Chapter Text
definitely not the phantom thieves (8 members, 8 online) - 10/25
Makoto: we’ll meet up tomorrow to figure out what our plan is for infiltrating my sister’s palace
Makoto: good night everyone!
Akechi: I look forward to working together. ^_^
no cops allowed (7 members, 7 online) - 10/25
Futaba: anyway
Ryuji: ughhhh
Ryuji: can’t believe he blackmailed us into letting him join like. wtf who even does that
Makoto: to be fair, that is basically what I did also
Ryuji: yeah but u weren’t nearly this smug abt it
Ryuji: I just wanna wipe that dumb smirk off his stupid pretty face
Ann: eyes emoji
Futaba: you know u can just use the actual emoji right
Haru: Oh, so you think that his face is pretty now?
Ryuji: no!!!! it’s just an expression!!!! he sucks and I hate him and he’s a smug insufferable dick and he looks like he spends three hours doing his hair every morning so that it’s perfectly ~artfully disheveled or some bullshit
Ann: eyes emoji intensifies
Akira: he does have nice hair tho
Akira: and also objectively a pretty face. it’s not ryuji’s fault he has eyes and can recognize a hot dude when he sees one
Yusuke: There is no such thing as objective beauty. Your perception of Akechi as pretty is more likely due to your own attraction to him
Ryuji: screw you man
Ryuji: I don’t like him I just have eyes
Ryuji: but his personality is Like That enough that it doesn’t matter how pretty he is. or isn’t
Futaba: isn’t
Haru: Definitely isn’t
Makoto: not even a little bit
Ryuji: yeah but you’re all lesbians of course you don’t understand my pain
Yusuke: I agree with Futaba. This could just be because you’re my friends, but you are all significantly more beautiful in my eyes, especially Akira.
Ryuji: exactly!!!
Ryuji: glad we’re all on the same page here
Ryuji: right joker
Akira: you all realize we’ve been dating for like. four months
Akira: since june
Ann: who, you and yusuke??
Akira: no, me and akechi
(several people are typing…)
Ann: oh yeah. I knew that
Futaba: yeah me too
Futaba: obviously
Ryuji: what??? and you didn’t tell me????
Akira: I thought I did though? I definitely told you about how we went to the aquarium together? and the jazz club? and that cafe?
Ryuji: yeah but I thought it was just like. as a friend thing and also a getting more information about the suspicious detective without him realizing it thing
Ryuji: y’know. like some cool spy stuff where u gotta befriend the target so he lets down his guard
Ann: wait hang on
Ann: he told you they went to. multiple common date spots and you thought it was platonic??
Ryuji: yeah obviously? akira and I do shit like that together all the time
Ann: okay yeah but you guys are best friends
Ann: you can do more gay stuff w your best friend without it being romo than you can with. some guy you just met
Ann: like shiho and I can cuddle and go to the movies and buy each other icecream and that’s just how our friendship is even though we’re both into girls but if I did that with someone I just met it would mean something else, y’know?
Ryuji: yeah I guess
Ryuji: but come on man I thought you had better taste
Ryuji: he better be a good kisser
Ryuji: to make up for everything else that comes out of his horrible stupid mouth
Akira: he is
Akira: also his hair is really soft
Ann: yeah ok I don’t wanna know any more of this actually
Ryuji: can’t believe you would date a cop I thought you were cooler than this dude
Akira: I mean he’s not technically a cop
Futaba: doubt……
Ann: that’s not really the kind of thing you can ‘well actually’ your way out of
Akira: I’m just saying it’s a lot more complicated than it looks from his interviews you know?
Akira: and it’s more of a private detective kind of deal
Futaba: yeah that sounds like excuses to me
Akira: ok you’re right but anyway that’s not the point, the point is I told you we were talking! and then that we were gonna keep seeing each other!
Ryuji: in like. the vaguest possible way!!! of course I didn’t know wtf you were actually talking about!!!!!
