Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

On Sat, Jan 25, 2020 at 8:10 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Jan 25 2020, 8:10:03 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: stupid twink

Sie,

i'm going to kill him. 100%. it's either that or i jump off the window. and, honestly, heights are pretty scary, man.

R

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 2:03 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 2:03:27 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: stupid twink

“R”,

… i think you might've gotten the wrong email address.

(that's what i'm telling the judge, if you actually kill whoever you're planning on killing)

Confused Stranger

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 7:40 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 7:40:11 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: stupid twink

wait… what?

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 7:40 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 7:40:19 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: stupid twink

oh fuck. hold on

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 7:43 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 7:43:02 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: stupid twink

Confused Stranger,

so, i've made a terrible mistake. i tried to type in “notspot”, but my brain had other plans, of course. i think what we can learn from this story is never to text and walk.

you'll be relieved to hear that i haven't killed anyone. yet. so you're free to walk. although i did step on some ants when i was five, but i'm sure they had it coming.

apologies,

R

Chapter Text

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 12:25 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 12:25:08 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: no hard feelings

R,

ah, i see where the mistake was: you were looking for a single spot. i'm a combination of many. common error!

it is relieving to know that. i'm feeling for those poor ants, but at least they can't sue you like, i'm sure, your fellow “stupid twink” can.

apology accepted,

Not-So-Confused Stranger

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 4:21 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 4:21:21 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: no hard feelings

Stranger ( dai , we're on one-word name basis, aren’t we?),

ah, a combination, alright. am i talking to many different spots, or are you one person with many spots within you? now i'm curious.

i'd rather deal with a lawsuit than have to listen to that voice for another day.

R

On Sun, Jan 26, 2020 at 9:01 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Jan 26 2020, 9:01:59 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: no hard feelings

R,

that was a loaded question. if i had to choose, i'd say i'm more like the latter… i mean, at the end of the day, they're not really spots. they're more like a bunch of very annoying freckles.

that sounds decisive. i'm assuming this person really deserves your hate, and not my sympathy…? either way. as long as you keep me away from court, i support your decision, R. might i suggest, though, a more pacific action? instead of straight-up murder?

Stranger 

On Mon, Jan 27, 2020 at 1:09 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Jan 27 2020, 1:09:00 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: no hard feelings

Stranger (really? i can't even get a name?),

oooh, not spots ! that makes sense. and, hey, give your skin a rest. most people find freckles extremely attractive.

what i'm hearing is… don't stab him, do move all his furniture to the balcony?

R

On Mon, Jan 27, 2020 at 8:57 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Jan 27 2020, 8:57:32 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: no hard feelings

R,

my freckles are the enemy, and they know it. we're not friends.

ooooh, so it's a he . well, you're definitely making some progress. you know what? go for it. it's not as peaceful as just talking to the guy, but anything other than assassination works for me.

A :)

On Mon, Jan 27, 2020 at 3:18 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Jan 27 2020, 3:18:03 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: no hard feelings

A,

i'm going to take a wild guess and say you're into pretty little liars.

freckles are cute!! don't be a baby, or i'll steal them from you. you can keep my 0/20 vision, in exchange.

he is definitely a he. god, i hate him. him and his stupid boyfriend, and his stupid excellent grades, and his stupid non-stop chatter. are you sure violence isn't the solution?

R

On Mon, Jan 27, 2020 at 6:35 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Jan 27 2020, 6:35:16 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: no hard feelings

R,

not really. i really only watched it because the professor was hot, to be honest.

great. so you don't have freckles, and you probably get to wear some really cute glasses. why is life so unfair?

damn, R. you must really hate the guy. i still think talking to people is a good option, but you could always just… avoid him? i'm lost as to what your relationship with him is.

A

On Mon, Jan 27, 2020 at 11:40 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Jan 27 2020, 11:40:39 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: no hard feelings

A,

he was hot, i'll give you that. he was also kind of creepy, tho.

i get to spend a lot of money in glasses i never use, if that's what you mean! really, i just wear my contacts as much as possible. easier to move around.

i hate him, but it's fine, because he hates me right back. i don't think we ever really liked each other… when there were three of us living here, it was easier, because everyone likes specs. it's scientifically impossible to hate them, even if you're an insensitive robot ass like davey. but now specs moved out, and it's been a real battlefield without them.

anyway, at least school is far, so i'm not home for the most part. take that, campus students.

R

Chapter Text

On Tues, Jan 28, 2020 at 4:21 AM, Albert Dasilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Jan 28 2020, 4:21:07 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: he WAS creepy

R,

you're right. it's kind of concerning that i was so into him, i was willing to look past the creepiness. it was a really weird show, now that i think about it.

ah, you're a gym person? or do you just… move around a lot unpromptedly? either way, if you wear contacts, that's still 10x better than my freckles. check the privilege chart, babe.

woah, that's a lot of hate. this davey guy sounds awful, and i've had my share of awful roommates. i'm not sure what the right move would be. i usually just talked to them, but i don't know if that's an option for you right now.

hey, living in campus has its perks, give us a break.

A

On Tues, Jan 28, 2020 at 9:25 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Jan 28 2020, 9:05:58 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: he WAS creepy

A,

told you! i can’t really judge you, though… i was a gleek. go ahead, trash me, i deserve it. but sam was hot, and i will take it to my grave that he was into guys.

definitely not a gym person. i do move around a lot for no reason, but the reason i don't wear glasses is because they fall while i'm dancing, and it's very annoying.

i can't promise you, if i talk to him, that it won't get ugly. like, punch-in-the-face sort of ugly. if i had the money, i'd just move out. maybe then he and his boyfriend could use up all the space and stop complaining about how much space my stuff occupies (when i?? literally live there??)

right now, living anywhere but home sounds great. but, i have to ask: do you really share showers and stuff?

R

On Tues, Jan 28, 2020 at 1:11 PM, Albert Dasilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Jan 28 2020, 1:11:02 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: he WAS creepy

R,

really, a gleek? damn, R, i thought you were better than that. it’s okay, though. one of my best friends made me watch the whole thing and i have to admit, darren criss made it slightly less unbearable.

am i reading this right? you’re a dancer? woah, that’s insane — i dance, too! it’s quite literally all i do… i love meeting other dancers, wow. who would’ve thought.

they sound like they suck, i’m sorry. but talking to him might actually help, and if not, well, at least you tried.

we do share showers. i don’t do well with that, though, so i just wake up earlier to catch an empty shower while everyone else’s sleeping. i don’t miss that, honestly.

A

On Tues, Jan 28, 2020 at 5:03 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Jan 28 2020, 5:03:09 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: he WAS creepy

A,

hey, the covers were amazing! and, yeah, darren criss is so hot. never really liked blaine, though. kurt deserved better.

wait. you’re a dancer? wow. yeah, i dance!! i’ve been doing it since, well, my whole life. it’s pretty much my whole personality. it’s not, like, a big deal, but… yeah. it’s my one-true-passion, i guess.

they suck big time. jack—the boyfriend—isn’t that bad, but, well, by transitive property, he’s bad. does that make sense? this davey kid is just… i don’t know. he’s a snob, man. he thinks he’s so great. and then he thinks he’s good enough to tell me i don’t take things seriously enough. who does he think he is?

what do you mean, you don’t miss it? am i talking to, like, a thirty year old college graduate?

R

On Tues, Jan 28, 2020 at 10:21 PM, Albert Dasilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Jan 28 2020, 10:21:45 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: he WAS creepy

R,

maybe blaine wasn’t the best ever… i’ll give you that. kurt had such a pretty voice.

yes, yes, yes, i’m a dancer! this is so exciting, woah. i’ve been dancing for years, too. i don’t know how good i actually am at it, but it’s the best feeling in the world, when i’m doing it, you know?

man, that sucks. maybe you could try talking to this jack guy? try and see his point of view, you know, as an outsider.

i’m definitely not thirty or a college graduate — i’m nineteen, ha. i’m just away from home right now, in a study trip. it’s been great, actually, and florence is beautiful. most of my friends are here with me so, yeah, i don’t really miss home. sorry to 98% of new yorkers but i’m different.

A

On Wed, Jan 29, 2020 at 4:17 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Jan 29 2020, 4:17:03 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: he WAS creepy

A,

yes! he did! man, i had such a crush on kurt. fine, he was no sam, but have you seen his season 5 haircut?

it’s kinda cute that you find this so exciting. i’ve met a lot of dancers in my life—my best friends—but i love it when other people are just as passionate as i am. it’s… what i wanna do with my life, actually. when i was little, i said i’d set the record for the biggest number of a-la-séconde turns done at once. i still kinda want to. why am i telling you this?

i think i’m going to talk to jack, next time i see him. thanks, A. you don’t have to help me, you know? we’re strangers, after all. but thanks.

oh, thank god you’re not thirty. i’m nineteen, too. and, hold on, you’re in florence, italy? i’m from calabria! man, italy is gorgeous. please enjoy for me — i’m stuck in manhattan until christmas.

R

Chapter Text

On Wed, Jan 29, 2020 at 12:34 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Jan 29 2020, 12:34:07 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: you don’t sleep much

R,

i think we’re close enough for me to ask you why you were awake at 4 AM on a wednesday. night owl much?

i’ve never met any dancers outside of my friend group, that’s why i’m hyped. i’d love to see you set that a-la-séconde record. when you become famous, send some of your fans my way, will ya? i’m planning on making albert dasilva a big, shiny name on the boards… someday.

ah, i’m glad you think i’m helpful, R! after all, you did come to me with that complaint about your roommate, even if you meant to send it to someone else. it’s the least i can do!

never been to calabria, but it sounds nice. i’m sorry you have to be so far away from home until december. NYC isn’t so bad, though, is it? especially when it snows. i hate cold weather, but white christmases always look so nice. i can’t imagine what it must be like to have christmas during summertime.

remind me to send you a postcard,

A

On Wed, Jan 29, 2020 at 5:19 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Jan 29 2020, 5:19:17 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: you don’t sleep much

Albert,

(you just… gave me your name. was that intentional?)

if you must know, i was watching tangled. no, sorry, i was performing every scene and musical number of tangled.

you might not live to see me do it — been at it for years, and i still haven’t hit 100. but i don’t give up because it’s just… so fun. like you said. best feeling in the world. now, when you win your first tony award, you better put me in your speech. i’m not sure how you’d make that work, but i want some praise, too!

you’re too nice, albert. i’ll keep you posted on my roommate situation.

calabria is simply the most beautiful place on earth. i visit every two years, because it takes that long for me to save up, but it’s 100% worth it. and the food, fuck. god-send, i’m telling you. NYC just doesn’t have that.

R

On Wed, Jan 29, 2020 at 9:20 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Jan 29 2020, 9:20:59 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: you don’t sleep much

R,

(i did. it wasn’t intentional, but oh, well. don’t think i haven’t noticed you still haven’t told me yours)

i’m personally more of a frozen person. mother knows best is the best villain song ever, though, so i’ll allow it.

don’t give up!! i’m already so invested in knowing the person who is bound to break an a-la-séconde record. i’ll make t-shirts. i don’t know if i have the same confidence when it comes to my goals, but it’s nice of you to say that.

new york city is beautiful, R! you’re just seeing it wrong. i’m telling you, all you have to do is wake up early on a saturday, grab your jazz shoes and go upstate. ever been to yaddo gardens? the place looks like fairytale scenery, i swear. it’s peaceful and quiet and you can dance the day away out in the open. my favorite thing in the world.

Albert

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 1:35 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 1:35:06 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: you don’t sleep much

Albert,

i'm heartbroken. you really like frozen over tangled? i'm wrecked. shattered. devastated.

that t-shirt thing might be a goldmine, al. just picture it: you and i, central park, i do the turns and you shoot t-shirts of my face at any curious pedestrian. then, when you become famous and land your first lead on broadway, i do the same. instead of playbills, they get t-shirts — it's genius!

i might just have to see those yaddo gardens myself to believe it, but it sounds nice. honestly, any time away from this apartment sounds great right now.

why did you and your class go to florence?

R

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 7:13 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 7:13:08 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: you don’t sleep much

R,

i'm sorry you had to find out like this. i hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for my sins.

not gonna lie, R, that sounds like a great business plan. isn't shooting the t-shirts a bit aggressive, though? like, i'd hate to land my first broadway role (already debatable by itself) and then have to quit because a resentful old lady sued us for our methodology. we can't risk it!

you're going to love yaddo gardens, trust me. i mean, i know i'm a stranger on the internet, but i did confess to loving the guy from pretty little liars, so, trust me. it's one of my safe places in new york.

every year, my college hosts these study trips to europe. last year it was france, the year before that it was germany, and this year, it's italy! we come here as sort of exchange students, attend dance classes on weekday mornings and culture classes  on afternoons — we learn about the place, the history of dance in the country. we can do whatever we want on weekends, but we mostly go to the theater. it's been really fun.

i guess the hardest thing about these trips is that the spots are limited, so you have to audition to get it… which is why i still can't believe i'm here to begin with. we have three more months here, then we get to actually be in a local show, which is crazy, but you have to audition for that, too, so i'm probably just gonna be cheering from the audience.

this email looks like an essay… sorry!

