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It had started as pretty minor chest pain.
At first, Jeongguk didn’t know exactly whether he was dying or whether it was the start of an anxiety attack. After all, his anxiety attacks didn’t usually present themselves in this way. Normally, it was more of a fast onset that left him a quivering mess within a few minutes.
But this one was different, it was just a knawing ache of wrong in his chest, a sensitivity to everything around him that Jeongguk couldn’t quite place.
Even though Yoongi was pretty much staying with the Jeon family permanently now, his older boyfriend still didn’t hang around all of the time, and this was one of those days where he just… wasn’t here.
It wasn’t a huge thing, he’d travelled back to Seoul for the day with Byeol in order to go and see Seokjin and Namjoon, to hang out with his friends for a little bit. Jeongguk had been all for it, even if he hadn’t wanted to join. Yoongi deserved to be able to go and see his friends, especially since all of their lives were beginning to mold and change now.
But Jeongguk was regretting that just a little now. The soft fabric of his t-shirt felt oddly tingly against his skin, he could hear his brother watching some kind of sports show somewhere downstairs, his usually muted hearing now able to pick up on everything going on in the house. The hum of the boiler at the other side, his brother’s laughs at the show, his own breaths were echoing in his ears.
He quickly realised that he wasn’t dying, he wasn’t having a heart attack. It was an anxiety attack, one coming with a hell of a lot of sensory sensitivity that Jeongguk really wished it wouldn’t.
He’d only put himself at a level 3, maybe a 4 at a push. After all, it was incredibly mild. Just… irritating, the fact his heart wouldn’t settle, the way everything seemed so loud.
Moving a little on his bed, Jeongguk placed his laptop down in front of him as he peeled the usually comforting t-shirt away from himself, throwing it towards the corner of the room instead. He’d planned on doing a little research, of trying to get ahead of his upcoming Uni year while he still could, but now with his state of mind the way it was he knew that wasn’t an option. It would just get him more anxious, more overwhelmed, and that wasn’t how he wanted to spend his day. After all, hopefully it would pass before too long.
Opening a folder on his computer, Jeongguk opened a file and began to click through the pictures stored within there, pictures he’d taken over the previous year, of his new friends, of the garden that had become his and Yoongi’s special place, of the beach he’d visited before the world had crumbled before them. The happier times settled his heart a little, allowed him to take a deeper breath.
“Hey, Jeongguk,” Jeongguk jumped a little at his brother’s voice coming from the doorway, turning to look at the older with a small smile. The last thing he wanted was to talk right now, his sound sensitivity was returning at full force, but he couldn’t just take his aids out mid-conversation, it was rude. His brother would probably understand, but he still didn’t want to be rude to the older.
“Hey, hyung. What’s up?”
“I just saw this meme on facebook and I found it hilarious, here.” The older walked over and showed his phone to the younger, Jeongguk scanning his eyes over the screen to read the meme in front of him. It was screenshot pulled from a british show, with the subtitles edited to say something about MLM schemes instead of what the original words actually said. Jeongguk let himself chuckle at it, but he tried to not let it show on his face that his brother had disturbed his peace for something so trivial.
“What’re you doing in here?”
“Just looking through old pictures, hyung.” His tone wasn’t…rude. But he wasn’t really hiding the fact he didn’t really want to talk either as he turned his attention back to his laptop, a picture on the screen of Yoongi’s gummy, smiling face with a butterfly flying close to his perfect skin. Jeongguk’s heart ached. He missed his boyfriend, but it had only been a few hours.
“That sounds fun, any particular reason?”
Jeongguk bit back a sigh, why wasn’t Junghyun getting the hint? “Not really, just thought I’d kill time.”
Junghyun stared at him for a second, even if Jeongguk couldn’t see it, he could feel the older’s eyes on him, studying him, processing him. “Right, got it. Well, let me know if you need anything.”
When Junghyun turned and left his room again, Jeongguk reached over and pushed the door closed behind him. His door never fully closed properly, but at least being closed over his point would hopefully get across.
Now his brother was gone, Jeongguk reached up and unhooked the aids from his ears, hoping disrupting one of his senses would at least help the ongoing, mild anxiety attack settle just a little. If he couldn’t hear anymore, maybe his other sensitivities would die down too.
He was proven to be wrong though. Even though he could no longer hear Junghyun’s show, he could no longer hear his breath too loud, could no longer hear the boiler humming towards the other end of the house… Jeongguk instead found he felt like he could hear the blood rushing through his own veins. His head was beating too strongly in his temple, every contraction of the organ in his chest pushing his blood around that roared in his ears.
And he hated it, so much. He’d tried to turn his sense of hearing off, but apparently even that hadn’t been enough. He’d never picked up on how loud his heart was before, and it was beginning a familiar tremble of his hands to start up. Could the world just… turn off for 10 minutes. He just wanted 10 minutes to let the anxiety settle and to stop the urge to rip his own skin off as the feel of his bedsheets was even worse than his t-shirt had been.