Ryuji: bro!!! u gotta keep me in the loop on this shit!!!
Akira: sorry bro
Ryuji: bro……..
Akira: bro ❤️
Haru: Are they always like this?
Makoto: unfortunately, yes
Futaba: *fortunately
Futaba: 🍿🍿🍿
Akira: morgana wants me to tell you that he knew this whole time and also that he disapproves :/
Ryuji: mona’s right AND he should say it!!!
Ryuji: don’t tell him I said that though..
(2 online) - 10/25
Goro: Sorry to put you in a difficult situation like that, I hope this doesn’t ruin everything between us
Akira: I mean it’s not like I didn’t know you were investigating us
Akira: but I do have one question
Akira: how long have you known
Goro: I suspected from the beginning that you at least knew who the Phantom Thieves were even if you weren’t actually them
Goro: But I’ve known for sure for a few months
Akira: is that the only reason you approached me
Goro: That’s two questions
Goro: But no
Goro: That was part of it but not just for. Investigation reasons
Akira: yeah? you telling me you like a bad boy? you think me doing crimes is cool and sexy even though you have to pretend to disapprove bc the law says so or whatever?
Goro: …Maybe
Goro: I feel like I should be asking you the same question though
Goro: Is this the only reason you said yes when I asked you out
Akira: nope
Akira: we had like. so many other ways to keep tabs on the investigation
Akira: this was because I like you
Goro: And because you like taking unnecessary risks
Akira: listen the ~mystery and the ~danger of it all just makes it more fun
Akira: huh maybe I like a bad boy too
Akira: also I have another question
Goro: Should I be getting a lawyer? ^_^
Akira: haha
Akira: if you’ve known who we were for months you must’ve been asking yourself that all this time right
Akira: had a least a lil bit of doubt
Goro: I wouldn’t call it doubt
Goro: I knew it was a possibility but I also decided I didn’t care
Goro: By that point I knew you well enough to trust that you were honest about your feelings, if not about your
Goro: Various criminal activities
Akira: awww thanks babe
Akira: you’re so sweet
Goro: Still going to kick your ass at the arcade
Goro: You’d think the leader of the Phantom Thieves would have better gun skills
Akira: oh yeah?? you wanna test that? you wanna go???
Goro: You’re on ^_^
Goro: 💖💖 🔪 💖
Goro: Oops the knife wasn’t supposed to be there
Akira: or was it…..
Akira: 😏
Goro: 😏😏😏
Akira: ok I gotta go now morgana is yelling at me to go to sleep
Akira: I love you good night
Goro: Good night 💖
no cops allowed (7 members, 5 online) - 10/26
Yusuke: Do you think he became a detective because he shares a name with Kogoro Akechi, the famous fictional detective?
Makoto: that’s not usually why people choose their career paths
Makoto: although I have to admit, the similarities are fascinating
Makoto: between the author's work being known for its homoeroticism and the fact that Kogoro Akechi’s opponent is described as more like Arsène Lupin than Moriarty, considering Akira’s first persona,
Futaba: yes
Futaba: because he’s that much of a goddamn nerd
Ryuji: alternatively do we even know that’s his real name??
Ryuji: we don’t know anything about him he could be lying about that too
Makoto: I guess it could be a ridiculously on-point alias, since we do also have those
Ann: yeah but that’s what everyone calls him all the time
Ann: what’s the point in having an alias if that’s the only name you use
Yusuke: A mask is only useful as long as it can be removed.
Ryuji: yeah great thanks for getting all fake deep or whatever
Ryuji: more importantly is akechi’s name real and just. a wild coincidence or is he that much of a pretentious nerd
Ryuji: @Akira you wanna weigh in
(Akira is online)
Akira: no comment
Futaba: you’re no fun
Ann: you’re the hacker!!
