deserve-“ 

“I told you,” Alec said, his voice calm, quiet. “I told you, Magnus. That I didn’t think I could live without you. That hasn’t changed. That has never changed, except that now I don’t think it’s true, I know it is.” He took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly, noisily. “I found a way to survive, though. And that, that had to be enough.” 

Magnus leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Alec’s arm, a sob breaking off in his throat. He’d broken them both so badly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know that won’t ever be enough, Alexander, but I’m so sorry.” 

“I know,” Alec whispered, shifting to press his face against Magnus’ hair. “I know, Magnus. I’ve always known.” 

Magnus forced himself to keep breathing, still holding onto Alec’s hand too tightly. His magic ached, even as he felt panic rising in his chest. What was he going to go back to if he left this? What was left for him in the world? 

“Can I show you something?” Alec asked, whispering the words against Magnus’ hair. “Before, before you go again?” 

Swallowing down the response that he was never going to leave again, because how could he say that? That wasn’t what Alec wanted. Magnus nodded. “Of course.” 

Alec nodded and stood up and didn't let go of Magnus’ hand, helping him to climb out of bed. He led the way to the other end of the bedroom and summoned a portal. “Come on,” he coaxed. 

Watching Alec summon a portal with the same gesture he’d been using for centuries was… Magnus didn’t know what to feel. He exhaled hard and let Alec tug him through the portal and stepped into a small house. A quick glance to Alec was enough to tell him how worried he was. 

“I,” Alec swallowed. “Catarina probably told you that sometimes I go...away. Sometimes.” 

“She did,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec’s hand again. “She’s afraid one day you won’t come back.” 

“Early on,” Alec said, hunching his shoulders. “Those first few years. I didn’t want to. Was harder than I ever thought it’d be. But, I did.” He took a deep breath. “And now I’d never leave the kids.” 

Magnus nodded. He knew that, just from spending an afternoon with them. Alec would never leave them. Not anymore. 

“This is where I go,” Alec said, his voice quiet. “Don’t...don’t hate me too much for it, okay? I...please.” 

Magnus glanced around the rather nondescript house and opened his mouth to say there was no reason to hate him when the glamour started to melt away. He tensed and his breath caught, turning to look Alec. 

“I,” Alec winced. “I don’t have an excuse. But this was the only place I could go to, to let myself mourn for what I’d lost, what I’d broken.” 

It was the loft. His loft.  A perfect replica.

Even more than that, it was the loft the day before everything had fallen apart. He recognized the flowers on the coffee table. Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand again before stepping away, into the middle of the room.  He could feel Alec’s magic, soaked into the space, keeping it exactly as it was, frozen in time. But everything he’d taken from the loft was here. His dresser, the weapons rack, all of it was here.  

“Magnus?” Alec whispered, taking a hesitant step towards him. “Please...please say something? Before you go?” 

Every nerve ending around his heart felt raw and frayed. Magnus turned to look at Alec and swallowed. “Why, Alec? Why is this here?” 

“I didn’t…” Alec took a shaky breath. “I didn’t ever want to let myself forget what I’d broken. What my decisions had cost me. I didn’t want to forget what I’d had...once.” 

Magnus wiped at his eyes and continued to stand in the middle of the room, imagining Alec here, torturing himself, year after year. Because of what he had done. “Why,” he whispered. “Why did you want to show me this?” 

Alec looked down at the floor and sighed. “Because I want you to know that this was the happiest time in my entire life, immortal or otherwise. And I never want to forget it. Never.” 

Magnus trembled, his whole body shaking under the weight of the devotion he simply did not, and could never deserve. He turned to look at Alec, but the other warlock wasn’t looking at him. “You really did want forever, didn’t you?” he whispered. 

“Of course I did,” Alec said with a helpless shrug. “Of course I did,” he repeated, softer this time. 

Magnus stared at Alec, and waited. But Alec didn’t move, didn’t say anything further. After a few more precious moments, he realized why. Alec was waiting for him to leave. He was standing there, braced for a blow he knew was coming, because Alec thought he was going to leave again. 

It took a second to make the decision and Magnus smiled faintly. The journey of a thousand miles did indeed begin with a single step. Magnus stepped closer to Alec and reached out, taking his hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze and met Alec’s surprised wet eyes when they flew up to his. “My turn,” he said, his voice soft. “Come with me, Alexander?” 

