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X paused with a thought and looked up from his stack of papers to where Zero lounged across a ragged old couch that X had dragged into his office for that very reason years ago. He’d given up on constantly berating Zero for conning all of his paperwork onto his assistant (X felt bad for the poor reploid) and instead resorted to glancing at Zero disapprovingly as he actually completed his paperwork. Zero, the ever so delightful android, didn’t have a care in the world that X was disappointed in him.
For a few moments, X did nothing but narrow his eyes at Zero and ponder in thought. Sensing the android’s unrelenting gaze, Zero opened his eyes and stared right back at X.
“What did I do?” Zero asked, after several increasingly awkward moments. X shook his head.
“Nothin’ I was just thinking,” X said. Zero narrowed his eyes.
“Yeah? And you’re staring at me, so that means your thinking of something that has to do with me. Spill.”
X didn’t respond for a while, instead, he continued to ponder until Zero raised a gloved hand and waved at him to speak.
“Headquarters has been a bit tense lately.”
“Yeah, and?”
“But there hasn’t been an attack in weeks and there might not be one for several more because fate’s even more of an asshole than you and likes to play games with us.”
“Yeah, and?”
X paused again. “What do you think about relieving some of that stress?”
“What did you have in mind?”
X was silent for a bit but Zero’s face broke into the biggest grin X had ever seen when X’s lips curled into the slightest smirk.
“Beans and guns?” Zero asked.
“. . . . Out of context that sounds so weird. But I was thinking pillows too.”
“Armor or ammunition?”
“Both.”
“War paint?”
“Hell yeah.”
“But no potato launchers?”
“Zero, we want to break the tension, not somebody’s face.”
“Water guns and balloons?”
“I don’t want to make a big mess for the janitors.” Zero didn’t mention that the hallways were already going to be a mess after they did this, littered will bullets and stuffing.
“Hmmm, so how are we pulling this off?”
“I’m thinking of raiding all of the stores in the city.”
“We have enough money for that?”
“25 years of commander pay each.”
“Yeaaaah, dumb question.”
“We’ll split it evenly. My stash in my room, your stash in yours. Leave the doors open. If we steal from each other, we automatically loose. If you get somebody else or something else to steal for you, you loose. Same for me. Deal?”
“Deal. War of skill then.”
“Yep.”
“Any restrictions on where we’re allowed to duke it out?”
Stay out of the areas where focus and peace is important, so no med bay. There really shouldn’t be anybody in there, but I don’t know for sure.”
“Fair enough. But we can use the training rooms right?”
“You know we’re always saying expect the unexpected.”
“No bathrooms though. Don’t need a reminder of last year.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“We allowed to recruit?”
“Why do you think I said to leave the doors open?”
“But then people will take it.”
“Better keep what you need on you then.”
Both looked at each other and grinned.
“HQ’s not gonna know what hit them,” Zero laughed.
Everyone in the base had heard the regaling tales of Commander Zero’s and Commander X’s battle. Their efforts were at this point, written into books and practically distributed for new recruits to read. So when any(barring a few select members who knew X and Zero better) members thought of the name’s X or Zero, they imagined soldiers, battle-hardened, noble, and professional.
Thus, it was an understatement to say that a passing battalion was completely shocked to see Zero, covered in fluffy pillow armor and armed with a haphazard mess of string, duct tape, and cardboard that held untold amounts of nerf bullets, guns, and bean bags, dash across the hallway, screaming at the top of his lungs. Their shock doubled when a similarly dressed reploid (those who were older recognized her as X’s personal navigator, Alia) came running down the hallway as well, firing some sort of nerf machine gun, while X, also covered in pillows and gear, fed a constant stream of bullets into the machine while masterfully running sideways.
Alia was laughing like a crazed maniac. X was grinning like a loon. And Zero’s screams could still be heard despite the battalion being certain that he was halfway across base by now. Some of the recruits wondered if there had been a maverick outbreak in the facility, but most just questioned their sanity.