Futaba: you try getting information on this guy
Futaba: if I didn’t know better I would say he didn’t exist at all until like two years ago
Futaba: seriously there’s just. nothing
Futaba: whoever he’s working for has gotta be seriously powerful bc there’s no way he could just. not have a record like that
Futaba: I don’t care how ~smart and ~competent he is or whatever
Futaba: there’s no way he’s that much better than me without some intense backing from Someone
Futaba: which I thought it why we were getting information out of him in more ~conventional low tech ways @Akira
Akira: no comment
Ryuji: are you gonna. give us anything to go off of here
Ryuji: like. why does he always wear those stupid fancy gloves even inside
Ryuji: what does he think he is,, a hitman in a bad spy movie
Akira: no comment
Akira: except that it’s a good look on him 😏
Akira: to be fair most things are but I do really like those gloves
Ann: didn’t need to know that about you!!!!!!
dunking on joker’s dumb bf zone (6 members, 4 online) - 10/26
Futaba: ok so
Futaba: since akira’s being such a buzzkill about it
Futaba: here’s a place to make fun of akechi in all the very valid ways that he definitely deserves
Ann: plus it felt kinda rude to constantly say mean stuff about his boyfriend in front of him like that
Ryuji: his boyfriend who blackmailed us and is like. definitely gonna narc on us the second we steal that treasure
Ryuji: seriously I don’t know what he sees in him
Ryuji: like sure he’s pretty but. akira’s pretty too he can do better
Yusuke: Is that so.
Yusuke: It sounds as though you have someone in mind?
Ryuji: what??? no!!!!!!! I’m just saying that as a concerned friend I think he should make better decisions
Ann: Idk maybe that’s part of the appeal
Ann: literally flirting with danger or something
Ann: we all know akira’s always down to take a risk
Ann: also they’ve been together for like. a while now. literally since june
Yusuke: I thought they only started spending time together because Akira thought it was wise to keep a close eye on someone so suspicious.
Yusuke: And now it appears our suspicions were correct.
Ann: yeah but he also has Feelings
Futaba: guess there’s no accounting for taste lol
dunking on joker’s dumb bf zone (6 members, 6 online) - 10/27
Futaba: show of hands, who here has opinions about opera
Futaba: or theatre, or classical music
Futaba: yusuke do not interact we already know this about you
Yusuke: Surely my expertise is relevant to this discussion then?
Futaba: sure but only if u have the exact opposite opinions ak*chi does
Haru: I used to do ballet and I enjoy going to the theatre. Am I similarly disqualified?
Futaba: you’re valid but only bc ur perfect and I love you
Futaba: also I kinda never wanna hear another word about opera in my entire life
Futaba: ak*chi spent like. three hours talking at akira about all these weird music words and I wanted to throw up in his curry
Futaba: and akira was just??? sitting there smiling at him???? like he thought it was cute??????
Futaba: it was the most insufferable nerd flirting I’ve ever seen in my life
Futaba: why can’t he go back to having bad takes about featherman like a normal person
Makoto: what were his opinions?
Makoto: about music, not about Featherman?
Futaba: Idk I didn’t understand half of what he was saying but he was such a snob about it, hardly anything was good enough for him apparently
Futaba: and he said that carmen is overrated
Futaba: he also. took that as an opportunity to show off because he has a Thing about experiencing something in the original language it’s written in or whatever
Futaba: he reads french and german and english and freaking latin
Futaba: who even speaks latin what the hell’s the point
Ann: can we go back to how he thinks carmen’s overrated
Ann: like I don’t even care about opera but no one talks shit about my persona like that
Makoto: I almost admire him
Haru: That sounds like a polite way of saying you want to crush him…
Makoto: a little academic rivalry is healthy!
Ryuji: yeah whatever
Ryuji: anyway I wanna know his bad featherman takes
Ann: I thought u liked musical theater
Ryuji: shut up!!!
Ryuji: I like musicals bc they’re fun and also some of them have the nostalgia value!!!
