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The feeling had been building all day. It was almost like that sensation you got when you walked into a room and forgot why you even entered, but more…continuous. At first, Dean had chalked it up to a side-effect of apparently being a ‘normal person’ that had to function without Chuck’s helping hand, but as Dean watches outside almost enviously as Garth and Bess begin to dance, the realization of what that feeling actually is, hits him and hits him hard.
It feels like reality all of a sudden orients itself into perfect place while simultaneously being pulled out from under him. It’s like a switch in his brain, so simple, but the areas it lights up, areas that were previously wholly unknown to Dean, suddenly just exist. As if they were always there.
And Dean supposes, in a way, they were. It had just been Chuck that decided to flip the switch. Maybe it didn’t fit his narrative. Or maybe he just really did hate Dean that much.
Dean hasn’t even realized his legs have given out, that he is crying, sobbing into his hands, until the concerned cries of his brother bring him back to planet earth. He makes an attempt to speak and all that comes out is another pathetic sob. And honestly, Dean can’t even find it in himself to care. Who was he trying to impress, anyway? Even God seemed to have so much of a problem with Dean’s feelings that he had to erase them from his fucking head completely.
The scream he lets out then is nothing short of feral. He screams and he screams and he is only slightly aware that Bess and Garth have come running outside now. He doesn’t care. He just…doesn’t. Fucking. Care.
It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that Dean feels like he can’t even breathe. All the times he had to watch Cas die, not knowing why it felt like part of him was dead, too. All the times he had called Cas his brother and winced internally without really knowing why. All the moments they could have had; the life they could have had together. It could have been them dancing in their living room, with their three kids, not a fucking care in the world. They could have been happy.
But what fun would have that been for Chuck?
Dean screams again and now it’s one of pure rage. Because those were Dean’s feelings. It was something that belonged to Dean and Cas alone and he had taken that from them. Dean feels so utterly violated that he doesn’t even feel the bile rising in his throat before it’s coming up all over the Fitzgerald’s lawn.
Right. Because he also apparently had a sensitive stomach now. But adding insult to injury seemed to be a real specialty of Chucks, didn’t it?
It’s a long time before Dean has the energy to drag himself up from his current position on the ground. Sam tries to help him, but Dean pushes him roughly away. Which makes him feel like even more shit, but Dean really couldn’t deal with anyone touching him right now. His hands are shaking as he throws the keys to Baby over to Sam and just heads over to the passenger side without another word. Groggily, he can hear Sam apologize to Bess and Garth and watches as the couple reluctantly descends back towards their house. Sam waits until they’re inside before entering the driver’s side and turning to Dean.
“We’re not leaving here until you tell me what that was.”
Dean says nothing.
“I need to know you’re okay, Dean.” A beat. “Please, man. Talk to me.”
And Dean wants to, he really does, but he wouldn’t even know where to begin. It was hard enough to pick apart the horror show that was in his own head, never mind actually getting it into words.
“Listen.” Sam steels now, firmer but no less concerned. “A sentence. One sentence is all I need, okay?” There’s a tense pause before he adds, “If you can’t do that, I’m taking you to the hospital.”
Dean can feel his fingernails digging into his palms now. He knows he has to give Sam something; he’s sure as shit not in the state of mind to call his brother’s bluff.
“Chuck-” Dean lets out another sob, feeling a moisture pool in his palms now where his fingernails have broken skin. “Took something from me and Cas.”
“Do you want me to call Cas? Do you want to talk to him?” Sam asks, and Dean knows his brother is just trying to help, but all Dean can feel is a cold horror wash over him just at the mention of the name.
Cas. Cas. Fucking hell. What was he even supposed to say to Cas? Did Cas remember now, too?
And Dean can feel his heart stop entirely at the line of thought. Because what if Cas doesn’t? What if this was just his fuckin’ burden to bear now and shit, shit, shit -
“Okay, alright! We won’t call him, okay? Let’s just get home, yeah?” Sam tries to placate as he starts the car and they begin their long and very tense journey back to the bunker.
......
Although he still hasn’t said more than two words to Sam since they left the Fitzgerald’s, Dean likes to think he’s at semi-gathered himself as they make their way down the steps and into the bunker.
Though any semblance of such sanity completely goes out the window when he sees Cas waiting for them at the dining room table. Cas immediately stands when he sees Dean, but he doesn’t take a single step forward. The angel just searches Dean’s expression for what Dean quickly realizes is the same thing Dean is searching his for.
They seem to both find it simultaneously and each wastes no time with closing the remaining distance between them with a kiss, which doesn’t last long because Dean’s starts up his damn sobbing again. And the words coming out of his mouth now are nothing short of a hiccupping train wreck.
Cas just shushes him, rocking him back and forth gently, though even Dean can feel Cas’ body shaking under the hunter’s vise-like grip. Sam has long since made himself scarce, not that Dean was even in the state of mind to care at this point.
“Cas, I’m scared.” Dean finally admits, the first coherent thing to come out his mouth. “What if he…what if Chuck makes us forget again?”
“I don’t think he will.” Cas admits, though Dean can hear the angel’s own fear leaking through his words. “If he didn’t want us to remember, he wouldn’t have even bothered, right?”
“Is there anything we can do?” Dean asks, already trying to plan for such a disaster. “Is there a spell or a reminder we can set or something, hell, anything we can do to make sure we don’t forget again?”
Cas’ lips purse into a fine line before he admits, “Even if there was…if Chuck truly wanted to erase our feelings again, he could probably undo whatever attempt we made to remember them with little effort.”
“I hate this.” Dean spits out into Cas’ shoulder, the rage practically consuming him now. “I hate him. I hate him so fucking much, Cas.”
“Me too.” Dean can feel Cas breath into his hair, each of them treasuring whatever time they may have like this together.
“I would have loved to marry you.” Dean admits then, because what the hell does he really have to lose at this point? “We could have had our own version of an apple pie life, ya know? Maybe not give up hunting completely, but we could have had our own place.” Dean can feel his throat go dry and his eyes sting from the tears. “And maybe somewhere along the way, we took in a couple kids that needed a home. Like Jody did with Claire and Alex. Maybe…” Dean barely chokes down a sob as he forces himself to continue; forces the words out while he still has a chance even to say them. “Maybe Jack could have been there with us too.”
Cas kisses him again and Dean can taste the angel’s tears on his lips.
“Jack would have loved to have siblings.” Cas says as he just stares at Dean with a look that Dean knows is his, has always been his, and will always be his, Chuck be damned. “And I would have loved to have a family with you.” Cas’ hand comes up to cup his cheek then as the angel wipes away a few stray tears. “I love you, Dean. Nothing would have brought me greater joy than to have a life with you.”
Dean smiles painfully as he cups Cas’ own cheek and takes relish in the feeling of being this close to Cas. Of allowing himself to be this vulnerable with the man he was in love with. “I love you so much, Cas. And even if we couldn’t have that kind of life…I’ve cherished every damn second that I got to have with you in this one. Please, please, if you can’t remember anything else, Cas, remember that.”
......
“Well.” A voice speaks up then, unknown and unheard to the embracing angel and hunter. “We’ll just have to see about that, now won’t we?”
*snap*