Chapter Text
THISTLE and PATTDOHL sit opposite one another in a small tent outside THISTLE’s abode deep within the island dungeon. THISTLE is somewhat slumped, with dark circles under their eyes and a brooding expression on their face. PATTDOHL reads from a notebook and appears to cower behind it ever so slightly.
PATTDOHL: Please- please state your name and a bit of uh, background.
THISTLE: My name is Thistle. I... was court sorcerer for three generations of the Golden Dynasty, and their jester before that.
PATTDOHL: So, um, what drove you to get involved with this... demi-elf empire?
THISTLE: My family were traveling performers, essentially on the margins back in the homeland. We visited a kingdom of tall-folk and performed at a royal faire, the king at the time liked our act, and had us formally hired.
PATTDOHL: It’s common for elves who mingle in demi-elf societies to feel some, ah, anxiety around the differences in lifespan. Would you say this was a, uh, a contributing factor in this predicament?
THISTLE pauses, nods solemnly.
THISTLE: Yes. Yes, it was. Uh, when Derghal, the son of the king who took us in, reached adolescence, we started to become quite close. As he got older, had his own family, it really started to eat at me: hearts alive, he’s so old! I didn’t really know how to feel.
PATTDOHL: I see. Uhm, oftentimes compulsive hoarding is precipitated by traumatic life events, especially deaths. Would you say this holds true in your case?
THISTLE: Partly. When I was about sixty or seventy, Derghal’s father was assassinated, and that really shook all of us. The combination of that and the fear of Derghal growing old are kind of where everything started unraveling.
Inside the tent. MARCILLE sits opposite PATTDOHL. MARCILLE is fidgeting with the fabric of their cloak and desperately trying to avoid contact with anything resembling an eye.
MARCILLE: I -um- I’m Marcille. I’m with Laius and the others, I guess.
PATTDOHL: Your group were the ones that found Thistle’s house originally, correct? Can you fill us in on what happened?
MARCILLE: Uhm, well, we were just, uh, looking for our friend who got lost down here, and- and we ran into this weird house, so we, um, we decided to investigate. And when we got inside, it was just like, whoa, this place is a wreck. There were just... books and tools and- and junk everywhere. Oh heavens, and then we found Yaado and his family!
YAADO and PATTDOHL inside the tent. YAADO appears woozy and confused.
YAADO: I’m Yaado. I’m the grandson of... where am I exactly? What’s happening?
PATTDOHL: This is the home of Mad Sorcerer Thistle. You were found in suspended animation in their dining room, along with some other tall-folk. My colleagues and I have been dispatched by Central Command to clean up this hoard Thistle created before it overflows to the town above, and we’re in the middle of documenting the process. What’s your relationship to Thistle? Do you know how you got down here?
YAADO: Oh. That sounds serious. Well, Thistle was a close friend of my grandfather Derghal. He never really talked to the rest of us, though. I have no idea how I ended up here...
YAADO strains to remember.
YAADO: I remember being at my grandfather’s 70th birthday festival. And then- then Thistle got on stage and said something, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I think I must’ve fallen asleep? This is so strange.
Outside THISTLE’s abode. Surrounding the structure is a grove of overgrown foliage. The house itself is distinctly from the “whimsy” period of mad wizard fashion, featuring curved contours and rooflines, and an irregularly-shaped chimney jutting out of the side. KABRU and MISURN stand in front.
PATTDOHL, from out of view: Can you two introduce yourselves?
KABRU waits for MISURN to answer, but MISURN remains silent. KABRU looks towards someone to the side expectantly.
PATTDOHL, whispering: Captain?
MISURN: I am Captain Misurn of the Royal Exorcism Corps. I’m overseeing this operation.
KABRU: I’m-
FLEKI, from out of view: Don’t look at us, look at the eyeball thing I summoned!
KABRU: Right. Uh, I’m Kabru of Utaya. I’ve been assisting the Captain for the last week or so at Sishys’ request.
PATTDOHL: How charitable of you. Captain, what’s your plan of attack for this hoard?
MISURN: I’ll be handing the subject. I believe the plan is to let that group of adventurers do most of the work clearing the house out.
PATTDOHL: But- But Captain! Is it really wise to let those people near, you know, that?
MISURN turns towards KABRU
MISURN: I would’ve preferred to just kill them, but this one seemed averse to the idea. If they start digging into anything dangerous, I still think it’s the best option. Keep a close eye on them.
In front of the house. LAIUS, MARCILLE, CHILCHACK, SENSHI, IZUTSUMI, and KABRU are milling about.
KABRU: Yeah, uh, I cooked a bunch of stuff. We did, let’s see, walking mushroom, stew with that weird sheep thing, griffon egg... uhh, I think that’s most of it.
LAIUS: Wow! That’s really impressive! We’ll have to swap recipes sometime. You’re talking about the sheep plants, right? Did you get a ripe one, or just the embryos? We made balut with ours and it was really good, but the others got kinda squeamish about it. Isn’t it wild that it tastes like crab?
KABRU, looking away: Yeah, it’s weird.
FLEKI, from out of view: So how gross is it in the house, actually? Are we talking “there’s clutter everywhere but no rat piss or anything” or “there’s skeletons?”
LAIUS: Well, the monsters in there aren’t really the kinds that leave skeletons, but this definitely feels like an animal hoarding situation, more or less. Lots of monsters crowded together like decorations, and I don’t think the mana here is strong enough to accommodate them. It seems like the cleaners are avoiding the interior too, so there’s a lot of grime and cobwebs.
CHILCHACK: I wouldn’t assume there aren’t skeletons in there. When we walked past the pantry, I heard a ton of rats clambering round in the ceiling. All the little footsteps sounded like a rainstorm. They gotta die sometime, right?
MARCILLE: NOOOOO! Oh god, what if one climbs up my leg? What if I touch something with rat pee on it? No no no no no no no, eugh!
Chilchack nudges MARCILLE’s waist
CHILCHACK, giggling: Don’t worry. If the rats come to mess with us, Izutsumi can just eat ‘em.
IZUTSUMI: Hey, fuck you. I’m not eating any rats, you brat.
CHILCHACK’s giggling rises and boils over into a full-blown cackle.
PATTDOHL, from out of view: Hey, quit screwing around! We have work to do!
In the front yard. THE CANARIES are gathered with THISTLE
THISTLE: No! I can’t accept it! I won’t allow that band of rotten thieves to rifle through Derghal’s- my home!
MISURN: You should have considered that before you made such a mess. We’re accepting extra help because your hoard has reached a level we cannot process on our own.
THISTLE’s irises spasm and contort into horizontal slits.
THISTLE: This is an outrage! If you let that usurping oaf touch a single page of my library, a single hair on the royal family’s head-
MISURN: You’re in no place to make demands. Either you cooperate with us and we clean out your house together, or we send you back West for Central Command to deal with and clean up ourselves. It makes no difference to me.
SISHYS: We’re perfectly willing to work with you when it comes to untangling this mess, but you have to be willing to meet us halfway.
THISTLE: Fine. Fine! You westerners always think you can just barge in and start micromanaging anyone you please, don’t you?
SISHYS: No one else has the resources or know-how to handle these sorts of problems. Taking care of lost children like yourself is our solemn burden. If not us, then who?