Chapter Text
His words resonated through her ears like the piercing wail of a high caliber bullet.
“The outside world is so vast. Even though…”
That phrase settled into the core of her thoughts.
He’d never been this bleak before he was able to relive his father’s memories.
What else has he seen? What is he not telling me? She thought to herself.
She couldn’t shake the fact that there was a major detail he concealed regarding Grisha’s memories of Marley. He was never good at hiding anything, and often times she’d figure it out and blab his secrets anyway purely out of worry for him. Sure, it was a selfish tactic, but it worked and she firmly believed in the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mantra.
Despite his improved emotional control, there was still very little he could hide from her. Maybe it was just because they’d spent the better part of a decade together. Maybe it was because she knew him better than himself. Maybe it was because…
No.
She shook the thought.
Now’s not the time to cloud herself with these things. They came here for something far more important than the two of them and he made her promise to see that clear as day. Still though, she couldn’t help but dwell on it.
Even though- what, Eren? Even though- what? What’re you keeping from me? She tried to repress her inner voice from repeating that phrase but it pumped into her mind faster than blood to her brain.
They walked along the street adjacent to the pier, trying to keep up with the rest of the group. The muffled screams of the whole team coaxing them to keep up seemed to fade into the background, blending with the white noise of urban activity.
She couldn’t keep her eyes off him. A wave of concern wash over her as she studied his blank expression. Perhaps she hadn’t noticed it until now or perhaps she didn’t want to, but Eren didn’t seem like himself. He used to wear his emotions on his sleeve. His most prominent trait was his animosity and he was the first to let anyone know it. However, she hadn’t seen him overreact, lash out or even show any indication of interest towards anything in quite some time. Whether it be Jean poking fun at him or Levi getting on his case about the squad house being clean, there was just nothing. Those glossy aqua-emerald eyes she’d come to know so well seemed opaque; hollowed out.
“Will you both pick up the pace?” a voice in front of them remarked harshly. Seems Captain Levi caught on to their inadvertent separation to the group. “How many times do we have to tell you to stay with the group, you morons?”
“Sorry. We’re coming.” Mikasa mumbled as she grabbed Eren’s jacket cuff and pulled him behind her. They caught up to the group just as the rest of them made a break for it, Levi hoisting a small child like a running back diving for the endzone on 4th and goal from the 1.
Mikasa wearily wandered outside the Azumabito estate. She wasn’t sure where she was going or why she trekked in the direction she did, she just knew she had to find him. The extent of the pit developing in her stomach increased with each step she took and her heart rate started to accelerate well above her resting point. It’s not like they were in any immediate danger so why was she acting this way? What provoked this strange panic?
These questions were not helping so she abandoned that train of thought and continued to walk past the estate grounds. They weren’t too far from the dock and the harbor and she could still smell the saline breeze carrying through the air. She stopped for a moment to revel in it.
They were really here. Everything they’ve set out to do from the beginning was finally on the cusp of their fingertips. Mikasa took a moment to think about all the lives that had to be sacrificed to get here. They made it because of their fallen comrades. And yet, everything felt hazy. As if only part of her was able to experience the true unfathomable wonders they’d come across over the past 6 hours and the rest of her was stuck; trapped back in Paradis unable to get up from the cold wooden floor she’d grown so familiar with.
She had no idea how long she’d been walking but she considered that it couldn’t have been far because as she turned her head, she found Mrs. Kiyomi’s estate well within eyeshot. She continued down the sidewalk until she came to a large field spreading far into the night horizon. It was illuminated in candlelight and campfires and large canopy tents lay side by side, aligned in some sort of grid formation. It reminded her of how the Scouts would set up camp on overnight expeditions but there was something different about these tents. They looked like they’d been held in place for decades. Some of the tent fabric was patchy and worn, and the stakes were wedged deep into the ground, as if they were going to remain there for an extended duration of time. She continued ahead until she stopped about half way up a small hill.
There. Standing just about three meters away from her was a slender yet built young man with his back turned to her. Mikasa watched effervescently, her eyes glossed over in curiosity as his hair frayed freely past his collar in the sea breeze.
“Wow it’s so long now.” she mused to herself.
He must have heard her approach behind him but he didn’t budge. She grew nervous. What if it was someone trying to get the drop on him? He never used to drop his guard like this but now…ever since they left for Marley… he was so spaced out all the time it was like he didn’t WANT to be alert. She snapped out of her daze and approached him with thumping footsteps. She hoped he’d notice.
“Eren? Everyone’s been searching for you. Don’t you know that you’re the enemy’s prime target?” she asked firmly.
