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“Bellamy’s dead.”
The words replayed in Clarke's head over and over and over, her thoughts not shifting, her mind and body were both frozen as if she was a broken record.
Bellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdead
That couldn’t be true...Bellamy couldn’t be dead..he wasn’t dead. Clarke felt hot tears run down her face and drip off her chin; she felt her entire body start to shake, and her breath faltering. She thinks she can hear her friends shouting her name...but their voices sounded so distant, like shadows or ghost whispering into her ears.
Bellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdead
Over and over again, and suddenly it was much too hard to carry her weight, although Clarke wasn’t sure why...she figured she’d be lighter, now that her heart was gone.
Clarke fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around her chest protectively, for she knew she still hadn’t entirely processed what she heard, and it was only a matter of time before something inside her snaps, and everything crumbles.
“Clarke,” someone shouts, but everything was far too blurry and loud and painful, causing Clarke not to be able to pint point, which was speaking.
Suddenly she felt someone’s hands grab her shoulders, continuously shouting her name. Clarke assumes someone was in front of her, but the tears were clouded her vision, making it impossible to see anything.
“Hey..hey Clarke...Clarke, stay with me, okay?” A voice pleads, and Clarke suddenly realizes its Raven.
She thinks about her friend who turned on her, who grew bitter to even the thought of Clarke, but Clarke didn’t blame her; she deserved everything Raven had spat at her. She loved Raven, and she had hurt her...just like she always did.
She thought of her and Raven's conversation on Nakara a few days ago, although it feels like a lifetime ago. She remembers Raven sobbing into her shoulder, unable to fathom how Clarke was okay, how she was still whole, how she hadn’t managed to break under the pressures of the universe.
A laugh slips from Clarke’s throat, and she continues to laugh to herself as the tears run down her face, and her body continues to shake.
“Look at that,” she muses to herself.
“Looks like Clarke Griffin can break after all.”
And then Clarke stops laughing, her entire body suddenly racking with sobs. Everything was too much, too cold, too empty, everything hurt. Clarke covered her face with her hands, feeling as if her entire life was slipping through them.
Bellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdeadBellamy’sdead
Clarke is pretty sure Raven pulls Clarke into a hug, but she’s not sure. All she knows is her best friend, her partner, the love of her life was dead.
“He’s dead,” Clarke sobs through gasps, it was the first thing she had said since her she heard the news. “He’s dead. He’s dead,” she cries. She feels Raven's hand stroking her hair and heard her whispering sweet words into Clarke’s ear. But it wasn’t working, Clarke’s entire body, her soul, was in so much pain and she had no fucking idea what to do about it.
“I didn’t protect him,” she mumbles through the cries. “I failed him”
And then the crushing realization that Bellamy died and she hadn’t done anything to stop it causes her to cry even more. Bellamy died on this planet, they killed him, they killed him and Clarke hadn’t been there to stop it.
“I’m so sorry!” She cries, choking on her sobs. Clarke never broke down in front of people like this, but what was the point in keeping the walls up? What was the point in pretending she was okay? After everything that’s happened, after everything she’s done and all the people she’s lost, nothing hurt more than this did.
Bellamy had kept her alive, the possibility that he was alive and happy on the ring gave Clarke hope when she had none. Bellamy was always there for her, even in the beginning, when they couldn’t stand each other; even then, he helped and protected Clarke. He made sure Clarke never went through anything alone; he never called her Wanheda; he didn’t see her sins when he looked at her; he could always see right through her, he was special like that, the way he always knew exactly how she felt. He was her heart; she was better when she was with him, whole. He fucking brought her back to life, and what did she do?
All she ever did was leave him.
She never told him how she felt.
He died, probably hating her for being the selfish, cold-hearted murderer she was.
That only makes her cry harder.
“Bellamy,” she sobs. “Bellamy, I’m sorry!”
“I’m sorry,” she cries. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
She pulls away from Raven; the room was spinning, her heartbeat pounding in her ears, although she wasn’t sure how that could be,
for her heart was gone.
She thinks of Bellamy’s smile, the way the gold flecks in his dark eyes lit up when he did. She thinks of the freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose, and how they always reminded Clarke of the stars, she had looked up at every night before falling asleep with Madi. She thinks of his dark curls and dark beard, and how surprised she was to see how different yet how similar he looked after all those years apart. She thinks of the way her heart ached when she saw him cry when he allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of her, and she thinks of the way her heart lit up when he laughed or made some sort of light-hearted joke to try and make her feel better when she was afraid.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers again, her voice breaking.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t protect you.”
“I’m sorry I never told you how I felt.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
She knows her friends are upset too, crushed from the knowledge a man they all love so much was now gone. Octavia and Echo must be heartbroken as well, but Clarke couldn’t possibly believe they felt the way she did right now. Bellamy was her everything, and she failed to protect him.
“I love you, Bellamy,” she admits through sobs.
“I love you, and I’m so so sorry.”
And Clarke feels like she’s dying, she feels as if everything’s shutting down, and it’s only a matter of time before everything goes dark and stays that way forever, for how long can a human body survive after it loses its heart?