Albert

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 11:54 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 11:54:47 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: you don’t sleep much

Al,

it's going to take a lot from me… but i think i can forgive you. you need to agree that tangled is one of the best disney musicals ever made, though. at least give me that.

shooting the t-shirts is what makes it so fun!! come on, no one’s gonna want to sue us when we're famous and wealthy. in fact, they'll be fighting to get shot with our t-shirts! just wait and see, young padawan. they'll be calling us kings of new york before you know it!

you did embarrass yourself enough for me to trust you with this place. i'll visit this saturday and let you know how it goes.

that is… so cool. the fact that you auditioned and got it! the fact that you're in florence! that's literally living the dream, albert. if you get the time, may i recommend you visit il teatro verdi ? i've only ever been to florence once, and i got to see a ballet there, and it was just… bellissimo.

you need to believe in yourself, al! if you got what it took to even be there, you absolutely have a chance of getting a part. just think of how awesome it'd be to actually dance in an italian theater! it's a unique opportunity, you have to shoot your shot.

R

Chapter Text

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 3:08 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 3:08:09 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: “padawan”

R,

it is! tangled is brilliant… but 12 year old me owes his life to idina menzel and jonathan groff. and kristen bell. and josh gad. and santino fontana. i am who i am because of that movie.

kings of new york sounds a bit ambitious, obi wan. i'm more like the peasant of new york, right now. i like your enthusiasm, though. i'm starting to notice you're just an enthusiastic kid. please tell me you were on the cheerleading team.

i guess it is kinda cool. only eight kids got in; me, five of my friends, and these two dickheads that get a spot in every single trip without deserving it. god’ll forgive me for being bitter (i mean, if he forgives me for everything else), but they just… god. sometimes i think they're gonna pull a stunt and ruin this for us. but they don't, and luckily our supervisor is super cool and she keeps them in line. so florence is all good, so far.

ah, the verdi theatre! i'll tell you what: you go visit yaddo gardens this saturday, and i'll use that day to go visit as you said. deal?

you're good at pep talks, that's another thing i'm learning about you. thanks, R. i guess i just really don't wanna fail. sometimes it seems easy to save yourself the bad feeling of rejection, you know? but even so, i'm gonna audition. i came to italy for a reason, and i love dancing, so… fuck it, even if i don't get a part, it's gonna be great.

Albert

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 9:11 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 9:11:12 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: “padawan”

Al,

(do you even like that nickname? guess i never asked)

12 year old albert sounds like a cool guy. 12 year old race was just really into flashdance and dirty dancing… i was called an old guy trapped in the body of a kid by the same guys that listen to the same three queen songs on repeat today. l’ipocrisia!

call me ambitious, al, but just wait and see. our generation of artists is gonna rule manhattan and i just can't wait to see that. we're the most inclusive generation of all time!! just imagine the power.

i was a cheerleader, if you must know. or, well, something like that. we didn't have an actual team, but whenever kids got together to play sports against the kids from the other hood, me and some girls would cheer for them and sing… it was a whole thing.

it sucks that you're stuck with them for so long, but your friends are there, right? it's not like these kids have anything against you … do they? because, if they do, i might just make some of those t-shirts right now and fly my ass to florence to have a talk.

got you. it's a date. or, well… not a date at all. you know, because we're four thousand miles away from each other, and we're strangers— you get what i meant.

what i'm picking up about you is that you really, really don't believe in yourself. which is stupid, if you ask me, because you've proven to be really freakin’ talented. i'm really glad you're gonna audition anyway, al! you're gonna do great. i believe in you. i don't know why, but i do — there's just something that makes me know how talented you are. and my gut is never wrong, so… 

R

On Thu, Jan 30, 2020 at 11:59 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Jan 30 2020, 11:59:58 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: “padawan”

Race,

(yes, sorry, excuse me, did you say your name is race ? is that… a typo, or something?)

(i’m okay with the nickname!)

i was never a guy , i’m non-binary, but god, i loved dirty dancing! one of my friends and i recreated the jump in the end of that scene and it was one of the proudest moments of my life. i feel like 12 year old you and 12 year old me would’ve gotten along preeeetty well.

you’re right on that. it’s kind of exciting… the generations that follow ours are gonna grow in a world so much more free than the one we were raised on. i kinda can’t wait to see it with my own eyes.

you were a cheerleader! i knew it. you’re so that kind of person. (are you a guy?)

oh, they have something against me, alright. they’re twins, right? and one of them is like… big and scary, i guess. he’s a bigot, and of course he hates people like me. but, then again, i don’t have to worry about him — katherine, our supervisor, is really firm on our no-violence policy. she rules.

as entertaining as it’d be to see you burst through the door in one of those t-shirts, please, don’t. they’re not that big of a threat… not right now, at least.

i’m sorry, were you just rambling? did i read that wrong? did my eyes deceive me?

i don’t even have words to reply to that last part. i just… that’s really nice of you to say. i really needed to read that right now.

Albert

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 7:32 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 7:32:33 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: “padawan”

Al,

(uh… it’s short for racetrack)

(good!!)

got you, sorry about that! what are your pronouns?

ah, well, i guess we missed out on that. thank god we’re friends now, then, right? also, i can’t believe you recreated that scene. were you the guy or the girl, in that scenario? details are important, albert!!

god, just imagine. it’s gonna be amazing to watch all those kids be whoever they wanna be. like, not to be bitter or anything, but… they deserve everything we didn’t have.

okay, if we’re judging books by their covers, you’re definitely the athletic kid. you were in a sports team and you definitely have one of those jackets. tell me i’m wrong.

(i’m a guy. kinda. sometimes?)

that’s awful, al. why does your school even give opportunities to people like that? don’t answer that — i know why. but, still, you shouldn’t be on a trip so many miles away with people that hateful and disgusting. it’s great that your supervisor keeps them in line. what about the other twin, though? is he just as bad?

i’m not going to rule out the idea of bursting through the door to kick both their asses if needed.

shut up! i wasn’t rambling, idiot. i’m just bad at words, or whatever. not like you got me nervous or anything.

whenever you need to hear a nice thing about yourself, young albert, i’m here. i’m also a great cook, if you ever need that . those are the racetrack higgins services.

R

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 9:21 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 9:21:08 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: “padawan”

Race,

(your name is racetrack ?)

my pronouns are they/them. what are yours?

okay, hear me out: i was johnny castle in this specific scenario, because i’m just… tall. some of my friends and i were at this really boring wedding reception at this huge venue, and we got tired of grownups so we went outside and just started dancing and messing around. then, i’ve had the time of my life starts playing, and it’s a whole thing for my friend and i, so i looked at him and he looked at me and we kind of silently agreed on it. it just happened. we did it perfectly. if he fell on me seconds later, that’s no one’s business.

it’s okay, i get it. i’m bitter about that stuff, too. i just hope they have it easier. wouldn’t wish on anyone the shit my folks put me through.

… yes, i was a jock. but a cool one! i know you’re smirking. stop smirking. i was chill, okay? i just fit in the sports type because i’m tall and all that jazz.

(ah, kind-of-sometimes-guy, i’m familiar! gender is weeeeird, isn’t it?)

the school has no choice but to give these things to them, because their uncle is the dean’s right hand man, which sucks. our dean is kind of a jackass. anyway. morris — the mean one — just doesn’t care about anything. he’s in this for the money, or to make his family proud, but really he just cares about sex and football. then there’s oscar… he’s a mystery, kinda. he loves his brother, and he’s a jerk, but he’s just quiet. he stands by when shit goes down. he really cares about dancing, and he’s good at it, too. if he wasn’t his brother’s brother, maybe he’d be a cool guy. i pity him, sometimes.

are you really trying to pick fights, or are you just dying to meet me?

what’s that about me making you nervous, now? come on, race, i thought you were the cool one between us two. keep it together! ;)

it’s nice to know i’m part of the racetrack higgins target demographic.

Albert

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 12:01 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 12:01:56 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: “padawan”

Al,

(it’s… a nickname. real name’s antonio)

well, he/him, for one… but i’m kind of figuring it out. is that okay?

that whole first paragraph is now my favorite thing in the world. oh, to be a twelve-year-old playing johnny castle. also, for reference, just how tall are you? should i feel proud of the fact that i’m friends with a skyscraper?

well, i’ve been told i’m an expert when it comes to rocky childhoods. if you wanna share, or talk about it, i’m here.

i knew it! i knew it! fuck, i’m a psychic. if dancing never takes off, i’m gonna make some money out of that. you were a jock, with your cute little jock jacket, and you paraded around in your jock style, and girls probably died at your feet. cute little high school albert.

(it is . i don’t really understand it, most of the time. or, not like most people do? i don’t know. i’m not making any sense.)

i had a morris, too. almost got kicked out of my studio because i tap-shoed his stupid teeth when he came for one of my friends. but this kid, oscar… i’m not gonna lie, it sits badly with me that he stands by his brother and lets him do all that shit, even if he doesn’t do it himself. you think he’s afraid of going against him? poor guy, maybe you’re right. with the family he’s got…

i can’t help myself. the deal is, i go there, end this morris kid’s life, then you and i ride off to the sunset together. so, it’s a bit of both.

shut up! shut. up. you don’t know what you’re saying, dasilva. and that emoji just earned you a spot in the bad place.

R

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 3:45 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 3:45:04 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: “padawan”

Race,

(ooooh, may i call you toni , then?)

of course it’s okay, R. took me 16 years, there’s no time limit. if you have questions or anything, though, i’m here! take it easy on that, no rush.

i’m 5’11. i know, i know, i’m not that tall, but all of my friends are many inches shorter than me. it’s a lonely world, up here.

thanks, race. i don’t really like to talk about it, but if worse comes to worst, i’ll keep the offer in mind. and, same goes to you, uh. if you ever wanna talk about that stuff.

no girls died at my feet during high school, luckily. my jock jacket had a pride flag in the back. i mean, not literally — i would never have been able to take it home, if it did have a pride flag on it, but, you know what i mean. thing is, girls knew better than to die at my feet. they simply would’ve gone unanswered.

(you are making sense! i mean, it’s different for everyone. i know autism makes gender make even less sense, so that’s part of it on my side. but, you know. it’s just generally complicated.)

the fact that you tap-shoed someone’s teeth amazes me. and, about oscar… he does seem like he’s trapped. there’s just no way i can help him, you know? if the guy wants to be better than his folks, he has to get the hell out of there, like the best of us. not that it’s easy, but i really hope he can escape them. he’s really talented. it’d be a shame if it went to waste.

look at us. been talking for six whole days, and you wanna ride with me into the sunset. not that i’m complaining.

i’m ;) sorry ;) does ;) it ;) bother ;) you? ;)

Albert

Chapter Text

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 6:23 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 6:23:20 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: five ELEVEN??

Al,

(no one ever really calls me that… but, yeah, go ahead!)

okay, then. i might just take you up on that. or, you know, pull an all-nighter watching youtube videos and taking quizzes about this stuff. one of the two.

you’re 5’11??? man, i’m feeling seriously unmotivated right now. i don’t think i wanna meet you, after all. of course it’s a lonely world if you’re a giant .

lucky. you weren’t stuck giving the “sorry, not interested” speech to girls for years until someone got the message. i swear, there is not a single thing about me that says “likes girls”, but they give it a shot. gotta say, i admire that.

(autism has something to do with this? man, that explains things. do neurotypicals just have everything easier?)

it’s nice that you really wish this guy the best. i’m sure he doesn’t have that with a lot of people. have you guys ever talked?

if you send one more of those i will never speak to you again. you’ve been warned.

R

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 8:11 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 8:11:53 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: five ELEVEN??

Toni,

i can’t compete with youtube and quizzes, now, can i? but i’m still here. if you need me.

okay, calm down, bite size. i’m not a giant. it’s not my fault the rest of you are vertically challenged.

some straight girls are so brave. maybe i should’ve asked them for advice, back in the day. i have maybe two female friends right now, and neither are straight. i just can’t win.

