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Remus was sitting by the window in the shared dorm room and watched as heavy rain clouds rolled in on the horizon, slowly covering the sky and blocking out the last remnants of sunlight. It started to rain
It was Saturday mid-October and his mates were out playing quidditch and would no doubt be returning soon, soaking wet from the weather. They had asked him to join them, and even though quidditch wasn’t his favorite activity he usually went.
Starting sixth year everyone had come back looking much older, and there was an air of anticipation of soon becoming adults. Since the results came back from the OWLs, and the choices for optional courses had been made, most people had started discussing career plans and hopes for the future. Except for Remus.
Back in July, when Remus had been sitting with the parchment instructing him to make his choices for the coming year, his father had come up to him. Remus OWL results had even been beyond expectations, he could have chosen whatever subjects he wanted. Lyall sat down beside him, wanting to talk. About coming of age, about a future career, and about being a werewolf.
His father hadn’t said anything that Remus didn’t already know. He has been lucky with his years at Hogwarts. He’s been able to study and be recognized for his achievements the same as everyone else. But that would come to an end as soon as he left Hogwarts. Being a werewolf meant that he would have a difficult time finding a job, no matter his abilities or grades. He knew that many werewolves ended up living in poverty, and prejudice would make it hard to stay in one place for long.
He had known all this. But being at Hogwarts, surrounded by people whom he liked and that liked and respected him he had chosen to ignore it. But now it was coming closer, and when his mates enthusiastically discussed future plans Remus felt like it was already upon him.
He had long made it a point to keep his emotions under control, like a personal mission to somehow make up for the uncontrollable beast that resided within him. He had tried to keep his feelings of dread at bay and hadn’t said anything.
But it was starting to get to him. So, earlier today, when they had asked him to join them at the pitch, he turned them down, saying he wanted to catch up on some reading. Really, Remus had just wished for some time alone.
The door opened and three very wet teenage boys entered the room. James and Peter seemed to have just been soaked through by the rain, but Sirius was covered by a weird, oily sheen.
“Moony! How was that drying spell again? I seem to have mixed it up...” James said as he was trying to edge away from Sirius who was dripping with something down upon the floor.
“Mixed up? I am covered with grease!”
“I don’t think it’s grease. Smells more like olive oil” Peter offered from the doorway while trying to control his laughter.
“You've turned me into Snivellus” Sirius said with a disgusted look on his face.
“You know what Padfoot, from this perspective you actually do look a bit like him” Remus said and then quickly jumped out of the way as an olive oil drenched shoe came flying at him.
Sirius made an attempt to throw his other shoe as well but reaching down he slipped. Trying to stay put he grabbed James by the arm and managed to pull them both down on the floor, both of them now lying in a puddle.
Remus pulled out his wand. With a little wave hot air streamed out of the tip off his wand, drying them off.
“Good man! I just can’t get a hold of that bloody twist” James said, with his hair now standing straight up and glasses crooked.
“Yeah, thanks Moony” Sirius hoisted himself up from the floor “I almost forgive you”.
Remus answered rising his eyebrows “You where the one saying you’d been turned into Snivellus, I was just agreeing with you”
“Oh, how very kind of you. Wanker”.
“I wasn’t the one covering you with olive oil in the first place”.
“It was an honest mistake," James commented from the mirror where he was trying to smoothen down his hair, "and besides, I told you I wasn't 100% sure if it was for drying or dressing but you insisted. So, it’s your own fault really”.
“Oh, so when you say dressing, I am supposed to realize you're talking about salad seasoning and not about getting some clothes on” Sirius walked up to James from behind and ruffled his hair.
“You git!”
Sirius smirked at James and then proceeded to sprint out of the way a James tried to avenge his hairdo by throwing his copy of Hogwarts a History at him.
“Watch it, Jamie. I have to preserve this beautiful face for tonight”
“Ha! People have to be really drunk to have that face be enough to cover up your ugly insides”
“You’re just jealous Prongs. I mean, who could resist this beauty” Sirius winked playfully at Remus. Remus swallowed.
It had been the beginning of fifth year when it dawned on him. They hadn't seen each other all summer and seeing him enter the train compartment Remus felt like a spark of electricity ran through him. Sirius had smiled and winked at Remus and then sprawled down next to James and started chatting away about how terrible his summer had been. Remus hadn't been able to relax the whole ride.