Ryuji: opera is for pretentious rich ppl who think they’re better than everyone else bc they can afford tickets and speak five billion languages
Futaba: he thinks that season 2 was the best season of the original and also that the ending of season 3 was bad and should’ve been more tragic
Futaba: also he thinks the reboot is better than the original partially bc it’s darker and edgier
Futaba: oh sorry ““more realistic””
Ryuji: imagine being that wrong
Ryuji: I bet his favorite character in the original is like. that asshole from season 1 or something
Ryuji: you know the one
Futaba: actually it’s grey pigeon and he hates that guy too
Ann: ok that’s valid actually
Ann: grey pigeon being his fave not any of the rest of it
Ann: season 2 was so depressing what the hell
Ann: love that we all knew who you meant by ‘that asshole’ though he was the absolute worst
Yusuke: I’ve only seen the first half of season 2 so far and I agree.
Yusuke: The first season was much better in almost every way.
Futaba: only almost????? season 2 frickin sucked
Futaba: just wait til u get to season 3 though that’s when it gets really good
Yusuke: I appreciated the way that tonal shifts were indicated through color symbolism, as well as the allusions to various works of classical literature.
Futaba: yeah ok nerd go to talk to ak*chi then
Futaba: here in this chat we have only correct tv opinions
Ann: don’t actually talk to akechi though
Ann: we don’t need him to know that we have a separate groupchat just to gossip about him
Makoto: in addition to our group chat for plotting against him
Haru: You don’t need to make it sound so sinister…
Makoto: which we should really be getting back to, actually
Ryuji: whatever mom
Ryuji: hey futaba do u think I can get him to tell us some of his other bad media takes
Ryuji: or at least like. that he’s into embarrassing nerdy shit not just pretentious nerdy shit
Ryuji: like what’s his favorite anime
Ryuji: also do u think he had an emo phase
Ann: you had an emo phase you have no room to talk
Futaba: 👀
(5 people reacted with 👀)
Futaba: did he do dumb shit to his hair do u have photographic evidence
Ann: it’s all still on facebook babey!!!!
Ryuji: NO
Ryuji: stop making fun of me and go back to making fun of akechi
Ryuji: don’t you think he has the vibes of a man who still secretly listens to mcr
Ann: akira listens to mcr
Ryuji: yeah but akira’s valid and eyeliner is a good look on him
Ryuji: I mean
Ryuji: that isn’t how I meant that to sound
Haru: I think what you’re trying to say is that Akira’s taste in music is valid because he’s genuine about it, while Akechi pretends that he’s too good for anything that doesn’t fit his image even if he actually enjoys it
Yusuke: He’s hiding his true tastes beyond a facade of professionalism, which would be tragic if he weren’t so smug about it.
Makoto: …I also listen to MCR
(everyone is typing…)
dunking on joker’s dumb bf zone (6 members, 6 online) - 10/28
Ann: he just?? tried to mansplain the plural of persona to me???
Ryuji: personas???? what else could it possibly be???????
Ann: personae apparently
Ann: if you’re some horrible pedantic bastard who speaks latin
Futaba: don’t be so pretentious it’s fucking personas
Haru: Futaba!
Yusuke: I was there, Ann is telling the truth
Ann: like I would lie about something like this
Ann: he’s so petty and smug and he corrected me
Ann: on something that doesn’t even matter
Ann: what the actual hell
Makoto: he’s not technically wrong depending on what you mean by ““correct”” but only obnoxious classists care about that kind of thing, let alone correcting someone in casual conversation
Makoto: *classicists
Ryuji: same thing
Ann: also he’s not right!!
Ann: there’s no so thing as ~correct language like. the thing that makes language right is that it can be understood by other ppl who speak that language bc it’s about communication y’know?
Ann: it’s not about whatever arbitrary standard some asshole wants to hold everyone to!!!
Ann: sorry I have. a lot of feelings about how language is taught lmao
Makoto: that’s a good point Ann
Makoto: of course Akechi would be a prescriptivist :/
Haru: You sound disappointed?
