Chapter Text
Catra’s eyes bolted open and, as they adjusted to the dark, her mind eased out of the nightmare she just had.
The nightmares were getting less frequent and more abstract the more time had passed since Horde Prime was defeated. Prime himself didn’t feature as often, and as she got used to Adora lying next to her every night, Catra dreamed less about losing her.
That still meant that Catra’s subconscious found many different ways to weave Adora into her dreams. Adora leaving. Adora never even returning. Adora using the Failsafe without She-Ra. Adora disappearing right in front of her eyes. Adora.
Catra willed herself to look to her side. Adora was lying next to her, still asleep and blissfully unaware. The sound of her breathing eased Catra out of the nightmare, grounding her in reality. Grounding her in the present.
It’s a trick she picked up from Perfuma. Whenever she had difficulty distinguishing between what was real and what only existed in her nightmares, she looked over to Adora. Sometimes, Catra jerked awake, trashing violently and waking her girlfriend. In those moments, Adora’s gentle touch and reassuring words calmed her. When Adora wasn’t awake, Catra focused on her breathing, the slight rising and sinking of her chest, the smallest of exhales. She focused on how peaceful Adora looked.
The Adora of her memories, from before the whole She-Ra business and when they used to fall asleep next to each other in the Fright Zone, that Adora was anything but peaceful, even when asleep. Catra remembered well how Adora started fighting imaginary enemies in her dreams, not even stopping while asleep.
It hadn’t always been like that.
Catra sat up and shook her head, as if the movement could shake the images and banish them. This time around, the nightmares were re-imaginations of her memories. Except, they went beyond Prime’s ship and Shadow Weaver and the Heart.
The Fright Zone. Shadow Weaver screaming at her. Adora’s torn shirt. Adora’s dried blood on her face. Adora’s trembling form. His awful grin.
Catra winced at the images forcing their way back into her mind. It’s been so long since she thought of this particular awful moment in a series of other awful moments that, together, made for life at the Fright Zone. Usually, the memories she had of Adora were the only ones that mattered. The only ones she wanted to remember. But this one, in particular, she wasn’t fond of seeing in her dreams again.
She felt shuffling next to her. Of course Adora would somehow sense that Catra had awoken. Of all the superpowers in the world, the person who turned into an eight-foot-tall princess just had to have this one.
“Catra...” Adora stirred, murmuring her name.
Catra stroked Adora’s hair, gently massaging her head. “Go back to sleep, Adora.”
Adora couldn’t stop the soft moan that escaped her lips at the combination of Catra’s hand and sleep threatening to overtake her again. Catra could tell that she tried to keep herself awake but she knew Adora had been sleeping better than ever since they returned to Bright Moon. She didn’t want to disturb that, not again.
Adora gave in and drifted back to sleep. Catra continued playing with her hair, she didn’t know for how long. She knew she would have to go back to sleep eventually so she, too, let the dreams come for her.
She knew better than to not expect the nightmare to return.
Everything felt washed out in her dreams, a distant memory she’d spent so long ignoring. They were cadets in the Horde and she was arguing with Adora.
“Come on, what do you have against him? He’s a respected officer and he said he sees a lot of potential in me.”
“I told you, I don’t care! Go attend your stupid private session.”
“Catra, please, don’t be like this.”
“I said go!”
The next time Catra saw Adora, she was clutching what remained of her shirt, her exposed skin bruised. All Catra could think about was how he did that and how Adora was hurt and she needed to be with her, let her get to Adora-
But Shadow Weaver said no. She yelled at Catra, yelled at everyone. Get out. Go! She would handle it, handle everything. When Catra tried sneaking into the infirmary to check on Adora, Shadow Weaver caught her and punished her for the insolence.
“If I ever catch you here again, or if I ever find out you spoke a word about this whole incident, Adora won’t be reason enough to keep you around anymore!”
Catra was paralyzed and Shadow Weaver’s words were suffocating her. The sorceress only let her go when she swore she wouldn’t ever bring it up, wouldn’t ever bother Adora about it. Shadow Weaver tossed her aside and shut the door with a furious force.