Taking as deep of a breath as he could, Jeongguk tried to settle himself, blinking the tears away from his eyes as he turned to the screen again. He saw a notifications in the group chat he was in with his old dorm mates, Taehyung and Jimin talking quite happily between them, and he quickly closed the app out. He didn’t hate his friends, but right now he didn’t really want to talk to anyone but Yoongi.
But Yoongi was out with his own friends, taking a break and having some fun with Namjoon and Jin, and he couldn’t pull him away from that just because he was feeling a little uncomfortable.
Okay, a lot uncomfortable. But it wasn’t a full blown panic attack, it was barely even a moderate anxiety attack. He was just… hyper sensitive, and his heart was going too fast, and it was actually a possibility he was dying and he was just presenting it as a long-going, slow anxiety attack and-
Junghyun’s hand was in front of Jeongguk’s face, snapping him out from the spiral in a split second, his older brother grinning at him.
‘Daydreaming again?’ He watched his brother’s mouth form the words. ‘Put your aids in so I can talk to you properly, Gguk, if you’re not going to pay attention to me properly I can’t sign to you.’
With a small sigh, Jeongguk did as he was told, wincing a little as the life that sound brought exploded into his senses again. Everything was immediately worse, far too much, but he kept his gaze steady as he looked at his brother.
He didn’t need his brother to worry about him, especially over such a small anxiety attack. What he needed was his brother to leave him alone.
“There you are. Byeol was messaging me some funny shit, apparently Namjoon fell over when they were leaving the coffee shop and dropped his take away latte all over the floor. It went everywhere and he went beet red, Byeol can’t stop laughing.”
Jeongguk stared at Junghyun for a second, trying to figure out exactly why this was relevant when he thought it was pretty obvious with his aidless ears and lack of continuing a conversation that he wasn’t exactly feeling the most talkative right now. Yoongi would probably give him all the funny highlights when he got home later that night anyway, he didn’t need it from Junghyun right this second.
“That’s funny, hyung.” Jeongguk eventually responded, turning back to his laptop and hoping his brother would get the message.
He didn’t.
“Maybe we should go with them next time, hm? It would be nice to see Namjoon and Seokjin again.”
“Yeah, hyung.”
He heard Junghyun sigh, before he turned and left, thankfully appearing to finally get the message that Jeongguk did not want to talk right now. Leaning over, Jeongguk once again closed his door over, a silent sign of ‘leave me alone’ that he hoped the older would actually follow. He knew Junghyun wasn’t enjoying Yoongi’s absence either, especially with Byeol having gone too and their parents both being away on a business trip. It was only the two of them in the house, but surely Junghyun could entertain himself while Jeongguk tried to focus on settling the anxiety burning away at his chest.
Deciding that the bedsheets against his bare skin was far more irritating and itchy than he wanted it to be, Jeongguk got up and took his aids out again, making sure his laptop was safely situated where it wasn’t going to fall off the bed before going over to his closet.
Normally, his skin and sense of touch wasn’t an issue with anxiety. He could feel crowded and smothered, sure, but it didn’t tend to be an issue relating to the actual texture of the cloth against him. It was all new, and he didn’t know exactly how to deal with it other than just… waiting it out.
Loosening his jogging bottoms, Jeongguk slipped them off before reaching into the closet and pulling out a hoodie that very much didn’t belong to him. It was Yoongi’s, but incredibly oversized even on himself who was now getting taller than the older. But regardless, it smelled good. It smelled like his boyfriend, like his comfort, and that was one sense that wasn’t overwhelmed right now. He needed to be surrounded by his boyfriend, he needed a hug from him, but right now, this was all he had so it would have to do.
Slipping the hoodie on, Jeongguk sighed at the feeling of the soft cloth falling far below his fingers, trailing into sweater paws, the bottom long enough to hide his boxers from view as he climbed back onto the bed and curled into a ball, his laptop forgotten.
Pulling the cloth to cover his nose, Jeongguk took deep, measured breaths in an attempt to just focus on the hoodie. Everything else could fall away but the scent of Yoongi filling his nose and the feel of the soft, but un-invasive fabric against his skin.
Tears were gathering in his eyes before he could try to prevent them, his breath beginning to come out stuttered as he attempted to gather himself. But it was no use, as soon as the tears began they refused to stop as they trailed down his cheeks, sweater pawed hands shakily wiping them away as soon as they’d fallen.
It wasn’t fair, he hated this. He felt like this long term anxiety attack had been going on for hours. He’d rather have a 10 minute, level 9 panic attack than go through with this drawn out uncomfortable torture.
Once again, Jeongguk was away of his door being pushed open, his brother standing in the doorway on his phone as he appeared to be laughing at whatever was on the screen.
If the older was talking to him, Jeongguk had no idea what his lips were saying through the blur of his tears.
“Hyung, will you please go away! I don’t want to talk right now, I don’t want to see you. I want to be alone. I thought the closed door and my unwillingness to continue a conversation was enough of a hint of the fact I don’t want to talk right now. Why can’t you get that?! You’re normally pretty damn good at reading me, and right now I need you to leave me alone! Please, just go away!”
Once his outburst was over, breath catching in his throat as tears continued to fall, he watched as Junghyun stared at him for a second. He knew the older wasn’t saying anything, he simply stared. And stared. And stared. And then he’d reached forward, grabbing his door handle and closing it behind him as he walked away.