After a month of denial Remus had to cave and admit the truth. Now more than a year later he had accepted it. But the chances of Sirius liking him back where slim to none. As far as he knew, Sirius only went out with girls. So, Remus had dug a hole, poured his feelings into it and scooped back the dirt. It worked most of the time. But sometimes when Sirius looked at him it flared up like fireworks.
Suddenly James was waving his hands in front of Remus face. “Earth to Moony, you with us?”
“Yeah, sorry. What was that?”
“I was asking if you knew if Lily was planning on going?”
“Um no, I haven’t talked to her about it. But I guess so? I mean it’s Marlene’s birthday after all.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Why are you asking?”
“I have this new shirt I think she would like, I thought I might try it on tonight.”
Sirius let out an amused snort.
“Why do you think that will help? Does it have magical powers that make you less of a wanker?”
Remus was forced to jump out of the way to avoid the chaos as the two tumbled across the room, turning over chairs and pulling loose sheets.
“Why don’t you just give up an marry each other already.” Peter said, annoyed as he looked over his broom, one of many victims of James failed attempt to stay on his feet, for damages.
“Nah,” said Sirius “sorry Prongs but you are not my type.”
“You would be lucky to have me Padfoot,” James said from the floor, defeated, “but sadly my heart is already set.”
“I don’t think any of us has missed that James” Remus said as he stepped over James to make it back to where he had been sitting.
James looked up at him.
“You speak well of me to her, don’t you?”
“Yes, I already told you. But it’s not like we constantly talk about you when we study. I can’t drag your name up in every other conversation without sounding like a lunatic.”
“You’re a good friend Remus. A good friend”.
“When are you going to help me, and Peter get a date Moony? What is this with favoring James and his love life?” Sirius said, a bit muffled since he was currently pulling his shirt over his head before going into the shower. Remus did not watch.
“I didn’t think you needed help getting dates” Remus said, tone of voice more bitter than he would have liked.
Sirius gave him a strange look but then grinned.
“I’m really just asking for Pete’s sake, I just included myself not to single him out”
“Hey!”
Remus nodded, and smiled at Peter.
“Don’t you worry Pete, Remus Lupins dating service hasn’t had that great of results yet, but we are just about to start a new offer of more adventurous options that I think will fit you perfectly. You see, the giant squid has been looking for a mate, and we- “He was cut off by Peters pillow hitting his face.
“You’re wicked, all of you” Peter said. Then he sprinted past Sirius and beat him to the bathroom.
Sirius banged the door.
“Don’t you dare use up all the hot water Pettigrew!”
“Can’t hear you!” Peter shouted from the other side of the door.
“You kind of sounded like my mother just there Sirius” James commented.
“Well, I’m going to take that as a complement.”
Remus tuned his gaze back out through the window. He wasn’t in the mood for partying. He was tired. But he knew the others would think it weird if he stayed up in the room though, so he would go. And who knows, maybe Sirius would take a girl up to the dorm. He didn’t think he could handle that. And he liked Marlene. They didn’t talk much but she was funny, and it would be rude not go since they were in the same class.
“You alright?”
He turned to see Sirius looking at him.
“Yeah, I’m just a bit tired.”
“Is something up? You seem to have been tired a lot lately.”
Both Sirius and James were looking at him now. He knew he had been acting a bit strange, but he really didn’t want to talk about it.
“It’s just this dating service business. The squid is almost as demanding as you James.”
“Ha! Better you drop the squid and focus on helping me with Evans. I only have two years left.”
Yes, Remus thought, only two years left. He felt sick.
The party started as soon as people started filling in from dinner.
Remus had decided to get shitfaced, party and have fun.
He managed one of those things and was now wasted, but it hadn’t helped with his mood. At least the alcohol made everything else seem distant. He was standing by the window with a drink in hand. Sometime after the last third years had gone to bed someone had brought out the fire whiskey. Might have been James and Sirius.
