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Laying in Sirius’s four poster, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to our conversation earlier in the week. Isn’t it wrong of me to let him keep on hiding and pretending, if James could accept what I am he would have no problem accepting something as simple as Sirius’s sexuality. I know it’s not up to me, but if it was totally up to my boyfriend he would probably never tell his practical brother.
Now or never, right? “Hey Pads,” I questioned, knowing he wasn’t asleep yet. He gave a small hum in response, far too comfortable from me spooning him. Though of course he would probably hex anyone who said it, he can’t pretend with me that he doesn’t absolutely adore feeling safe, and safe for him is being held by those he loves. Whether it be James hugging him after winning a Quidditch match, or Peter slinging his arm around him in the hallways, or me spooning him in our- his -bed, he’s always so much more at ease than any other time I’ve seen him. “I want to continue our conversation from the other day.”
And of course because he’s Sirius, he needs to act dumb, “which conversation?” Only when I huffed out a sigh at his avoidance did he flip around on the bed so that he was facing me. Shouldn’t the other Marauders know about his comfort levels? They know he’s obviously been abused his whole life by his family but they don’t know the extent that trauma goes, isn’t it better for everyone to be honest so no more triggers or being uncomfortable?
“I still think you should at least tell James,” I told him seriously, yes I know it’s a pun shut up. When he looked about to whine, I quickly spoke up again before he could, “I think it’s important. I’m not saying the whole school needs to know or even Peter if you’re really that uncomfortable with it, but I really do think James needs to know. You lived with him, you guys really are like brothers,” I desperately tried to convince him.
He tried to be nonchalant, as expected given him, “I’m not dating James, he doesn’t need to know how I feel about sex.”
I was shaking my head before he even finished his sentence, “that’s not the point. The point is you have a lot more trauma and effects from how you grew up than you let on, and I’m not here twenty four seven,” he looked about to protest but not even he can deny that fact, “I want you to have someone else you can go to, especially when I’m gone every month.”
He shifted so he was leaning on his elbow, sitting up a bit, “my shit with my parents isn’t the same as my sexuality.”
I would have rolled my eyes if I didn’t know how much that would backfire, “yeah you’re right your parents didn’t give you your sexuality, but a lot of your fears are from them.”
He had the audacity to scoff at me, “what fears?” Though even in just those two words his voice died down some, because he knows me well enough to know he can’t act with me like everyone else. I’ve seen him freak out every time he thinks he kissed me too hard, I’ve seen him have panic attacks after having an outburst of anger because of how terrified he is to have outbursts like his parents ones. I’ve seen him at his worst and so he can’t dare pretend he doesn’t have fears, not with me.
My voice was softer this time, more comforting, “it’s okay to be scared for James’s reaction. But hey, if he can accept that I’m a…” I forced all the real adjectives I was thinking back down, knowing self deprivation would only make this worse, “weird species, then he can totally accept you. We both know he will.”
For once, Sirius was at a lack for words, taking in what I was saying for a few breaths. Though, instead of being so open like I had hoped he would, he joked, “you’re never going to drop this if I don’t just come out already, are you?” When I responded how he had expected, he said, “well if I do it I’m totally using fireworks and at least three puns.”
I’m not sure if I was smiling more from him saying he may actually do it or from his overdramatized plans, but either way I smirked, “you’re going to ace it.” At his smile, I pulled him to my chest, “I’m proud of you,” I mumbled. With a kiss on his head, I began running my fingers through his long hair, “so so proud,” I emphasized. It’s definitely something he deserves to hear more.
I almost didn’t hear him, his voice was so uncharacteristically soft, “May I?” I normally would have given him a sarcastic ‘obviously’ but now isn’t the time. When I breathed out a yes, he shifted so he could get to my face, giving me one of his gingerly kisses while I still threaded my fingers through his hair.
After a couple more gentle kisses, he’s more gentle kissing as Sirius than he is when giving his licky puppy kisses as Padfoot, I mumbled again, “I Siriusly am so proud of you for being willing to come out,” I reiterated. God knows he deserves people to be happy with him and proud of him.
Though we only got a few more breaths cuddling before a voice sounded, “you two still snogging the night away?”
“Shut up, James,” I practically snapped before turning my attention back to my boyfriend, who had flinched at the unexpected guest. I whispered so low I was sure there was no way James would hear, even from the next bed over, “you’re safe, it’s okay. I’m right here,” I soothed him with another embrace. Of course fucking James needs to interrupt when I finally got Sirius to open up a bit and listen to me. Thankfully though, my boyfriend was able to calm down after a few deep breaths, cuddling back into me.