Magnus waited for the almost surprised look before he opened a portal and took a deep breath, leading Alec through it.  He felt Alec stiffen as soon as they landed and tightened his hand around Alec’s.  “Wait,” he ordered, his voice soft.  He stepped away from Alec and into the center of the loft.  He left footprints in the dust as he walked to the center of the room.  He gathered magic in his palms.  

“Don’t push yourself,” Alec said, reaching out, taking a step forward.  “You drained yourself earlier.”  

Magnus smiled.  “I won’t, don’t worry,” he promised, clapping his hands together, a boom echoing through the empty apartment before he dropped to the floor, moving the loft into its rightful spot. The only place it had ever truly belonged.  With another pulse of magic, the dust and cobwebs were gone, the furniture was clean and gleaming and the windows were open - the sound of New York in the distance flooding in.  He took a deep breath, and for the first time in decades, the pain around his heart lessened.  Just a little.  

“Magnus?” Alec asked.  

The fear in Alec’s voice was still there, but now, now Magnus could hear the faintest hint of something beneath the fear and he turned to look behind him at Alec and smiled.  He held out his hand and waited, his heart pounding.  When Alec took his hand, a few seconds later, Magnus felt his heart stutter, and beat without pain for the first time in forty-two years.  He led the way to the balcony, tugging Alec carefully with him.  Once they were there, Magnus looked and found Alec’s new home easily, smiling faintly at the front door.  

“Magnus?” Alec called again, squeezing his hand.  

Magnus looked down at their hands and then back up to Alec.  “I’m home,” he whispered.  

Alec’s breath caught and his eyes widened.  His eyes flew between the loft and the front door of his home before back to Magnus, who was staring up at him.  A sound escaped his mouth and he covered it desperately with his free hand, his shoulders starting to shake.  

Magnus turned to face Alec properly, refusing to let go of his hand, watching as a single tear, then another, escaped from Alec’s clenched shut eyes as he breathed hard into his fist.  His own heart felt as fragile as freshly spun sugar.  “Alexander.”   

A sob escaped before Alec could stop it, tears running in earnest down his cheeks again.  He pressed his knuckles tighter to his lips and tried to breathe.  

“Look at me, Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice quiet.  

Alec shook his head, clenching his eyes shut harder.  “Can’t,” he managed, forcing the word out.  “Can’t.”   

Magnus would have been worried if it wasn’t for the vice grip Alec had on his hand.  He reached up and cupped Alec’s cheek in his palm, carefully rubbing away the tears that were falling hot and heavy.  “Please, Alexander,” Magnus whispered.  

Alec blinked his eyes open, well-aware his glamour was down and braced himself as best he could, his breath caught in his chest and his heart pounding like it hadn’t in decades.  

Magnus didn’t look away, dropping his own glamour instantly, taking in every shade and hue, unable to look away.  “Alexander, they’re beautiful.  You’re beautiful.”  

Alec laughed, blinking hard, even as more tears fell.  “Using my own line on me is cheating, Magnus.”  

Magnus smiled faintly.  “It worked on me, didn’t it?” he asked, rubbing his thumb over Alec’s jaw.  

“Lacking some originality though,” Alec managed, nuzzling into the touch of Magnus’ hand.  

“I suppose that’s true,” Magnus allowed, smiling faintly.  “How about this then?”  He wiped away another tear, gently, carefully.  “I could never hate any part of you, Alexander.  Especially when I know that color better than almost any other.”  Lifting Alec’s hand he was still cradling, Magnus pressed a kiss to the back of it and let his magic spark along Alec’s skin.  “The color of my magic, as your warlock mark?  I had thought it impossible to love the sight of something so much.”  

Alec froze, his whole body going still as he stared at Magnus.  “You don’t hate it, them?” he whispered. 

“No, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, letting go of Alec’s hand so he could carefully wipe away the tear tracks on the other side of his face.  “I could no sooner hate a part of you than I could you,” he added.  He pulled Alec’s head down and kissed his forehead, soft and gentle, holding on as Alec started to cry all over again, wiping away his tears.  

Alec reached out and put his hands on Magnus’ waist, sliding them under his jacket like he’d never forgotten the motion, settling on his hips, trying to breathe through the gentleness.  He didn’t deserve it after everything he’d done.  Even still he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into Magnus’ hands.  “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you,” he breathed.  