(they do. life is not even.)

oscar and i… it’s weird, really. we talked once, after his brother tried to beat me up. he looked really apologetic, but didn’t actually apologize. i thought he was coming to finish up what morris had tried to start, so i probably barked some shit at him, but he didn’t try anything. it’s like he was there to say sorry, but couldn’t actually get the word out. i don’t know… maybe i should try talking to him again. see what’s inside his mind, and whatnot.

Albert ;)

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 8:12 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 8:12:06 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: five ELEVEN??

OKAY I’M SORRY I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF I WON’T DO IT AGAIN I PROMISE

On Fri, Jan 31, 2020 at 10:59 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Jan 31 2020, 10:59:09 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: five ELEVEN??

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace :(

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 1:04 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 1:04:38 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: five ELEVEN??

toniiiiii don’t be meaaaan

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 1:44 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 1:44:16 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: five ELEVEN??

daaaai, toni, non arrabbiarti!!!!

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 2:07 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 2:07:12 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: five ELEVEN??

you are impossible. fine. but ONLY because i didn’t know you knew italian

Chapter Text

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 2:13 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 2:13:18 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: emoji non sono ammessi

Al,

thanks. it means a lot.

bite size . vertically challenged . you’re a person of words, aren’t you?

(well, they may know gender, but can they name every type of turtle and their characteristics? checkmate.)

talking to oscar sounds like the right thing to do, i guess. just make sure he doesn’t try anything weird. also, you just reminded me i’m supposed to talk to my roommate’s boyfriend soon… might do it next week. we shall see.

today is yaddo gardens day!! teatro verdi day!! why am i excited!!

i’ll let you know how i like the gardens.

R

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 1:07 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 1:07:21 PM
from: [email protected] 
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: emoji non sono ammessi

Toni,

my friends and i are on our way to the theatre! it’s still pretty damn early, though. the show doesn’t start for another three hours. but we were thinking of checking this museum out, since it’s nearby. we’re gonna see alice in wonderland , a ballet. i can’t wait!!

i hope it’s not too cold today? you don’t have to go to the gardens if it is… i’d rather you didn’t freeze to death on my account.

i think i’m gonna talk to oscar today, if i get the chance. remind me to fill you in on that later.

my friends are bullying me out of my phone because they’re the worst, so, talk to you later!!! i’m excited, too. this is gonna be fun!! i’ve heard great things about this theatre.

Albert

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 4:15 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 4:15:23 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: emoji non sono ammessi

Al,

albert. al. al. this place is… no words in any language i know can describe it. what the fuck? how has this been a part of the city for so long without me knowing??

i got here pretty early, around 10 AM, and it was pretty quiet and peaceful, just like you said. i walked around for a while, then found a spot and danced for a few hours, and, man. it was one of the most therapeutic things i’ve ever done. no wonder you come up with these zen solutions to everyone’s problems.

this kid asked me about my shoes, then, half an hour ago or so. he was, like, seven? eight? his mom was there, too. he asked to dance with me. so i showed the kid my moves, and he showed me his, and he obviously defeated me. it was nice. i hope the kid keeps dancing.

i hope you’re having fun at the theatre!! let me know, as soon as you get out. i don’t care if your friends try to bully you out of your phone. shoot them a t-shirt, al. you’re a giant, anyway. what are they gonna do? climb a tree and jump you?

i think i’m gonna stay here until dusk. it’s too pretty to go now. and davey is home, so, absolutely no rush to leave.

thank you for showing me this place, al. i’m in love with it.

R

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 9:18 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 9:18:38 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: emoji non sono ammessi

Toni,

we just got out of the theatre. i’m typing with one hand and punching my friends with the other so they can’t really take my phone from me right now.

it was so?? beautiful?? amazing?? breathtaking?? i’m starting to sound like a white old lady but?????????????????????????????????????????????????

alice in wonderland was so good it made my friends cry. not me, though. i didn’t cry. at all. but, race, toni, it was one of the best things i’ve ever seen. i wanna dance like that, man. up on a stage. i want to do that forever.

i think the theatres are definitely what i’m gonna miss the most, once we go back to the us. the theatres and the food.

i’m so glad you liked the gardens!! kind of jealous that some random kid got to dance with you before me, but it is what it is. did i or did i not say that place was amazing?

oscar is here… i think i’m gonna talk to him. wish me luck.

Albert

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 10:32 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 10:32:06 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: emoji non sono ammessi

Al,

see? i knew you would use your freakishly-tall-person powers. i know you so well.

you do sound like a white old lady, but i’ll let it pass, because that theatre is just that amazing and that special. i’m so, so glad you got to enjoy it like that. it’s gonna be us, one day, you know? up on a stage like that. just because right now it’s just a dream doesn’t mean it’ll never come true.

that was cheesy. quick, i need to make fun of you for something before i die.

jealous of some kid, now, dasilva? that’s looooow. i’ll tell you what. if you’re not tired of me by the time you come back, i’ll dance with you at the gardens. sounds like a deal?

good luck!!

R

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 11:08 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 11:08:31 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: emoji non sono ammessi

Toni,

first of all, yes . i’m jealous of that kid and i’ll take you up on that offer when i get back. why would i get tired of you, anyway?

so, uh, i talked to oscar. it was… weird. like, really weird. we all came to see the ballet, right? because at first it was supposed to be just romeo and jojo (friends) and i, but then katherine thought it’d be nice if we did it as a group, so everyone joined. anyway. we were walking back, and oscar was kind of orbiting between us and his brother. so i walked up to him and said “hey, we’re going out for my birthday tomorrow. wanna come?”

and then, pardon my french, things started to go to shit after that.

he was, like, about to say yes. i could see it in his face, you know? like, his first impulse was to say yes. but he must’ve remembered who he was, or who his brother was, because he immediately started saying shit. that wasn’t the weird part — i’ve been called slurs before. but oscar didn’t mean it, toni. i know he didn’t. he spoke like a robot. like a morris copycat. he said those things but it hurt him more than it did me. you know what i mean?

anyway. i guess that’s it for oscar coming to my birthday party. morris looked pissed off, though. he better not put him through any shit.

Albert

Chapter Text

On Sat, Feb 1, 2020 at 11:45 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 1 2020, 11:45:37 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: YOUR BIRTHDAY??

Al,

HOW COME YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOUR BIRTHDAY WAS TOMORROW?????

okay. deep breaths. if i wasn’t broke, i’d send you a t-shirt.

you’d be surprised of just how many people get tired of me, albie. i’m a box of surprises!! and those surprises are often annoying. oh, well.

wow. oscar is… wow. it’s good that you believe in him so much, because if i was in your spot, i would’ve imploded the second he started calling me slurs. that’s not cool, al. even if you’re sure he didn’t mean it. you need to know that’s not okay. ever .

you’re gonna try again, aren’t you? it’s really admirable of you, to keep trying with that kid. just make sure you don’t get hurt in the process, because then i’d have to fly to italy and kick his ass, and that’d be unfortunate.

R

On Sun, Feb 2, 2020 at 12:01 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 2 2020, 12:02:01 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!!

OKAY YOU’RE PROBABLY GETTING DRUNK RIGHT NOW BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY I HOPE YOU HAVE A REALLY COOL DAY BECAUSE YOU’RE A REALLY COOL PERSON OKAY PLEASE DON’T THINK I’M WEIRD I JUST REALLY LIKE BIRTHDAYS MM BYE

On Sun, Feb 2, 2020 at 6:21 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 2 2020, 6:21:13 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Toni,

it’s my birthday, yeah!! i guess i didn't mention it because… it didn’t come up? and i’m pretty used to never talking about my birthday anyway. old habits die hard.

anyway! that’s so sweet of you. i didn’t get drunk. i’m starting to think it was you who got drunk for both of us, after all that excitement. but thanks, race.

i don’t think i’m getting tired of you. it’s only been a week, but i really look forward to talking to you, toni! like, all the time. honestly. i don’t see why i’d ever get tired.

i am gonna try again, thank you very much. it’s just that i can’t give up on him — not when everyone else has, and this might be one of his only chances to redeem himself. does that make sense? like, i know he wants to be a good guy, so i feel like giving up on him would be wrong.

whatever happened to your awkward situation, hm? it was the reason our whole pen-pal thingy even started, you better keep me up to date.

Albert

On Sun, Feb 2, 2020 at 8:57 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 2 2020, 8:57:51 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Al,

god, today’s been so crazy i didn’t even see this until now. sorry about that— not that you were, like, waiting for my reply. or maybe you were. i don’t expect you to. anyway!

i, for one, happen to think that birthdays are a huge deal. did you have fun? wasn’t it weird to spend it on italy instead of at home with your family?

shut it, i wasn’t drunk, i was excited . that’s one of my surprises, y’know, the ones that drive people away? sorry about that. but, yeah! you’re very welcome.

i’m kind of hoping that opinion won’t change. i look forward to talking to you, too. even though it’s been days. is that weird?

whatever you end up doing with the oscar situation, my only advice is this: don’t put yourself in trouble. i’m just starting to assume the kid is trouble. i hope i’m wrong, though. and i think it’s really kind that you don’t wanna give up on him.

my awkward situation… god. that’s actually what kept me away today. do you have time? it’s a long story, i don’t wanna write you an essay for an email.

let me know. and be careful with the oscar thing!

R

On Mon, Feb 3, 2020 at 7:37 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Feb 3 2020, 7:37:01 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Toni,

oh, come on. we’ve been talking for nine days, young antonio, you should know by now that i always look forward to your reply. i just assumed you were eaten by a crocodile or something. of course i was expecting your reply!

it’s cute that you find birthdays so exciting, actually. i had my fun! like i told you, oscar didn’t come, but everyone else—except morris, obviously—tagged along and we went out for drinks. it’s a pretty cool group, actually. there’s definitely a lot of romance blossoming here in florence, if you’re the gossip type. i have aaaaall the details.

i don’t really miss birthdays with my family… i never really had them, so. nothing to miss. these people are my family, in a way, so it works.

even better if you weren’t drunk, R! i like the energy, really. why would i not?

i’m not really one to change my mind fast, so, no worries! you’re on my good side, and i’m not even a people person. your cute personality just got lucky. and it’s not weird, race. nothing about you is weird.

even if oscar is trouble… i was trouble, too. i don’t want him to feel like he has to be the bad guy, you know? but, don’t worry, i won’t get hurt. promise.

oh, god, yes . details, pleaseeeee. (but i hope you’re okay? you didn’t… actually kill him, did you? do i need to bail you out from some prison?)

Albert

On Mon, Feb 3, 2020 at 12:55 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Feb 3 2020, 12:55:11 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Al,

crocodiles? in… new york???

well, birthdays are amazing! it’s nothing i made up, al, it’s the science of it all. birthdays mean a whole other year that you’ve been alive. and the world’s tough! it’s kind of like an invisible medal. or a reminder. or both. also, cake.

yes, yes, yes, gossip, me, i want it. tell me about your florence group shenanigans. now .

i’m glad you have your family there with you, then. that matters way more than blood, doesn’t it? and, for what it’s worth, i was here wishing you a happy birthday all 24 hours of yesterday, so you did have people back in NYC. see? international birthday. extra cool.

you’d be surprised by how many people don’t like the whole obnoxious thing.

are you flirting with my personality because you don’t know what i look like? that’s a bold move, dasilva. i like it.

keep me posted on what happens with oscar!

god, the roommate thing. no, i didn’t kill anyone, i promise. not yet . sorry if this gets long:

so, you know davey, the roommate. and you know how we don’t really like each other at all. it’s almost like we’re strangers living together to split the rent, really, because we don’t talk, like, ever . if we do, it usually ends in chaos, and it’s been like that since the day we met and he made some snarky comment about my “attitude” (what is he, 70?) and i just… lost it. it struck a nerve, i guess. maybe i overreacted, but, no, fuck him. he’s an ass. so we never talk.

i wasn’t really planning on following your advice unless strictly necessary, because i know you were right, but i just. really. hate him. but that didn’t really matter, because as i was entering my building i bumped into jack—the boyfriend—and he was, like, upset. and i’m not an ass, and he seems like an actual human being, so i asked what was wrong. and wow .

turns out, mr. perfect is baaaad at relationships! ha. suck it, smartass. anyway. jack was, like, really upset, so i assume they had gotten into an argument before he stormed out. he didn’t seem to understand that i’m not precisely davey’s favorite person, because he just told me everything .

apparently, he and davey have been going out for a while now, long enough to assume it’s serious (i thought they were engaged, not gonna lie) and davey has been over at jack’s a lot and has met his family and everything, but it seems like he doesn’t wanna take jack to meet his family. ugly, huh?

but then , it got worse. so jack was like, “what? you don’t want me to meet them? you’re embarrassed of me?” and davey… didn’t say anything? what does that even mean ?

