Work Text:
It was, as Alexis would say, “on brand” for David to find out he was being dumped thirdhand.
“Do you have any more of that rash cream?” Roland said, without so much as a how do you do.
David looked up from where he was organizing the lip balms. “Pardon?”
“Yeah, it worked great on Rolly’s diaper rash, so I wanted to get some for, uh, other uses,” Roland said.
“First of all, ew,” David said, “and second of all, yes, by the infant bath products, and please never speak of it to me again.”
“You got it,” Roland said, snagging the biggest tube they had (seriously, ew) and dropping it in front of the cash register. “Sorry to hear about you and the old ball and chain, by the way.”
“The what?” David said, listening with about 10% of his focus as he always did with Roland.
“It’s too bad,” Roland continued blithely. “We all thought you two would make it. Well, who can predict matters of the heart, amiright? I mean, it’s not like any of us have a crystal ball.”
“I’m sorry, what are we discussing right now?” David said, with the forced smile of a man who had been given some very firm feedback about his customer service skills.
“You and Patrick,” Roland said, raising his eyebrows.
“What about me and Patrick?”
“Your break up,” Roland said.
David blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I mean… he did tell you, right?” Roland said.
“I,” David began, and then changed course to, “what?”
“Uh oh,” Roland said. “Maybe I wasn’t supposed to let the cat out of the bag.”
“There is no cat,” David said. “And no bag. We’re bagless here, actually. I mean we sell reusable ones, but that isn’t - where did you hear that we broke up?”
“Um, from Jocelyn,” Roland said.
“From Jocelyn,” David repeated. “Mm. And where did Jocelyn hear it?”
“Uhhh,” Roland said. “You’re gonna have to ask her about that, pal. I’m just here for the butt cream.”
“Please never call it that,” David said, handing him his change. “Any idea where Jocelyn is right now?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m meeting her at the cafe,” Roland said.
“Great,” David said, slamming the cash register shut and striding around the counter to flip the sign to “Closed”.
“Listen,” Roland said, “I know you’re probably having a tough time today personally and all, but Joss and I were actually planning on having lunch just the two of us, so - ”
“I’m not crashing your date, Roland,” David said, locking the door behind them and taking off down the block. “I just need to speak with your wife about something.”
“Oh, what?” Roland said.
“Nothing!” David said.
“Then can’t it wait til after lunch?”
“Oh my god,” David said, yanking open the door to Cafe Tropical. Jocelyn looked up when the door opened.
“Hi, David,” she said as he approached her table. “How are you?”
“I’m great, Jocelyn,” David said brightly. “Just out on a fact-finding mission, actually. Here’s a funny question, why did you tell Roland that Patrick and I broke up?”
Jocelyn’s smile froze. “Um. Because I heard that you did? Sorry, were you not telling people yet?”
“Mmhmm, something like that,” David said. “So just out of curiosity, where did you hear about it?”
“Oh, just around.”
“Around,” David said. He scanned the cafe. “Like, in the air, or written on a bathroom wall, or - ”
“Well, no,” Jocelyn. “I guess I heard it from... your mother.”
“My mother?" David snapped. It was so loud that in any other place people would have turned to stare; the rules didn't apply in Schitt's Creek, where people were so used to the Rose family that this did not even merit a glance.
"Yes," Jocelyn said, looking uncomfortable. “At Jazzagals practice.”
“Jazzagals practice,” David echoed. “So what you’re telling me is all of the Jazzagals know. Which means the entire town knows.”
“I’m sorry, David,” Jocelyn said. “I know this must be a really hard time for you - ”
“That’s what I said, too,” Roland said.
“ - and if there’s anything we can do, let us know.”
“I mean, not anything, but, you know, within reason,” Roland said.
“That’s such a kind and thoughtful offer,” David said, “but before I take you up on it, I have some people to talk to!”
And then, mustering up as much dignity as was possible when one has just had their knees kicked out from under them by Roland and Jocelyn Schitt, David left the cafe.