“I’m sorry for how I reacted,” Magnus murmured, still stroking Alec’s cheeks like he couldn’t bear to let go.  “I’m sorry for running.”  His heart was pounding for an entirely different reason now and he wanted nothing more than to have Alec wrap him up in his arms until neither of them hurt any longer.  He moved a little closer and smiled faintly at Alec.  

“I miss you so much, Magnus,” Alec’s voice was barely a whisper between them, Magnus’ hands on his face the only keeping his magic and his heart grounded.  “I miss you so much I can barely breathe around it some days.  I, I didn’t think I’d have to do this without you…” 

Magnus made an executive decision and moved, not letting the hurt flare in Alec’s eyes for more than the briefest of seconds before he had his shadowhunter wrapped up in his arms, pulled close, Alec’s face against his neck.  “I’m late,” Magnus whispered against Alec’s neck, holding onto him tightly.  “And you might not want me here anymore-”  The idea was so painful he could barely force the words out of his lips  “-but I’m here now, Alec.  And I’m not leaving again unless you tell me to.”  

Alec’s arms were so hesitant to wrap around him, Magnus was almost afraid that Alec was going to tell him to go.  But then he was pulled tight against Alec and they clung to each other.  Magnus hid his face in Alec’s shoulder and let the tears come, holding onto Alec as he felt hot tears against his neck.  After several long minutes, he knew Alec’s neck would be hurting from the awkward position and he pulled back, freezing when Alec’s arms abruptly tightened around him.  

“I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus whispered, wrapping his arms around Alec in another tight hug.  “But I know you get a crick in your neck if you stand like this for too long.”  

“Worth it,” Alec breathed, nuzzling into Magnus’ neck.  He sniffled and cleared his eyes with a quick wave of his fingers.  He frowned a little and held onto Magnus tighter.  “Did you change your shampoo?”  

Magnus laughed sadly and nodded.  “I had to.  I couldn’t...it always reminded me of you.  Was torture.”  

Alec nodded and swallowed hard, tightening his arms around Magnus.  “I’m sorry.”  

“Don’t apologize for that, it’s hardly your fault,” Magnus whispered, leaning into Alec’s arms with a small sigh.  When Alec did eventually pull back with a wince and a quick flash of magic at the back of his neck, Magnus couldn’t help leaning into his space again, pressing his face against Alec’s heart, listening to the steady heartbeat.  When Alec’s arms came around his waist, Magnus nestled in closer with a small whimper at the feel.   He’d forgotten.  He’d forgotten how gently Alec held him.  Like he was valuable.  Like he meant something.  

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, resting his head against Magnus’. “I want you to stay.  Please stay.  Please, please don’t go away again.”  

Magnus nodded and held onto Alec all the tighter.  “How do you feel about me helping to teach your little brood of warlocks?”  

Alec’s laugh burst out of him and he grinned through the tears.  “As long as you include me in that brood, I think we have a deal.”  

“I can do that,” Magnus whispered.  “I promise I can do that, Alexander.”  A thought occurred and he smiled, pulling out of Alec’s arms, grinning up at him.  “Wait right here for me?”  

Alec nodded.  “Won’t go anywhere.”  

Magnus smiled at him and hurried back into the loft, heading for the bedroom.  There, resting on his bureau, exactly where he’d left it.  He trailed his fingers over the box and took a deep breath, opening it.  His eyes immediately went to the matching rings and the omamori, kept safe and protected by the magic surrounding the box.  He lifted them out, carefully and put both rings onto the same chain as the charm and strode back out to the balcony.  

Alec was there waiting for him, and Magnus didn’t miss the way the tension drained away from his shoulders when he re-emerged.  He took a deep breath and stepped in close to Alec again.  “I have something for you.”  

“You do?” Alec asked with a frown.  

Magnus took a deep breath and opened his hand, showing the charm and the rings to Alec.  He watched Alec tense, and he cleared his throat, waiting for Alec to look at him.  “I’m not asking you to take them back.  Nor am I asking you to wear it again.”  

Alec blinked in confusion, staring at Magnus.  “Then…why…” 

Magnus took a deep breath and took the chain, carefully, and lifted it up and over Alec’s head, watching as the charm fell to rest against his breastbone, the two rings clinking quietly together. He reached out and pressed his palm to them.  “The day that you believe that I’m not going to leave again, if you…” Magnus swallowed and forced himself to look up at Alec.  “If you still want me to wear that ring, you can give it back to me then.”  

