Archive of Our Own

The little machine in my hand, so small yet so powerful. Isn’t it crazy how the littlest things make the biggest impacts? The little ripples grow into tsunamis. 

Though I heard her running through the cavern, I kept my eyes on the wall, I have to do this. I need to, it’s the only way to make this world better. Otherwise, we don’t have a chance.

It’s all for the greater good right? That’s all that matters.

The sound of her steps slowed as she approached me, “Lena,” she called and I turned, My eyes drawing down to the machine before coming back up to meet her gaze. No use hiding anymore, hiding like she did . “Why do you have Myriad?” Even though she posed it as a question, I know it’s really an accusation. An accusation of me and my moralities and my motives and all I hear is her saying you’re a Luthor, you can’t be trusted with a weapon like that, I know you’re only going to go with your family’s nature and use it to do harm.

I blinked my eyes clear, steeling myself to the dramatic speeches and crocodile tears I knew were coming. I shrugged, “well you caught me,” I fought to keep my voice as emotionless as possible. This isn’t a time for emotions, they only get in the way, they’ll only make me pause and a pause is all she needs to reel me back in with her lies. 

Because I know if I let myself she could pull me back in with her ‘love’ and ‘care’ and ‘trust’ and all those things I’ve craved my whole life and thought she was giving me so freely. But I know better than to believe anything can come for free. 

I kept my eyes cold, colder than the tavern we stood in, “I have Myriad because I’m using you,” I had to actively focus to keep my voice plain and even. She deserves this, she deserves this, she deserves this, I reminded myself again and again, “like you used me.” 

No matter what she says she can’t deny using me, she can’t deny that she just kept me around as a key to the Luthor resources. She only ever needed me as a way to get to my lab and my work and everything I’ve poured myself into. And I let her, I let her because I was stupid enough to think she meant it when she said she cared about me. About Lena. Not Lena the Luthor or Lena the genius, just Lena.

Even geniuses can be stupid sometimes.

Her voice shook, she didn’t need to bother having careful control like I do, “I never used you,” she breathed out, so shocked, so sad. As if she didn’t expect this all along. Why wouldn’t she suspect a Luthor doing something so clearly diabolical? 

She just doesn’t understand, does she? Well that’s going to change. Though my eyes had fallen down again, god why does her shaky voice have to chip away my walls? I forced myself to look back up at her. “Do you remember when you finally told me you were supergirl?” How could she forget the day she thought she lost and won back her ‘best friend’? I paused, breathing in every breath of cold hoping it would help my voice be just as bitter, “you were weeping, big crocodile tears,” that’s all she ever did, cry those fake tears and breathe out those lies like an actress on a soap opera. “Well I wept real tears,” more than she’ll ever know, “bitter tears for you,” for you and me, for us. “Weeks before.”

She did not let me continue before she breathed out a “what?” She stuttered as the reality of the situation set it, and I could only watch and will back my tears from resurfacing, “I- I thought-” she let out a shaky breath, composing herself, “how long had you’d known?” She asks that as if that’s the real problem here. 

As much as she destroyed and betrayed me, she deserves answers. Everyone deserves the truth, don’t they? “I found out the day I killed my brother,” I could only hope she didn’t notice my voice just slightly raising in pitch as I admitted my murder. I could only hope this killed her as much as it killed me. 

“Lena,” her voice once again shaky, her emotions still too high, “you didn’t kill Lex, I- that was me,” how sweet, she doesn’t want me to hold that guilt. She doesn’t want me more pain. Her breathing is so shaky I’m surprised she hasn’t started crying yet, “I watched him- I saw him fall,” she insisted.

She is always too quick to assume.

My voice still remains composed even with everything working to ebb away my walls, my armor, and let out my too too many emotions, “you saw him fall but did you see him land?” Such a simple question, but the most important. The simplest ones always are. “Did you see him die?” Once again, my voice got just a bit too high on the word ‘die’. 

I nodded, as if it was validation, “I did,” I didn’t pause this time, “and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty.” I felt my eyes glass over with tears. 

Her head shook, “that’s impossible…”

And I thought it was impossible for me to let myself be betrayed again. “Anything’s possible when you’re a Luthor.” It’s even possible for a Luthor to be betrayed for the hundredth time, even after swearing it would never happen again. “Lex used his transmitter portal watch,” her eyes widened, “I knew exactly where he’d go,” I said it so simply as if it didn’t hold the weight of a life. I continued, “the cabin we loved when we were children. So I was there waiting for him,” I wasn’t looking at her anymore, looking for a reaction, it was more through her. As if I was looking at Lex again. “I had the gun ready. Loaded. I could feel the weight of it in my hands. Every fiber in my being-” I finally took a shaky breath, “every fiber in my being rebelled but I- I didn’t want to do it,” I finally looked at her.