He stared intently across the field, his eyes stinging from the mix of the ocean gusts and the burning salt of his own tears. He couldn’t help but let them flow down his cheeks. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like and, in a way, he missed it. He missed being able to feel the way he wanted to. He missed his expressive and outwardly emotional nature. He missed the ignorance of his former self.
He didn’t ask for this.
His lips pursed staunchly as he stifled a sob. He wanted to let the waterworks flow like cascading rapids, but he knew if he let himself feel too much, he’d complicate everything for himself. Keeping his emotions at bay was the only way to keep him on the straight and narrow. After all, there was only one path to follow and any divergence wasn’t an option. He knew what was coming and though he hadn’t made his peace with it, he accepted that it was the only way. But God, he wished it wasn’t. God how he wished.
The wind spiraled around him again bringing a heavy dose of reality with it. It wasn’t the ocean salt and burning wood this time, nor the plethora of new scents he’s experienced in the half a day he’s been here. No, this was familiar. More than familiar it was intoxicating. Hibiscus, vanilla, and a subtle hint of honey perforated through his nose and into his very soul. His eyes grew wide and the lump in his throat returned. He took a wavering breath and slowly let his eyelids drop, heavy as anchors in the sea.
The tears began to rain down again, a steady stream of his own brand of saltwater staining the profile of his face. No sobs this time, just the constant current of his heart begging and pleading for him to change course.
Eren knew what that scent was. He’d known it since they graduated the Cadet Corps and were able to shop for themselves again. Combined with the natural sweetness of her own aroma, it was enchanting. How he wished to get lost in it again like he used to when she’d carry him kicking and screaming out of an altercation or when she’d take whatever he was carrying so he wouldn’t have to. He didn’t know at that time how much he’d come to crave it, but he sure knew now.
His eyelids clenched tighter now, the veins in his forehead popping out through his skin as he tried to block every thought of her spellbinding fragrance.
She spoke.
“Eren? Everyone’s been searching for you. Don’t you know that you’re the enemy’s prime target?”
It all came crashing back down. He wiped his face with his sleeve as she waited for a response. He couldn’t muster up a word so he just stood there silent.
“All of our freedom…was stolen from us.” She heard him continue softly.
She remained rooted in place and looked towards the refugee settlement, desperately trying to understand why it is he came here of all places. She glanced at him but quickly averted her gaze the moment his head pivoted toward her. She could feel his swirling jade eyes bore holes into her own as they shimmered in the firelight. She looked straight ahead, her heart racing faster than the cord snapback on her ODM gear.
“Mikasa…”
Her chest fluttered when he spoke her name. She was flushed, flustered and frustrated. Why was she getting butterflies at a time like this? What was happening?
“Why do you…” Eren hesitated for a moment before finishing his thought. “Why do you concern yourself so much with me?”
Mikasa froze. Her heart dropped into her stomach as she felt the acid burning away at its edges. She was so taken aback by what he said, all she could muster was a simple “Huh?”
She wanted to sit down but she was petrified. The blood rushed through her veins at an alarming rate but seemed to miss her brain because she began to feel woozy, like she could collapse at any moment. Her eyelids felt like two-ton bricks and the ground beneath her began to spin.
He spoke again.
“Is it because you were saved by me as a child? Or…” once again he paused. It felt like a full eternity before he completed his question.
“Huh?” she breathed.
“…Or is it because I’m family?” he sighed. His tone threw her off. He sounded desperate. Frantic even. He looked like a lost puppy searching for anyone to pick him up and take him home.
“Huh?” she just couldn’t express anything else. Her tongue was tied in a full suite of knots and she didn’t even begin to know how to untangle it.
Why is he asking this? Why now? Why the fuck can’t I respond? Her head twisted as these thoughts spiraled around her skull like planets in orbit.
“What am I to you?”
Eren flinched at himself. Now? He picked now to come forward with this? After all this time, all the ample chances and opportunities to come forward with this and yet he picked now. Right as he was looking at a future he can’t come back from. Had he chosen to do this earlier, maybe something could have changed. Maybe he would’ve gone the way of his father and tried to live a life of love and peace with the only one he could imagine doing so with.
Of course.
He let the thought sink in. Of course, he waited until now. He needed it to be too late. He needed to make sure nothing would alter the course he set himself on for the sake of his people. He needed to make sure that no matter what her answer was, it wouldn’t change anything. The end was coming regardless of the outcome.