Alec stared at Magnus, his breath catching in his chest.  “And, and, we can…?” 

Magnus smiled at him.  “If that’s what you want, Alexander.  I’ll give you anything and everything.  For…” he took a shaky breath and met Alec’s eyes again, his voice strengthening.  “For as long as you want.” 

Alec leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.  “I love you,” he whispered.  Because no matter what else, that needed to be said, to be put on the table between them.  

“I love you too,” Magnus whispered back to him.  “I promise never to give you reason to doubt it again.”  

“That sounds good,” Alec said, relaxing as he pulled Magnus into his arms again.  “Really good.”  

Magnus tightened his arms around Alec’s waist and nodded.  It did.  In fact, it sounded almost as perfect as he could have ever dreamed.  

~!~ 

A peel of laughter from the backyard echoed in the playroom, followed by shouts and the sound of splashing.  

Catarina raised her eyes at Madzie.  “What on earth are they getting up to?”  

“Well if you think I’m not going to find out, you’re sadly mistaken Mom!” Madzie announced, striding for the door to the porch.  

Catarina snorted and watched her hurry out into the backyard.  Her eyes trailed over the playroom, softening at the sight of multiple pieces of jewelry, both fake and real, scattered around the room along with several shirts and jackets that she happened to know were rather priceless.  She shook her head and followed Madzie out the back door only to burst out laughing at the sight of her daughter, soaked to the bone, her eyes wide as she stared at the complete carnage in front of her.  

“That!” Alec said with a viciously satisfied grin on his face.  “Is what you get for messing with the guy who has water magic!”  He made sure Emily was carefully balanced around his shoulders before conjuring another ball of water.  “Isn’t that right First Mate?”  

“Aye Aye Captain!” Magnus said with another laugh, Elle and Dominic wrapped up under his arms, both of them laughing wildly, soaked and in swimsuits.  “I think we need to make these two walk the plank!”  He deposited the both of them at the edge of the diving board.  “Off the plank and into the sea with you!”  

Catarina watched both of the kids bolt down the length of the diving board and go canonballing into the pool with shouts of glee, followed abruptly by Emily, who had been let down from her high perch.  The rest of the kids gave a cheer from the pool and commenced trying to drunk each other.  Her eyes drifted back towards Magnus and Alec, who were leaning against each other, not-so-subtly checking each other out every few seconds.  

“I am going to kill both of you!” Madzie growled.  With a quick snap she was dry and striding towards them.  “You dropped a giant water ball on my head!”  

Alec grinned at her.  “You looked like you needed to cool off.”  

“Mazzie!” Dominic shouted from the pool.  “Come play!”  

Madzie paused halfway to Alec and looked over at the pool and then back at her Mom.  “We’re supposed to…” 

“Go ahead,” Catarina called, listening to the kids cheer.  “I’m sure Oberon will forgive you if you tell him you were spending the day with the kids.”  

Madzie grinned, bright and wide, snapping herself into a swimsuit before diving into the pool.  

Magnus gave Alec a nudge with his shoulder.  His eyes dropped to the omamori and rings he could see through the white poet shirt Alec was wearing and cleared his throat, smiling at him.  “Go play with the kids Captain.  I’ll tidy up.”  

“You sure?” Alec asked, looking back at Magnus.  Golden eyes were smiling back at him and his heart skipped a few happy beats.  

“Go,” Magnus said with a grin.  “I know they love you tossing them around in the pool.”  He watched Alec give him a wink before he ran towards the pool, ditching his shirt on the way.  Magnus turned back to the yard and put his hands on his hips, waving his hands to collect the popped balloons and pushed excess water back towards the gardens.  He hummed as he worked, smiling when Catarina’s gentle magic joined his.  

Once the yard was cleaned again, he waved her towards the house, knowing she wanted to take a few minutes of peace before she was inundated with the kids.  Magnus approached the pool and leaned against one of the nearby trees, watching as Alec tossed both Em and Emily into the pool, their squeals of glee echoing loudly.  

Four months and he couldn’t ever remember being this happy.  The sound of the back door had him looking up and Magnus smiled at the sight of a squirming Max in Catarina’s arms.  

“Someone was very miffed that his favorite person was not there to wake him up,” Catarina teased, offering the baby to Magnus.  