David considered several things during the walk to the motel:
- Calling Patrick (rejected instantly, for obvious reasons)
- Calling his mother (also rejected, she was the queen of hanging up on people; much easier to pin her down in person)
- Calling Alexis (ugh, no)
And finally settled on calling the obvious person.
"So you heard the rumor?" Stevie said, sounding absolutely delighted.
"Yes I heard the rumor!" David snapped. "Wait, how do you know it's a rumor?"
"Because if it was true, you'd be sitting in front of me drowning in expensive cashmere and stress eating Taco Bell," Stevie said. "Also, because Patrick is literally ridiculously in love with you? Like, to the point where it's frankly embarrassing for him. And a little bit for you, but mostly for him."
David pressed his lips together. "So you don't think he's breaking up with me?"
"Um, unless you really did get Ronnie's cousin in Elmdale pregnant? No."
"Ew, Shayla?" David said. "I would never sleep with her, she runs a blog about lawn care."
"I find it very educational," Stevie said.
"Who told you I got Shayla pregnant?"
"Ray."
"Ray?" David said. "Why is Ray - okay, you know what? This is ridiculous. I'm outside, meet me at my parents’ room."
"I'm working, but okay," Stevie said as David hung up.
David hovered outside the Rose family motel rooms until Stevie came out of the lobby. “What took you so long?” he hissed.
“It’s been, like, thirty seconds,” Stevie said. “What are you waiting for me for, anyway?”
“I want a witness who will testify in my defense if I kill her,” David said, opening the door. “Hi, Mom.”
“Oh, David,” Moira said, pouting at him. “My poor David. Are you surviving, my dear?”
“I’m holding up,” David said cheerfully. “How are you?”
“Much worse since I heard your tragic tidings!” Moira said.
“What tragic tidings?” Alexis said, sticking her head from the adjoining room.
“David and Patrick have concluded their liaison,” Moira said.
“What! David! Why didn’t you tell me?” Alexis said, offended.
“Okay, that’s what you’re upset about?” David said. “Mom, why do you think Patrick and I broke up?”
“Why?” Moira said. “Because someone told me, of course.”
“Mm,” David said. “And was that person me?”
Moira tilted her head. “I don’t believe so.”
“Right,” David said. “So who was it?”
Moira frowned. “Well. I suppose… it was at the cafe… was it your father?”
“So Dad knew about it before me?” Alexis said.
“Not the point!” David snapped. “Mom, you don’t even know who told you about the worst news of my life?”
“Worse than when you lost all your money and had to move here?” Stevie said innocently. “Oh, or that time someone asked which Walmart you got your shoes at?”
“Okay, shut up,” David said.
“I’m sure it was someone reputable,” Moira said. “Oh, there’s your father!”
“Stevie, there you are,” Johnny asked, stepping into the open door frame. “What’s everybody up to?”
“Actually, Mom was just telling me about how you told her that Patrick and I broke up.”
Johnny’s jaw dropped. “What? You and Patrick broke up?”
“So it wasn’t Dad,” David said, whirling on Moira.
“What wasn’t me?” Johnny said.
“Well, some other trusted source then,” Moira said.
“David, what happened?” Johnny said. “Why did Patrick end things?”
“I’m sorry,” David said, rearing back, “what makes you think he’s the one who broke up with me?”
“Nothing,” Johnny said. “It was a figure of speech, is all - ”
“Mmhmm, and you,” David said, turning back to his mother, “you heard from quote ‘someone’ that the most important relationship of my life was over, and instead of checking in on me - your son - who literally lives next door! - you went to rehearsal and told all the Jazzagals.”
“And you didn’t even text me about it!” Alexis pouted.
“Does anybody care that I am having a crisis?” David cried.
“Just a quick reminder that nobody actually broke up with anybody,” Stevie said. “Yet, at least. Patrick might decide to run for it if he ever witnesses whatever’s going on here.”