He could see them from where he was standing. They were sitting by the fireplace. James in a heated discussion about quidditch with Peter. Sirius playing a round of exploding snap the drinking game with some fifth-year girls. He let out a barking laugh as a card exploded in his face. The lit fire casting a warm light over him. Sirius got something wicked in his eyes and stole the cards of the girl sitting beside him. He kept them out of the girl’s reach as she jumped and tried to get a hold of them.
Sirius relationship with his family was enough to make anyone a wreck. Years of maltreatment and being neglected by one’s parents could be a one-way ticket to a problem with connecting to others and low self-esteem. But not Sirius. Instead of low self-esteem he had almost too much of it, and even though Sirius suffered at times, compared to Remus he was pretty much carefree. Doing whatever, and whoever, whenever he wanted. Sirius with that black longish hair and mischievous eyes that could make Remus crazy.
He was drawn out of his train of thoughts when Lily walked up to him.
“Why does these party’s always end with a fourth-year vomiting outside the portrait hole?” She looked tired.
Remus smiled.
“Well, some only learn the hard way” he replied, trying to focus on his red head friend, he was apparently a bit more drunk than he had thought.
“I guess you’re right. I just wish some people would have bit more self-control you know?”
“Don’t know if it’s a bad time to tell you that I’m completely wasted.”
She turned to look at him, he swayed.
“You are!” She leaned against the wall beside him, took the drink he was holding from his hand and took a sip. “Anything in particular you’re celebrating?”
Remus let out a laugh.
“I guess you could say my faltering youth.”
When Lily gave him a funny look he continued.
"I'm just a bit uncomfortable, and hiding from James who wanted me to sing karaoke with him"
"Oh, sweet Merlin, thank you for saving my ears from that. He serenaded me enough last week to last for a lifetime"
Remus laughed.
The song that was playing reminded him of something. It was really nice. Lily had started humming to the beat.
She took a hold of his arm and dragged him out onto the floor where people were dancing. She took his hand and made him twirl. He laughed. He took a sip from the drink in Lily’s hand and danced.
He took a step back and turned around but as he turned, he stumbled into something. Just as he was about to lose his balance someone grabbed a hold of his arm, steadying him.
“Woah, steady there” apparently, he had bumped into Sirius. Sirius was standing awfully close. Instead of managing to answer Remus just stared at him.
“A bit drunk, are we?” Sirius got an amused look on his face. “Common”. Sirius kept his grip on one of Remus arms and lead him to the sit on a window ledge. The window was open, and the cool autumn air was entering. “You alright?”
“I’m fine”. Remus had recuperated his ability to speak. “I just, got a bit… dizzy”.
“Yeah? “Sirius sat down beside him. “With moves like that I’m not surprised”.
Remus felt embarrassed “yes, eh… sorry about that.”
“Sorry about what?” Sirius turned to look at him “it’s nice seeing you let go a bit”.
Remus felt a flash of irritation rush through him “What, am I usually not interesting enough for you?”
Sirius looked over at him.
“That’s not what I meant”
“Sure” He looked away.
“What’s up with you?”
“Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing” and with that Remus got up and walked up to their dorm.
When he woke in the morning James was sitting on his bed trying to get his quidditch shoes on.
“Good morning” He said when he noticed that Remus had woken up.
“Where is everyone?”
“The others are down for lunch. I’m off to quidditch practice. Match against Hufflepuff next weekend. We are trying out a new tactic” James looked up at him. “You could probably make it to lunch if you hurry”
“Yeah, I think I’ll save myself for dinner.”
“Figures” James grinned at him and went for the door. “I saw you dancing with Evans yesterday, watch it Moony” He pointed two fingers at his eyes and then at Remus.
Remus friendship with Lily was a common joke, James knowing perfectly well that Remus and Lily where only friends, but he still had to make some kind of statement. It was a joke, but also a way of James showing his very apparent jealousy of Remus on knowing have to communicate with the supposed love of his life.
“Watch all you want; I’ll have to make sure she’s okay with you following us into bed though. I’m not sure she’s into that.”
“You’re vicious, you know”.
“I know, she likes that.” He winced as an old copy of the Daily Prophet hit him in the face.
“Well, I’m off. Enjoy your hangover you wanker.” And with that James left.
Remus got up and went into the shower. The warm water made some of his headache disappear. His head was throbbing, but he would survive.