jack was a mess, and i really felt bad, al. i kinda panicked, because i love to help but i’m not really good at giving advice. but, i don’t know. i guess i thought of you, your wiseness (is that a word?) and all that, and i just. i don’t know. i told jack to just talk to davey, which seems to be the common verdict anyway. so he told me he will.

i hope they don’t break up. i don’t know why , though, i just… they seem happy together, or whatever. and jack’s a good guy. i don’t think davey’s embarrassed of him, even though he is the worst human being to ever be. i told jack that and reassured him and he seemed calmer after we talked, so i took it as a win.

but, yeah. now i’m involved, kinda. of course, davey didn’t say a word to me when i walked in, and i wasn’t about to say anything either, so that still remains untouched. but… progress?

woah, this was long. sorry about that. anyway, yeah. jack hasn’t been over yet, but maybe he’s giving it a few days ‘til it blows over. relationships seem hard.

hope you didn’t fall asleep reading this,

R

Chapter Text

On Mon, Feb 3, 2020 at 5:26 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Feb 3 2020, 5:26:18 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: good kid

Toni,

yeah. crocodiles. the ones that live in the sewers.

mm, you know what? i’ll give you that. i had never thought of that part of birthdays until now. good job, higgins.

florence shenanigans!! okay, let’s see. so, there’s me, morris and oscar, katherine (our supervisor), then there’s my friends—romeo, elmer, jojo, and finch—and then there’s olivia and gaia, our… guides? they’re both from florence, and i think they knew kath already, so they’re just always around. they don’t go by those names, though. i think kath calls olivia “smalls” and gaia “sniper”, but i’m not sure. never took katherine for someone to nickname her friends, so that was fun to find out.

anyway! the gossip in question. first of all, i kind of thought that kath liked smalls when we first got here. i’m still not completely sure nothing happened there, but smalls and sniper definitely have something going on on their side, so there’s that. other than that, i think finch and elmer kissed the other night when we went out. i actually know elmer (and jojo, and romeo) from high school, so that was hilarious, because elmer was my high school girlfriend and finch and i dated for a while in freshman year of college. messy!

the others… i think romeo has a significant other back home, but he doesn’t talk about them that much. all i know is they’re a classics major at columbia, which is cool. jojo is dating buttons—friend of mine—and a kid named henry, but they’re both back home, so they’re always on the phone with them. it’s cute.

and then there's me. i walk a lonely road, racer. like the green day song. now, moving onto the reply part of this long-ass email,

maybe i’m not most people , toni. and you’re not allowed to call yourself obnoxious, because that implies annoyance on my part, and i don’t seem to find any. sorry!

i don’t think flirting with a personality is really possible, but it’s not really my fault that i don’t know what you look like, is it?

oh, and speaking of good jobs… you actually care about this roommate of yours more than you care to admit, don’t you? it’s really cool that you tried to help his boyfriend like that. it’s not really your responsibility to fix them, if they do break up. keep that in mind. it’s up to them to work it out, now. but, still, i think you did really good. if my approval means anything to you.

also, you thought of me ? to give them advice? woah, i’m flattered. this… this is my peak. i’ve made it.

progress, toni. baby steps.

Albert

On Tues, Feb 4, 2020 at 1:17 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 4 2020, 1:17:09 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: good kid

Al,

right. and why, according to this flawless logic, would i run into the sewer crocodiles?

i like your friend katherine. anyone who nicknames their friends is a friend of mine. also… jojo? elmer? finch ? are you the only kid with an actual name in that group?

hang up. albert. GIRLFRIEND??

that's weird. my ex-roommate—i told you about specs, right?—is a classics major in columbia, too. wouldn't that be weird, if they knew your friend? i’ll text them later and ask. 

you poor thing. single in florence… disgrace!

you're oddly reassuring for someone who doesn't really know me, and i don't know why. what are you onto, albert? why aren't you like most people?

i don't care about him, shut up. he's awful and i hope he dies a painful death. he's an ass, really. he is. he is . just—no. shut up.

now, you see what happens? i call you wise once and it goes to your head. it's like a not-guy just can't make a compliment around here anymore. (but, thanks. you did help… somehow.)

progress. i’ll drink to that!

R (@tonylh)

On Tues, Feb 4, 2020 at 11:09 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 4 2020, 11:09:26 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: good kid

Toni,

the grocery store. maybe the crocodile had to buy toilet paper. or a soda.

those are some brave words coming from a not-guy named racetrack. but, yeah, i am. they tried to call me red for a while, and… no. i literally wore a hat every day for nine months to stop that from happening.

yeah, girlfriend. or, well, “girlfriend”. elmer's a girl and she's my friend, so fifteen year old me was like why not? —because i’m gay, that's why. but, hey, i got my dad off my back for a while, and elmer’s really good at mario kart. it wasn't all bad.

do you believe in coincidences, toni?

thanks for feeling bad for me. that was the goal. you feeling bad for me. i did it!

that's a loaded question. has it ever crossed your mind that maybe, just maybe, i want to get to know you? you're not like most people either, R. maybe that's the thing.

tooooniiii and daaaveeyyy sitting in a tree, g-e-t-t-i-n-g a-l-o-n-g

oh, it's gone to my head, alright. i’m the wisest person alive. my head is huge . too late for take-backs. (you're very welcome.)

Albert (am i supposed to look you up, or…?)

On Tues, Feb 4, 2020 at 3:00 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 4 2020, 3:00:10 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: good kid

Al,

oh, wow. i can’t argue with that logic. how did we even get to crocodiles ?

my name is amazing and it is unmatched . i do respect your decision—and determination—of not wanting to go by red , you can do better than that. why red, anyway?

mario kart, huh? not to brag, but i happen to be the king of mario kart. not to, like, compete with this elmer friend of yours, but, you know. it is one of my many skills.

woah, tough question. i don't think i know what i believe in—i’ll let you know if i figure it out. do you believe in coincidences, albie?

what i get from what you're saying is that i don't really get you at all, right now. you're not gonna make my life any easier, are you?

watch it. i hate him and i'll hate you too. do not test me.

R (you wanna see what i look like or not?)

On Tues, Feb 4, 2020 at 7:39 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 4 2020, 7:39:18 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: good kid

Toni,

you took long to reply, i assumed you were eaten by crocodiles, you asked about the crocodiles, i explained the crocodiles.

red worked in two different ways. first, taylor swift album. i had a phase. and second… my hair’s just red. not really original, if you think about it. like, elmer came from a glue incident, jojo was because they’re the embodiment of jojo siwa (you know, from dance moms?), romeo came from the shakespeare character because he’s a hopeless romantic, finch just loves birds, and buttons was because the first day of class he showed up with a shirt that was missing every button. where does “red” fit in there?

anyway. not that i’m bitter, but i will bite your hands off if you call me that. you know, just a precaution.

are you… jealous, antonio? of my high school girlfriend? or are you just really passionate about mario kart? we’ll just have to wait and see when i’m back from the trip. you may be good around your group, but i’m the champion of this game. don’t get your hopes up.

i don’t believe in coincidences, toni. i believe that things—good, bad, very good, very bad—happen because they’re supposed to, y’know?

toooni and daaaveyy… 

Albert (yes i do 100% thank you very much)

Chapter Text

On Tue, Feb 4, 2020 at 11:51 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 4 2020, 11:51:02 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: you just lost the game

Al,

ah, right. how could i forget? well, your crocodile theory checks out. that’s where i’m writing you from, actually. i’m inside a crocodile. amazing reception, by the way! you should try it out.

i’m getting a lot of emotion coming from the nickname subject, but don’t worry. i think your name is cool enough to not have a nickname. and it means that you didn’t get into anything embarrassing enough to get nicknamed after it. win-win!

what? i’m not jealous. we’ve been talking for ten days, how could i be jealous? why would you even think i’m jealous? maybe you’re jealous. yeah, that’s what i’m thinking. jealous of my insane mario kart skills. as soon as you step foot in america, you’re doing down , dasilva.

where does that leave us? good, bad, very good, very bad?

i will kill you, albert.

R (...)

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 6:21 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 6:21:57 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected] 
subject: GOD

BUTTONS HES REALLY CUTE HE GAVE ME HIS INSTAGRAM AND HES SO ??? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 6:29 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 6:29:38 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: you just lost the game

(HELLO?? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??)

Toni,

you know, if dance fails you and the t-shirt business does too, then you could totally make some profit off of that. turn it into a hotel! b ‘n b but croc style. and everyone wears crocs.

i guess, yeah. at least i’m not elmer— she has to explain every time that yes, the nickname comes from elmer’s glue and yes, it’s because in the third grade she broke a bottle of glue and all the contents ended up either on her hair or her hands and clothes. it’s funny because no one calls her eliza except, like, her mom, so everyone knows her as elmer. the glue girl.

yeah, sounds definitely non-jealous to me. totally natural. where did you say you went to college? do they have an acting program? you should get on that, too. this is your calling.

we’ll just have to wait and see what happens, toni. sometimes, one can’t really know something good is happening until it’s happening.

you’ll kill me? you and how many of your army? and here i thought i was an abnormally-giant skyscraper of a person and you didn’t stand a chance.

Albert (i followed you!)

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 11:42 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 11:42:03 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
subject: HELP????

HELP THEY FOLLOWED ME AND THEYRE HOT

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 11:47 AM, Sienna Conlon <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 11:47:20 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
subject: RE: HELP????

… follow them back?

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 11:48 AM, Lucía Valetti <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 11:48:32 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
subject: RE: HELP????

who are we even talking about? also mush is gonna kill you

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 11:51 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 11:51:25 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: you just lost the game

(i can’t remember. did you do something to upset me? i’m sure you had it coming.)

Al,

sometimes, i think you just wake up and spit whatever you were dreaming into words and that’s how we get to a crocs-themed b ‘n b. not that i’m complaining, it sounds like a good idea.

this elmer girl—your girlfriend —sounds like someone i’d be friends with. when people ask me why i go by racetrack i have to all but explain my entire life story; how i lived by the tracks in one of my first foster homes, how i just really liked to run, how i was the fastest in my class, and blah, blah, blah. it’s a cool name, though. how many not-guys named race do you know? exactly.

ha ha. you’re hilarious. did i really not say where i go to college? i mean, that makes sense, i don’t know where you go, either. i guess it never came up. (also, i did consider majoring in acting, so… joke’s on you .)

i have a feeling this is a good thing.

oh, be quiet, will you? i might be 5’4, but if my 5’2 best friend stands on my shoulders then you don’t stand a chance! another thing to prove when you get back from your trip.

how’s that going, by the way? any news on the whole oscar thing?

R (oh really ? let’s see.)

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 12:25 PM, Nicholas Meyers (ID: 4897621)  <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 12:25:06 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]
subject: RE: HELP????

STOP USING MY SCHOOL EMAIL FOR THESE THINGS

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 3:31 PM, Brisa Ninett Davenport <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 3:31:35 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: GOD

omg albert get ittttttt

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020 at 8:54 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 8:54:09 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: GOD

you know you used to give really good advice before you started going out with henry and jojo

On Wed, Feb 5, 2020, at 9:02 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 5 2020, 9:02:56 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: you just lost the game

(you’re mean)

Toni,

oh, man, i wish my dreams were as simple as that. i think neither of us would enjoy it if i actually talked about what my dreams are. crocs-themed b ‘n b is much better.

you’ve got a point, yeah. i guess i don’t know any not-guys named race. do your friends all go by nicknames, too, or are you the only one?

you didn’t say where you go to college. is it, like, a secret? are you hiding from the fbi?

i have a feeling this is a good thing, too.

YOU’RE 5’4?? oh, my sweet, little toni. of course you think i’m a giant.

the oscar thing, right. it’s actually… pretty weird. after the whole birthday catastrophe i just sort of expected him to stay away, you know? but he’s been tagging along to more and more activities with us and without his brother. it’s almost as if he’s hiding from him, because whenever morris isn’t around oscar actually looks like he’s enjoying himself, and it’s only when morris is there that he puts his walls back up. the name-calling stopped, though. i think i might be making some progress with him.

you know what they say—all great changes are preceded by chaos. maybe this is oscar’s great change.

Albert

Chapter Text

On Thu, Feb 6, 2020 at 1:12 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 6 2020, 1:12:07 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: always watching

Al,

i wouldn’t mind it if you wanted to talk about your dreams. i always do that, in a way. it’s not gonna bother me just because the dreams are bad—if you ever wanna talk about it, as i’ve said before, i’m here.