“It was Twyla!” Moira exclaimed. “Twyla told me about the failed consociation.”
“Well,” David said, “then I guess I’m going to the cafe.”
“Or you could call your boyfriend,” Stevie suggested.
“Ex-boyfriend,” Alexis corrected.
“I’ll drive you,” Johnny said.
“I’ll come too,” Moira said.
David threw his hands in the air. “No, I don’t need everyone to - ”
“You are not going out there without your mummy!” Moira said, with a sudden eruption of maternal instinct.
“I’m coming too, since otherwise no one in this family tells me anything!” Alexis said.
“Okay, well if Mr. Rose is leaving, I should probably keep an eye on things here at the motel,” Stevie said.
“No, you’re definitely coming,” David said, grabbing her sleeve.
“Why,” Stevie said miserably.
“Shotgun,” Alexis said.
“No, Alexis, it doesn’t work that way,” Moira said, opening the passenger side door.
“I’m sorry, shouldn’t I get shotgun? I’m the one going through a heartbreak here - ”
“Yeah, I'm gonna take a separate car,” Stevie said, climbing into her own.
David re-routed. “I'm going with Stevie then.”
“No, wait, me too!” Alexis said, but David slammed the door behind him and hissed, “Drive!” and Stevie peeled out of the parking lot.
There was a minor drama while the two cars battled it out for the one customer spot behind the cafe and ultimately decided just to double park. “Hi,” Twyla said cheerily as they piled in. “Tables are all open, guys, you’ve been here before.”
“Actually, Twyla, we have a question for you,” David said. “It’s just, like, this really funny story - so my mom thinks you told her that Patrick and I broke up.”
Twyla frowned. “Well, you did, didn’t you?”
“Um,” David said.
“No,” Stevie said firmly. “They did not.”
“We did not,” David agreed. “That I am aware of. Which is why it was - confusing - to hear otherwise.”
“Oh,” Twyla said. “So why did he tell me you did?”
It was, perhaps, the worst thing Twyla could have said. “He told you that?” David said in a completely normal-pitch voice.
“Twyla, what did he say, exactly,” Stevie said.
“Well, I asked him if he wanted his usual order - two teas, one with milk one without - and he said - nope, just one, my days of getting two teas are over,” Twyla recited, tilting her head. “And since the second tea was always for you, that must have meant you broke up.”
David turned to Stevie. “I can’t really argue with the logic.”
“Yes you can,” Stevie said.
“Did he not tell you?” Twyla asked. “I totally understand, one time my mom’s ex-boyfriend left her a break up note, but she couldn’t see it because of getting pepper sprayed by his wife - so anyway I was supposed to read it out loud to her, and I was only 4 so I couldn’t read yet - ”
“Yeah, thanks, Twy,” Alexis said, turning to David. “So there wasn’t a breakup no one told me about?”
“I need to talk to Patrick,” David said.
“Could have solved all of this a lot faster if you’d done that in the first place,” Stevie singsonged as they all trailed him out of the cafe.
“Well, where is he?” Alexis said.
“He was on vendor pickups earlier, but - oh. I have, like, four calls and six texts from him. He’s at the store.”
“He sounds pissed,” Alexis said, peering over his shoulder.
“Possibly because I closed the store early?”
“Maybe he will be breaking up with you,” Stevie said.
“Wait, so they haven’t already broken up?” Johnny asked.
“Oh, do keep up, John!” Moira said, clutching his arm as they all marched down Front Street toward Rose Apothecary.
Patrick was behind the counter when they arrived. The bell rang as they all trooped in, and when he looked up he looked - surprised, mostly, and maybe slightly annoyed but hiding it well. Not exactly like someone who wanted to break up, in David’s fairly robust experience.
“David,” he said, coming out from around the counter. “Where have you been? I got a call from a delivery that the store was closed, and you didn’t answer my calls - what happened? Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Rose, Alexis, Stevie. Um, what’s everybody doing here?”
