Work Text:
They’re sitting together in relatively companionable silence in Alec’s office, each sipping a glass of wine, and Magnus rather liked the relaxed look on Alec’s face. He’d missed it. Sometimes they talked, and sometimes they didn’t, but after the children were in bed, they always took just a few minutes to themselves and spent the time together.
Magnus took another slow sip of his wine before he closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. He heard Alec make an inquisitive noise and took a second to organize his thoughts around what he wanted to ask.
“Just ask it, Magnus,” Alec said, relaxing back into his chair. He could see the question practically itching under Magnus’ skin, his fingers tapping impatiently on the arm of his chair. “You know I don’t mind.”
“Will you…” Magnus started and took a deep breath, opening his eyes to look at Alec before turning his eyes back to the ceiling. He blew out the breath he’d taken in and smiled faintly. “Will you tell me about becoming a warlock?”
Alec blinked and put down his wine glass, looking at Magnus’ carefully relaxed posture in the chair in front of him. “You...want me to tell you about that?”
Magnus hummed and closed his eyes again. “I’d like to hear about it, if you want. I didn’t get to experience it with you. So I would like you to tell me about it.”
Alec stood up from behind his desk and walked around the desk, stopping in front of Magnus in his chair before giving him a nudge with his foot. “If we’re doing that, we’re going to curl up on the couch in my room. Much comfier.”
Magnus let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and stood up, banishing their wine glasses with a wave of his fingers before he let Alec lead the way towards his room. The small sparks of magical signatures he could read in the house were still sleeping peacefully and he smiled as he stepped into Alec’s room and towards the couch. In a second, Alec was sprawled out on it, and Magnus chuckled before kicking off his shoes and joining him.
“All right,” Alec said, looking at Magnus. “Where do you want me to start?”
“Wherever you want,” Magnus told him, smiling faintly when Alec picked up his feet and draped them across his lap, giving them a spot of connection that they both needed for conversations like this. “Though I’d like to know when you made the decision.”
“Okay,” Alec said, relaxing back into the couch cushions, reaching out to rub slow circles against Magnus’ ankle. He laughed and glanced towards Magnus. “I think it’s going to be a lot different than you expected.”
Magnus raised an eyebrow and summoned a cup of tea for them both, glad to give his hands something to do. “What makes you say that?”
“Well,” Alec started, looking down at his cup with a faint smile. “The first time I ever really thought of it, I didn’t think of it at all. It was just...what I knew needed to happen. It was inevitable, really.”
“How so?”
Alec grinned and glanced over at Magnus. “Because the first time I thought about it without thinking was when you were trapped in Edom and we were trying to figure out how to get to you. Nephilim couldn’t go to Edom. So, I asked Simon to turn me into a vampire.”
Magnus’ eyes widened. “You what?”
“Yeah,” Alec snorted. “I would have made a horrendous vampire.”
“Alexander, you mean to tell me that before Clary came up with the Alliance rune-”
Alec nodded. “Yeah. I wanted Simon to turn me into a vampire. I was going to Edom to get you. I didn’t care if it was a one-way trip or not. I wasn’t going to leave you alone. I couldn’t.”
Magnus’ mouth went dry and tears gathered in his eyes as he breathed through that. Alec had known that he wanted forever, even back then. Before they’d been married, before they’d built a life together in New York, and then again in Alicante.
“Magnus?” Alec asked, his voice tentative. The pained expression on Magnus’ face made his heart ache.
Magnus took a sip of his tea, trying to gather his thoughts. “You just surprised me, that’s all,” he admitted, blinking open his eyes to smile faintly at Alec. “You are right though, you would have made a terrible vampire. Also, you would miss cheeseburgers far too much.”
Alec laughed, some of the tension fading from his shoulders at the faint joke from Magnus. “You are right, I absolutely would have.” He exhaled hard and then looked across the room, remembering when he’d not only thought about it but had made the decision. It had been so long ago now.
“I don’t know…” Alec began. “That there is one specific moment that I can point to that changed it from something I idly considered whenever I remembered that you were immortal and I wasn’t-”
Magnus hummed and nodded, watching Alec.
