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David wasn’t sure what just happened.
As he laid there in his fiancé’s (very) warm arms, David’s mind raced after hearing what Patrick had just suggested.
David was initially amused and smitten with Patrick’s antics after his surgery, and had no idea where the conversation was going, until it took this serious turn.
A baby ?
Sure, David knew that Patrick was high on drugs. But based on David’s personal experience he knew that being under the influence unleashed some deep thoughts or secrets that one usually had. Was that it? Did Patrick secretly want to have a baby and never told David because he knew David never wanted kids?
‘Mmm.’ Patrick mumbled and the warm arms that engulfed David in a bear hug a second ago went away and David felt a sudden push, causing David to flail and almost fall off the bed.
‘Okay.’ David awkwardly caught himself from falling and stood up immediately. Patrick was now frowning, and fumbled with the zip of his hoodie, mumbling something about how he was hot and hungry and a hippo. David rolled his eyes in exasperation and helped Patrick shed his hoodie off, determined to tuck his delirious fiancé tightly into the bed. While Patrick was being unbelievably adorable at the moment, all drugged up, David did not have the mental capacity to deal with the prospect of his delirious fiancé escaping the bed and the idea of a baby at the same time. As David propped the pillows and laid a heavy, basically asleep Patrick on the pillows, tucking him in, David caught himself off guard in the moment, realising how much he actually cared for Patrick.
David realised he would do anything for this man. He would do this every day if he had to. (Although he would never admit that to Patrick. It was just too much work.)
Patrick started snoring softly, and David couldn’t help but smile. He had grown to love his husband-to-be’s little habits, especially his snoring. It wasn’t obnoxiously loud that would inevitably break David one day and force them to have a divorce, but rather a soft, almost gentle snore, a snore that David thought was so unbearably Patrick. On nights when David slept over and had trouble falling asleep, David would wait for Patrick to fall asleep first, waiting for his soft snores to lull David into a soft comfort and eventually fall asleep. David smiled softly and kissed Patrick’s forehead, whispering a soft ‘love you’, before walking to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee for himself.
David then realised that he had unknowingly just distracted himself from the issue.
The baby.
'Fuck.' David cursed softly, as he quietly paced the kitchen floor.
Leave it to Patrick to distract David from his anxieties even while unconscious.
His mind started racing again, filled with possibilities about how Patrick was going to leave him or how they would have to discuss this issue again. David was sure Patrick knew that he didn’t want kids, David wasn’t exactly subtle about his feelings about children, just like everything else. David knew the discussion would inevitably result in Patrick compromising and giving in to David again, like he always did. David’s heart ached with guilt. He didn’t mean to be difficult about so many things. He just had certain preferences, and David found it hard to cope when things didn’t go his way. Then came along Patrick, who would not only listen to David and his whining, but actually try and understand where David was coming from. Not without a shit eating grin and sass, of course, but nonetheless.
His sweet, compromising, perfect, Patrick.
David still pinched himself every day that he had the opportunity to meet Patrick when he did. Not everyone had the luck to find their other half, and David felt incredibly grateful. Patrick still surprises David every day whenever he wakes up and realises that Patrick hasn’t just up and left David in the middle of the night, like he did with Rachel.
David's eyes widen in panic when the thought of Rachel crosses his mind. He was spiralling, and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself. Patrick was always there to lightly mock David and rationalise David’s irrationality to pull David out of his spiral, but now he was unconscious, contently snoring away.
David sat with his coffee and his thoughts for a good while, fiddling with his rings, and couldn’t helping thinking about Patrick in the car earlier in the day, talking about how he had imagined a wife and kid two years back. Maybe this was something Patrick really wanted, but never told David because he knew David’s strong feelings towards children, and because of that, repressed that need just for David. David bit his lip, taking a glance at the love of his life on the bed. This was the man of his dreams, and David hated himself for not being able to make him as happy as he made David.
David wasn’t certain about a lot of things in life. But he was certain that he did not want kids. Not just because they were a chore or an inconvenience, but because they were a responsibility. As much as David loved his parents, he blamed them for his and Alexis’ upbringing. They were absent most of his childhood, and he knew their absence played a part in shaping David into the person he was today. David wasn’t the best person, and he knew it. He saw it in how all his previous relationships couldn’t last more than a few months. He saw it in how he found Patrick had to compromise almost all the time when they reached an impasse. David was damaged goods, and he knew that if he had kids, he would inevitable damage them as well. And Patrick didn’t deserve that.
Sure, David and his family had grown over the past few years in this small town. David himself realised how much he had changed for the better. But David wasn’t sure it was enough. David still had to grow. He wanted to be the perfect partner for Patrick, and he knew that having a baby might just open Patrick’s eyes to see how flawed David still was. David couldn’t have a baby. That was for certain. Now he just had to figure out how to break it to Patrick.
David’s phone buzzed, and David saw that it was just his sister reminding him that his mom’s premiere was in four hours. David raised his head and shut his eyes momentarily. This was going to be hard enough as it is, and now they had a premiere to go to together, as if the hugest bomb wasn’t just dropped on David. David was about to text Alexis about his current situation before stopping himself. Somehow David knew his sister wouldn’t have the response he wanted. Besides, David guessed that Alexis would probably be too busy to even deal with David right now. She had to deal with their mother after all. David could feel his anxiety climbing as he continued thinking about the situation, and realised he probably needed help. David nodded to himself. An outside opinion would probably help. David whipped out his phone and started texting Stevie.
After an hour of Stevie reassuring David that Patrick was high as a kite when this conversation took place, David’s nerves eventually calmed a bit. Stevie hadn’t helped as much as David thought she would, her snarky comments about how David would clean up baby poop or burp a baby didn’t help, but Stevie eventually reminded David that Patrick knew him like the back of his hand. The topic of having a baby together was most probably the result of the drugs. David wasn’t the most convinced, but he was convinced enough to stop panicking and calm down, opting to make another cup of coffee and resting while waiting for Patrick to wake up.
David made his way to the side of the bed, hoping that Patrick would sense David’s presence and wake up. David yearned for a lucid Patrick to be awake, to comfort David, like he always did, but alas, Patrick was still sound asleep. But as David looked fondly at his fiancé passed out on the bed, he realised that this was probably all for naught. He and Patrick were good. They complemented each other like two pieces in a puzzle, and David knew that whatever obstacles were to come their way, David knew, just by looking at Patrick, that they would be able to figure it out.
And David was right.