Adora returned to the barracks two weeks later and Catra saw the faint remnants of a bruise under her eye. In her dream, she tried to speak but no sound came out. She was drowning on her own words and Shadow Weaver was looming over her, telling her to keep quiet.
Catra jolted awake once again, panting. Adora was already up, arms around Catra’s waist, ready to ease her out of the nightmare.
In her dreams, Catra couldn’t speak. In her memories, she never even tried to.
They had a meeting later that day.
This time around it wasn’t the whole princess alliance, just Glimmer, Bow, Micah, and the two of them. And Melog, of course. They had much to discuss about their upcoming plans to bring magic back to the universe. The ambitious plan had Adora incredibly excited for the future. A universe full of magic, full of hope again. But she also enjoyed these relatively quiet weeks they got to spend at Bright Moon.
She had been spending the majority of that time with Catra.
Catra had made much progress with Perfuma, who’s been helping with the nightmares ever since Prime was defeated. Though she had a long road ahead of her, Adora knew better than anyone how far Catra had already come and it made her feel warm to think about it.
Even still, Adora was worried. Getting to sleep next to Catra every night was a blessing she desperately needed, but it also made her realize juts how much her girlfriend had been through. Adora first started noticing Catra’s night terrors when she would sleep at the foot of her bed in the Fright Zone, but it was different back then. They would help each other out when one was violently awoken by a nightmare but it wasn’t like they could do much in the Horde. To show any weakness was to give permission, no, to ask for punishment. They did what they could for each other, but Adora often felt like it wasn’t enough.
Now that they were together again in Bright Moon, they had a chance to do better. And they were doing better, but, as Adora found out the hard way, progress wasn’t always linear. It certainly wasn’t easy to face their past, but they were working on it. That’s all that mattered.
On this particular day, Catra refused to talk about her nightmare. Adora knew she woke up several times during the night but she also knew she couldn’t force Catra to do anything. She couldn’t just force her to discuss it. She knew how hard it could be to talk about these things so she didn’t want to force it.
As they got ready in the morning, Adora could tell that Catra was still thinking about her dream. They went to the meeting and discussed their plans, but Catra was barely present, not even pretending to pay attention.
Despite the fact that they grew up together, Adora wasn’t always the best at reading Catra’s emotions. She knew when she was angry and when she was happy, but she was still familiarizing herself with the nuances of it all.
Lucky for Adora, Catra had a tell now. Melog’s presence made it easier for her to put a finger on whatever Catra was feeling, and based on how they were acting today, Catra sure was thinking about Adora, even if she wasn’t talking to her much.
For the whole first half of their meeting, Melog was cuddled up in Adora’s lap, refusing to move. It was almost as if Melog was... guarding her, in a way. Adora tried throwing questioning looks at Catra but she wasn’t paying any attention, gazing off and in her own world instead.
“Okay, Catra, talk to me,” Adora pleaded after they agreed to take a break and she pulled Catra aside. “I know I said I would always be patient with you talking about the nightmares but you’re really out of it today.”
Catra finally looked at her. She seemed... worried? Adora thought it strange.
“Do you not want to come on this trip anymore?” Adora asked, her worry seeping through her words.
“What?” that seemed to snap Catra out of it. “No! No, no, I do. I’m still game, obviously.”
Adora couldn’t help but sigh in relief.
“Okay, then what is it? Is it about last night? The dream you had?”
Catra lowered her gaze and for a moment it seemed like she shut off again. She took a deep breath.
“Yes, yes it is. Can we... talk about it?”
“Yeah sure,” Adora had been waiting all day for her to say that. “Do you want go back to the room?”
“I think that’d be for the best, yeah.”
Adora nodded and excused themselves. She reassured Glimmer that they’d be back soon.
Once they got back to the room, they sat down on the bed and Catra took Adora’s hand in hers.
“Catra, are you okay? Whatever you dreamed about it kind of seems like it did a number on you.”
Catra sighed.
“It’s not that. It’s just, my dream was more like a memory, again. From when we were kids, in the Fright Zone?”
“Oh, okay. I’m listening.”
It was never easy for Catra to talk about these kinds of things and Adora understood that, but she seemed to have a particularly difficult time right now. She squeezed Catra’s hands in reassurance, smiling at her.