At her. At Kara the woman I trusted, the woman I gave my everything to. “But I knew I had to because if Lex lived the world wouldn’t be safe, my friends wouldn’t be safe, so I forced myself to pull the trigger,” I took a breath, forcing my voice which had been growing in volume to cool down, “I shot my own brother in the chest.”

Kara once again let out a labored breath as if she was the one who had pulled the trigger. But she was. I may have shot a Luthor in the chest but she shot on in the heart. 

I kept going, “his final words to me were that I was a fool,” I breathed out his words as if they were my own final words, “that my best friend, that every friend I had was lying to me,” I paused but this time I couldn’t compose myself, “with his dying breath he told me that you were supergirl.” Though I smiled it could not have been more out of pain. Bitterness graces my lips like my dark lipstick, staining me and showing off how stupid I am to be fooled yet again. 

She took deep breaths, head shaking as if she could actually convince me she wasn’t a liar, “Lena, you have to believe me,” she walked closer to me, “I never meant to humiliate you.” 

How can you spew out endless lies to me and not intend to humiliate me? And even if it wasn’t your intention you can’t deny that you did, that you do. Because what is more humiliating than loving a person who clearly never loved you. 

I stopped her before she could keep on lying and lying and lying and lying. Though my voice was clearly choked up, eyes somehow glassier than before, I continued on, “no, when I came to this city, I promised myself that I would never trust anyone again and-” I cut myself off, before I could start crying again. Because as much as I hate to admit it all I want to do is cry again, let out all the pain she caused me and still causes me, but I can’t. “Then I met you,” it’s always you , “and you chipped away my armor with your warmth and your earnestness and you convinced me to trust in people,” I breathed out the word trust like my dying breath, “and friendship again and against my better judgement, I did.”

I let out a slow breath, forcing my tears to stay at bay, “All the while telling you about my Achilles heel,” once again that pained smile pulled at my lips, “betrayal,” it came out in almost a laugh, because even a Luthor can be stupid enough to be broken, stupid enough to believe that when they turn their back wont be stabbed. 

This time, my deep breath did not hide how choked up I am, “I confided in you, that everyone in my past has betrayed me. About how much it hurt…” my breaths are far too shaky, I ignored the tear that escaped my eye, “to have someone you love lie to you and betray you,” after the pain always comes the anger, “I spelled it out to you over and over again, essentially begging you not to violate my trust,” begging and begging like the pathetic little thing I am , “ begging you not to prove that, once again, I was a fool.” I am a fool, constantly, always. As much anger and pain and humiliation and bitterness that went into the word ‘fool’ could never be enough to accurately display my emotions. 

“You reassured me ad nauseam that you would never lie to me,” I gulped in some air but it’s never enough, “that you’d never hurt me.” My lips turned into almost a snarl, “And all that while there wasn’t a single honest moment in our friendship.”

That is when she had the audacity to cut me off, “no! No, that is not true-”

But I have audacity too, with a yell I insisted, “no! I killed my brother for you,” no, she doesn’t deserve that, “for our friends!” I didn’t bother to keep down my screams, all cold emotionlessness gone, “don’t you understand what you’ve done?!” No, she doesn’t. She couldn’t understand, how could she?

With a sniffle, with a cry, she finally broke. Like she broke me. Her shattered voice sounded, “when you found out, why didn’t come to me right away, so I could explain-” but that was far enough.

“‘Explain?’” That sick smile came back onto my face, “yeah?”

She can not meet my eye, “if you hate me so much, why… why not put me at the Pulitzer party?”

There. There it is, the proof she never understood me, and never even tried to. She thinks I could actually hate her, that’s laughable really. Because the problem isn’t that I hate her, it’s that I can’t hate her. That as much as she makes me scream and cry and beg, I can’t manage to hate her. Even as she shot me in the heart and watched me shatter like glass, even when she watched me break and did nothing about it, I can’t hate her. I hate that I can’t hate her, I hate how weak she’s made me. Luthors aren't supposed to be weak, they’re not supposed to scream and cry and beg. She’s like my own personal kryptonite, and whether you love or hate kryptonite it still makes you weak. 

She let out a few deep breaths before she asked her next question, “why pretend to still be my friend this long?”

Isn’t it ironic that this is our first completely truthful conversation?

She finally gave me time to recollect myself, resteel myself, put my armor back up, “because I wanted you to experience what you did to me,” my pause may have seemed like emphasis but it was really to keep my armor as strong as it could be, though cracked it is, “feel what I felt.” Yet my voice still came out choked and pained, how does she always bring my pain back to the surface?

Her breaths were so labored I’m surprised she hasn’t started hyperventilating, “I understand your pain and your fury and- and you’re right.” She manages to lie while also saying something true. “I made a big mistake,” she dared to walk even closer to me, “maybe the biggest mistake of my life, but please , Lena, please don’t leave the Fortress with Myriad.” Now she’s the one begging, “Please don’t let my mistake push you to do something terrible. You are a good person.”