“-but I do know the moment I made the decision,” Alec continued. He breathed out slowly and smiled. “It wasn’t anything special. I was coming home after work, and you were already home. You had music playing. You had a glass of wine, and you were dancing around in your socks, just swaying to the music with a smile on your face.” His eyes fluttered shut and he continued, his voice a whisper. “I walked in the door and you turned and smiled at me, and your face...you lit up and your glamour was down and I was hit with the realization of how much I wanted that forever. Not just for a decade, or five, or however any I’d be blessed to have. I wanted that smile, that look on your face, every single day I could have it.”
His chest felt too tight and Magnus blinked hard, tears falling down his cheeks between one blink and the next. That moment was what had decided it for Alec? Had made him decide to become immortal, to no longer be a nephilim, a shadowhunter?
“Hey,” Alec said softly, reaching out to gently cup Magnus’ face in his hand, tugging him a bit closer, wiping away the tears. “Don’t cry, Magnus, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Magnus wanted to laugh, but instead, he focused on leaning into Alec’s touch on his cheek, breathing out slowly. “You didn’t upset me, Alexander.” He heard Alec make a snort and opened his eyes to glare at him briefly. “You didn’t,” he said, stubbornly. “I just… that was the moment that made you decide to stop being a shadowhunter? A Nephilim? Everything you’d ever known?”
Alec smiled and reached out to take Magnus’ hand, putting his tea down next to him on the desk. “It was the moment that I decided being happy with you was the most important thing in my life. And that I wanted to dedicate as long as I could, to making you just as happy.”
“Fuck,” Magnus whispered, lifting a hand to his face, breathing hard through the tears that were now streaming down his face. He’d been such a coward, running from Alexander as long as he had. “I’m so sorry, Alec. I’m so sorry. I’m so-”
“Hey,” Alec interrupted, giving Magnus’ hand a slow squeeze, waiting for wet golden eyes to meet his. “This is not about making you feel guilty, Magnus. I think we’re carrying enough guilt between the both of us that we’re tapped out on it, okay?”
Magnus swallowed and forced himself to nod, wiping off his cheeks frantically. “What is this about then? I know, fuck, I know I asked, Alexander, but…”
“This is the story of how one of your best friends became my friend too,” Alec said, his voice soft and teasing. “Because when I knew what I wanted, I knew you well enough to know that you wouldn’t help me do this.”
Magnus winced, even though it was true. “But Catarina did?”
“Catarina…” Alec blew out a hard breath and laughed. “I think I asked her five or six different times before she did more than slam the door in my face.”
Magnus blinked in surprise and then burst out laughing, because that sounded exactly like his best friend. “What did she do instead once she stopped slamming the door in your face?”
“She cast a truth spell on me, convinced I wasn’t being truthful,” Alec said with a grin. “It also shoved me back against the wall and pinned me to it. I don’t think she was expecting to see that I was being honest.”
Magnus smiled and leaned against the couch, tracing his eyes over Alec’s profile. “What did you say to her?”
Alec blew out a hard breath. “A bunch of things. That I loved you enough to want to do this. That I was doing it, not just for you, but for me, that I didn’t want to leave you alone, things like that.”
“What finally convinced her?” Magnus asked, meeting Alec’s bright blue eyes. The familiar sight of his warlock mark made something settle in the pit of his stomach and he squeezed Alec’s hand.
“Now that, I remember perfectly,” Alec said. “I hadn’t let her close the door on me. I shouted something to the effect of knowing that I was going to watch my loved ones die. I knew that I was going to watch Isabelle, Jace, Max, all of my family die. I knew it, and I had accepted that, because getting forever with you was worth that pain. And it would hurt, angels it would hurt, but the idea of leaving you alone, heartbroken, hurt even more.”
Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand tight and breathed out slowly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know you don’t want me to apologize, Alexander. But I am-”
“Magnus,” Alec managed, squeezing his hand. “Do you know why I don’t want you to apologize?”