To the shock of nobody, the small battle between X and Zero dissolved into an all out war between Zeroth Shinobi Unit and the Seventeenth Battalion. Somewhere along the line, several of the members from each group left headquarters to travel to other cities to purchase any and all ammunition, guns, pillows, and bean bags (all sizes including the massive ones much to X’s annoyance and Zero’s excitement. Getting hit in the face with a normal pillow was bad enough, but he didn’t need to be knocked off his feet while doing so thankyouverymuch. He did however, admit that they served as good transportable walls to hide behind). Another hour later and the two teams sent members out to purchase any and all inflatables and soft ammunition (somehow this included balled up socks). One of Zero’s recruits came back with an inflatable pool, thinking it was a brilliant idea to block off hallways and as a massive shield. Zero agreed, at least until X, being the unpredictable little shit that he was, decided to completely forget about strategy and body slam the pool, burying several of Zero’s recruits and pelting the unsuspecting remainder with nerf bullets. This turned out to be an entire strategy of its own.
Somehow, the disease spread across all of HQ and suddenly, nobody knew who was friend or foe anymore. It turned into every man for himself, and the entire facility dissolved into chaos.
That was until the Colonel showed up.
The room turned so quiet when Signas walked in that you could hear a nerf dart drop from the room next door. Zero and X, still armed to the teeth and covered in pillow body armor, paused, completely still and looking at Signas with guns raised to each other’s completely innocent faces. Signas gave them a very disapproving look, knowing without a doubt that those two started this mess.
“What is going on here?!” Signas demanded, looking rightfully pissed. Both Zero and X started sweating.
“Well, uh, you see sir, it was X’s idea,” Zero stated. X glared at him.
“Traitor,” he hissed.
“You should know by now that all headquarter events must first be approved by your superior officer, which just so happens to be me,” Signas growled.
“Sorry?” X offered lamely.
“Secondly, this is completely unprofessional,” Signas growled. Zero muttered a quick prayer under his breath.
“It is entirely rude to have a facility wide event and not include your commanding officer,” Signas finished, reaching behind himself to pull out the biggest nerf gun Zero had ever seen in his life (and he’d seen a lot of nerf guns lately) and point it at the two of them. Zero’s and X’s faces both spilt into massive grins.
Signas laid a palm on the intercom in the wall. “My fellow hunters. It seems a bit of a war has sprung out while I was briefly detained. I’m afraid our dearest commanders X and Zero have been corrupted. We must unite together to capture them at once!”
The grins slowly paled and dissolved into looks of horror. “Hunters!” Signas finished. “Mission . . . start!”
Both X and Zero ran, screaming.
Zero hung his head in shame as those he once called allies, tied him to a metal post with zip ties. He’d been stripped of his gear and pillow armor, leaving him bare in his sweats and tennis shoes.
“I’m sorry Commander,” one of the members of the Zeroth Shinobi Unit said sadly as he finished the task. “But boss’ orders.” Zero was fully aware that said member wasn’t even the slightest bit sorry.
“Yeah yeah. Extra room time for you after this, you traitor.” Zero grumbled.
“Of course sir.” Said member knew full well that Zero’s words meant nothing because the android wasn’t actually mad.
Zero looked over at his companion, also stripped of his armor and gear, and similarly hanging his head in shame, as the Zeroth Shinobi Unit members walked away.
“X, how did we get captured so quickly? Cause this is pathetic. We’re in a firing range. In front of a firing squad.”
“I have no idea, Z. I mean, we only had the entire base against us. Alia betrayed me! Alia!” X exclaimed.
“You can be a sarcastic little shit sometimes, you know that?” Zero grumbled.
“No hard feelings X! I still love you!” Alia shouted from somewhere within the mass of reploids in front of them. X frowned and stuck his tongue out in her general direction, receiving laughs in return for his efforts.
“Hunters!” Signas’ voice cried out from the mass. “Ready!” There was an alarming series of thuds as the mass of bodies rearranged themselves to give every member a good view.
“Set!” An even more alarming series of clicks echoed in the room as every hunter standing in front of X and Zero raised their weapons.
“Holy shit that’s a lot of guns,” Zero commented. X hummed in response.
“FIRE!!”
“HOLY SHIT THAT’S A LOT OF BULLETS!!”
“ACK! THAT WENT IN MY MOU-ACK! AGAIN!! SPLLTT!! DAMMIT DOUGLAS STOP DOING THA-ACK!”
“Zero, just close your mouth and it won’t happen again.”
“SHUT UP X-ACK!!!”
“. . . . .”
“ALIA STOP LAUGHING!!”