How dare she say what I am! How dare she give herself any power over me and who I am! 

“No!” I cut her off, “no, you don’t ever get to tell me who or what I am again!” 

Before either of us could say anything, the next step of my plan began, “intruder!” the automated voice called out, “intruder!” Smoke and green light billowed up around Supergirl and she was succumbed. 

I hate how much hearing her pain hurts me, even after everything she’s done.

With a few pained grunts, she asked, “did you reprogram the Fortress défenses to attack me?”

“Yes,” I answered simply, “and I have rigged it to answer to this little button I have in my hand.” I held up the glowing red button to her, hoping that would distract from the brokenness of my own voice.

Her voice matched mine, “are you going to try to kill me?” 

I know what I should to, I should tell her that no I’m not going to kill you. That no, even though I’ve imagined myself killing you, causing you physical pain for all the emotional torture you’ve put me though, I just can’t do it to the real you. Because as many simulations as I’ve done, as many times as I’ve unflinchingly destroyed you in simulation after simulation, I just can’t bear to kill the real you. Even just watching her cry in pain is only succeeding to destroy me more. 

Because when I look into your eyes I still look for the love I one thought I saw, I still look for that care and trust I was so sure was there. Because as much as I want to hate you, I’ve never loved someone more. And not even a Luthor can kill the person they love most. 

I took a ragged breath, my practiced composure once again failing me, I should tell her how I’m not a villain. I know I should I tell her how she should have never treated me like a villain, like a Luthor . I should walk out of here and never give her another thought.

But I can’t. 

Because as much as I want to say she has no hold on me anymore, that there’s no more strings attached, I still can’t get rid of that deeply ingrained desperation for her to understand me. Once you’ve thought you had someone like supergirl, no like Kara, you can’t just walk away. 

I met her eye, “you never understood me.” And that she can not deny, if she had understood me then she would have known I was never the villain, I still am not, and I never will be. “Did you even try to understand me?”

“Lena-” I didn’t give her time to answer.

My armor just can’t help but crumble under her gaze, even though now it’s so much harder than ever before, that lovely softness burnt out, “if you understood me you would know I’m not a villain. If you understood me you would trust that what I’m doing is for the greater good,” I let out a sick laugh, “isn’t it ironic? Me, Lena Luthor , preaching to Supergirl about the greater good? All you ever do is for the greater good. But you can’t see me as part of that, can you?” 

How could a Luthor ever be allowed anywhere near something labeled good?

She stood still as I continued, “You can use my technology and use my brain, but you never wanted me,” even as much as I wanted you. “You could never trust a Luthor, right? It’s common sense. You can use them, make good out of their works, but they can’t be good. I can’t ever be good in your eyes, can I?”

Even though I told her she can’t say who I am anymore, that doesn’t erase how long I’ve desperately wanted her to think of me as good. To think of me as a hero. To think of me as everything she could have ever wanted.

But I’ve always been one to work for dream that, in reality, will never work out. 

I didn’t bother to wipe away the tear escaping my eye and down my cheek, she deserves to watch. Because as much as it goes against everything in me to let someone see me so weak and pathetic, she deserves to see the pain she caused me. 

I didn’t blink back the next tear trying to force its way out of my eye. We stood there, her tears openly falling now, I’m not sure if they’re more from the physical pain of the trap, or from the emotional pain of all of this. I know what my tears are from. Even as she cried she couldn’t come up with a response to my question. 

I finally let out a sob, “you know what the worst part was?” I didn’t wait for her to try to come up with a reply, “it wasn’t that I trusted you more than anyone else in my life, it wasn’t that I was stupid enough to believe you trusted me too,” with each word more tears fell, “It wasn’t that I believed that of everyone in the world, you actually saw the good in me. No, no, it was that I was stupid enough to let myself love you,” my laugh came out more as a sob, “and I actually thought you could love me too.” 

Now we once again matched, both letting out pathetic sob after sob, “I- Lena, I did- I do-”

“No!” I stopped her with a shout, “don’t you dare say you love me,” I opened my arms, emphasizing our situation, “is this what you call love? You lying and breaking me to the point that my only solution is to trap you so you can finally hear me out? This isn’t what I call love.”

Do I even know what love is?

My eyes cast down, voice softening, “but maybe that’s the point, I don’t know what love is. I thought you were showing me,” I looked back up, “I thought I could trust you to show me what love really is. I always knew I could never have what you and Mon El  had or what Alex and Kelly have, but I thought,” I looked up as my cries came out harder, “I thought we could have something. Something of our own.”

But even geniuses can have stupid thoughts, stupid ideas, stupid wants. 