Magnus shook his head. “You should be demanding that I grovel at your feet for years for what I did to you, Alexander, I can’t fathom why you-”
“Magnus,” Alec interrupted again, growling. He pulled on the warlock’s hand, forcing Magnus to look at him. “If we are going to really try to build something new between the both of us, it can’t start with either of us in that position.” He softened his voice and took a deep breath. “Magnus, I desperately want to build something new with you. But I don’t want it to be based around punishment you believe that you deserve.”
“I hurt you,” Magnus said, his voice harsh.
“And I’ve hurt you,” Alec snapped back. “Or do we need to go through my laundry list of mistakes? Because trust me they are plentiful and many still haunt me to this day.”
Magnus sighed and closed his eyes. “You know that I’ve long since forgiven you for any of-”
“Don’t lie,” Alec said, his voice quiet and flat. “Don’t lie to me, Magnus. Don’t pretend that you’ve forgiven me for going behind your back with Catarina.”
The words fell like blows and Magnus sucked in a hard breath, even as he felt Alec’s fingers tighten around his hand, an anchoring point between the both of them. “I don’t…” Magnus shook his head, not even sure where he had been going with that sentence. “That’s complicated,” he finally settled on. “I certainly don’t hate you or Catarina for it, nor am I upset with you for it now, understanding why.” He winced. “Especially considering how I reacted, you were right to approach it how you did. Do I like it? No, not even in hindsight. But do I understand it? Yes.”
Alec was silent, looking down at their hands.
“I…” Magnus took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders. “The amazing years with you do not erase centuries of bad habits I have formed, Alexander. The, the desire to hurt myself, emotionally, to hand you the power to do that-” he clenched his eyes shut and inhaled painfully. “It’s, it’s how I show I’m worth it. Worth you dealing with, with the rest.”
“I waited, Magnus,” Alec said, speaking softly. “I would have waited another decade, and then I’d probably have gone to track down your stubborn ass.”
Magnus choked on a sob and kept his eyes shut, even though Alec didn’t let go of his hand.
“You are, and always have been, worth it, all on your own, Magnus. I don’t love you for what you give me, and I certainly didn’t marry you for what you could give me,” Alec said, lifting Magnus’ hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “I love you. Demons and all.” He paused and offered Magnus a smile. “Sometimes more literally than others.”
A snorted laugh escaped Magnus without him meaning to and he blinked his eyes open, staring at Alec. He swallowed hard and forced himself to admit the thought lurking at the back of his mind. “I’m scared,” he whispered. “If, if I don’t allow you, to, take your pound of flesh from me, as it were. That someday, someday you’ll hold that against me.”
Alec considered that and hummed, rubbing his thumb along the back of Magnus’ hand. “Do you believe me when I say that I would never do that to you?”
Magnus nodded and forced the words out of his throat. “Yes, yes, Alexander I do.”
“But the insecurity and fear is still there?” Alec pressed, watching Magnus carefully.
“Yes,” Magnus whispered, nodding again.
Alec lifted Magnus’ hand and gave it another soft kiss. “A long time ago, you taught me there are very different types of pain in the world, Magnus.”
“I, yes?” Magnus agreed, confusion coloring his tone. “Why is that-“
“What if…” Alec started and paused. “If you don’t want to do this, don’t you dare lie to me about it. But I think it might help both of us.”
Magnus frowned, blinking at Alec. “All right. What is it?”
Alec took a deep breath. “What if you did something painful, but it wasn’t me hurting you?”
Magnus stared at Alec and tilted his head. “What are you thinking?”
“Tell me about something painful from your past,” Alec said, his voice soft and certain. “If you need to hurt for what you did, Magnus, tell me something you kept from me. The memory might be painful for you, for both of us. But I’ll still be here at the end of it.”
Sucking in a hard breath, Magnus felt his heart pound. “Alexander, I don’t...I don’t know if that’s the best idea.”
Alec shrugged and settled a little closer to Magnus, squeezing his hand. “It might not be. But if I waited for you for forty-two years, Magnus, don’t you think I’m strong enough to face whatever else you have left to throw at me?”