Guilt swelled in Jeongguk’s chest. He hadn’t wanted to yell at his big brother, he knew he meant well. But the constant disturbances when he already felt so irritable and stressed were grating him to his core. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he didn’t want to see anyone, and Junghyun just wasn’t taking that hint.
With a shaking hand, Jeongguk got hold of his phone and tried to unlock it, huffing in teary frustration as his Face ID refused to unlock with his face so puffy, red and screwed up. After a few failed attempts though, the passcode unlock came up and allowed him to access his phone, quickly opening his text chat with his boyfriend.
From: Jeongguk
To: Yoon-Hyung
Message: Please come home soon I need you I’m sorry I don’t want to pull you away from our friends but everything is too loud my heart is too loud and I can hear my blood in my veins even without my aids in and people touching my skin hurts and everything is just too much I need you im sorry
Taking a few deep breaths after he pushed sent, Jeongguk watched as the message came up as ‘read’ and the bubbles of Yoongi typing a reply showed, but Jeongguk quickly beat him to it.
From: Jeongguk
To: Yoon-Hyung
Message: I’m sorry, I’m being stupid, don’t leave your friends I’ll be okay. I’m sorry forget I said anything its okay
He watched as the bubble disappeared. Then reappeared. Then disappeared again. Then reappeared again, before a message finally popped onto his screen.
From: Yoon-Hyung
To: Jeongguk
Message: Get Hyun to make you some tea, Byeol and I are getting into the car now. I’ll be home as soon as I can.
Jeongguk’s heart fell to the bit of his stomach as he read the words. He’d pulled Yoongi away from his day out with friends just because he couldn’t manage his own anxiety by himself.
He was a terrible boyfriend.
From: Jeongguk
To: Yoon-Hyung
Message: No, no its okay Yoon-hyung I’m sorry. You don’t have to come back I’ll be okay. Please keep hanging out with Namjoon and Seokjinnie.
From: Yoon-Hyung
To: Jeongguk
Message: Too late, Byeol’s already driving.
A fresh wave of tears flowed, Jeongguk placing his phone down as his shaking hands were now unable to hold it as well as he needed to, to formulate a reply. He tried to be quiet, tried to cry alone without making too much noise to alert his brother, but it appeared that had also been taken out of his control.
The door was pushed open for the fourth time, but this time Junghyun looked a little guilty as he stood in the doorway holding a mug of steaming tea. He talked slowly as he spoke to the younger, trying to make sure Jeongguk could read his lips even through his tear blurred eyes.
‘Yoongi messaged me, Gguk. Here, take this, okay? I’m sorry I kept bugging you, I didn’t realise you were struggling so badly. You should have told me.’
Jeongguk just shook his head as shaking hands accepted the mug, blowing carefully on the green transparent liquid before he took a sip. The green tea burned uncomfortably as he drank it, the sensation of the liquid not the most comfortable thing he’d experienced that day, but it was manageable enough for the effect he knew it was going to have on his body in time.
Junghyun left him alone not too long afterwards, with the warning to call him if it got worse but respecting his need to be alone.
Once the tea was gone, Jeongguk couldn’t bring himself to do much more than curl into a ball on his bed, ignoring the heightened tickling sensation of the pillowcase against his cheek. Tears still fell, and his hands still shook, but he no longer had the mental nor the physical energy to try and fight against it any longer. He couldn’t fall asleep either, his senses far too heightened for that to even be a possibility. But he could just lie there and ride the wave until it passed, so that’s what he did.
His heart still raced, and tears still fell, but he knew he’d been in the prone position for far too long as he became aware of his bedroom door being pushed open once more and a weight altering the mattress below him. A light tap to his shoulder, barely there, drew his attention from the interesting spot on the wall he’d been staring at and towards whoever had accompanied him.
Yoongi sat next to him, brow furrowed in worry as he spoke slowly to the younger.
‘Can I touch you?’
Jeongguk almost burst into violent sobs there and then.
Yoongi was back. Yoongi was home and with him again. And it really did prove the point of how much time he’d lost.
Unable to find his words, Jeongguk just gave a small nod, eventually crumbling into the full sobs that had been threatening his lungs for hours as Yoongi leaned down and wrapped his arms around the younger, holding him tightly as he cried.
Yoongi’s scent was stronger now, his boyfriend was here and not just a remnant ghost on the hoodie Jeongguk wore.
Touch hurt, fabric against his skin burned, but Yoongi’s touch was different. It soothed and calmed his senses, his brain no longer caring about anything else other than Yoongi holding him.
Before too long, the blonde had shuffled around a little before lying on his side next to Jeongguk, pulling the youngest tightly into his chest and rubbing his back gently in an attempt to soothe. But it wasn’t forced. Yoongi wasn’t trying to force him to calm down, he wasn’t rushing him into it. He was simply there, a strong, reassuring presence as he rode out the anxiety spike.
Yoongi’s presence allowed Jeongguk to shut his other senses off.
Yoongi’s presence allowed sleep to finally overtake him, small, soft hands on his back and his nose filled with the comfort Yoongi brought.