… oh, wow. now that i think about it, all my friends go by nicknames. in my close circle, there’s spot (sienna), blink (lucía) and mush (nick), and then specs—i don’t even know specs’ first name. is it really that common?? or are both our friend groups an exception to the rule??

please. like i’d be able to keep a secret from the fbi. they know everything , albie. they’re always watching. they’re reading our emails right now. reading and laughing and watching.

also, no, it’s not a secret, i just thought i had said it. i go to juilliard, dance division (… obviously). two of my best friends go there, too, so that’s pretty cool. makes up for the bad stuff, and whatnot.

i’m not small, you’re abnormally tall! that’s not my fault! stop laughing. stop laughing.

woah, that’s really great! i mean, not the morris thing. that guy sounds like he’s never gonna change, huh? but oscar… i’m really glad you’re making progress. keep me updated! i’m so invested in this, now.

R

On Thu, Feb 6, 2020 at 8:20 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 6 2020, 8:20:08 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: always watching

Toni,

thanks. really. i don’t know if i’m really up to it, right now, and it’s not even a big deal, but i’ll keep it in mind. it means a lot.

spot? blink? mush ? your imagination is way bigger than mine, clearly. where did all those even come from? and, yes, i’m pretty sure we’re the exception. if everyone went by nicknames the world would work a little bit differently.

hey, fbi agent inside my phone! hope you’re enjoying our emails!

you go to JUILLIARD????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? YOU GO TO JUILLIARD DANCE?? JUILLIARD DANCE DIVISION?? JUILLIARD SCHOOL OF DANCE??

okay. sorry about that. but, woah. juilliard dance is like… the best dance school in the country. and it’s so exclusive, too! you’re a first-year, right? is it hard? do you like it there?

i’m asking too many questions. moving on!

shut up, you’re tiny. bite size. forehead kiss size. i’m gonna laugh all i want.

yeah, i think morris is a lost cause. i really, really hate that guy. about oscar, he just sat next to me in the tourist bus thingy on our way to a museum, and he actually engaged in conversation for the first time. he likes the eagles. who knew?

my friends are all a bit wary about him, and i get it. i just hope, if oscar finally does switch to our side , they won’t be too hard on him.

Albert

On Thu, Feb 6, 2020 at 1:36 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 6 2020, 1:36:02 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: always watching

Al,

if it’s bothering you, it’s a big enough deal for me. and, sure! any time.

oh, boy. let’s see. spot is my best friend, sienna, and she got her nickname because she has vitiligo, and also when we were little she was always somehow covered in dirt stains? blink’s real name is lucía or lucy , and she got the name because she wears an eyepatch (and because she’s really into blackpink, but she’d never admit it out loud). mush is nick, blink’s boyfriend, and they got their nickname because they had a really strong lisp when we were little. also, if you met them in person you’d totally see what i mean, but mush is just… the definition of mushy .

don’t talk to the fbi, they can see you!! god. if you die, it’s not on me.

yeah, juilliard. i’m good with the questions, by the way! it’s just, um. i love it, i really do. it’s the school of my dreams, of course, it’s the school. but sometimes… i don’t know if this is gonna make any sense, but:

sometimes, school makes it hard for me to breathe. to stop and remind myself that i’m human before i’m a dancer, you know? like that part of me is a little gone. like i’m nothing if i’m not dancing. getting in was almost like a fever dream, you know? the entire audition process was insane. only 10 kids of the 300 auditioning made it and being a part of that made me feel a bit invincible, because i did that, i got in, that was all me. but then, it’s juilliard , you know? juilliard is juilliard, and i’m me—an orphan with two cents on the bank and pretty much nothing to offer. so, when that hit, it got harder.

this is sounding depressing, wow. please don’t take it the wrong way? i love juilliard. i love dancing more than anything in my life and i’ve always dreamed about dancing here. it’s just that i love it so much, it takes over me. my entire life, my entire personality, it comes from dancing. so if i don’t make it, it’s like i’m… no one. does that make any sense?

wow, that was long. why do i feel so comfortable venting in these emails?

“forehead kiss height”, now that’s an interesting offer. elaborate?

oh, an eagles man. good taste, i trust him. (not really. i still think you should be careful, but) i hope your friends will see what you’re seeing, but i can’t say i blame them. they’re probably just looking out for you.

R

On Thu, Feb 6, 2020 at 5:17 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 6 2020, 5:17:58 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: always watching

Toni,

your friends sound really cool! lots of italian names. are you all italian?

eh, i’m not scared of the fbi. cops didn’t catch me when i ran away, so i like to think i’m pretty invincible.

i do understand. i mean, my school is definitely not juilliard, but dancing is all i have—all i am. it’s why i know most of my friends, it’s what i wanna do with my life, it’s what makes me happy. but, race, there’s the thing: i dance because it makes me happy, it makes me feel fulfilled and like i’m really being myself and living up to the version of myself that i want to be. that’s why we dance! because it’s our way of bringing art to the world. not because we owe it to anyone, but because we want it to be our thing—our message.

juilliard is elite, that’s the main difference with me and my school, but that merit should only make you feel better, not put more pressure on your shoulders. you’re already in, you got it. you auditioned and got in strictly because you’re talented, and they saw that. that’s way better than getting any money-oriented spot in any kind of education.

you do have things to bring to the table. namely, everything you just mentioned. the fact that you came from where you came and you’re heading where you’re heading. it’s your story, toni. you’re writing it. isn’t that a big enough deal, as it is? in my book, it is.

also, you can’t be a dancer and a robot. you’re a dancer because you’re human, because you make mistakes and work to accomplish things and learn from the good and the bad. dancing and living don’t have to be two separate things, they can go together.

ah, i like it when you vent! it makes my wise side come out. i feel smart.

were you interested in other careers outside of dancing?

uh, did i say forehead kiss? yeah, no, that was definitely a typo. a glitch! someone hacked me. you saw nothing, higgins.

he does have taste. he’s actually a pretty interesting guy! today seems to be a good oscar day, so, we’ll see. how’s your situation going? with your roommate?

Albert

Chapter Text

On Thu, Feb 6, 2020 at 9:17 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 6 2020, 9:17:42 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: forehead kiss height

Al,

oh, they’re the coolest. spot and blink are italian, like me, and mush is from brooklyn, but we were all raised together in manhattan. they’re kind of my family, to be honest—what, with the orphanage and all that. we were the ones that went unadopted, so we just… stuck together. they’re the most amazing people ever.

you ran away? like, from home? why?

i really love the way you feel about dancing. i’ve never been good at putting it into words, until now, but i guess you’re right. if this is what i do to feel free, i shouldn’t let it turn into what’s chaining my down. it’s just easier said than done, i guess.

thanks for saying all that. i keep reading some of the things you said over and over again and hoping i’ll believe them. no one’s ever talked to me like that before—like they actually, really, truly understand. it’s nice.

oh, like your wise side doesn’t come out often enough as it is. you just keep me around to boost your own ego! heartbreaking.

i always knew i would end up dancing, but i did consider other things. mainly theater and mathematics, because those are the only two things i’m good at. what about you?

so you don’t think i’m perfect forehead kiss height? how many times are you gonna break my heart in one email, albie? or did you forget about our plans to ride off into the sunset, already? you think you know people… 

davey’s the same as always—meaning, he’s still an ass. he and jack seem to have fixed whatever was going on, though. i think jack’s coming over tomorrow night and a few of davey’s friends are, too. i hope he doesn’t kick me out of the living room, this time. he’s really hard to read.

R

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 5:18 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 5:18:21 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: forehead kiss height

Toni,

i didn’t know you were an orphan. it’s really cool that you have such a tight-knit group around you, then. do they dance, too, or are you the only one?

yeah, i ran away. i had just turned sixteen, right in the middle of eleventh grade, and i just… left, i guess. the why ’s are a bit more complicated. i went to my best friend’s house and xyr mom thankfully took me in for a few months and, somehow, the cops never tried to catch me for it. i got lucky, in a way.

it’s definitely easier said than done. i mean, i can stand here and lecture you on how you need to let go and enjoy things as they come, but, really… i’m just as desperate. it’s what they teach us to do, isn’t it? like, do everything now or you’re a failure . it’s awful.

toni, if you ever feel like no one understands, there’s a big chance i will. i know that sounds weird, but… just try me! if you ever feel like no one will get what you're trying to say, say it to me. it don’t know why , but i have a feeling i’ll always understand.

that’s exactly why i keep you around. i’m sorry you had to find out like this.

oh, mathematics , really? nerd. that’s cute. i’ve always been bad at all academic things except biology and history—special interests, and whatnot—but i knew i didn’t wanna pursue any of those. i did consider music therapy and social work, but… i don’t know. i guess i always knew i’d end up dancing, too.

if i recall correctly, it was you who wanted to run off with me—fly to florence and heroically save me from these bullies before riding off with me into forever. what happened to that , huh?

race, that’s an opportunity, right there!! you should definitely have your friends over, too, like a party! that way everyone would get to know each other and maybe the tensions would go down, right? i don’t know. just a thought.

Albert

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 11:59 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 11:59:01 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: forehead kiss height

Al,

wait. when i talked about my foster home a few emails back… what did you think that meant?

anyway, yeah, i’m an orphan! like annie. except i’m an-tonio (hilarious). my friends are amazing, yeah, and most of us dance. actually, spot and i go to juilliard dance together, and mush—the only non-dancer—goes to juilliard drama. blink was the only one to not get in… but that’s a whole story you don’t want to hear right now.

oh, well, i’m glad you had somewhere to go and i’m glad you didn’t get in trouble for it. is this friend of yours part of the florence group? xe sounds pretty awesome, taking you in and all that.

(did i use the pronoun right? i had never heard of that before, so i had to google it… it’s a neopronoun , right?)

it’s definitely the way they train us, raise us to be more focused on the product than the process of making it. it’s disgusting, but i’m glad i’m not the only one who feels like that.

i don’t know why, either, but i have a feeling you’ll always understand, too. that’s why i keep ranting, i think? it’s weird. you’re a stranger! why is this happening?

i feel used. dirty. betrayed.

hey, math is my special interest! you’re the nerd. also, you could totally still go for any of those majors after you graduate, if you wanted. why should dance be your limit with that?

… don’t change the subject.

you know what? that doesn’t sound like the worst idea. maybe i’ll invite my friends. i hope davey isn’t a dick to them, because i will stab him.

R

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 5:18 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 5:18:12 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: forehead kiss height

Toni,

… i didn’t think.

the entire world of orphan jokes, and you go with an-tonio. i hope you can hear me sigh across the ocean. anyway, i’d be happy to hear the story! if, you know, it’s not something private, obviously. i don’t wanna pry.

yeah, finch, xe’s part of the florence group! xe’s one of my exes, the one that isn’t elmer (so, the one that counts). they’re so cool. probably the best person i know. and their mom makes the best pancakes. living with xem was actually pretty awesome.

(you did use it right!! yeah, it’s a set of neopronouns! they’re usually used by neurodivergent people—finch is autistic. maybe that’s why i like xem so much.)

of course you’re not the only one. the system sucks! let’s burn it down!!

it’s funny. the more you keep repeating how i’m a stranger, the longer your emails get. maybe, just maybe, you’re making a friend? that’s not so bad, R. i’m pretty fun to be around, i promise!

i’m soooorryyyyy. do you need me to bring out my italian skills again? would that fix this?

don’t stab, don’t stab! i’m way too young to go to jail as an accomplice. use your words, toni!!

Albert

Chapter Text

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 7:12 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 7:12:43 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: laughing emoji

hey mush umm question how did you know you wanted to go by they/them?

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 7:19 PM, Nick Meyers <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 7:19:04 PM
from: [email protected] 
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: laughing emoji

hey tones! uh. i think i just… knew? it just felt right, i guess. why?

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 7:26 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 7:26:07 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: laughing emoji

no reason thanks also tell blink to bring me my books when you come over tonight

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 7:49 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 7:49:12 PM
from: [email protected] 
to: [email protected]
subject: gossip girl

Al,

that’s what happens when you spend too much time with me.

my jokes are amazing , i don’t know what you’re sighing for. the whole thing with blink isn’t really private , it’s just… i don’t know. i know you live for the gossip, so here it goes, anyway.

so, blink, spot, mush and i were raised together in an orphanage in manhattan. we were always all really artistic, with mush being the piano prodigy and all three of us moving around them like we were possessed by the music. it was always our thing, and so we always imagined that we’d do it together.

by the time spot, blink and i auditioned for juilliard dance, mush was already in their first year of drama. blink and mush are, like, the epitome of young love, so i always imagined that blink would get into juilliard, too, and they’d have that perfect life together.

except blink didn’t get into juilliard. i did.

for the audition, blink and i were paired together for a duet before the solos. spot had to dance with a stranger, and i had to dance with one of my best friends, so i thought, ‘ this is great! ’ but blink got eliminated after we went on, and i didn’t. it felt like a mistake, you know? blink belonged there, not me.

even though she got into NYU and columbia, she took a year off. i guess she didn’t want to just settle. i respect that—i respect everything about blink.

so, yeah. tricky. i still feel guilty when i think about it. not getting in really destroyed her.

finch sounds awesome! see? not jealous. even though i’m sure i make the best pancakes by far, but, you know. whatever.