“It was about Lazlo.”
Adora could tell that it took Catra a lot to say that and the anticipation for her answer hang between them, freezing time. Only, this didn’t help Adora to see what it was all about.
“Okay,” she finally said, hoping Catra would go on to explain.
“And, yeah,” Catra continued. She was searching for something in Adora’s eyes, but what, Adora couldn’t tell. “I don’t even know why. Don’t ask why my subconscious suddenly remembered it now.”
Adora hummed along.
“We never really talked about it, and, I guess, we don’t have to,” Catra was fiddling with her fingers now. She seemed nervous, tentative, and Adora felt the urge to hug her. Hold her. But she didn’t grab hold of Catra’s hands, not again, deciding to give her space instead. “It’s just all part of growing up in the Horde, huh?”
“Yeah, it is,” Adora didn’t know what exactly Catra was referring to, but the nervous energy Catra was talking with, that she was familiar with. It was only after she left the Horde that she realized how often the Fright Zone put her at unease. When your whole life is centered around that unease, it’s hard to even recognize it.
Catra averted her gaze for a while and when she looked back up at Adora, she noticed the hint of confusion she'd been trying to hide. She raised her eyebrows.
“So, that’s it? End of discussion?” she sounded frustrated and Adora was quick to try and put out the fire.
“No! I mean, if you want to talk more I’m always here for you, but I’m not too sure what you want me to say.”
“I don’t have much else to say, either. I guess I just thought that after all these years we could talk through it, now that Shadow Weaver’s gone.”
Shadow Weaver. It always came back to Shadow Weaver.
“Right,” Adora said, breaking the silence of expectation once again. With every new thing Catra said she was getting more unsure about what she was referring to.
“Right,” Catra repeated, eyeing Adora. “So, do you want to talk about it? About him?”
“Sorry, who was this again?” Adora just had to ask.
Catra looked at her, incredulous, almost offended.
“I told you, Lazlo! You had every commanding officer’s details memorized so somehow I doubt you forgot this one.” she scoffed, bitter. Offended it was then.
“Commanding officer?” Adora creased her eyebrows, trying and failing to come up with anyone named Lazlo in the Horde. “We didn’t have a commanding officer like that. Maybe this was after I left the Fright Zone?”
“What? I... what?” Catra shook her head. “No! Lazlo, you know, bulky guy, grey scales, red eyes, creepy grin? Commander of our squad for a while?”
Adora's concern was growing. Catra was clearly convinced that this was someone they both knew but Adora couldn’t think of anyone who matched that description, or that name. Sure, she didn’t exactly love to think about her Horde days but she did remember them, and she certainly remembered every commanding officer she ever had. Catra must have mixed things up.
“Catra,” she said softly, not wanting to sound hostile “There wasn’t anyone like that in the Horde. Maybe there was later on, but not when we were kids.”
“No! I know we never talked about this but... Ugh, Adora, he attacked you! You can’t have forgotten!”
Catra stood up and started pacing around in the room. Adora tried to calm her but she shrugged off her touches.
“Catra, I don’t know what you’re talking about! Are you sure it was a memory and not just a dream? It must have felt so real but it was just a dream, it’s okay, he can’t hurt you.”
“Hurt me? Unbelievable,” Catra growled in frustration. “Don’t you see? Or are you really that desperate to continue ignoring this?”
“I don’t know what this is! Catra, no one attacked me,” It hurt Adora to see Catra like this. She was so convinced that her dream was real. But like Catra also admitted, Adora remembered everyone from the Horde and Lazlo never existed. “Look, maybe you should check in with Perfuma. Or Scorpia, you know, she’s been trying to help out with all the meditations.”
“I don’t need them, I need you to listen to me!” Catra snapped at her. But then, her eyes widened in realization. Catra stopped in her tracks, as if she’d forgotten about Adora for a moment.
“Scorpia,” Catra whispered. “Yes, I’ll do that. Tell Sparkles to continue the meeting without me.”
“Catra!”
Before Adora could stop her, Catra leapt out of the window. And just like that, she was gone.