“It’s actually kind of a silly story,” David said, twisting his lips to try to look playful and fun and totally chill.
“Is it?” Patrick said. “Because I was worried about you.”
“Sweet!” Alexis mewled.
“You’d better be worried about him,” said Johnny, who inexplicably had decided this was his moment to protect his son’s honor.
“Can you all just, like,” David said, waving at the door, “not be here?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Moira said.
“Moral support,” Stevie added.
“Great,” David said, turning back to Patrick. “So, there’s kind of a funny rumor going around right now. About us.”
“David, you know I don’t care if people think I have an elbow fetish because of that time Roland saw us testing out the sunscreen.”
“Nope, not that one!” David said loudly.
“But ideally we would return to that later,” Stevie chimed in.
“There’s a rumor,” David said, “that we broke up.”
Patrick snorted. “Is there? Jeez. People around here are more starved for entertainment than usual these days.”
“Told you,” Stevie murmured.
“Yeah, definitely starved,” David said. “It’s just that, like, everyone believed it?”
“Who believed it?” Patrick said, frowning.
David glanced over his shoulder at his family, who all studiously avoided making eye contact. “I mean, no one, really.”
“No, seriously, who?” Patrick said. “Where’d you even hear it?”
“Um,” David said. “From Roland?”
“Roland,” Patrick said.
“Who heard it from Jocelyn. Who heard it from… someone,” David said, feeling his mother’s glare, “who heard it from Twyla.”
“Wait, Twyla?” Patrick said, perplexed. “Why would Twyla say that?”
“Something about tea,” Alexis contributed.
“She said you said you weren’t buying two teas today, or ever again, and she took that to mean that was because you weren’t buying them for me,” David said. “So, if there was something you wanted to talk about, like if my tea order is becoming a burden for you or something - ”
“David, I only ordered one tea from the cafe because I started brewing my own tea at home,” Patrick said. “Remember? I bought a huge box of it at the supermarket, and you tried it and said you’d rather drink lukewarm water that had been mixed with dirt from in front of the main stage at Coachella?”
“Were those my exact words?” David said.
“Wait, were you actually worried about this rumor?” Patrick said, laying his hands on David’s arms and getting an adorable little wrinkle between his eyes. “You thought maybe I woke up this morning, decided to break up with you and, what, told Twyla?”
“In retrospect,” David said, “that does seem unlikely.”
"David, I love you. And I do not want to break up with you, I don't ever want to - I don't want to break up with you," Patrick said, clearing his throat, which made David's heart do a little flip-flop thing that was frankly undignified.
"Aww," Alexis said, unhelpfully.
"And I promise that if I ever do want to break up - which, again, I don't, at all - you definitely won't hear about it from Roland."
David pressed his lips together. "That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me."
"That makes me think you've never listened to anything else I've said to you for our entire relationship, but okay," Patrick said, and kissed him.
“Well, I think that’s our cue,” Johnny said, taking Moira’s arm and ushering her out the door. “Glad we resolved this, boys.”
“Kisses!” Moira threw over her shoulder.
“Thanks for including me in this little dramarama, David,” Alexis said, already back on her phone.
“I told him it wasn’t true, for the record,” Stevie said. “And that he’s an idiot, just, like, generally.”
“Thanks, Stevie, much appreciated,” Patrick said. When the bell tinkled behind them, he turned back to David. “Are we good? I mean, I know it was just a rumor, but - ”
“Of course we’re good,” David said.
“Good,” Patrick said, heading back around the cash register to close out for the night. “Oh, and honey? Next time you hear a rumor about us, can you maybe, like, text me? Before you close the store in the middle of the day and lead an angry mob through town, I mean.”
“I mean, to be fair, it was suspicious that you got tea and didn’t get any for me - ”
“David, the tea was for you. You drank it. And then you went to work and left the empty cup on my bedside table for me to throw away.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s definitely more in character,” David said.