“Miffed?” Magnus gasped, giving Max an eskimo kiss.  “Miffed at Catarina?  Now, Max you know better than that.”  When the baby pouted and blew a raspberry at him, Magnus dissolved into giggles, hugging him close.  “Well, I’m here now my little blueberry, so no more pouting.  Those are lethal and we save them only for the most dire of circumstances, understand?”  

Alec held up his hands for a break from the kids and put his hands on the edge of the pool, about to pull himself out of the water when he caught sight of Magnus swaying with Max, talking to him softly.  His heart tightened painfully in his chest and he couldn’t breathe.  Magnus’ shirt was long gone, only a long belt with a pretend sword slung over a shoulder, and his hair was half-matted down by water, not wearing a stitch of makeup, and his glamour was down.  

“Go on,” Anna said with a hard poke to Alec’s shoulder.  “Stop undressing him with your eyes and go make a move.”  

Alec swallowed hard, glancing at her.  “Anna-” 

“Four months, Alec.  He’s been here almost every single day,” she said quietly.  “The only reason I think he’s not here every day is that he doesn’t want to seem desperate or clingy.”  

“I know,” Alec whispered.  

Anna poked him again.  “Then go kiss him already.”  

Magnus turned towards the pool again and saw Anna and Alexander watching and helped Max wave.  “Look Max, it’s some of our favorite people!  Alexander and Anna!”  

Alec sucked in a painful breath, the sight of Magnus grinning, bright and happy, golden eyes on full display, Max curled happily in his arms.  

“Alec,” Anna ordered.  “Go.”  

Pulling himself out of the pool, Alec watched Magnus’ eyes dip to his chest for the briefest of seconds before Magnus was meeting his eyes again with a rueful smile.  Alec grinned, striding towards them.  There were some things that hadn’t changed, and he’d been more than a little relieved that was one of them.  

“Aren’t you looking like a tempting god of afternoon fun,” Magnus teased, grinning up at Alec.  “Done tossing the children across the pool?”  

“Yeah, for now,” Alec agreed.  There’d been a time where he’d thought Magnus would never grin at him like that again, would never look stupidly happy, holding a warlock baby in his arms.  He dropped his eyes to Magnus’ lips and then back up to his eyes, watching Magnus’ smile gentle and soften.  

“Magnus?” Alec asked, his voice hoarse.  

“Hm?” Magnus offered, meeting Alec’s eyes again with a smile.  He was going to enjoy remembering the sight of Alec wet and almost shirtless for a long time later.  

Alec took a deep breath and reached for the chain of the omamori charm on his neck, lifting it off carefully.  His heart was pounding and he focused on getting the clasp undone before he looked back up at Magnus again, taking in his wide eyes.  He held it and the ring that belonged to him out to Magnus, willing his hand not to shake.  “It’s always been yours.”  

Magnus swallowed hard, tears springing to his eyes, blinking to try to stop the tears threatening.  “Oh,” he whispered, shifting Max so he could hold out his left hand.  When Alec slid the ring back onto his finger, a tear slipped down his cheek and he couldn’t help laughing and wiping it away.  He reached out and took the other ring from Alec’s palm, shifting closer so he could juggle Max and carefully slide the ring back on to Alec’s finger with a gasp.  

“Did you both just get remarried shirtless?” Madzie shouted.  “Without Mom here?!”  

The rest of the kids started to shout and Alec laughed, leaning in to press their foreheads together.  “God I love you.”  

“I love you too,” Magnus said, grinning despite the happy tears in his eyes.  “Now hurry up and kiss me before Catarina kills us both.”  

Alec grinned, cupping Magnus’ cheeks in his palms, kissing his forehead, both his eyes and the tip of his nose.  “With pleasure,” he whispered.  

“Alexander,” Magnus growled, opening his eyes to slits to mock glare at him.  

Alec grinned and closed that last inch between their lips, listening to the kids cheer in the background.  He wrapped an arm around Magnus’ waist, careful to make sure they didn’t squish Max between them, melting into the kiss until they broke apart, leaning into each other.  “Second first date soon?” he whispered.  

Magnus nodded and reached up, tangling his fingers into Alec’s hair, pulling him in for another kiss.  “Soon as I can convince Catarina and Madzie to babysit,” he promised.  

Alec hummed happily against Magnus’ lips and leaned in to kiss him again.  “Perfect.”  

“That you are, Alexander,” Magnus teased, grinning up at him.  “That you are.”  He swallowed Alec’s answering laugh with another kiss, his heart beating hard and steady in his chest.