(huh. that’s… interesting.)

okay, calm down, katniss. what happened to “ violence is never the answer ”?

i’m sure you’re fun to be around. so, you want to be my friend? is that what this is?

do not bring out the italian.

i thought you weren’t scared of the cops, al. what happened? i don’t think i’m gonna stab him. not yet.

R

On Fri, Feb 7, 2020 at 10:05 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 7 2020, 10:05:13 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: gossip girl

Toni,

i can’t believe you just called me a gossip. i’m nineteen years old, i don’t need your gossip. (that’s a lie yes i do thank you)

man. that’s… rough. how did blink take it? i mean, she’s still dancing, right? i hope she didn’t, like, give that up because of a stupid school audition. not to say juilliard is stupid, because it’s not, but… you know.

even if you feel like blink deserved to get in (i don’t doubt it) i don’t think you should beat yourself up for that. it wasn’t her or you, it was just—bad luck. you do belong there! you earned your place as much as the next not-guy.

ah, it’s a shame that she took the year off—we would’ve been classmates if she came to NYU! but, i get it. sometimes people need a break.

can’t be sure of that until i try it, now, can i?

(interesting, like, ‘ this is something new i’m learning ’, or like, ‘ i didn’t know there were more options to being non-binary and now i’m feverishly googling information because wow ’?)

violence is never the answer except when it’s against the system. keep up, higgins.

what do you want, race? i’ll be your friend if that’s what you need me to be.

pensavo ti piacesse quando parlo italiano! cosa c’e’? non ti piace?

i’m not scared of the cops, but lawyers are expensive. keep me updated! did you kill him?

Albert

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 9:33 AM, Hannah Guttenberg <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 9:33:21 AM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected] ; [email protected]
subject: Noise Complaint 02/08/20

Antonio and David,

It has been reported that excessive noise and disturbance has been coming from your apartment on 541 Isham Street, unit 54B. Neighbors from units 54A and 53B have reported excessive yelling at late hours of the past Friday (February 7th, 2020).

It is absolutely essential that all residents respect the right to quiet enjoyment of their neighbors, a right that is protected by law and by the covenants of your lease.

I ask that you respect the concerns of your neighbors and control the noise generated within your rented premises. If you not do so, you will be in violation of your lease, and with the local law, but more importantly, you will be disrupting the quiet enjoyment of your neighbors.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Hannah R. Guttenberg
Property Management of Inwood, NYC, New York
Guttenberg Realty Inc.

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 10:46 AM, David Michael Jacobs <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 10:46:20 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: Fee

Antonio,

I think you should pay the fee, since you started the yelling, but I’m willing to pay a third.

David

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 10:49 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 10:49:05 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: Fee

i should’ve stabbed you

Chapter Text

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 11:09 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 11:09:24 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: friendly knife usage

Al,

she didn’t take it well. i mean, when i say it wrecked her, i mean really wrecked her. and i get it, because… none of us really had anything to hold onto, back there, other than each other. the idea of the only friends you’ve ever had moving on without you is just—really tough to deal with.

she stopped training, like, entirely, but luckily, she’s still dancing. there’s a little studio right around the corner from where she and mush live, and she teaches ballet to little kids. mush helps her, sometimes. she’s really good. the kids love her.

thanks, al. i do feel like i took her spot, sometimes, but that’s nice to hear (read).

are you asking me to send you my pancakes through the mail, or…?

(how could you possibly know that?)

well, i’m starting to believe violence is actually always the answer and being peaceful does nothing. at least in my apartment.

i don’t know what i want. i know i like talking to you. can you keep doing that?

shut up shut up shut UP

i… didn’t kill him. but it wasn’t pretty. maybe i threatened to stab him—it’s a blur. i don’t think davey’s friends and mine are getting together again any time soon.

R

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 2:34 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 2:34:03 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: friendly knife usage

Toni,

i get that—the idea, i mean. of being left behind. but i’m sure blink knows that she’s loved, right? and that that’s all in her head.

i’m talking like i know her, wow.

i’m so glad she’s teaching! if i don’t ever make it on the boards, that’s what i wanna do, too. it’s what my sister wanted to do—open an academy.

yes. all of the pancakes. now, please.

(i know everything. how are you doing with that?)

what, keep talking to you? yeah, i can do that. i like talking to you, too.

my italian is either really bad and it’s pissing you off or it’s really good and it’s turning you on. one of the two.

you did what ?? um, details, please? if i’m going to jail, i think i deserve to know why.

Albert

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 6:41 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 6:41:02 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: friendly knife usage

Al,

blink knows, and when she forgets, we try to be there to remind her. we’re all a little messed up, you know? so, of course, she has days where she’s the queen of manhattan and days where she won’t leave the bed. we all get that. we just try to be there for each other when that happens, and… i don’t know. hope that that’s enough.

i didn’t know you had a sister! is she older or younger than you? does she dance, too?

what if—stay with me on this one—you get your own batch of italian pancakes and then, when you come back, you try my pancakes in person?

(it’s… so much information. why is it so much information? i guess a few things i’ve seen feel right, but… i don’t know. i’m probably just faking it.)

i’m not answering to that. why do you know italian, anyway?

it’s, uh… it’s really nothing. he just had a few of his friends over and i had a few of mine and we started talking about something and he started being a dick about it and i got mad and now i have to pay a fee because we were yelling after hours. it’s nothing.

how’s it going with oscar?

R

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 8:52 PM, Sarah Jacobs <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 8:52:10 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: sorry

hey,

i’m sarah, davey’s sister. we met last night? i’m the one that looks exactly like your roommate, just prettier and cooler?

i didn’t know how long to wait before saying this because you seemed really angry, and we don’t even know each other that well, but… i’m sorry, race. my brother really doesn’t mean all the stuff he said about you and your friend—i don’t even know why he butted in to begin with. personally, i think it’s really cute that you’re falling for your pen pal. i hope all goes well between you and them.

davey doesn’t always think before he speaks, and i know you two have some kind of enmity going on, but i had a really good time with you and your friends the other night, and i know char and jack did, too! i think we should do it again, sometime. i promise, if we do, that i’ll keep davey in line.

sarah

p.s.: your ravioli was godlike. wow . thank you

p.s. 2: i’m not a stalker, i promise. i just got your address from davey’s phone when he wasn’t looking

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 10:06 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 10:06:54 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: sorry

hey, sarah!

the thing with me and davey… it’s really cool that you’d try and apologize for him, but i don’t think there’s a fix to it. we just don’t like each other, and that’s that. i guess i just got a little defensive when he came for my… friend? pen pal? davey has no idea what we have, and he has no right saying shit like they’re probably a scammer . but it’s whatever.

i would love to hang out with you guys! the apartment is open, always. before everything went down, my friends had a pretty good time, too. we should totally do it again sometime. i promise i’ll keep myself in line, if we do.

race

p.s.: thanks! family recipe.

p.s. 2: definitely not creepy

Chapter Text

On Sat, Feb 8, 2020 at 11:36 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 8 2020, 11:36:18 PM
from: [email protected]  
to: [email protected]  
subject: italian pancakes

Toni,

you and your friends sound awesome, and blink sounds like a really cool person. i hope she can go back to school, if that’s what she wants! maybe i’ll go check out the studio where she teaches when i’m back. i’m always up to taking classes here and there.

i’m actually the youngest of three. my sister was a dancer, but my brothers definitely don’t dance or do anything like that. or, they didn’t, last time i saw them. don’t know much about their lives, nowadays.

italian pancakes sound expensive. i’ll just bully my friends into cooking something or we’ll go out and eat tomorrow night after the play. also, no offense, but try my pancakes sounds a lot worse than you probably imagined.

(faking what ? being non-binary? toni, i don’t think that’s actually a thing. you know, if you were faking it, it probably wouldn’t feel right . wanna maybe try and talk about it with me? did you find pronouns you’re comfortable with, or not yet?)

i’m a person of many talents and mysteries, young antonio.

oh, that’s awful. i’m sorry, race. i know i was the one to give you the idea to have your friends come over, and i know you wanted to get along with him… what caused the argument? maybe you can work on that, the two of you?

oscar is… confusing. he acts like a little kid, sometimes, which frightens me because i think i might know the reason why—you know, he’s so scared of his family and he seems so physically relaxed when they’re not around. he does seem to be growing to like me, which is good, because the first few days he would come hang with us and still push me away when i tried to be friendly. now, he’s just with us all the time. i think he’s making a lot of progress—he’s not about to call us his friends or anything, but, you know. baby steps.

Albert

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 3:17 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 3:17:29 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: italian pancakes

(i see we’re getting creative with the subjects)

Al,

that’d be great! actually, that would be perfect, because blink could really use reassurance from a dancer that isn’t, you know, practically her sibling. or soulmate. she’s a lot nicer once she gets to know you, too. why am i hooking you up with my nearly-married friend? anyway,

youngest of three, that sounds tough. it’s so cool that your sister dances!! i wish i had a family member to share dance with. it must be so fun!

italian food is expensive. bullying your friends is a respectable alternative. do you just not cook or bake at all? we might have to change that, albie. all i do is cook. well, cook, and dance. and recreate tangled scenes in my very limited bedroom, and name my plants. and talk to you. you’re actually taking a whole lot of my time, you know? i should be charging you for my time.

you have a dirty, dirty mind, dasilva.

(it’s just… i don’t know, god. it’s weird—not being non-binary, of course! just. the idea that i could go by something other than, you know, strictly binary pronouns. i’m a little scared. is that dumb?)

uh, nothing caused the argument. he was just being stupid, and i’m already stupid by nature, so… chaos. his sister actually emailed me and said we should hang out again sometime, though, so that’s cool! his friends really did seem cool. too bad he’s an asshole.

i’m so happy for you with the oscar thing!! but, do you think it’s actually bad? like… should you talk to someone about oscar? you know, if what you suspect about his family is true. maybe you should call the cops?

R

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 7:56 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 7:56:03 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: italian pancakes

(shut up, i’m working with the material)

Toni,

ah, see? first, you wanna ride off into the sunset with me. then, you get jealous of my high school girlfriend. now, you’re hooking me up with your friend! mixed signs, everywhere.

oh, it was tough. really tough. it was, uh. yeah. anyway, my sister was the reason i even started dancing, i’m pretty sure. dancing was always our escape. it was our thing for so long…  i wouldn’t be here today without her—i really owe her and my mom everything.

look, i can make you a mean sandwich, but that’s pretty much as far as i can get with my culinary skills. at the dorms we don’t really have to cook, and it’s new york, so really, no one has to cook. i just live off of fast food chains and see where that gets me. the problem is all my money drains out in either food or school things, so i don’t think i could pay you for these emails even if you made me. also, hey, maybe i should be charging you !

i don’t have a dirty mind—you made pancakes dirty! that’s not my fault!

(god, toni, it’s not dumb at all. it’s normal that you’re scared or worried, but… look. if you found something that feels right, then maybe you should try it out! no one will judge you if you change your mind in the future. gender is fluid! you should be comfortable, that’s what matters.)

yes, toni, you go! make friends! live life!! i’m gonna be the voice inside your head motivating you to sort things out with davey until it’s done and fixed.

the cops wouldn’t do anything. especially with oscar’s family—they basically work for them. and if oscar doesn’t tell me anything, i don’t really have any proof. i just really hope i’m wrong about this.

Albert

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 11:15 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 11:15:49 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: um

hey mush do you think it would be okay if i went by he/him but also they/them and xe/xem i don’t know if you know about neopronouns they’re this really cool thing and um yeah do you think that would be good or would that be too complicated because i think that’s what i want but i don’t wanna be weird?? please dont tell anyone by the way i dontknow if im ready to tell anyone else yet but yeah

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 11:18 AM, Nick Meyers <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 11:18:13 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: um

are you home right now?