Her eyes widened in realization, I guess I wasn’t the only blind one , “Lena I never thought-”

I choked down the next sob, “yeah that’s right, you never thought. You never thought about my feelings, you never thought about our relationship. All you cared was you and you and nothing but you and your little secret. No room for no one else but your secret.” And god that should not kill me so much. 

Maybe it’s wrong to not let her get out what she wants to say, but she’s said enough. Or rather, not said enough. And it’s too late now.

I hate that part of me that doesn’t want it to be too late.

Though I wanted to scream it, fill the words with every bit of rage and fury in me, it came out as a broken whisper, “I love you. But maybe that was my real Achilles heel.” Not even I, in this moment, had the heart to use past tense. 

Tears still falling from her eyes, face green in pain, breathing still irregular, I kept talking, “but that doesn’t matter now. Because as far as my small sample of understanding goes, you don’t treat someone you love the way you treated me.” 

Button in my hand, my finger traced over it, such a light touch and it would be over for her. She’d be out of the way. Even if she can’t understand it, this is what’s for the best. If she stays here, I won’t have to go to worse measures to stop her from preventing me from doing what’s best for the world. 

It should be easy, just a simple little button, it shouldn’t be so hard. 

Instead I stepped closer to her, “how can you love me and still lie to me from the moment you met me?” 

This time, I did leave it open for response. As much as she doesn’t understand, I don’t understand everything either. 

Her veins still glowing green and through the sniffles she tried to answer, “Lena, I was wrong to lie to you. You’re right, when you love someone you shouldn’t treat them how I treated you,” she finally says something right. “Being wrong doesn’t mean not loving you though. In the beginning, it was to protect me. Because trust takes time and then once I got to know you, I wanted to protect you. I wanted so desperately to protect you and I thought that knowing my secret would do nothing but endanger you.”

“And so you sacrificed my physical well-being for my emotional well-being?” I asked incredulously. I know I need to go, if I don’t leave soon Eve will know something is wrong. That is, if she doesn’t already. But I can’t bring myself to leave, not yet at least.

She nodded, through all the pain, “I did, and I was so selfish. In the end, I wanted what I thought was the easiest path. It stopped being about you, and it ended up about me and my fear. And I was scared for things to change, because you were- you are my best friend and I didn’t want anything to change.”

I did want things to change though. But even before everything changed, she didn’t want that then, and so how could she ever want that now?

Do I still want that now?

I hate that the answer is the wrong one. I can feel Lex turning in his grave at the answer. 

She pulled me out of my thoughts, “Lena, I can’t change what I did. As much as I desperately wish I could, I can’t. How can we work through this? What can I do to help make this better?” And in her voice, you really could hear how genuinely desperate she was and for a second, for a moment I wanted to let her out of the trap. For a moment I wanted her to pull me into a hug and say we’ll work everything out and we can both cry ourselves out but that’s okay because we’re together.

I shoved those stupid thoughts down, “you can’t,” I told her with all the decisiveness I could muster, “you can’t just betray me and expect everything to be okay again.”

She shook her head, “I know it won’t be okay right away, maybe not for a long time. But it can be okay one day if we both work for it, if we both keep fighting for each other, for our friendship… for- for our love.”

That’s what got my anger to surge back up, “don’t you dare try to convince me you could love me like- that you could really love me.” God how does she always manage to take down my armor? This time I did wipe away my tears, I haven’t let myself cry in front of someone like this since- god I’ve never cried this hard in front of someone… 

She is not above begging, “please, Lena please give me the chance to show you we can move forward together. That even when things are at their worst we can still get through it.” 

How stupid would I be to believe her? 

I crossed my arms, “and how do I know that if I let you go that you won’t just bring to me to prison and destroy all the good I’m doing?”

“Because I trust you,” she continued before I could protest, “now more than ever. Because you’ve finally been honest with me and now that we’re both being honest, we can grow to be closer than ever before.”

I let out a breath, this is most likely a trap. There is almost no chance that it isn’t a trap. But I can always trap her again like she's probably trapping me. It’s not like she knows about Eve, she’ll come get me if anything happens. It’s not like she can bring me lower than I am now. I stepped closer to her, “no more lies?”

She nodded furiously, “no more lies.” 

With that, I turned to reprogram the Fortress yet again. If Lex could see me now he'd shoot me himself. The second she was free she stepped towards me , but I stood my ground. 

Instead of attacking me or flying me to a prison, she asked, “can I please hug you?” Though she caught me off guard, for some reason I don’t understand, I nodded. She rushed forward and pulled me into a hug so tight she must have been using her super strength, but it didn’t hurt. With a sniffle she whispered, “I do love you Lena.”

Part of me still doesn’t understand why I let her go or how I’m gullible enough to believe her, but I hugged her back

Maybe she doesn’t love me how I love her, but maybe it’s enough that she loves me at all.