None of that changed the pang of apprehension that hit his sternum. He could feel his veins coursing with scalding blood, scorching and getting hotter by the second. Maybe that was his titan blood doing some funky shit but he didn’t think so. He realized he’d caught her off guard but the ship has sailed so he followed through. No turning back now.
“What am I to you?” he repeated. Each millisecond of silence that passed between them was like trying to remove a splinter with a butter knife. His head used the time distortion to flood his mind with old memories, each one flying by at light speed.
One in particular stuck out, though.
It was just about 4:00 AM, the morning after the rescue mission to retrieve him from Bertolt, Reiner and Ymir. Eren had all but healed from his wounds as he slept on the uncomfortably jagged wooden bench in the lobby of the temp hospital back within Wall Rose. They were using an abandoned city official hall as overflow to adequately care for the sheer number of injured citizens. He felt the arm rest dig into his collarbone as his head lay against it, fists clenched and tense. He woke with a stir when one of the medical assistants nudged his shoulder.
“Mr. Yeager I would really advise returning to your barracks and sleeping in a proper bed” she explained.
“I’m good thanks, can I see her yet?” Eren retorted.
“Remind me again, who it is you wish to visit?”
“Sorry, uh Mikasa. Mikasa Ackerman.”
“Ah right. As far as I know, she’s in recovery at the moment and resting but I don’t suppose you’re going to take no for an answer.” The MA said dryly. “If I recall correctly, she’s got a broken fibula, 3 broken ribs and a severe concussion. That is not a light injury load. Do not wake her and do not make her over exert in any way shape or form. Are we clear on that?” she stated decisively.
“Crystal!” he shouted as he ran off into the temp hospital.
“Wait!” she called. “You don’t know what room she’s in!”
He paused and turned his head, poking his ear towards her direction. Silence. “Well?!” he exclaimed.
She sighed. “858!” she countered his tone. “And keep your voice down, it’s the middle of the night!” she added, but he was long gone, disappearing down the empty corridor.
Eren scanned the numbers on each door. The rooms with patients in them had their doors fully shut but the open ones were completely discernable. They looked like office rooms but each one had a bed and some medical equipment strewn about in various corners. The small brass placards on the front of each door glowed in his candlelight. 852, 854, 856…there it was. 858. His heart stuttered a moment before he knocked gingerly and opened the door. He wondered if it was because he’s sneaking in and she might kill him, but he’s walked in on her sleeping dozens of times so why now? He shook his head and moved forward, stepping gently into the room. The floorboards creaked softly as his boot collided with the woodgrain. He tip-toed to the side of her rollaway bed and stood there absorbing the image before him. He shuddered with guilt as he gazed at her. Sleep had overtaken her, but it was an uncomfortable sleep. A painful, restless slumber. He grabbed the stool in the corner of the room and brought it to her bedside.
Carefully he sat, letting out an exasperated sigh and hanging his head low.
“This is all my fault. Once again, you’re in a difficult position because of me.” He whispered.
Mikasa stirred and tried to shift in her sleep but in doing so, let out a sharp grunt as the pain shot through her body. Her eyelids crunched tight as she winced in agony. Eren, not knowing what else to do, grabbed her hand. In the moment he hadn’t realized what he’d done and looked down to see his palm over the back of her hand, his fingers wrapped around to her palm. He blushed feverishly and swallowed hard. Why was this happening? What compelled him to do this, and why can’t he pull away? He didn’t like this foreign, uneasy feeling but he didn’t want it to stop. It was as if his heart could power his steam engine. He was relieved the only available light was his candle and the moonlight so she, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t see him blushing.
She seemed to settle so he delicately tried to pull his hand away when something clamped down on it with force. He let out a small yelp before glancing down at his injured comrade. Her hand wrapped around his fingers like a snake coiling its prey. It was airtight and he gave in as he figured there’s no way to get out of an Ackerman vice grip.
Eren chuckled softly, once again lamenting their strength gaps.
He’d been a fool. All this time, all he wanted was to be the best; to be someone who was invincible. He hated that things that came naturally to others didn’t come to him. And he hated the others for it.
He thought about how much better off the team would be if they didn’t have to swoop in and rescue him a thousand times. He thought about how if he’d just listened to his mother and gave up the Scout dream, she might still be here. He thought about every single time he’d shown unnecessary aggression towards anyone because they could excel at something he didn’t.
He looked down again. There lay the person who took the brunt of it all with open arms and never once let go. The one who bore the full force of his ire and for what? For caring about him? He silently punched his free hand against his thigh. She didn’t deserve any of that. In fact, she deserved quite the opposite and he cursed himself for not having seen that before. He cursed himself for not having seen HER before. All she did was follow him unconditionally. The person that would sacrifice everything just to see him succeed. The person that saved him no matter how many times he pleaded for her not to.