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 11:21 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 11:21:35 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: um

yeah why

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 11:22 AM, Nick Meyers <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 11:22:59 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: um

i'm coming over to give you the biggest hug of your life

Chapter Text

On Sun, Feb 9, 2020 at 8:07 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Sunday, Feb 9 2020, 8:07:12 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: chaos

Al,

i’m sorry i didn’t reply sooner. i had a… well, an eventful day. i’m here now, though, no need to cry for me. i’m sure you must be hopeless without me.

you keep bringing up that one time i talked about riding off into the sunset, but we’re gonna ignore the forehead kiss offer altogether? that seems wrong. actually, i think we should focus on that, now.

i’m glad dance is such a beautiful thing between you and your sister. that’s untouchable, you know? like, it’s always gonna be your thing. that’s beautiful.

i can’t argue with you on that one. i know a lot of people who live on sandwiches and takeout, so you should be fine, all in all. i’m still keeping the pancake offer up, for when you come back— not that kind of offer, dasilva. what are you, five?

i didn’t make pancakes dirty! how did we even get to this? how can pancakes be dirty?

(you know, you’ve been really helpful with this. i know there’s no such thing as a gender expert , but… still. i don’t think i would’ve even began to figure out half the stuff i’m learning about myself if it wasn’t because of you. i’m gonna need a lot of pancakes to repay you for that—okay, i see how it’s dirty. uh… my bad!)

i don’t know what your voice sounds like, so now that you’ve said that i’m just gonna have to assume that you talk like a guidance counselor.

i hope you’re wrong about oscar, too, but i think you should go to the police if you ever suspect, al. it’s better to be safe than sorry, right? you don’t know if they’ll do anything or not until you try.

R

On Mon, Feb 10, 2020 at 10:13 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Feb 10 2020, 10:13:02 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: chaos

Toni,

it’s okay! you don’t owe me these emails or anything. i am hopeless without you, clearly, but still. no problem. (are you okay, though?)

you seem to be really excited about that forehead kiss. do you really want it? fine, if you insist, i will kiss your forehead when i’m back home. so needy, antonio.

yeah, that’s… it is beautiful. you’re right.

i don’t know, race. how can pancakes be dirty?

(actually, i’m making that a thing. albert dasilva, gender expert. why am i taking dance? this is my true calling.) (you’re very welcome!)

how do guidance counselors talk? i’m gonna assume that was a compliment.

no, toni, they won’t do anything. i do know that. the police only makes things worse, okay? it’s not an option. and oscar seems to be doing pretty okay, right now, so maybe i was wrong. hopefully.

god, valentines is coming up this weekend and everyone is so cheesy. get me out. now. pleaseeeee

Albert

On Mon, Feb 10, 2020 at 7:08 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Monday, Feb 10 2020, 7:08:49 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: chaos

Al,

i’m okay, yeah. i kind of came out to one of my best friends? they took it so well but i don’t think i’m ready to tell the rest. i don’t know. maybe i’m just too afraid of changes.

wait, what? no, don’t turn this on me! i don’t—i never asked for the kiss, i just. shut up!

how?? did we even?? get to pancakes??

(that’s what we’re writing on the t-shirts.)

guidance counselors sound weird. you know, like the one from glee. soft-spoken and probably high. and you’re a redhead, too, so it works! woah, i’m a genius.

okay, okay, no police. forget i brought it up. still, keep an eye on him?

aw, i love valentine’s day!! everyone’s so in love and i get to eat a lot of leftover chocolate. it’s awesome. is everyone there dating, other than you? i want florence shenanigans!!

R

On Tue, Feb 11, 2020 at 3:17 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 11 2020, 3:17:00 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: chaos

Toni,

wait, so they didn’t know you were gay? either way, that’s amazing!! coming out takes a lot of guts. i’m proud of you. and don’t feel bad for not feeling ready! you shouldn’t feel pressured to do something so important and personal. take your time.

got it. no kisses for toni.

how do we get to any of the things we discuss? if anyone read these emails in the future i’m pretty sure they’d think we’re deranged.

(exactly.)

you did not just compare me to emma from glee. that poor woman—imagine being in love, dating, and marrying will schuester. she was the real victim. should i be offended?

i will. i am. he keeps sitting near me whenever we go out, so it shouldn’t be too hard. i hope i don’t lose him when we start preparing for the audition next week.

florence shenanigans, right! so, um, let’s see. first, our guides, sniper and smalls. i was right about them! they are dating. they’re really cute together. smalls agreed to help me improve my italian if i help her with her english, and sniper is always around when we’re studying. they’re sweet.

who else did i tell you about? you know my friend jojo is dating henry and buttons, but they’re both in the us, so i’m sure they’re gonna spend a lot of time on facetime this weekend. romeo has a significant other back home as well, the classics major, but i still don’t know much about that. i know i told you about elmer and finch kissing, but they’re definitely not together—things have been pretty weird between them, and finch told me xe thinks elmer’s mad at them, so… a mess. i don’t really know.

so, yeah! meanwhile, i’m here. and you’re way too many miles away for me to woo you, so. that’s unfortunate.

what about your friends? i know you told me about mush and blink, but is everyone else dating, too? are we the only lonely souls?

Albert

On Tue, Feb 11, 2020 at 11:47 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 11 2020, 11:47:56 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: chaos

Al,

oh, no. they knew i was gay. i think everyone knows i’m gay. i, uh, came out as something else. as non-binary, actually. i think. it was out of impulse, really, but they took it really well, and… i feel good? like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders just by telling them. i’m glad i did it.

wait, no, i never said— stop it with the mind games!

al, i think we’re deranged. we’ve known each other for eighteen days—eighteen! and i already feel like i could tell you anything. seems pretty insane to me.

emma was the victim just because she had to be counselor to all those kids. i would’ve quit on my first day. it was a compliment! she never quit, she’s a fighter! don’t be offended!

auditions? as in, for the show? wait. wait. isn’t that supposed to be at the end of your trip?

wow. so, pretty much everyone but you has a love life. not that i’m one to talk—you already know about blink and mush, and spot could have a wife and children and i still would know nothing about that, so. specs also has a boyfriend, but i think he’s on a trip or something. even davey’s dating! when did my life get so sad?

it is unfortunate that you’re in italy right now. i’m gonna have to eat all this chocolate by myself.

(“woo you”? what is this, the seventies?) (not saying i’d be mad if you wanted to woo me .)

maybe we are the only lonely souls out there. that’s okay. we can be lonely together! wait, that’s sad.

R

Chapter Text

On Tue, Feb 11, 2020 at 5:14 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 11 2020, 5:14:07 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: the wooing process

Toni,

oh! that’s amazing, wow! i’m so proud of you!! did you find a label or a set of pronouns you’re comfortable with? you know, you don’t have to go by a different set of pronouns, you can go by he/him and still be non-binary, but—i’m so happy for you!

look at you, getting all flustered. it’s okay, i already added the kisses to the list. it’s right next to mario kart, making t-shirts, and trying your pancakes . it’s too bad i’m not allowed to use emojis, because that was so a winky face moment.

eh, to be honest, i think we’re deranged, too. it’s not a bad thing, though, right? you’re not, like… uncomfortable with us talking? because, if you are, you can tell me. i’m not really great at picking up what people are thinking, especially when i don’t have them face to face, so… yeah.

the real victim was emma’s haircut. you’re probably right, though. i’m good with kids and i would’ve ran away from that place after an hour.

auditions! for the show! and, yes, the show is at the end of the trip, the first week of april, but they really take this thing seriously, so we have a lot of time to prepare our auditions and whoever gets cast gets, like, a month of rehearsals. it’s a really big deal.

well, if you put it like that … yeah, i’m the only one without a love life. that’s fun! it’s okay, though. now that i’ve got you i don’t have to be the only loser around here. thank god .

great. first, you deny me your pancakes, and now you tempt me with chocolate i can’t have! you’re a cold, cold not-man, higgins.

(mm, so you’re saying you don’t want to see me woo you? because, i have to say, my wooing techniques are very effective.)

ah, yes, we can be lonely together. look at you, all cheesy and disgusting.

um, what did you say your friend specs was majoring in again?

Albert

On Tue, Feb 11, 2020 at 10:28 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Tuesday, Feb 11 2020, 10:28:19 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: the wooing process

Al,

you know, it’s funny. i knew you would be cool with this, because you literally were the one who gave me the courage to look into it, and i still held my breath before reading this email. it’s like a part of me is scared of what everyone will think. does that ever go away? it’s not—i’m not ashamed or anything, of course, but… it’s scary.

i’ve decided to go by he/him, they/them and xe/xem. i know that’s a lot but it feels right? i don’t know. i kind of feel like i’m doing this wrong, for some reason.

if you don’t stop joking about the pancakes you aren’t getting any pancakes. watch it, dasilva.

of course, i’m not uncomfortable! i wouldn’t be talking to you if i was. you’re a really cool person to talk to, albie. i know it’s only been 18 days, but… yeah! don’t go anywhere. i’m fine with how we are.

god, that haircut . also, aw, are you actually good with kids? that’s sweet. kids either hate me or they think i’m one of them, which i kind of am. i’m not babysitter material at all .

al, you’re gonna do amazing!! do they let you pick a song? and your own choreography, i’m assuming? god, tell me everything! i have my own stuff at school but this sounds so amazing. a show in florence… that’s the dream. i can’t wait for you to get the part. (does this mean you’re coming home in april?)

i’m not a loser! i’m just, you know… busy. love lives require free time. juilliard doesn’t allow a love life. unless you’re mush and you’re pretty much already married by the time you get to college.

oh, don’t be a baby, buy your own chocolate! then we can eat it all on valentines and at least pretend like it was a date. or, like, not a date , you know, just… wow, i suck at this.

(really? how many people have you wooed ? other than, you know, your high school girlfriend.)

hey, i learned from the best.

they’re a classics major in columbia, why?

R

On Wed, Feb 12, 2020 at 10:13 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 12 2020, 10:13:35 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: the wooing process

Toni,

believe me, i get it. there’s nothing wrong with being scared. i know you’re not ashamed—it’s not about that, is it? it’s just… a change. even if part of you always knew, embracing it means changing a part of your life. that doesn’t have to be bad, you know? changes can be good, too. if you let them be.

it’s not a lot, i think it’s awesome!! you’re not doing anything wrong, i promise. i’m really proud of you. are you not identifying as a boy anymore? asking because if you’re not then my not-guy jokes should probably come to a stop.

no, no, sorry, sorry!! i never said anything about pancakes!! pancakes are great!!

thank god you’re not uncomfortable. who else was i gonna talk to about crocs and mario kart? you’re a really cool person to talk to, too. i’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.

i am good with kids! it runs in the family—well, no, it doesn’t. it really doesn’t. but my mom and my sister were always super nurturing, so i’m guessing i got it from them. i mean, it’s not likely that my dad and brothers had anything to do with that . in any case, i make a great babysitter. i think. it’s what people have told me, at least.

thanks, tones. they do let me pick a song, and of course, it’s my own choreography, but in some way that just adds to the pressure. it’s a ballet, so the audition needs to be with a classical piece, and i already have a few options, but i’m just… nervous. like, gut-wrenching not-sleeping kind of nervous. but i’ll be fine. probably.

(i am coming home in april. excited to see me, much?)

right. so you’re off the market, is what you’re saying? not open to any relationships in the near future?

got it! so, it’s a date. can’t wait.

(i’ve wooed a lot of people, mind you. there’s finch, there was this guy at a friend’s birthday party, and… well. you. if you’re interested in being wooed, that is.)

i’m not cheesy and disgusting!

uh, do you happen to know their boyfriend’s name or college?

Albert

On Wed, Feb 12, 2020 at 4:48 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Wednesday, Feb 12 2020, 4:48:10 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: RE: the wooing process

Al,

you’re right. why are you always right? why do you know the answer to everything?

thanks, al. it means a lot to me that you’d say that. and i’m not entirely against being called a boy, you know? i’m just also not entirely a boy. i read about that, it’s called demigender? like. i’m kind of a boy. but i’m also not. and i’m stil non-binary. or… that’s what i got from that, at least. it felt right. does that make sense? in any way, i don’t mind the not-guy jokes.

ah, you see? con la coda tra le gambe .

your sister and your mom sound so nice! also, you’re lucky you’re a good babysitter—it’s easy money. you’re not stuck behind a starbucks counter whenever you can’t make ends meet.

no problem! again, i think you’ll do great no matter what song you end up picking. do they let you record the auditions? if so, please send me a copy!! i really would love to see your piece. and you can always come to me if you need help choosing a song.

(oh, shut up. like you’re not dying to see me.)

i mean, i’m not off the market. if a good offer came by… why? you know someone?

(is that what you’re doing? is this the wooing process?)

uh, yeah, you are. you’re cheesy and disgusting and you probably believe in love at first sight and that all things happen for a reason and you definitely were the kid to give your friends promise rings in third grade.

um, why? i asked them, anyway. they said “romeo, dance major, NYU”, so… oh. oh, fuck. fuck. what? NYU as in—romeo, like, romeo ? the one you— um, HELLO??