A tear slid down Magnus’ cheek, and he was glad for Alec’s tight hold on his hand, otherwise, he would be shaking apart. “I...now?”
“No,” Alec said with a shake of his head and a faint smile. “For now, I’m going to tell you more about my journey with Catarina. Tracking down ingredients, some of the frank conversations we had.” He met Magnus’ tear-filled eyes and smiled. “We’re going to talk about what she’s trained me on, and what she hasn’t, because I wanted to save things for you to teach me someday.”
Magnus swallowed and stared at Alec. “Did you always know I was going to come back?”
Alec shook his head. “No, Magnus, I didn’t. But I hoped. I hoped that you would, someday.”
“I’m glad I did,” Magnus whispered. The familiar exhaustion had been slowly fading, every moment with Alec soothing a gaping wound he hadn’t admitted he had for the longest time. He forced a small smile on his face. “Someone has to teach you to be a proper warlock after all.”
Alec raised his eyebrows. “I could tell Catarina you said that.”
Magnus’ eyes widened in horror. “Don’t you dare!”
Alec smiled again, letting the tense moment between them fade. He gave Magnus a tug, arranging them on the couch until Magnus was laying side by side with him. He pressed a kiss to the top of Magnus’ head. “Do you know why I suggested you tell me all those things you keep hidden?”
Magnus shook his head and gave a shaky exhale. “No.”
“Because,” Alec started. “If I know the skeletons you keep buried and hidden? If I know the darkest parts of you, and you have me here, holding your hand at the end of it all? Maybe you will begin to believe me when I say that I’m not going anywhere. That you do deserve happiness, and that you do deserve a life, if you want it…” he paused and exhaled shakily. “with me.”
Magnus tightened his hold on Alec and nodded, hard and multiple times, his voice too choked to manage the words, despite his best efforts. “I do, Alexander. I do. I just…” he swallowed. “I don’t want to lose you because of who I used to be.”
“Who you used to be led you to being who you are today,” Alec said, his voice soft. “That is the person I love, and I never want you to forget that.”
Magnus took a deep breath and nodded, slowly. “Okay, Alexander.” He had to trust Alec, because Alec was giving him a second chance, and that was worth everything in the world. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all I ask,” Alec whispered against Magnus’ hair. He took a few deep breaths and smiled before leaning back against the couch. “All right, let’s talk about my journey to becoming a warlock. So, after Catarina stopped slamming doors in my face, it still took at least another three months of impromptu visits for her to…”
Magnus let Alec’s voice wash over him as he stayed curled close. It was comforting, the soft rising and lowering of Alec’s cadence as he told the story, the words washing over him like a balm on wounds. He smiled, even laughed in a few places, grinning against Alec’s shirt, and it felt like maybe they were laying the foundation for something new together.
By the time Alec was done telling the story, Magnus was smiling again, but exhaustion had him not wanting to move out of the comforting circle of Alexander’s arms. He closed his eyes and braced himself to get up and to summon a portal back to his loft, with its too quiet stillness, and too big bed.
“Will you stay?” Alec breathed. His arms tightened around Magnus. “You, you don’t have to, and just, just to sleep. But…” he trailed off, his voice going small. “But it’d be nice to fall asleep with you again, Magnus.”
Magnus’ breath caught and he stared at Alexander in surprise before nodding and climbing off the couch with a grunt. “I’d love that,” he said, smiling. With a quick snap, he was in sleep pants and a tank top, his makeup gone. He watched Alec mutter under his breath that he was showing off before Alec did the same, a quick snap, changing himself into sleepwear, boxers and a tshirt.
Magnus blinked and stared at Alec in surprise. He started to laugh, shaking his head. “I’m going to have to get used to that,” he admitted.
Alec gave him a sheepish smile and held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s get some rest.”
Magnus let Alec tug him towards the bed and nodded. Curled up in the comfortable blankets, their fingers still tangled together, Magnus closed his eyes and let Alec’s familiar snores lull him to a night of deep, dreamless sleep.