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All day I could not stop thinking about what I overheard last night. I mean, I only heard Remus say something about coming out before I spoke up. It’s not like I was trying to eavesdrop, in my defense I thought they heard me walk into the bedroom. How was I supposed to know they were having a deep conversation?
But it still doesn’t make any sense! Why would Remus be talking about coming out, he already came out as bisexual to all of us, and the entire school knows Sirius is gay. It’s obvious given how much he openly flirts with Remus all the time, as if they’re not already dating.
No matter how much I thought about it, I could not understand and curiosity got the best of me. After dinner I found Sirius conveniently alone in our dormitory, which of course I needed to take advantage of, “Pads, I want to start off by saying I wasn’t trying to listen in,” I began, entering the bedroom.
He furrowed his brows at me, “what the fuck?”
I came over and sat on my bed, across from where he sat on his own, “I just want to know what Remus was talking about when he said something about coming out last night.” Should I be being more cautious? I mean, it couldn’t be that big of a secret, right?
Though his eyes widened, he still acted flippant because of course he did, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why were you even in here, you wanted to hear us snogging?” He smirked at the end, trying to distract from the matter at hand. He’s always one for humor.
“Um, I live here too,” I answered, snark emphasized as clearly as I could. “You don’t have to tell me if it’s really super personal, but it just doesn’t make sense. You’re gay and he’s bisexual, everyone knows that. So why would anyone need to come out?” Is it bad that I just want to understand my best friends?
For once, I couldn’t understand the swirl of emotions obviously going through Sirius, “well screw you, I was going to have fireworks and everything,” I could not feel what tone he was meaning to have when he said that. With my sputtered ‘what’, he continued, “how do you expect me to come out if you can’t wait for me to prepare it to be in a fun way?” He accused, as if I’m the one in the wrong. I’m not though, right?
I shook my head, am I just being stupid, what is he talking about? “I already know your sexuality, why would you need to come out?”
He groaned as if I said something completely insane, like Snivellus is a good guy or something else ridiculous. “Well if I actually was homo sexual I wouldn’t have to come out, now would I?” He rolled his eyes, “Moony was saying I should tell you I’m asexual, honesty and all that jazz,” he said it so simply, as if he hasn’t been implying and pretending he’s been having sex with Remus like all the fucking time.
Though he said it so lightly, like it was a joke, I wasn’t joking, not even close. “What?” My voice was quieter than I meant, but I wasn’t going to fix it. He’s been pretending and practically lying, I thought we were closer than that. Of course it’s one thing to say you’re fine when you’re not or fib about something trivial, but lying about who you are… I thought he trusted me.
He shrugged, “it's called Homoromantic, Prongs, why do you look so-” but I cut him off.
“That’s not what I meant. You know your sexuality is not what I’m upset about, of course I accept you for whatever your sexuality is,” I told him seriously, before explaining myself further. Yesterday he seemed so much more vulnerable, he does need to understand I will and do accept his sexuality completely, undoubtedly. But that’s not my problem right now, my problem is he didn’t trust me and apparently it was up to Moony to convince him to. “I thought we were close enough to be honest with each other, Sirius.”
He raised his hands as if to show he was unarmed, “woah, woah, why are you getting so fed up? I just came out to you, and it’s not like I ever actually said I had sex or wasn’t asexual.” Sirius Black is a virgin? Now that’s something no one in their right minds would ever believe for one second.
I took a deep breath, keeping my voice even, getting more emotional would just make him upset as much as he hates to admit it , “I know your privacy is yours, but I just, I didn’t think we had secrets like this. After everything with Moony, I want us all to be able to be completely honest with each other,” though my volume only softened with my words. Though, I wasn’t done, “you’re my brother, Pads. I want us to feel safe with each other.”
Eyes downcast, his volume matched mine, “I do feel safe with you, I just… I dunno.” That is when I got up and sat with him on his bed, pulling him into a tight hug. He just melted into the hug, as much as he pretends to be indifferent, everyone who actually knows him knows he’s a sucker for physical affection.
“I’m not mad at you,” I assured him, knowing he needs it, “I’m not disappointed either. I just,” I let out a deep breath, “I just was upset but it’s okay now.” His only response was to hide his face in my shoulder, probably trying to hide whatever emotions he’s feeling.
After several more breaths of hugging. He finally regained his normal energy, “well if you tell anyone I’ll turn into Padfoot and eat all your socks,” only then did I break the embrace.
I rolled my eyes at him, “yeah yeah, whatever you say,” before I turned serious again, “thank you for telling me.”
“Well you didn’t exactly give me the choice,” now it was his turn to roll his eyes. Though, before he could say anything more, Peter came into the room. He didn’t even give us a second thought, coming over to his trunk and shuffling through for something. Sirius did not hesitate to call out, “ey Wormy, I’m asexual by the way.”
Perer’s head shot up, “Ex-fucking-scuse me?” At Sirius’s look of utter confusion, he accused, “You let me stay up late every night waiting for you and Remus to be done doing whatever it was you were actually doing, letting me think you were having sex?! I could have actually gotten sleep!”
At his explanation, both Sirius and I were left cackling, and we only laughed harder when Pads said, “We cuddled like soft folk.”