He felt his heart skip a beat as he thought of Sirius. He curled his face into his hands. Sirius wasn’t stupid, he would know something was up. And he would try to pry it out of Remus. It was terribly annoying. Making it impossible to just sulk it silence until it passed because Sirius would constantly be trying to make you talk about it. Saying things that would make Remus fall deeper into the pit that was being in love with him.
He adjusted the temperature of the water to become colder. He had to get a grip.
Remus froze when he got out of the bathroom. Sirius was sitting on his bed when Remus got out, apparently waiting for him.
For a moment the two boys just stared at each other. Then Remus walked over to his bed and started pulling on some clothes. When he had gotten his pants and shirt on, he felt like he should say something.
“I’m sorry about yesterday”
“What’s up with you? I mean obviously it’s something”
“I’m just going through some stuff right now. But I didn’t mean to take it out on you, I’m sorry about that.”
Sirius walked over and leaned against the wall beside Remus bed.
“I figured. I just… have I done something?”
“Why would you think that?”
“What you said yesterday. I guess… it just felt like you were angry with me or something.”
“No. I really don’t know what happened, I guess I was drunk and in a foul mood.”
It got quiet for a while. Remus started flickering with the hem of his t-shirt.
“Is it because of the career choices?”
Remus looked up at him, surprised. Sirius arched his eyebrows.
“What, you think I wouldn’t notice?”
Remus didn’t say anything. Sirius was etching his way into Remus dark place and it was terrifying. Sirius moved over to sit beside him on the bed.
“You know we’re here for you, right?”
Remus hesitated, then said “I know, I know you are. It’s just...” Remus paused “It’s like my dad told me this summer. I've been really lucky to go to school like everyone else. But soon we aren’t kids anymore.”
“You know we’d never leave you, right?”
Remus gave him a smile. “Yeah. It’s just…” he looked away “It feels like I’ll be holding you down”
There was a pause, then “You'll always be worth it, to me.”
Sirius sounded strange, so Remus turned to look at him. The black-haired boy was looking at him intently and Remus didn't look away. Slowly, Sirius leaned in and then Remus felt the warmth of Sirius lips against his own.
Remus froze, and Sirius pulled away.
Remus just stared at him. Had Sirius really just kissed him?
Sirius stood up. “I’m just going to go, sorry- “
Remus stood and grabbed a hold of Sirius robe to stop him from leaving. Remus stared at Sirius who met his gaze. He felt like his body was burning. Was this really happening?
"Remus... I-"
Remus slowly pulled Sirius back against him. Pushing his lips against Sirius mouth. Sirius pulled back to look at Remus.
"This... this is okay?"
Remus didn't answer. Instead he pulled Sirius down and kissed him again. Sirius soon responded and the kiss deepened.
It was like all of Remus fears and anger transformed into a need to feel Sirius close, to feel his body against his own. Remus pushed himself as close to Sirius as he could. Sirius backed him into the wall, knocking off some books lying on the edge of the bedside table and Remus kissed him harder.
Sirius let out a low moan as Remus bit his lip and Remus thought that he might go crazy.
After a while they stopped, panting.
Sirius drew back to look at him.
"For how long?" Sirius asked "Have you liked me?"
"Since fifth year"
"Yeah?"
Remus nodded.
Sirius gave him a cheeky grin "I thought I knew something was up"
Remus arched a brow "Did you?"
"Yeah, you stopped looking me in the eye for a while there"
Remus felt his face heat up. "Did you know that you liked me then?"
There was a pause, then Sirius said "I think a part of me has always had a thing for you"
Remus didn’t know what to say. It was all completely surreal. When Remus didn’t say anything, Sirius stepped in close again and took hold of Remus robe with both of his hands.
“I just want you to know that it sucks that you are going to have to deal with people thinking you deserve to have a shitty life just because of prejudice.” Sirius gaze was intense and he was almost shaking him. “It’s not true, you know. You don’t deserve a shitty life and I will do everything I can to prevent you from having one”
Remus found it hard to return Sirius gaze. He put a hand up to caress Sirius cheek.
"You haven't eaten anything yet, have you?" Sirius said, watching him.
"No, I was going to save myself for dinner"
Sirius grinned. “Want to have a date in the kitchens?”
Remus let out a laugh “Yeah, sounds good”.