“I’m so sorry, Mikasa.” He choked out. The lump in his throat bloomed and tears began to well up under his eyes.
Mikasa shifted her head towards his direction and breathed softly. “You saved me again. That’s my job.” She mumbled.
“Huh?” Eren asked curiously, his eyes wide with surprise.
He was met with quiet snores and soft moans as she tried to sleep through the pain. Her hand was still firmly grasping his own and he dare not move it. He smiled warmly and gripped her hand with matching intensity.
“Actually, it was you who saved me yet again. Just like you do every time.”
Her mouth was hanging slightly ajar and her hair was getting dangerously close to falling into it. Using his other hand, he motioned towards her face and tenderly slid that tuft of midnight black hair behind her ear. Eren looked at her again. He really looked at her. It was like he was seeing her for the first time. She was vastly different than the scared little girl he’d met so many years ago.
“When did she get so…easy to look at?” he thought. He envisioned Jean smacking him upside the head for thinking that. Those weren’t the right words, but he couldn’t figure out a way to describe what he was feeling. He liked how her nose perked up against her face. He liked how the pink hue of her lips contrasted against the fairness of her cheeks like stargazer lilies. He couldn’t help but stare, admiring the curvature of her neck meshing into her collarbone.
“You're beautiful.” He muttered under his breath.
Mikasa moved again, turning over to her side and reaching toward the small table where the candle flickered dimly. Her arm extended fully as she stretched forward scanning the table with her fingers. She was patting it gently, reaching for something. Afraid her hand would land on top of the candle, he stopped her and asked what she was looking for.
“What is it, Mikasa, what’s up?” he questioned.
“Mmh. Scarf. Where-” her groggy voice trailed off.
Eren heaved an amused sigh before reaching for the neatly folded red muffler settled on the corner of the table.
“Here you go.” He placed the scarf in her open hand as she gripped it violently and brought it snug against her face. Her brows furrowed for a moment before her entire being relaxed.
“Hmmh.” she murmured sheepishly. She seemed satisfied.
Eren ultimately concluded that he’d stay there for the rest of the night. He really did try to fall asleep on that stool adjacent to the bed and get a little rest but he just couldn’t take his eyes off her. He didn’t want to.
“Um…” Mikasa hesitated. The butterflies in her stomach were full on vibrating at this point. “You are…family.” She finally managed to cough the words out. It was almost as if they were framed as a question. You are…family? It was like she didn’t know how to answer and needed to say something. She felt the sting of the lies as they left her tongue but she couldn’t stop them from being spoken. Her breathing was shallow and her face went beet red. Honestly, she didn’t know if she was even a functioning human being at this point. She caught Eren’s eyes and faltered with realization. She could reach into the confines of his soul and pull out exactly what he was feeling: Absolute pain, crushing inevitability, emptiness. She cursed herself for blurting out such a fallacy as “family” but the deed was done.
No, she had to say something.
It wasn’t too late, and she just needed him to stop giving her that look; it hurt too much.
“Er—!" Right as she began, they were interrupted by a sweet old man in a velvet fez offering them two warm beverages.
“They seem to be welcoming us.” Eren said matter-of-factly.
“Huh?” Mikasa still couldn’t think straight.
“Hey!” a whiny shout came from the distance. Mikasa, Eren and turned around to see Armin and the others finally making their way to them.
“What the hell are you doing, Eren?” Jean scolded.
“Are you stupid?” Connie shot.
Mikasa looked at them and then back at Eren. His face seem to be sliding off his head, it was so low.
“Perfect timing.” Eren scoffed.
“Huh?” She said yet again. This time she was alone as Eren had already began to follow the old man towards his tent. He beckoned for the others with a hand.
Flustered and confused, she absentmindedly followed behind him. She almost tripped on the soft rug they stepped over prompting Eren’s hand to collide with her shoulder, keeping her in place. The gang joined the old man and his family and friends but Mikasa was lost in contemplation. She wasn’t present in reality, just lost in the dense forest of her emotions.
What did he mean? What am I to you? Once again, Eren's words echoed over and over again in Mikasa’s brain. She couldn’t push them out, but it's not like she was really trying to. There was no way repressing this was going to work anyway, she just needed it to take its course.
She watched Eren pick up the tin can full of that strange liquid and down it in a single go. The rest of the crew gawked in awe as well, and soon enough downed their own drinks.
Fuck it, why not. She threw her glass back.