R

Chapter Text

On Thu, Feb 13, 2020 at 1:08 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 13 2020, 1:08:12 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: welcome to the matrix

Toni,

yes, yes, i’m a very wise person. i don’t know the answer to every problem, although that’d be awesome and it would save me a lot of time. but i’m glad i could help, as always.

demigender is a totally valid label! not that you need my approval or anyone else’s, but, you know. it’s perfectly valid. i’m really glad you found something you feel comfortable with!! and i’m happy your friend took it so well!!

ah, a starbucks barista? i’m sure you get so many discounts and stuff like that. all i get is drool all over my clothes.

yeah, i’ll send you a copy! i don’t want to go with anything too classic, because then i’m over, you know? if the piece has already been done a thousand times then i have to be really unique or i’m automatically out. problem is, there’s this piece i’ve been thinking about since i’ve got here… but it’s been really overdone. i’m probably gonna die of stress before the day comes. 

(oh, i am dying to see you. i’m not the one in denial here.)

you’re insufferable.

(i mean… is it working?)

shut up, i didn’t—okay, all of those are true. but the rings were awesome!

see? i knew it!! the second you said columbia major with a boyfriend on a student trip, i went “… wait a minute ”. anyway, so… our friends are dating. so, technically we’re in the same circle. wow.

Albert

On Thu, Feb 13, 2020 at 11:37 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 13 2020, 11:37:43 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: welcome to the matrix

Al,

ahh, thank you!! mush was so cool about it, too. i mean, it’s not like i didn’t expect them to be. now i’m just worried that when i tell the rest of my friends, they’re gonna be hurt i didn’t come to them first. especially spot. she’s my best friend, you know? always has been, always will be. but i guess that’s the reason. if things change with her, then… i don’t know. it’s harder.

i mean, i get discounts, but… that’s about it, to be honest. and i get to eat one or two brownies at the end of the day. it’s not like i do it all year, though, because sometimes school makes it impossible, but, you know. with rent and tuition and just living in new york… something’s gotta give.

i can’t wait to see it!! you know, if you ever need inspiration, juilliard makes us record all our pieces and exams for posteriority. not that i’m bragging or anything, you don’t have to look, but if you ever want to i’d be happy to share.

about the song, i say go with what really moves you! if this song pushes you to do your best, then it’s probably better to go with that than to pick some underground waltz just to impress.

(well, then. maybe i’m dying to see you, too.)

oh, really? why are you still here, then?

(no. kind of. only a little. keep doing it.)

how can promise rings be awesome, al? not that i’m judging. my friends and i still wear our friendship bracelets.

our friends are dating. that’s… that’s crazy. what are the chances ? does that mean we were, like, bound to meet sooner or later? oh, god. i sound like you.

valentines preparations are going on all around me… with this and davey being a bigger asshole than usual, i’m not gonna make it. help me. rescue me. i’m getting on a plane and going to italy. this is torture.

R

On Thu, Feb 13, 2020 at 6:55 PM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Thursday, Feb 13 2020, 6:55:06 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: the matrix

Toni,

yeah, that’s understandable. i mean, the more you care about the person, about the friendship, the more you have to lose, right? like, we’re technically strangers, so when we first started talking about all this you didn’t really have anything to lose with me. it’s possible that spot’ll be hurt, but i don’t think she should give you any trouble. i hope it goes well, whenever you choose to tell her.

discounts and free brownies? that’s the dream, toni! and, yeah, i get it. i don’t have to pay for rent, but housing and tuition and everything… it’s hell.

yes, yes, of course, i wanna see!! i’ve never seen you dance, have i? you know, for a pair of dancers, we’re pretty lousy. neither of us has dance videos on our instagram. who does that? anyway, yes, send me your dance videos. i wanna see little dancing toni.

right, but this is… i mean, it’s swan lake. who hasn’t done swan lake? if i go with this, i have to really do it right. i don’t know. i’m just scared, i guess. i’ll figure it out.

oh, i’m insufferable, too. that’s why.

i promise you, these rings were awesome. everyone envied us. we were the coolest seven-year-olds in the district.

i mean, i believe it. that we were meant to meet, i mean. maybe i am cheesy and disgusting, but whatever. i can’t believe your specs is dating my romeo!! this is amazing.

everyone’s going crazy over valentines around here, too. not much i can do, toni, sorry. also, don’t let davey walk all over you! i don’t know what’s going on, but just talk to him. if you want. tell him off. at this point, he kind of deserves it.

Albert

Chapter Text

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 7:38 AM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 7:38:09 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: silly love songs

(get it? like the glee episode!)

Al,

happy valentine’s day! we’re both lonely and hopeless, so i thought i’d say it. did you find yourself some chocolate? you know, for our date?

between davey and specs and blink and mush, i’m gonna be sick. i love valentine’s, i do, but… ugh. you know? anyway. is florence torture for you, too? february is super cold around there. wear a coat or a scarf or something!! can’t have you getting sick on me, now, can i?

i was thinking, if you don’t have anything else to do today, we could watch a movie together? there’s a few websites you can do that on… or not. you know. as you please!

R

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 8:12 AM, Nick Meyers <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 8:12:29 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: letters!

lu,

happy valentines day, my love. you’re still asleep and i had to go to the bank first thing in the morning, so i figured i’d send you this now so we can get the sappy shit out of the way before i get home and we can enjoy the rest of our day watching criminal minds on the couch, just how you like it.

i know these past few months haven’t been easy on you at all, and i’m not quite sure of how tired you are of me saying these things, but i’m so thankful that you’re here today and every day, that you exist in my life and that you’re my constant—always have been, always will be. you’re the strongest, most beautiful person i know, and i can’t wait to get home and kiss your pretty face all over.

when things got specifically tough for you over the past couple months i tried to get all i wanted to say down on paper, because i’m just… good with that pen, you know? (yeah, you do know). so, in the first drawer of the dresser there’s a box with all the letters i wrote you. i hope this makes for a good valentines present? if not, i’m buying chocolate on the way home, just in case.

i love you, lu. more than anything. happy valentines day.

m

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:37 AM, Lucía Valetti <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 11:37:17 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: letters!

how the fuck did i get so lucky?

i’m writing this down here and now and i really hope you can read it before you get home because i think if i had to say this to your stupid perfect face i would literally break down—not that you’ve never seen me do that before, but, you know. i have a reputation.

mush, i… god. you’re so—you’re literally the most important person in my life. is that weird? are we weird? i’m pretty sure we are. who falls in love in the third grade and just decides to stay like that forever? we’re like penguins or something. anyway.

i didn’t know about the letters. thank you for letting me read them, they’re—i’m gonna keep them close. i know you know this year has been a bitch and i just really want you to know that i’m trying. you’ve had to put up with me for so long and through so much and i really want to be better, nick. i do. and you help me do that. every day.

i love you so much i could cry.

please hurry, i want chocolate and i kinda miss you a lot already.

b

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:59 AM, Romeo Reyes <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 11:59:54 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: valentines!!!!

happy valentines day!! i love you so so so so much and i’m so sorry i can’t be home right now and that we can’t be together this year like we were last year but i promise that if it’s up to me in any way i’ll make sure this isn’t our last valentine’s day together by a long, long shot. i think i’m doing the thing now where i say a lot of things and not a lot of commas but i just !!! you’re the most perfect most amazing person i know and i’m so in love with you and i’m so lucky i get to spend yet another wonderful year with you even with this distance.

i made you a playlist!! it’s not much, but the actual gift is gonna take longer to arrive because you know how that works, so. yeah!! i love you so much and i miss you always,

rome

playlist for s <3 

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 2:02 PM, Samuel Ayes <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 2:02:19 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: valentines!!!!

Rome,

You’re perfect. I miss you so much, too. The playlist is everything , I’m so glad I have someone who knows me as well as you do. To be honest, I’m glad to have you in my life in every aspect possible, because there’s not a single thing about you that I’d change. Even your cute rambles with zero punctuation. You’re absolutely perfect.

Happy Valentine’s, beautiful. I can’t wait to see you. And remember to fill me in on how the audition goes! No matter what, I’m always proud of you.

I couldn’t make you a playlist, but I sent my gift early and it should be arriving today at the address you gave me. I hope you guys have a record player! I saw it the other day and just couldn’t stop thinking about you. It’s funny that you added a song from that same album to my playlist.

I love you,

S

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 2:19 PM, Brisa Ninett Davenport <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 2:19:08 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
cc: [email protected]
subject: valentine’s video surprise!!

(henry’s still asleep so i’m writing this from both of us:)

haaaaappy valentines day joj!! both henry and i stayed up late making you a little something so you wouldn’t miss us so much while you’re away!! it’s not much because i had to put it together with windows movie maker but if you make fun of me you’ll be paying the consequences so you better enjoy it.

to_joji_with_love.mp4

we love you so so so much and can’t wait for you to get back!! are we still on for netflix party tonight?

bri (and hen… his spirit, at least)

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 2:26 PM, Jorgelino Josefino De La Guerra <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 2:26:14 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected] ; [email protected]
subject: RE: valentine’s video surprise!!

oh my god… oh my GOD!! you two are the most beautiful people i’ve ever seen!! how the HELL did you manage to look so cute wearing… what was that? cupid costumes? god. i’m so in love with you. i’m so sad i can’t be there!! i wish there was a way for me to teleport or something… florence is so beautiful right now. maybe you two could teleport here, instead.

i miss you like crazy!! and of course we’re on for netflix party. not even the ocean can break our valentine’s tradition!!!

tell hen i love him as soon as he wakes up!!!!! i love you so much, bri!!

jojo

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 4:56 PM, Jack Kelly <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 4:56:01 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: hey

hey, dave.

there’s a thing you do with your eyes and your smile that makes it impossible for me to look away. there’s something about the way you turn to listen to me, the way you know me, the way you try so hard to be perfect and you don’t realize that you already are. there’s a bit of you in every painting i make—i’m only realizing this now, which is only a little dumb, because there’s a bit of you in every part of me.

you’re my person, dave.

i know we have a dinner reservation, but i’m coming over now, even though i think you’re finishing up some homework. i’m pretty sure i want to marry you. i hope that’s okay with you.

jack

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 6:23 PM, David Michael Jacobs <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 6:23:58 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: hey

Hey, Jackie.

You know, I never thought I’d get married. I always believed in marriage, of course, and love. But I never saw it in my future, not even for a second. I’m stubborn and logical and my neck is always tense and I hate it when you leave your clothes around or you get paint on the counter. And I never thought I would get married, but whenever I thought about my future, you were in it. Right there. Next to me.

I’m sitting on a paint-stained couch because you came over and asked me to marry you in front of my roommate and I can’t seem to focus on my paper, right now, because I don’t care about anything but you. And you’re helping my roommate make ravioli, and I hate the guy’s guts, but the apartment smells like bolognese sauce and you. The apartment always smells like you.

If this is cheesy, I don’t care, because you’re the only person I ever want to be cheesy with. I love you senseless

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dave

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 7:09 PM, Olivia Cassia Jobe <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 7:09:18 PM
from: [email protected]
to: gaiasnipes @hotmail.com
subject: san valentino <3

mia cara,

buon san valentino, amore mio. non vedo l’ora di vederti stasera. vorrei che non fossimo così impegnati tutto il giorno. mi farò perdonare con mille baci.

tua,

liv

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 7:53 PM, Gaia Alberici <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14 2020, 7:53:51 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: RE: san valentino <3

tesoro,

buon san valentino, bellissima! ci vediamo stasera. odio stare lontano da te, tutto ciò che faccio è pensare a te. ti amo.

tua,

gaia

On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:03 PM, Antonio Higgins <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:03:22 PM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: too silly?

Al,

hey, is everything okay? i know you don’t owe me these emails and it’s not like you have to write me back but i just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t my movie offer or anything because if you don’t want to watch a movie there’s absolutely no big deal and i was just asking because today was kinda boring (although my roommate and his boyfriend got engaged so that was interesting i guess) and i just wanted to know if you were maybe up to it? i’m sorry if it was weird or if it came off pushy or something.

i hope you had a nice day? and i hope you’re okay.

R

On Sat, Feb 15, 2020 at 1:10 AM, Albert DaSilva <[email protected]> wrote:

Date: Saturday, Feb 15 2020, 1:10:07 AM
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: (no subject)

hey um if youre not asleep cna you please call me to this number im sorry you must be sleeping and i wouldnt be asking if it wasnt important but i just . if its okay with you please i really need to talk to someone right now