Makoto: I thought he was smarter than that tbh
Futaba: yeah I didn’t I’ve seen his private twitter account
Futaba: haven’t found out what his evil plan is yet but wow he sure has issues
dunking on joker’s dumb bf zone (6 members, 6 online) - 10/29
Ryuji: I can’t decide if it’s really funny or like. really weird
Ryuji: that he wanted his alias to be kurusu like wtf
Ryuji: c’mon. dude. there are easier ways to propose than offering to take their name as your code name
Futaba: yeah so maybe we overestimated him
Futaba: turns out he’s just as stupid about his feelings as akira is
Haru: Have we considered that maybe he’s being honest with us?
Haru: Aside from the fact that he’s been in the Metaverse for longer than he said but there could be an innocent explanation for that. And he does seem to care about Akira, at least.
Ann: yeah did you see him blushing when he realized how that sounded
Ann: I think that’s the most. human I’ve ever seen him look
Makoto: that’s pretty depressing actually
Futaba: yeah this was supposed to the fun chat where we dunk on stupid loser cops
Ryuji: [joker voice] well actually he’s not really a cop he’s only cop-adjacent
Ann: cop-passing
Ryuji: listen he’s working for them that makes him one of them
Ryuji: like have you seen his clothes in the metaverse that’s just a fancy military uniform why is THAT what he thinks a rebel looks like
Ann: not like he has much better taste in the real world either tbh
Yusuke: I thought he looks more like a fairy tale prince, like someone from a Disney film
Ann: again, not very rebellious
Futaba: like a fairy tale prince who’s also a plague doctor
Makoto: isn’t robin hood a disney prince though? so it kind of makes sense in a way?
Haru: No, he’s not. He’s a Disney hero which is different, he doesn’t meet the qualifications to be a Disney prince
Yusuke: Also, Disney’s Robin Hood doesn’t dress like that
Futaba: of course you know that
Yusuke: What do you mean
Futaba: oh you know. just that you have a fox fursona I mean persona and that movie was like. everyone’s furry awakening
Ann: also in case anyone’s interested haru’s right, I just googled it and apparently robin hood’s not an ~official disney prince because he’s ““not human”” and ‘“a fox””
Futaba: damn. discrimination against furries strikes again
Futaba: sorry you’re so oppressed inari
Haru: We can’t assume that everyone who has an animal mask in the Metaverse is a furry, that would implicate half of our group
Ann: yeah you can’t make assumptions about me like that, it’s just a cool mask is all
Ryuji: and a tail…..
Ann: shut up!!!!!
Futaba: I just meant because he’s also an art student
Futaba: but also ur not wrong lol
Ann: anyway back to akechi’s bad fashion sense
Ann: I kinda think it’s maybe more like a marching band uniform tbh??
Ann: except not horribly un-flattering
Ryuji: honestly that’s like. his usual thing
Ryuji: shouldn’t look good but he pulls it off
Ann: you got something you wanna tell us
Ryuji: nope
Ryuji: absolutely not at all even a little bit anyway let’s change the subject
Ann: no I’m very curious about your opinions on akechi’s clothing choices
Ann: because I think they’re bad and he should do better
Ann: but something tells me you might disagree lol
Ryuji: he wears sweater vests ann do you really think I would have anything positive to say about that
Ann: you might be into the nerdy softboy look!!!! I don’t know!!!!!
Haru: Akira apparently is, and I wouldn’t have expected that of him.
Ryuji: he’s not a softboy he’s a prettyboy there’s a difference
Ann: ok whatever I’m still judging you
Futaba: same
Ann: I’m even into men and I don’t think he’s pretty
Ann: maybe if he did something cool to his hair ever or like. didn’t wear so much beige
Ann: it does Not complement his complexion
Makoto: in fairness that’s his school uniform color though, for once something isn’t actually his fault
Futaba: then he should’ve picked a different school